Disclaimer: I own nothing. Aaron McGruder owns it all. If I did, Huey would be POTUS.

Reviews:

LavenderLuvER18: And you're an amazing person all around and I know this because I know you (thank you Boondocks for leading to me meeting you) and I hope you know how much you study and keep moving forward matters to me. And I've done all that too (the reading while I'm eating and exercising but not when I'm showering cuz I'm too scared my phone will get wet LOL). Yes I miss the kids too and we will get to them cuz they are too much fun to not have them in this story. But for now I hope you like all the girlies in Chi-Town, the stuff they get to do, the things that happen, and just enjoy them being together. And I'm still laughing at your last comment cuz I need to buy me a crown and a scepter and walk 'round my house with it knighting those I see fit LOL. Thank you Luv. I adore you, I really, really do. I hope this makes you happy.

CHAPTER 45:


I exhale, seeing that North Star, how pretty it looks, hugging her, and say, "I love you."

I feel her exhale, feeling her holding my arms, and hear her say, "You my everything."

I feel my smile, putting my head on that shoulder, looking up, and hear her say, "Jazzy boo, you."

I see those two little stars I've looked up, the ones I told him are part of the Ursa Minor, and he said that's right, remembering rolling my eyes because he knows so much, and then he said that he hasn't read about constellations in a long time and if I'm interested in that stuff I should keep reading about it so I can tell him more.

That warm brain.

I exhale, remembering last night when everyone was inside watching Friday because Grandad wanted to watch it again and Huey said he would be outside in the backyard. Halfway through the movie I had gotten up to go look for him because I missed him.

I grabbed my book from the kitchen table, walked out of the house, into the backyard, and saw him.

I walked up to him, saw him look up at me from that book, saw those eyes shining from that light from the kitchen, and saw that little cute smirk.

I sat down in the chair next to him, opened my book, and started reading.

After a little bit, I think ten minutes because I only got through a few pages in my book, I felt that hand on my leg. I looked over at him, saw that he had closed his book, saw that smirk that other people could probably see, knowing I wanted to kiss him, and I heard him ask me to point to where the North Star was for him.

The North Star that reminds me of my mom's eyes, maybe my sister's too. It does. And maybe those two little stars next to that North Star are us, my sister and me.

My sister.

I look over at her, see her looking up at the night sky, and say, "Sissy what were you gonna say?"

I see her exhale, see her blink those pretty dark blue eyes, really dark blue because we're in the backyard in the dark right now, and she says, "You okay's Jazzy boo?"

I inhale, feeling her holding my arms, feeling my small smile, remembering that day, how she cried holding on to mom, massaging her back, trying to warm up her back to help her, hearing her cry, feeling the tears coming down my face but not letting myself sob because she needed me, then seeing her taking a drink of that tea Aunt Cookie brought her, tea Aunt Cookie said would calm her down.

I heard her inhale, seeing my mom wipe her face with a shirt telling her to lay down and that she wasn't going anywhere. I saw her lay down, laying down with her, holding her hand, seeing mom kissing her head, stroking that long wavy hair that had come out of her braids, and then I kissed her shoulder until she fell asleep.

Then, after I heard her breathing okay, sleeping, I think after an hour, knowing Aunt Cookie had left ten minutes before, I got up, and looked over that long wavy hair and I saw my mom, asleep. She was holding her head to her chest and I sniffled, feeling my heart swell.

I exhaled, sniffled more, trying to not cry thinking about how much she cried, hearing her crying so hard downstairs when mom was holding her, touching her shoulder, seeing those dark blue eyes look at me with that look, that my heart broke a little. And then she hugged me and we brought her upstairs. And I remembered I had told him I needed to bring her upstairs and I wanted to be with my mom and her for a little, knowing he was probably worried.

I exhaled, walked to the door, opened it, and saw them sitting on the floor with Huey looking at his phone looking kind of mad and Riley holding Huey's laptop.

I saw them stand up, seeing Huey put his phone in his pocket, and I saw Riley give Huey his laptop. I saw him walk up to me, saw that look on his face, that sad look on my cute little half-brother's face, and I let him in so he could go see her.

Then I saw Huey walk up to me holding his laptop, looked up at that face, saw that look on his beautiful face, knowing I had to take care of him too because he was scared too, I just knew it, probably scared for my little sister, trying my best to smile at him, and I told him my sister was sleeping and she was okay.

Then I grabbed his hand to take him downstairs so he could eat breakfast because I knew he hadn't eaten since he got up.

Then when we were eating we heard the doorbell ring.

I looked at him, saw him looking at me, saw that look, and I nodded and said, "Just be careful, please."

I saw him nod, saw him get up, saw him walk out of the kitchen, and I looked back at Riley's plate, the one he hadn't finished because he wanted to go back upstairs to wait by the door, knowing Aunt Cookie was resting and Grandad was upstairs I think on the phone with Ms. Lola, I think telling her what happened, missing everyone, my sister, my mom, Aunt Cookie, everyone who was asleep upstairs, Grandad, Ms. Lola, Riley, my little sister, pop's, and heard the talking.

I got up, feeling a little tired, walked out of the kitchen, turned to the front door, feeling my small smile, seeing pop's with everyone there, not knowing if he went to pick them up when I was upstairs with my mom and sister, feeling the tears coming down my face, and then I felt them hugging me, hugging them back. And they didn't say anything, they didn't ask, they just hugged me, and I told them I was okay, I really was okay, but my sister was asleep and we had just made breakfast so they should eat.

And after eating, sitting down in the living room, watching the news, all of us, Ming and Lauren and Hiro playing a board game quietly, pop's on his phone in the kitchen, remembering him saying he was going to make a few phone calls, seeing him looking at me with those eyes, feeling my small smile, knowing he didn't want me to hear what he was going to be talking about, I nodded and told him I would stay in the living room with everyone. And I did, Ming, Lauren, and Hiro playing that board game and Huey and Caesar on the couch with me with Huey on his phone, I think looking at emails from those friends that help him know what him and that lady are doing, the people we weren't going to talk about. And, I think after an hour, we heard that sound.

I looked over at the staircase, saw Riley and my mom, and looking at the bottom of the staircase, in front of them, I saw her.

I got up, walking up to her, hearing something fall, I think my book, seeing those blue eyes, red all around that blue, saw that pretty smile, saw those blue eyes fill up with tears, and I hugged her.

Then I felt those arms, Lauren and Ming hugging us, feeling happy they were here, hugging her, hearing them tell her they loved her, crying a little, hearing them crying with me, and heard them say now that she was up they wanted to play more games and watch movies and eat all day with us so we could have fun together until the next day when we were going to DuSable, and I felt her inhale, hugging her, and heard her say, "I want all that shit," making us smile.

My little sister.

I exhale, seeing those dark pretty blue eyes blink looking up at the night sky and say, "I think I am but are you sissy? Are you okay?"

I see her exhale and feel her getting lower in the chair, like she's getting comfortable.

I see that pretty small smile, see her inhale, and she says, "Yeah, it was fucked up though, for reals, all that shit, and I think it hurt bad cuz lady looked like our mama too much in damn dark and then when lights came on she just."

I see her exhale, hugging her, kissing her shoulder, and she says, "Just was bad, mean I seen 'nough movies and shit to knows that shit happens, just different to see it for reals, like you can't stop it from going, you know, like there ain't no stop to that shit cuz you knows it really happening and all you can do is try to keep up with that shit, trying to just see it, when all you really know, ever known, is people, people that called themselves parentals when they weren't close to that shit, ain't never there and when they were they were too fucked up to do shit, just laid 'round not doing shit, sometimes just locked themselves in their room, and all you heard is noises coming from that room, sitting there like a dumbass thinking if you just sit there, not thinkin' 'bout what they're doing in there, just thinkin' they're gonna come out and see you and know they missed your ass cuz you their kid, not caring where they been for weeks, months, can't fucken tell time no more, but you don't care, you just happy someone that's supposed to be family there, and the people they pay, fucken butler, ain't the only one there, but someone that fucken loves you, supposed to love you, and then they come outta that room, and they."

I see her inhale, see her blink, holding her, hugging her tighter, and she says, "They ain't wearing nothing, naked and shit, don't know why, just know they are, again, like they are every fucken time they come out after making those noises in their room, and then walk pass you, like you ain't even there, callin' for them, and they tell you to shut the fuck up cuz they got a fucken headache and all I keep thinkin' is why they have me if they don't fucken love me and why ain't I living with you and my real mama even if I gotta deal with that fucken shit that lives there cuz that be better cuz 'least I'd have you and my mama, and that's all I remember 'bout them, not being there or when they were there they treated me like shit, tellin' me to dress up like a fucken princess for those dumbass 'societes same day they got there, and all I wanna do is play ball with Riles and then go home to you and our mama, fuck those people, and now, now."

I see her exhale, rubbing that shoulder I'm holding, the one I kissed that day until she fell asleep, seeing those pretty eyes blink looking at the sky, and she says, "Now here thinkin' that I shoulda gone to your house, grabbed you, and tol' you how bad it really was and that we can do it, we can leave all that shit, us three, and go live together somewhere, anywhere, just not there, cuz you know, kinda, you know, it's that bad for your mama, you know, and now I just saw why those times I saw those black ass bruises on her and asked her how she got 'em she'd look away and say she fell and tell me don't worry 'bout it and she loves me and she wants me to get you so we can help making dinner cuz she wants to spend time with us, and that's why I freaked the fuck out Jazzy boo, cuz I know it was that bad for our mama, no matter what she says, and now just keep thinkin' how shoulda dragged you two out, 'way from his ass, the fuck away from him, takin' any money I found in that house and takin' you and our mama away, anywhere, nowhere, just fucken far away, cuz I love you."

I exhale, knowing people that are not our family and friends will never know how much she thinks about other people, how sensitive and warm and cuddly she is, how much she needs love, still, so much, and I say, "And I love you and our mom loves you so I know we wouldn't have let you steal anything from those people you lived with and get in trouble because of that and you remember what mom said, that she thought he was gonna change, even if now we know there was nothing to change, and I think we both thought that back then, kind of that something was gonna change with him, so if you would've come and said you wanted to live with us and told us to leave him we would've told you to just stay with us, live with us, and then one day, when we all saw how sick he was we would've left him, all of us together, I know it, but all mom and me would've wanted until that day was for you to stay and live with us, because that's where you belong, living with us, kicking butt, being the cuddly warm little sister I always wanted but didn't know I wanted until I met you, and today I know for sure, no matter what we saw in that video, that if he comes near our little family we'll restrain him, beat him up, shank him like mom said before he even touches us, and then maybe bury his body somewhere where our friends tell us to bury it."

I see her turn to me, see that small pretty smirk, those dark pretty eyes sparkling a little, and she says, "When you and mama get all hard ass and scary like that and shit?"

I feel my smirk and say, "I don't know but I know it comes out when it's about protecting and loving our little family, specially my cuddly little sister."

I see that smile and she says, "I'ma always love you big sis, always."

I exhale, feeling my smile, knowing, and say, "Same sis and I'm always gonna protect you because you're my big bright light that's warm and squishy inside, just like our mom, and the prettiest most superstitious most loyal girl I know for sure, no matter how much you try to show that gangster side that doesn't feel anything to anyone else, and I think everyone in our little group knows this about you, this side of you, and that's why everyone will always protect you and love you, no matter how much you try to not cry ever because I know what happened that day didn't happen just because of what we saw but maybe, a little bit, because you had been holding that in for a while, maybe holding it in for a long while, how scared you are."

I see her exhale, see those watery eyes, seeing her sniffle, feeling my eyes getting watery, a little, and I inhale, knowing she needs me to be okay right now, stable, maybe be the big sister, and I smile and say, "So you were scared, cried that day, you're probably gonna cry again, like I am, but for now we're gonna have fun, because we're all safe and happy and together, okay?"

I see her sniffle, see her smile and nod, and I hug her.

I feel her hug me, feeling her exhale, feeling that head on my shoulder, putting my face in the braid I love, hearing the sniffling, and hear her say, "Loves my teddy bear."

I exhale, holding her, knowing I love her so much, hearing those steps, all of them, hearing the cups being put down on the table, and start laughing, feeling those arms hugging us.

I put my face in the shoulder, hugging her, hearing the sniffles, and hear them all say they love us.

I nod, knowing we love them, and hear that voice say, "You's all so damn squishy and cute nowadays. What happen to ma hard ass fuck-what-I-left-behind-beating-down-dumbass-hoeish-gangs Mimi's, ma calling-them-all-satas-and-estupidos Laurie, and the scariest one of 'em, the I'ma-cut-my-fam's-name-on-dumbass-hoes Hiroki? You's all used to be hard asses, the hell happen?"

I can't help it, laughing with them, shaking my head, feeling the warm weather, the cool night air, feeling those arms, hearing the music we've been listening to all night, I think Electric by Alina Baraz and Khalid, a song I love, smelling that tea, and feeling those arms I love, not knowing how life got to be like this, remembering it was always okay, always kind of happy, specially when he wasn't around and it was just my mom, Cindy, and me or when it was Huey and me on our hill, those times, but now it just kind of feels like it's more good happy times, more of those times, and only some bad moments, not days, not weeks, just moments, and more of those happy times, days, weeks of being happy, almost like what this song feels like, electricity, electricity that doesn't stop completely, just jumps those bad moments, and then it keeps going, feeling so happy, so complete all the time, feeling myself sniffling.

Thank you Black Jesus. Thank you so much.

And I feel those hands, inhale, moving, feeling them holding me, and I start laughing, feeling those hands tickling me, asking for mercy, hearing them ask me if I'm going to stop crying.

I nod, laughing, saying I will, I promise, but they're going to make me pee.

I exhale, feeling them stop, and hear that voice say, "Okay, since we have the tea, and this is my last night let's keep talking until one of us does the sleepy-eye thing."

I smile, hearing them laughing, and feel those arms letting go of us.

I see her, see her sniffle with that big pretty smile, and I go up and kiss that forehead.

I exhale, letting go of her, seeing her grab her cup, and I turn, and feel my smile smelling it, and grab my cup of tea.

I take that drink, tasting it, that Jasmine tea they wanted to have tonight with my sister's cookies, feeling that warmth going down my throat, remembering that winter I got sick, remembering that tea with honey and spice and a little lemon. Warm and heavy, coating my throat with a soothing feeling. Just like that. Just like her, when I went to visit her when I was little, just like my, and I shake my head to not think about that, not right now, how guilty I still feel about that, not right now, later.

I look over at her, see her smiling at her cup of tea, knowing she hasn't talked enough and we missed her, and I say, "You haven't told us how last night's dinner was?"

I see those black eyes look up at me, see her smile get bigger, see her nod, hearing us giggle, and she says, "You're right and I do want to tell you all now and not through a text later and."

I see her exhale, see that eyebrow rise with that smirk, and she says, "He's basically part of the family now."

I feel my smile, see Lauren hug her, and hear that voice say, "And there was no initiation like Hiro said they'd be?"

I feel my smile, remembering after Hiro told Ed to not worry about meeting their family he added 'Worry about damn initiation they got,' seeing Ed put his head down with Hiroko patting him, hearing everyone laughing.

I see Hiroko look over at Ming with that smirk and she says, "There was, sort of, where my uncles made him sit through some of their war stories thinking he wouldn't be able to handle them."

I see her exhale, hearing us laugh, see her shake her head smiling, and she says, "Of course he could handle that and then he told my uncles some of his war stories."

I feel my mouth open and hear that voice say, "How'd that shit go, I means Ed's ain't good with that shit, you knows, talking 'bout that shit, right?"

I see Hiroko look over at my sister, see her nod, and see her look down at her cup, seeing that smirk again, and she says, "That's what I thought too but when they saw he didn't even move after some of those really horrible stories, some that involved my little brother, they."

I see her stop, see her exhale looking at her cup, seeing Lauren's hand on her shoulder, seeing her smirk at her cup, she says, "I know my brother is fine now, probably a lot more well-adjusted than he should be thanks to my parents, his friends, and Laurie, but those stories still make me sad, but I sat there, next to Edward, hearing my uncles tell him about some of the things they did when they were younger, honestly I think to scare him away from me more than anything else, and then hearing them tell him about some of the more recent things, things that happened just in the last few years, things that involved my brother, with Edward not saying anything, something that's really hard for him to do, I think surprising them that he just sat through all of it, didn't move or say anything, after all those stories, and then asking him if he had anything to say about how they lived and still live their lives."

I see her exhale, see her forehead scrunch, scooting up to her, hearing other chairs scooting up, seeing her smile at her cup, and she says, "He said he did have something to say about it but first he wanted to tell them about who he was, some of the things he had done, the things he had seen overseas, who his own family was, some of the ways they lived their lives, ways that led his mother into such an overwhelming depression that she took her own life."

I inhale, see Hiroko nod at her cup, remembering we don't really ask about Ed's mom, we just know she died when he was little, and she says, "Edward told them about those things, what he did, what he saw, some of those things his family had done, how young he was when he found out how his mother had died, how that led him into a path of self-destruction he could not steer away from until."

I see her exhale, feeling it again, that sadness with that connection we get to have with each other because we trust each other, and she says, "He said until he met me."

I exhale, seeing her small smile looking at her cup, seeing her sniffle, and she says, "And after telling my uncles all of that, seeing my dad there, smiling at Edward like he was proud."

I see her roll her eyes, see her shake her head, and I see her start laughing.

I exhale, hearing them, hearing them laughing with Hiroko, and I can't stop myself from laughing with them, and hear Hiroko say in between her laughing, "He said he doesn't have anything to say about how they live but he doesn't want them to involve my brother and I in their business anymore, ever, and in return when he takes control over his grandfather's business they'll have his gratitude, and then they took a few shots of whiskey one of my uncles had brought from Japan and called it a night, and it was nice."

I feel my mouth open, see her laughing still, hearing them laughing, and exhale, knowing no matter what, no matter what we've been through, life with them is awesome.

I feel myself getting even lower in the chair, this comfy chair full of history and love and fun, hearing them picking up their cups, and I look up, seeing those stars, and hear that sweet deep voice say, "Good shit Hiroki, glad you'll had a good ass night and talkin' 'bout having a good ass night that we ain't talk 'bout yet, how'd your night go Laurie butt?"

I look over at Lauren, see her mouth open, those wide eyes, and hear Hiroko say, "Laurie, please, whatever it is you did do not worry, I've known that my little brother is a lot more grown up in many ways, ways I told him to wait for until he was older, but that boy."

I hear Hiroko exhale, look over at her, see her roll her eyes taking a drink of her cup, feeling my smile, and I start laughing with them.

I exhale, taking a drink of that good tea, and hear Lauren say, "Well, okay, and you're right Hiroki about him being really grown up sometimes and even though I know he is your brother I know you're my friend too so I can talk about this."

I look over at her, feeling my smile seeing her long thick wavy dark hair coming out from that long braid, seeing her getting so red I can see it in the dark.

I see her exhale, see her blink at her cup, and she says, "So we went to eat to this really nice Puerto Rican restaurant that he said he knew and it was really nice, the food was good, and it was outside where they had little lights over us, and it was just us, alone, talking about his family, the things we want to do later when we graduate, and I don't know, maybe it was just being alone with him, maybe it's being here, spending time with his family and you Hiroki and Ed and his parents and my parents, or just seeing him talking to his family, his cousins, how cute he looks when he jokes around with them and tells them to not look at me like that or."

I see her exhale with her small smile, rolling her eyes, and she says, "Or he'll beat them until they're a mess on the floor and I have to tell him to stop being jealous even if it's cute because it's just his cousins."

I smile and hear that voice say, "Laurie, I think I know which ones of my cousins he's saying that to and only because I know those cousins I say to let my brother protect you even with threats."

I see that pretty face turn to Hiroko, see her smirk, and she says, "And that's kinda what he said at dinner last night and I told him fine and then."

I see her look down at her cup again, see her inhale, seeing her looking at her cup like that, kind of like she's looking for questions or answers in that cup, I don't know, but after fifteen seconds of her not saying anything I hear Ming say, "Laurie are you," and I hear Lauren say, "I told him I wanted to have sex, that night, I could call to say I'd be coming home late, and I wanted to have sex with him here, in Chicago, where he grew up because he grew up here, and it felt right, like it was the right time and I wanted it to be with him, here, because I was in love with him."

I feel my mouth open, remembering what time she got home, and hear that sweet deep voice I love say, "But Laurie butt, you got," and I hear Lauren say, "Yeah, so he said he wanted that too, if I wanted that because he loved me too but."

I see Lauren exhale, seeing her look away, seeing her forehead get red now, not knowing she could get this embarrassed, now knowing it could be this cute, and she says, "But he wanted us to go slow and maybe just start with doing things to each other, not just you know."

I see her inhale, still looking away, and she says, "Not just kissing and me going down on him but he wanted to do that to me first and we hadn't done that yet, you know, him doing that to me, and he said first we should do that, you know, him doing things to me, and then maybe after that we could have sex, if I still wanted to have sex, and then."

I see her exhale, seeing the redness going away a little bit, see her look back at her cup, seeing that pretty smile coming out slowly, and she says, "Then he said because of one of his old jobs, a job I still can't believe he had, no matter what things he did for his uncles, I still can't believe he worked at a place like that, a job that kinda even made me feel weird about getting naked in front of him, but because of that job, he said if I really wanted do things that night he could get us a room at a nice hotel, and I told him I wanted that."

I see her inhale, see her exhale, and she says, "So we took an Uber a few blocks down, walked into this really nice hotel, Midori's I think it was called, a hotel he said his old boss owned, walked right up to the counter, he introduced me to a lady, this really pretty Asian lady that he told me afterwards used to work at that same club he worked, and I swear when he introduced she kinda looked at me weird, like she was."

I see her exhale, see her smirk at her cup, and she says, "Jealous, a little I guess, and then he told her he wanted a room for the night, she gave him a key, and we went upstairs."

I see her inhale, see her exhale, seeing that redness coming back, and she says, "Then we did stuff, you know those things he wanted to do to me, you know, really liking it, so, so happy I had, you know, trimmed like we all talked about last time, and I really, really liked it, finishing, you know, having an orgasm for the first time ever like that, and then I did things to him again, going down on him, doing some new things I looked up online, and then I said something and made it really weird."

I feel my eyebrow rise and hear that voice say, "How Laurie? That sounds like a perfect night. There's nothing you could've said to make it weird."

I see Lauren look over at Hiroko, see her exhale smiling, I think happy Hiroko is really okay hearing this stuff, and she says, "You're right, it was perfect but when we were done because he said he wanted to talk for a little bit before he took me home, you know, talk about sex just so I could really be sure about it, if I still wanted to do it later, I told him how I learned about some of the things I did to him, how I looked them up online and even talked to my mom about them, even told him about the websites I looked up, and he said talking about sex and reading about it is different from doing it and I told him I did read about doing it, how it kinda happens, that I read that it's good to have medicine there just in case it hurts a lot and that no matter what it should fit, you know, inside of me, and then I think I told him that I was happy he was circumcised because I read it's really healthy even if I don't know why it's healthy."

I feel my mouth open, seeing Lauren looking down at her cup, I think getting so red I want to take a picture right now, because it's really cute when she gets that embarrassed, reminding me of how shy she can still get, not knowing what to say, kind of not wanting to think about Hiro being or not being circumcised, not remembering a lot about that because mom didn't talk about it a lot and I didn't look it up, and hear that sweet deep voice say, "'Bout that."

I look over at my sister, see her looking down at her cup, seeing that red face, remembering when we were all ten, see her look up at me with those dark ocean blue eyes, that small smile, and she says, "Wanned to ask you 'bout that shit, you knows, if that shit normal, cuz Riles got that too."

I feel myself blink, trying to answer my sister, not knowing how to answer her, and hear another voice say, "So, that be when like they cut the skin off their, you know, their penis, when they're babies right and then their skin can't cover them when their guys right?"

I look over at Ming, see her looking at her cup, super red too, and feel that hand on my knee.

I look over at my sister again, see look away and exhale, embarrassed I think, and she says, "That's kinda what I wanted to ask you when we were looking at that mask, you knows, that mask at the museum."

I blink, remembering last week at DuSable, the bundu mask that's my favorite one in the Africa Speaks room, the mask that I read they used in rituals with girls, maybe when they were circumcising them, when my sister asked me about it, and she asked if circumcising is something they do to guys, well boys, when they're babies, and then she didn't finish telling me something about the guys, our guys, seeing her looking away, embarrassed I think, and I say, "I remember now, you said you wanted to tell me something about Riley and Huey, but what was it sis?"

I see her nod, see her inhale, looking back at me with that red face, that small smile, and she says, "Just that kinda, wells, wanned to ask you if that shit's normal for the guys, you knows, to be circumcised, and cuz I remembered Mr. Potter talkin' 'bout that shit, you know in that sex ed week, when he said that when a guy puts on a condom if he ain't circumcised and got that extra skin then he can keep that skin inside the condom and just kinda be careful and whatnot putting on the condom, you know, tellin' the class that guys just need to get used to how it feels comfortable so they'll wanna use condoms, no matter if they got that extra skin or don't got it, and then me and Riles start doing it with no condom and I remembered that first time that he didn't put on a condom that he never pulled skin back when he was putting on a condom, he'd just put it on, thinking that's a damn good thing cuz sometimes I almost jumped on him with no condom, and when we were looking at that cool ass mask just thought 'bout that, remembering all that shit, thinking how I don't know if that shit's normal cuz Mr. Potter ain't say if lots of guys are circumcised and I wanned to ask you if it is normal since I asked Riles and he said he don't know if it's normal but, guess cuz of shit he found when he was a kid here, letters and some other papers from when they were babies, he knows both him and my big bro got it done when they were babies, you knows, circumcised."

I know my mouth is open and my face is really hot, probably super red, trying to not think about that, how we've only kissed since we got here, I've felt it, felt his hard cock a few times when I would wake up to him kissing me, and then he would get up and go to the bathroom.

And no matter how much I've wanted to have him alone, we've been good, not thinking about that, just spending time with family and friends, like right now, specially because we've just had so many things we wanted to do with family and friends, not thinking about that, not thinking about having him alone, just thinking about being with friends and family, looking at my sister who's looking at me like that, waiting for my answer I think, and I say, "Um, I don't really know if that's normal, you know, for guys to be circumcised, I just know Huey would put it on, you know, the condom, and I would put it on him sometimes, and he never had to pull back any kind of skin, so I guess he is, um, circumcised too."

I exhale, trying to relax a little and make the redness go away, seeing those blue eyes looking at me, kind of waiting for me to talk more, maybe because she still thinks I know more than her just because I'm a little older, even if she started having sex with her boyfriend first, but knowing she wants my answer I inhale, feeling my small smile, seeing her smile, and I say, "So I guess Huey is circumcised, like Riley, but I really never asked him because I didn't think about it and I don't really know a lot about that and I don't remember mom telling us too much about that either, but maybe we can ask mom more about that."

I see that pretty smile get bigger, see her exhale, I think maybe happy with that answer, feeling my smile, and hear that voice say, "So, when you ask your mom and shit."

I look over at Ming, see her looking at her cup with that red face, wondering if we've all been doing that talking about this, getting super red and embarrassed, looking at our cups, and she says, "Or, you know, when you or Laurie you ask your moms, if you ask about that, a guy being circumcised, maybe, can you, if you'll want, because you'll know my mom and dad, my folks, they're cool with me sleeping over, cool with knowing me and Michael maybe are having sex, but I don't think they wanna know for sure and I really don't know 'bout asking my mom about that kind of shit, you know, details 'bout that, so maybe."

I see her exhale, see her small smile looking at her cup, and she says, "So maybe if you'll talk to your moms 'bout that, guys being circumcised, can you ask if we gotta be careful to not hurt them when we're doing it with them? And can you ask if it's like something normal, that you kinda, maybe, like it that he is circumcised cuz you kinda like that he don't gotta pull his skin back or nothing, he just gotta put on the condom and then you can have sex, make love, if it's okay that you like it so much, that maybe it's cuz of that that you know you like going down on him cuz you looked up what it's like when a guy isn't circumcised and when you saw it you just knew you like that he is, cuz it just looks nice, it's look really fucken nice when he's hard with no extra skin, all nice and clean and shit and that's why you wanna go down on him every time, like if that shit's normal, to like it that damn much, you know, him being circumcised, can you'll ask if it's normal you'd have him no other fucken way?"

I blink and hear us say, "Damn straight."

I exhale, laughing with them, laughing so hard, trying to remember to not drop my cup, knowing this is awesome and I'm so lucky to have them.

And I hear, "Well, I think it's a good idea to ask your folks but I did take a psychology of sexuality class this semester, a class I didn't really want to take but Kathy suggested I take it, especially if I was thinking about starting another kind of relationship with Edward so I did, I took that class, and my professor did talk a little about circumcisions."

I open my eyes and see Hiroko's small smile looking at her cup, remembering what she told us in the restroom at the restaurant that day we all went to DuSable, that her and Ed started 'another kind of relationship' the week before when Ed had gone to pick her up at her school so they could fly from there to Chicago together.

I see her inhale with that small smile and she says, "And my professor said research shows that it's becoming a lot more common to see parents opting to have their boys circumcised with an increase in the last twenty years in minorities, possibly because they're taking their doctor's advice about it being healthier for their sons because that way, when they get older and start taking care of themselves, their sons won't get sick if they don't remember to clean themselves the right way, by pulling the foreskin around their penis back and cleaning under it, and of course being circumcised they don't have to worry about that foreskin getting in the way of putting on a condom or having to wait that extra second to pull the foreskin back to put on a condom, something really important for minorities Kathy said, because that way they'll have an easier time using protection so they don't get pregnant, which means fewer of their teenagers will get pregnant young, all because the guy wanted to put on a condom because he thought it wasn't difficult where if he had to deal with having foreskin to pull back he might think that extra second is too much to deal with and then not use a condom at all, and of course that could lead to an unplanned pregnancy, and."

I see her exhale, see her small smile, and she says, "And when I was talking to Edward about this, about how important it is for me to know these things, especially if I want to help girls that have gone through bad things when they were little, girls that will want to see a therapist that looks like them so they can feel more comfortable, maybe a woman that is Asian like them, a minority like them, specially knowing their parents will probably feel more comfortable sending their daughter to me because I look like them and understand their culture, one of the reasons my parents paid for and wanted me to see Kathy, because she would understand our culture and got recommended to my parents by other Asian families they knew, when I was talking to Edward about all of this."

I see her inhale, see her smile get bigger, and she says, "He said it was great that Kathy told me to take that class, psychology of sexuality, that he knew I would get an A because I'm so smart and I study so much, and then he kept playing with me, kissing me, I think because he likes when I talk about school or my classes and I think he was just really happy my roommate wasn't there because she had left home for summer vacation and I had asked him to sleep over because I wanted to start having a sexual relationship with him, maybe not all the way yet, but getting to know each other in that way, and yes, he is also circumcised."

I blink, knowing my mouth is open, and then I hear it, that thing that makes me so happy, the laughing.

And now I know we're all laughing, again, hearing us laughing so hard, loving it, hearing Hiroko tell Lauren that's how she knows nothing she ever says could make her night with Hiro weird, because we all say weird things, and our boyfriends like us anyways, laughing with them, trying to remember about that little cup I'm holding so it doesn't fall on the ground, that little cup that my friends filled with Jazmine tea and I drank, having fun with them, talking, thanking Black Jesus, sitting in these chairs full of history and love and fun.


I exhale, seeing it, hearing the talking about her leaving.

I focus on the book, this prep SAT book, thinking about boxes with books, boxes full of items, personal items, hearing that voice say she'll miss her but she knows she wants to finish college early and that's why she's leaving tomorrow morning, and I exhale.

I inhale, focusing, trying to even if it's futile, thinking about her, remembering her not letting Hiroko go, just like her sister and friends, half an hour ago, with Hiroko telling them she would try to visit during the fall semester, seeing those long arms finally letting go, and grabbing those hips before she grabbed on to her again, knowing Leo still needed to drop off Hiroko at her relative's house and then he needed to drive to his apartment where Caesar and his mother were waiting to have dinner with him, and I hear them talking about the shelter now.

I exhale, hearing that possibly giggle, hearing the laughing from the kitchen, focusing on that voice rather than anything else and not the fact that I have not been able to concentrate enough to get through an entire section since coming back.

And what the hell do I do with this? First, that book, and now, this.

Damn it.

I close my book, putting it down, and hear them talking about the kids at the shelter with Jazmine and Cindy consoling Lauren about some of those kids.

I inhale, knowing where to focus, at the very least to not focus on what I do not want to focus on, possibly not until much later, waiting, waiting for her to be done with them, to focus on keeping her safe, knowing she's thirty feet away, knowing I have to focus, focus on right now, and I look up at the screen.

And I see the screaming match, because that's what it is when rightwing and leftwing politicians discuss people needing an extension of unemployment benefits, it's a fucken screaming match.

I inhale, knowing if I had a say in it, there would be no screaming, just action, fucken action, or they would be replaced, one way or another, with people that do care about doing their damn job, people that give a damn, like her, focusing, focusing on her again, hearing those footsteps, hearing her moving my prep SAT book that I have not concentrated on since I sat back down on this couch, the last half hour trying to focus on my book, not focusing on it, and I feel that kiss on my cheek.

I exhale, possibly feeling my smirk, feeling her, that thick thigh next to me, focusing on right now, and I put my arm over her.

I bring her in, finally focusing on the screaming match, remembering there are some, not nearly enough, but some, that care, thinking about what we're here to do, focusing, and hear that voice say, "Do they actually ever work together?"

I exhale, feeling my smirk possibly get bigger, seeing who's screaming on that screen, remembering what year it is, and say the truth, "Not unless it's an election year and their voters have had a difficult year, which means they'll be out of a job soon unless they do work with one another to pass some laws beneficial to everyone that's not in the point one percent."

I feel that head on my chest, feeling my exhale, possibly feeling myself forgetting about what I do not want to focus on for the rest of our time here, and hear that voice say, "In Ms. Reed's we talked about the one percent, you know the really, really rich people that make a lot of money, not just because they come from money but because they just make a lot of money, like doctors and really rich attorneys that work for big companies that charge a lot of money, I think families like the Wunclers, but who's in the point one percent?"

I exhale, relaxing, seeing the screaming match happening right now, the idiot in the middle trying to defuse it and failing miserably, feeling relaxed, like everything, regardless of those things I'm trying to not focus on, those things I will not focus on for the rest of our time here, continues to fall into place, and say, "It's not well-known who is in the point one percent because people hide money, properties, investments, but generally it's those that are in finance and insurance because people throw money at them to invest with and people trust too little in their own day to day lives to not have insurance on anything they own, all of which results in more money, security, for those in finance and insurance that take the money and invest in stocks, wall street, something not enough people research before dumping their life savings into it and losing all of it, but."

I hear them saying goodnight, turn to them, waiving, seeing them walking up those stairs, and hear that voice say goodnight to them, knowing she could sleep up there, where she would also be safe, with family and friends, she could sleep up there, knowing I am selfish in wanting her to stay down here, regardless of anything I saw or felt tonight, I'm being selfish, and I do not want to be like that family, the one we are much more physically close to right now.

I inhale, feeling my jaw clench because I'm selfish in every respect with her, in Woodcrest, here, in all places, and say, "You could sleep with them, upstairs."

I exhale, readying myself to sleep down here, without her, knowing I'll stay up researching, reading, doing anything and everything possible to not walk up those stairs, walk into that room, pick her up, and I feel my exhale, feeling that arm going around my stomach, and hear that voice say, "But I get to hang out with them all day, and right here you need me, down here, so you can sleep better, even if you can sleep better now, I think, I still help you sleep a little better I hope, and when we go back to Woodcrest my sister and friends and me all promised each other that every other Friday we're going to start sleeping at each other's houses to spend more time with each other, and right now, here, I want to sleep with you. Do you not want me to sleep with," and I answer, "I do."

I feel her exhale, feeling that breast on my side, trying to relax, and hear her say, "Finish what you were gonna say about the point one percent bestie."

I look down at her, see those greens looking at the screen, that French braid she likes to do to hold that afro down, feeling that long braid by my arm, hearing the screaming match, seeing those greens blink, and say, "But they, the ones in the point one percent, are not the problem, they add to the problem, the system is the problem, the fact that it works to benefit them and they have influence over the system, that's the problem."

I see her exhale, knowing she's tired from being with her friends right now after not being able to talk to them alone most of the day because she was spending time with family and everyone that was here again throughout the day. And this went on all day, including when Caesar and his mother walked in earlier in the day, his mother handing me a salad she made me, gave me a hug I returned, hearing that giggle from Jazmine, and then I saw her walk off with Jazmine and her friends into the kitchen to possibly talk. That gave Caesar and I a chance to talk about the changes being implemented at the shelter here after those meetings we helped with over the weekend. And then there were the others, Hiroko, Hiro, my brother, coming and going to visit friends, hearing my brother say some of his friends found out he's actually leaving the house and not just going to the courts this time. Everyone coming and going because everyone's here to see family and visit friends this time. I exhale, knowing everyone seems, for the most part, a lot more stable and mentally capable this time, happier possibly, or it could just be me.

I see those greens looks up at me, see that smile, and she says, "Huey, you don't have to tell me but when I came in here earlier and asked where you were they told me, well, my mom and pop's told me that you were with Aunt Cookie and."

I inhale, see that face come up, and taste that peck, trying to not want more, to only focus on her, do anything to her, not only because I do not want to use her to not think about other things but because my hormones are being idiots not remembering where we are most of the time, keeping them in line by only letting myself kiss her in that way every three days in the morning, feeling myself getting hard when I am kissing her like that, feeling those arms hugging me, sometimes feeling those soft fingers under my shirt on my back, kissing her, while everyone in the house is either still sleeping or out on a morning walk, and then getting up to go to the bathroom to jackoff, trying to not make a fucken sound knowing she's right here and I could be inside of her, let alone see more of that body, thinking about her as I ejaculate over the toilet that easily. And that is all my idiot teenage hormones get every three days, whether they fucken appreciate it or not.

I exhale, holding that face, kissing that soft face where she'll let me, where it's respectful with everyone awake in the house, focusing on this, and hear that voice say, "And I'm not gonna ask about that Huey, you tell if you want, but know I'm here okay because you're my best friend before you're my boyfriend and that means if you want to talk about anything you and Aunt Cookie talked about or you wanna talk about being here or even the revolution to overthrow the system that keeps people in the point one percent really rich and everyone else really poor, because income inequality is real, institutionalized racism exists right now everywhere, and not enough people care, but we care, our friends care a lot, a lot of people do care, then I'm here so you can talk to me, okay, and that's what I want you to think about, all of that, that we care about all of that, and just know that I care about you like everyone does because it's you, and you can tell me anything, when you want, if you want to, okay?"

I hug her, wanting more, putting my face in that neck to not ask for more, knowing at least here, in her neck, I can smell her, and not kiss her face, even if I could bite that neck right now, trying to keep my hormones in check because I just realized aside from other times, those times she reminds that she doesn't just love me, she actually cares for me, I like to, want to, make love to her, not only to focus on her but for many reasons.

I exhale, knowing because she cares for me and has never shown me otherwise, given me any reason to not trust her, I do trust her, and say the truth, "Tonight, while you were all talking in the backyard, I talked to Aunt Cookie and it was."

I inhale, knowing what I want, to be selfish, to focus on her, and I grab the material at the end of that braid, pulling on it, hearing her exhale as I'm putting my fingers through that hair, moving that hair out of that braid.

I feel that thick, sometimes coarse hair, coarse when she's been out in the sun part of the day, like today when she spent time with people in that backyard, feeling those curls on my face, not giving a shit who's around, who could walk into the living room right now and see me hugging her like this, with my face in her neck, both my hands in that hair, feeling it, because it's what I want after that talk, after too many thoughts, and say, "It was difficult, had to do with my parents, specifically my mother, I don't feel like talking about it, not right now, possibly not until much later, and tonight I want to hear you talk about anything."

I exhale and say, "Please."

I feel that exhale in that body, that body that's flushed against me, and I possibly want to keep like this tonight, focusing on this, and hear that voice say, "Okay bestie, we'll talk about stuff, you know maybe fun stuff, but let's get ready for bed first and since we both already had tea maybe no more tea tonight, not even your fav, okay, just water, and then we'll talk, maybe even about some really great things we're going to do here, but first get ready for bed and I'll make the bed tonight, okay?"

I exhale and nod, knowing where to focus, knowing the rest can be talked about later, much later, and she's right, there's much more we can focus on and talk about right now.


I hear them talking, focusing on the talking and not the absurdity of how long this has taken, possibly because yesterday's meeting was short, precise, started at nine in the morning, we got straight to the damn point without dealing with this bureaucracy, and we were home by ten in the morning, early enough to take care of other responsibilities.

And I hear that voice, that voice that I've been able to listen to for most of those meetings say, "Well hopefully Laurie won't worry about him too much and they're making her have fun at the mall, and thank you for coming again."

I shake my head at her politeness, politeness she uses with strangers and her friends, and hear Ming say, "Jazzy you know I ain't letting you come do this by yourself, even if you got bodyguards and shit."

I go back to looking at my phone, focusing on right now, the dates, when we contacted this one, when they stopped, towards the end of the semester, looking at the date when we got this email.

That date. May twenty-ninth. The last Friday in May.

I inhale, remembering that date, the last day we talked to her, when we told her about our plans for the summer, the ones we had finalized, and she said she wanted us to enjoy ourselves, to not do too much, and be here until we were planning on going back to Woodcrest. We argued with her, told her how we could spend time here and then with her, and she said she didn't want us taking too many plane flights because that's not good for a person's lungs. I inhale, knowing I could've argued with her on how unscientific that is, that research shows that's not medically sound, but for reasons I have yet to figure and out of respect for her, I did not argue with her.

I exhale, remembering that conversation, knowing even if she told Jazmine to focus on being here, here in Chicago enjoying herself, every time Jazmine says anything about her, even mentions her, I see that look on her face, that look where I know she feels some amount of guilt.

I inhale, knowing I should be focusing on my phone, but instead now, for some inexplicable reason, I'm thinking about two nights ago, after I came out of the bathroom, and saw that she had made our bed for the night. I looked at that face, saw that smile, and I saw her walk into the bathroom behind me. Then I waited for her to come out so we could lay down on those three blankets on the floor, covered with two more blankets, and we could talk.

And we talked.

We talked about how much she would miss Hiroko and how much fun they had the days they were able to spend with her. We talked about the kids at the shelter, the calls they make each Sunday where Tamera and Tia are now able to pick up right away because Monica lets them have her phone that day to wait for their call, how happy she was that every time they've called Zari is there and he's asked for me every time to ask me questions about the book he's reading and clarify some events in Malcolm X's life. Then we talked about a problem I still need to remedy, that boy, that kid that still shows up at the shelter because the policy at the shelter is to let anyone in, even to just use the playground on the weekends, so long as they aren't a danger to themselves or others and I know Frank tends to be lenient with children. She told me Tamera said that boy has talked to her and he's been 'nice,' possibly acting like how he treated her that day didn't happen, but even when he does talk to her Zari is there, next to her, whether it's because they're all reading, doing summer school homework, or playing games, apparently all of them, Tamera, Tia, Zari, and Zari's cousin. And then Jazmine told me to not worry about any of that because she told Tamera to make sure to keep enjoying herself, possibly telling her to have fun by hanging out with her sister and Zari whenever she's at the shelter even if she plays games with other kids, but to always make sure to have her sister or Zari with her, and feeling that warmth when she was telling me what she instructed Tamera to do I started tickling her. And when I was satisfied with hearing her laugh just enough, knowing she was trying to not laugh where she would wake up the house, I stopped tickling her and told her to keep talking. Then she told me how that day Hiroko had also given them her opinion telling them that boy that bothered Tamera might change because children in general are resilient and can bounce back from many psychological problems but either way Tamera should stay away from him, and then they all consoled Lauren telling her to not blame herself and to have hope he's going to change. Then, because I wanted to know, I asked her how she was feeling about not making that monthly phone call the previous month, something I knew she was used to doing.

I exhale, remembering she said she didn't feel good about it because now that she's getting older she wants to check on her more, but she had been given specific instructions to not call her until we were all back in Woodcrest, to enjoy being here in Chicago and not think about being anywhere else, possibly because that woman knows the moment Jazmine speaks to her she'll start feeling that guilt, that guilt I see on that soft face whenever she mentions her, right before she puts that forehead on my back when she's hugging me, like she did two nights ago, the night she helped me focus on her, those things, like she does when she helps me focus, focus on the things we're here to do, so I possibly would not think about several things, occurrences, or that talk I had with Aunt Cookie, that talk I have not thought about for two nights.

And right now we're here, the second one this week, focusing on this right now, even if in the back of my mind I am still trying to figure this out, how to solve this problem, the one that's the cause of the guilt I see on that soft face.

I see that soft face smile at Ming, remembering where we are, focusing, and I look down at my phone, seeing those dates again, possibly still thinking about how to solve that problem, the one that causes her guilt, and exhale, knowing.

I stop looking at that email and open a website to see the schedule, knowing I'll have to talk to several people first, people who will be affected by those changes, whether or not it's something they would accommodate to, possibly also talking to others that might want to be involved for their own reasons, but all of that, looking through this schedule, the changes, talking to people about it, even maybe, possibly, letting them have a say in those changes, could outweigh the necessary talking if only to not see guilt on that soft face.

And as I feel that hand on my leg, the one that's been on my leg since we arrived thirty-five minutes ago, I know the necessary changes and talking to that many people will be worth it, and I hear the other conversation.

I inhale, focusing on my phone, the schedule, and not the other two voices, one that I was not looking forward to listening to again, all the way from her house to our destination, again, an entire half hour of hearing her talk, again, trying to not hear her talk for the last thirty-five damn minutes and hear him say, "Man, I'ma 'bout to tell her ass I'm out."

I exhale annoyance, knowing we've dealt with her several times before today and the worst, at least for today, is almost over, it has to be, but I still need him to act like the buffer he's been this time, I need that to deal with her, and I say, "Caes, you leave and I will drag you back."

I hear him exhale, knowing he's annoyed too, possibly as much as I am, having to spend this much time with her as opposed to last time we visited when Caesar did the physical work, meeting with them, not as much as this time, but still, he did all of it, while I stayed at Aunt Cookie's with Jazmine because I wanted to spend time with family. Furthermore, my main focus is the incarceration, the systematic killing of black and brown men and women where I fight it by sending threatening letters, emails, showing up to protests to speak when they ask me to, and doing what's necessary for attorneys that actually want to help the black, brown, and poor communities, and this is not my focus, it's hers. And last time Caesar met with them, did some of the physical work that's necessary so we can continue to be aware of what our community needs, not just through the platforms, but actually being on the street, and I didn't do any of it because I didn't want to see any of it, Chicago. I just wanted to be at Aunt Cookie's with Jazmine, while Caesar reported back about what they had done, if anything, that day. But this time it's different because we're more involved, because of her focus on children, and I'm doing this for her because I just need to send threatening letters, emails, show up to protests when they come together, do what's necessary for attorneys that actually want to help, and my focus is not on the black and brown, the poor children that are affected by the system, which is why we're here, because her focus requires that we are here, along with her insistence on it, no matter how much we told her this wouldn't change a damn thing, but that Jazmine head is stubborn when it's about her focus, something she possibly hasn't noticed yet, but.

I exhale, possibly longer, remembering why we're here, even if doesn't change a damn thing, going back to those emails, focusing on those dates again, hearing him exhale, and hear him say, "Wald."

I hear him get up from his seat, hear those steps walking over to us from across the waiting room, hear him stop in front of Caesar, hear him exhale, and hear him say, "Yeah man?"

I hear Caesar inhale and hear him say, "If I pay for an Uber after this you cool taking her home?"

I hear that inhale, hear those steps, and hear the voice next to me stop, the voice I was possibly also listening to, along with focusing on these dates I was not focused on, not wanting to listen to or caring about Waldo and her conversation.

