A/N

Fourth and final update of the day!

—-

Two hours in and I'm losing the will to live. Tyler has been tentative and kind, my friends have kept me involved and the conversation is light, safe.

The gym looks beautiful; sparkling decor of blues and whites -a winter wonderland, framed by the falling snow outside.

I can't appreciate any of it.

But still, I humour them, numbly wading through the motions of the evening.

I dance with Tyler, his body feels all wrong against mine; he's polite, a gentleman. His hands are too wide, too warm, too clammy. He's not tall enough. He smells wrong, like expensive cologne and … apple. Not peppermint, cigarettes and leather.

I smile at his jokes, ignore his hand on my back.

When he kisses my temple, I cringe. I don't mean to.

Jasper and Alice are sitting at our table, Alice in Jasper's lap, smiling, heads together, laughing. They're perfect.

Alice knows, her sheepish smile in my direction makes me roll my watering eyes.

I'm fine.

Except I'm not. I'm half a person when he's not around. I thought I was half a person before, but I wasn't, I was less than that, but I didn't know any better. Now, I know what it's like to feel as though someone is the other half of you and without it, I'm more lost than I've ever been.

If this is what my life would be like without Edward, I don't want it.

I'm lying to myself.

I didn't do this for me. I'm testing myself. Us.

I'm testing Edward. And using Tyler to do so.

I've been so unfair to him. To both of them.

I know who Edward is. He's broken, but he's not a lost cause. He's been showing me, telling me over and over that he wants me. I've been so selfish, terrified that he'll hurt me; but the whole time he's been terrified that I'll leave him. And I've done nothing to show him that I won't —I'm here at a dance with another guy! He cares about me, he's shown me that, and that's massive for him. Everyone else he's cared for has left him. He closes himself off to the world but he opened himself up to me, and how do I repay him? I come here, with someone else, someone he hates.

I'm so terrified of being alone, so insecure that I've never given him an ounce of what he needs. Isn't that what relationships are? You compromise, giving your partner what they need, sometimes at the expense of yourself because you both matter.

I've given Edward nothing but rules, stipulations and nothing in return, not even hope. I take and take. I always have.

I've been such an idiot.

I've been teasing him, testing him ... almost as though I'm waiting for him to mess up and that's ... disgusting.

Dua Lipa's voice breaks out over the room, I know this song. Hotter Than Hell. I snort and take a sip of the punch in my hand, my mind instantly conjuring Edward, the song so relevant, almost mocking.

He'd see the humour in it.

Jessica passes the table, her long green dress the colour of Edward's eyes. I wonder if she bought it in the hopes he'd ask her.

I snort again.

Connor's on the dance floor, his tie green. Seriously?

Suddenly, everything reminds me of Edward. The song, the clothing choices, the colour of the damn punch, someone's busted lip, a guy running his hand through his hair …

I watch Tyler as he talks to a few football players, laughing and joking at the other side of the room. He's handsome.

That's all.

I watch Rose and Sam on the dance floor, Rose's head thrown back as she laughs, Sam's hands roaming.

Alice and Jasper are still wrapped in each other, oblivious of the outside world.

All around me, laughing faces and fun.

I need to get out of here.

I need … Edward.

He needs me and … I'm his.

—-

A/N

On that note...

'see' you tomorrow!