I see her shoes, not understanding how the hell those shoes could be practical considering we are here to work, and I exhale, looking up, at the very least to stop her from having any outbursts.

I see her looking to my far left and see her roll her eyes, feeling those soft fingers possibly digging into my jeans, feeling my eyebrow rise, wondering how much of her patience she's going to test today.

I see her exhale looking to my far left where Ming is sitting and she says, "Why? We came together, just like yesterday, so we're going home together again, or are you'll trying to leave right after to be with other people instead of hanging out with us who've done more for the orgs than those other people ever done?"

I hear that exhale and look over at her, feeling my smirk seeing those eyes are closed, knowing she's had to do that every time this girl's opened her mouth, she's had to meditate for two seconds. I see those greens open, those greens that remind me of where they come from, her African roots, and she says, "Ericka, I do not care, I don't, do not make a scene here where we're here to help."

And I see her inhale, standing up, possibly feeling my smirk get bigger, hearing that girl inhale, see those greens blink, and she says, "Okay? Please Ericka, please, we're just here to help, and after this we're leaving home and Caesar's being nice by saying he'll pay for an Uber so Waldo can take you home, that's all, don't see more into it or."

I see her exhale and she says, "Are you trying to show us that you haven't moved on, saying anything about them leaving right after this to hang out with us or anyone, because I want to hope that someone that has done so much for the organizations would also be honest when she said one week ago that what's in the past is in the past, that she's moved on, because I remember that's what you said at the shelter, that we weren't gonna talk about any emails that didn't have to do with the work, and we all agreed on that, because we were there and are here to help, we're not here to ask about what we're doing after this, so please tell me you have moved on, that you don't care about what we're doing after this, that you won't make it a big deal if you do leave with Waldo after this, and that you're not gonna make a scene here where they could tell us to leave and it."

I see her inhale, grabbing that hand, and she says, "Hurt the kids we're trying to help, please tell me that Ericka, that you're not gonna make a scene, please."

I exhale, pull on that soft hand, and see her sit down, feeling her put that hand on my jeans, and I look back down at my phone, holding that thigh down, looking at the dates.

And I hear that voice say, "I said I moved on and I did and I'm not talking about what we're here for or how the people are gonna get hurt if anyone makes a scene, just saying that we all came together and I don't see the damn problem with leaving together, like we did before you'll came along, and I want to leave with them too, like we're all together in the orgs, alright?"

I exhale, feeling those fingers digging into my jeans again, putting my hand over that soft hand, reminding her to focus, and hear him say, "Nah, and it ain't alright."

I look over at Caesar, see him stand up, and see him walk around Waldo and her, over to my far left.

I look back down at my phone, hearing them talking, possibly trying to defuse this pointless situation, and hear Ming say, "No babe, ain't nothing happening, just let me settle this and you know me, if I say nothing's happening it's cuz I know nothing's happening, 'kay?"

I hear that exhale, holding that soft hand over my jeans, looking at the dates in my phone, and hear Ming say, "Ericka, first, don't be talking to Jazzy like that cuz she's the only person here trying to be fucken nice to your ass."

I hear that inhale, holding that hand, feeling those fingers going in between my own, and hear Ming say, "Second, you are making a scene coming up to us like this in the middle of the waiting room, when you know they could call us in any damn time."

I hear the exhale, feeling those fingers moving through my own, knowing she's at least not angry now, and hear Ming say, "Third, we all know you'll didn't do nothing like this before Jazzy and me, yes, you set up protests, good ones too that I'm damn sure they couldn't do without you, sent emails and letters, got things, real things done, but that's it, coming to do this kind of thing ain't something you did before cuz you didn't focus on little kids like you do now, and do not fucken lie 'bout that shit cuz I know it's only because of Jazzy being in it now that the organizations are working on helping little kids now, not just adults going to jail, and don't fucken lie."

I hear that exhale next to me, knowing she's paying attention, not adding to it, helping, and hear that voice say, "I don't like you, I don't fucken like you."

I hear her inhale, holding that hand down, and say, "Jazmine."

I hear that exhale and hear Ming say, "I'll get back to you on that, fourth, yesterday we all left together cuz it was quick, in and out, and we didn't have to spend this much fucken time together, like at the shelter, where I saw you for a minute, gave us some bullshit 'bout moving on, bullshit me and Jazzy didn't fall for but we're trying, trying to hope you did move on, but even if you didn't move on, and this where I'm getting back to what you just said."

I hear her exhale, holding that soft hand down, and hear Ming say, "I don't fucken like you either, something damn hard to do cuz I like a lot of people, probably cuz you been giving me the stink eye since last week, and I know it's cuz no matter what you say now or ever, no matter who you tripping on now, because we all seen you not letting Waldo damn breathe when he has a girl, a girl he talks 'bout, tells us how much she wanted to be here but she's busy, and you still ain't letting him breathe, but still no matter what I know what's going down and the way you looking at my man, I will fuck you up if you keep on."

Shit.

I inhale, looking up, readying myself, seeing Ericka looking at Ming, knowing what's coming, putting my phone in my pocket, and hear Waldo say, "Ericka you out if you start shit, and no more chances for you, not one."

I see Ericka look over at Waldo, see her mouth open, and hear that voice say, "Guys just calm down."

I see Ericka look back at Jazmine, see her inhale, and hear that voice next to me say, "And don't Ericka, don't, just stop, don't start anything because what Mimi just said is right, everything she said is right, you have been looking at her like she stole something from you when she didn't, she did not, and believe me, and I'm telling you this to help you because you are part of the organizations and we need you, Mimi is a lot faster than me and she will have you on the floor before you can use that right fist you're hiding."

I look over at her, see those greens looking up at Ericka, not being able to stop my smirk, feeling that damn pride, seeing her looking up, a position I've told her places her at a disadvantage but she's possibly more capable than I give her credit, and she says, "Yes, we both saw that fist, we know you'll use it to punch her sideways or directly in her face and she will stop you, I promise you she will, but."

I lick my lips wondering when the hell this day can end and we can go back home, to that floor, so I can do more than tickle her tonight, and she says, "I don't want that to happen, I know Mimi doesn't want that to happen either because that could affect those little kids we want to help too much and she cares about those little kids, she cares about something Caes really cares about, the organizations, and we know you care too, if not you wouldn't be here during your vacation doing something that you're interested in but it's not your main focus, I know."

I see her exhale, knowing after this we're all going home where she's sitting on my lap, and she says, "And I also know the organizations don't just need you, they really need you, because you can get the women together for protests, you can talk to them about other problems that the guys maybe can't, and you live here and can go do things, like going to see people here to talk to them, things we can't do because we don't live here, and we don't want to lose that, but."

I hear that door open, not caring, see her inhale, and she says, "If you do this again, look at her like that, I'm stepping out, not getting involved, because my Mimi's been itching for a good fight, and I promise the organizations won't be affected, somehow, we'll figure it out, hopefully still working with you after she puts you on the floor, unless of course you send any emails like the one you sent months ago to Caes and we stop working with you or after Mimi shows you how fast she puts you on the floor so many times that you won't want to work with us, so decide, stop looking at her like that, stop acting like we're your enemies and just work us, hopefully being the strong woman the organization's, not us but the organizations, right now, right here, or leave."

I see her stand up, watching her turn, and hear her apologize to that clerk and say she's going.

I get up, seeing them all turn to follow her, hearing Ericka calling Waldo, and exhale, tired from today, say, "Waldo we need you for the people."

I hear him step up next to me and hear him say, "Yeah man."

I exhale and say, "If I don't say it enough, thanks."

I feel that tap on my shoulder, something he's been doing since yesterday, possibly because we've all been spending much more time together this time around, and hear him say, "I know man and you don't gotta say it and just give her a minute."

I feel my eyebrow rise, not necessary caring, and walk into the office.

And I exhale, walking in, glancing at the walls, enough to see the numerous degrees, business awards, the recognition they need, the pointless waiting we did right now because they have numerous assistants whose job it is to make people wait to make the person behind the desk feel important, the bureaucracy to make them feel useful and important, knowing this is going to be fruitless, and that Jazmine head is too optimistic still, hearing that woman tell us to sit down.


I sit down in the chair, reminding me of the ones my mom uses at her office, hearing everyone sitting down, and hear the door close.

I sit up, making sure look her in the eye, feeling my small smile, professional I hope, see her exhale, and she says, "I'm sure it was quiet a drive, so I'll make it quick, we have nothing to donate here, specifically to any nonprofit, regardless of their goals or aspirations, and you can all leave."

I inhale, feeling the plushy soft chair I'm sitting on, remembering my mom when she's in her office, how she has to be like that with people sometimes but that's when they're being disrespectful, and I say, "I'm sorry if you feel we've taken up your time or disrespected you in anyway, that wasn't what we were trying to do."

I see her exhale and she says, "You have not, but," and I hear that door open.

I see her look behind me, hear the door close, hear that chair move, and hear Ericka say, "We still having a meeting?"

I see her inhale, see her exhale, and hear Ming say, "Yes we are and Ms. Shagan we're sorry none of us introduced ourselves, my name is Ming Long-Dou, this is Jazmine Dubois who emailed your company few weeks ago, next to me is Michael Caesar and Waldo Martin and next to Jazmine is Huey Freeman, and behind us is Ericka Xanther. Michael, Huey, Ericka, and Waldo all started the organizations and we, Jazmine and me, we're just here to help out, and we are sorry if we, um, disrespected you in some way, ma'am."

I see the lady exhale looking at Ming and she says, "You have not, but you have taken up my time with this when my secretary clearly stated in her reply that we are no longer able to donate."

Black Jesus help, help.

I inhale and say, "Can I ask if there's a reason you can't donate anymore, please?"

I see her look at me, see her nod, and she says, "Two reasons, one, it no longer fits within the company's goals to donate what we aren't able to sale at wholesale to fulfill contractual agreements, and two, because our company has surpassed our expectations in sales, we just are not left with enough to donate."

I exhale, trying, really, really, trying to stay positive because things always work out, they do, and I say, "Thank you but even if it doesn't fit your company's goals, and I'm sure with such a big company you have talked to other organizations and they have told you their goals and aspirations, can we at least tell you what our goals are, and then after that you can tell us if they don't fit with yours, and then we'll leave, I promise?"

I see her sit back, see her exhale, see look at her desk, I think at her clock, and she says, "You have five minutes."

I feel my smile knowing things are going to work out and hear Waldo say, "I'll go first. It'll take me a few minutes to talk about the people we wanna help and then Caesar will finish up."

I see her nod, see her look at her clock again, and she says, "Begin."

I look over at him, see Waldo stand up, and I pray that Black Jesus is watching.

Please be watching, please.


Fruitless, pointless, and she's too optimistic, and after this we're going home to research the ways this company doesn't hire blacks or browns and possibly how they evade paying their taxes, as I feel myself stand up.

I see her look up at me, see her exhale, like she doesn't care, couldn't fucken care, and I say, "Have a nice day."

I see that woman inhale and I look over at her, grab that hand I haven't touched for five and a half minutes, see that smile, and hear that voice say, "Thank you for your time Ms. Shagan and I'm happy to have met a woman in charge of such a big company. Thank you."

I feel my eyebrow rise and exhale at her smiling at that woman, seeing that optimism in that soft face, knowing it is optimism, hope that there's some good in possibly all people, even in imbeciles, males and females of all ages and races, people that couldn't give a shit who they step on to reach the pinnacle of their career, seeing those eyes sparkling with that hope or possibly sparkling with water, and I pull on that hand.

I see her stand up, see that soft face nod, see her look over at Ming, and hear her say, "Oh, go ahead Mimi."

I feel my eyebrow rise, remembering yesterday.

I look over that blonde afro with those two braids holding it down, see Ming slightly bow, and hear her say, "Thank you for time ma'am."

I look back down at that blonde afro, see that face turn to me, that face with those greens with that water, exhale, wanting to be fucken home, and hear a voice say, "Thank you, my daughter, she's."

I feel my eyebrow rise, see that face turn to that woman, hear that woman exhale, and hear her say, "My daughter is learning some of her customs mostly through books and right now she's taken to bowing when she wants to say thank you and so, thank you for that gesture."

I see that small smile, the one I'll be kissing tonight, not wanting to stay here any longer, see that mouth open in to that small 'o,' surprised possibly, and she says, "And because Mimi just reminded me I wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss ma'am."

I feel my eyebrow rise, hearing that woman inhale, look over at her, and see she looks surprised, more than mildly surprise, and she says, "Excuse me?"

I turn back to her, pull on that hand, see that small smile looking at that woman, and she says, "Well, I thought what you were looking at on your desk was one of those electric clocks that are inside a desk but looking it a few times I saw that it didn't change and I also saw that the first number is not a number, it's a letter, then a dash and then some numbers after it, and I know I'm assuming a lot, but it reminded me of something a friend told me, about her dad getting a tattoo a long time ago, a tattoo of those numbers that were put on the only survivor from his family that escaped from those places, those camps, because she was small enough to fit into a box some people used to get her out, and he got those numbers tattooed because he never wants to forget what she went through, how lucky they are, and how grateful they are, and I'm grateful for that, that she did escape from those evil horrible camps because we all get to have a really good friend because she did escape, and I'm so sorry for your loss."

I see her turn to me, see that small smile, and she says, "Let's," and I hear that woman say, "Please wait."

I see that face turn to that woman and hear that woman say, "First, thank you, those numbers were my father's, the only survivor in his family, second."

I see that face nod and hear that woman say, "I'm also grateful that he survived in a similar way as you friend's, I'm guessing a great grandparent or possibly a grandparent who escaped, which is why I keep these numbers, a remembrance of my father's pain and his survival, here inscribed on any desk I ever own, and why I chose to dedicate my life to this company, a company my father started when he arrived here, and lastly why I chose to take care of my father and mother in every way I could, primarily financially, in order to thank them both for their sacrifices, not thinking of myself until the day they both died, one of the reasons why, having just reached my sixties, I have two young daughters, both adopted, the older one coming from my own family and the younger, one who turned six yesterday, that comes from Chinese parents."

I see that smile, trying to figure if I should put her over my shoulder now, and hear a voice say, "So why didn't you adopt a black kid?"

I see that soft face exhale, pulling on that damn soft hand that won't move with me, and hear that woman say, "Although I have no reason to answer someone that has been as forward as you have been, interrupting others as you have today, I will ask you as an answer to your question another question, and that is would you rather have me adopt a child I didn't know over my own niece who had lost both her parents in a car crash when she was just a child at six years old?"

I inhale, feeling that soft hand squeezing my hand, possibly, focusing on right now, and look back at that woman.

I see that woman inhale and she says, "A child should never go through that and be placed in the care of strangers but should be with family, that's the only place a child in that state should be in, or would you rather have me adopt a child I didn't know and leave my own niece with people that would not care for her as I do?"

I hear that inhale and hear that voice say, "No, I didn't say that, I meant why didn't you adopt a black kid instead of the Chinese girl."

I hear that inhale next to me, look back at her, see that face is turned to Ming, and hear Caesar say, "Thank you for your time ma'am, we're," and hear that woman say, "Please let me answer for the sake of this young lady who gave me that reminder of how important it is that my daughter learns about her culture."

I hear that exhale next to me, ready to leave this damn place because of a growing number of reasons, and hear that woman say, "Ms. Xanther, is that correct?"

I hear her inhale and hear her say, "Yeah, that's right."

I hear that woman exhale and I look back at her, see her possibly looking at Ericka, something I will not be doing for some time, possibly, if I can help it, not for the rest of this damn day, not after she stopped Waldo and Caesar several times during their presentations only to try to sound like she knew anything with both of them having to correct her, and that woman says, "Ms. Xanther, I would never adopt a child that has little resemblance to my family, where at least with my daughter her father could be Chinese but with a completely black child it would be obvious that I am not their mother, something that would make them a ridicule at school, possibly a pariah among their classmates, enough that it might lead them down a path of psychological issues I am not prepared to deal with, and furthermore, it is not my job to adopt anyone, in particular children that should be adopted by people of their own race, people they resemble, in order to give that child a stable, possibly a normal life, something they could not receive from a mother that looks nothing like them, regardless of how much I pay for their education, because in the aftermath nothing could stop that child from having those psychological issues from feeling abandoned and then never fitting into the world of their adopted family, and that is why I would never adopt a black child, not for myself but for them, and Ms. Long-Dou, to answer further, for your sake."

I see that woman look at Ming, possibly smile, and she says, "When I was looking to add to our family, hopefully a younger sister for my first daughter I had an employee here, an accountant, who told me about how she had been adopted by an American family, how she dealt with that realization, and how grateful she was that she had been given the opportunity to be an American in that process, an American with opportunities she was then able to give to her younger siblings in China when she was financially capable, and how throughout the process she never once felt disowned or abandoned but rather grateful for she knew of the one-child policy in China, how it led to families being forced to give up their children, having to choose which child to give up for adoption in a society that has a preference for boys."

I hear that inhale, moving my thumb over the side of her finger, hearing her exhale, see that woman nod possibly at Jazmine and Ming, and she says, "And so I adopted Devorah Mei, my youngest daughter and my daughter's younger sister, a daughter I chose to name after my mother followed by the name given to her by her Chinese family, a daughter who could be my own because she looks white, but could have a Chinese father, common nowadays, and a daughter who is learning about her culture one book, one teacher, at a time, so as to make sure she knows the gestures, the customs, and when she's ready, one day, when she is a grown, wonderful, intelligent, capable woman, she can travel to China to find her birth family, which I have all information on, and can then give them, be it her birth parents or her brother, the opportunities she was given."

I exhale, knowing half of what she said is true, the other half is privileged truth, the truth that comes from having white privilege regardless of what religion they associate themselves with, and hear that voice say, "You know, Ms. Shagan, I'm sorry, can I say something?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, see that woman possibly smile at Jazmine, and hear that voice say, "Thank you for telling us all of that about you, how much of an awesome mom you are, but I just want to tell you, and you don't have to believe me, but when you said that it's not your responsibility to adopt anyone, and it's not, I know, you also said that black and brown people should adopt black and brown kids, but I think there's a reason they don't adopt those black and brown babies, little kids, and it's because they can't, most of the time, because they still live, a lot of the time, in places that are considered ghettos, with bad jobs because they dropped out of school because of so many reasons," and I hear Ming say, "Like getting pregnant," and I hear Jazmine say, "Yes, thank you Mimi, like getting pregnant really, really young, and then they have to make it out somehow, working bad jobs or trying to go back to school and still raising little kids, so they don't really have the opportunity to adopt other little kids, even kids that look like them, and don't get me started on what my mom says child services does," and I hear Ming say, "Oh yeah your mama said they check on black and Latina moms more than other groups, taking away their kids because they can't find a job," and I hear Jazmine say, "Exactly, and that's how little black and brown kids sometimes get put up for adoption, my teacher said in the richest nation in the world where those little kids and their moms were poor, so yes, I do think you're right Ms. Shagan, people that look like those little kids should be adopting them, maybe so that that little kid feels like they really belong there, in that family, but how are those adults, those black and brown communities supposed to do that, adopt kids, when they can't, and don't get me started on how hard it is for them to get from under that, the fact that mothers, specically black mothers, who are always trying to do the best for their kids," and I hear Ming say, "And still living with real, real shitty discrimination that exists everywhere, even when looking for work, help with taking care of their kids," and I hear Jazmine, "Yes, and looking for other help and," and hear I Ming say, "Oh and remember they're not looking for handouts either, just like help, nothing big, mean crayons and notebooks for their kids and shit," and I hear Jazmine say, "Yes, and that's all they want, just a little help, but."

I hear that exhale, knowing I'm dragging her out of here, taking her somewhere we can be alone, having her sit on my lap, grabbing that face and, and I hear her say, "But that's not your fault, none of that is, you're just one person, a very successful woman who owns a really big company that makes school supplies, a really good company that puts together a toy drive for Christmas every year and even donates some of the extra school supplies the company has left over, school supplies I guess you didn't sale and had extra of, and then you even gave out more school supplies for two months and," and I hear Ming say, "And those kids were so happy, even got letters from them and their parents 'bout those posters for a science fair they had, and then those other supplies too, like the notebooks and pencils and pens, so thank you," and I hear Jazmine say, "Yes, thanks Mimi for remembering all of that, and thank you for that Ms. Shagan, and I'm a little sorry for going off on a tangent, my best friend tells me I do that a lot, but I just wanted to say that there's a lot of reasons people do things and can't do things, like adopt little kids, little black and brown kids, but no matter what the fact that you adopted anyone is great, I know it is because people, women, that adopt anyone, a little kid or a teenager, to me are amazing, like my mom who gave me a sister, no matter what people say about us, just because we're the same age and aren't twins, I don't care, we're sisters, if they want to say we're twins, fine, I don't care, and thank you for telling us that you also did that, what my mom did for me and my sister, and I hope, because you sound like an awesome mom, that one day you do adopt more kids, maybe a little black or brown kid, if you want to, because I'm sure they'll appreciate it and love you for it even if you think they won't completely fit in because for sure they'll have two sisters they do fit in with and they'll find friends, like I did, that I fit in with, and," and I hear Ming say, "I love you Jazzy," and I hear Jazmine say, "I love you too Mimi, and thank you for your time Ms. Shagan, really, thank you for everything your company did with the toys and the school supplies, thank you for teaching us about some things we didn't know about, like your family, your father, your daughters that I'm sure are grateful that they got to be raised by family and a mom that cares so much about them that she teaches them about their culture, something I know is really important, and we hope your father's company keeps being really successful, and that you have a good afternoon."

I see her exhale, see her smile, and I exhale, possibly feeling my smile, and say, "Jazzy."

I see that face turn to me, see that tint over those thirty-three freckles I've counted several times in the last few weeks, not enough, but I know we have time, feeling my smirk, and say, "Let's go."

I see her nod with that smile, pulling her away from this place, walking towards that door, feeling her following me, finally, ready to be home, hearing the door open, and hear that woman say, "Mr. Martin."

I feel my eyebrow rise, possibly tired more so than annoyed.

I look over at Waldo, see him look back at that woman, nod, and hear her say, "I believe, I'm quite sure, that you weren't able to tell me all you wanted to say, because of some interruptions during your presentation and the strict time limit you respected, and so, if you can possibly elaborate, not on the number of families, the names, the ages of the children that received those donations, but specifically, if you can give details about which supplies were requested more of, since, it's possible, I'm quite sure it is, what with it being summer right now, that we have inventory that is not selling as fast as I would hope it would be, possibly even some that we have an overabundance of coming from overstock from the last semester of public schooling, so start there, with the supplies that were requested more of, trying to keep this presentation under ten minutes, and."

I see him nod, surprised, and hear that woman say, "I understand, as much as I have seen and have achieved, more so in my experience as a business woman, that I do not know everything there is to know, possibly why it is someone at your age, possibly living in the neighborhood you service, speaks as well as you do and more so, because speaking well can be mastered, why it is that you seem to have such an efficient memory when it comes to names and the faces associated with those names, something of a gift, and something I could possibly use in my business seeing as all three of my assistants are unqualified, possibly inept in many aspects, regardless of their accolades, when it comes to remembering names and faces, something extremely important when their main responsibility is setting up appointments, knowing who is waiting to see me and who should not be made to wait, how some appointments are quite literally more financially important to my company than others, something I have to constantly remind them of, something I do not have the patience nor the time for and why I let go of and hire new assistants every two months, but that is another topic and can be discussed at another time, for now, start with which supplies those children required more of, possibly, the weeks those specific supplies were requested by those children and their parents, that is, if your memory serves you well surprising me with such specific information."

I see his eyebrow rise, see him nod with his smirk, possibly seeing that confidence in his memory I know of but he doesn't get enough credit for, and hear that woman say, "And please everyone, sit down, the meeting is not over."

I feel that hand squeeze my hand, feel her pull me back, walking back to that damn chair that's too plush, feel her pull me down, and I sit down.

I look at that soft afro being held down by those two small braids that's looking up at Waldo as he starts, no longer caring why her warm soft hand has this power over me to make me sit down when what I wanted to do three minutes ago was have that soft hand move with me, put her over my shoulder, leave this place for a number of reasons, take her somewhere we can be alone, have her sit on my lap, and do much more to her, but I know we have time for that, as long as that warm soft hand continues to have that damn power over me, as I put my fingers through those long thin fingers, wanting that.


I exhale, hugging her, and say, "And next time we want you all there."

I hear them laugh, feeling the warm sun, smelling that braid, walking, hearing us all, the talking, the laughing, all this warmth and happiness, and hear her say, "Aww and you'll didn't record it?"

I exhale, feeling bad about it, what happened three days ago on Wednesday at Ms. Shagan's, and say, "I'm sorry Vicky, next time, promise."

I hear her laugh, opening my eyes to look over at her, putting my arm around those shoulders I love, walking, seeing her shake her head, looking forward, and she says, "No worries, you'll just keep him doing all that, keep going, cuz it makes him super happy and I want that a lot."

I exhale, feeling my smile, hoping for more of this, and hear that sweet deep voice I'm walking next to say, "And why ain't you hang out with us befor' today, like you don't like us and we hadn't even met you?"

I see Victoria smirk looking over at my sister, seeing those eyes I have never, ever seen, almost purple, a light purple, so, so pretty, reminding me of something my mom said once about an actress, I think an actress that played Cleopatra in a movie, Lisa Taylor, I think. No. What was her name?

I hear her telling us about her job, that ice cream shop she works at, how that's why she's been busy most of the summer, hearing them talking about ice cream now, thinking about ice cream, all those delicious, awesome, flavors that Tamera and Tia love and we take them to get whenever we can get away from the shelter without everyone else seeing us leaving, knowing my mom tells us to give Tamera and Tia special treats when we can, thinking about all of that, hearing my mom's warm voice telling us we need to do those things for them because Tamera and Tia think my sister and me are their big sisters, feeling happy, thinking about her voice talking about that movie about Cleopatra, feeling my eyes open, and say, "Elizabeth Taylor!"

I see Victoria look at me, see her roll her eyes, seeing her getting so red, seeing how pretty she looks with those black bouncy curls, reminding me of the finger coils my sister did on my hair for Huey and my first date, thinking about how long that took and how I haven't done it since, seeing Victoria's shiny dark skin, that dark skin that reminds me of pop's, how pretty she is, almost like she's one of those models from Africa with those high cheekbones under her eyes that make her look super cute, and then those eyes, those light purple eyes I have never, ever seen on anyone, I know it, like a light violet, seeing her pretty smile.

I see her exhale with her smile and she says, "Yeah, been told since I was a kid that my eyes remind people of her, and then they would ask me if I'm part white or something and I tell 'em you don't gotta be part white to have eyes with some color in them, like some of my family got my eyes, little darker, but still, and some even got greens, and I know it comes from my great, great grandparents that came from Africa, both my grandparents, and I gotta tell people colored eyes do come from Africa, don't gotta even look for it cuz I know there's lots of places in Africa that have people with colored eyes, but still, people always give me some shit 'bout how I gotta be part something else and I just tell 'em I'm black with family from Africa, shit, I know you go through that too."

I exhale, knowing I left my hair down I think because I woke up thinking about my grandma, didn't do anything with it, just left it down, all 'wild and sexy' my sister said, put on some sunblock, then we ate, and then we came out today, and now I'm so happy I left it down, feeling my smile, and say, "Yeah, people get confused with me, a lot, they always did."

I inhale, remembering, knowing those people, those racist kids were all dumb and ignorant, feeling her put that arm around me, seeing that small smile on Victoria, almost a little sad, and she says, "Yeah, think know what you're saying but you did tell 'em you just all black right?"

I feel my mouth open, feeling her hug me, walking, blinking, seeing that pretty raised eyebrow on Victoria, and hear that voice say, "Vicky, you just confused Jazzy cuz you're saying she all black but she's got a little white in her too."

I see that confused face on Victoria looking at Ming next to my sister, feeling my smile, and I can't help but start laughing, hearing my friends laughing, and hear Victoria say, "For real? Like how much white you got in you?"

I look up, feeling really confused, seeing her looking at me with that confused pretty face, and hear that voice say, "Well her mom is only part white and her other family is completely black so she's mostly black."

I exhale, happy Lauren answered because I didn't really want to talk about that side of my family yet, not right now, feeling that arm around my waist hugging me harder, seeing Victoria nod with that raised eyebrow looking at Lauren, and she says, "Well rule is when your daddy's black, you black, so Jazmine's black, even if she part white, and really it don't matter cuz all I see is hair and eyes that comes from Africa and then the rest that for sure gotta be black."

And now my face is red I think, trying to figure out why it is, seeing them all laughing, and hear that sweet deep voice whisper, "Tol' you sis, my black sis be wild and sexy."

I exhale, shaking my head at my silly friends, happy hearing them laughing, talking, feeling that warm sun, hearing Ming tell Victoria that we'll record the next time Waldo gives an awesome ten minute presentation to a big company, knowing this is where I want to be, walking with them, here, only thinking about this, about everything we've done, the museum, hanging out, being in Aunt Cookie's going through those boxes full of memories and love, helping at Caesar's shelter, visiting Huey's parents, hanging out with my sister and friends in Aunt Cookie's backyard, going to meet people at big companies where Caesar and Waldo gave amazing presentations, how because of that those companies now want to help the kids we're trying to help with donating school supplies, and now today, what we're doing today, knowing it's going to be an awesome day when we get there, even if it's perfect right now, looking forward again, and see it swaying.

And I don't know how it always does that so well without it being windy no matter where we are, feeling my smile, seeing that soft curly afro swaying back and forth, feeling my cheeks getting even redder thinking about it, that soft afro swaying.

I exhale, seeing it swaying, closing my eyes, feeling those kisses on my neck, knowing my body is so warm, almost hot, but I don't care, feeling everything, that weight on top of me, those hands over my shorts, those rough fingers I can feel on my sides because he said he was going to train with the guys while I hung out with my sister and friends today, I think because he wanted to let us all hang out after being at Ms. Shagan's company for over an hour.

And with the driving everything took almost three hours, so happy with today, feeling those kisses, remembering seeing the guys giving those awesome presentations, Waldo giving two presentations, feeling so happy to be part of such big things.

And I feel those hands on my hips now, those hands on top of my shorts squeezing my hips a little, remembering after Waldo was done Ms. Shagan said the biggest reason her company couldn't donate was because she didn't have time to go through her inventory to find out what could be donated. Then, feeling that bite on my neck, trying to not make a sound, feeling my smile, I remember Ms. Shagan said she would let us go through that inventory, something she hadn't offered to any other organization, to go through all those school supplies and pick out which ones we wanted to take so we could give to those little kids that needed them, and I think we all got up and started thanking her.

And I remember when we were all thanking her, seeing her smiling, I think a full smile, and she asked us if we had time that day she could take us down to the room where she kept that inventory. I exhale, feeling that weight on top of me, remembering all of us saying we had all day, well, me and Ming said it for everyone I think, and then we all followed Ms. Shagan down to the factory.

And on the way through the offices, down to the factory, she told us she was going to show us where they kept the school supplies they got back from the companies they sold them to, some because they weren't perfect, some because they didn't work. We walked through the factory, following Ms. Shagan, seeing the employees in the factory looking at us, I think surprised or maybe a little scared seeing Ms. Shagan walking through the factory, seeing them starting to work and not look up.

And I feel it right now, feeling those kisses on my neck, holding those broad shoulders, not knowing how I got this lucky, so, so lucky, seeing Ericka following us in the factory kind of far behind because she had those thigh high chunky heel boots over her jeans and she couldn't keep up with us, maybe because she was breaking them in that day. But I didn't understand why she'd wear those shoes and not just clean converse or flats, like me and Ming were wearing, pressing down on those muscles on his legs with my feet, shaking a little, opening my eyes to see him, and I see that afro, swaying a little, back and forth.

And I know I want to put my hands in that afro right now like I wanted to do all day today when we were at the factory, specially for some weird reason when we walked into that room, feeling my eyes open seeing all those boxes, so many boxes, hearing Ms. Shagan say we'd have to go through all the supplies in that room to see which supplies didn't work, hearing that monotone voice say 'even defective supplies would be appreciated by children that need them.' I looked over at him, saw those burgundies looking out into the room, I think counting the boxes, seeing that beautiful face counting those boxes, seeing that afro sway a little, wanting to touch it, knowing I couldn't because we were working and we were with other people, but we're not working right now and we're alone.

And I bring my hands up, putting them in that afro, feeling that hot soft afro in my hands, and feel those hard hips press down, in between my legs, feeling it there, that cock, and I inhale, I think saying his name.

I see that face come up from my neck, see those eyes, those dark auburns, and I feel him kiss me, covering my mouth I think, I don't know. What I do now is that after we got home from taking Waldo and Ericka home, we saw that my sister, Lauren, Riley, and Hiro were all here playing with the Xbox and they all said they got tired after spending time with kids at the courts that kept asking them to help them with their forms and shooting, so they came home to rest and wait for us, and when we saw them we all hugged, well, us girls hugged each other.

Then, after letting go of them, I felt those arms go around my waist, feeling him behind me, feeling my smile, and heard him say into my ear that he knows that even if Ming and Lauren have been staying with us since their parents left I probably still want to hang out with them and he'd be in the backyard training with the guys. I nodded and told him it was our night to make dinner, well, my sister, our friends, and my turn to make dinner, so we'd tell them when it was done, and then I felt him kiss my cheek, like right now.

I feel that kiss on my cheek, my forehead, those kisses that feel like a kind of heaven with no sound, just feeling lips kissing me because we can't make a sound, I think, all we can do is kiss, kiss in the morning when Aunt Cookie, Grandad, and my mom are all out walking and right now, at night, the first night we're kissing like this, I think because we really wanted this after today, after not kissing at night like this for so long, and because, I hope, he's happy.

But what I really, really want now, right now, after all these kisses, after not kissing him at night like this for so long, months I think, what I really want to do right now is to open my legs more, just a little more, and I open my legs a little.

I feel that cock over my shorts just a little more, between my vagina lips, and hear that groan, that groan I've heard in the morning when we're kissing, and I inhale, knowing, feeling him moving away, feeling those lips, that tongue, that chest, everything that belongs to me, moving away, all of it moving away, and I open my eyes.

And I see those eyes, see those pupils, knowing he's close, after doing this for minutes, maybe longer, maybe twenty minutes or half an hour, I don't know, I kind of lost track of time after I felt that cock there, over my shorts, moving over my vagina, knowing I'm wet, a little, maybe more than a little, but he's close, really close to coming I think, and I want to, god, Black Jesus, I want to, but.

I exhale, see him exhale, smelling that toothpaste I love, see him come down, and feel myself blink, seeing him stop, I think putting his forearms on the floor next to my shoulders, feeling that weight on top of me, and hear him whisper, "You're making this really, really hard Jazzy and."

I see him inhale, feeling my smile, and I finish for him, "We can't and really, I know you, I know you through and through Huey, and I know we both want to respect Aunt Cookie's house, and I'm okay, I'll just wait for you okay?"

I see those eyes blink and hear him say it, feeling my smile, and I say, "I love you too and try to come back fast because we still need to talk about how we're gonna help with all those school supplies, you know, checking which ones don't work and which ones do so we can give those out okay?"

I see that cute smirk in the dark, hoping maybe one day he sees how beautiful he is, and he says, "I should be back in less than three minutes after having my hands under that shirt and being," and I feel that push from those hard hips, inhale feeling that hard cock, for sure seeing that smirk now, and he says, "Where I haven't been in too long, right in between those legs baby."

I inhale, squeezing my legs a little, feeling him inhale, see that face come down, and feel him kiss me, kissing him back, feeling those rough hands on my face, and I think I hear him say, 'but I'm not done with you yet.'

And he wasn't done, kissing me, like that, with no sound, just soft, slow, seeing that afro swaying back and forth.

And we've been doing that, kissing like that every night since that night, since that Wednesday, three days ago, after we came home from meeting Ms. Shagan, kind of like we found this weird answer. No. It's not an answer because I know we still want more, for sure I want more, but it's kind of a. What's that word? That word my mom uses sometimes, seeing that soft afro swaying back and forth, walking, trying to think about that word my mom uses when she's talking about cases where both sides got a little of what each side wanted, like a, a, hearing Victoria say how cool it is that Ms. Shagan asked Waldo yesterday, the day it was his and Ericka's turn to go through the school supplies, if he could work for her a few hours a week helping her assistants with appointments, and Ms. Shagan will compensate him.

And I feel my smile remembering my mom's voice saying that word. Compromise. That's what Huey and I are doing. We're compromising with kissing like that every night, because I think we both want more, a lot more, but I know him through and through and I know me, and we both want to respect Aunt Cookie's house and really with everything we've been doing we're just too busy and it kind of feels like we're always with friends and family, having fun. And it's also Huey and I think because it's Aunt Cookie and he loves her so much he wants to respect what she asked us to do, that if we're going to be sleeping together in the living room and we're dating now to just respect her house, remembering that smile when she said that, not saying what she meant by respecting her house, but knowing.

And I love that about him, how respectful he is, how they raised him to be like that, as I'm seeing him walking with the guys, seeing how good he looks in that new shirt I got him yesterday, that black T-shirt with the 'No Justice' in the front and the Cross Colours inside the 'o' in the 'No,' not knowing why he looks so good in T-shirts, those straight fit style jeans, just a little baggy but not dragging at the bottom, and those black converse, hearing my sister and friends all talking about what they bought their boyfriends.

And I smile, remembering how much fun we had yesterday, doing something we hadn't done since we left Woodcrest, going to the mall, the guys coming this time, because we told them we needed to go get new stuff, like underwear, and then they all said we could go but they would come with us. And then we all went. They let us get the clothes we needed, underwear, and shirts and they even let us be alone, I think while they hung out at the arcade, Huey taking his book of course, while my sister, our friends, our mom, and Caesar's mom that still needed to buy some things to take to Jamaica, all went to Victoria's Secret.

And then, when the guys weren't looking because they thought we were still at Victoria's Secret, we left my mom and Caesar's mom there and went over to this store we saw in front of Victoria's Secret, this store with such an awesome name, 'Cross Colours,' where I wanted to get him something so he could wear today, my sister got Riley a red and white snapback with the store logo in the front, Ming got Caesar a short-sleeved yellow and navy blue striped rugby shirt, and Lauren got Hiro a multi colored striped tank top, feeling my eyebrow rise when Lauren was buying it, but seeing Hiro in it I can see he can really pull it off, and I hear Victoria say the last time Waldo wore a tank top was when they were in middle school and she wants to know how Lauren got Hiro to wear that shirt.

I feel my smile, looking over at Lauren, see those chocolate colored cheeks getting super red with her smile, hearing my sister and Ming laughing, see that smile on her, and she says, "So many cuddles and really, now, he basically does anything I want."

And now we're all laughing, hearing Victoria say in between laughing that Waldo's also been doing most of the things she's asked him to do, even trying out for the soccer team, since they met in sixth grade when she moved here from Georgia and moved into the apartment right next door to him.

I feel myself blink, hearing my sister and Ming say that's 'hella cute,' seeing Caesar up there in that cool rugby shirt Ming got him, remembering Caesar saying something about his friend, his friend who he went to high school with in ninth grade, seeing Waldo hit Caesar's back, remembering how rough guys are with each other, Waldo who Ming said went to high school with Caesar, Waldo who met Victoria in sixth grade when she moved into the apartment right next door to him.

I feel my eyes open, look over at Victoria, seeing her pretty smile, laughing with my sister and friends, and say, "Wait Vicky, did you and Waldo meet in middle school but you started dating in high school?"

I see her stop laughing, see her smile and nod, and hear that voice say, "Oh shit! Michael told me, you and Waldo met when you moved into his apartment next to him, then he walked you to your school for like two damn years and you never even noticed his ass was all in love with you 'til like high school, Michael saying Waldo was even late to school shit load o' times cuz he was walking you to school then running over to meet Michael at their school, Michael even leaving his ass few times cuz he couldn't be late to homeroom anymore or he'd get kicked out of the soccer team! Damn! Didn't Waldo almost get kicked out cuz he was late too many times?"

I see Victoria exhale with those pursed lips looking at Ming, almost looking embarrassed with those red cheeks, and she says, "Yeah, he got kicked out because of being late and when I found out I told him he couldn't do that shit anymore and he had to get back on the soccer team, I don't know, he had to go talk to the coach or something cuz I know being on the school team can help him get into college and I want him to go to college cuz."

I see her exhale and see her smile looking forward again, I think at Waldo who she said dressed up in that button up shirt today after she saw him in an old T-shirt and told him to go back into his apartment and change.

I exhale, feeling that warm sun, and hear Lauren say, "Earth to Vicky."

I see Victoria look over at Lauren with that surprised look, like we just caught her, hear us all start laughing, hearing Victoria laughing, and hear her say, "Sorry you'll, kinda do that sometimes, but yeah, told him to get back on the team cuz I want him to go to college cuz I just want us to, you know, get good jobs later, I don't know, get a nice house with a backyard for like two little kids, maybe, and."

I see Victoria exhale, see her smile, seeing those violet eyes shining looking forward, and she says, "And I mean I did have a little crush on him when I met him even if he thinks I didn't, just wasn't ready, and he waited, and when I was ready I told him I wanted him to be my boyfriend cuz I really, really liked him and he, you know, told me he'd been waiting for me and wanted that too, and then."

I see Victoria roll those violet eyes, see her exhale smirking at Waldo, and she says, "That boy told me he had asked my dad if he could be my boyfriend first week we moved here so we could be together right 'way, damn, he had already told half his school and my dad that he was gonna be my boyfriend and marry one day, and that's why I want us to have good jobs, and get a nice house, and go to college, cuz one day, I want that to happen, for us to get married."

I see her exhale with that small smile, for sure with those violet eyes shining looking at Waldo, and hear us all say, "Aww," and then hear us all start laughing, knowing this is an awesome day already.

I exhale, hearing my sister and friends talking, wanting to see him again, I look forward.

And I see him walking with the guys, seeing it, feeling my smile going away, hearing my sister say it, seeing them pulling up next to them, and I start running.

Faster Jazmine, faster.

I hear us running, seeing them pulling up to them, getting close to them, driving too slow, running to them, seeing that car get pull up next to them, seeing that face turn to look at that car, and I get to that black T-shirt, those broad shoulders, and I hug that body, hugging it really hard, hugging those sides and that chest, hearing him say my name.

And I see that white SUV with the blue line on the side and that name, that name in those red letters under that blue line, driving away.

CHICAGO POLICE

I exhale, hugging him, putting my face on that broad back, and hear that voice say, "Jazmine I told you to not," and I inhale, hugging him harder and I say, "That when that happens to stay away but I've heard too many things my mom said and how police always stop guys that are walking alone or with only guys, so no, if this happens and I'm around I'll always be right here, please?"

Please Huey, please.

I close my eyes, feeling those tears at the corners of my eyes, hearing my sister and friends talking to the guys, telling them about that police car, how worried they were, trying to not think too much about those things I know we all worry about so much, feeling so happy he's only gone out with me and I've been there, holding his hand, hugging him, touching him, when they pass by and start driving too slow, watching us, looking at him, and then looking at me, looking at me almost like they're mad that I'm there, and I stare back at them, afraid, but I stare back anyways, and then I see the police car drive away.

And I feel those hands on my hands, making my hands into those fists, and hear that monotone voice say, "The weather is too warm to walk like this, so."

I feel that body exhale and hear him say, "If you want, stay next to me, on my right, and if it happens again, you let me handle it, agree?"

I exhale and nod, knowing at least I'll be next to him, and I start letting go of him.

Then I feel those hands holding my fists pushing my fists down on to his stomach and I hear that monotone voice say, "The weather should be fine for another block before it's too warm."

I feel my smile and nod, walking with him, hearing everyone talking, feeling better hugging him, hoping he lets me hug him all the way there because he's Huey Freeman, he's black, and some police, a lot of police, won't care it's Huey Freeman, they'll only see a black guy walking down the street alone even if he's with other guys, then they'll ask him where he's going, he won't answer because it's Huey and he shouldn't have to because he's not doing anything wrong, and they'll arrest him, if he's lucky mom told us about our boyfriends, or if he's really lucky, we'll be next to them, because police won't do that when there's a girl next to them because that means we can say they've been with us for hours and we'll start recording everything, not wanting him or Riley or our friends to ever go through that, knowing to stay positive no matter what, knowing I'm not letting go of him until we get there if he lets me.


I grab the handle, feel that push from the other side, and I step back.

I hear that voice behind me apologize, hearing him excuse himself, watching him walking out of the building, and say, "Jazmine, we're here."

I feel those long arms letting go of me, knowing what's appropriate, feeling those arms letting go of me, feeling those arms on my sides now, and I grab that hand.

I step up, grab the door handle again, push it down, and pull on it, opening the door.

I walk in, mildly pulling her, because I'm selfish, I know the rules here, the amount of 'public affection' places like this one allow, but I don't want to let go of her hand.

I walk up to the counter, inhale, readying myself for today, feeling those long fingers going through my own, and see her look at us.

I feel her step up next to me, feeling that hip with my knuckles, seeing her roll her eyes, and I exhale, not caring.

I inhale, walking up, not wanting to deal with female drama today, trying to get to the point of why we're here, seeing her and the clerk behind the counter talking as I step up to the counter, and say, "Is there a room for us?"

I see the clerk look at me, see her exhale, possibly annoyed, not caring one damn bit, possibly because I do not want to deal with the one that's standing in front of her any more than I have to, and hear that voice next to me say, "Hello, I'm sorry for that. My name is Jazmine Dubois, this is Huey Freeman, these are our friends, and we're here with Ericka who said she called to ask for a room today, so I think there's a room saved for us, and we'd really appreciate it if you could show us where it is because our friends are carrying some heavy stuff, please?"

I see the clerk nod, see her look at Ericka, possibly back at Jazmine, see her smirk, and she says, "Tol' me you were all stuck up."

I hear that inhale, possibly from her, although I'm not looking at her or dealing with that female drama or her in general today, and hear another voice say, "Danielle, you work here now?"

I hear them talking, looking over at Jazmine, see her smile hearing Victoria talking about Jazmine and her friends, and I see Jazmine say, "Thanks Vicky, yes, we're visiting, trying to help out and Ericka said this is where we could set up."

I hear them all continue talking, Ming telling the clerk how many people will be in our group, one staying behind, and hear the clerk say, "Yeah, so I was telling Ericka before you'll got here that you're not on schedule for a room."

I exhale, knowing, and hear her say, "But Danielle I called and told them I needed a room, so just let us have one, we know you'll always got extra rooms that no one's using."

I exhale, irritated, feeling that hand squeeze my hand, trying to not be as irritated as I am, and hear Caesar say, "It ain't 'bout that Ericka, they could have extra rooms no one's using right now but people probably already asked for those rooms and they'll be showing up for them, so it isn't like they can just give us some room just cuz no once's using it right now."

I hear that exhale, not caring, the talking, the arguing, and hear Waldo ask Ericka when she called to reserve the room.

I look over at her, see her looking at Waldo, seeing that damn look, knowing this is not going to help the situation, and hear Victoria say, "Ericka, why you looking at my boyfriend like that, like making that face where you look like you 'bout to cry is gonna change shit? Just tell us when did you call?"

I exhale, irritated now, see her inhale, possibly mad that no one's falling for her tears, hearing the snickering from those three, my brother, Hiro, and Cindy, not helping the situation, and see her look at them.

I hear Cindy say, "Nah, you ain't looking over here like you mad just cuz you got caught probably callin' fucken yesterday, last fucken minute, and now there ain't no room to use, and all you had to do was call, and they brought everything else and you couldn't fucken do that so don't be looking just cuz you can't do your job."

And I see it, Ericka taking that step, feeling that hand let go, and see her step in front of her.

I feel my smirk seeing her in front of Ericka, shorter than Ericka by two and half inches, seeing Ericka inhale, leaning back, and hear that voice say, "No, you don't get near my sister or my friends and I don't care how mad you are right now, I don't, you start a fight here and they kick us out we'll still need to find a place to set up, and they probably won't be let in here ever again so I will put on the floor before that happens or before you touch her, now calm down because we still need you today."

I see Ericka look over that soft afro I haven't touched enough today and hear Cindy say, "Only reason I ain't doing shit right now is cuz my temper, I think, ain't as bad as it used to be, but you wanna get down, we can take care of that shit later today, when it don't affect my sister or my friend's work, got that, Ericka?"

I see Ericka exhale and hear that voice say, "Mimi, Laurie."

I hear them answer, see that soft blonde afro step up to the counter, possibly hearing Ming and Lauren step in between Cindy and Ericka, hear Jazmine exhale, and she says, "I'm sorry, I think we're just tired from walking here, but we promise nothing's going to happen here, promise. Now, is there anything you can give us, I don't know, just a table or a bench, that's all we need, just somewhere we can all talk and staple some papers together, please?"

I see the clerk nod, possibly smile at Jazmine, and she says, "Yeah, I'll try to help, specially cuz if anything happens here, like some fight, I get in trouble, so thanks."

I see Jazmine nod, see her smiling at the clerk, and hear Victoria say, "Danielle, how 'bout in the gym where they got the extra tables next to the bleachers, can we set up there? And if you can, can you just tell people if they come looking that that's where we'll be?"

I see that clerk nod at Victoria, see her stand up, see her turn to Ericka, and she says, "Ericka, we're cool at school but this my job, my job, so you do something to mess that up, starting some fight here, get me fired cuz, and promise we ain't cool no more."

I hear that exhale, see the clerk turn back to Jazmine and Victoria, smile at them, and she says, "Yeah, I can help you'll out and if you help me we can move the tables around so that you can put chairs around and set up laptops and whatever you'll brought, that cool?"

I see that blonde afro nod, hearing everyone thanking the clerk, see the clerk place a sign on her desk saying she'll be back, and see her walk around the desk.

We start following her, holding on to that hand, the one that's reminding me to focus on what matters and not trivial things like female drama, females as my brother would call them that I do not want to deal with, knowing we're leaving her here.


I exhale, hearing them talking about it, knowing it's not the best thing to do, it's not a good idea, I know it, and I say, "I don't think leaving Ericka here is a good idea."

I see them look at me and I look away.

I exhale, hearing the kids, feeling that soft, strong hand squeeze my hand, and hear Ming say, "Why not Jazzy? She been doing this longer than us, no matter how we feel 'bout personal shit, and she can handle staying here while we go out there."

I look over Ming, nod, and hear Ericka say, "It's cuz I need to be there, out there, to show people the orgs got 'least one real black girl and you'll know Victoria ain't part of the orgs like that, so it's gotta be me out there."

I exhale, hearing the inhales, the dribbling by the kids, knowing she's been bringing that up so much, and hear Caesar say, "I see, so in that case, since no girl, other than Vicky who you just gotta remind everyone ain't completely in the organizations only cuz she's too busy right now, is completely black, other than you, when we go out there it always gotta be you, Hu, Waldo, me, and Riley if he's here, but no one else matters, not really, cuz they're not black, even if to me, just to my ass, and I'm gonna apologize right now for saying it this way and you can take it like you will, but I couldn't give two flying fucks that Jazzy got white in her, she's been through her shit, shit I ain't gonna tell you 'bout outta respect for her, Cin been through her own shit too, shit you'll can't fucken imagine Ericka, and still she's here, and I ain't gotta tell you how brown and yellow has been discriminated here, but there here too, both Lauren and Hiro trying to help instead of letting us do it on our own, and you know I won't tell you shit about Ming cuz I'm done talking to you 'bout that, for good Ericka, I'm fucken done with you, cuz her being my girl ain't fucken changing, no matter how you don't like that she Chinese or whatever fucken problem you got, I don't fucken care."

I inhale, looking over at Caesar, see him exhale with Ming's hand on his shoulder, looking at Ericka, and he says, "So right now, when we go out there, alone, just us real blacks, door to door, going through black and brown neighborhoods, some we know ain't got one black, but poor Latinos, Asians, doing this, and we ain't got my brother there to tell us if they can speak Japanese or my girl who knows more Mandarin than you're ever gonna know, or Lauren who knows Spanish, think some Portuguese, and we stop at those houses and can't talk to them, can't help them, can't explain how we can help, why we're even fucken there, how the organizations can help them, why the organizations help black and brown brothers and sisters that get put in the fucken pen when they're as old as we are, coming out ten, twenty, forty years later, for crimes they didn't commit, how supporting Black Lives Matter can affect that, can help 'em, how the organizations are just a damn extension, just another hand, another helping hand for them 'long with all the other organizations we're connected to, when we can't explain all that shit to them, cuz none of us, maybe Hu, but I ain't bringing him into this mess, but none of us speak Japanese, Mandarin, or Spanish, so we won't be able to explain any of that or ask them the questions we're gonna be asking, all cuz only us real blacks went out there, so you can look at those families and tell them 'I'm sorry we can't help you, you can't join the cause, all cuz you're not real blacks, so we're gonna stay small, not creating enough waves, oh yeah and sorry you won't see your brother for 'nother twenty years cuz he robbed a liquor store, not for the money, but for the fucken bread they had behind the counter, and we can't help him cuz he's not black enough, he's brown, he's yellow, he poor as fuck, but he ain't black enough, have a nice fucken day'. And you can explain all that shit to them Ericka in whatever languages you know cuz you needed to be out there to show people that the organizations have at least one real black girl and like you said, Victoria ain't part of the organizations like that, so let's go handle."

I hear the dribbling from the little kids, hearing only that, I think hearing her exhale, and I look over at Ericka, hoping it doesn't get bad.

I see her inhale and hope, please, please Black Jesus, hearing the kids talking about a foul, see her exhale looking at Caesar, looking really mad, and she says, "You know Caes, since you left you been real fucken hard to deal with, don't know why cuz you still the same, just got another girl, and now you're even coming at me like that, like we didn't work together before all this, talking to me like I'm a kid, like I don't know these things, that I don't know those languages, when all I'm just saying is that there has to be at least one girl that our community sees that looks like them so they want help from us, and that can't happen if they only see other girls, mix, Asian, whatever, because then our community won't wanna get help from us, and that's who matters, our community, even the brown community, fine, so we can take whoever knows Spanish and even Japanese cuz I know there's a lot that live 'round here, cuz that's all that needs to be here, us, and them two."

I exhale, knowing she has a point, she does, they need them to talk to people that speak Spanish and Japanese and Chinese and don't speak English well, I know it, and I hear that voice say, "I've heard this before, I don't care for it, Jazmine."

I look over at him, see those burgundies looking at me, see him inhale, I think seeing that little cute smirk, and he says, "Why don't you think leaving," I see him exhale and he says, "Ericka here is a good idea?"

I exhale, nod, and I look back down at the clipboard.

I see those questions, hearing the kids, the little kids playing basketball in the back, and say, "Because Ericka lives here, the people know her, they see her here, and I'm sure she's talked to them before, not just the families the organizations have helped, but more people that have maybe asked about the organizations, that's why I said it wouldn't be a good idea to leave her here, because she should be out there with you, and that's why I think."

I exhale, looking at all those questions, knowing maybe for now, even if I really want to go, really, really want to go, this is the best thing to do for the community, the big whole community of black and brown people and poor people, everyone that needs help, and I say, "The person that stays behind should be someone that can't really help, doesn't know as many languages as everyone else, even."

I inhale, looking up, remembering Caesar just defended me saying that I am part white but I've been through stuff, the times he's said that in school, that I put my time in already, maybe because Huey or Ming told him of all the bullying I went through, or just because he thinks I'm black, seeing Ericka looking at me like that, squinting at me, remembering those emails and the calls where we talked, how cold she was even then but at least she was respectful, how she didn't warm up to me even then, maybe never will, and I say, "Even if I know what I am, I'm black, part white, and will never be ashamed of that like other people I've known that were dumb and ignorant, people that were completely black and ashamed of being black, and made me ashamed of them, so."

I see Ericka's eyebrow rise and I say, "You don't have to like me Ericka, you probably never will, but I don't care and the only reason I said you should be the one that goes out there is because you know the people here and hopefully that will make them feel comfortable talking to you all, and I should stay because I don't know this place like you, and my friends should go because they speak differently languages and with how warm they are I know people will talk to them."

And I hear those 'no's' and curses and then how Jazzy I am and to be serious about this, hearing someone say that was a foul and then curse.

I exhale, looking back down at the clipboard, the different questions, knowing where we are, hearing the kids, the dribbling we've been hearing since we got here, and say, "Everyone, you all know this is a public place, I don't wanna talk about things that we all know can't happen at a place like this, they can't, and I have my phone, and I will call if anything happens, and remember my mom is taking care of that, so."

I hear those exhales, not hearing anything, I think because they're letting me talk, and say, "So please, you're all part of the organizations or can really, really help today, and someone needs to stay here, in this gym, for the next few hours like we said on the platforms we would be, inside this community center where there's cameras and adults and kids all over the place, kids in the same room, so please go, and I don't want anyone staying with me, no one because you all need to take care of the guys, please, please, please take care of them."

I inhale, seeing my eyes getting blurry, trying to relax, hearing the kids, the little kids, feeling my smile, feeling that squeeze in my hand, and hear that voice say, "Jazmine, no."

I inhale, look over at him, see those burgundies looking at me like that, like I'm special, feeling my small smile, sniffling, and say, "Please, everything is okay right now, you know that, please, so just go, and trust me."

I see him exhale, knowing he's thinking, thinking with that warm brain, and hear that voice say, "Think maybe, I'ma stay to play ball cuz these kids don't know and Young Reezy gotta teach 'em."

I see those eyes look over at Riley, see him exhale, and hear that sweet deep voice next to me say, "That means I gotta stay to help cuz Riles good with little ones but real little ones not the ones here so I'ma stay and you can't tell me to go sis or all I'ma do is worry, and this way, if Riles and me are here, none of them will worry cuz they'll know we'll kill anyone before they touch you, so let us, 'kay?"

I exhale, looking down at the hand that's still holding my hand, seeing her hand in my hand, feeling my smile, knowing at least this way they can focus, Huey can focus, and next time I'm making them all go, nod, and say, "Okay."

And I hear them exhale, hearing one chair moving, probably because she wants to leave right away, knowing this is a good idea, I know it, hearing everyone getting up slower, and hear that whisper in my ear, "Fine, but you're getting punished tonight."

I exhale, feeling my smile, knowing my friends will take care of him, and say, "I hope so," and I feel that kiss on my cheek from him, hearing her telling everyone to hurry.

Black Jesus please take care of them out there, help her be nice to people they talk to, and maybe, after all of that, if you can, please, help them have fun.


I exhale, seeing them playing, seeing them having fun, feeling my smile, and I look down at papers again.

I grab the first paper, the flyer from the community center that Danielle gave us so we could staple with the other papers, giggling, remembering Huey rolling his eyes, annoyed I think, when everyone got there this morning, and Caesar and Waldo told us that this is where we were going to meet Ericka. And then how cute it was when he exhaled and said he knew Ericka used this place to meet people that wanted information on the organizations and programs the organizations knew about but why did she have to pick a place that was 'so government-funded and more than likely has surveillance in every damn corner,' making us all laugh.

I feel my smile remembering after we had that good laugh I told him that it kind of made sense for Ericka, who is a girl, to meet people here in such a public place, no matter how real his paranoia of the government infiltrating our lives is, because there are cameras in every room here and what matters is that Ericka is safe meeting people for the organizations, hearing my sister and friends say I was right, and then he squeezed my side and he said we needed to leave to meet Waldo and Victoria on the way here and because I had wanted to walk here we needed to leave soon.

I exhale, stapling the papers, remembering they're all carrying these packets to give them out and holding those clipboards to write down the answers to the questions we talked about. Those questions about what kind of programs they need, what kind of services they need that those programs don't give them, and then all the questions on what kind of legal problems they have, why they have those legal problems, if it was because they were black or brown or poor or live in poor neighborhoods. So many questions.

I inhale, knowing my friends, my boyfriend, all of them, are so amazing, and I hear, "That's it Max, one more man!"

I look up and start laughing seeing them, how much fun they're having, seeing my pretty sister laughing at Riley holding that little kid on this shoulders, not knowing Riley was so good with little kids. And I see those two boys walking over here, feeling my smile get bigger, seeing them looking kind of tired I think from the last game where they got all those points, and see the older one sit down.

I look down at the packet, staple it, and say, "You two having fun?"

I hear them exhale, putting the stapled packet on top of the other stapled packets, happy so many people already came today, getting to meet them, talking to them about the programs in the packets, and seeing how happy they were that they knew there were more people that were part of the organizations. I even got to them about everyone that was out giving out these packets and asking questions that could help the organizations help the people more, we hope. And then I got to see how happy they were when I told them about those questions, specially the little girls that asked me if I lived here and my sister told them we don't but we visit every year and I saw those little girls get a little sad but then smile when my sister told them we would for sure visit next year.

And some of those little kids even asked their parents if they could stay, like the two boys here, sitting down, looking at me.

I see the one that said he's older by two months smirk and he says, "Yeah, it's cool. So can I take you out, you know, to get some pizza and take you watch a movie?"

I exhale, feeling my smile at how cute he is, see him exhale, and I say, "Isaiah I told you I have a boyfriend and you're like twelve years old so shouldn't you maybe be asking a girl your age on a date?"

I see him inhale, I think sitting up straight, making me giggle, and he says, "Tol' you, thirteen in November so I can ask you out and I just."

I see him exhale, see him look down, I think at the papers, and he says, "Think you're real nice so just wanna take you out, get pizza, 'on't know."

I exhale, knowing he's been sweet and cute this whole time, coming to check on me to ask me if I needed water before he left with his friend to the vending machines that are next to Danielle's check-in desk, and I say, "Thank you, I think you're nice too but," and I hear another voice say, "Um Jazmine, you'll."

I look over at him, his friend who's also been really nice, quieter but nice, see him looking at one of the open packets, reading it, and he says, "You'll know if that's only place they do math class?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, look down at the paper he's looking at, and see the paper on the math tutoring they're going to start having at that high school in September when regular school starts, the high school Victoria goes to and donated these flyers to the organizations so we could pass them out.

I inhale, knowing I was really happy when I saw those flyers but wondered if there were any middle schools that were also giving out free tutoring for students when school started, and say, "This is the only flyer we have for math tutoring but I know there has to be other schools, middle schools and other high schools that give out math tutoring to students, and hopefully next week we'll get more when we do some research this week on it, promise."

I exhale, knowing I'm looking into this tonight for sure, knowing our community needs more math and science tutoring and there has to be other schools here, other places that give them out for free, or I'm going to complain to someone, and hear that voice say, "'Kay, thanks, I guess."

I look over at him, see him exhale looking at that paper, and hear Isaiah say, "Cash man, tol' you to just put whatever cuz they 'on't even check 'em."

I feel my eyebrow rise, seeing Cassius exhale, see him nod, and I say, "Okay, I want to know what you two are talking about."

I see Cassius nod and hear Isaiah say, "Nah, it's cool."

I inhale, seeing Cassius look away towards the courts, hearing the kids playing, the dribbling again, Riley telling the kids he knows they can do it and to try again, knowing Riley's really smart and good with kids, I know it, hoping I'm a little like him because I look up to him a lot, and say, "Cassius, I wanna help, so please let me help, please?"

I see him exhale, nod, and see him look down at that flyer with the math tutoring class and he says, "Just didn't pass math last year, gotta do this homework got from my teacher and she said if I do it and she ask me 'bout it when school starts and I show her I did it then I'll pass but can't do it cuz it's too hard."

I exhale and hear Isaiah say, "Tol' him it's cool cuz math stupid anyways and I ain't pass either."

I inhale, looking over at Isaiah, see him looking towards the courts, and I ask, "What math is it?"

I see Isaiah inhale, not answering me, maybe embarrassed I think, and hear Cassius say, "Pre-Algebra."

I see Isaiah exhale and hear him say, "Tol' you Cash, it's stupid."

I exhale and say, "Where is it?"

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Where's what?"

I exhale and hear Cassius say, "You mean homework, it's in my backpack."

I look over at Cassius, see him turn back, lean over to grab his backpack he left here so I could take care of it while they played, hearing Isaiah asking Cassius if he really brought it, and I see Cassius put his backpack on his lap, unzip it, and take out a stapled packet of papers.

I see him hand it to me and I put down the packet I was holding, grab the one from Cassius, and start going through the pages.

I exhale seeing the long multiplication on the first page, then some pages asking to answer questions about what variables, integers, fractions, square roots, and one-step equations are, and I inhale, seeing questions on what linear equations are. I go to the next page, then the page after that, then the page after, seeing all those problems with integers, then fractions, then square roots, and ending with linear equations using variables and decimals.

I exhale, knowing I remember all of this but I'll need help from Huey or someone that's good with math, maybe, and I hear that voice say, "Aww that looks nasty."

I look up, smile at her cute face that looks grossed out and scared looking at the papers in my hands, and hear Isaiah say, "Tol' you Cash, it's stupid and hard and I ain't doing it."

I see my sister's pretty face look up at Isaiah, see that smirk, and she says, "Sounds like a pussy thing to say."

I hear Isaiah inhale and see my sister say, "Nah Isaiah I ain't say you a pussy so don't get all pissed off just cuz I said that sounds like a pussy thing to say cuz it is when you saying you don't wanna do some'ng just cuz you think it's hard cuz for sure if I learned anything from my homies back home is to not do dumb things, stay in school, not mess up my balling doing things I shouldn't be doing, and that messing up in school will mess up everything I gots going on, everything, cuz I know you only get drafted from college and can't make it there with messed up grades no matter how good I ball, no way, college don't want dummies, so ain't happening, damn, and I 'on't like math and I can't help your butts on this but my sis can."

I feel my eyebrow rise, see her look at me, see that pretty smirk, and she says, "Don't be acting like you can't sis, you knows you good at this, and if you ain't you always figure it out."

And I exhale, seeing her smirk at the boys, and I see her turn around and start walking back to the court.

I exhale, looking back at the first page of the packet, the long multiplication, and say, "I can try, if you," and I hear Isaiah say, "I wanna."

I look up at him, feeling my eyebrow rise, see him exhale looking at the packet I'm holding, and he says, "Wanna make money one day, get my mom outta here, and I gotta make it big, gotta make it to NBA, college guess, so you'll wait for me to go home, get mine, and come back?"

I feel my smile and hear Cassius say, "Wan' me to go?"

I look over at Cassius, see that worried look looking at Isaiah, feeling my other eyebrow rise, confused, and hear Isaiah say, "Nah man, you know live two blocks down, just don't start, and I know, don't run, just walk fast and shit, just wait."

I inhale, look over at Isaiah, seeing him standing up, and I say, "Wait, Isaiah," and I hear him say, "Nah, be back."

I see him running off to the doors of the gym, feeling confused, and hear Cassius say, "Don't worry Jazmine."

I look over at him, see him looking at me with that cute fade, those light brown eyes, that cute smirk, and he says, "Just popo."

I inhale, see his smirk get bigger, cuter kind of, and he says, "Just know ain't suppose' be runnin', you knows, just walk."

I exhale, knowing, feeling happy he's here, hoping Isaiah comes back in ten minutes or I'm going to go look for himself myself.


I exhale, seeing those packets, both of them closed with two of those pages filled out after we went over those long multiplication problems, not knowing why a teacher would make them do so many, so many we had to use some of the flyers so they could write-out the problem, and then write just the right answer on the answer page, remembering that we still need to staple the flyers with all those long problems to the back of the packet, feeling my smile, and I look up.

I see Cassius moving like that, almost like a butterfly, and then jump, jump, and make that three pointer, stinging like a bee, almost like a boxer but one that's playing basketball right now, and see that hand hit his back, Isaiah's hand, wondering if that's when guys start doing that, when they're still boys at twelve or thirteen years old, hitting each other's backs like that, so rough.

And I see my sister hug Cassius, feeling my smile get bigger seeing Riley walking over to her holding one of the little kids, wondering how many little kids Riley and my sister will have. Okay Jazmine, going way out there again. What was I doing? Oh yeah.

I look back down at the packets, grab them, putting the flyers with their work behind each packet, stapling the papers now just in case we forget later, and hear a chair move.

I look up, feeling my smile knowing someone else came, and I feel my eyes open seeing her.

I see the brown silk scarf wrapped around her head and the black and white soft afro sticking out in the front, not knowing how pretty it could be with white in it maybe because my grandma's hair is so light it's hard to tell it has grays in it, and most women I know, even Aunt Cookie I think, dye their hair, but I don't think this lady dyes her hair.

I exhale, feeling my smile, seeing that pretty scarf, her hair with those grays in it, her light brown skin and brown eyes, and I feel my smile dropping seeing that her eyes look red because of the red lines in the white part of her eyes, seeing the bags under her eyes, the yellow skin Mrs. Winters said isn't healthy and can happen to older people when they don't eat good, and I see her exhale, knowing I'm here to help, I am, and I force myself to smile again, and say, "Hello ma'am, how can AFRO and BRUH help you today? We have packets with flyers from places that give services for families that need babysitting, clinics that give free," and she says, "Can you'll help me find a job?"

I exhale, looking down at the packets in front of me, knowing there isn't anything there about jobs, just services for families, churches that give food and clothes after their services, schools that give tutoring to their students and adults, schools that even give free English classes to adults, clinics that give services like free birth control and checkups for little kids, shelters where people can stay if they need somewhere to sleep where they're safe from drugs.

The shelter.

I feel my eyes open, putting Isaiah and Cassius's homework packets at the corner, grab one of the packets with the flyers, and start going through the pages, looking for it.

I exhale, going through the flyers, trying to find it, and I find it.

I look up at her, seeing her blink I think tired, and I say, "Yes, there's a shelter that's in the next city where they need a manager and," and she exhales and says, "There a lot walking there?"

I look down at the flyer, seeing everything they're looking for, someone that can open the store in the morning, someone that's fast on the floor, someone that has good people skills and can keep track of time schedules for many people, a floor manager for the shelter we've helped out those times when they've had those meetings and Caesar and Huey helped retraining the employees, how much work it probably is going to be for a floor manager when they get one, how much running around there is there for everyone, and I look up at her.

I see her inhale, see her exhale, and I say, "Yes, I think so, because it's a manager for the people on the floor of the store at the shelter but," and I see her exhale, see her stand up, and she says, "If that's all you'll got then can't help me neither."

I see her turn around, seeing her walking away.

Jazmine get up. Get up! Now!

I get up, running over to her, and get in front of her.

I see her look at me with her raised eyebrow, up close, smelling I think cigarette knowing that smell, not knowing how I know it, but knowing I do know it, and I say, "Please let me help you, let me try, please?"

I see her exhale, seeing that brown pretty scarf around her head, knowing now there's a knot at the back of her head by her neck, see her exhale, for sure smelling the cigarette now, and she says, "Look child if you'll don't have a job where I ain't standing all day long, something every time I work I gotta do and I tell 'em I can't do with how tired I get, how my chest hurts most days, then you'll can't help me, but thank you for tryin'."

I see her nod, see her walk around me, and I turn around, looking at her walking away.

I exhale, seeing her walking away slowly, not knowing why, but knowing I don't want her to go, I think because of how my mom doesn't turn people away at work, she helps them even if it's with free legal advice if her job doesn't let her represent the person anymore because they're not paying anymore, remembering Lawrence saying they let my mom do that because her job knows she's a really good attorney and they don't want her to leave if she's not happy, because she makes her clients happy, she makes people happy, like she makes me happy with little things like when she gets my sister and me water when we're studying, seeing her walking away, and I hear myself say, "Can I at least get you some water before you go, please?"

I see her stop, see her shoulders come down at little, and see her nod.

I feel my smile, walk up to her, see her exhale looking forward, and I say, "Please sit down ma'am. I promise I'll be right back."

I see her exhale and I feel for my pocket, feeling my phone, and I start walking to the doors, to get to those vending machines that sale water bottles.


I come back with the water, look over at them, see them looking at me, smile at them, and see my sister smirk and kiss Riley. I feel my smile, seeing Riley roll his eyes and smirk, knowing they were both worried I left without telling them but at least I texted them on the way to the vending machines.

I look over at the table, see that lady, feeling happy she's still here, and I walk over to her.

I get to the table, putting the bottle down in front of her, see her look up at me, see her nod with the small smile, and I exhale, happy I helped her at least a little.

I walk over to the chair, sit down, hearing her taking that drink, and I look down at the packets, the packets with all those flyers, and I exhale, grabbing the packets, straightening them out, and hear her say, "Thank you child, was nice of you."

I look up, see her putting down the water bottle on the table, smile at her, and I say, "You welcome but I just really wish there was more we."

I exhale, not wanting to sound like that, like she needs help that much, knowing she's an adult and I need to respect her, seeing her small smile, and she says, "I understand, I do, ain't easy finding a job for someone that can't be walking like a young one no more, not cuz I'm old, lord knows I'm not old, just have health problems, problems they keep tellin' me could stop if I stop smoking but that's the only thing I can do for my stress, and it all."

I see her exhale, I think tired, and she says, "Just seems hard at times, specially with tryin' to get a job using the computer now when I rather just fill out an application instead of going to the library, tryin' to apply for jobs on the computer, that just takes time, and I don't got time for that, tryin' to stay on the right path, not drinking no more, been little over forty five days now, and all that takes God and hard work, going to places to get help, and."

I see her inhale, see her exhale, and see her grab the bottle again.

I feel my smile, seeing her drinking, and I look down at the papers, trying to see if there's something I can find, anything, a job, anything, but a job, not a handout, not anything for free, a job, just helping her find a job, and I hear her say, "And my boy who should be helpin', God knows should be, ain't helping me, just making my head hurt with him comin' and goin' like he damn pleases, like he ain't got no morals, and I know he ain't doing nothing else like before but nothing else changed and all I want help with is those applications some offices tol' me to send by email they said, something I'm still learning to do, and just need help with that."

I look up from the papers, feeling my smile, seeing her exhale, and I say, "If you have the names of the companies or the offices you talked to, I can help you."

I see her eyebrow rise, see her smile, seeing the yellow teeth, I think smoker's teeth, hoping I can help her with more, anything more, and she says, "Well, that would be nice, please if you can, but you gonna have to give me few minutes cuz seeing as I forgot some gum and need to have my smoke before we," and I look down, bringing it out, putting it down on the table, and I say, "Please ma'am, it's strawberry flavor gum and take as much as you want while I start getting ready."

I look under the table, grabbing my backpack, bringing it up, unzipping it, and I take out my laptop.

I put my laptop on the table, open it, and enter my password into my laptop, so happy I brought my laptop.

I look back down at my backpack, sticking my hand in it, and bring out the power cord.

I plug the power cord to the wall where Danielle said, go back to my laptop, connect the power cord to the side, and I look up at her, seeing her big smile, and she says, "There's 'bout three offices I remember right now."

I feel my smile and say, "Well if you don't remember the name of more I can try to look them up if you can try to remember what streets they were on."


I press send, feeling my smirk, and say, "Okay Ms. Lydia, are there anymore?"

I look over at her, see her smile, chewing that gum, and she says, "Well the other ones, don't want to work there so only these, but you're not tired typing that much, that fast?"

I exhale, feeling my cheeks getting a little red, knowing I was only typing fast to keep up with everything she was telling me, her name, her address, all her basic information, and then the answers she gave me when I asked her the questions on the applications, happy my sister came to help people whenever they would show up to ask about programs or the organizations, some people even filling out the forms with the questions Huey and everyone is asking today, knowing everyone must be tired, my boyfriend and friends from walking around out there all day, my sister and Riley from playing with all the kids here and helping with answering questions for people, and I guess I'm a little tired too.

I shake my head and say, "I'm only a little tired but I still want to help you apply to more places, maybe more nursing homes because they're so great to work at."

I see her exhale with her smile and she says, "I never worked at one of them nursing homes but if you say they get people in their kitchen that don't need experience doing that and there ain't much walking cuz volunteers take food to the people that stay there then that sounds like a good place for me."

I exhale, hoping one of those nursing homes calls her, seeing how nice she is, how much she's worked, a lot of jobs, how much she's always, always worked, and she says, "Well, now that that's all said and done, can I ask a question?"

I feel my smile, nod, see her smile get bigger, and she says, "Where'd you get that pretty bracelet?"

I feel my eyebrow rise and look down at it, feeling my smile coming back.

I feel the leather around my wrist, see the green pretty stone shinning because I cleaned it this morning when I took it out of my luggage, the thin green leather that starts and finishes at the green stone and goes all around on top of the brown leather. And then there's the handkerchief we're all wearing today, even my sister, a green one I wrapped around my wrist under my bracelet, my sister wrapped her light blue one on her wrist, Ming has her red one, and Lauren has her purple one, all of use wearing one, not sure why I picked this one at the mall, this green one, when I like pink more but I think I did it because it matched the stone on this bracelet.

I exhale, seeing the bracelet I got for my birthday on top of that green handkerchief, look up at her, see her smiling at me, and I say, "Thank you Ms. Lydia, I think it's really pretty too and I really love it and my friend got it for me, I don't know from where but she said all of it is real, the leather too even if I'm kind of not okay with that because it's murder to kill animals but I guess I wasn't thinking about that when she gave it to me, and she said the stone's from Africa, somewhere I want to go one day, so much, one day, but for now I have this, and I can ask her where she got it from if you want me to."

I see her exhale, see her small smile, see her look down at my bracelet again, I think, seeing her blink, and she says, "I wanted to go there too, Africa, when I was younger, maybe 'bout as old as you."

I see her inhale, see her exhale, and she says, "Teachers in school would tell us 'bout it, my mother, God rest her soul, would tell us to go, see it for ourselves since she could never go, said we could take a plane there, but I never did, my brothers all died too young to see it too, never even tried, and I just."

I see her exhale, see her blink, and she says, "Never had the money, too many problems with my brothers dying, needed to work, and then God sending me a child when I was 'bout your age and couldn't go after that, but."

I exhale, seeing her chewing, seeing her small smile, looking at my bracelet, and she says, "Kept one of them history books from school before I left to have my boy and I have that book still, one where they have the map of Africa, and that's how I knew God wanted me to name my boy after somewhere there, and I picked one that day he was born."

I feel my smile knowing that's a really cool, almost sweet, way to name a son or a daughter, picking a name from a country you want to visit one day.

I see her look up at me, see her smile, and see her start coughing, coughing a lot.

I bring out my handkerchief, giving it to her, see her nod, taking it, and putting it over her mouth.

I see her take a drink of that water bottle, remembering she said she smokes, she said she gets tired I think a lot, her chest hurts sometimes, she has health problems and they, maybe doctors, told her to stop smoking but she does it, she smokes, because she's stressed, and she doesn't drink, I think she meant alcohol, she's trying to stay on the right path, but it's a lot of hard work, and she's tired and stressed, seeing her exhale and taking out a stick of gum, wanting to help more, a little more, and I hear myself say, "Can I help you with anything else, anything else Ms. Lydia, please?"

I see her smile with her pretty smile, her dark brown eyes inside the red, her light brown skin I can see where it's not yellow, and she says, "Well, you keep asking I keep wanting for you to help me but only thing that still don't know what to do about, the thing the doctors keep telling me to stop, just can't, lord knows I've tried, but I can't, is the smoking."

I feel my face drop, not knowing what to say to that, seeing her smiling at me, and I say, "I know about clinics where you can see a doctor but," and I see her shake her head and she says, "No child, I know what they're all gonna say, for me to stop, just stop, try some gum, some other kind of smoking when all that cost more than my cigarettes, money I can't afford to waste on those things, like I tol' that that doctor and that nurse, and I tol' them I already go to those meetings to stop drinking, to change my life, and asked them if they have meetings for that, for my smoking, and they said I had to look that up, and I just gave up, but don't you worry 'bout that, been living like this thirty something years now and I'm sure the lord will take me when it's His time."

I exhale, not knowing why that sounds so sad, like she's given up on not smoking when doctors have told her that she needs to stop, knowing if she's strong enough to not drink, something that Huey's told me is really hard for some people, people that are really trying that have to go to those meetings to stop drinking, those meetings, those meetings Huey says they can find online, like the meetings the doctors told her she had to look up on her own, not even helping her, feelings my eyes get big, and I say, "Can I look them up for you, those meetings, the ones to help you stop smoking, please?"

I see her exhale with her smile, chewing that gum, see her nod, and she says, "Can you write it down for me, the places they have those meetings, times too?"

I feel my smile, looking back at the screen, opening a blank word sheet like my mom said when you're writing down a schedule, making it into a list, first the day, then the time, then the address, hoping I'm doing this right, knowing the ones I've seen Huey do for schedules for the shelter have a lot more, like names of people, goals, stuff like that, but all she wants to know, hearing her tell me, is the day of the week they have those meetings, the time, the address, and I say, "Yes Ms. Lydia and because I want you to be able to read it and my writing isn't very neat I'm going to print it in the front when we're done okay?"

I hear her laugh, looking up, feeling my smile, seeing her laughing like that, with that big smile, and she says, "That's just find child."

I nod, looking back down at screen again, opening a website to look up 'meetings to stop smoking' hoping I find some meetings that can help her, feeling that hope, please Black Jesus, that there's going to be lots of meetings where she can go.


I exhale, seeing what I wrote down, two meetings every day, one close by that she said she can walk to if she's not too tired, another meeting that's a little farther away but she said she can take the bus to, meetings to help people stop smoking, and I save the file, attaching it to the email, pressing send to send it to both emails, and I say, "Okay Ms. Lydia, I'm sending this file with the meetings to the front and to the email address I made for you, please don't forget your email and your password, and I'll be right back okay?"

I hear her say, "That's just fine, I'll wait here."

I nod, get up, and start walking, and I remember, taking out my phone.

I type it out.

Me: Front desk. Be right back.

I send the text to my sister, put my phone back in my pocket, and I walk up to the doors, going out, walking down the hallway, watching the little kids running in, hearing them talking about my sister, how awesome she is, how fast she is, how funny Riley is, a girl saying how cute Escobar is and how she's going to call him that, shaking my head at how cute they are, all of them ten to thirteen years old after the little kids left my sister said, and I start walking faster, getting to that desk, happy to see that cute short hair, a cute dark bob, getting to her, and I stand in front of her desk.

I see her look up at me, see her smile, and she says, "Just got an email with a file from an email that has your name. You want me to print it?"

I feel my smile and say, "Yes please, let me get the money."

I grab my wallet from my pocket, opening it, see the dollar, and hear her say, "Jazmine don't worry, just one page."

I take out the dollar, look up at Danielle, feeling my smirk, seeing her at the printer, entering numbers on the screen in front of it, and I say, "Danielle, please take it and donate it to the community center because it's really nice here."

I see her giggle, seeing her looking down at the screen on the printer, hearing it printing, and she says, "Okay, will do that, but for reals, you don't have," and I hear a voice say, "Won't listen so let her."

I see that bob haircut look back at me, see her look behind me, knowing that voice, and I put the dollar down on her desk and say, "Danielle?"

I see her look at me, see her small smile, see her turn back to the printer, grabbing the paper, and hear him say my name.

I see her turn to me, giving me the paper, smile at her, and I say, "Thanks Danielle."

I turn down the hallway and start walking back to the gym.

I exhale, hearing him, and I say, "Don't follow me."

I hear him walk up, next to me now, and hear him say, "Just haven't talked to you, and been, just, making sure you cool."

I feel my eyebrow rise, seeing we're getting to the doors, and say, "Okay, yes, I'm cool, I guess, I hope you are too, enjoy your vacation, and know that my sister and Riley are in that gym."

I feel that hand grab my arm, exhale, closing my eyes, trying to not make a scene here, here where if anything happens we could get kicked out and we need this place to meet with people looking for the organizations, and I say, "Don't touch me, please."

I hear him exhale, feeling him letting go of me, and I open my eyes, walking again, hearing him next to me, getting to the doors, and hear him say, "Just."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Missed you and tryin' to take care of you."

I exhale and say, "Don't."

I hear him inhale, passing the doors, seeing her there, feeling happy, and hear him say, "Jazzy, you being followed, just," and I say, "No, I don't care, please, no more."

I keep walking to that brown pretty scarf, that knot at the back of her head by her neck, hearing my sister I think telling the kids something, trying to not make this a big deal, here, where it could affect the organizations, wanting to help her, that nice lady, and I get to her.

I see her look up at me, hearing the steps from the court, not hearing the other ones that were following me anymore, seeing her smile, feeling my smile coming back, and I hand her the paper and say, "Here you go Ms. Lydia. They're all there and I sent it to your email so even if you lose this paper you'll have everything in that email. So is there anything else you need, maybe more water?"

I see her exhale with her smile and hear that voice say, "What you doing here?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, see Ms. Lydia look over at him, and see her exhale, seeing her smile go away.

I see her turn back to me, see that small smile again, and she says, "Nothing else child, you been a sweetheart, done more than I thought I'd get from this organization or anyone and I'm just gonna thank the minister that sent me here, along with thanking him again for sending me to meetings where I'm getting help now and just all the help I know the lord is sending through the help I got today, so thank you."

I exhale, seeing her stand up, seeing her grab the water bottle, and I see her turn away.

And seeing her walking away, I remember.

I grab the gum from the table, turning to her, and say, "Ms. Lydia you're forgetting this."

I see her turn back to me, see her smile looking down at them, and she says, "Now that's yours sweetheart."

I exhale and say, "Please Ms. Lydia for your walk home just in case you can't, you know, stop to smoke and you want to chew something, please?"

I see her exhale, see her nod with that small smile, and I walk up to her, putting the rest of the sticks of gum in her hand, feeling my smile.

I see her turn away from me, see her straightened up, and I look up, feeling my eyebrow rise, seeing him looking at her, looking surprised and kind of hurt I think, looking at her, and I see her start walking up to him.

I see her pass him, seeing him turn to her, and hear him say, "Why'd you walk all the way here, you can't be," and I hear her say, passing him, "How else am I suppose' to look for work 'less I look myself."

I see her walking to the door, slowly, seeing her walking straighter now, hoping she chews that gum instead of smoking on her way home, and exhale, seeing her walking out, knowing Black Jesus will take care of Ms. Lydia, I know he will, and I hear him ask me why she was here.

I look over at him, looking up at him, and hear Riley.

I look over at Riley, see him looking at him, and I say, "Riley, it's okay, remember where we are, please, and I promise I'll make him leave and the organizations are not getting kicked out of this place because of some fight, please?"

I see Riley exhale with his nod, feeling my small smile, and he says, "One minute or I'ma drag his ass out."

I see Riley turn around, walking back to the courts, wanting to stop him and tell him he needs to trust me more, and then stop myself from saying anything, seeing him turning away from us, knowing he wouldn't turn his back on him if he didn't trust me.

I exhale, knowing I'm getting him out of here, and I look back at him.

And I feel my eyebrow rise seeing him looking at me like that, almost hurt, and I hear him ask me that again, why she was here.

I inhale and say, "I don't have to tell you but I can tell you I'm here for the organizations, to answer questions if people come looking for them or any help the organizations can give, something people have been coming to ask about all day, now can you leave before Riley comes back in one minute and you get us kicked out of this place, a place that's really important for us so we can keep helping people?"

I see him exhale and he says, "Just tell me Jazmine, please, fuck, please, tell me the hell she was doing here."

I inhale and say, "No."

I see him inhale, looking up at him, seeing that he's not wearing his earrings, knowing last time I saw him was when we had just gotten here, from far away, on the other side of the street, seeing his skin, lighter than Huey's, like Ms. Lydia's, just not yellowing like hers is, and those dark brown eyes, like Ms. Lydia's, feeling my eyes open, and I ask, "Are you related to Ms. Lydia?"

I see him inhale, see him tilt his head, doing that thing again, when he looks at me sometimes like that, see him exhale, and hear him say that's his mom.

I inhale, feeling my small smile, remembering how nice she is, seeing him exhale, feeling my eyebrow rise, remembering how she was walking, how she gets tired and I say, "And why aren't you walking her home right now if she gets tired really fast and shouldn't be walking by herself in case she trips Cairo!"

I see him inhale, hearing the dribbling, knowing I was loud, seeing him smirk, and he says, "Cuz she don't need me, just wanned to know why she here, if she's following me or some shit, and she can take care of herself, knows she ain't supposed to be walking far but she does anyways, and she been living by herself since I left so she knows how to take care of herself, but you, Jazzy, you being followed, and…"

I exhale, closing my eyes, and say, "Cairo!"

I hear him stop talking, hearing the dribbling stop, opening my eyes, seeing his eyebrows are lowered, knowing he's mad, I think, but I don't care, and I say, "I am only going to say I'm sorry for screaming at you but stop it, focus, you need to focus, your mom, who has problems walking, gets tired, you haven't lived with for months, who you're visiting, and who is really super nice, and named you, she named you."

I see him inhale and I say, "After a place in Africa she really, really wants to see one day, just walked out of here I think walking home all by herself, walking on streets that have cracks so she could fall, and she's super nice Cairo, now."

I inhale, see him exhale, and I say, "You go right now and you make sure she gets home okay or so help me every Jesus that exists I will never, ever look at you again and if by accident I ever do I promise to act like we never met, ever, and do not test me Cairo because if you know me, if you know anything about me, know how much I love my mom, how much I love my mommy who is my hero, you will not test me on this, on how important moms are, all moms, and you will go after her right now, or so help me Black Jesus, I promise Cairo you will disappoint me so much you won't come out of it, ever."

I exhale, knowing I mean all of it, seeing him blink, I think blushing, seeing him nod with a kind of serious look, and I see him turn around, running, seeing him turn down into the hallway.

And I feel my small smile, hearing Cairo's voice down the hallway telling his mom to wait.

Thank you Black Jesus for this awesome, perfect day.


I exhale, focusing on that voice, feeling too much, too damn much, and hear that voice ask me if I'm okay.

I exhale, possibly longer, and say the truth, "No."

I feel that face move, feeling those long arms around me, the ones I can feel are warm, like her, long, like her legs, and good, like she thinks I am, regardless of those I'm related to, how that grief does not touch that family because they care for no one but themselves, that grief that touched my family today, and hear that sniffling.

I look down and see the top of that big forehead, feeling those shoulders I'm holding, hearing the sniffling.

I kiss that forehead and say, "Why are you crying?"

I hear her inhale, feeling that exhale, those breasts moving up and down right below my chest, where I feel she should always be for many significant reasons, and hear that voice say, "Because you're not okay, Riley's not okay, and I just wish."

I hear that exhale and I move down to that face.

I see those eyes, see those eyes blink, that nose covered in that water, those tears, and I kiss that nose, tasting those damn tears, and say, "Jazmine tell me."

I smell that breath as I'm kissing that soft face and hear her say, "I just wish I could take some of that sadness away from you, so much."

I exhale, kissing her, feeling her push those lips on my own, feeling her moving away, feeling those kisses on my face, hearing her sniffle, and hear her say, "I just."

I feel those kisses and hear her say, "Just want you to be happy. I want all of you to be happy."

I exhale, laying my head on that damn pillow, the one I haven't wanted to move from since we laid down to talk half a minute ago, even if I'm not tired today, I'm not, but this feels.

I feel those hands on my chest, feeling that leg move up my side, feeling her pushing me down, letting her push me down with my back on the floor now, and feel those hips over my own, the ones I want to hold, trying not to hold them.

I exhale, feeling those hands on my face, feeling those breasts on my chest, those curls on my face, smelling that breath, and hear that voice over me say, "And today when I saw Riley, how he looked after they got home after going to visit your mom and dad, how my sister looked," and I feel those kisses on my forehead, relaxing into that place, that place where I hear that voice say, "Saw how he looked like he cried and then I saw my sister, how she looked sad, I think really serious, kind of happy, maybe just grateful for today, but serious, I knew, I just knew it was hard for Riley, hoping that letter he told us to leave there last time was still there when they went, and then my sister told me upstairs that that letter was there when they got there, and that Riley read it to them, to your mom and dad."

I inhale, smelling her, remembering I didn't speak to my brother after they got home, knowing he wanted to possibly eat first, then he went to sleep, possibly tired, feeling her over me, feeling that hair on my face, smelling that possible new smell, a new lotion she said she purchased at the mall that day she got me that shirt, feeling those hips over me, those legs on my sides holding me, hearing that voice, that voice I want to have saying my name in my ear, inside of her, feeling myself getting hard enough, and hear her say, "I'm happy they went, I'm happy we're here, and I'm happy you respect me and Aunt Cookie's house, no matter how hard you are right now, no matter how much I miss your cock inside of me."

I grab that hair, holding that head, bringing her down, and taste that tongue.

I start moving under her, not wanting to care, wanting to taste that neck while I slam into her, slow, hard, several times, finishing inside of her that first time too damn fast because I won't fucken last that first time, hearing her say we can't because we're here and she loves me.

I exhale, letting go of that head, putting my arms around her, bringing her in to me, knowing I need to take care of this problem, the one that's constrained by my shorts right now, knowing what I want, what's right, why we're here, to spend time with family and friends.

I kiss her, feeling her kissing me, no longer feeling that grief I felt when I saw my brother today, seeing that look on his face, knowing he had cried when he went to pay his respects to our parents, knowing he had felt that grief, possibly more, more grief than that family that has never gone to pay their respects to our mother, their daughter, has ever felt, possibly more than they have ever felt for that woman, the one that isn't visited by anyone based on what Jazmine tells me about that gravestone, the fact that it's not well-kept, that gravestone that belongs to that woman that's buried next to our parents, because that family cares for no one but themselves, no longer feeling that grief right now, possibly that anger I felt when I saw how my brother looked, like he felt more than grief going to see them, because right now I'm feeling her, over me, kissing me, feeling happy, feeling her, and hear that voice say, "I don't want you to go, not tonight, please?"

I exhale, feeling her kissing my face, kissing my chin right now, remembering the last time she asked me to not go, two nights ago, the day that fucken idiot was there, the day she told me she met his mother, how excited she was to have met so many people that day. That was the day we were out all day, going door to door, gathering information, necessary information to make the community aware of what is necessary, how much work there still is to do, this time gathering much more information because of Hiro, Ming, and Lauren's language expertise, whereas when we would go out there before, between Caesar and myself when it was just us, even with myself knowing some necessary languages, we would not ask those questions in those languages knowing people would not feel comfortable answering to someone that didn't look like them. Therefore, we would not go through certain neighborhoods where those languages were predominantly spoken, leaving them in the dark. But this time, this time we were able to spend most of the day going through each neighborhood, meeting that goal, along with several other goals, asking those questions, entering that information into our database over the last two days, the database that's accessible to anyone that bothers to look through the platforms we use for both organizations.

I inhale that air, feeling those kisses, knowing we will continue gathering that information to help our community, all communities that need help to come out from under, predominantly the poor black, brown, and newly immigrated African and Asian communities that no one cares about, no one. And now, we have much more information, but there's still so much more work necessary for progress, change, to actually happen. And she'll be there, along with everyone that went out with us that day, including her sister and my brother who stayed behind to help her at the community center. That day, that night when she asked me to not go, to stay here with her, and not go to the bathroom. That day when I left her at the community center only because someone needed to be there, she unselfishly volunteered, and I knew her sister and my brother would be there. I exhale. My brother.

I hear that voice say, "Yeah, Riley, I know, I think, maybe tomorrow I'll help my sister make him a good breakfast, filled with all the stuff he likes to eat in the morning, even if it's not too healthy, and I'll make sure to make your favorite pancakes, okay?"

I exhale, knowing I must've spoken my thoughts out loud or possibly she just knows me that well, knows I was thinking about my brother, feeling my smirk, knowing she knows me that damn well, feeling those kisses on my neck now, those thighs I'm holding now, knowing I'm hard, possibly in some pain from how hard I am, but it will go away, as it has the many times we've done this and I haven't been able to go to the bathroom to take care of that problem. And it's always because we happen to be kissing during the day, someone, like our friends, walked in on us, hearing her friends giggling, or it was during the morning, we thought we had more time and they happen to come home early from those morning walks, or it was at night.

I inhale that air, knowing it's been on nights like this one, when significant and insignificant things have happened, nights like this one, and she asked me to stay and not leave to the bathroom, like she asked me two nights ago, that day that fucken idiot was there, saying something to her about being followed, knowing we haven't left the house for two days because I don't feel fine not knowing if he was saying the truth or he was just being a fucken idiot, and really, I just want to have her under me, kissing her, right now, moving her over, hearing her say my name, and I look down at those eyes.

I exhale, seeing her look up at me, feeling my smirk seeing that surprised look on that face possibly because I just turned us over, seeing that blush I like covering that face in the moonlight, how damn beautiful she is, feeling myself in between those legs, where I haven't been in too long, with those thick thighs on my sides, open, starting to understand why idiot teenagers make dumbass decisions like having sex in their aunt's house who's mildly conservative and doesn't want her nephew and his girlfriend doing more than kissing in her house, feeling myself shaking some, knowing she's mine so why should I care, and I hear that voice say, "Huey I know you're still mad about the thing at the community center, I know, but I belong to you, and we don't have to prove it doing anything okay, even, if."

I exhale, knowing I'm too far, knowing it has been too long, knowing it's just weeks that are left, just weeks damn it, and she says, "Even if I want to so much."

I kiss her, feeling those legs holding me, feeling those arms around my torso, moving over that warmth, shaking into that warmth surrounding my dick, tasting that tongue, hearing her say she belongs to me, hearing her tell me to calm down, moving over that warmth, hearing her say she loves me, hearing her tell me to calm down, holding those hips, covering that mouth, groaning feeling that warm skin over that stomach with the head of my dick, hearing her say she loves me but we can't do this and I need to calm down, covering that mouth, moving faster, wanting to finish on her and not on my hand one more fucken time, just her, because she belongs to me, fuck how the world works, hearing her say she loves me, she does, and she wants Aunt Cookie to still like her because she's like my mother.

I stop, moving away, shaking, putting my palms on the floor, moving away, trying to relax, knowing I need to fucken relax, relax Huey, relax before you become just another one, another one that looks at her and can't control himself from looking at her, can't control himself from wanting to touch her, knowing I've seen pretty girls, I have, but none as beautiful as her, none that smile like she does, who's greens remind me of purity, cleanliness I want today and not just from distancing myself from sick individuals but purity from her, whose eyes, skin, hair, body, remind me of our ancestors, those we come from, whose voice reminds me of why I still wake up most mornings, all mornings if I'm honest with myself, and do it all over again. That voice, that is how I am able to do it, the work that requires drive, requires some hope that there's a reason for it all even if they keep shooting us, we keep losing cases when they murder us, to keep fucken going, because she shouldn't have to live crying thinking that could all happen to me.

I exhale, knowing a girl like her, a girl that looks like her, could one day, in the future, still go through what she went through when I didn't protect her at those fucken schools, a girl we would show up for, shake the whole fucken foundation of that institution to bring justice to any child that looks like her, possibly has my bloodline, because I want that, relaxing to that idea, the idea of the work necessary in the future, a future that I need her to be in which will be made difficult if my only living blood-related mother figure doesn't like her because I couldn't fucken control my hormones and we had sex here, in her house, on the floor of her living room, relaxing, hearing her say she belongs to me and we don't have to prove it by having sex, no matter who ever shows up at any community center, because they're all dumb if they can't see how much we belong to each other.

I inhale, remembering that day, bringing my forearms down on to the floor next to those smooth shoulders, opening my eyes, seeing that smirk on those full lips, and she says, "You really know how to make me feel like the prettiest girl in the world, almost sexy."

I feel my eyebrow rise, knowing I'm still hard, but not to the point I'm going to finish unless I stroke my dick over that stomach a few more times, trying to not fucken think about that, and I say, "I see no point in lying and I believe I told you I have never gotten as hard as I get, in my dreams and outside of them, for any other woman, which means, at least to me, and really to most idiots that bother to look at you, you're more than sexy."

I see that smile with that blush, feeling my smirk, and she says, "I think when you said that, that day at school when they left that dumb note in your locker, you said that I was the only girl that's ever gotten you as hard as you get, but you didn't call me a woman that day."

I exhale, going down to that face, kissing her, knowing I'm hard but it's going away after focusing, having her, possibly her presence, help me focus, moving away to kiss that face, and say, "I've known you since," I kiss that soft cheek, moving up slowly, wanting to taste that face, and say, "You were a girl so," and I kiss that big forehead, the one that makes her look too young, our age in years if not for that body, exhale, trying to have my erection subside, and say, "To me you were a girl, but now, seeing as you said girls in other states at your age can enter marriageable agreements with parental consent, you're," I kiss those eyes, thinking about ridiculous laws that make it possible for children to marry when they can't even vote, and say, "A woman, my woman."

I go down, kiss that cheek, going down to that earlobe, feeling myself getting hard again, and hear that voice say, "Huey, we," and I taste that earlobe, licking it some, the way I know makes her squirm, and hear her moan with that curse.

Fuck.

I close my eyes, trying to remember about laws, the future, institutions, baseball, screeching voices, really cold showers I've had to take recently, trying to not think about what I just did, and hear that voice say, "Okay, maybe, let's talk about things that make us not think about that, maybe, I don't know, um."

I exhale, knowing I should leave to the bathroom, knowing I'll be done jacking off in less than one minute, but she asked me to not leave, wanting to stay with her, and hear her say, "Let's talk about racialized incarceration and then linear equations that have decimals and variables because it's been so long since we talked about that and I need to remember how to do linear equations for when I see the kids again at the community center."

I open my eyes, feeling my eyebrow rise, exhale, possibly, mildly confused, and I move up to see that face.

I see that smile on her, feeling my damn smile knowing what she just said, everything that Jazmine head just said tonight, from how much she belongs to me to help me relax to racialized incarceration to possibly learn more to linear equations so she can help children, and I feel myself doing it, going down to that long neck, and put my face in that neck, moving my arms under that body, hugging that slender back, not caring if I'm hard or not, truly not fucken caring, feeling myself doing it, laughing, laughing into that neck that smells like her.

I inhale, smelling that new smell I like, feeling that feeling, that feeling of lightness in my stomach, regardless of how the world works, all of it, just feeling that lightness, no longer feeling too much like I was before we laid down to talk, no longer feeling that grief I felt after seeing my brother today, knowing he had cried at their gravestone, that grief that being alone with her for minutes has been recreated into a memory, knowing she does not know what she does for me, possibly only for me, knowing it's selfish that I take so much from her and do not give her the same amount in return, what she creates in me, because I'm selfish, wanting to be selfish with just this one thing, just this one thing, just her, and say the selfish truth, "I love you Jazzy."

I feel that kiss on my forehead and hear her say, "I love you bestie, now let's start with racialized incarceration, okay?"

I nod, focusing on right now, where I want to be, right here, in Chicago, in this city, with her, and say, "Fine, but first tell me what most believe it is."

I hear that exhale and hear her say, "Well, from the stuff I read online, most people think it's the police, the justice system, focusing on putting black and brown people in jail, but there's more to it because, at least from what Ms. Reed said, it goes back to history, when people, some people and only those people, were put in ghettos when…"

I exhale, hugging what's mine, hearing that voice talk, remembering that thought I had about us possibly living here one day, here, in a house similar to this one, or this one, if that's something Aunt Cookie would want, us living here one day.


I exhale, really confused, and say, "Aunt Cookie?"

I see her smile and she says, "I want you to have this sweetheart."

I inhale, blink, seeing her smile get bigger, and I say, "But Aunt Cookie I."

I exhale, not knowing what to say, and she says, "Now sweetheart don't be getting shy on this old woman and you take this pin for that hair that reminds me of how much my Rosie liked taking care of her hair."

I inhale, feeling my eyes getting watery for some weird reason, hearing Aunt Cookie say my hair reminds her of their mom, Huey and Riley's mom, feeling my small smile, and nod, looking down at the hairpin.

I exhale, seeing it, how simple and pretty it is, a silver color, the swirls that look like those old style doors, the ones that are on mansions I've seen in Woodcrest, those doors with those swirls in the shape of a cloud, and then the two twisted prongs, the ones that would go in my hair, simple and so beautiful, like my mom.

I look up, feeling my smile, and I say, "Reminds me of my mom a little. Thank you Aunt Cookie. It's the most beautiful hairpin ever."

I see her smile and nod and she says, "Well, when I asked your mother if I could give you two something nice for what you've brought me, she said she wouldn't mind anything I'd give you two but she said you'd probably like this since you like doing your hair in those pretty styles you young girls like doing your hair in nowadays, and my Cindy love likes jewelry so she'd love that jewelry box, and I told her I'd just hope in some way giving you these, a jewelry box and a hairpin I bought with some allowance when I was about your age, apparently when these things were not worth as much as they are now, I'd be thanking you both for what you brought me this time and I'd also see one of my dreams come true, both things I'd be more than grateful for to the good lord."

I exhale, confused, and see her start laughing.

I hear that hearty laugh, feeling my smile, and she says, "Same face my Cindy love made when we were talking earlier and she asked me what I meant and."

I see her exhale with her smile and she says, "I told that angel that I wanted to give you two something, something small like this, something that isn't worth the same as what you brought me when I saw."

I see her inhale, see her small smile, and she says, "When I saw those smiles on my boys, something I know they hadn't done in years, seeing them smile like that, like they did when they were my two little boys, at those parties, churchgoings, coming to see me with Jeb and Rosie, all of us going out to the park, how happy my two beautiful boys were back then, so happy they were, smiling and laughing all the time with no sadness, no pain on those two little faces, and then."

I see her exhale, seeing her eyes getting a little watery, and she says, "Then, just a month after my baby's sixth birthday, that December, remember it so well, hearing that phone ring, getting that call, hearing them say on the other line there was an accident on the road coming down that hill, that damn hill, saying something about an accident, seeing my brother standing there in the kitchen with the boys, the boys at the table, my littlest boy coloring like my Rosie had told him to do before they left, my older boy reading a book like my Jeb had told him to do, and just seeing my brother standing there, looking at me, with that darn look on his face, like he just knew something was terribly wrong, something."

I see her exhale, seeing those bright red eyes getting filled with tears, and she says, "And hearing them say that we need to go identify them, those bodies, my Jeb and Rosie."

I exhale, seeing those tears, not seeing anything behind the blurriness now, not knowing when my vision got blurry, seeing those bright red eyes filled with tears, and I hear her say, "And off we go, my brother and me, not talking on the way, hoping, I think, really praying, for the good lord to say it wasn't true, that it should be us, not them, not them, not my babies, not my Jeb and Rosie, seeing that damn hospital, holding on to my brother, walking down that long hallway to the emergency rooms, where all I could see were those white walls, just those white walls, not hearing nothing else, not hearing my brother, nothing, walking into that room."

I inhale, holding something in my hand, I don't know, seeing her inhale with those tears coming down her warm face, not seeing anything, just those red eyes filled with tears, and I hear her say, "And."

I exhale, shaking, trying to stop the shaking, seeing her exhale, seeing her inhale, blink, looking behind me I think, seeing her squint, seeing her looking kind of mad, and I hear her say, "Saw my Rosie there, all alone on that cold white bed, all alone my Rosie, telling those people she shouldn't be alone, she should be with my Jeb, together like they always were damn it, and they better get him, they better get him right away, and hearing my brother tell me to stop that yelling cuz they'd go and kick us out and telling him Rosie was too young, had too much to live still, too much, and Jeb needed her, that boy needed Rosie to help him raise their sons, their babies, hearing my brother tell me Jeb was in another room and he was gone too and there was nothing yelling was gonna do, not a darn thing it would do, and feeling like I was falling, hearing my brother tell me to breathe, and just feeling like I was falling, like all those times my first husband hit me, waking up on the floor and he'd be gone again, knowing I had fainted, not wanting to go to the hospital or he'd find out, knowing he was wasn't there now, he wasn't, so waking up in the hospital wasn't something I had to be scared of, knowing he was gonna be angry cuz he needed to come get me all cuz he needed his clothes washed, but now, after leaving him, meeting Howard, having those wonderful years of loving my Howard, watching my nephew grow up to be such a good man, being there to hold my Howard's hand when he gave his last breathe and then went on ahead of me to be with the good lord, seeing my nephew bring home the most wonderful girl, full of life and love that girl, no matter what horrible things she had seen in that house, always laughing, making everyone 'round her laugh, making my Jeb so happy I knew the good lord would keep them together, never letting them get sick, not until they were old people, but."

I see her exhale, feeling myself sniffling, shaking, seeing her small sad smile I think, and she says, "But now, after leaving that cruel man, having such a good life with my Howard, seeing my nephew grow up to be the man he got to be, having Rosie there letting me see just how evil never wins over a good soul like hers, being blessed with two more nephews because of her, seeing her take care of my Jeb so well, my Jeb who had been the first of the Freeman men that had gone on to graduate high school, seeing as my brother left to the war before he graduated, our cousins all had not graduated, didn't know how important it was 'til they were grown, but my Jeb."

I see her smile, her big smile with those tears on her warm face, feeling myself sniffling, holding on to something pretty and warm I think, and she says, "He was not only the first Freeman man to graduate from high school, but the only one that had made it all the way to college, went off to serve like my brother he said so they'd pay for college, came back, brought me that wonderful girl home, and then my Rosie told him to stay in school, finish she'd tell him, finish and graduate so he could be a teacher, like he wanted, and my lord did he do it, graduate, all while Rosie worked real hard so he could study, raising those two boys the best they could, putting all that love and work into raising them, and then."

I see her exhale, see her look down, see her inhale, and she says, "Then going on and leaving too soon, too young, with so much to do still, so much to see them two nephews of mine do, but I know, like I know in my heart that my Howard watches us from heaven, that my Rosie, my Jeb, they watch their boys too, making sure to always send them what they need the most, I'm sure with our lord who has the love and power to make things, people, whole again, sending instruments to help make my nephews happy again, whole again, making that sadness, that pain go away, little by little I tell you, but I see it going away, so."

I see her look up, see her smile, and she says, "Like I told my Cindy love, I can't give you much only cuz I'm still going through those boxes, but with the good lord, 'course with all of you helping me so much these last few months, I was able to go through some of those boxes in the basement, and found these two, these two things I wanted to give to my daughter one day, one of my dreams, but instead the good lord gave me good, wonderful nephews, a niece that went on to a better place too young, another beautiful soul that acts like the daughter I'm sure my brother wanted to have just never got around to having, who I also gave something to even if she also acted all too shy when I was giving it to her, and now two angels, cuz that's all you two could be with how happy you two make my nephews, that's all you are, no matter what color you happen to be, cuz I know sick people, wrong, evil people, come in all colors, all shapes, all faces, and good people, good, wonderful people, people full of life and love, those people come in all colors, all shapes, all faces too, and that's what you look for, that goodness in people, and when you find people with so much goodness they make you wanna be better, wanna live, wanna love more, wanna smile and laugh, like I've seen my nephews do so much in these last few months, you hold on to those good people and you don't let them go, like I told my Cindy love I hope my sweet baby Riley never does with her, cuz he smart, he is, and I hope with how smart he is it helps him see how much goodness there is in that angel, no matter what color she is, and I hope knowing there's something here waiting for you when you bring me my boys 'least once a year, you'll both come with that sweet mother of yours that acts like a daughter to my lazy brother, like a daughter to me, making me walk to get me healthier she says because she wants me 'round longer, like I know a child of mine would do for me, and I promise to keep looking for things like this to have for you all when you come bringing me my smiling, happy boys that I missed so much, so darn much for lord knows too long."

I exhale, knowing I'm holding something warm and full of love and full of life in my hand, something Aunt Cookie gave me, not knowing what it is, hugging her, crying because I'm so happy, not thinking about anything that I saw in any videos weeks ago, not thinking about any people that are waiting there to bother us, any people that are waiting outside of this house to bother any of us, because I'm so happy right now, hugging her, smelling the way she smells after dinner, hearing her laughing that hearty laugh, so happy with everything she told me because it felt so warm and sad and happy and every emotion I've ever felt, hugging her so much, feeling her hugging me back, and I feel those other arms going around us.

I start laughing, hearing Aunt Cookie laughing too, feeling those other arms going around us, those arms I know, the ones I've known my whole life, feeling another set of arms going around us on my other side, hearing my mom say they only listened behind the door for a little and were going to leave but then they didn't leave, hearing my sister say she already heard this stuff and it's still so sad and she's so happy she's here, hearing Aunt Cookie laughing and saying she heard them behind the door and she's happy we're all here too, and then feeling us going down more, feeling that weight.

I hear our friends say they want to be part of this too, laughing, not being able to stop laughing, crying, knowing Aunt Cookie is right, trying to remember everything she said because it's so important, all of it, hoping I write this down later in my diary for that book we're going to make one day, with all the other stuff I've learned about Huey and Riley's parents this time, what schools they went to, some of the places they took them to, because that's what Black Jesus wants, I know it, like I know that Aunt Cookie's husband, Huey and Riley's parents, and everyone that's passed away and cared about us is watching from heaven, hearing us all say we love being here.


I exhale and say, "I still don't understand why this is necessary."

I hear their cackling, rolling my eyes at their idiotism, and look down at my book, hearing my brother say, "Cuz all you'll do is work and she wanned to meet 'em here so they'd all play, damn, that's why shit's necessary and why you called McHater."

I exhale, looking over my book, not paying attention to what he's saying, looking up, feeling my smirk, seeing those legs, going all the way up, feeling my possible smirk get bigger, knowing after that surprise last night where I messaged Ms. Mona, it was a good damn night.

I feel my eyebrow rise, looking at those shorts I haven't seen on her, possibly because she's never worn them, thinking about last night, when I messaged Ms. Mona and she picked us up. She dropped us off at the museum after it had closed, having her pick us up only because I haven't had a chance to get my driver's license yet, will be doing that once we get back to Woodcrest, and with only a permit in a city known to have police that stop a black man when he's driving anything at night to put drugs in his car and arrest him after they 'found' those drugs, I could still get pulled over.

I inhale, knowing I do not want her going through that, so I had Ms. Mona take us, not telling Jazmine where we were going. And we arrived, I felt my smirk seeing those hips slightly jumping and down next to me. We got out of the car, thanked Ms. Mona, showed security our tickets, knowing I had specifically told Jazmine to keep that ticket on her at all times during this vacation, and walked in as people were leaving. Then I watched her run around that museum with all the excitement she had and knew asking Ms. Mona to come back at nine to take us to the museum's closest storage unit so we could roam there until midnight, looking at the more adult-oriented art from black artists that the museum doesn't feel is public-friendly enough for the museum, was well worth it. I also knew at that storage unit there would only be some security seeing as only adults well into their fifties bother going to those storage units, so I found a room full of more tribal masks from Africa, sat her on my lap on a bench in that room, alone, and kissed her until I knew it would be painful to walk with my erection, having to go to the restroom there to take care of that problem again, with her waiting outside of the restroom. And when I stepped out of the restroom, I felt that kiss from her, felt that warm hand grab my own, and she pulled me to the next room to ask me more questions, feeling my smile, knowing I'm not only in love with her, who she is, what she is, everything about that Jazmine head, but I'm happy, happily fucken in love with her, and feel my eyebrow rise, seeing her throw it, seeing it, knowing it, and seeing it go through the hoop, feeling myself stand up, and hearing myself say, "That's my girl!"

And I hear them laughing, their cackling, see those greens look at me with that smile, that blush from here, and see her sister and friends covering her from my view.

I hear their damn cackling continue, shake my head, sitting down, feeling it, seeing those small feet in that circle jumping up and down, feeling it, and start laughing with my idiot brother and friends. Idiots.

I exhale, looking at my book once again, hearing them continue on with their bets, and hear Waldo say, "Riley, you know that's your cousin's team 'gainst your girl's team and you betting on your girl's?"

I continue reading where I left off, the next surah I've read before but am choosing to read it again, because I want to, and hear my Hiro say, "First Waldo, my girl's there too, my brother's girl's there, and Cindy there, who ain't captain in her team but my girl says she should be, and then Jazzy knows how ta ball, 'nough if she tried out probably get on their team, so there's reason to bet on that team, and second."

I hear Hiro exhale and hear him say, "Reason other team keeps falling behind, 'nough I know my girl's team taking it easy is cuz all them girls in Loretta's team ain't the same girls she plays with at their school."

I feel my smirk and hear Caesar say, "Yeah, cuz we all knows one of them crazy ones that's the reason you left this damn city is on the court in Loretta's team right now and only said she'd play probably so you'd be watching her or some shit, and we know you keeping an eye cuz you know there already been a few times the girls had to stop something from going down between that crazy ass girl and Lauren, and I'm betting something's gonna happen for sure after Lauren stepped up to her, told her in front of everyone that as of last night you belong to her in the little Spanish I know, and that crazy girl almost jumped on her 'til Loretta told her ass to calm the fuck down or she ain't playing and she can get stepping, watching our girls all trying to hold Lauren back from fucking her up, and I'm betting something's gonna happen between them two today bro, no matter how much you think you looking at them like you wanna pull them apart is gonna stop it, shit, I say watch Lauren fuck her up cuz we all know best way to train her is telling her to 'magine it's some girl talking to your ass and that girl gets fucken scary man."

I exhale, hearing them laughing, shaking my head, having seen the girls training, knowing Jazmine's better at shutting that off, that trigger, but Lauren, and I hear myself say, "She's like you Hiro."

And I hear their cackling, laughing with them, hearing Hiro laughing telling us we're all idiots and as of last night he does belong to Lauren so he couldn't give a shit if she gets in a fight with that crazy girl because Lauren will still be his girl after that.

I exhale, hearing them congratulate him, and hear him say, "Man, why you'll acting like she my first, just finally happen and I told you'll I'd be cool with it if she wanned it, if she asked cuz just didn't wanna be with no virgin no more but for her, fuck."

I see that throw, see it go into the hoop, and I see Jazmine run up to Lauren, hugging her.

I exhale, enjoying myself, seeing her having fun, and hear Hiro say, "She don't ever lie to me, don't ever try to make me jealous just cuz, and always acting like she just happy to be there, to fucken be with me, no matter where we are, so for her, I'll talk to her folks, tell 'em I'ma take care of her, be safe and shit, cuz they left her here, she called them to tell 'em she wasn't gonna stay at Aunt Cookie's last night and she was staying with me, and I then I talked to them, told 'em I'd make sure she got back to Aunt Cookie's today, wouldn't be staying at no run down shit, not even my old boss's hotel again. Nah, for her I'd pay for the swankiest room they got here, real nice room, one where they had fucken champagne waiting for us and when she saw it she said they could take that back cuz we didn't need it cuz we don't gotta drink to wanna be there, cuz we were there to be there, not be fucked up and drunk like dumbass fucken kids I know can only fuck when they got that drink in them, but not us, and this morning when we woke up, we just chilled, made sure she took some pain medicine had gotten the day before for her, slept some more, had room service bring us food when we woke up later, got ready, and then came here cuz she wanted to stretch she said."

I hear the snickering, shaking my head at their idiotism, acting like children about this, and hear Hiro tell them they're all immature and they gotta grow up, and hear them start that cackling. Idiots.

And hear myself possibly, maybe, laughing with them, watching them, seeing Ming pass the ball to Cindy, and Cindy throw that ball, seeing the ball go into the hoop, and exhale seeing them fifty feet away.

I inhale hearing Waldo say, "Ain't those your cousins?"

I inhale, standing up, seeing them walking up to us, knowing this day is going to get that damn much longer before I have her sit on my lap.


I exhale, folding that cute T-shirt Lauren used today, and say, "Today was awesome and way too short."

I hear that laugh, laughing with her, and hear her say, "I'ma say you right but think the guys thought it was hella long after their cousins got there."

I start laughing harder remembering how Mario and Romeo looked when my sister introduced Ming and Lauren to them and then introduced Mario and Romeo as our cousins, seeing their faces fall, trying to not laugh at them, and then feeling those arms going around my waist, how nice it feels that he's so affectionate now, even with our close friends and family, at the courts, hugging me like that.

I exhale and say, "Well even after they got there it was still fun, I think even better because at least they were trying to flirt with Loretta's friends, who I think liked them too, and then that girl."

I exhale, hearing my sister exhale, folding those shorts I used today, and hear her say, "Yeah, honestly, don't be tellin' Laurie though, but for like a sec I almos' let go of her and let her have that sata cuz I swear that bitch was pissing Etta the fuck off going after Laurie whole fucken game, game we won cuz our team's that damn good, with the best sister in the world there that should be tryin' out for the team next year but don't wanna cuz she says that's for me and she's too much of a teddy bear and wants to give me too much, and we won cuz that dumb bitch that Laurie wanned to throw it down with was only there to show off some throws she ain't even make, all so the homie could see her, dumb bitch that only made it so we had to keep an eye on Laurie before she threw the ball at her face, swung at her, and shanked her skinny ass."

I exhale and nod, remembering that, how we did keep looking at Lauren to make sure she didn't do that, kind of happy when Romeo and Mario got there, and I say, "And that's why I was happy when Romeo was flirting with that girl, I think even got her phone number."

I hear her laughing, feeling my smile with my eyebrow rise, a little confused, and I look over at her, seeing her folding those socks, and I say, "Sis?"

I see her exhale with her smile, her eyebrow raised, looking at those socks in her hands, and she says, "Just think you right 'bout Romeo hitting up that sata but damn Mario, no matter how much it looked like he was tryin' to hit up Loretta's girls and some other girls there, he still ain't take his eyes off my beautiful sis."

I exhale, feeling my smile, dropping what's in my hands, hugging her around her shoulders, kissing that soft blonde head, and say, "Says the most beautiful girl I know for sure and who will probably always get stares from guys and girls."

I see her shake her head, see her turn to me, kissing my forehead, and see that shiny necklace on her, the one that our mom got her this last Christmas, feeling my smile, and hear her say, "Sis, um, since we're alone, wanna tell you something, something I ain't get to tell you yet cuz we had so much to do."

I feel my eyebrow rise, letting go of her, and say, "Yeah sis, tell me."

I see her exhale, feel my eyebrow seeing her grabbing that necklace from her neck, remembering she wore it today under her shirt when we were playing at the courts, wanting to ask her why she was wearing it when she only likes using it on special days like dates with Riley or group dates with all of us or when we all went to the museum three weeks ago, but she never wears it on normal days like today, and I see her pull it out, feeling my eyes open.

It's not the necklace mom gave her.

The necklace mom gave her is gold, yellow gold. The one she's wearing is a silver necklace, maybe white gold, I don't know, but it's so pretty, delicate, shinny, and I see her pull it out completely, feeling my mouth open seeing that pretty pendant, a silver pendant, the swirls, those pretty swirls of silver, the black between the swirls, that pendant hanging off of that silver necklace, the most beautiful silver rose pendant I've ever seen hanging on that silver necklace.

I exhale, touching it, feeling the silver on the rose, the pedals in silver, that warm rose shape the silver pedals are making with the black in between the pedals, feeling it moving down that necklace, and hear my sister's sweet deep voice say that Riley gave it to her.

I feel my smile, touching it, feeling it between my fingers, how pretty it is, and hear my sister say Riley gave it to her that day when they went to visit his parents.

I hear her say that day, the day they went to the cemetery to visit his parents, Riley told his parents that he was going to give his girlfriend something that he wanted her to hold on to, something Aunt Cookie found in one of the boxes in the basement that belonged to his mom, something he wanted someone he trusted to keep and wear because it needed to be worn and not put away in a box like his parents were put away, and he wanted his girlfriend to wear that rose pendant Aunt Cookie found that belonged to his mom on a necklace that Aunt Cookie gave him on Christmas when he was little, a necklace he had left here because he didn't wear necklaces, he wore chains, and now, if his girlfriend wanted, he wanted her to wear that pendant that belonged to his mom on that necklace because he knew she'd take care of that pendant and that necklace and wear them, not put them away in a box, like his parents were put away. Then they came home.

I exhale, sniffling, and hear that voice say, "Riles tol' me his mama loved roses and color green, why there those roses on their gravestone, and the gravestone a little green, Sacramento green Riles said, looks almost black, but it ain't, it's just so dark green that it looks black, but Riles knows colors, sees 'em, so he knows their gravestone that Sacramento green, and he knows his mama loved roses, what she had in their house all the time, reason why she always wore green he says and why she wore this pendant since he remembers, and he said he wanned me to wear it when I ain't playing big games, much as I want, cuz if I'm wearing it he knows I'll kill someone befor' I lose it and."

I look up at her, see those big blue eyes shining a little, feeling my smile, seeing her blushing like that, and she says, "And he said it'll look good on me cuz he just knew."

I exhale, putting my arms around her, hugging her, knowing I'm so going to hug my little brother when I see him again for being so good to her, caring about her like he does, making her this happy, feeling her hugging me, and hear her say, "Just wanned to tell you first, befor' anyone else, cuz you my everything Jazzy boo, and people only come after you."

I hug her, knowing I'm crying right now because I'm so happy, and say, "I love you sissy and I'm gonna keep making sure you're always happy because if you're not happy I can't ever be happy."

I hear the sniffling, hugging my little sister, knowing she's the best thing ever and Riley knows it and I'm so happy he knows it, hearing that door open, hearing the cups being put down, and feel those two sets of arms hugging us.

I start laughing, hearing them laughing, and hear Ming say, "So walking up here we saw your afro and Cin Bear's Riles playing on the Xbox and told 'em we got lots to talk 'bout so we gonna have you both for 'least an hour and first we talking 'bout that sata at the courts and then whatever's made our big sis and the unofficial captain cry."

I hear that exhale from Lauren, hearing my sister and Ming laughing, laughing with them, and hear my sister say, "Cool, but first, we still ain't talk 'bout Laurie's wild night, so we starting there."

I hear that exhale again, hearing us laughing, feeling Lauren moving her face over us, I think shaking her head, and hear her say, "And my answer to all of that is yep, you're all right, we have lots to talk about, but I wanna see the pictures we all took today too so let's go through our phones while we talk and let's get our teas before they get cold."

I nod, hearing us all agree, knowing there's so much we need to talk about, so much we need to see, looking forward to it so much.


I exhale, knowing what's to come, not looking forward to it, at all, and say, "Riley, you're going to get yourself killed, again."

I hear that cackle and hear him say, "I ain't McHater, shit, trust me."

I exhale, seeing where he is, going back to my side of the screen, knowing I can get there, possibly fast enough, I just need to retrieve the documents, knowing this is pointless, 'secret documents' are pointless, this is just a damn game, and he's going to get himself killed again, and say, "Damn it Riley, just stay there and I'll," and I hear him say, "McHater, shit, trust my ass, act like I ain't ever do this one and just a damn game so stop being a little bitch, grab yo' shit, and I'ma make sure you got a clear way when damn bomb goes off."

I inhale, knowing he's right, damn broken clock is right, it's just a game, holstering my rifle, grabbing the documents, and bring out the rifle. I hear the footsteps coming, hearing the shooting on the other side of the screen, seeing those characters walk in, like they did last time before I killed them, ran out and died in that explosion because I was too busy killing their backup to run out and my brother had died outside when he was supposed to take care of that backup but he was being an idiot showing off his shooting skills and got himself killed. I shoot the characters one shot in the head and chest, running down the corridor, taking the first right, straight, the third left, knowing this is part of the challenge, hearing the timer that started the moment I picked up the documents, accustomed to the layout of the compound now, running through it, shooting the enemy, hearing the timer, the bomb going off, shooting, hearing the explosions in the building, running down the corridor, seeing the exit, hearing the timer saying I have five seconds before the explosion reaches me, running out, seeing the enemies on the floor, seeing that character with his idiot alias over the character's head, seeing him pointing that gun to my right, seeing him shooting, hearing the sound of the enemy dying, running, feeling my smirk, getting to the exit of the compound, passing him, and see it on the screen.

Mission Completed Team LethalAfroInterjection

Idiot name my brother made up for our team.

I hear that cackling from my idiot brother, hearing myself doing it, laughing with him, and hear him say, "Tol' you man, shit, always hating gay ass McHater."

I exhale, shaking my head, feeling my smirk, seeing the list of items we need to retrieve for the next mission, and say, "One, I was just being logical based on your previous actions, thinking you were going to show off again with that dumbass shooting you were doing before, getting yourself killed, which led to me getting killed, and two, if I'm so gay why do I have my girlfriend sleeping next to me every night?"

I see the next mission start, pressing start, waiting for him to press start, not seeing him pressing it or hearing him saying anything, and I look over at him.

I see him looking at me with that dumbass look, his raised eyebrow, that dumbass smirk, and he says, "Not bad for a lame ass comeback, shit, some even say that's a good one, and I know only reason you talk shit now is cuz you did grow some, asked her to be your girl, and you ain't such a little bitch no more, maybe don't hate like befor', and I think more than me see that shit, probably why when we got home today and I wen' to see Grandad, woke him up from his nap, he said he talked to Ms. Lola 'bout it, 'course she said she's cool with it, and we ain't got nothing to worry 'bout."

I exhale, feeling my smirk, possibly my smile, knowing it's all settled, everything that needed to be settled, the last being if Ms. Lola, but rather Grandad who's just as stubborn as us and believes he doesn't need supervision, would agree to the only request we had for them.

I see my brother nod with that smirk and he says, "Yeah, so everything's cool, and I'ma lead next mission."

I exhale, see him turn back to the screen, knowing this is going to be long with all the changes he likes to make to set plans based on how he 'feels' at the moment, hearing him say how he wants to go about the mission, nod, turning back to the screen, and start walking towards the first room to retrieve the item.

I get the item and wait behind the door for the enemy to leave, because this game gives the enemy enough time to shoot if he sees us, which is not how real missions actually happen, but one similarity with real missions is if the enemy shoots he will alert others of my presence and location.

I exhale, waiting, and hear my brother say, "Gave Cindy mom's rose."

I inhale, look over at him, see him focused on the game, and he says, "Day I took her to meet 'em, I gave her mom's rose on that necklace Aunt Cookie gave me when I was a kid, and she been wearing it since, says she ain't taking it off 'less she gotta do games where she playing to win or days she gotta wear one her own mom gave her."

I exhale, seeing him focused on the game, and I turn back to the screen.

I walk out from behind the door, moving around the room, picking up ammunition, walking out, down the corridor to the next office, knowing we don't talk about our parents and women in the same conversation, or least we did not talk about our parents and women at all and even less in the same conversation until now, and ask, "How did it go?"

I hear him exhale as I'm running to retrieve the next item and hear him say, "A'ight guess, just showed, Cindy made me not see shit didn't wanna see, covered ma eyes, walked my ass up there, and heard her putting shit up, doing some'ng, took that shit off ma eyes, and saw she had covered that bitch's grave, put up a blanket so wouldn't see even dirt covering that grave, tellin' me her and Jazzy came up with that shit when you'll wen' first time, didn't know 'bout that shit cuz all I tol' Jazzy was how to get there, where grave was, but her and Cindy came up with covering that bitch's grave."

I nod, feeling my smirk, possibly my smile, shooting, walking down the corridor, waiting for him to create the distraction, and say, "Between those two, possibly with help from their mother, there isn't much they can't do, if anything."

I hear him exhale, hearing the enemy giving those commands, hearing them running out of the room, seeing them passing me as I'm standing in the dark of the hallway, and hear him say, "Nah, not one thing."

I walk out into that corridor, running to the room now, and say, "Anything else happen?"

I grab the item, then the ammunition from the floor, and hear him say, "Just sat there, talked some, tol' 'em some shit, why I was giving it to Cindy, how I trusted her, tol' 'em I'd see 'em more, pay my respects every time we're here, started acting like a little bitch, some'ng been doing since got here this time, crying, tol' Cin to cover me up, heard her putting shit away, and we walked down to the gate, called Ms. Mona, she's cool, and she brought us back."

I nod, running to the next building, and say, "She is, I would continue contact her and only her if you don't want us going with you and Cindy anywhere or if you're going out late at night like Jazmine and I did last night, just give her a day's notice at the very least, and."

I inhale, shooting the enemy, walking pass him to get to the next item, and say, "Crying doesn't make you a little bitch Riley, specifically when you're crying because someone you possibly miss is dead, people you know loved you are dead, people I'm sure would cry for us if it was us in those graves instead of them, and based on the fact that you are able to cry when you're there you might be emotionally healthier than me or maybe just more in touch with your feelings, both of which make you less insane to the world than I am and I envy you for that."

I inhale, knowing I do not lie, even when I didn't necessarily mean to say that much, seeing myself get shot by the enemy, feeling that hand on my shoulder, and hear him say, "Thanks and I love you too man but you ain't that crazy, just gay as fuck seeing that shot that got you, and no matter how much you envy my ass 'least you get to have your girl at night, lucky ass nigga."

I exhale, hearing his cackling, shaking my head at his idiotism, his vocabulary that progresses and regresses at times, knowing he's right, possibly feeling those pieces falling into place hearing myself laughing with him, and say, "Whatever's man, still got further in this game because of me."

I hear him cursing at me between his cackles, hearing him say it's just a damn game where weak ass enemies hide because we can kill them with one shot, feeling my smirk knowing that broken clock is right again, and start running down the corridor to get to those weak ass enemies, and hear those steps.

I look over at her, feeling it, seeing that look on that face, that look of worry on that soft face, and hear that voice say everything's fine but they found something.

I exhale, getting up, knowing enemies exists everywhere, in pointless games, within and outside real institutions that dictate people's lives, and within this very city, readying myself to take care of weak ass enemies that made that face go from the smile I saw walking up those stairs earlier to that worried soft face I'm looking at right now.


I exhale, not worried, not even a little, highlighting the phone number, the address, thinking about the last person that came, focusing on that nice man that wanted to know about those classes where they give free English classes, that older Latin man I gave a packet too and wanted to know where he could find the address and the phone number on the page to that high school, and I look up.

I look around and exhale, not seeing that guy.

And I'm not worried, because everything is okay, I know it, knowing his paranoia of the government and people that don't matter infiltrating our lives is getting to me.

I exhale, remembering to be positive, looking for her, looking up at the court, and see her, feeling my smile.

I see her looking at those older kids, seeing her pointing to the end of the court saying 'all way over there,' knowing they're setting up teams for the next game, knowing everything is okay, and I hear him ask me if he did it right.

I look over at him, feeling my smile get bigger, seeing those brown eyes looking at me, and I scoot up, looking down at his paper.

I take my pencil, going through it, slowly to make sure I don't make mistakes, getting to the answer, and see it's not the right answer.

I exhale and hear Isaiah ask me if it's not right.

I shake my head and say, "No, but almost."

I hear him exhale, look over at him, see him looking at the table, seeing him looking like that, kind of sad, and hear Cassius say, "Almost Izzy, keep tryin'."

I see Isaiah exhale, see him look away, I think looking at the court where I can hear my sister and Riley telling the kids they need to wait for the ball to reach the tip of the arch, and hear Isaiah say, "Ain't ever gonna make it."

I exhale and hear Cassius say, "Nah Izzy, you make it, just keep tryin' like last time."

I look over at Cassius, feeling confused, see him look at me with that small smile, those bright light brown eyes, and he says, "Last time we was here."

I nod, knowing Cassius had more of his homework done this time because he tried working on it on his own but Isaiah didn't have any more done, feeling kind of sad that he didn't but knowing I was going to help both of them no matter what, and I look over at Isaiah.

I see him still looking out at the court, knowing my sister and Riley stayed with me again because I told everyone I was going to stay because Isaiah and Cassius had said they were going to come again and I wanted to be here and I wanted to keep learning more, meeting more people, and they had all gotten so much information last time walking out there, asking those questions, that I wanted them all to keep going. I wanted to help them keep making changes happen, to keep showing the people that these organizations care about everyone, blacks, brown people, Asians, poor people, everyone, and I wanted to be here to wait for Isaiah and Cassius. And I didn't know if they were going to come for sure and I got so happy when I saw them walking in with their backpacks, not knowing why I missed them, only meeting them last week, remembering for some weird reason when I got a little scared last week, when Isaiah went home to get his homework packet, how happy I was when he came back in seven minutes, wanting to hug him when he walked in but not doing it because I had just met him, hugging him, smelling that cologne I think he's wearing even if he's only twelve, how cute it is that he's wearing cologne, hearing him inhale, and hear Isaiah say, "Jazmine?"

I inhale, moving away from him, letting go, and hear him say, "Nah, it's cool, feels nice."

I exhale, hugging him again, and say, "Please keep trying Isaiah, like Cassius is telling you to, because he cares about you, I care about you even if we just met, and you only got the decimal part wrong, something I only saw because I did the problem, but that's it, all the numbers were right."

I feel him exhale and hear him say, "For reals? Can you show me where I fucked, I mean where I messed up?"

I nod, knowing he's been watching his language today, letting go of him, and look down at his work, seeing where he forgot to bring down the decimal, pointing to it, and say, "See there, where the decimal is, remember to just carry it down and that's all you got wrong, promise."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Thanks and I'ma keep tryin'."

I nod, focusing on this, how happy that made me feel, and hear a voice say, "Jazmine?"

I look up, feeling my smile getting so much bigger seeing her, and say, "Talia!"

I see her smile, see her nod, and she says, "You remember me?"

I smile and exhale, rolling my eyes, looking at them, and I say, "Of course and that's Armani and Luther, and."

I look over at her, a girl older than Talia, maybe by a year or two, feeling my small smile, seeing her looking at me with her raised eyebrow, and I say, "Hi, I'm Jazmine and you are?"

I see the girl exhale, rolling her eyes at me and turning around, feeling my eyebrow rise, and I hear her say, "Tali, I'ma be outside, you'll tell me when you're done."

I feel my mouth open, not knowing what I did, if I was rude to her, and hear another voice say, "Meet you'll at the court."

I look over at Luther, see him walking away, towards the court, and hear Talia say, "What you'll doing here?"

I look over at her, blink, remembering, feeling my smile, and I say, "Homework and stuff for the organizations, you wanna stay and hang out?"

I see her exhale with a cute grossed out face, making me giggle, and I say, "Well, if you want, my sister and her boyfriend are playing basketball with the other kids and you can all go play with them, but I'll be here with Isaiah and Cassius."

I see Talia smile and she says, "Yeah, Luther going over there cuz our friends came saying they were gonna come play with Escobar again, think the brother of that guy Lani likes, them two brothers that stay at Ms. Cookie's, where you staying, and I told Lani his brother's your boyfriend, why she all mad I think, and we came cuz we were gonna play with our friends at the court inside cuz it's nicer than the ones outside but center's only open on Saturdays and our friends said they liked playing with Escobar and a girl named Murph when they came last week, then Lani said she just gonna come see what you look like cuz you ain't that pretty but Mani told Lani you are pretty and," and I hear that voice say, "Tali sayin' too much, damn, you'll always talk too much."

I exhale, looking over at Armani, seeing him looking away, I think mad, ready to tell him she can talk all she wants because she's being respectful and adorable, and I hear that voice say, "Mani don't be acting like you mad cuz I'm just saying the truth and I ain't being rude, like mama said we supposed to, and I'ma stay with Jazmine and hang out and you can go to the court with Luther 'lone cuz you being dumb."

And I feel my smile seeing Talia walking over to me, see her sit down next to me, and see her look down at my paper where I was working on Isaiah's math problem, seeing that cute grossed out face.

I giggle, shaking my head, grabbing one the packets and a highlighter from my pencil bag, and I say, "Okay, if you wanna hang out and not get bored, maybe you can help me highlighting the address and phone number on each page?"

I see her nod, wanting to touch that soft cute afro so much, see her grab the highlighter from my hand, and I go back to the packet I was working on, feeling even better with so many kids here, highlighting the address on the next page, and hear that voice ask if he can help.

I look up feeling my smirk seeing Armani looking at me with a kind of uncomfortable look, smile at him, and I say, "Yes and I don't bite so sit down with us and you can help with the packets too okay?"

I see him exhale and smile seeing him blush I think, giggling at him, and see him sit in the empty seat next to Cassius, grabbing one of the packets and a highlighter, and I look down at the packet I'm on.

I highlight the page, going to the next page, and hear him ask me if he's doing it right.

I look up, feeling my smile seeing Armani looking at me, and I grab the packet from him, looking at it, nodding with me smile, and give it to him, telling him he's doing a good job.

I look back down at my packet and feel that little hand on my hand.

I look over at her, see her looking at me with those bright dark eyes, that fluffy long soft afro that looks like soft curls and I want to touch, feeling my smile hoping I have lots of little girls around me always, and hear Talia say, "This good?"

I look at the packet, see the page she's on, seeing how straight her lines are, highlighting with two lines to make sure she got the whole address and phone number, feeling my smile, and I say, "Perfect and I'm going to start using two lines like that too."

I hear her giggle, seeing her turning the page, and I look down at my packet, and hear that voice ask if he can help too.

I look over at Isaiah, see him looking at me with that raised eyebrow, confusing me, and I say, "But you're working on your homework, why do you wanna help with this when that's way more important?"

I see him exhale with his raised eyebrow and he says, "How homework more important than that work you'll do and I just, don't know, just."

I see him look away and hear him say, "Just wanna help you."

I exhale, feeling my smile, knowing he's being cute, and hear that voice say my name.

I inhale, look over at him, and hear that sweet deep voice say, "Nah ah, not today, too much going down, you leaving."

I see him look at my sister, see him exhale, thinking he looks kind of tired, and he says, "I'ma leave just let me stay for a minute, just let me make sure no one 'round, you know, 'round here."

I hear her exhale and hear my sister say, "Not today man, we all good, playing with kids that ain't part of that, and my man don't need you here making him worry 'bout more, why I'm here and not him, so just go."

I see him exhale, see him nod, and he says, "Get it, lot going down, just let me check Cin, just some minutes, and I'ma leave, just let my ass not worry as much as I worry 'bout your sister, please man, just a minute, please?"

I exhale, seeing how tired he looks, and I say, "We already checked, no one's in here right now that shouldn't be here and we know what he looks like."

I see him look at me, see him inhale with that raised eyebrow, and he says, "Then you know how much that fucker been following," and I inhale, not believing him, talking like that again, in front of them, and say, "Cairo stop it! I told you to not talk like that around kids and you won't listen, why!"

I see him exhale, hearing the dribbling stop, knowing I'm really mad because there are a lot of kids here, a lot, see him blink with those pursed lips, and he says, "Cuz I grew up hearing that shit. Hearing shit like that from uncles, my mom when she was wasted, no matter how much she tryin' now. Heard that shit every damn day and these kids been hearing this shit too so why try to hide them from that? Like they ain't going home to that shit? Tell me Jazmine, since you know so damn much, why not let 'em hear it here when it's the same shit they hear when they go home. Tell me!"

I exhale, hearing voices, I think the kids, my sister telling Cairo to stop, and I say, "Because kids shouldn't have to hear it at home or anywhere and it's not fair. It's not. It's not fair that they do hear that stuff. It's not fair that online it says that kids with money, kids that grew up in other places, don't hear this stuff. They don't. They grow up not hearing that stuff, going to good schools, schools where their teachers tell them to argue with adults, defend themselves, not be afraid of them because they know their teachers are supposed to help them, they know, and then they go home, walking home in safe neighborhoods where they can run home even if they see a police officer, not afraid of anything, not afraid they'll be."

I stop, exhaling, feeling those hands on my shoulders, those strong, small hands that belong to my sister, inhale, looking at him, seeing him looking at me, knowing he knows this, and I say, "And you know this Cairo, you know how bad it is, why we're doing this, why it matters, how much going home to a safe home, where no one yells at you, curses at you."

I exhale, remembering those fights, remembering sometimes I think, when he would yell at me, curse at me because he was angry, maybe drunk, feeling those hands squeezing my shoulders, and I say, "And we need to try to make it safe everywhere for them, here, everywhere, everywhere we are, and that means maybe just not cursing around them, around Tam Tam and TT."

I see him exhale, remembering them, feeling my small smile, remembering how much I miss them, Zari, all the kids, feeling those hands on my shoulders, putting my hand on hers, knowing she misses them too, no matter how much we call, and I say, "So if you want to stay, fine, I don't mind, and I know this is public place and really we can't make you leave, but know that the reason you are here, that guy."

I see him inhale, nod at him, and I say, "He's not here, okay, but if you stay."

I inhale, see him nod, and I say, "You say one curse word, one, and I'm dragging you out with help from my brother."

I see him inhale, see him nod, and he says, "A'ight but just."

I see him exhale, hearing the dribbling starting again, feeling myself exhale a little, and he says, "Stay here, you gotta go to the bathroom, front or anywhere, take your sister, take someone, don't be going 'lone, and don't be calling people you ain't related to, people you ain't related to Jazmine, family, cuz you ain't married to him."

I inhale and hear voice I love say, "Cairo don't be stupid, acting like you don't know how close we are, and you don't know nothing, not a damn thing, 'bout what being a brother or sister is, really is."

I see him inhale looking at my sister over me and he says, "I know you two sisters, cuz you'll live together, see how you'll take care of each other, so I ain't talking 'bout that, but she ain't married, and if you'll talkin' 'bout things that ain't fair, kids hearing cursing, than that ain't fair, making others think she married saying that's her brother, when he ain't, so all I'm asking is for her to stop saying sh."

I see him exhale and he says, "Saying that and let me stay and I won't curse, not a word, just let me stay."

I inhale, feeling those hands on my shoulders, knowing she's mad, and hear her say, "Cairo, you damn wrong cuz," and I squeeze that hand and say, "Sis, let me."

I hear her exhale, see Cairo look at me, and I say, "No, you don't get to decide what I say, who I say my family is and."

I see him inhale, see him open his mouth, and I say, "I am not done Cairo so do not interrupt me because I didn't interrupt you."

I see him inhale and nod at me and I say, "And you just made my sister get angry because you're talking about me like I'm not here so."

I see his eyebrow rise, see him nod, and I say, "Don't talk about me like I'm not here, ever, specially when I'm the one that said you could stay, and that's all you get, that's it, not after everything you've done, no, you don't get to ask for anything, you get to listen, and that's it. Now are you staying or leaving?"


I hear him say, "That's wrong cuz four and six can be divided by two so lowest denominator ain't twenty-four it's six."

I feel my eyebrow rise, looking up from that word, and see him pointing at Cassius's paper, feeling my mouth open.

I see Cassius nod, see him put a line through this work, and start rewriting the problem, feeling my smile.

I exhale, happy, seeing Cassius writing it out slowly, and hear him say, "Why you doing that? Just erase that sh, mean just erase it and do it again."

I see Cassius look up at Cairo with his eyebrow raised and he says, "Jazmine said to not erase it cuz then we can't see our mistakes and teacher can't see how much work we did so I'm gonna just do it again next to it."

I exhale, feeling my smile, and see Cassius look back down at his paper, hearing him thank Cairo, and know this day is turning out to be awesome, and he's been nice, just sitting there, surprising me when he's said something to help the kids, and I hear Armani ask me what a word means.

I look over at him, feeling my small smile seeing him looking at me like that, how nice his eyes are because of those long eyelashes, and hear Isaiah ask me if I can check a problem for him.

I look over at him, see him looking at me, see that cute confused look on him, noticing he's been acting sweet and cute this whole time, more than last time, asking me more questions, and hear Armani say he asked first.

I see Isaiah look over at Armani, see him inhale, and hear that voice say, "You'll two tripping if you think you close to getting with her when you'll little kids to her."

I see Isaiah look over at Cairo, hearing Armani inhale I think, seeing Isaiah smirk looking at Cairo, feeling my eyebrow rise, not knowing what's happening, and Isaiah says, "But 'least she wanna talk to me, been looking at me, helping me, and you only here cuz you made her to let you stay, tryin' to talk to her when she ain't even wanna talk to you, thinkin' some'ng gonna happen with her, and I know she older, know she sixteen cuz I asked her sister, her sister who likes me, been showing her I can ball and I'ma make it to college cuz I'ma keep tryin', not doing nothing dumb to stop my balling and getting good grades, not cursing a lot cuz Jazmine don't like that, she likes nice guys, guys who don't curse and know stuff, but you."

I see Isaiah exhale and he says, "You still here, tryin' to act like you ain't lookin' too, tryin' to act you not tyin' to get with her, when even I can see you are man, and."

I hear Cairo inhale, maybe annoyed, feeling my smirk looking at Isaiah puffing up his chest I think, and he says, "And I'ma shoot my shot when I'm older and she keeps coming on her vacations cuz that's what she said she gonna do, and I'ma get my shot, you'll see, cuz I know how to get there, but you ain't got a clue how to get there, putting up this front, so who the real little kid?"

I hear Cairo start and I look over at him.

I see him look at me, see him exhale looking at me, and hear another voice say, "I'ma shoot my shot too."

I look over at Armani, see him looking at me with that blush, those bright dark eyes, feeling confused, trying to keep up with what they're all saying about 'shooting their shot', and hear Cassius say, "They mean tryin' to get with you Jazmine and you'll tripping cuz she with that guy, Escobar's brother I think."

I feel my mouth open, remembering some of the things I've heard on TV, from my sister, but not hearing that way of saying it in a long time, remembering 'shooting their shot' means trying to date someone or 'get with me' like Cassius just said.

I exhale, feeling my small smile seeing Armani looking at me with those long eyelashes, knowing he's probably going to be really cute when he's older, and I say, "Guys, don't do that, don't think of me like that when I know you're cute enough even now to have a few girls at your school that probably like you so you shouldn't wait to you know, shoot your shot with me, just date whoever likes you and you like and treat her nice, be good guys, open doors for them, do that gentleman stuff you know we like and you probably think isn't very guy'sh but do it anyways because we like it, and I promise you will all just forget about me, hopefully think about me as an older sister that likes helping you because it makes me really happy, like I got really happy when I saw both Cassius and my little."

I look over at him, see him looking at me, feeling my smile, and I hug him.

I feel him exhale and I say, "My little Isaiah walking in with their backpacks ready to study and get even smarter and."

I let go of him, feeling him letting go of me, and I turn, seeing her giggling at her book, feeling my smile, and I hug Talia and say, "When I saw my little Talia and Armani coming back after they left home right now, not knowing for sure if they were gonna come back, but they did."

I exhale and say, "You came back with your backpacks ready to study, making me super happy."

I feel her hug me, kissing her head, not knowing how I got so lucky, feeling her moving her head on my chest, and hear a voice say, "You really were happy when we came back, for reals?"

I look up, letting go of Talia, turning to him, seeing those pretty eyes with those eyelashes on Armani, and I smile and say, "Of course, I was really happy, and you're making me even happier now with all the questions you've had about history, what some of those words in your history book mean, and you're right, you did ask me first and that's what we're here to do, to learn, so tell me what word that was that you were asking me about, and then."

I look over at Isaiah, see him exhale, annoyed I think, making me giggle, and I say, "And then I promise to spend time looking at your problem, step by step, okay, please Isaiah, and you'll be one of my best friends forever?"

I see him roll his eyes, looking away, blushing I think, and he says, "A'ight."

I feel my smile, stand up, walking over to Armani, get to him, and see him point at the word,

seeing the sentence it's in and the title of the chapter.

I exhale, remembering, looking over at the court, seeing Riley holding that little kid, a little boy, maybe four years old, lifting him to the hoop, knowing he's going to be a really good dad one day, and I look back at Armani.

I see that confused look on his face, smile at him, and say, "That's a hard word but when they say the newly arrived Europeans enabled the continued suffering of the native Americans that began with the previous Europeans it means that those new Europeans could have stopped how the Europeans that had already settled there were treating the native Americans, taking their lands, killing them with diseases and stealing their food and animals, even stealing their little kids to make them go to schools to make them more European even if those little kids didn't want that, they wanted to live with their families, but those new Europeans didn't stop the other Europeans that were already there from doing that, instead they maybe even helped them, enabled them, bringing them more guns, more gun powder, to keep stealing from native Americans, stealing their food and kids from them, and that's what enables means."

I see him nod with this mouth open and he says, "The book ain't said nothing 'bout the Europeans taking kids."

I exhale, nod, and say, "That's probably because that book was made years ago, before they started adding more to history books, being more accurate my history teacher told us last year, and my history teacher even says Christopher Columbus was a murderer, I think he said nothing more than a murderer, and I believe my teacher because he's a really smart and good person, like you."

I see Armani nod, see him smile, really smile, and I hear that voice say, "Jazmine?"

I look over at Isaiah, nod, walking over to him, and hear that voice say, "Jazmine, can you, um?"

I nod, getting to Isaiah, sitting down, look over at Cassius, and see him looking at me.

I smile at him and say, "I'll go over there, promise, but maybe see if hopefully someone that's been helpful can help you while I'm helping Isaiah, and then I'll go and check it okay?"

I see him nod, see him look up at Cairo, and I look down at Isaiah's paper, looking at that problem, doing it myself slowly to make sure I get it right, knowing this is perfect, everything is perfect, and I'm so happy I'm not worried anymore.


I see him sit up and put my foot on his chest and push him back down, seeing him up close, like we did last week when he walked out of the building as we were walking in, and I inhale.

I feel his shoulder move, knowing what's coming, and I step on his hand.

I hear him scream, going down, with my weight on that hand, knowing I could sprain it, grabbing that hat from him and shove it in his mouth.

I see that hand come up from my left, grab it, and twist it back, hearing him scream into the hat.

I exhale, knowing now, now she has nothing to worry about, and I'm going to kill him.

I feel him push up and I push down on his chest, hearing him inhale, knowing that must be pain he's feeling.

I inhale, knowing what I wanted the moment I saw him, told them to make sure everyone got inside and I wanted to do this alone, knowing what I wanted was information before I killed him, and say, "I'm not killing you, yet."

I see his eyes get wider, see them become slits, and say, "But I will and it can be slow or quick, you get to choose."

I feel that push under my foot, push back down on his hand with my foot, seeing his eyes get big, and know the muscles in that hand are sprained, and say, "I could break it, just move again."

I feel his chest shaking under my foot, see him exhale, giving him those seconds he needs to figure out his next decision, his entire fucken life if he needs to, and see him nod.

I exhale and say, "First, you're telling me who sent you because you were sent based on the fact that I've never seen you before, precisely last fucken week when we were walking into the building, aside from seeing you in all those fucken pictures."

I exhale, trying to calm down, enough to get information from him before I make him scream again, remembering that hand on my back last night, the one that was trying to help me relax when she was showing me those pictures, the pictures her friends and her took with their phones, the ones of us walking to the store several times, the ones from the times we've gone to the shelter to help Caesar, the ones from the day we all went to DuSable, the ones from the restaurants we all went to, the ones from the days we met with those companies, the ones from the times we've walked to the park to get to the community center, the ones from the day they had that basketball game with Loretta and those girls, all those pictures with him in them, all those damn pictures with this fucken asshole in the background, following them, watching them, looking up at that camera two feet away from his head, small enough to hide in his hand, the one he dropped when I saw him, instructed my brother and friends, followed him, cornered him, and he slipped, a camera that more than likely has pictures of us from today, pictures of her, and I push down with my foot on that hand.

I hear him scream, hearing the noise ten feet away, the noise of people, children, walking in and out of that building, the reason she's here, because her focus is children and she wanted to be here to meet those kids, and say, "Then you're going to tell me everything you know about their motive, why they sent you, and if you lie."

I inhale, twisting that arm a quarter inch more, seeing him inhale, and see him nod.

I exhale and say, "I'm going to remove this from your mouth but if you scream I'll punch you significantly hard, enough you'll lose teeth and could be unconscious thereafter, meaning I'll have no use for you then and will just dispose of you, do you understand?"

I see him nod, feeling his chest shaking, knowing the sign of fear, what I need him to feel, and I remove the hat from his mouth, hearing those footsteps behind me, the ones that belong to them.

I see him exhale and he says, "I'll talk sir, I'll talk, just please, let me stand and I'll talk."

I feel my eyebrow rise, knowing that accent just as any American that watches any amount of TV would, and hear Caesar say, "You English man?"

I see that white guy look over me, see him nod, and he says, "Yes sir, 'course I am, a private investigator, and I'd appreciate it if this boy let go of me and stopped twisting my hand back, enough I'm sure it's broken."

I exhale and hear my brother say, "Damn, even them English call us boys, you be calling us niggers too?"

I inhale, knowing that's an American name for us but other cultures do use it in order to fit into the American stereotype they all so fucken crave fitting in to, seeing that white guy I'm holding down look up to my left, see him exhale, and he says, "No sir, we don't use those savage American names, I called him a boy because he's not an adult based on the information I have on him, now please, I'm in excruciating pain, so please step off of me and I will tell you what you want to know."

I exhale and say, "I couldn't care less where you're from, if it's an island off of this or another country, you run, I will chase you down, I will catch you, and I will brake both your hands."

I see him exhale, see him nod, I let go, stepping off of him.

After he's up, at this distance, I can see he's in his mid-forties, possibly, white, but I couldn't care less. If he runs, I will brake both his hands.

I see him exhale, thinking, and see him look behind me, knowing my brother and Hiro are to my left, Caesar's to my right, which means Waldo and the rest should be inside, where she is, with her, safe, and I exhale.

I see him look away, seeing him put pressure on the hand I twisted, and he says, "I was hired by a young lady, one of your disposition."

I feel my eyebrow rise, exhale, not wanting to spend more time on this than necessary having to be politically correct, and say, "You mean she was black, what else, give me her damn name?"

I see him look at me, see he looks surprised, possibly at what I asked, and say, "I don't have time for this, tell me who the hell she is and what she wants, now."

I see him nod with his eyebrow raised and he says, "I apologize, she said you were mildly well-spoken, but said the others would not be, but she didn't say you would be this forward or violent."

I exhale, getting fucken tired, feeling my eyebrows lower, and say, "I will hurt you, I will, now talk."

I see him exhale and he says, "Fine, I can answer one of your questions and that is that she said she wanted to know your whereabouts, those of you sir and the young lady, your friend, having me take pictures of both of you when you're part of any activities, which I did to the upmost of my abilities, including having to take pictures of the other young people you came here with today if they happen to be involved in those activities, that was her motive in hiring me, to show her your whereabouts, what she intends to do with that information is not for me to know, and that is all I can answer."

I inhale and say, "And what is her damn name?"

I see him inhale and he says, "Giving you that information would mean having to go against my license as a private investigator, even in the event of being found, we are to remove ourselves from the case, receive the pay for the work we have done, and not bring any harm to those who hired us, which of course means I cannot," and I feel that vibration in my knuckles and feel my exhale through my chest, seeing him fall down, back onto the floor, and I move up to punch him until he talks or bleeds or both, hearing them telling me to stop, and feel those long arms going around me, those arms.

I stop and exhale feeling those long arms around me, those hands on my chest, moving up and down on my chest, and hear that voice say, "Bestie stop, please, let him go, please."

I inhale, feeling those arms holding me, seeing him getting up, wiping his mouth, seeing him looking at me with wide eyes, possibly with fear, and he says, "I explained I cannot give you that information and you hit me, after everything else you did, what kind of treatment is that!"

I exhale feeling those arms holding me and hear Caesar say, "You following people, taking pictures of them, even if you getting paid for it, and taking pictures of kids man, cuz you're right, we ain't adults so that shit's gotta be illegal, fucken creepy, and you talking 'bout how you being treated?"

I inhale, feeling that head going under my arm, seeing him look at her under my arm, feeling her moving from under me, and I put my arm on that waist, holding it, not letting her go further.

I hear that exhale under me, see him looking at her with his raised eyebrow, feeling her moving, possibly pulling something out of her pocket, and feel my eyebrow rise seeing that soft hand with all that optimism giving that white guy a napkin.

I see him inhale, raising his chin, see him nod, and see him grab it, hearing him thank her.

And I hear my brother say, "Just go man, 'least we know who you are, know what you look like and it 'on't matter, we'll take care of 'em."

I exhale, knowing he has grown up some, some I'm proud of, and hear Hiro say, "But you show again, we'll kill you next time, 'least where you got broken bones everywhere."

I see that guy exhale, looking at them to my left, possibly mad, not caring if he is mad, seeing him wiping that blood from his mouth, and hear that voice say, "I want to apologize."

I feel my eyebrow rise, squeezing that waist next to me, and see that guy, possibly as surprised as I am, looking at her, and he says, "I'm sorry."

I feel that exhale in that waist, seeing that guy nod at her, and hear that voice under me say, "I want to apologize because we're all a little stressed with everything we've been doing, visiting here, seeing family, going to places, doing a lot that's been great, really great, specially the guys, helping at the shelter, the companies we've visited, taking care of family, and believe me, I've known them all for a long time, even Caesar and Hiro who are the best friends Huey and Riley could have, I know they're all really good guys, they never hit or curse at people unless those people are jerks or they're scared those people are going to do something to people they care about, why Huey hit you and my brothers, all of them, because I kind of consider all of them my brothers by now, why they said anything mean to you, if they said anything mean before I got here, so I want to apologize for them, and I hope you don't press charges for what happened here because what you did, taking pictures of us, was also illegal, I'm sure my mom can help us with that, since we're all minors, and I really don't want any more problems for my mom, my sister, us, I just don't, I also don't want Huey or any of my brothers to hit you again because no matter what they say they're really nice guys and don't like hitting people and I'm sure you probably saw how nice they are if you really followed us that much, and I know they would be apologizing right now to you sir but they're all just stressed, I know it, so I want to apologize for them, I do, and if you need anything for your injuries, like bandages or a first aid kit I think I can ask the community center for one and I'll treat you like they taught me at the nursing home where I work back home, if you want, because unless they're being jerks I know my friends and me never want to see anyone going home bleeding like that so let me help you before you go, please, as a sort of apology from my friends?"

I exhale, trying not to, but failing at not feeling that warmth in my stomach as I'm holding that waist, see that white guy nod, possibly smile at that Jazmine head, and he says, "Yes young lady, that would be nice, and this is possibly the nicest any American has treated me, and to answer that question your friends had, the name of the young lady that hired me is Dolores Andrews, which I won't be working with anymore based on the kind of work she hires for and her very much condescending manner which all Americans with class tend to have, now you lead the way please."

I feel her nod and I look down at her to look at her, just look, nothing more, and see her look up at me with that smile.

I feel my exhale, knowing I'm not leaving her side while she treats him or does anything else for the rest of this damn day.


I bite that neck, feeling her inhale, squirming under me, and hear her say my name.

I exhale, kissing that place, that place I just bit, not enough, the place I wanted to kiss since I started waking up those mornings thinking about her, not hard yet, like I am right now, just thinking about her, that whiny voice, kissing her there, in that place she lets me kiss now, under me, where she belongs, as chauvinistic as that sounds, and say, "I've been thinking about kissing you here since I moved away from this place, before you got me this hard."

I feel those legs open, closing my eyes, kissing that neck, moving over that warmth, and hear her say, "Well I've been wanting to kiss you since I was ten, before I even liked boys, so I win."

I push down, biting that neck, and hear that moan.

Fuck.

I move up, exhale, shaking, knowing this is too far, and it's only weeks now, only fucken weeks, seeing her breathing with that darker green, that darker Egyptian green looking at me, and I close my eyes, trying to relax before I do something I won't regret and will happily, like a fucken hormonal teenager, face, trying to not remember what it feels like to be inside of her, and exhale, shaking, feeling those hands on my face.

I feel those hands moving over my face, those soft hands, and hear that voice say, "I'll talk about stuff, and help you calm down, okay?"

I nod, inhale, coming back down, higher this time, enough she won't feel how hard I am between those legs, knowing I should get up, go to the bathroom, jackoff, and then come back, but I don't want to, I want this, and say, "Talk about anything."

I feel those hard nipples over my chest, inhale, hearing her apologize, and say, "It's fine, just talk."

I hear that exhale, smelling that breath I'm trying to not taste again, and hear that voice say, "Thank you for trusting me today."

I inhale, exhale, remembering walking to the entrance of that building, hearing her talking to that white guy about how much she wants to visit England one day, and saw him.

I remember taking that step, feeling that soft hand grab my hand, feeling that pull back, along with Caesar's hand on my shoulder, and hearing that voice tell me to trust her, that he didn't do anything, and she had told him he could stay.

I exhale and say, "I trust you but I will never trust him."

I hear that exhale and hear that voice say, "Even if it's me and you know me?"

I inhale, opening my eyes, seeing those eyes looking at me, knowing that came out wrong and I shouldn't have opened my eyes, seeing those freckles in the moonlight, swallowing that sweet taste that is my failure at not controlling myself better than this, and say, "It's not you Jazzy, it is not you, it's him, no matter what you think, how much you see that's not there, it's not, he will."

I inhale, feeling those hands on my neck, seeing that small smile, not caring about what I was going say, and she says, "You think he's always gonna like me."

I exhale and say, "No, I don't think that fucken idiot's always going to like you, I know, possibly because in some ways, and I hate this, but I understand how some feelings work, some, how they function to help or break down a person, like pain, the way it breaks some that are too weak, where they lash out at others, like you never did no matter what you were going through, and I did when I would push you away."

I see that mouth open, exhale at that Jazmine head, see her close that mouth with that small smile, exhale knowing she knows me that well, and say, "And like I know other feelings now, at least more than I used to, more than I possibly wanted to know, feelings I didn't think could originate from me, feelings that come with their own kind of logic, like the feeling of being a fool that's happily in love and knows it's the reason he's as sane and as happy as he is today, so."

I see that smile, feeling my smile, and say, "So, I know, in some way."

I exhale, go down, and kiss those lips, feeling her hugging me, trying to finish that thought I need to finish, feeling those long arms around me, thinking about what I know, kissing that soft face, and say, "I know because I watch him enough to know he feels some sort of way like that, whether it comes from selfish reasons like my own, because you make me happy, or from more selfless reasons, like how much better you make this world I sometimes still do not see a point in, and."

I kiss those lips, remembering after she helped that white guy, I felt my eyebrow rise seeing him hand her his camera letting her see the pictures he took so she would know what he would be showing that crazy girl when he went to collect his paycheck. Then we saw him leave, we walked back into the gym, saw her sister and friends all hug her, saw them let go of her, saw them walk up to me, feeling my eyebrow rise, and felt them all hug me, annoyed at their show of affection, and heard them say they were worried about me too and to not do that again, and saw him there at that table, knowing he hadn't fucken left after he walked away from me at the entrance of the building, seeing him looking at her talking to some of those kids, not giving a shit that I was looking at him, wanting to drag him out to find the closest and steepest fucken cliff.

I exhale, kissing that soft face, relaxing, opening my eyes to see that face, trying to finish that thought again, seeing those eyes closed, trusting me, and say, "And more so than that, I know one day I'll beat him again because he possibly thinks he feels like I do about you and you being as Jazmine as you can be at times only makes it worse."

I see those eyes open, knowing my thoughts, what I know, wanting to tell her to not give him any kind of chance to hurt her, knowing he's a fucken idiot and will hurt her, even if I kill him after, because by then it won't matter because what will matter will be that I let him hurt her, like he has many times, but she continues to do this, to let him sit near her, seeing that smile, and she says, "Bestie, don't worry so much, please, and I don't think any of that's gonna happen, that he likes me like that or he'll feel anything for me later and you two will, you know."

I see her exhale, smelling that breath, seeing that worried look, and she says, "Hurt each other, and I'm just gonna make sure of that by making sure I'm always around to shoot people or flip them over or hurt them with weapons or maybe give them handkerchiefs so we can make friends and not enemies, okay, and I belong to you."

I exhale, feeling myself relaxing, no longer feeling as hard, relaxed, knowing she's helping in whatever Jazmine ways she is, and say, "I know, now tell me more because it's helping."

I see that smile, see that blush, wanting to kiss her again until I feel satisfied for tonight, but I like to and want to hear her talk and it's helping, and she says, "I didn't tell you about Mrs. Ethel and grandson."

I feel my eyebrow rise and nod, knowing they were there, and I greeted her, not wanting to interrupt what was happening there.

I see her exhale with that smile, knowing this might be entertaining, and she says, "Well, you saw Lena helping everyone right?"

I nod and say, "Yes, at least I saw your phone on the table and heard those kids talking to her about some math problems, why?"

I see that full smile on those lips, feeling my smirk, knowing this will be entertaining, and she says, "Well I know you don't like details, but basically," and I kiss her, pushing myself in between those legs, hearing her inhale, and hear her say, "Bestie, what are," and I grab that face, kissing her, kissing that small nose, that big forehead, and say, "I told you to talk, which means include details."

I feel her inhale, feeling those nipples on my chest, getting hard, not caring, and hear her say, "Okay bestie, so details. When I was helping Isaiah with his homework…"

I exhale, feeling my smile, possibly, hearing that voice talking, knowing I was right, continue to be right about many things about myself, not her, just myself, having that feeling, knowing I was right about not wanting to fight it all by myself, wanting her here, by my side, following her to college or her following me, fighting for my people, the communities, the children we're fighting for, through education, professional careers, wanting that security in a country full of corruption and idiots running it, saving up for a house where they can have a back and front yard to play in, books on every, every, because there were many, activists that were killed by this government, no longer feeling sore after she uses those soft hands on me, the ones I can feel under my shirt, hearing her talk, wanting her to still want to stay for all of that, have a say in my goals, how I will manage them, the goals that include helping black children, black and brown children, poor children, the ones that shouldn't grow up in this damn country the way it is, wanting to hear her talk about all of that, all of it, knowing I was right about this feeling, this feeling right now that's better than I thought was possible for me here in Chicago, ever.


I exhale, hearing them talking, having this feeling that everything's good, everything's perfect, no matter what, here in Chicago, better than that, better than perfect, because it's true.

I inhale, smelling that vanilla lotion, and hear her say, "Yes!"

I feel my eyebrow rise, open my eyes, hearing them laughing, feeling that braid I was doing in that dark bouncy hair moving with her laughing, and see Harold 'go for it', kissing Maria, feeling myself giggling with them, seeing Harold kissing Maria, and then I see him step back, apologizing, sort of, hearing my sister and friends cheering for Maria to do it, and see her say 'fuck it' and kiss Harold back, feeling my smile, laughing at how that's the best scene ever, hearing my sister singing to 'I wanna get next to you.'

I exhale, watching the movie, hearing them exhale, laying back down on that shoulder that smells like vanilla, watching one of our favorite movies, and hear that sweet deep voice say, "Read other day people like Harold and Maria, you knows, people that ain't supposed to be together now happens lot more, like a shit load more."

I exhale, smiling, watching the credits now that the movie ended, and say, "I hope so because that means kids that are little right now will be able to be with whoever they want to be with later, no matter what they look like, where they come from, how many different languages they speak, like us."

I hear them exhale, feeling my smile, knowing that sounds right, it does, thinking about those little kids, feeling my smile at how cute they were, thinking about the two little girls and the two little boys who were there playing and reading at the shelter in Woodcrest and we got to talk to for a little bit yesterday morning, on our Sunday morning when we called them, knowing I can't wait to see them, I can't, even if we're all having fun here getting to know more little kids, all those kids we hung out with two days ago on Saturday at the community center, and hear that voice next to me ask me if I'm thinking about them.

I nod and say, "I am, it was just a lot of fun and I kind of want to be here longer."

I hear the exhales and hear Ming say, "You'll think all those little ones gonna miss us?"

I exhale, hoping a little, and hear my sister say, "'Course they will."

I inhale, leaning down on to that shoulder that smells like vanilla, feeling Ming's thick bouncy hair in my hands, hearing the music of the movie, remembering everything we talked about today, before, during, and after the movie, everything we did on Saturday, all those blocks they walked, those people they met, all the information they got that Huey and Caesar said is going to go up on the platforms for the organizations when we enter all of it, all of that information, making sure we didn't use the people's names and addresses, just the information they gave us, about how bad the streets are, how dangerous they are with those potholes, those cracks, what kind of help organizations could give them, like giving them free paint to paint their neighborhoods and get rid of the graffiti, and then everything they said they needed for their kids, like free bus passes to send them to schools in nicer neighborhoods because the ones close by are not as good, not as safe some people said, in English, Spanish, Mandarin, Japanese, other languages Huey said he knew 'some' about, that warm brain that knows how to speak a little bit of a lot of languages, and then all of them getting to the community center where Riley, my sister, and I were, my sister and me giving them water to drink, knowing something was wrong when I asked where Huey was and saw the guys look at each other, look at me, and they said he was outside and they would go get him, knowing something was wrong, and then, when people weren't looking, I ran out, going after the guys, and I saw Huey hit that guy, the one from those pictures, and exhale, hoping right now they come back soon.

I hear my sister say it again, open my eyes, seeing her looking up at me sitting on the floor next to Lauren's legs, seeing that eyebrow raised, and she says, "You praying for dumbasses you ain't supposed to be praying for or worrying 'bout sh, mean stuff, you ain't supposed to be worrying 'bout?"

I exhale, feeling Lauren and Ming giggling, smiling at my pretty sister, and say, "Just thinking I was happy nothing bad happened Saturday, well."

I roll my eyes, thinking he still hit him, and say, "Well, not that bad I guess."

I hear my sister and friends laugh, seeing my sister shaking her head, and she says, "You mean that private investigator the guys probably scared the crap outta or how ain't none of 'em kill that dick yet?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, hearing the giggling from them, see her roll her blue eyes, looking at me with that smirk, and she says, "You knows Aunt Cookie 'sleep just ain't wanna be too loud if I slip and curse some."

I exhale, feeling my smile, seeing Ming hug her, hearing her say she's only swore a little today, seeing my sister exhale, looking away, knowing she's trying really hard to not curse while we're in this house, and see her laugh with Ming hugging her and she says, "Just hard to not call him a dick cuz he is."

I nod, knowing who she's talking about now, and say, "Well even if he is it doesn't matter and yeah I am really happy that's the end of that."

I exhale, knowing I was happy the guys stayed away from him and he stayed away from the guys, helping the kids when they asked questions, and finally left when Dewey showed up, feeling happy when we saw Dewey walk into the gym.

We saw Dewey walk in, walked up to him, and hugged him, not knowing why I like Dewey so much now, seeing my sister and friends all hug him or dab him, seeing Cairo standing there looking away while we all said hi and talked to Dewey. And then, feeling kind of bad that we all now get along with Dewey but not him and remembering how helpful he really was with the kids, I thanked him.

I saw Cairo look at me, saw him nod, I think exhale, and he thanked me for helping his mom. And then they left.

I hear Lauren ask me if he really didn't bother me before they all got there.

I put my head back on that shoulder and say, "No, just sat there and helped the kids with some of their math problems and he was kind of, I don't know, nice, calm, I guess."

I feel her nod and hear her say, "Well, I hope, and I don't want to jinx you Jazzy, but I hope the way he was acting, because he was acting nicer, isn't because he still likes you."

I exhale, moving my hands through that thick healthy hair and hear Ming say, "And I hope it ain't cuz of what you said happen with his mom week before."

I feel my eyebrow rise, confused about what Ming just said, open my eyes, see my sister and Ming smirking at me, confusing me more, and my sister says, "Jazzy boo Mimi's and Laurie butt saying cuz you were all nice and shit with his mama it's probably gonna make him think, and I'ma say this hoping I ain't jinxing you too, that you even better than he 'ready thinks, shit, maybe even thinks just cuz you were nice to her that some'ng really gonna happen between you two even if we all know he damn wrong."

I shake my head at my silly sister and friends and I say, "Like I told Huey, I don't think Cairo likes me like that and anyways you all said he was on a date at the movies and he's talking to Michelle still so I know he's seeing other girls and that's a good thing."

I see that eyebrow rise, see Ming move into my view with that confused face, feel Lauren move, and see her turn to me with that raised eyebrow, and I feel my small smile, rolling my eyes, remembering I didn't tell them about that because it wasn't important, and I say, "Before you all got there and while you, sis, and Riley were at the court with the kids I heard Cairo get up and he said he was gonna check the building to see if that guy was there and he left, then."

I exhale, seeing them all nod, feeling my small smile, and say, "Then I thought I heard my phone vibrating on the table, so I picked it up, looked at it, and saw that I had picked up another phone, a phone I saw Cairo put on the table, and saw that a girl named Michelle was calling him and saw some text messages that I was happy I couldn't read because I put it down right away."

I see them all nod with those cute confused faces and hear Ming say, "So he still a man whore?"

And now we're all laughing, again.

I exhale, grabbing my cup from the table, seeing that it's empty, and hear my sister say she's going to go make more tea for us.

I get up, seeing her grabbing hers and Ming's cups, and I grab mine and Lauren's cups and I say, "I'll help, you two relax."

I start walking behind her, seeing that long pretty hair that's down in those waves right now because Ming was playing with her hair, following my pretty sister into the kitchen, and hear that voice, that voice singing, feeling my smile.

And I start laughing hearing them singing together to Rose Royce's I wanna get next to you, shaking my head at how cute they are, hearing my sister putting the cups on the table, and feel her take the cups from my hands.

I walk over to the stove, grab the teakettle, and move it over to the sink to fill it with water, making sure to not splash any water into pop's place where he's working.

I hear them singing, laughing at their cuteness, hearing them laughing with me now, and hear pop's say, "I don't necessary see very much substance in that movie, two boys trying to get to a fast food place and their adventures getting there, but some of the music is good."

I giggle, filling up the teakettle, and say, "You're such a dad pop's."

I inhale, knowing that felt right to say but I don't know if I should've said that because of his daughter, how she, and I see that hand grab the sink handle and push it down, shutting the water off.

I exhale, seeing that hand come up and feel it on my shoulder, and hear him say, "That's because you two make it extremely easy to be one and I had a lot of practice with my nephew, and I'd like you to make me tea too."

I exhale and smile, trying to not sniffle, hoping, a lot, that we help him be happy, at least a little, so he's not so sad about his daughter, his little girl, and hear my sister say, "Why you ain't using a new one pop's?"

I look over at her, see my sister standing on his other side looking at the record he's cleaning, and

I look up at him, feeling him take his hand from my shoulder.

I look down at the record, I think one of the records he bought when he went out with mom today, knowing he likes cleaning them when he gets new ones, not knowing if he's keeping this one for himself or if he's going to sell it in his store, and I hear him say she's right and he forgot.

I look up at him and inhale, seeing him blink looking at that record, seeing that his hair's longer because he hasn't gotten a haircut in a while, he's only made sure that Caesar and Hiro got their fades and trims after Caesar's mom and Hiro's parents and Hiroko left, but he hasn't gone to get a haircut for himself maybe because he's been busy, first with Caesar's mom before she left back to Jamaica and then with us, going with us anywhere we wanted, the store, restaurants, records stores and other places with mom, just staying with us, and only being away at night when he's at his apartment with Caesar, and then coming over here in the morning every day to have breakfast and hang out with us, I think helping mom with that stuff I'm not thinking about, the stuff mom told my sister and me to not think about, seeing him putting that wet napkin in the sink, grabbing a new one from the Viva paper towels he bought that he says are softer than regular paper towels and he can use with the Dawn dish soap to clean records, wetting the new paper towel with some soap, and then moving it around the record where the music is, making sure to not wet the label of the record.

And I see him going around the record with that wet paper towel slowly to clean it, making sure to not scratch it, knowing he uses a clean paper towel for each side of the record, because he says that's the best way to clean records, something he does every day at his store when they bring in good records that he can sell for a lot of money and sometimes he does it at home, like here, knowing he hasn't cut his hair or missed any day coming here since that morning, that morning we watched that video we're not thinking about, seeing him going around that record with that paper towel slowly, here at home, something he says he does to not worry so much, to relax, cleaning records, and I hug him, closing my eyes.

I feel him exhale, feeling my sister hugging his other side, feeling her hands over me, and hear my sister say, "Why you worrying so much that you ain't cleaning records like you supposed to pop's?"

I feel him moving, I think laughing a little, feeling my smile, knowing we're all okay, and I hear him say, "Because I was right about a feeling I had before we left and although I don't feel it right now, that feeling, not as much anyways, it's still there, telling me I need to be alert to protect my girls, no matter how much I know you can defend yourselves, because you don't need to see the crazy that does exists out there, you don't, why I possibly feel this anger, because you saw some, as strong as you are and can take care of yourselves, you saw some of that, having already gone through too much, and did not need to see that, go through that, and I worry I'm not doing enough, even if your mother says I am doing enough, I know I'm not."

I exhale, hugging him, thinking he's talking about a lot of things, things we're not supposed to be talking about, things that he went through, his heartbreak mom called it once I think when she was talking to Ashley's mom, his daughter, his little girl passing away when she was a baby, sniffling, remembering he said he doesn't look for her in other children, but my sister and me kind of help in keeping her little soul from leaving him completely I think and I think he wants that, sniffling, and I say, "Don't be sad dad, we're okay, I promise," and I hear my sister say, "Yeah and we ain't going nowhere so you ain't gotta worry and anyways if we do go somewhere we'll always make sure we drag you with us, maybe down like an isle where you be walking us, you know, even if that kinda gay, you know, not gay, gay, but you know, way too damn girly, walking down some damn isle in some white dress or some shit, holding flowers and all that and holding on to you cuz we gonna fall on those Louie V shoes that we be wanting to wear just cuz we been thinking 'bout it since we was like five but all that shit ain't even matter cuz we gonna be holding on to you cuz we making sure we drag you there and you can't say no dad or I'ma be hella pissed got it?"

And I can't help it, laughing, hugging them, hearing them laughing, laughing at my cute sister talking about dad, because that's what we called him, talking about him walking down an isle with us when we're wearing a white dress and Louis Vuitton shoes, hearing him say he'll make sure to be there and will make sure to take care of his girls, and I hear that voice say, "We're back sweethearts."

I turn around, seeing her walking in with the guys, seeing Huey, Riley, Caesar, and Hiro carrying the take-out food they went to pick up for us at that Thai restaurant, remembering the guys all went because Huey and Riley wanted to go with her to make sure 'she got there safe' they said, knowing they just wanted to take care of her, and then Caesar and Hiro said they would go too to make sure Huey and Riley didn't beat up any guys that looked at her.

And I look at her, how pretty she is shaking her hair out of that scrunchy, her short hair she said she wanted me to do for her last week because she likes how it feels light and she likes how easy it is to maintain and she gets to have any hairstyle she wants today because we don't let people make us cry anymore, we have each other, all of us, and the women in our little family are stronger than any fear and any coldness, and I see her smile at us, feeling that arm around my shoulders, feeling protected, seeing those pretty eyes shining like that North Star, knowing I'm not going to ask about that, I'm not, because she told us to not think about any of that, to have fun here, smile, having fun with our friends, our boyfriends, family, working at doing all of that, seeing my mommy's pretty shinny baby blue eyes shimmering, and she says, "Everything's fine babies, I promise, and what do I say about lying?"

I feel my smile and hear my sister say, "Do it and you a pussy?"

And I see that pretty smile seeing mom looking at my sister and see her start laughing.

I feel that hand on my shoulder moving, hearing Leo, pop's, who my sister and me called dad today, laughing, hearing my sister laughing, seeing Ming and Lauren hugging Caesar and Hiro around their waist, hearing everyone laughing, hoping we don't wake up Grandad and Aunt Cookie, and I look over at him.

And I see that cute smirk on him, that smile, making me smile, knowing he says something like that, that people that lie are weak, mom says we just don't lie to people, and my sister says if you lie you're a 'pussy,' and know they're all right, seeing that smile on him, and know no matter what we're going to keep having fun tonight, not thinking about stuff we shouldn't be thinking about, just having fun, because that's what mom said we're here to do.


I continue reading the article, one about a theory, or rather the historian's opinion based on the history of protests, about the double standard that exists when black, brown, people of color protest and when white people protest or rather, in today's contexts, when Black Lives Matter protest for black and people of color's equality in this nation, when we protest for our lives, and when white people riot because of unfounded ideas, conspiracy theories, and because they're just fucken racist white people that do not like the fact that the next administration could bring changes, changes that are necessary, necessary for us to live, feeling that possible dejection I feel when I think about the history of this country, white-supremacy being part of the fabric of this nation, where we are still viewed as criminals because we are no longer 'managed' through slavery, because if we're not slaves being forced to work to death for them we're criminals who refuse to work and want to live off of other's work, stealing, killing, suffering, dying, and those that hung us still in the early twentieth century, those racists who lynched us, murdered us, are able to riot, destroy, kill us, take from us, and I hear her laughing, what they want to take from me, because to them she looks too white when she's not.

I exhale, hearing that laugh, hearing them all enjoying themselves, focusing on today, right now, hearing that laugh, that laugh that belongs to me even if I know how this world works, this racist world, people do not belong to each other, she truly does not belong to me regardless of how I feel, and I don't care, as I continue reading the article in today's newspaper.

And then I smell the burning coal, knowing what's to come, again.

I inhale, smelling the burning coal, remembering the smell that will soon permeate the atmosphere, like the very first day we got here, and I grab that bottle of water.

I exhale, taking that drink, hearing her say she tickles for far less, hearing them laughing, and I put the bottle of water back down on the ground and I look at her, to just look, nothing more.

I exhale possibly longer, seeing her, knowing she's having that Jazmine fun with them, seeing her tickling that girl, and I hear the sound.

I see her stop, see her turn to me, and see those greens look at me.

I exhale, knowing everyone else is too far out to hear that sound, seeing that smile fall, knowing she had us place that table there, closer to where I said I would be, because she wanted to be close, hearing that sound again.

I inhale, seeing that she's not laughing anymore with them, knowing everyone that should be here is here, right now, we're not expecting anyone, my family, my friends, did not invite anyone else, seeing that worried look, and I say, 'Stay.'

I exhale, seeing those greens blink, hoping, if that's what it is, that she listens because she's needed there and I want to take care of this.

I see her nod and see those lips mouth, 'Please be careful.'

I stand up, see her look up at me, and I turn around, putting the newspaper on the chair, and I walk through the door.

I walk through the kitchen, seeing the cut up fruit and sandwiches they made for them with help from Aunt Cookie who's upstairs resting after helping them this morning, as I'm walking to the front door, knowing everyone's enjoying themselves, resting, and I'm making whoever is at the door leave, right now, hearing that doorbell again, grabbing the doorknob, and I open the door.

And I feel my eyebrow rise seeing her smile.

I look down, see that boy next to her, and hear her say, "Good morning son, we were wondering if you'll had started."

I exhale, mildly confused and annoyed, and hear that voice say, "Mrs. Ethel? Donald?"

I look over at her, see that eyebrow raised, not being surprised by now that she followed me, seeing that messy bun she has, I believe no makeup, those dark pink lips, the sun shining on the face, seeing those eyes sparkle, wondering if she truly knows how beautiful she is, and hear that woman say, "Yes, wanted to know if I could bring him for that study group you all invited us to."

I see that smile on those pink lips, knowing she doesn't know how beautiful she is, seeing her nod, and she says, "Of course Mrs. Ethel, Aunt Cookie is resting but please come in and we'll make you coffee or get you some water and if you want please have sandwiches and fruit we cut up for everyone while we wait for the hamburgers our friends are grilling right now."

I exhale, knowing this is going to continue being a beneficial day, regardless of who's in this house, and hear that woman say, "That's fine, I'll just go 'head and leave him here for an hour so you'll can help him with his homework and he knows he can't eat 'til I come to take him home so he can have my bean porridge I made this morning for his lunch."

I see that small smile on those pink lips, see her nod, and hear that boy say, "Grandmother can I, I mean, yes ma'am, I be ready when you come back."

I exhale, remembering that woman's tight hold on him, as in not letting him go too far at the community center, remembering him walking her to the restroom there, possibly because that's how she's choosing to raise him or because like most black mothers, black grandmothers, they feel a need to know where their son is at all times, possibly to protect them from the real possibilities that exists in this world.

I inhale, seeing that messy bun walking away with that boy through the kitchen towards the backyard, and hear that voice asking him if he brought his English and math homework.

I exhale, wanting to follow them to hear her asking him those questions, and I look over at her again, see her looking at me, and say, "Have a good day Mrs. Ethel."

I grab the door to close it and hear that woman say, "My mind hasn't changed 'bout what I told Cookie."

I look over at her, exhale, not necessarily caring what she's talking about, remembering she's one of Aunt Cookie's friends, at least since Aunt Cookie bought this house, remembering how much I know about this woman, how during this visit we first saw her the morning we were leaving to go to the shelter where Caesar used to work, how Aunt Cookie introduced Jazmine and Cindy as my girlfriend and my brother's girlfriend to her and the other women that were going to be knitting with Aunt Cookie that morning, how all those women were cordial with them, but this woman didn't say anything, something I didn't care to remember, and then what Jazmine told me happened three days ago at the community center while we were out talking to the people in those neighborhoods.

I inhale, hearing this woman say how helpful Jazmine was that day, remembering Jazmine telling me that night, knowing whatever that Jazmine head was going to tell me was going to be entertaining, how she saw this woman and that boy walk into the gym, asked Jazmine where we were, more specifically where Ericka was, Jazmine told her we were out asking those questions, would be back soon, and she could help her and her grandson if they had questions.

I exhale, remembering Jazmine said this woman told her she would wait for Ericka who had said she would help her grandson with his math homework, even though Jazmine and Cindy were clearly helping other kids there with their math and English homework, and this woman sat down with that boy at that table and waited.

I inhale, mildly amused, remembering that Jazmine head saying she saw that boy scooting closer to her and the other kids, taking out his homework from his backpack, and finally asking Jazmine if she could help him with one problem. And after Jazmine saw she couldn't help him with some of the geometry questions he had because she had not refreshed herself on that subject she called Lena. She put her phone down on the table so those kids could ask Lena questions directly, and this woman, who is saying she was glad Jazmine called Lena that day, asked Lena how she knew Jazmine.

I inhale, remembering that voice saying Lena told this woman she knew her from school and met Jazmine after she was one of the few black girls that talked to her at our school when there were several black students there, not enough, but several, ones that also transferred through that program and others that came from wealthy black families that were already attending our school, and most of them did not talk to her when she first transferred to the school, but Jazmine did.

I exhale, remembering that smile on Jazmine the night she was telling me about that last day we were at the community center, seeing that smile knowing she was happy with that day, hearing that voice say Lena then told this woman she wasn't surprised Jazmine was doing what she was doing there, tutoring those kids, because Jazmine is a strong sister, black, white, anything she wants to be, but she's a strong sister and that's why they're friends.

I exhale, looking at this woman who just said Jazmine was helpful but she was glad she called Lena that day, seeing her distain as she's saying Jazmine's name, and say the truth, "Jazmine only called Lena because she hadn't had the time to refresh her studies on the math class your grandson is taking but she's more than capable of tutoring him in that today, seeing as the next day she had enough time to go through some tutorials."

I inhale, feeling my smirk, remembering two days ago on Sunday, the day after, walking in to the living room and seeing her taking notes while she listened to a tutorial on geometry, seeing this woman nod and she says, "That's fine and I'm sure, what with her upbringing, she can tutor in that kind of math too, but as I said before, my mind hasn't changed 'bout what I told Cookie, that her letting you'll be with girls like, those white women even if that girl says she only part white, only gonna lead you boys down a dark path."

I feel my eyebrow rise, understanding her distain finally, possibly feeling my smirk get bigger, seeing her inhale, possibly because she's getting mad, not caring, and say, "But that girl, that girl her friends call black, who calls herself a woman of color because she acknowledges that she has some white in her, is the most aware girl I know, is exactly what I want or I would not be with her, and more so than that."

I exhale, seeing her inhale, possibly angry now, truly not caring if I do anger her after how she spoke about Jazmine with that tone, remembering how I was raised, for better or for worse, and say, "If Jazmine is taking me down a dark path, I am more than aware of it, where it's taking me, and the fact is that I want to be on that path, possibly taking the lead at times to wherever it takes us, and so, because you are my aunt's friend, a woman I respect because of that and because of your age, and more so because I was raised to respect all women, I would politely ask you to not worry yourself about what path Jazmine takes me on because no one's steering me away from it."

I see her eyes open, knowing aside from her opinion on how black Jazmine is, based on that cross she's wearing, remembering Aunt Cookie saying they met through church that first week she moved here, what I just said possibly made her opinions and her Christian views angrier, not caring how much I just insulted her views, all of them, because no one talks about Jazmine like that, like she's dangerous for me, will take me anywhere but where I want to go, and I hear that voice say, "Ethel, I told you, you talking 'bout them like that only going to lead us to an argument again so you decide if our friendship is that damn important to you that you going to stop that right now."

I turn around, see her taking that first step down, and I walk up the stairs.

I help her down the stairs, see her smile up at me, and she says, "Baby how 'bout you make some coffee for me and Robert who I just went and woke, said he'd be down in a minute, and cuz I'm gonna need that coffee talking to Ethel right now 'bout some things in private here in the living room where you and my Jazzy love stay together?"

I hear that woman inhale, see that smirk on Aunt Cookie, feeling my smirk that possibly, as far as I can tell with as much certainty as I have right now, comes from my father's family, and say, "Yes Aunt Cookie, I'll make coffee for the entire house, two scoops only since I know you had coffee an hour ago."

I see her smile and she says, "Always taking care of me baby, just like your brother who said he didn't want his favorite hamburgers today, I think to make sure I wouldn't eat some, that boy."

I see her shake her head, making me possibly smile, see her inhale with her smile, possibly seeing that water in her eyes, and she says, "Now you go make me that coffee baby."

I exhale and say, "I'll bring you and Mrs. Ethel a cup in four minutes."

I see her nod with her smile and I turn to the kitchen.

I walk into the kitchen, passing the sandwiches and fruit for those kids, children, all of them, from ages ten to thirteen, and I grab the glass carafe from the coffeemaker.

I fill the carafe with water and pour it into the coffeemaker with the coffee grains, the new coffeemaker Sarah and Caesar's mother said they bought at the mall for Aunt Cookie, along with the new grill that would be delivered the next day to this house, both Sarah and Caesar's mother not accepting any payment from Aunt Cookie when she asked them how much it all cost.

I exhale, waiting for the coffee, knowing she's safe, everyone is right now, hearing those steps, feeling my smirk, and feel those arms going around me, those long arms going around my stomach, and hear her say, "You made Mrs. Ethel stay and you're making her coffee?"

I inhale, knowing now more than before that optimism she sees in me has no limit, and say, "No, Aunt Cookie asked for coffee in order to have some kind of private conversation with her about their friendship."

I feel her hug me possibly tighter, knowing her well enough, and say, "If their conversation has to do with that morning when Aunt Cookie introduced your sister and you to her or how she's treated you every time you've had any kind of interaction with her, regardless of how well you treat her grandson and how respectful you are with her, it is nothing you have to worry about because you're leaving that up to Aunt Cookie who adores you and your family and that's where you're leaving it. Do you agree?"

I feel those breasts on my back with her exhale, feeling relieved, relaxed, happy, and hear her say, "Okay, but let me put some of my sister's cookies we made last night on a plate so you can take them with that coffee and know that I want to hear you say 'adores' again soon because it sounded really cute."

I exhale, knowing I'm smiling like an idiot seeing the coffee dripping into the carafe, and say, "Yes."


I inhale, seeing them walking out, seeing that smirk on Aunt Cookie, possibly a look of satisfaction, and I look over at that woman.

I see that woman walking over to them, feeling my eyebrow rise, semi-interested, seeing her get to them, and see her say, 'Donald you eat with them, study good, and I'll come pick you up for supper.'

And I feel my smirk seeing that boy hug her, possibly jumping up and down some, and see her smile looking down at him.

I inhale, knowing, regardless of who's in this house, today is going to continue being beneficial possibly for everyone, and hear him say, "Man who tol' their asses they could show?"

I exhale, looking back down at the article, seeing where I left off, and I hear Caesar say, "You tripping when you know none of the girls care 'bout them coming?"

I hear that exhale and hear my brother say, "Know they 'on't care, but ain't cool with 'em looking, shit, I'll fuck 'em up if they do, ain't care if it's family."

I inhale, trying to not smack him over his head because he's not a kid anymore and he knows where we are regardless of how he feels about those two who might show up today, and I hear Hiro say, "Know you tripping Riley but cut that cuz Aunt Cookie out here."

I hear him exhale and hear Waldo say, "Yeah man, and ain't them being family mean something, I don't know, even if they can act stupid too? So, I don't know, just calm down man, and they might not show."

I hear him exhale, reading the article, hearing them talking about people who possibly invited themselves when they called yesterday, talked to Aunt Cookie, and she told them what we were doing today, hearing the coals burning in the grill, knowing I moved to this section of the backyard to have a view of the entire backyard, in order to see everyone, or more so now that it's closer to the afternoon and people will be coming home from work, summer school, various institutions, to have a view of the side door, possibly to see if uninvited people show up, hearing that door open, and I look up.

I see that girl walk in with two other girls this time, seeing they all look about the same age, knowing they must be her friends so they're safe, and I look back down at the newspaper, continuing to read.

I exhale, knowing to be safe either way, and say, "I don't think it's necessary but out of precaution can one of you watch those three that just walked in?"

I hear my brother say, "I'm watchin' McHater but you knows only shit that girl here for is to look over here and now she be bringing more hoes too."

I exhale, shaking my head, hearing their cackling, possibly feeling my smirk, and I hear Hiro say, "Riley, they're like what, I don't know, maybe fourteen, and you know girls only start being hoes 'bout, don't know, like when they're fifteen, 'least what I seen."

I feel myself possible laughing, some, hearing them discussing this, and hear Caesar say, "Nah bro, met some that started going 'round in middle school, you know, that crazy bitch I was with, so I'ma say thirteen man."

I hear myself laughing with them now, trying to read the article, and hear my brother say, "See, that's how I knows I still know more than all you'll, cuz for me, you'll 'member I got on the team in sixth grade, shit, minute after tryouts coach telling me he wants my ass on the team, and swear man, next year, after I got the team where I wanned them, damn almost killed 'em, some dropping out cuz they couldn't handle practice with my ass, but finally got 'em where I wanned 'em, we finally start winning that year, in seventh, and all of a sudden, got girls coming up every damn game, saying they wanna kick it after the game and shit, and 'course I did, but that's how I know, cuz I been having hoes come up since seventh, they be starting at twelve 'least man."

I feel myself laughing possibly harder, finally finishing the article, continuing on to the next page, and I hear Waldo say, "You'll tripping and can't beat me cuz end of sixth, week my girl moved here, had one that came up, told me she liked me, knew I didn't have a girl, and wanted to meet up after school behind the gym cuz wanted to fool around. Man, I ain't gonna lie I wanted too but I was scared I wasn't even gonna know what she wanted to do, but then next day I was happy I didn't do nothing with her cuz I heard she was fooling 'round with few other fools, heard she even got a name later, free-ride-Rachael."

I hear them laughing, laughing with my idiot friends, and I hear my brother say, "And then there's McHater, talkin' 'bout only being twenty-five percent out there like he knows shit, when he finally grew some last year and probably ain't know a real hoe 'til damn high school man."

I shake my head, hearing their cackling, feeling my smirk, seeing nothing new I haven't skimmed in today's newspaper, and say, "Unlike you all I won't say more than necessary but the third girl I took on a date, beginning of sixth grade, asked me to come over later that night, after only our first date, and made sure to tell me her parents wouldn't be home."

I hear their cackling continue, shaking my head at my idiot friends, and I hear my brother say, "Damn, a'ight a'ight then it's decided McHater wins this one, hoes be staring 'least beginning six grade, but for sure I'ma tell you righ' now them three there all hoes, and I bet in a minute Jazzy gonna fuck up hoe number one."

I look up, see them talking, focusing on those lips, and see those lips say, 'We're still helping them and only got through some of their math homework and we were gonna give them sandwiches and some hamburgers soon and then my sister and friends are gonna help them with their English homework, so are you sure you wanna take them home already or can they stay for a little bit more?'

I exhale, putting the newspaper down, not seeing what that other girl is saying, not caring, seeing those eyes sparkling, hearing my brother and Hiro betting on a fight, Caesar and Waldo talking about who's going to jump in to stop them, seeing that soft face possibly getting angry at whatever it is that girl is saying, and I get up, walking over to them.

I exhale, remembering how much distance I have to cover going from one end of Aunt Cookie's backyard to the other, getting to them, and hear one of those girls say, "Well we were gonna take 'em to McDonalds."

I see her inhale, walking around the table, the kids, behind her, getting to her, that slim back, and I grab those shoulders, pulling her into me.

I feel her exhale, hearing the talking, looking down at that messy bun, putting my arms around those shoulders, that chest, feeling that body tense, not shaking yet, but tense, squeezing what's mine, and say, "Calm down Jazmine."

I feel her exhale possibly longer and hear her say, "But that's not good for them to eat, maybe like every few weeks, but they should eat something healthy and we made healthy sandwiches, cut up some fruit, and if they don't want sandwiches they can eat hamburgers for protein because they need a whole balanced diet and can't get that eating McDonalds so why not let them stay, eat here, and," and I hear one of those girls say, "Look, white girl, they ain't staying."

I feel that inhale, squeezing her, knowing this will more than likely always be difficult for her to hear, ignorance from people of our community, and hear a voice say, "She not white, she black, like me, and I wanna stay."

I feel my eyebrow rise, look down at that table, see that girl looking at her math homework, the one that lives close by with her brother and I believe this girl who came to pick them up, possibly her sister, and hear that girl say, "Tali white girl ain't black, maybe mix, but she ain't black, and you telling us you don't want some McDonalds?"

I feel that inhale in the body I'm holding, trying to calm her down, knowing Aunt Cookie and that woman who hasn't left are here, watching a few feet away, and hear that girl at that table say, "No, cuz we have McDonalds all the time and I get sleepy after and don't like how I feel after, tired, and I wanna eat a sandwich and fruit and Lani you ain't gonna make us that if we go home, you just gonna get us McDonalds, and then you ain't gonna help me with my homework, like you never help me when I ask you cuz you busy all the time with your friends and why I didn't pass math class, why I gotta take it again, and I hate it, hate that I gotta take it, stupid kids at school calling me stupid cuz I gotta take it again, why Mani gotta fight with them all the time, getting in trouble, and then why he ain't pass English, cuz you never help, and I ain't stupid Jazmine said to Mani and me and I heard Cindy tell Luther he's good at English, just gotta keep reading, why he likes her I think, cuz she's nice, like Jazmine, and you're not nice to me Lani, you're mean and always with your stupid friends that ain't nice, and then I gotta go to school, and those stupid kids I hate, and, and," and I feel that body I'm holding moving, feel her presence leave me, and I see her crouch down, seeing her hug that girl.

I exhale, hearing her tell that girl it's okay and she doesn't have to leave if she wants to stay because she'll call her parents and walk her home herself, and I see that girl, twelve years old next month Jazmine said, hug Jazmine back, feeling my smirk.

I hear that inhale and hear that girl say, "Lani stop being a dumb brat and we leaving cuz I gotta do stuff so get your," and I hear another voice say, "You Ava's girls?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, look over at that woman, see her looking at that girl, and hear that girl say, "Yeah, who asking?"

I see that woman exhale, possibly angry at being disrespected again today, and she says, "Mrs. Ethel young lady and I'm asking because I see Ava every Sunday at the lord's house, tells me how her oldest acts out because of those friends she got at school this year, and I told her to bring that girl one of these days to my house so I can straighten her out, and now I see it's worse than I thought, talking to me like that, like you ain't got no morals, and then hearing you talking to your sister, hearing how you be treating her like she ain't family, like she don't need a good role model, so you coming with me right now and oh lord I'm a gonna straighten you out like I know the good lord wants, and then you going home and changing into some decent clothes, showing that belly like anyone wants to see that and like it ain't just gonna get you in trouble, so you coming right now, all of you'll, right now you hear me."

I exhale, possible knowing everyone, aside from that voice below me that's telling that girl that was crying right now to not laugh too loud, is too afraid to respond, and hear that girl say, "Um, but I ain't wanna leave my sister with some mix girl I ain't even know and," and I hear that woman say, "And who are you to be talking 'bout anyone, like the good lord saw I had to be reminded of myself right now, who are you, any one of us when we're not suppose' to judge, when that's for the good lord to do when we meet him, but you ain't him and got no business judging other people, especially when 'least I've seen today, those people, the girls here, are all trying to do what you won't do, teaching, guiding, being role models, making sure our children do well in school, and here you are, taking your sister 'way from that, taking her from my grandson who was helping with her math homework right now, and you ain't no one to stop that and to judge others. Now."

I feel my eyebrow rise, feeling my smirk, looking down at that messy bun that I know is trying to not laugh too loud, seeing that girl she's holding wiping her face with her hands, and I grab that napkin on the table, crouching down to them.

I see her turn to me, see those greens blink, and I hand her the napkin, seeing that soft confused look, and I motion to the girl.

I see her nod with that smile and see her start wiping that girl's face with the napkin, hearing that woman instructing those girls into Aunt Cookie's house, apparently to read the bible, seeing that soft hand wiping that child's face.

And I watch her, seeing her taking those curls away from that child's face, wiping her face slowly, possibly to not scratch her with the napkin, seeing that girl smiling at Jazmine, hearing the talking again, possibly talking about what just happened, seeing her taking out one of those hairbands from her pocket, and see her putting that child's hair into a bun, just as messy as hers, hearing that voice tell her to keep working on the problem she was on because she was doing great, seeing that child smile and turn back to the table, seeing her standing up, feeling myself standing up with her, seeing that small smile on those full lips looking at that girl at the table, feeling it in my stomach, that lightness she creates in me, and say the truth, "I love you."

I see her turn to me, see that smile, knowing this day has turned out to be not just beneficial for everyone, but possibly good, happy, perfect, seeing those eyes shining, and she says, "I love you too and since you're here can you maybe help me with the longer proofs to help Donald because Lena said she was gonna hang out with Phil most of the day and told me it was okay to call her if I had questions but I don't wanna call her because," and I kiss her, knowing this day has been perfect and will continue to be, hearing the giggling, possibly some groans from those other children, the boys I know like Jazmine for more than how warm she is, moving away, knowing there are children around, and see those eyes open.

I exhale and say, "Fine, I'll help, but."

I inhale, stopping myself from saying more, trying to not tell her what to do at all times of the day because this is her vacation too, knowing I'm also not as idiotic as my brother, possibly because those two do fear me, those two that are family, invited themselves and could still be showing up today, but it's her vacation too, seeing that smirk on those full lips, seeing her shake her head, and she says, "But stay close, I know bestie, or you'll follow."

I nod, feeling my smirk, my exhale, and say, "Yes."

Yeah, it's going to continue being a good day, beneficial, happy, regardless of who's here and who decides to show up even if they were not invited.


Oh my god, it has been so much fun, all day, with so many people, so many kids, so many friends, everyone we invited, everyone talking, and there's still so much we can do.

I exhale, seeing my sister catch that ball, hearing her say 'Russia,' seeing her throwing the ball to Armani, and hear him say, "South East Asia?"

I smile, hearing them laughing, seeing Armani laughing too, throwing the ball to Samuel and hear Samuel say, "Think I'm Brazil."

I exhale, hearing them, the laughing, how much I love it, knowing my sister and friends were so right about how they would love that game, having them stand in a place that would be where the country or place is in the world, moving them around every time everybody's said where they are at least once, teaching them about places in the world like that, making a game out of it where with the little kids at the shelter in Woodcrest, for sure younger than these kids, would sit there, telling them about places in the world and then they would have to remember which places we were talking about, teaching them to raise their hand to answer, because Lauren said kids at that age can't multitask like when we're older. But the kids here can multitask because they're all teenagers or almost teenagers, loving every minute of it, seeing them laughing, having fun on their break from homework, all of them, Isaiah, Cassius, Talia, Armani, Luther, Donald, Roxana, Samuel, Jesse, hearing them laughing saying those names of places in the world.

I exhale, remembering after working on their homework and studying for two hours, they ate, then hung out, and now they're playing for a little before they switch tables from the 'math table' to the 'English and everything else table,' hearing Roxana say 'Ireland,' hoping she goes there one day, visits another country, feeling my smile seeing her getting closer to Talia knowing they've been having so much fun today. And after everything they've gone through, Roxana with her brother, and Talia at school with those mean kids, I'm trying to figure out if I should talk to Talia's mom about that because she's being bullied and kids shouldn't be bullied, little girls shouldn't be bullied, not ever, not knowing what to do about that, specially because I don't want Armani getting in fights at school defending her. And then there's Roxana and her brother.

I inhale, looking at them, seeing them pass the ball, laughing, seeing Roxana who got here with Jesse and Samuel, the kids that sent that letter to the organizations, a real letter they wrote to the organizations because Huey and Caesar helped getting their dad and brothers moved to a closer jail and then the organizations gave their families information on places that were giving school supplies. And I'm so happy they told us that last week Waldo brought them stuff from Ms. Shagan's company, new backpacks, notebooks, pencils, pens, highlighters, all stuff Waldo said he got from that room at Ms. Shagan's factory where she said he could take anything while he's still going through the stuff there when he's working helping her with her appointments and throwing out supplies that don't work from that room, putting together backpacks with notebooks and pens and pencils to give out the first week of school when kids are going to need them.

I exhale, seeing Talia throw the ball to Jesse, the tallest one out of all the kids, older than all of them because he's fourteen years old but going into the seventh grade this year because he started school a year late when his family got to this country and then he didn't pass fifth grade because he didn't understand English enough, a nice boy, hearing him say 'Angola.' And I feel my small smile seeing him pass the ball to Lauren, seeing that pretty smile on her, knowing Jesse hasn't stopped looking at her because she's really pretty, hearing them all laughing, hoping anything we did today helps them a little, a lot, really hoping, hoping a lot, not knowing what else we can do, not really knowing, and I feel those arms hug me.

I exhale, sniffling a little, and hear her say, "Jazzy, don't cry, we having hella fun right?"

I nod, hugging those arms, putting my head back on her chest, and say, "We are Mimi's, just wanna do more, you know?"

I feel her nod and hear her say, "I know Jazzy but we having fun today, not thinking 'bout where we come from, what we left behind, and not worrying 'bout shit we can't do nothing about, like what we can't do more or less of, you know, cuz that's how kids are, that's how they think, remember?"

I exhale, feeling my smile, knowing I did read that online a long time ago, told my sister and my friends about it, remembering all the nights we've hung out, had dinners, laughed, the places we ate, all the things they did, all those blocks they walked, all those people they talked to, how I can't believe I know such amazing people right now, ever, not wanting this to end ever, sniffling, not wanting this to end, to grow up, not really, because then this will end, and say, "I also don't wanna grow up."

I hear her laugh, making me laugh, closing me eyes, hugging those arms around me, laughing with her, and hear a voice say, "Nah ah, what you two talking 'bout, cuz we want in."

I feel my eyes open, exhale feeling my smile, seeing her sit down with that plate, and say, "Just not growing up because I'm being immature thinking my friends are not gonna be around forever when I know they are."

I exhale, feeling happy, knowing what I said is true, they're going to be around forever, seeing her smile, and I hear Maritza say, "That's right, damn, Nia ain't getting rid of me, gonna follow her to every damn game, and gonna go to CC close by so I ain't gonna miss games at her school ever."

I feel my smile, knowing they're really close, seeing Nia's small smile looking at Maritza, and hear Nia say, "Mari you not just get your grades up and get into National with me, you know you'll get in, mean if they're already sending me letters I know you'll get in, so just try Mari, I want you there with my man and me and I know if you go you gonna make Enzo go too, be so much fun Mari, please girl."

I exhale, hearing Ming putting a chair next to me, hearing her sit down, feeling her putting her head on my shoulder, hearing Nia and Maritza talking, and hear Maritza say, "Now girl, you know you getting all those letters cuz you the star on our soccer team and National telling you they wanna give you some scholarship if you go and I can't get that so I'll just to the CC and go to all your games, ain't gonna miss one, promise."

I feel my smile, confused, hearing them talking, hearing Nia telling Maritza to just apply to National in twelfth grade, confused, and say, "What, what's National?"

I see them look at me, see them smile, seeing how pretty they are, both black, I think Maritza being part Latina, with that wet hair going down in those waves, like she put gel or mousse to make her hair do that wavy-wet thing, long black hair, her skin that reminds me of Tamera and Tia's skin, those beauty marks on her face, those thin almond eyes, almost making her look a little Asian, and then there's Nia who's completely black with that dark skin, smooth and perfect, those big eyes that shine, those lips with that big smile, that hair that's parted to the left with the rest up in a high pony tail with all those curls in that afro coming down, knowing I'm okay, maybe pretty, Huey even tells me I'm beautiful sometimes, knowing I'm just so happy to know there are really smart, nice, fun, and beautiful girls in this world, seeing Nia smile and she says, "National Louis University."

I feel my smile, seeing Nia smile and nod, seeing that blush, remembering what Maritza said about Nia going there, letters she's getting, feeling my eyes open, and I say, "You're getting letters from them saying they wanna give you a scholarship already?"

I see Nia nod, looking down, smiling with that blush, I think embarrassed, and hear Maritza say, "Yeah and she only going into eleventh and 'ready getting recruited cuz my girl here how our soccer team made it that damn far last year."

I see Nia exhale, looking away, maybe uncomfortable with all the attention, feeling that head leave my shoulder, and hear that voice say, "Nia don't be embarrassed, damn, I wouldn't if I was getting recruited for my balling or kickball cuz it's all hard, specially being a girl on any sports team, so I know you worked your butt off so you should feel proud, cuz we just met you, Cin and Laurie day you'll went to the movies, but me and Jazzy just met you today, and we already feel proud to know someone getting recruited for their soccer skills and only going into eleventh, so be proud."

I see Nia look up at Ming, see her exhale with her smile, and she says, "Thanks Ming, you right, I should be proud, just."

I see Nia look at Maritza, see her exhale with her small smile, and she says, "Just wish my girl would just try, just try to go with, just come with me, you know, see what it's like to go to a university, you know, do that with me cuz she my best friend and I want her, my man, Enzo, all of 'em there."

I exhale, feeling my small smile, knowing Black Jesus will make it happen, hearing that long exhale, and hear Maritza say, "Damn, guilt tripping me, fine, I'ma try, damn, gotta give me those puppy eyes."

And I see that big smile on Nia, see her hug Maritza, and hear the laughing, hearing Maritza saying she said she'd try but isn't promising anything because she can't stand school most days.

I exhale, laughing with them, knowing this was going to be even better, remembering that squeal I heard half an hour ago, looking up, and seeing Riley showing his phone to my sister, seeing that big smile on her, looking up at Riley, and seeing him roll his eyes with his smirk. And then, ten minutes later, Ray and Enzo who I remember from that day we went to set up the apartment for dad and Caesar, walked into the backyard, remembering how nice and funny they were and my sister telling me about that couples date her, Riley, Lauren, and Hiro went to where my sister and Lauren met Ray and Enzo's girlfriends. And then seeing Nia and Maritza, seeing two pretty girls walking in with Ray and Enzo, remembering how much fun my sister and Lauren had that day at the movies with them, I just knew, watching them all walking in through the side door, that it was just going to get better, hearing Ming and Nia talking about how Maritza can get better grades next year, hearing Maritza groaning, trying to not giggle at how cute they all sound, and I feel those arms going around my shoulders.

I exhale, holding those hard forearms and say, "Yes bestie?"

I feel those soft lips kiss my cheek, feeling my cheeks getting warm knowing a lot of people are here, friends we're just getting to know, and he's still being this cute and affectionate today, looking down at my jeans, hoping I'm not that red, and I hear him say, "I thought you should know, seeing as you enjoyed yourself with her that," and I hear that squeal, look over at her, see my sister running over to us, feeling my eyebrow rise, see her get to us, seeing that smile, how excited she is, jumping up and down in those loose cut up jeans that show how fit her legs are, and she says, "Yo sis, girls, it's gonna be popping cuz…."

I feel my smile, hearing Nia and Maritza saying she sounds cool and they want to meet her and her friends too, knowing for sure this is going to get better, hearing them talk, and I hear that monotone voice say into my ear, "Aside from her and apparently some friends she's bringing, Waldo said…"

I hug those arms, hearing him tell me who else is coming, so many people, knowing it's going to be so much better, so much fun, and then I hear the door open.

I look up at the side door, see them, knowing he told me they could be here today but I wasn't sure if they would come, remembering I told him to not worry and just have fun today, specially because at the courts they were being nice and were talking to Loretta's friends, flirting with them I think, seeing them walking in. And I hear that warm voice, seeing her walking up to them, hugging them, seeing them hugging Aunt Cookie back, kissing that arm that's holding me to remind him they're family and he needs to be nice, even if I think, remembering that first day we got here and we were all hanging out here in the back looking at those cute pictures of Huey and Riley at parties Huey said Riley 'punked' one of them when they were all little, not really knowing what 'punked' means but knowing it probably means they were just being boys and nothing worse, and I hear another door open.

I look over at the house and see that girl and her friends walk out, not remembering they were in there with Mrs. Ethel I think getting a talking to by Mrs. Ethel and Aunt Cookie, not seeing Mrs. Ethel walking out maybe because she went home and is going to come back for Donald later, hoping she lets us have fun with him for hours still. And I hope I can focus on my friends, the kids that are here to study and have fun, seeing that girl, Talia's sister, Lani, standing there in front of the door, maybe thinking, looking at me, seeing her look up at Huey who's hugging me, and I exhale, knowing she did stare at him both times when she dropped off Talia and Armani and when she walked in to come get them, trying to stay calm because he's mine, and I feel that kiss on my cheek.

I feel my smirk seeing her roll her eyes, seeing her talking to her friends, and see her say, 'So what you'll wanna do? Ms. Cookie said we could stay and eat.'

I exhale, hoping, if they do stay, I don't have to talk to her at all unless it has to do with helping Talia and Armani because I want this day to keep being great for everyone and I don't want it to get tense again like it did when she got here to pick them up right now, wanting this day to keep being fun because we're here for the kids, the kids that I can hear are playing that world game with Lauren, where they're all having fun, and I hear the side door open again.

I look over at Mario and Romeo in front of that side door, see them turn around to that person, talking to whoever walked in, hearing that exhale behind me, knowing he maybe saw that person that walked in, hearing him curse, feeling my eyes open because Huey does not curse in Aunt Cookie's house even if we're in the backyard, and I see his cousins move out of the way to let that person pass.

I exhale, seeing her, knowing we invited her but were kind of hoping she was going to say she was busy but instead she said she would try to show up to make sure 'we were doing things the right way so the organizations don't look bad' she said, and I inhale, praying to Black Jesus for everyone here, specially the kids, seeing them walking up to us, seeing those cute faces in front of me, seeing them smile, and Talia says, "So I'm gonna go over to the 'English and everything' table and Roxy taking my seat next to you, that okay?"

I nod with my smile and say, "Yes and make sure to pay attention there because no matter what my sister says she's really good with English, reads a lot, Mimi writes all the time and she knows how to write really good essays so ask her to talk to you about that, and Laurie is just good with anything they give her at school, really good with figuring out solutions to problems really fast so she'll help if you all get stuck on something okay?"

I see Talia smile, knowing she's going to have fun with my sister and friends at that table, and hear another voice say, "Um, brought my homework from my prealgebra class like you said."

I look at Roxana next to Talia and feel my smile remembering she didn't bring it on Saturday to the community center and I asked her to bring it today, one of the reasons I really wanted to have this study group for them, for those kids that don't have their dads or brothers with them because of this system that puts them in jail, this racist system, feeling those arms around me that I think pulled up a chair up to me a minute ago to sit behind me, seeing Roxana exhale with her small smile, hoping we really help them in any way we can, hoping she's not nervous at least about math because she has other things she's probably worried about, knowing I'm going make sure she has fun doing her math homework for the summer school class she's taking, and I hear a voice say, "Prealgebra, that's easy, sit over there and I'ma help you."

I see Roxana look away, I think remembering how impatient she was with them on Saturday, how she would huff, making them feel bad, when they wouldn't get what she was saying, where they stopped asking her those questions about their English homework and started only asking my sister and friends, seeing Roxana walking away with those pursed lips, and I inhale and look up at her.

I see her looking down at me, seeing myself standing up, grabbing her wrist, and dragging her out if she's going to do be like that, making them feel bad, those kids that are just doing the best they can, seeing her smirk at me, moving up, feeling something around my chest holding me, and I hear that voice say, "Ericka we need to talk about the case, unless you'd rather help with their tutoring."

I see her look up at him, see her inhale, maybe mad, knowing if she says something dumb to him I am dragging her out, seeing her exhale.

I see her look away, see her turn around, and hear her say, "Fine, meet you where Waldo and Caes at."

I exhale, seeing her walking away towards the grills where the guys are I think, feeling those arms holding me, hearing the giggling I think, and I look over at Talia.

I see Talia and Roxana giggling together, I think at us, making me smile, embarrassed that they saw me losing my temper again today, and hear that monotone voice say into my ear, "Nothing new, just repeating what you already know about the case, but you have three minutes before she figures it out and walks back to you, by then you should be with them at that table working on some problem and she won't see a point in sitting there watching you help them and more so than that I won't have to put you over my shoulder to stop you from doing what I know you were about to do, making it that much harder for me to not drag you into that house and sit you on my lap, alone, now be good and be at that table with them within three minutes, do you agree?"

I exhale, feeling my whole face being so red, seeing Talia and Roxana laughing at us I think with Talia hugging Roxana and Roxana putting her hand over her mouth, laughing, hearing everyone talking, walking around, hearing the chairs moving at the tables, happy no one heard that, only Talia and Roxana I think, seeing them laughing, walking away to the tables, knowing I have three minutes and Black Jesus is watching, I know he is, and say, "Okay bestie."


I take that bite, tasting the vegetarian meat or rather the soybeans and tofu mixed with mushrooms that's the substitute for what would normally be hamburger meat.

I exhale, tasting the extra mushroom in the hamburger, seeing her helping, knowing the only woman I could see myself with, if any chose to stay after getting to know how 'cold' I am, what quite a few called me, knowing I was probably going to remain alone, not fitting into this world even more, because I could not see myself wanting to stay with any of the girls, women, I had met so far, unless she were a strong black woman, a woman who knew who she was, a woman that did not allow herself to be talked down to, a woman I had not met yet because the only girls I had known, some women that were older than I was, did not know who they were, were unsure of who they were, something that cannot be hidden easily, showing me with the way they carried themselves, the way they talked, the way they dressed in some cases, that they would never, if ever, know who they were without having to mirror it from the world, a world that is too engrossing for most to step out of, to see the facts from the false, to be objective enough to see they were mirroring the world, having the world tell them who they are, whether that was what race or ethnicity they were, what culture or political party they would affiliate themselves with, or how to wear their damn hair or how dark to make their skin, sitting at my desk in my room, reading to become more aware of this country's history and to shut out the rest of the world at times, having these mundane thoughts about the woman, if any, I would be with, if I would truly be alone, the life of solitude being the best fit for me, not only because of my mother's family, connecting anyone to them, but because in this world I had not found a person, let alone a girl, that didn't feel the need to fit into this world, changing themselves in order to better fit into it, looking up from my desk, feeling myself turning to my window, looking in that direction, seeing that window, not understanding why, having had the thoughts I was just having, why I was looking at her window again, tasting that hamburger with the extra mushrooms she added, not wanting to decipher the feeling or thoughts I was having, knowing it was inappropriate to look at her window as much as I did, seeing that hand come out through those curtains, seeing that hand, wondering how it would feel holding it for more than seconds at a time as nonsensical as that was, seeing that hand moving those curtains, and seeing her, feeling myself breathing, seeing her moving those curtains, seeing her looking down at that paper, that homework assignment that belongs to that child whose brother was arrested last year in November, seeing that child smile at Jazmine, wondering if we have any, several, what our, and I hear my brother's loud damn voice say, "McHater where'd that at?"

I exhale, looking over at him, seeing him looking at me with that raised eyebrow, that confused look on his face, and say, "Riley be more damn descriptive when asking a question. Where's what at?"

I see him exhale with that look, hearing the cackling around us, seeing that idiot smirk, and he says, "Meat for damn plant burger."

I feel my eyebrow rise, annoyed and confused, remembering that voice telling me where it was so I could find it in case she was busy with those kids, and say, "Jazmine said bottom of the fridge door."

I see him nod, see him get up, and I feel my other eyebrow rise, more than surprised, seeing him walking away, towards the house, possibly to the kitchen, and hear Hiro say, "Bro, you doing alright?"

I look over at them, see them both looking out at the backyard, see Caesar nod, and he says, "Yeah man, told you'll it's cool, I'ma handle that when we back home."

I exhale, taking a bite, knowing if he doesn't want to talk about it I'm not pushing him, looking back down at the book I'm reading, having been done with that newspaper some time ago, and hear Caesar say, "What you gotta say brother, cuz I know that sound."

I inhale, taking the last bite, grabbing that napkin she left on my leg when she brought this hamburger, and say, "I won't be the one to push you to talk about it Caes, it's up to you man."

I hear him inhale, finding where I left off in my book, and hear him say, "What you mean ain't gonna push me to talk, like I ain't talking 'bout something?"

I exhale, reading, and say, "Caes, it's damn obvious that you do not want to talk about it, probably so you can continue enjoying yourself here, not thinking about shit you don't want to think about, which is fine, but at least don't say that it's cool when you're not cool, the reason when anyone ask you about it you always answer saying you're fine and don't elaborate, which is why I'm also not pushing you to talk about it, because I know you're trying to not think about it and you'll talk when you're ready to talk or when you want some kind of feedback."

I hear him exhale and hear Hiro say, "Damn bro, for reals? You acting cool but you really ain't alright with that shit?"

I continue reading, knowing Aunt Cookie and Grandad both went out with Sarah and Leo, letting us have the house to ourselves they said, so I don't have to be on top of their language as much, hearing the talking, the cursing from our friends, hearing those steps coming back, and hear Caesar say, "Want me to grill that shit?"

I hear my brother say, "Yeah man, well done."

I continue reading, hearing Caesar helping my brother with that patty, feeling my eyebrow rise not asking my brother why he wanted vegetarian meat right now, not because I don't care but because he's old enough to know how to take care of his health himself, hearing the vegetarian patty sizzling on the grill, hearing my brother take the seat next to me, and hear Caesar say, "Hu you right, I ain't alright with it, not really."

I nod, turning the page, and say, "I know man."

I hear my brother say, "You'll mind telling my ass what you'll talkin' 'bout?"

I continue reading and hear Hiro say, "Talking 'bout my bro not being cool with that shit he said he wants to do when we all back in Woodcrest."

I hear that exhale and hear my brother say, "For reals? You been acting cool but you really ain't cool with that shit? Man, just get over that shit and tell 'em to fuck off if you ain't cool with it, tell 'em you got family, don't need his ass, and you don't need that shit going through head so you get back to his ass when you ready, shit, even if that means you never ready."

I feel my smirk, reading, hearing their laughing, hearing my brother exhale, possibly annoyed at being laughed at, and hear Caesar say, "So now you mature and sensitive to a brother going through shit? Man, just keep showing us we ain't as grown up as you."

I hear that exhale, feeling myself laughing, and hear my brother mumble, "Last time I try to help man."

I shake my head and hear Caesar say, "Nah, thanks Riley, I know what you saying, that I can tell his ass to fuck off, never wanna see him, I can, but it's just more complicated than that man, more than just telling someone you don't like that you don't wanna see their asses again, cuz."

I hear him exhale, hearing the sizzling of the patty, and hear him say, "You know man, other's, even if they don't say it, know they're my real folks, I just know they want me to talk to him, I just know man, and I love my mom's."

I nod, knowing she's a good mother, a strong black mother that raised him here, with only help from her family, and hear Caesar ask me what do I think.

I exhale, looking at the book I'm reading, the one that belonged to him, the book I have continued to read, slowly, even if I have read the Qur'an, not in its entirety, but most of it, knowing I still need to study it, as I should other religious scripture to continue being openminded about this world, how it works, how it functions, through and outside of religion, seeing the book I'm holding that belonged to my father, my father who was a good father, loved us, would have never laid a hand on us, never, regardless of growing up here, anywhere, being the black man he was, the teacher he was before he died, knowing if he would have lived he would've taught me to be a better man and he would've never laid a hand on my mother, my brother, or myself, and say, "Your father was a fucken piece of shit."

I hear the sizzling, smelling the vegetarian patty, knowing that side will be done in one minute, and say, "But he is still your father, the one who made it possible for you to be who you are, not contributing anything good to it other than your want to not be like him, possibly your want to be much better than him, but he is your father, why you haven't decided anything yet, why you haven't contacted him to tell him to go to hell or that you've decided to see him, and also because this, being here, is more important than that, that topic, it has been, which I agree is the right choice, to live right here, right now, not in the past we cannot change or the future that's full of more negative outcomes than positive ones, and you've been doing that, even if you're not completely fine with this topic yet because it's a sensitive one and one you'll deal with when you want to talk about it, decide anything on it, not being pushed into it, not forcing yourself to decide, why I haven't said anything about it, why we've only talked about whatever you bring up, the organizations, the work, the shelter for your old boss, things we were planning, turn the patty."

I hear him say, "Shit! Thanks man."

I nod, hearing him turning that patty, and say, "So I won't push you into it, know you're apt enough to know when it's the right time to talk about it, possibly also because I agree that you should continue enjoying yourself here, not thinking about that, not for a damn second, not until we're back in Woodcrest, not thinking about shit that you don't want to think about until we're there, accepting in the meantime that you're not cool, you're not, and saying it when you're asked, that you are not cool, you're not fine, but you've also decided that's something you're not going to think about until we're back in Woodcrest because that's a damn good choice, and we'll talk about it then, because that's what you decided, and then, if you still want it, you can ask for feedback, and that patty's done."

I hear him inhale and hear him say, "Shit! Riley bring your plate before I burn this plant food man!"

I hear the cackling, shaking my head, hearing my brother running over to the grill, possibly laughing with them, and hear Caesar in between the cackling say that he's not okay, not even a little, but he's having fun here, more than he thought he would have coming back, and he'll think about stupid shit that doesn't matter when we're back in Woodcrest.

I exhale, shaking my head, continuing to read my book knowing I can read this book in between my other books, articles, religious scripture I find an interest in, the SAT prep book I brought, the LSAT prep books I left at home, thinking about possibly having another hamburger with the vegetarian meat, hearing my brother sitting down next to me with that hamburger, and hear him say he needs a favor.


I inhale, seeing it, seeing her multiplying them, eleven by eleven, seeing her get the answer, feeling my smile, and see her write eleven as the answer for the square root of one hundred twenty one, knowing she remembered that on her own, and I hug her, feeling so happy, hearing her giggling, remembering I really have to stop doing that because their parents might not be okay with how much I hug them, and I start letting go, and then feel those arms hug me back.

I exhale, hugging her, and hear her whisper, "I want Matty to see I been doing good, got good grades in summer school."

I nod, putting my face in that curly hair, not knowing a lot of girls with such black thick curly hair, so pretty, feeling her hugging me, knowing she really misses her brother even if they visited him last week, she still misses him being at home, walking her to school, and say, "Your brother's gonna come out soon, he will, and then he'll start walking you to school again and I know, because I have a little sister too, that he misses you so much and he's gonna be so proud of you knowing you're doing so good in school, I know it."

I feel her nod, hearing her sniffling, holding her, hearing everyone, knowing she's been having fun, but she still misses her brother, and I feel those arms going around me, going around us, those tiny arms that belong to Talia, and I start laughing, hearing Roxana laughing with me, putting my face in that black thick curly hair she said she washed this morning, I think because she wanted to look nice, did her hair in that pretty braid just for today, and hear Talia say, "You said you ain't gonna cry no more Roxy."

I feel her nod, look down at her, see her look up, letting go of her, seeing her wipe those tears with that small smile, and she says, "Yeah and I don't wanna cry cuz Matty told me he's gonna be home soon and he don't wanna know that I was crying and he said he wanted me to have fun with my friends on my vacation."

And I feel my smile seeing Talia grab Roxana's hand, seeing Talia pulling her out of her chair, so happy they're such good friends already, remembering Talia calling Roxana her bestie, and hear Talia say, "Then we gotta play and you gotta take a break and we need you to be Australia they said so you coming."

I exhale, seeing them walking around the table towards the cement part of the backyard where they don't have any tables and moved the chairs out of the way so they could use it to play their world game, standing further away than before, seeing Talia and Roxana get there, seeing everyone there, knowing I want to play too, a lot.

I feel my smile, knowing I want to play too, standing up, and I see her sit down in that chair opposite of me.

I see her look at me, see her exhale, feeling my eyebrow rise, knowing she's stayed away, I think talking to the guys, her friends, but not me, probably because I'm still not okay with her making Talia cry.

I see her exhale, see her look away, and hear her say, "Sit."

I feel my other eyebrow rise, remembering how rude she was at the community center, how rude she's been here, how she made Talia, her little sister, cry, her little sister that looks up to her, I know it, because little sisters look up to their older sisters, and she made her cry, and say, "No."

I see her look up at me, see her inhale, and she says, "Please."

I exhale, looking up at the kids, seeing my friends, my sister's blue eyes looking at me, and I see her look down at the girl in front of me. And I know this girl and her friends have also stayed away from my sister and friends, not liking that, not even a little, even if she did stare at Huey earlier, her friend called me 'white girl,' she said I wasn't black, maybe mix, insulting me for no reason at all, all because they wanted to leave and take Talia and Armani with them to McDonalds when we had sandwiches and fruit, good things for them, here, but still, I don't like not being friends with people unless they're really mean or just dumb like those girls in Woodcrest.

But, I exhale, I don't think Lani is mean or dumb, maybe just intimidated, remembering my mom says women are sometimes intimidated by us and that's why they don't want to be our friends, because they're scared of us, wanting her to not be scared, maybe because she is Talia and Armani's older sister and I like Talia and Armani a lot, and I want their sister to be okay with me, remembering my little sister, how my mom says she looks up to me, seeing my sister playing with the kids after they passed the ball to her, knowing I need to be a good example, hoping Lani wants to be a good example for her sister and brother too and will call me, use me, if they need anything the organizations can help them with, and I sit down.

I see her turning her body towards me, feeling my eyebrow rise, seeing her sit up straight, looking at me, like this is important to her, see her exhale, and she says, "Know I don't act like it, but I do love 'em, there my lil' brother and sister, and it's been nice, seeing them studying and getting homework done and playing, something I don't see 'lot cuz I'm not around a lot."

I nod and exhale, not really knowing why she's saying this.

I see her roll her eyes, feeling my eyebrow rise, and she says, "And sorry alright, sorry for being kinda bitchy, you know, when we got here."

I inhale and say, "And Saturday?"

I see her inhale, see her look away, maybe mad, and she says, "Yeah, that day too, alright?"

I nod and say, "Apology accepted but why are you apologizing if you were okay not talking to me all day?"

I see her look at me, seeing that cute hairstyle, parted in the middle in a low ponytail with her afro going over her right shoulder, see her blink those eyes that remind me of her sister, see her exhale, maybe looking guilty, and she says, "Cuz been watching how you act with them, Tali, helping her and not yelling at her ass for not getting it, like I do when she ask me, and then Mani who I think likes you and you ain't making him feel bad, even your sister not telling Luther he being nasty thinking 'bout girls when they not even thirteen, not yet, like I tell 'em, but you're nice to them, nice to Mani, even if you got a."

I see her exhale, see her look away, towards the other way this time, towards the grill, and I exhale, knowing, and say, "Even if I have a boyfriend."

I see her inhale, see her nod, pursing her lips, and I say, "Huey is my boyfriend."

I see her look at me, see her inhale with those pursed lips, seeing her looking at me like that, squinting her eyes at me, remembering for some weird reason that first time we met Talia, Armani, and Luther, when Talia said her sister liked someone, and then at the community center when she said her sister was there to see what I looked like because I wasn't that pretty, connecting it, how she kept staring at Huey tonight, how close she lives to Aunt Cookie's house, how many times they've probably passed by this house, probably times when Huey and Riley were here visiting, feeling my eyebrow rise, knowing she needs to know, not caring who she's related to, and say, "Huey is mine."

I see her inhale, see her raise her chin, opening her mouth, and I say, "I don't care what you think about me, I don't, say one thing about him, one thing and I will drag you out of Aunt Cookie's house and make sure Talia, Armani, and Luther all get home today, and I am serious, specially about Huey, so do not test me."

I exhale, seeing her inhale, seeing her eyebrow rise, and she says, "Damn, alright, he yours, I ain't wanna get my ass kicked by you and all your friends here."

I exhale, feeling my smirk, and say, "When it's about my boyfriend it's just me you fight, now I'm done talking to you because I need to go play with the kids and then make sure they check their homework, so tell me how this ends now."

I see her exhale, see that smirk, cracking my right wrist, and feel my eyes open, seeing her smile and start laughing.

I exhale, remembering last year here in this backyard, talking to Cairo that day and him laughing at me, thinking maybe girls can be as crazy as some boys here, when they just laugh at me when I'm being serious, and say, "Lani, are we done?"

I see her exhale with her smirk and she says, "Yeah, yeah, but damn, Tali and Mani said you kinda crazy, Luther said same shit 'bout your sister, fuck, but you really gonna fight me here, in Ms. Cookie's house?"

I exhale and say, "I don't lie so are we done?"

I see her roll her eyes and she says, "Yeah, damn, and I ain't trying to fight no one in this house cuz I heard Ms. Cookie ain't cool with that so I'ma let it go but I gotta ask you some'ng but you ain't gotta, you know, tell me shit if you don't wanna."

I feel my eyebrow rise, nod, see her exhale, looking down to the side, seeing her blush, maybe embarrassed, and she says, "Wells, just wanned to know if you know 'bout someone here that been talkin' to."

I feel my mouth open, confused, see her look at me, see her exhale, and she says, "Said his name's Mario."

I look over, feeling my eyes open, seeing him looking over here, and I look back at Lani.

I see her looking away, seeing that blush on her for sure, feeling my smile, and say, "Yes, I know Mario, he's Huey and Riley's cousin, oh, and Loretta's."

I see her exhale, see her nod, and she says, "Yeah, wells, he asked if he could take me to the movies 'morrow and I said I'd think about it cuz just don't know him and really I don't know no one here, just Tali, Mani, and Luther, and Ms. Cookie but she ain't here so can't ask her but he said Ms. Cookie's his aunt but that's all I know, that he's like year older than me, and I just don't know him to just meet him at the movies even if my friends keep telling me he's cute and I should just go but I don't know, just wanned to talk to someone that knows him, maybe cuz your boyfriend is his cousin, and just no one's talking to me or my friends."

I exhale, starting to feel bad, remembering no one has talked to them, even the people, like Loretta and her friends, that got here after that whole thing happened when her and her friends wanted to take the kids to McDonalds, not really sure why they're not talking to them but maybe because they found out about what happened.

I inhale, looking up at everyone, seeing everyone talking, not wanting this to be weird, seeing her two friends looking over here, and see them look away.

I exhale, remembering they're also younger, I guess by a year or two, than me and my friends, probably that's not helping them either, wanting to have people talk to them that are older and the only people I've seen talking to them have been Mario and Romeo, and she took the first big step of coming to talk to me, and I need to act like a grown up.

I inhale, getting up, seeing her look up at me, seeing her eyebrow rise, walking around the table, get to her, and I go down, and hug her.

I feel her stiffen and I exhale and say, "I'm sorry if you've felt out of place here, I really am Lani, you and your friends, and I'm gonna do what I can so you all don't feel like that okay?"

I feel her nod, letting go of her, see her look down smiling, remembering my mom for some weird warm reason, the way she made Hiroko feel welcomed at our house that day we met her, and say, "So, I don't know a lot about Mario but I know he's Huey and Riley's cousin, Loretta's cousin, they all like him I know it, and Aunt Cookie loves him too, I'm sure, so he has to be a good guy, but that's all I know, but first."

I see her look up at me, see her smile at me, feeling my smile, and I say, "Before we talk about guys, let's take you and your friends around to introduce you to everyone here so you all can feel like you belong here, and then."

I see her nod with her small smile, those eyes that remind me of her little sister, the little sister that I need to talk to her about because I know she loves her, and say, "And then I wanna talk to you about Talia, what we can do about her getting bullied so her and Armani don't get in trouble at school anymore and so no kids ever call her anything but smart and a great friend because that's what she is, okay?"

I see her nod with those pursed lips, see her look away, seeing her inhale, and she says, "Yeah, gotta take care of that, didn't know it was that bad 'til now cuz she never told me, just knew that Mani got in fights but thought he was just being a boy, you know doing stupid shit at school, but didn't know it was cuz Tali being told stupid shit at school, fucken kids saying stupid shit to her, and I don't want her going through that, I don't, so yeah."

I nod and say, "Well figure it out, promise, but let's start with the introductions okay?"

I see her look at me, see her smile, kind of smirking, and she says, "Alright, thanks Jazmine."

I nod, grabbing her hand, pulling her up, dragging her to our friends, seeing them all looking at us, those smiles, hearing Lani giggling I think holding my hand, and see that fluffy long soft afro that looks like soft curls, those bright dark eyes, that smile on Talia, walking to them, and know Black Jesus is always watching, even on fun days like this one.


I exhale, putting my face in it, and say, "Did you have fun today?"

I hear that exhale and hear that monotone voice say, "Some."

I feel my smile, putting my face into that afro even more, wanting to smell him after we all showered, tired but happy with today, everyone that came, everyone, and say, "I'm happy so many people, family, friends, came."

I feel him nod, making me happy, not hearing him say anything back, knowing he's happy about it too, putting my head down on the pillow, knowing I already prayed tonight while he read, got ready for bed, said goodnight to everyone, reminding them to not wait for us tomorrow to have dinner, and now we're in bed, going to sleep, feeling his chest moving up and down, drawing over his heart, that big warm heart he has, the one he's always had even when we were little and he was making me cry because he cared enough to tell me the truth about the world, hearing those long exhales and inhales from him, and hear him say, "I had fun."

I inhale, trying to relax, knowing he needs to rest and not have me asking him how much fun, what was the best part, can we do it again, all of those questions that I want to ask him, but he needs to rest for tomorrow, shutting my eyes, and I hear that monotone voice say, "The best part was watching you with those kids, seeing you teach them how to solve those math problems, seeing you having fun with kids you, all of us, were just getting to know this time, the next of my favorite parts was having you sit on my lap around that grill they were using to make those unhealthy smores they wanted to make after all those kids had left home, hearing you and everyone talking about whatever extracurricular activities you participate in, jobs, and the work we've done in the organizations, all of it, and the last of my favorite parts, although I would prefer if this stayed between us, was sitting there with them by the grill, even if I had to deal with the smell of those meat-filled hamburgers, talking to them about problems, solutions, and focusing on being here, not thinking about things that should be left for another time, another place, and possibly the very last of the parts I liked was when everyone left, aside of course from the people that are staying in this house, and we were able to clean up, and get ready to go to sleep."

I feel my smile, seeing that bright white night shirt he's wearing, knowing I want to cry with everything he said, so much, so happy, trying to relax because I know, specially right now, he needs stability, specially because of tomorrow, a second time we're doing it this time, a second time he said he's never done it when he's visited, and exhale, closing my eyes, and say, "Okay, goodnight bes," and hear him say, "That's semi-hypocritical of you Jazmine, asking me if I had fun and then not telling me if you had fun and at which times."

I feel my eyes open, feel my smile, hugging him more, kissing that back, and say, "I didn't think you wanted to know because you know I always have fun with you and our friends but I guess."

I exhale, thinking, remembering everything we did today, making the food in the morning, the kids that came, the friends that came, the family that came, watching him laughing with the guys, seeing the kids smiling and laughing with my sister and friends, making new friends, talking about important things.

I inhale, remembering everything, feeling my small smile, and say, "Well."

I kiss that back and say, "I guess I don't have favorites, I just know that I had fun watching everyone too, specially the kids getting the right answers, how Donald and Cassius kind of became the leaders at the tables where they were sitting at, how Armani, Isaiah, Jesse, and Samuel all were keeping up with them, asking questions, how Talia and Roxana kept following each other like they were best friends already, how cute it was that whenever any of the guys came to help, even when you came to help, the boys all puffed out their chest like you guys were stepping in their personal space where they were the king with all of us girls giving them all that attention, how cute that was, and then meeting everyone that came, Lani, her friends, then when Mario and," and I feel that pinch on my side, exhale, rolling my eyes, and say, "Bestie, Mario and Romeo barely talked to us, I think because they were too busy talking to Lani's friends and then Loretta's friends when they got there, okay?"

I feel that chest exhale, kiss that back again, and say, "And I guess that was all fun but."

I inhale, feeling my smirk, moving a little, feeling that back, hearing him inhale, wanting to put my leg over him but not wanting to tease him like that, and say, "The best part for me was probably seeing you laughing with the guys, seeing that little smirk on you when the kids would get the right answer after you helped them, specially Donald who really liked when you would come around so he could ask you questions about his geometry homework and I know Mrs. Ethel was really happy when she came to pick him up and saw that he did all his summer school homework and now he won't have to take geometry during the school year and will start algebra two in eighth grade, such a smart boy, and everything was so much fun, seeing you laughing, even if I saw that cute mad face every once in a while I know you were having fun, and actually, why did I see that you did look kind of mad when you were talking to Riley earlier, you know, when you were all talking?"

I exhale, remembering seeing that beautiful face, that forehead scrunched up like that, looking mad, seeing him looking at Riley, seeing them talking, reading their lips, seeing Riley saying he needed a favor and needed Huey to stop saying no, and then turning to look back down at Roxana's homework because I shouldn't be doing that to them, reading their lips, seeing what Huey and Riley are talking about even if we were all outside because those conversations, the ones between Huey and Riley, are private, between them.

And I don't hear him say anything back right now, remembering that conversation was probably private, and say, "I'm sorry Huey, don't tell me okay, that's between you and Riley, go to sleep and rest okay, and I love you."

I kiss that back, moving back a little to not feel that back too much or I'll start kissing him again, knowing we just need to rest, closing my eyes, and put my head back on the pillow, remembering I put that reminder on my phone of what we're taking, a reminder I've put on my phone the times we've gone, knowing it's going to be perfect, hugging that hard stomach, thinking about how good he looks in that Jimi Hendrix T-shirt with no sleeves that belonged to his dad, remembering he told me it belonged to this dad.

I exhale, thinking about him training in that T-shirt those mornings we've woken up and weren't going to go out, were just going to hang out at home. We would kiss for a little, he would go to the bathroom to 'take care of that problem,' and then he would change into some old sweatpants, that T-shirt if it was clean, and I would follow him to the kitchen, stopping there to make coffee for the house, making some tea for me, and then I would walk out to the backyard, and watch him stretch and train, sometimes bringing my book with me to read. Then my mom, Aunt Cookie, and Grandad would come home from their walk, and I would follow my mom upstairs to wake up my sister and friends, getting them up so we could do our yoga, all of us. We would move the sofa and tables in the living room, put out our matts down, start doing our yoga, and then we would hear Riley coming down and walking to the backyard, knowing he was going to train with Huey. And I noticed how flat my sister's and friends' tummies are now, how fit they all are, but not skinny, just fit and healthy, hearing dad, Caesar, and Hiro walking in to the house, seeing Ming and Lauren get up from the floor to kiss them, getting up with my sister to hug dad, and hearing dad walking upstairs to see mom and hearing Caesar and Hiro walking to the backward to train with Huey and Riley or maybe just to hang out with them, like they did today, knowing they all had fun today, I know it.

Thank you Black Jesus.

I exhale, hugging him, mine, my Huey, knowing my sister, my friends, all of us, are going to do everything we can to make sure Huey and the guys are all happy, like they were today, always, watching Huey and the guys laughing, and I hear the monotone voice say, "That idiot wanted to know what Loretta and your sister were talking about."

I feel my eyebrow rise, opening my mouth, confused, and say, "Bestie?"

I hear that exhale, feeling that stomach move, remembering he said that's how you breathe better, through your stomach, and I hear him say, "The favor Riley asked was to tell him what Loretta and your sister were discussing."

I feel my eyes open, seeing that bright shirt, exhale, remembering my sister and me talking when we were helping with cleaning the kitchen because everyone had helped putting everything away in the backyard, Lauren was taking a shower, Ming was folding clothes with my mom upstairs, Grandad and Aunt Cookie were in their rooms resting, everyone else had gone home, and my sister and me were in the kitchen with my sister drying the dishes, putting them away, me cleaning the dishes, hearing her tell me what Loretta told her today, feeling my eyes open, and say, "Huey you didn't tell him did you!"

I close my mouth, closing my eyes, knowing that was loud. No. Darn it.

I hear that exhale and hear him say, "Jazmine, everyone's tired enough they're all probably asleep, pass even the REM stage, so I'm sure you didn't wake anyone, and yes I told him."

I inhale, opening my eyes, seeing that bright white T-shirt, putting my leg over him, pulling on that shoulder, getting up, pushing him down, looking at him, and say, "What Huey?"

I exhale, mad, knowing that was private, something my sister only told me about because she trust me and she wanted to ask me if she gave Loretta the right advise knowing I would never say anything, not to anyone, because that's Loretta's business and no one needs to know about that.

I inhale, feeling those rough hands on my thighs, remembering I'm wearing small spandex shorts because I wanted to be ready in the morning, not taking up anytime getting ready, just putting jeans over these shorts, feeling those hands on my thighs, seeing that cute smirk, and he says, "Jazmine, don't worry, Riley might talk a lot but he knows to not talk about that because that is Loretta's business and furthermore that doesn't matter, if it did, believe me, both Riley and myself would beat anyone that made her feel anyway she doesn't want to feel about that, so do not worry about either myself or Riley knowing."

I exhale, remembering they're all cousins, they are, and I know Huey and Riley care about Loretta, they love her, even if they don't see each other a lot, one of the reasons we wanted her here today, why my sister made sure to invite her, remembering how excited she was when she got that text from Loretta saying she was on her way with her two friends we played against, Haven and Genesis, the ones Mario and Romeo were flirting with at the courts that day. And I remember after they got here how much fun everyone was having with Loretta and her friends helping with the tutoring and then the games. And then after, when all the kids left because it was getting late and their parents had picked them up, Lani and her friends had taken Talia, Armani, and Luther home and then had come back to hang out, we all just hung out, sitting around the grill the guys had moved to the middle of the cement, just talking about everything my friends and sister, Loretta and Haven and Genesis, Nia and Maritza, Victoria who finally got there and I was happy to see because Ericka was annoying even me with how she wouldn't leave Waldo alone.

I inhale, shaking my head, remembering right after my sister told us Loretta was on her way Huey told me Waldo said Victoria got out of work early and was coming too, so happy to hear that. And then around the grill, with some girls, well, my sister, friends, Victoria, and me, all of us sitting on our boyfriends' laps because we didn't have enough chairs, we all talked, even Lani and her two friends who were being nicer, all of us just talking, about what we all do at school, like sports they play and clubs they're in, or the work they do, or the volunteering they do, remembering how Lani said she's going to go talk to Talia's middle school to see if she can volunteer there after school, maybe in the main office, so she can keep an eye on the kids there, maybe making Talia and Armani go hang out with her in the main office after school ends and then making sure to walk them home, all of us talking, having fun eating smores. Well, I inhale, most of us talking, Ericka more mopping than anything else but everyone else having fun, my sister and friends, the guys, Victoria, Mario and Romeo, Nia and Maritza, Lani and her friends, Loretta and Haven and Genesis, everyone.

Loretta.

I exhale, putting my hands over his, feeling those fingers going through mine, those warm fingers, feeling my small smile, and say, "I know Huey, I know you and Riley love Etta, it's just that if you did tell Riley what my sister and Etta were talking about, I think knowing what you told him if it was when they were talking alone in the corner of the backyard, that's just so, you know, personal, not embarrassing, just personal, and I just don't get why, you know, why he would want to know that stuff."

I see him exhale, see him nod, and he says, "I understand and really after I told him it only made matters worse."

I feel my eyebrow rise, not seeing how that's even possible, see him exhale, and he says, "Riley, being the idiot he is, wanted to know what they were saying because he didn't trust Loretta."

I feel my eyes open and say, "What?"

I feel those fingers going under my stretchy spandex shorts, feeling those wrists I'm holding now, I think, see him inhale, and he says, "Riley, the idiot he is, already suspected what I told him Loretta and your sister were talking about and when I told him Loretta was actually asking your sister about advise on how to ask a girl on a date, I believe."

I see him exhale, feeling those fingers I think, and he says, "He still felt that idiotic jealousy because to him, in some alternate universe, he thought Loretta was trying to ask your sister on a date or rather steal her from him, but when I told him she was actually asking your sister for advise on how to go about asking another girl on a date and was not actually asking your sister out on that date, I believe Riley, as much of an idiot as he is, understood Loretta was not trying to steal your sister but rather just asking her for advice, possibly because she doesn't feel comfortable asking any of her other friends about that, I'm sure because most, if not all her friends, are straight, seeing as people don't actually start coming to understand their sexuality until they're adults and during these years they're just trying to seem 'normal,' like everyone else, but for some reason Loretta felt compelled to ask your sister for advice on asking a girl on a date, was not actually trying to ask your sister on a date, which I told Riley several times, and then told him that was the last damn time I would lipread for him if he didn't calm the fuck down, listen to reason, and think, making sure to tell him that next time he ask me to listen in on other people's conversation, something that should only be done when it's about keeping people safe, not to be trifled with, he remembers what happened today, and then the idiot thanked me and ate another one of the vegetarian hamburgers."

I exhale, feeling my smile, closing my eyes, laughing, thinking about that, how only my sister and me knew that Loretta liked a girl she goes to school with, she's not sure if she's gay, just likes this one girl, and now Huey and Riley know, but it's okay because they love Loretta and they won't tell anyone, I just know it, and I feel those fingers.

I open my eyes, feeling my mouth open, and say, "Huey, what are," and I see that face come up, blink, and feel him kiss me, feeling those fingers under my stretchy shorts, all the way up, feeling those fingers graze that side, next to that place he hasn't touched in forever, where my leg and my vagina meet.

I grab that afro, pulling him in, hearing myself moan into him, tasting that tongue I haven't tasted since this morning before everyone woke up, moving, feeling myself wanting to come on that hard cock I can feel by my leg, feeling him kiss me, hearing him say my nickname, wanting to take off everything I'm wearing and getting on top of him because those morning kisses, feeling his cock over my stomach when he wakes me up with those kisses, sitting on his lap, touching him, looking at him, is not enough, because I want more, feeling that cock next to my leg, moving over it, feeling him shaking, hearing the moving, the blankets around us moving, on the floor, the floor of this living room, inhaling, moving away, and say, "Huey we can't," and I feel that finger.

Fuck. Holy Black Jesus.

I feel my head move back, opening my eyes slowly, seeing the ceiling, feeling that finger inside of me, feeling those kisses, seeing Aunt Cookie's ceiling, feeling those kisses on my neck, that finger inside of me, shaking, seeing that ceiling, and hear myself say, "Aunt Cookie's ceiling."

I hear that exhale, feeling him put that forehead on my neck, shaking, feeling that finger there, inside of me, not moving anymore, hearing him breathing, looking up at that ceiling, massaging that head I'm holding, being in this nice warm place with him, with him inside of me like this, and say, "I know Huey, I want to but we can't, we have to be good because it's not okay, but I promise, when we can I'm getting on top of you."

I feel it, closing my eyes, feeling that other finger, that other rough finger going inside of me, trying to calm down, feeling those kisses on my neck, that hand on my back under my shirt, holding me up I think, not remembering when he put that hand there, feeling him shaking, feeling my body shaking, those kisses on my neck, and hear that monotone voice say, "Baby I can't do shit anymore, I want more, I want you under me, hearing you say my name until your voice is gone."

I inhale, feeling my small smile, looking up at that ceiling, feeling him moving, that thumb over my vagina moving, knowing I'm going to come, I am, and say, "I want that, I do, I want to see your face under me, seeing that look on your face, like nothing's wrong in this world, nothing, seeing you smiling, coming inside of me, and that's why we need to wait Huey, that's why, so I can see that look on your face after I make sure to taste everything, your cock, your balls, everything, all night."

I exhale, not knowing why I'm saying this, like another person, another girl, a woman, is taking over my voice, knowing we've made love, we have, but it feels like it's been so long, so long ago that we made love that it was two other people, two other people that made love, cuddled, talked, all in the dark, sometimes with the morning sun coming through the curtains of his room, wanting that, wanting that back, feeling those fingers leaving me, feeling myself relaxing, and hear him apologize.

I inhale, massaging that head I'm holding, feeling those curls from his afro around my fingers, feeling that face on my neck, and tilt my head back down.

I see that ear, that cheek, and I kiss that ear, that cheek, seeing him moving his head back.

I see that face and I go down to that chin, kissing it, kissing that other cheek, those eyes, closing my eyes, kissing that face, not wanting him to apologize, not for that, not ever, and say, "Don't apologize Huey, not for that, I want that more than you know, but I want it to be right, you know, in your room, my room, where it's just us, where it feels right, because you feel so right, everywhere."

I feel that hand grab my chin, open my eyes, see those auburns looking at me, seeing that look, that soft look on him, one I don't think I've ever seen, see that smile, feeling my exhale at how beautiful he is, and he says, "Not as right as you feel baby."

I feel my smile, knowing that was beautiful, even if it was about sex, about us making love, it was beautiful, and say, "Then we keep waiting okay, even if this just happened, and really, we didn't do anything, because we didn't finish, you know, we didn't come or have an orgasm, so let's stop and then, when we're back at home, then it'll feel right because you deserve that, okay?"

I see him inhale with that smile, feeling that cock move, inhale, surprised it's still that hard, and say, "Um, do you wanna go to the bathroom to take care of that or maybe to wash your hands?"

I see that eyebrow rise with that smile and see him start laughing, seeing him closing his eyes, putting that hand over his eyes, hearing that laugh, that sexy laugh he has when we're alone, that laugh that no one knows but me, and I feel my other eyebrow rise, seeing that hand come up, that hand he was using on me, and see him put those fingers, those fingers he had inside of me, in his mouth, feeling my mouth open, getting a little wetter, seeing him doing that with those fingers that were just inside of me, I think licking those fingers in his mouth, feeling that cock move, that hard cock move back, maybe getting harder, I don't know.

I exhale, seeing those fingers come out, wanting to kiss him, knowing it's not a good idea, seeing him exhale with that smile on him, and he says, "I'm not going anywhere, we have a long day tomorrow, let's go to sleep, and."

I feel him grab my chin, feeling that thumb going over my lips, that thumb that's on that hand that was just inside his mouth, licking my lips, tasting that thumb, seeing him inhale, seeing those auburns do that thing, getting a little bigger, and he says, "That first time, I want you under me, in my house, in my room, in my bed, hydrated, and after that you can have anything you want. Do you agree?"

I feel my smile, exhale, and know he's right, we have a long day tomorrow, we should go to sleep now, and then, when we get home, we can do all of that, because it feels right, and say, "I love you."

I see him blink, see that cute smirk, and he says, "I'll take that as a yes and I love you, now lay down, and again, I'm not going anywhere."

I nod, knowing even if he thinks he's going to be on top of me that first time, I'm still stubborn and I want to be on top of him, but right now, we need to rest for tomorrow because it's a big day, and it's going to be perfect.


We start that walk, smelling that bun, trying to figure why we're here, again, why, regardless of how 'perfect' she said it would be, hearing those rodents, feeling the warmth of the sun due east, knowing it's nine in the morning, they opened the gates ten minutes ago, we're here earlier than either of the times we came before, and still, I'm trying to figure out why we're here, when we already came once.

I exhale, knowing.

We're here, feeling those small shoulders I'm holding, smelling that bun under my nose, following her smaller steps, even if I can count steps, measure space and time, know where we are going, where the sun rises and sets, the fact that it's a weekday so there will be less people here, knowing we only come on weekdays to avoid the people, like we did three weeks ago, every time we've come, so it can be only us if possible, why we're here, the reason we're here is because I said it, more specifically, I told her at some point, possibly when I wasn't thinking straight, that I wanted to make more of an effort to visit them and pay my respects every time we came, hugging those shoulders, that body, feeling her stop, and hear her say my name.

I exhale and say, "If I forget to say it, I want to say it now. Thank you."

I feel her exhale, feel that kiss on my arms, putting my face in that neck, knowing how far we are from that place, feeling a possible heaviness with every step this time, knowing that's not scientifically possible because my body, the gravity here, has not changed since the last time we came, but it 'feels' different this time, possibly, maybe because of what I'm carrying.

I feel those soft hands on my arms and hear that voice say, "You welcome bestie and we're almost there okay?"

I exhale, nod, letting go of her, putting my hands on those shoulders, and feel her start walking again, slower this time, possibly because she knows something is different this time.

We get there, hearing her open that backpack, taking out the blankets, the tripods, the bag with those clips, and hear her setting up the tripods, possibly under some dirt like she did last time.

I exhale, hearing her unfolding one of the blankets, hearing her walking away, further to the left, where that woman is buried, hearing that inhale from her, the sound of that blanket opening into the wind, feeling the wind from that blanket moving through it, hearing her moving that blanket, knowing she must be making sure to cover that gravestone, that gravestone that was once my family that Jazmine says no one must visit because of how it looks, a gravestone that means nothing to me now, not after how much I enjoyed myself this time, here, where my parents raised us until they died, here, a place that belongs to us, regardless of any gravestone that inhabits it, and I grab that knot behind my head, pulling on it, and feel that cloth fall.

I inhale, feeling my smirk, seeing her covering the entire gravestone where the woman would be turning in her grave, seeing her pulling on that blanket so it covers every possible inch of the gravestone, feeling my smirk get bigger, and say, "Jazmine."

I see those eyes look up at me, see them open, and she says, "Huey what are you doing! Put the bandana on! I'm not done! Huey…"

I exhale, walking up to her, taking those steps, hearing her tell me to put that cloth on my face, getting to her, and go down and kiss her.

I taste those lips, feeling those soft hands on my neck, bring her into me, and feel her pull away.

I exhale, see those eyes, that fear, and she says, "Huey! Please, just…"

I inhale, grabbing that face, kissing her, wanting this, feeling her kiss me, feeling my exhale, breathing in this place, this place that smells like dirt, nature, insects, air, her, peace, regardless of gravestones that do not deserve to be here, not anywhere near my parents' gravestone, and I move away.

I see those eyes open, see her exhale, smelling that breakfast I made for us, the large breakfast I told her we would need before coming this time because we were going to be here earlier, seeing that worried look, and she says, "Why?"

I exhale and say the truth, "Because she's dead, doesn't mean anything to me, and I heard you putting that blanket over her gravestone, desecrating it, knew I wouldn't see that gravestone at all, and I want to help you setting up the other blanket on those tripods while you set up where we're going to sit."

I see that small smile, see her exhale, and she says, "Okay, but maybe, even if you're kind of okay with being here this time, let me set up the tripods so you don't have to look over here that much and you set up the blanket where we're going to sit, please?"

I inhale, knowing she's trying to take care of me even if I just told her she doesn't have to, at least not after having put that blanket over that woman's entire grave, seeing that worried look still on that soft face, and exhale, seeing her smile, knowing she won, feeling my smirk, and say, "Fine, hurry, and you're sitting on my lap today."

I see that fine eyebrow rise, see her small smile, shaking her head, and she says, "Okay bestie, two minutes."

I set up the blanket, placing her backpack where she likes to have it, at the top right corner of the blanket, and sit down on the blanket, stretching my legs out, watching her.

I exhale, watching her setting up that blanket using those tripods and clips, seeing the precision, almost like she took her time to calculate the best way to secure that blanket, figuring how many clips, how far from each one, not missing a beat, grabbing one clip at a time, starting with the bottom of the blanket and moving up, getting to the top of that tripod with that blanket and then dragging the blanket to the other tripod, seeing her doing the same with the second tripod, trying to not look at that body, those legs, that waist, that slender back, that neck, seeing that body, knowing my father would be proud and my mother would smack us over our heads, telling us to not think about women like that, to respect them, knowing my father would apologize and say he's just proud his son found a pretty girl, just as pretty as his wife, knowing my mother would probably smile and say what matters is if she's a good girl, can take care of me, isn't afraid to defend what feels right to her, including when I'm going overboard with anything, like my reading and researching, telling me to stop and take a break, helps me enjoy myself day to day by reminding me of times of no worry, like that replica in my room back at home she gave me, and still finds a way to keep me focused, energized towards my goals, the ones that mean more than money, property or prestige because what matters is whether someone lives honestly and with purpose.

I see her sit down in front of me, see her exhale with that smile, and say the truth, "My mother would've loved you and my father would've thought you were beautiful."

I see that mouth open, see that blush cover that face, seeing her entire face become that color I like to see, and I can't help the reaction, feeling myself laughing, seeing her smiling looking at me, knowing what I said is exactly the truth, possibly laughing at that fact, seeing her laughing with me, shaking her head, and she says, "Thank you but introductions bestie?"

I nod, feeling my smirk, look over at them, exhale, seeing that gravestone, feeling that heaviness returning, knowing this will pass because it's not scientific, this heaviness will pass because it's just feelings, inhale, and say, "Good morning, father, mother. It's only been a few weeks this time so I have less to apologize for but nevertheless I will continue to come see you more when we visit, and of course, like I said I would, I brought my girlfriend Jazzy again."

I inhale, knowing I did, possibly, maybe, tell them, those two dead bodies, last time we were here that I would bring her the next time I came, possibly telling them more than that.

I hear that voice say, "Hello Mr. and Mrs. Freeman. It's nice to see you again, so happy it was way sooner this time, and I promise I'll keep bringing Huey as much as he lets me but with how stubborn he is taking him away from his studying and books and then the organizations, like you know, it's just hard, but I promise, I will do what I can and remind him that we need to visit you at least two times every time we come, I promise."

I inhale, feel that hand on my leg, and I look over at her.

I see that small smile and she says, "So what do you wanna do? Last time I talked to your parents about what we've done since the last time we were here, everything we were planning on doing, and I can talk to them again, if you want, or we can be quiet, just eating, and being here, since it's such a pretty day, just enjoying the quiet? Whatever you wanna do bestie."

I exhale and say, "How about you sit on my lap first and then we go from there?"

I see that small smile, see her nod, and possibly feel my exhale longer, seeing that body crawling over to me, knowing this visit is starting even better than the last visit.


It has been better.

After having her sit on my lap it was quiet for half an hour, letting me listen to everything around us, some people, far enough that I knew they wouldn't bother us, seeing those rodents that would get closer to us every few minutes because we weren't making noise, seeing one finally getting close enough I saw that small hand move up to touch that squirrel that was more than likely going to give her typhus or ringworm.

I grabbed that soft hand, hearing her inhale, watching that rodent run up that tree, and I said, "How about instead of getting a disease, if not several, from those rodents that are not your friends, you talk to my parents?"

I heard that exhale, putting my fingers through that hand, putting my arm around that waist, feeling her move up, over me, wanting her to stay there, seeing that bun move sideways some, seeing her looking at that gravestone, and I heard her say, "Okay bestie, I can do that, if you want."

I nod and say, "I do."

I hear that voice say, "Well, Mr. and Mrs. Freeman, since the last time we came, almost four weeks ago I think, we went to those companies we were gonna talk to about those donations, you know, the ones for…"

I exhale, feeling my smirk, hearing her talking, feeling that excitement in that waist I'm holding, that jumping she's doing over me, knowing I'm more than comfortable and this can continue for hours.


I taste that cut up strawberry and mango, a combination I haven't had before, the mixture of a sweet fruit with a citrus flavored fruit, tasting that mango, the one she cut up so we could be here all day, after eating those sandwiches an hour ago, now this fruit, knowing while I made breakfast this morning she made our lunch and I saw her making eight sandwiches, which means we still have four sandwiches in that backpack she brought, too much, but she did it so we could be here all day if I wanted to, hearing her talking to them, and hear that voice say, "So Mr. and Mrs. Freeman I think I told you everything before we had lunch, then after lunch luckily I remembered I hadn't told you about last night's barbecue, how much fun that was, so I got to tell you about that, but if I do remember something else I haven't told you, I'll tell you."

I feel my smirk, seeing that gravestone she's talking to, that color, a dark green, one I just noticed, possibly because I've never cared to notice that color, the designs on that gravestone, those flowers at each corner, and I inhale, knowing they aren't just flowers, they're roses, my mother's favorite flower.

I do not remember if she also liked the color green, why that gravestone is green, thinking possibly my father liked that color, or maybe black and green are the only colors gravestones are offered in, but still, it could've been black, instead that gravestone is that dark green, feeling that heaviness, and hear that voice say, "Oh yeah, I'm so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Freeman, something so important and I still forget to tell you, Huey, he, um, your son gave me a ring this year for my birthday, he said it's a promise ring, and I think, after talking to my friend, you know Kenzie that I told you about, well, her and Mrs. Stewart, her grandma, I think from what they told me, that ring, a Claddagh ring, can mean a lot of things, like that we will always be friends, trust each other, want to take care of each other's heart, and maybe even only want to give our feelings to each other, and something else."

I hear her exhale, feeling that heaviness I'm carrying thinking about that ring, and hear her say, "Mrs. Stewart told me, you know, that Mr. Stewart gave her that ring, kind of, to tell her that even though they were too young to get married, he wanted to marry her one day, so he was giving her that ring for a lot of reasons and one of those reasons was for her to remember that no matter what, no matter how far they were, I guess because Mr. Steward had to live in England and Mrs. Stewart was in Ireland until they got married, that no matter what, even if they were living far away from each other, they would still one day get married, have a life together, and just."

I hear that exhale, feeling it, that heaviness, that ring, gravity pulling down on that ring, and hear her say, "Love each other a lot, and that's what it meant for them, but for us, Huey and me, I think it means that we'll always care about each other, trust each other, be loyal to each other in every way we can, and hopefully, I hope, only want to give our feelings to each other, so yes, I think that's what it means, and I'm sorry I almost forgot to tell you about that."

I hear that exhale from her, that nervousness from her, seeing the writing on the green gravestone, honestly and with purpose, remembering we have not talked about that ring, the one she's wearing, not since her birthday, not because we haven't had the time but because I'm a coward, and say, "It means more than that."

I inhale, forcing myself to not be a coward about this, about what that ring means, what I have not said about that ring, about feelings, and say, "That ring means that I have promised all of that to you, regardless of where life takes us, that I would trust you, which I have since we met as immature as you were, would continue to be loyal to you, something ridiculously easy when you're with someone you actually want to be with, and let you have these feelings, some that have festered in me, the ones I understand, like hate, anger, fear, and the ones I don't understand, ones that should have developed in me, like love and warmth, growing up in this world without parents who were the ones that were supposed to show us what those feelings were, what they meant, parents who I remember did those things, those things I do today, not enough, kissing, touching each other, in public, and in our home, laughing, and when they would look at each other, those times I remember, using whatever it is they saw in each other to move forward, not let those things from their past, the one my mother left in that house when she left that family, the racial discrimination my father dealt with every day trying to be a black teacher, an educated black man, the discrimination I'm sure he dealt with when he was in the service, knowing that was one of the damn reasons, aside from meeting my mother, that he didn't reenlist, what they saw each night on the news, what they saw here in this city, the life our community lived but also the fact that money, wealth, what my mother's family had could make people disappear, body parts show up in the mail, creating fear in those around them, including those they did business with, all of those cases I read about, the ones I know my mother more than likely found out about or knew personally, all of those facts about their life, what they saw around them, using what they saw in each other to move pass that, and."

I exhale, feeling it, the heaviness, gravity pulling down on it, I'm my pocket, seeing that gravestone, knowing this feels right, again, and say, "I remember walking with them, looking up at them, and seeing them looking at each other, like all of that, the reality of this world, their past, all of that was pitiful compared to what they had in their home, and then dying too early to teach us anything but what we remember, having only Grandad and Aunt Cookie who couldn't handle raising two black boys in this world on their own, shouldn't have had to, and still."

I inhale, feeling my smirk, seeing that gravestone, feeling that heaviness in my pocket, that warm hand touching my leg, relaxing, looking at them, seeing them, possibly smiling, and say, "Still, Grandad and Aunt Cookie did a decent job with both of us, especially Riley, who I know you would've let watch anything he watches on TV, making sure he understood the consequences of the actions those idiot rappers make, telling him, like you did when he would stay up late with us, wanting to watch the news with us, that if he did that there would be consequences, such as being tired in the morning when you would wake him up to have him eat his oatmeal, which he still hates, but he's better about his diet, but still."

I exhale, seeing them smiling, and say, "You would tell him now that he can watch whatever he wants on TV but there are consequences to watching those shows, such as talking like they do, thinking it's normal for people to cheat and lie to each other, like those rappers glorify, going from person to person, sometimes having children they'll only see once a month because they're too busy with their careers or trying to find the next woman to take care of their dumbasses."

I inhale, seeing her roll her eyes, those anomalies that were her eyes, and say, "I apologize, I meant to say them, you would tell Riley to not see them as examples but rather as what not to do, to be an actual artist, to sing, draw, paint if that's what he wants to do, but to not do it for the prestige and the one-minute fame those rappers that call themselves artists do it for, but do it for something that will outlast that, like you did, with your education, your word, because I remember, I do, when people would come to our house it was to visit, never to ask for anything because you owed no one anything, but rather they just wanted to be around you two, watching you, with Grandad and Aunt Cookie coming over to just be around you, to just be in your presence because that's all people, family, friends, wanted from you, because you owed nothing to anyone, why I know it was hard for Grandad to take out loans to pay for our necessitates, our damn clothes, because he knew you didn't want us to grow up like that, having to see him cash out his retirement to keep us out of destitute, and now having nothing to his name but that house, still not halfway paid off with all those loans he took out after we moved there, but still, he."

I exhale, seeing him smiling, proud to be his son, remembering closing the front door this morning, seeing him at the top of those stairs, smirking, possibly proud that we were coming here a second time during this visit, seeing that green gravestone, feeling that heaviness in my pocket, in my wallet, and say, "He's done a damn good job dad, he has, I know he has, regardless of his faults, Grandad has managed to keep Riley in line, no matter what he's had to do, and he's managed all of that without anyone's help but Aunt Cookie's."

I inhale, feeling that soft hand I'm holding, seeing her smiling, possibly blushing as she would when he would bring her flowers, roses, for no reason, he would show up with roses coming home from work, seeing that green rock with that writing, and say, "Aunt Cookie, she's done an even better job mom, she has, she's made it so that even with what he's watched on TV, the things he's been involved in, the many times he's ended up with bruises because he was being Riley, he's still a good person, more or less, the best younger brother you could've given me that's made me play video games I still see no point in but I can hear him enjoying himself when we play, something I want for my family, and Aunt Cookie, I believe with the food she feeds him, the hugs she gives him, those calls she makes where she'll wait for him to come downstairs to chastise him for not doing well in school, always finishing the call by telling him, telling all of us, that she loves us and misses us, I believe because of her motherly way of treating him, he's not as cold, as full of anger, as I am, because she's managed to reach him, something I know you would've done, every damn day, every day, because you."

I inhale, feeling that hand I'm holding, feeling that soft hand on my face, that hand moving over my face, seeing that green rock with that writing behind the covering of water, those words I can no longer read clearly, seeing her smiling, and say, "You would've done exactly that, what Aunt Cookie is doing for us, why I know, although you were loved by many mom, she misses you the most, talks about you like you were some kind of daughter to her, one she possibly wanted but couldn't have because the world is a cold, heartless place, full of those that need to die for taking that from her, and still, she smiles when she talks about you, every time, every single time, and."

I inhale, opening my eyes wider, feeling that damn shaking, that hand I'm holding, breathing, trying to breathe in air, seeing those eyes, that anomaly, yellow-brown eyes, a variation neither myself nor my brother received from her, hoping if either one of us has children that variation is prominent in them, inhaling, breathing in that air, seeing my mother smiling, having those thoughts, the ones from three weeks ago, the ones I knew I would be thinking about much later, the thoughts that started and ended three weeks ago, the night those greens and those soft hands spent time with her friends and Hiroko that last time in the backyard, trying to breathe in air, the night she asked me to elaborate on what the one-percent is, helping me focus, not breathing in enough air, that night Aunt Cookie walked into the living room, asked to speak to me in private, I stood up, walked pass Sarah and Leo who were walking in from the kitchen, heard them say they would let anyone who asked for me know I was busy, not enough air, walking up those stairs, not knowing I would be having those thoughts thereafter, too many thoughts, not enough air, as I followed Aunt Cookie up those stairs, down the hallway, into her room, not enough fucken air, and closed the door behind me.

I turn around, see her sit down on her bed, and feel my eyebrow rise seeing that box on the bed.

I look up at her, see her smile, and she says, "Sit down baby."

I nod, walking over to the bed, sit down, see her inhale, and she says, "Now baby, I know, because I know how sensitive you are that you don't like talking about your mother but."

I inhale, seeing her smile, and she says, "I know baby, I do, that it hurts you, why you never ask 'bout them, just sit there, reading your book, listening, hearing, paying attention to everything everyone saying, but you never ask, cuz it hurts you."

I exhale, looking down at the box, the box that's on the bed, not knowing why I'm here when we're supposed to be downstairs instead of talking about this subject when Grandad doesn't do this, when there's no open album anywhere in the room and Jazmine and her sister, who for whatever reasons find an interest, possibly enjoyment, looking through those pictures, are not here asking questions, hearing that voice asking me questions about those pictures in those albums we've pulled out of boxes, those boxes, seeing that jewelry box on the bed, and inhale.

I look up at her, see her exhale with her smile, and she says, "You smart enough to know what's in that box baby, 'least having some idea of it."

I inhale, possibly shaking my head, standing up, ready to be downstairs waiting for her to come back from the backyard, and hear her say, "Huey, sit baby, please."

I exhale, seeing her looking at me, knowing who she is, sitting down, looking at the wall behind her, away from that box, and hear her say, "Baby, listen will you?"

I inhale, remembering she is also the closest to a mother figure I have today, feeling myself nod, and hear her say, "This ain't nothing I planned and I'm not trying to do anything to make you feel anyway, you hear me baby?"

I exhale and nod, knowing she would not place me in a position I do not want to be in, cornered, with no way out, waiting, and hear her say, "I tell you baby, if you don't want this, don't want any part of this, you can walk out right now, and know I will not stop you and cannot love you any less."

I exhale, knowing she's speaking the truth, possibly giving me options, options I need to be aware of, and I look down at that box.

I see that box, a jewelry box, knowing she seldom wears jewelry, having a feeling of what is in that box, possibly, having this feeling of being here, in this room, where I just noticed there were two open boxes behind her door, and inhale.

Those boxes, almost an entire month now of pulling boxes out of that basement, still going through boxes she had us place in the living room, removing empty boxes from this room that she's gone through by consolidating items in those boxes into fewer and smaller boxes, I believe taking some of the items from those boxes and placing them around the house, some she said she made when she was younger, personal items, personal items like the book we found in that box five days ago, a translation of the Qur'an, one of his personal items, knowing there are more of their belongings in the boxes we placed in this room even if I have not asked, like the two open boxes behind her door, boxes that could have anything, anything that belonged to them, anything that belonged to her, remembering who she wanted to talk about, my mother, looking at that box, trying to not be a coward, and nod.

I hear her exhale and hear her say, "Good, now what I have here, something so special baby, is something I found in one of them boxes had you all bring into this room, something that belonged to your mother, my sweet Rosie."

I inhale, looking up at her, see her smile, that smile she has when talks about her, whenever she mentions her name, and she says, "And when I found this, 'long with some other things that belonged to my Rosie, your mother who I know watches you two, when I saw this wrapped in tissue in a little box, opened it, that little box falling 'part, like it was just waiting to be opened, holding onto something precious, unwrapping that tissue and two little things falling out, two little things I just knew, moment I seen them, they had belonged to my Rosie, one I knew, lord knows I knew, had belonged to her, and then."

I see her exhale, see her look down at that box on the bed, smiling, and she says, "Then knew those two little things that belonged to my Rosie needed to be outside that tissue, outside in the world, shining, and didn't know how that would happen seeing as my sweet Jeb and Rosie didn't have no girls."

I feel my eyebrow rise, see her look up at me with that smile, and she says, "But still, just knew they had to be out in the world, shining, and then, I remembered something."

I see her inhale, see her smile possibly get bigger, and she says, "I remembered that first day you'll got here on this visit and we were in the yard with those two angels seeing those pictures of you and your brother on your birthday, remembered that picture, one of your brother eating that cake, and remembered you that day, seeing you sitting there with Rosie, seeing you talking to your mother, asking her later that day why you looked so happy, that smile on your face talking to your mother, and Rosie told me why you looked so happy, so."

I see her exhale, remembering that day, that birthday, focusing on this, right here, right now, and not that day, not when too much is happening right now, not with everything we're doing here, not with what she went through eight days ago, that morning, waking up to that alarm, having her focus on being here since that day, focusing on this, right now, not eight days go or years ago, at one of my birthday parties I hardly remember now.

I see her inhale, see her nod, and she says, "So when I remembered that, I knew, outta these two things I found, these two little things that needed to shine in the world, not be in some tissue, in some box, hiding from the world, I'd give the one that Rosie told me that day was the reason you looked so happy to you baby and the other I'd give to your brother, remembering he liked playing with it when Rosie would be holding him, using it like some kind of toy he did, and then."

I see her exhale, see her eyes possibly water with her smile, inhale, and she says, "Then you two baby, you and your brother, can be the ones that figure how to make sure these two little things I know the good lord helped me find in that box shine in this world because my Rosie didn't have any girls, daughters, she had sons, good boys, smart 'nough to know how to make these two little things be in this world, and in this jewelry box you're gonna find the one thing you're gonna take care of, keep it safe so it can be in this world, you making sure it shines however you see best baby, because, remembering that day I asked my Rosie why you looked so happy, I know both you and your mother loved it, making me so happy because this here came from my own mother, was something my own mother gave me, gave it to my Rosie, and now to you baby, and I know you'll figure best way to take care of it, keep it safe, and make sure it shine for the world to see."

I exhale, confused, knowing I do not like this feeling, the one of deep confusion, remembering this feeling, the one I had finding that book, not wanting to think more about this, that book, any of it, having too many thoughts at this moment, wanting to get back to that couch, to wait for her to come back form the backyard where she's with her sister and friends spending time with Hiroko on the last night Hiroko will be here, wanting to get back to that, to have her help me focus, have her safe, not looking at that box, wanting to end this conversation for many reasons, this conversation about my mother, being in a position I do not know if I want to be in, feeling cornered, seeing the way out, the way out to end this, this conversation about my mother that's more than difficult, by trying to not be a coward, to get back to her and have her help me focus, looking at that box on the bed, grabbing it, ending this, and opening it.

I exhale, no longer able to see it, pass the cover of water, holding it, my wallet no longer in my hand, but rather this item, remembering this, what I have not thought of, have not giving it any thought since that day, hearing her tell me again to breathe, breathing in that air, not giving it any thought since that day, having filled our days with the work, having her help me focus, breathing, talking to companies that are not donating through the organizations, asking the same questions hundreds of times over the course of two days, keeping her safe, seeing my brother after he visited this place, being at the park to see her and her sister and friends playing a basketball game with my family, seeing her having fun doing that, having her help me focus, breathing fully, going through pictures to find those that were following her, keeping her safe, continuing to spend time with family at home, setting up tutoring sessions for children, black and brown children that have much less say, if any, than other children in this country, having her help me focus, breathing enough, spending time with friends, some I couldn't care for any less, some I had fun with, talking to her each night about the events of the day, hearing that voice, that giggle, keeping her safe, seeing that gravestone as I'm breathing in enough air, having her remind me of how right this, all of this, has felt, how right she feels, that soft hand in my hand, hearing her tell me to breath and hearing myself tell her I've carried this because it felt right to have it close, to not leave it anywhere but in my wallet, where it would be safest, not because I do not trust those around me but because I could then not think of it, not give it a thought, not feel it for three weeks, until now, being here, feeling the heaviness of it in my pocket, the one that needs to be taken care of, kept safe, and made to be part of this world so it can shine if that's what it means to be part of this world, what belonged to Aunt Cookie's mother and then belonged to my mother and now I would entrust to her.

I inhale, breathing, opening my eyes wider to see it, looking down at it, and see that stone on that finger, the same she wore it on that day, the day of that party, my sixth birthday, on that thin finger, touching it, feeling the smooth but jagged stone, seeing the variation of greens in that stone, a gemstone, variations of forest green, like her eyes in the evening, a silver band, hearing her voice.

Baby I see you looking at this ring whenever I wear it so I know you like it.

I nod and say the truth, "It's beautiful, like you," hearing her voice.

Always be a good boy, such a good boy, a respectful boy.

I exhale, hearing her voice.

Keep teaching your little brother to be a good, respectful boy.

I inhale, hearing her voice.

Always ask for help when you need it.

I exhale, feeling myself nod, hearing her voice.

One day I want you to give it to a wonderful girl, a good girl, the one you like the most. Can you do that for me baby?

I inhale, seeing that ring I possibly enjoyed, played with, when I would see it on her, that ring that fits that finger, that thin finger next to her thumb on her right hand, the same hand that has that first ring I gave her, feeling too much, feeling myself breathing, knowing the need for air, knowing the amount necessary for my lungs, taking in the right amounts, breathing, hearing that voice say my name, the name I received from my father, my dad, and I look up, seeing her, only feeling her presence, no other warmth, hearing no other sound, knowing that means there are no others around us, we are alone, here, and I trust her, feeling it, no longer the heaviness of that ring that was in my pocket, in my wallet, now on that hand I can feel on my face, that soft hand on my face, seeing those eyes with that water, seeing that small smile on those dark pink lips, hearing her say she's here and she's not going anywhere, and wants me to drink something.

I inhale, feeling those soft fingers putting something in my hand, nod, remembering where we are, the cemetery, visiting my parents, focusing, and take that drink.

I exhale, tasting that tea, warm because it's been hours since we arrived, seeing her putting the thermo down on the grass, feeling the blanket under us, knowing this reality, seeing that face with those tears on her face, putting my hand on those tears coming down that face, taking them away, that face I've dreamed of, and say, "Why are you crying when I just gave you another ring, one that belonged to Aunt Cookie, then my mother, and now belongs to you?"

I see that smile again, feeling my exhale, hearing the noise, those squirrels and birds, those rodents she wants to make into pets, seeing those eyes water, wanting to kiss her, and she says, "Because of everything, you talking to your mom and dad, everything you said to them, how proud I've always known you are of Riley, how much you love him, how grateful you are to Grandad and Aunt Cookie, and how much you."

I see her exhale, seeing her get closer, seeing those lips, and she says, "How much you try to not show the world how much you feel, how romantic you are, how sad you can get, how passionate you are about everything, and now I know how good you are at remembering really good things about your life, like how important this ring is, this ring that I'm going to take care of, keep safe, and make sure it's always shiny, cleaning it whenever it has even a little dirt on it, like when we play with Tam Tam and TT, because that's what you asked me to do and I know if you asked it's because it's important, and just know that every time this happens, when you think about your mom and dad, I'll be here, making sure you're sitting down, giving you water or tea, and talking to you until you come back to me, making sure to take those tears from your eyes so you can see what's happening when you do come back, reminding you that I'm not going anywhere and I'll be here when you come back, okay, now today's been hard, really hard for you, and I think, I know, that you need to lay down and rest, take a nap for an hour or until you wake up tomorrow, I don't care, but you need to rest, so let's go home and," and I kiss her.

I exhale, tasting her, feeling her push those full lips, not moving away from me, possibly knowing I need this right now, more than resting or anything else, feeling the tiredness from today, knowing she wants to take care of me, after giving her that ring, a personal item of Aunt Cookie's and then my mother's, all she's thinking about is taking care of me, remembering this feeling, the one of things having a beginning needing to have an end, something I know Grandad did say at Mo Jackson's funeral, that feeling I had when we found that book, a translation of the Qur'an, on the last week in July, a Wednesday, knowing the feeling of something beginning started that day, had hoped it would end that day when I continued to read that book, but it lingered, felt it fully again the following week, the first week of August, a Monday, when Aunt Cookie gave me this ring that belonged to my mother, and it finally feels like it's ending, on the third week of August, another Wednesday, here at the cemetery, visiting my parents, kissing her, bringing her into me, feeling her over me, grabbing that face, feeling her bite my lip back, groaning, kissing her, feeling how right this feels, it will always feel with her, only her, not caring why or how, just knowing it is what it is, wanting what I want, possibly feeling those tears right now, not caring why or how, kissing her, because possibly crying, what I do with her, is not cowardly, 'feeling' is not cowardly, 'feelings' are not cowardly, having a hard time seeing, going through, and taking belongings of your dead parents is not cowardly, feeling sad over them not having met her is not cowardly, because needing her is not cowardly, not caring why or how I understanding this, kissing her here, smelling her, the air, the dirt, nature within a city, hearing the birds and squirrels, those rodents around us, not hearing anything else but that peace mixed with history and warmth, the same I felt when I opened that book and then when I put that ring in my wallet to not lose it or think of it, peace, history, and warmth, a combination that makes me happy, even here where I feel pain and sadness to be because I miss them, kissing her, feeling that pain and sadness I have not felt before being here possibly because I was too much of a coward to feel them before, why I'm crying this time, because I'm not a coward, having too many thoughts, not caring why or how, having too many thoughts, feeling it all, and tell her honestly and with purpose, kissing that face, "I am tired, take me home, and take care of me."

I feel her nod, opening my eyes, seeing those eyes closed, and I kiss those lips one last time before I let her message Ms. Mona, because kissing her makes me feel like I'm not a coward for crying like I did right now, like I've done in front of her too many times, solely because I just heard her say it again, that she's not going anywhere and she'll take care of me.


I hug him, feeling him breathing, feeling my small smile, sad, really sad, happy, amazingly happy, hoping, with so much hope, that he's resting.

After yesterday, texting Ms. Mona, looking up, seeing him looking at me with that cute smirk, those red eyes, feeling my small smile, I covered those burgundies that were red all around, not asking him. I just covered those eyes and then made him wait there, putting everything away, and then we walked back down to meet Ms. Mona. And the whole way down I felt him hugging me, walking, kissing those arms every minute to remind him I was there. Then I saw Ms. Mona's pretty smile, got in her car, and then she drove us home. And after we got home, I heard him say thank you to her, I hugged her goodbye, and heard her tell us to always message her when we're here if we need a ride because other Uber drivers are not safe, making me smile, telling her we would, seeing her wave and drive away, and then we walked into the house.

I exhale, remembering walking into the house, seeing them standing at the bottom of the staircase, and saw Riley walk up to us. I saw that small smirk on him, saw him come up to me, felt him hug me, hugging him back, and felt him let go of me. And then I felt my smile, sniffling a little, seeing him hug Huey, seeing Huey get a little tense, and then hugging Riley back, seeing Huey shaking a little and then nod, letting go of Riley.

Then we ate, making his favorite, everyone wanting to eat some, even Caesar and Hiro who were on their way, so we took out the grill again, and made veggie burgers for everyone. I made sure to add those fresh mushrooms he likes to the two he ate, and then, feeling my smile, he told everyone at the table he wanted to rest, go to sleep early, but the next day he wanted them, Caesar and Hiro, to come over early so they could hang out, and not train.

And I hugged him all night, until he fell asleep, kissing that back.

And this morning I woke up to breakfast, feeling my smile. I sat up, saw him still sleeping, tired, that smooth forehead, relaxed eyebrows, those almond shaped closed eyes, that perfect nose, and his lips open just a bit as he slowly inhaled and exhaled, seeing how cute and relaxed he looked, tired, with almost a tiny smile, wanting to kiss him, and then I smelled breakfast again and coffee and that tea, knowing, feeling my smile. I got up, making sure to not wake him up, walked into the kitchen, seeing them all, feeling like laughing, seeing them all look at me, feeling so happy, seeing them trying to not laugh with me, and then I helped Aunt Cookie, my mom, my sister, and Ming and Lauren make breakfast.

Then we spent the day with everyone.

And, the best part, the very best part, was watching him laughing playing GTA, after he said he wanted to play it, asking Caesar to take care of the platforms and only let him know if anything they could help with happened or if Waldo or Ericka called them, heard that monotone voice ask me if I could check his emails, and then I pressed pause on their game. I saw him look at me, grabbed his face, and told him that I knew to check his emails and knew what to do if Black Lives Matter or any attorney for the people they were helping with their cases emailed him, I would tell Caesar and Ming and we would take care of it, asking Waldo or Ericka to help if we needed their help, and he needed to play and relax and trust us, trust me.

I felt him grab my hand, feeling him playing with that ring he gave me, the second ring he gave me, saw that smile, exhaling, knowing he was so beautiful, so warm, and such a good person, and he said, "Fine but I want to see you play the next mission."

And then we played, everyone playing at least one mission, even Lauren who kept saying she's never played GTA and she was going to lose, seeing her smiling and laughing when she would collect more money, hearing my sister call her a 'knife-throwing-Tony-Montana,' hearing everyone laughing, seeing Lauren blushing and laughing with us.

Then we ordered pizza, hearing my mom and dad saying we should watch a fun movie eating that pizza. So when we got the pizza we watched our favorite movie, well, my sister's, Ming's, Lauren's, and my favorite movie of the month, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, even if we had just watched it on Monday, three days ago, hearing the guys laughing at everything, where Harold and Kumar picked up strangers in their car, got help from that crazy couple, performed surgery on a guy and had asked the hospital if they had weed for the patient, and then the cheetah part, hearing Huey laughing at that part too and hearing him say the cheetah part was 'highly improbable but had some comedy relief.'

Then, after the movie ended, watching the credits, I heard Huey ask Caesar if he had figured it out. I looked over at Caesar, saw Caesar smirk at Huey, saw Caesar turn to Hiro, and Caesar said, "Bro, you figure it out?"

I looked at Hiro, totally confused, saw Hiro smirk at Caesar, and he said, "You ask for a Nintendo, I'ma figure it out, and yeah, it's my backpack."

Then, not asking them how they 'figured it out' because I really didn't want to know, feeling my smile, I saw Huey helping setting up the Nintendo, and heard dad tell them to move the TV out first to look for the plugs behind the TV, happy Aunt Cookie still has this TV with those plugs you need to set up a Nintendo, remembering Huey had to connect a 'USB adapter' he said so we could use the Roku we brought again.

And we played, for hours, different games Hiro had brought that Caesar was teaching us, not just the Mario Brothers and the Duck Hunt games we already knew, but other ones, like Donkey Kong, Mega Man, and even a game I really, really like, Metroid. I really want that game at home.

I exhale, remembering after that, when we had gotten half way through Donkey Kong because everyone really liked that game, mom said we should get up and stretch, maybe go to the backyard and her and dad would go with Aunt Cookie and Grandad to get us dinner somewhere, hearing everyone say either 'yes mom', 'yes mama', 'yes mama number two', or 'yes Ms. S', hearing everyone laughing, even Huey who hadn't said anything, but kissed my cheek, feeling my smile.

Then we went to the backyard and sat down in those chairs, feeling that sun, that warm evening sun in Chicago, loving it, hearing my sister and friends talking about the kids, how much fun they had making up those games to teach them where places were in the world, loving everything about today. And then I saw Huey get up, saw him walk over to the corner of the backyard, picking up that rope, thinking maybe he was going to put it away, and then I saw him walk up to me. I felt my eyebrow rise, confused, seeing him kneel in front of me with that rope in his hand, that smile I wanted to kiss, the evening sun making those dark burgundies shine a little, thinking about my new ring, how I would make sure to take care of it, keep it safe, and keep it clean so it can shine, because he asked me to and it's important, seeing that smile on him, and he said, "It's not a jump rope but it'll do to teach you how to beat them with a rope Jazzy."

I felt my mouth open, not knowing who I was going to beat with a jump rope or a rope and I heard my sister and friends all say they wanted to learn too, seeing that beautiful eyebrow rise.

I couldn't help it and I started laughing, nodding my head because that sounded like fun.

And after that, after learning how to restrain a full grown Caesar with a rope, wanting to just hang out until mom, dad, Grandad, and Aunt Cookie came back from that place dad wanted to get dinner from tonight, a placed called Kingston Kitchen he had said, we went inside, washed up, and sat down in front of the TV.

We went through the channels, well, Riley went through the channels and stopped at The Real Housewives of Atlanta, hearing everyone else tell him to keep it there, feeling my smile.

And then, not hearing him say anything for a minute, thinking maybe he was getting bored and wanted me to get him his prep SAT book or his English translation of the Qur'an book, I looked over at him, and I felt him kiss me.

I closed my eyes, kissing him back, moving up, feeling that chest with my hands, wanting to just be close to him, hearing the TV with everyone talking about how Nene came back this season and she's the one that gossips about how much everyone's paid on the show, and I moved back.

I saw him exhale, saw that cute smirk, and he said, "I know what you were going to ask and I'm fine watching a few pointless shows, just maybe for today, but later I might need something substantial to help replace the neurons I'm destroying right now."

I felt my smile, knowing he probably just meant this show was pointless because it wasn't educational but he'd watch it anyways, and inhaled, remembering something he said, something on the plane flight here about a jump rope, Nintendo, and shows, I think something he said in his sleep about pointless shows, playing Nintendo, and teaching me to beat people with a jump rope, and said, "Bestie, do you remember when you said," and I felt him kiss me.

I felt him kissing my face, hearing the show, feeling those lips on my face, how soft they were, the softest ones in the world, and heard him say, "Don't worry about what I said before, just be here with me, right now, taking care of me."

I exhaled, nodded, and said, "Okay bestie."

Then, when the show was getting good, seeing Nene going to talk to Kandi about what she said about her, we heard someone putting the key in the doorknob, and we all got up to go help them carrying the food.

Then we ate, having fun with them, hearing Grandad tell us about when he went to visit those housewives in Atlanta, had them all chasing him, and then he decided to go back to Woodcrest because those women were too much trouble, all of us laughing, hoping I would remember to add that story to my pink diary, hearing Aunt Cookie tell Grandad to stop lying, hearing us all laughing more, having fun, and hearing Aunt Cookie ask us what we were going to do for the next two weeks.

We all got kind of sad, told her we're going to rest this weekend, then shop and get ready the next week, then we'd have one week of doing nothing, just relaxing.

She smiled, saw her look at her plate, and heard us all say we loved her. She inhaled with that sniffle and we all got up and hugged her, not too hard, hearing her laugh and say she loved us too.

I inhale, feeling him move.

I look down at that face, that beautiful face that fell asleep I think half an hour ago with me hugging me, using my other hand to keep my head up, and just watch him.

And I feel him move again, watching him, making sure he's okay, after visiting his mom and dad yesterday, having fun today, relaxing, hoping he was happy, and seeing those lips move I hear him say, "Many thoughts Jazzy."

I inhale, holding him, going down to him, kissing that forehead, that cheek, feeling him breathing, and say, "I'm right here, sleep, rest, let me take care of you, please bestie, trust me."

I kiss that forehead, feeling him exhale, feeling that stomach coming out, breathing the right way, and see that small smile on that face, feeling my smile, seeing that smile, and hear that sound.

I look up at the clock, knowing it's late, it has to be, looking at the clock on the wall over the TV, and see that it is late, twelve thirty, and we have to be up super early in the morning, knowing I should go to sleep too, but I was waiting to make sure he was okay, and I hear that sound, a door opening. First a car stopping and then a door opening.

I inhale, not knowing why I know something's wrong, maybe because it's late and everyone's home, resting for tomorrow, but I just heard those sounds, in front of the house.

I exhale, hearing that sound, a door closing.

I look down at him, see him sleeping with that small smile, feeling my small smile, knowing he's resting and I'm not going to wake him for something that could be nothing important, nothing that he needs to wake up for, and I move my hand away, happy he stopped holding on to it so tightly ten minutes ago.

I cover him with the blanket, tucking him in, moving that afro away from his face, kissing that forehead, and say, "Sleep."

I move away, see him exhale, knowing it's nothing and I'm being paranoid, wanting to hug him again, but first, hearing more sounds out there now, I think talking, I need to check what's going on out there.

I get up slowly, walking down and not over him, down to his feet, walking around him, grabbing my robe from the couch, putting it on, and walk to the front door.

I look through the peephole that guys put in the door for Aunt Cookie and feel my eyebrow rise seeing that car, a black van or SUV stopped in front of the house and two people I think on the sidewalk, maybe talking to each other.

I exhale, knowing they can do that but why not just do that at their house or in their car, and I feel my eyes open seeing that person's hand come up I think to hit the other person and see the other person grab that hand.

I hear the talking louder now, seeing that person I think trying to pull their hand away, and see their other hand come up, and see that other person grab that hand too.

I hear the talking getting even louder now, almost yelling, and hear that sound, that sound from him.

I walk back to the living room, see that afro move a little, seeing that body moving with his long exhales and inhales, and I exhale, knowing he's still okay, he probably just made that sound because he's getting comfortable, and he needs rest, hearing those people out there that aren't letting him rest.

I exhale, getting really mad they can't do this somewhere else, walking to the table by the couch, grabbing my phone, putting it in the pocket of my robe, turning around, getting even more mad, hearing them louder now, walking back to the door, putting my converse on, opening the door, closing it behind me, hearing them now for sure, those two voices, a guy and a girl I think, walking up to them, seeing them, that guy and a girl with long hair, getting to the gate, hearing her tell him to let her go, and I say, "Hey, go talk somewhere else because people are trying to sleep here."

And I inhale, seeing them this close, feeling the door of the gate in my hand, seeing them turn to me, looking at both of them, not knowing what to say.

Why are they here?

I see her open her mouth and hear him say, "Dolores shut the fuck up and get in damn car!"

I see Dolores turn to him, see her eyes get big I think, not really seeing too much in the dark, and she says, "Don't you talk to me like that! Like you can talk to me like that! You're just a thug Cairo so remember that! And I should be mad! Angry at you that I paid you! I paid you Cairo and you didn't do anything and I know that because Huey never came to me! He never came because you didn't do your job!"

I inhale, not liking her talking about him like that, like Huey's a thing, a creature, that just comes and goes to people, and say, "Both of you just leave, we're trying to sleep, and we don't want to hear you two screaming at each other."

I see her look at me, see her inhale, not remembering her eyes being hazel until now, maybe because it's dark and her eyes are shining because of the moon, and she says, "You! You weren't supposed to even be here! I told him! I paid him for him to make sure you didn't come! Cairo you! You!"

I see her look at Cairo, see her inhale, maybe mad, and she says, "You! This is all your fault! If you just would've done what I paid you to do! Just made her stay there and give him my messages he would've come to me! I know it! He would've wanted to know how we can help him! We would have a plan now to get it all! But no! You didn't make that white girl stay there when I know Huey wants a real one! Me not her! Not half of what he really wants! But you didn't stop her! Why, if I paid you! I did! And you didn't do it Cairo! That's all you had to do! But you didn't because you're just a thug! A thug that can't get it right and I keep trusting, not paying anyone else but you because you at least sound better than those other ones! But you're just like them! All of them! You're just nothing! And that's why you made me give the money to your mother! Because you're stupid! Instead of taking it, doing your job, one fucken job Cairo, and then just leaving, you made me give the money to her when I had her investigated and found out she just drinks her money! Then you didn't do anything I paid you for, nothing! And then you stayed, instead of leaving like I know you were supposed to last week just so you could probably ask for more money for jobs you're not gonna do! God! I hate people like you! I hate them! You stupid, worthless…"

I exhale, not really caring, hearing her yelling, screaming, and say, "You're pathetic, clueless, and probably the dumbest girl I know."

I see her stop, see her look at me, see her open her mouth, feeling myself letting go of the door of the gate, seeing her eyes get big, walking up to her, seeing her step back with that purse in front of her, and I stop.

I exhale, trying to calm down, knowing this isn't me, hitting a girl like her that doesn't know anything isn't me, hitting a girl that has enough money that probably doesn't know how to defend herself because she's never needed to isn't me, trying to calm down, and I say, "Leave, just go, and I don't care why you're here, why you thought it was a good idea to stop here and have your argument here, in front of Aunt Cookie's house, when you knew I would be here taking care of him, specially because I know he doesn't want you."

I see her open her mouth and I step up, seeing her inhale and not stepping back this time, feeling my smirk, seeing her inhale, mad, and I say, "I know he doesn't want you, I don't know what messages you paid anyone to give him, I don't know how you thought paying someone to stop me from coming was gonna work if I get to decide if I come, and if Huey was going to come I was going to come too, and."

I see her open her mouth and I say, "Dolores let me finish or I will slap you and I know you're pretty enough you care about me leaving marks on your face but believe me if you don't let me talk I will drag you back into that car myself. Do you understand?"

I see her squint her eyes at me, see in inhale and nod, and I exhale and say, "Thank you, now I don't care what you want with him, I don't, I don't care about that money you want, and I know he doesn't either if not, knowing Huey, he would've, I'm sure, he would've looked for you, right?"

I see her inhale, see her exhale, smelling that perfume she's wearing, not remembering her wearing perfume last year, seeing her exhale, mad, and she says, "You finished?"

I exhale and say, "You're so dumb, I'm trying to make you see that it's not gonna happen, it's not, but you're too sick to see it, just leave, and don't get near him again or I will drag you down the block."

I see her inhale, see her exhale, see her tilt her head, looking kind of crazy, reminding me of someone, maybe, and she says, "Are you finished?"

I exhale and say, "Leave."

I see her inhale and she says, "I was asking if you're finished so I can tell you that at least you're smart enough to know I am pretty, a lot prettier than you, why eventually he will come to me, not just because of the money, reminding him with messages."

I see her look at Cairo, squinting her eyes at him, see her exhale, and she says, "Messages he will get next time, messages telling him that I can help him, I can, and if he doesn't come to me."

I see her look at me, feeling my eyebrow rise seeing her smirk, and she says, "I'll never stop, every time you're here, I'll have people look for you, taking pictures of you so I can use them to do something to you later, anything, I don't care, because I know, because of our families, we were meant to get married and have it all, and if it wasn't for you, you stupid white girl that's not what he wants, if you're even half, I would've had him, had it all already, him living with my family until we could get married, where he's supposed to be, with me, not with you or this house that's in this place, falling apart, disgusting, like that woman, all of them, all of them that are just the same, they all just drink their money, why it's easy to get their sons to do anything for me, like that thug's mother, or they live alone because their husbands left them, like that woman that lives here, had her investigated too, and I know she had a husband before the one that died, a husband that left her because she was sleeping with other men, seeing those reports after he left her where she said he would hit her when I'm sure it was other men that were hitting her, probably because she would keep going to them even when she was married, why she deserved that he left her because she was…"

I hear the hit, feel the hotness, that pain in my knuckles, inhale seeing her going back, seeing her going back, moving up, grabbing that hair, her head, swinging again, seeing her scream, feeling that pain in my hand that I've only felt when I'm hitting the guys in our training, feeling those arms around me, telling that stupid bitch that no one talks about Aunt Cookie like that, no one, pulling that stupid hair, hearing her scream, thinking about all of it, all the amazing women I know, everything she said about them, last year, right now, lies, seeing her face, too far away with those arms pulling me away from her and I move up and I swing.

I feel that pain in my hand again, seeing her face moving to the right with that slap, seeing those scratches on her face, telling her she doesn't know anything about them, about Huey's parents or Aunt Cookie or Cairo's mom, she knows nothing, pulling that hair, hearing him tell me to let go, pulling that stupid perfect hair, hearing another voice, that voice, hearing him telling him to let me go, feeling those arms, feeling those arms pulling me into him, letting go of that hair, pulling me away from that hair, pulling me away from that girl crying on the floor because she's a stupid bitch, smelling that cologne, feeling him holding me, moving away, hearing that voice, looking around for that voice, seeing those eyes, pushing those hands around my waist down, telling him to let me go, hearing him tell me to calm down, that he'll take care of me, telling him to let me go, seeing him running to me, feeling myself stomp on that foot, hearing him curse, feeling those arms letting me go, and push my way out, running to him, getting to him, pass the gate, and push myself into him, telling him I'm okay, I promise, I'm okay.

I feel those arms hug me, hearing the crying from the stupid girl, the cursing, saying she hates us all, hearing other voices, hearing my sister's voice say what's that bitch doing here, hearing Cairo ask me if I'm okay, hearing my sister tell Cairo to get that girl out of here, hearing her telling him we don't need this, shaking, shaking I'm so mad, so mad about what she said, what that stupid bitch that doesn't know anything said, hearing that voice, his voice, telling Cairo to leave and take her, feeling myself moving, so mad, so angry I want to turn around, I want to, knowing I can't or I'll beat her, feeling that heat behind me, moving me towards that house, hearing that voice, Aunt Cookie's voice, hearing her telling Cairo to take that girl home and go home to his mother right now.

I exhale, passing my friends, feeling them touching me, walking back into the house, feeling myself relaxing, still shaking, and I feel her hug me.

I hug her back, hearing my mom tell me she heard enough and she's proud, Riley's here, and she'll make her leave.

I nod, trusting them, and I feel her let go of me.

I feel those warm, hot, arms holding me again, walking into the house, knowing this is not how I wanted this night to go, not for him.

Please Black Jesus, please, please, help them get her out of here, keep them safe, and let him and everyone in this house rest tonight, please.


I exhale, worried, not being able to help it, seeing those tired eyes, seeing her smiling at my mom, and she says, "Sweetheart I swear I feel just fine, had many sleepless nights in my life and last night I went right to sleep after all that commotion left the front porch so don't you worry 'bout me, not one bit, just worry 'bout how much I'm gonna miss you and be sure to call when you'll land, you here?"

I see my mom nod, seeing her inhale I think trying to not cry because this time, this time it's been so much better, not knowing how it could be better, knowing it couldn't have been.

I exhale, seeing Aunt Cookie's red eyes look over at them, see her smile at them, and she says, "Got my hugs from all these angels you'll brought me this time, hoping it ain't the last time, and which one of you two next?"

And I inhale seeing Riley hug her that fast, seeing that smile on that face, seeing Riley putting his face in Aunt Cookie's neck, hearing something, I think hearing her say that she loves him and to remember what they talked about, seeing him nod and hearing him say he will and he loves her, seeing him let go of her, seeing those burgundy eyes of his completely watery, full of tears, see him blink and shake his head, and see him turn around, walking away.

I exhale, feel that squeeze in my hand, look over at my sister, and see my sister walking over to Riley, seeing him standing there, looking away from us.

I inhale, not knowing what he's feeling but knowing my sister will try to help him, seeing her step in front of him, look up at him with that small pretty smile, and see him hug her, and I hear that voice say, "How 'bout you baby?"

I look over at him, see him standing there next to Grandad looking at Aunt Cookie, see him blink, seeing him there, thinking, and see him take that step up, bend down, and hug her.

And I feel my smile hearing him say he loves her.

I hear Aunt Cookie inhale, hear her sniffle, and hear her say, "Love you too baby, and like I told your brother, those things mean nothing if people taking care of them ain't being taken care of by good people that love them, and I expect my call 'morrow, you hear me?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, not knowing what she's talking about, but having a weird thought, remembering her smiling, looking at my hand, when we got back from visiting Huey's parents two days ago and were having Huey's favorite, those veggie burgers, at the table with everyone, feeling my whole face getting red, seeing that big smile on her, those tears at the corner of her eyes, looking at my hand where I had my new ring, remembering Huey said this ring was Aunt Cookie's and then his mom's, hearing Aunt Cookie ask me if I could make her some tea, getting up to make that tea for her, trying to get away from that table before I felt more embarrassed.

I blink, seeing him walking up to me, hearing everyone walking, seeing those eyes looking at me, blink, feel that kiss on my forehead, and he says, "Aunt Cookie wants to have a minute with Grandad, we'll wait for him inside."

I nod, turning to give Aunt Cookie and Grandad privacy, walking in, trying to not look back even if I want to because I know I'll just run back to her for another hug, seeing everyone walking in front of me, feeling my small smile that we're all going back together, all of us, somehow, I don't know how and don't really want to know how all of us are going back home on the same plane, walking into the airport.

I see Ming and Caesar walking next to each other in front of us to my left, feeling my smile, then my mom and dad in front of us, I think with dad holding her hand so she doesn't turn around, feeling my smile get bigger, then Hiro and Lauren next to them holding hands, knowing I'm smiling for real again, and exhale, seeing them next to Hiro, that mocha colored arm around my sister's shoulders, walking, all us, feeling that hand grab my hand, putting my fingers through his, looking up at the signs, feeling my eyebrow rise and my mouth open, knowing it's the wrong one.

I stop and say, "Bestie this is the wrong," and I see that face, feel him kiss me, closing my eyes, the first time kissing him since we woke up, only kissing once because everyone was up early to get here on time, feeling him move away, opening my eyes, seeing that cure smirk, that raised eyebrow, not knowing that look could be so hot, hearing my sister somewhere asking why we're at the wrong airline.

I see that face, that smirk I'm so kissing when we're alone, and he says, "This is the right airline for us."

I exhale, knowing, and say, "No bestie, the right airline," see him exhale with that smirk and he says, "This is the right airline for us."

I exhale, confused, annoyed a little that he's not listening, seeing that smile, and he says, "It's the right airline for where we are going."

I feel my eyebrow rise, really confused, and say, "But, we're going home bestie."

And I hear that announcement, "United Airlines flight one seven five four to Covington, Louisiana will begin boarding in one hour, please ensure you have gone through…."

I see those light maroons shining from the morning sun coming through the windows in the ceiling, hearing the planes taking off, remembering that plane, that big plane, that flight, going to sleep on the plane, waking up, remembering the announcement in the plane when the airplane captain said, "Ladies and gentlemen we have arrived in Covington, Louisiana, please wait until we have landed to…"

I inhale, seeing that smile, feeling my eyes getting watery, feeling those tears, blinking, feeling that tear, and hear myself say in a voice I remember when I was little, "How?"

I see that smile, feel that hand on my face, those fingers moving over my cheeks, seeing him exhale, and he says, "I've known that look, the one where you've felt guilt since the last day we spoke to her."

I inhale. No. I'm fine, I'm, I feel that hand under my chin, feel it moving my chin up, making me look at him, seeing those eyes again, trying to not cry more, feeling bad that he saw I felt guilty, and he says, "Jazmine you can hardly lie, if at all, even less to me, so I knew, you've felt guilt since that day, and," and I say, "But Huey I don't," and I feel that kiss, closing my eyes, trying to not cry, feeling him move away, and hear that monotone voice say, "Jazmine, stop it, you've felt guilt, some form of sadness and there's not a damn thing wrong with that."

I inhale, opening my eyes, knowing he's talking about feelings, see him exhale with that small smile, almost a smirk, and he says, "And so, I was going to figure it out, solve that problem, fix it, however I had to."

I exhale, knowing I'm so lucky, seeing him smirk, I think seeing those mocha colored cheeks blushing a little, and he says, "And it was fairly simple really, I looked through the schedules of flights, talked to those that needed to be involved in this, and now all six of us need to check in to this flight."

I feel my mouth open, confused, and feel those arms going around me, feeling her hugging me, blinking, feeling her jumping, hugging me, hearing her say, "Sissy! We gotta go! We gotta go! Hurry sissy!"

I look over at that face, see those tears and I turn, hugging her, jumping up and down, crying, too much crying, laughing, and feel those other two sets of arms hugging us, laughing, crying, hearing them tell us they're so happy for us.

I exhale, letting go of them, happy all I have on my face it sunblock, wiping my face, looking at Lauren and Ming smiling at us, smiling, confused, and say, "But who else is," and I feel those arms, feeling her hugging us, look over at her, seeing that pretty smile, those baby blue eyes a little watery, feeling those arms I've known my whole life, sniffling, and she says, "We have to hurry babies."

I feel my mouth open, not knowing what to do, blinking, and see that head over my mom's head, that big smile, those eyes that remind me of the black night sky, and he says, "Let's go girls because Huey still has to go through that extra security."

I exhale, hearing that groan, the laughing from everyone I think, hearing Riley say he 'don't wanna be late and hurry it up so McHater can get that security check he's too gangster for,' hearing the laughing, as I'm counting.

My sister, Riley, mom, dad, Huey, and me. Six of us. All of us are going, all of us.

I exhale, closing my eyes, not believing this, feeling it, those tears, that avalanche of happiness, feeling those arms hugging me, hearing them say to not cry and we're going to have fun.

I inhale, nodding, trying to stop crying, feeling the happy tears that keep coming out, feeling my mom and sister letting go of me, and say, "Okay, but what about," and I feel those other two sets of arms, hugging me around my waist, feeling my smile, hugging Ming and Lauren back, and hear Lauren say, "Yep, you're thinking about us because you're being Jazzy, and we just wanted to be here to hug you and tell you we'll be at home when you get back from your trip okay and Aunt Cookie is waiting outside to take us to our airline."

I inhale, blinking, nodding, trying to not cry more, and hear Ming say, "Jazzy make sure you have hella fun, make sure Cin bear has all that fun you all need to keep having, just being there, and Michael and me are gonna take care of all the emails and the platforms and all that shit so you and your afro can just read books and eat a shit load and get lots of sun, alright?"

I exhale, shaking, nodding, trying to not cry, feeling them letting go, and feel those other arms over them, smelling that coconut lotion, hugging them back again, feeling my sister, Ming, and Lauren, and say, "We love you so much."

I hear them say they love us, nodding, feeling that hand on my lower back, knowing, and nod, letting go of them.

I stand up straight, seeing them smiling, and see them, behind Ming and Lauren.

I see them step up to us, seeing them looking at us, and I smile and move in, hugging Caesar and Hiro, feeling my sister hugging them over me, and hear Caesar say, "You'll have fun and don't worry tiny one, we'll take care of everything, alright, everything, and I'll take care of my girl too so Cin don't worry 'bout her, alright?"

I nod and hear Hiro say, "And you'll should know if shit goes down, anything, we can take care of it all, we know, and we'll be checking on Mr. Freeman, and more important, Lauren staying with me or with Ming 'til her folks get back."

I exhale, happy to hear that, remembering her parents aren't going to be home for another week and she was going to stay at Ming's house and our house, going back and forth however she wanted, until they got back, and hear myself say, "And I'll take care of Hu," stopping, knowing my sister just said she'll take care of Riley, at the same time I said it, smiling, and laughing, hearing the guys laughing.

And I hear that voice say, "Well, cutie pie, baby girl, Sarah, Leo, and my two loudmouth, big headed grandsons, you'll have fun and…."

I go under that arm, see him, seeing him smiling, walking up to him, getting to him, and I hug him.

I feel my sister's arms over mine, hearing him inhale and ask us when we got so strong, hearing everyone laughing, and hear us tell him we'll take care of Huey and Riley and we'll miss him and we stop, laughing, knowing we said that at the same time.

I exhale, feeling that hand on my lower back, knowing, and hear that monotone voice say, "Grandad you are going to do what we said, no arguing about it?"

I hear Grandad inhale and hear him say, "Only staying with Ms. Lola cuz I want to and you and your brother ain't telling me I can't be home by myself, damn, I ain't that old that can't take care of," and I hear a few, a lot of voices say, "Grandad!"

I hear that exhale, feeling him hug us back, smiling, and hear him say, "Cutie pie? Baby girl?"

I look up at him, smiling, see him looking at both of us, see him exhale with that small smile, and he says, "Know you will but make sure to keep an eye on them two, only thing got left from my boy."

I inhale, trying to not cry at how that sweet and sad that was, nod, and say, "Yes Grandad," hearing my sister say, "Gots you Grandad."

And I feel that rough hand grab my hand, feel the pull, hearing the announcer saying our flight will be boarding in forty-five minutes, feeling him pulling me, seeing them, and waive at them.

I see Ming, Lauren, Caesar, Hiro, and Grandad all start walking back to the doors, seeing Aunt Cookie there, missing them all already, hoping after last night this isn't some weird happy dream I'm having because I'm so tired, knowing I'm not going to ask any questions, at least until Black Jesus makes me think of them, feeling him pull me, and I look forward, seeing my mom and dad at the end of that check-in line with my sister and Riley walking up to them, as we're walking to them.

And I see that broad back I'm following carrying my carry-on, not knowing when I dropped it or when he grabbed it off the floor, feeling my smile, not asking questions, just happy, focusing on those warm rough fingers pulling me towards that check-in line.


I feel that movement, look down, and see those eyes closed.

I exhale, knowing after checking in, getting through security, answering all those damn questions, going through my pointless possessions, I walked out of that office and I saw her standing there.

I walked up to her, saw that smile, and heard her say everyone was waiting at the terminal and she wanted to wait for me, and I tasted those lips.

Then we walked to the terminal, hearing that excitement in her voice, feeling my smirk, and I grabbed that soft hand, seeing those fucken idiots looking at her.

I inhale, seeing that face, remembering finally sitting down at the terminal, and heard her ask me how much it all cost. I felt my eyebrow rise, seeing her going through that small bag that can't hold anything, and told her it wasn't important. Then she looked at me.

I inhale, seeing those closed eyes, sleeping, remembering that look, those full pursed lips, that focused look, making me somewhat nervous, not wanting to figure out at that precise moment when it was that she started having that effect on me.

And it took less than half a minute, less than half a damn minute, of her looking at me in that way before I exhaled and told her most of the expense for the change in flight was paid using the money my brother and I received from Frank and Monica that we were going to use for Chicago but didn't have the need for it, and she asked me about the restaurants we went to, the places we spent time with each other that cost money.

I inhaled and said that's why my brother and I both work, aside from helping Grandad with the bills, so she nor my brother's girlfriend, have anything to worry about when we go out.

I saw her inhale, saw that look, that damn look I didn't want to see on her, and she turned away from me.

I inhaled and said her name.

I saw her inhale, looking forward, not looking at me, and she said she wanted me to promise I wasn't going to spend any more money when we arrived.

I felt my eyebrow rise, seeing those freckles over that small nose, seeing her breathing in those right amounts, and I told her she didn't have to worry about that.

I saw her exhale and she said, in that voice, that voice I hadn't heard in some time, "Huey, look, when we get there, we'll just eat at home, only go do things that don't cost money. Please?"

I inhaled, seeing her looking down, possibly at her hands on her lap, hearing that attendant saying the flight was boarding in five minutes, and I heard that whiny voice say again, "Please bestie, please?"

I inhaled, hearing that whiny voice, the one I know she stopped using some time ago, and I exhaled, seeing that small smile on those lips, feeling my smirk because she knew she won again, and I was going to do just that if that's what she wanted, and I heard my brother tell us they were going to get in line.

I exhale, seeing that mouth open, those closed eyes, sleeping, those freckles over that small nose, seeing her breathing in those right amounts, sleeping, after last night, and I inhale.

That fucken worthless piece of shit.

I felt it, got up, knowing she wasn't there, heard that scream again, getting to that door, walking out, feeling that fucken energy, and saw her possibly trying to pull a girl's hair off, saw that body being grabbed by that worthless piece of shit, telling him to let her fucken go, seeing him look at me, seeing that hate from there, seeing him pull her closer to him, knowing I was going to fucken kill him, after I secured her, I was going to fucken kill him, getting to her, seeing those greens look at me, seeing her blink, and saw her do that move, the one I taught her when she was ten, the summer before the first semester of middle school, knowing I wasn't going to be around anymore and I possibly, as a ten year old, wanted to make sure she knew how to defense herself, a move she's made her own, and I saw her using that small foot to step on him, possibly having to use all her weight.

I exhale, feeling that movement, that warmth on my side from her hand, holding me like she does, seeing her sleeping, possibly happy, regardless of last night, and inhale.

I exhale, knowing, regardless of what happened exactly one month ago tomorrow, when that disgusting piece of shit set off that alarm waking her, he won't fucken know she won't be at her house for another ten days, seeing that small smile, knowing she must be happy with the changes that started three weeks ago when we were waiting to see the woman that owns that school supply company and offered Waldo that job, those changes that started that day, the changes I talked to Sarah and Leo about first.

The day I spoke to them about it I saw Sarah look down at her phone, heard Leo ask her what she was doing, and she said she was going to give me her credit card to pay for it, and I told her that wasn't necessary and we would use the money Frank gave my brother and I seeing as we had yet to pull anything from it, and I saw look up at me, saw her exhale with that Jazmine smile and she said she wouldn't argue with me because she knew me well enough.

Then I talked my brother about those changes, what I needed him to do since we was sleeping in the same room as Grandad and could more easily talk to him in private. I saw that idiot smirk and he said he would remind Grandad every damn night and morning if necessary about calling Ms. Lola to confirm he could stay with her while we were gone so he wouldn't be alone. It was only then we told everyone else.

I exhale, knowing those changes were well worth it, watching her, seeing that smile, feeling my smirk, wondering what that Jazmine head is dreaming of, seeing her exhale, and hear that voice say, "Went DuSable two times Mr. and Mrs. Freeman."

I inhale, feeling that, remembering her saying all she said to them, feeling that book I closed two minutes ago, and I look down.

I exhale, seeing it, under that arm that's hugging me, putting my hand over those intricate golden designs, a book that should not have been in that house, but it was.

I inhale, remembering that voice saying I had been holding on to this book for half a minute, asking me to let go of it, seeing that book that landed face up in that box.

I exhale, seeing that front cover, and hear that voice say, "The noble Qur'an, English translation of the meanings and commentary."

I exhale, feeling my smirk possibly, seeing I've only been through some pages because I'm digesting it again, the meanings, what the author feels the meanings are seeing as one translation can have unlimited meanings, not necessarily focusing on it while I read it here, just reading it, possibly with no real purpose, no goal, because I wanted to.

I feel the material I've felt the times I've opened it, making sure to put it back in my luggage between my clothing every time I was done reading it, to keep it as pristine as possible, seeing the fading of that blue cover, well-kept, hearing that voice say.

"It's beautiful."

I do prefer black, although this book comes in blue as well, like the one I'm holding, a color most of these books that deal with religious scripture come in, but, I exhale, knowing it is beautiful.

And I feel that warmth leaving my side, not wanting that hand to leave my side, seeing that arm moving, and I feel my eyebrow rise seeing those long fingers touch that book.

I exhale, seeing that thin finger drawing out the designs and hear her say, "You reading?"

I exhale, rolling my eyes, and hear her say, "I meant are you gonna read bestie?"

I exhale possibly longer, seeing her still drawing out those designs with that thin finger, focusing on that finger, that ring on that finger, that gemstone, drawing out those designs, and I inhale.

I feel that hand on my face, feel it turn me, and see that face, that worried look on the soft face, and she says, "Are you okay bestie?"

I exhale, breathing, feeling that hand on face, the one with both those rings, pointless, but they mean something to me, and say, "I'm fine and I was still calculating if starting a new surah was worth it seeing as we'll be landing soon."

I see that sun from the window making those eyes squint and see that smile.

Damn she's beautiful.

I see that blush cover that face, wondering if I've lost all my senses and I speak my thoughts out loud on a weekly basis now, seeing that smile possibly get bigger, and she says, "Well, since I feel rested now and I kind of want to stay up with you until we land and you know I kind of get a little sick on the landing so I should probably focus on something, can I maybe."

I see her exhale, feeling my eyebrow rise, wondering why that blush just expanded to cover her entire face, and she says, "Read a little with you?"

I feel my other eyebrow rise, confused, knowing her interests lie in other religions, annoyed, and say, "You don't have to take an interest in this if you don't want to Jazmine. I told you, they're my beliefs, ones I'm still learning about, researching, and you don't have to believe them, not a single one."

I feel that palm that was making me feel happy leave my face, see her look down, and I grab that chin, making her look up, and say, "Jazmine, I know that look, tell me."

I see her exhale, that long exhale, seeing that she's possibly annoyed, wanting to kiss her now, and she says, "What if it's not completely about you Huey? What if I just want to learn about all religions and ideas, so maybe I can help people, little kids that come from families that have a different religion, maybe religions I don't know, so when they bring other books for tutoring we set up and they want to read those I'll know those books too, not helping them with reading them, but at least making sure other kids know to not bother that little kid when they're reading the Qur'an or the Torah or the bible or anything else? What if I just want to learn more and learning about that religion, not just the practices, but what that religion's about, is something I want to do for me, even if one day you do say you're Mus," and I taste her, bringing her into me.

I kiss her, kissing that face, hearing noise, possibly people that don't matter, and feel her move away.

I exhale, annoyed that we have these seats because we're on a smaller plane where only two seats are next to each other, the passenger load was light enough we were able to move around so we could all sit next to whoever we chose to, of course my brother and Cindy going to the far back of the right aisle so they could play their portable video games and listen to their prerecorded basketball games on their phones as loud as they wanted, Sarah and Leo sat next to the emergency exit in that same aisle because Leo believes those seats tend to allow for more leg room and he said he would take the responsibility of opening that door and helping everyone off in case of an emergency landing, and Jazmine and I took two seats in the middle of the left aisle where we saw that no one would be behind or in front of us, but we didn't count on those girls in the middle aisle moving back, which is why although we have these two seats with no one behind or in front of us we're not alone damn it.

I inhale, seeing her smiling, seeing her roll those greens, and hear those girls again, the ones that she said were looking at my brother and I when we were putting our carry-ons away and she said moved several seats back to sit next to us in the middle aisle, apparently with some of their friends going to sit further back next to my brother and Cindy.

I exhale, not caring what those girls are saying, and grab that face, tasting her.

I feel those arms going around me, hugging me, kissing that chin, that cheek, that face, hearing noise, not caring, and hear that voice say, "Bestie, we should," and bite that lip, taking off that seatbelt she refuses to take off when she's not standing because she's safe, bringing that body into me, and I bite that neck, tasting her, knowing, even if I possibly enjoy the next ten days, it's going to be that much fucken harder because we could be heading home, ready to have her under me, hearing her say my name until her voice is gone, only feeling what it feels like to be inside of her, and hear her say, "Huey, please."

I exhale, biting her, feeling those hands under my shirt, knowing there's a restroom on this plane but she deserves better, better than that, better than this, on a plane, treating her like this, and kiss that neck, feeling her shaking, moving away from that neck, seeing those eyes looking at me like that, feeling myself twitch, and exhale, trying to relax because that's not happening, not for another ten fucken days because we'll be with family, in a house that apparently only has one two guest rooms, knowing Leo and my brother will take one, Sarah, Cindy, and Jazmine will take the other, and I will be sleeping in the living room or possibly in the hallway, away from my brother's snores that have only gotten worse as we've gotten older, and know that's enough. I can be in the hallway next to that room, because there she'll be safe, safer than she was in Chicago and even more so than she was in Woodcrest, because no one, other than close friends and family know where it is we're going. And that's enough. And I need to calm the fuck down.

I see that hair out of that braid she had before she fell asleep, that darker skin now that looks too light in the sun, that Egyptian green she has at this time in the morning, those freckles she received from some race that wasn't white, which ever one it happens to be, and say the truth, "You're beautiful and I need you to help me calm down before I take you to that restroom in the back even if you deserve better than that."

I see that small smile, see her exhale, and she says, "You're beautiful and if, maybe, we both need to calm down, we can, I don't know, maybe read that book, you know, focus on it?"

I exhale, seeing that smile, not looking down this time after saying she wanted to read with me, knowing I don't want her to do that again, look anywhere but at me, where she should always be looking, and I nod.

I inhale, looking back down at that book, the book that's hiding my semi-erection now, seeing it, and exhale, knowing her well enough, knowing she looks over my shoulder when I read certain books, did so the few times I read this book at Aunt Cookie's and when we were at the courts before she started playing that game with her friends and my cousin, knowing she hasn't read it from the beginning, where all books start.

I inhale and say the truth, "You haven't started this book from the beginning, although it's not necessary, what is necessary is that you start at that beginning of a surah, of what some call a verse, but in your case I believe you've never read one through so we'll start at the beginning, at the book cover, and you tell me when you're done reading the page."

I exhale, seeing that hand touch that book, that hand with that gemstone and that traditional Irish ring, and hear that voice say, "Okay bestie, remember I'm right here."

I inhale, wondering why this feels more than right, seeing that hand with that ring, the one that belonged to my mother, the one that possibly made me happy when I was younger, seeing that hand holding the edge of the book cover, trying to decipher it all, all of these feelings from the last seven weeks being here, this entire damn summer where I had fun, fun I want to keep having, regardless of any family, because I belong to my father, my mother, and my father's family, and I cover that hand, feeling that soft but jagged gemstone, grabbing the book cover between those long thin fingers, and open the book to where all books start, to where I haven't opened it to since the night we found it in that box, to the first page next to the back of the book cover, looking at the back of that book cover, and I exhale.

As I sit here, about to start this new interpretation, I'm thinking about you. My sons. And I realize I do not have much to give you but whatever it is we accomplish together, all four of us, until you grow up to be the men I know you will be, at which point all we have accomplished will be yours. Right now I can say I have accomplished some only with the help of your mother and only through her, but I can possibly give you something that is mine to give, and that is my faith. Wherever it is life takes you, which I know we will be there to see every step of the way, I know god, who I am choosing today to call Allah, and you can choose to call by any name, will be with you. But I do ask that in return for this faith, and I know this is selfish of me to ask, you see your goals, your dreams, whichever they may be, through, but more so than that, that you remember every day of your life that your mother and I love you and we want you to be happy. And so, I think I'll end this here, and start this book before your mother walks in on me again and tells me I'm staying up too late, again.

– Your father who loves you.

O Allah benefit me with what You have taught me, and teach me that which benefit me, and increase me in knowledge. – Ibn Majah 1/92, Sahih Ibn Majah 1/47

Your daily life is your temple and your religion. Whenever you enter into it take with you your all. – Kahlil Gibran.

I inhale, seeing that water, those tears on that cover, over that writing, a letter of sorts from my father with two quotes, one from the Qur'an praying for knowledge when studying the Qur'an, and the other from Kahlil Gibran, a Lebanese-American writer who was writing about one's daily actions being as important, if not more, than one's home and religion, and inhale, knowing this did not happen the first and last time I read this, feeling that soft hand on my face, possibly taking those tears away, and hear that voice say, "What you're dad wrote is beautiful bestie and remember you don't have to figure it all out today because you have time, lots of time, what you do need to know, I hope for sure now, is that you deserve to be happy not only because you're such a good person but because your dad for sure wanted that and he said they both loved you and Riley so that means for sure they both wanted that for you two, to be happy, and as your girlfriend I want that for you too but I know first we need you to focus so let's start reading because we're gonna land soon and," and I close that book, turning to that face, seeing that fine eyebrow rise.

I exhale, grabbing that face, feeling that soft face in my hands, seeing those full lips, feeling my smirk, seeing that small smile on those lips, and say, "That Jazmine head, I know, but first we need to make sure our actions right now are as important as any religion we ever study in this or any other book and even more important than that is once we land and see grandma we're not going to have," and I exhale, tasting her, reminding me she is faster than I give her credit, putting my arms around those small shoulder, bringing her in, feeling those breasts, again, the ones I haven't tasted in seven weeks, not since the last night in Woodcrest, in that bed that smells like her that has too many damn pillows, a bed that's too damn soft, feeling her under me, washing myself in her, smelling her, feeling how soft and strong she feels, feeling my dick twitch, knowing the next ten days are going to be excruciating thinking every day we could be in that bed or in my bed, alone, at home, even if this, tasting that tongue on a flight to Louisiana to visit her grandmother for ten days before we go back to Woodcrest, to that institution, to those rooms, those beds, feels more than right, it feels like pieces falling into what she calls my heart.


Hello everyone,

Fuck, I love this story. I hope you are all enjoying it so far. Please comment if you want, gives me that umph to keep going. Shit. So much to tell still. Okay, everyone be careful. I believe in science. You'll know what I mean.

-Bulma's Ego.