CHAPTER III: BEARING
"You're...you're Beric..." the woman whispers numbly, her right hand rising towards my face but falling from uncertainty. I try to reach out to her but find myself just as uncertain, my right hand reaching to touch her face but stopping before making contact. Her left hand slowly rises and manages to touch my palm, her touch feeling familiar but unfamiliar. Her touch causes fragments of memory to fight their way to the surface of my mind, my eyelids twitching from abnormal images trying to become known. I slowly close my hand around hers and feel the memories become more coherent, a slow exhale escaping me as I move my right hand out of her grip and towards her face. I whisper before I touch her cheek, "I think I know what to do...and this will hurt a lot..."
I don't wait for her reply and gently touch my hand to her left cheek. A surge of pain and disorientation flood my mind, forcing me to shut my eyes as the fragments of memory are ripped from my thoughts and replaced with new ones. Unknown images and impressions fill the gaps, one image flowing into the next like a torrent of confusion. The hurricane of images slowly starts to condense into coherent memories but they're travelling through my mind so quickly that I have to focus to obtain meaning from any of the mess. I catch glimpses of a life I never lived in a land I don't recognize. I witness my saving Roeray from a fatal wound to her head, sacrificing my essence so that she could live on. I watch the horror of my rebirth into a hulking monster half fused with nature. I died a second time, killed at the hands of men who didn't care what I was because all they wanted was Roeray's power.
The memories rush out of my mind and the present slams into my senses harshly. Everything starts to spin and I quickly lose my balance, my body falling to the right and hitting the ground. I can barely make sense of anything because all I can hear is buzzing in my ears and all I can feel is a dull pain in my limbs. I try to focus on anything but can't manage anything, my vision blurring until everything becomes vague smudges. The smudges start to swim and dance across but among all of the incoherence, I vaguely make out Shalltear gesturing to the surroundings. Cold embraces my scales and it feels like I'm falling, the world darkening around me until all I can see is blackness.
I close my eyes and feel the darkness take me to safety.
I wake up disoriented by the renewed sensations slamming into my dulled senses. My body is driven to impulsive action as I surge to my feet, a dark field of flowers expanding around me from horizon to horizon. The only noise is from my breathing and movements and when I look up, there's a pale light beaming from the sky but no moon or stars to give off such light. I start running towards the horizon, trampling flowers underfoot in an attempt to find a way out of this place. My mind races as fast as my feet, vague impressions and memories offering none of the answers I need.
"You gave yourself an intracerebral haemorrhage when you dislodged part of your soul and merged it with new parts," a voice states knowingly from all around me, my body freezing in place and turning in place. I look around frantically but feel nor see any new presences around me but the voice continues its thoughts as if oblivious to my reaction. "You will survive in the waking world, as will Roeray given enough rest. Right now, however, you are in a state of limbo between life and death."
"Who are you? Where are you? And where am I?" I blurt in growing confusion, the voice chuckling aloud from all around me. I feel a familiar sensation on my right hand and watch the shadows dance around my palm, coiling and shaping into a clawed hand holding mine. The shadows grow into a humanoid figure that I start to recognize but I don't want to give in to the hope the figure brought. I pull my hand out of their grip, their talons opening as they whisper with sadness, "I understand your distrust... you saw me die and that part of your mind collapsed... but we're cursed in the same way all creations of supreme beings are... we cannot truly die..."
"What have you become?" I whisper with a mixture of horror and apprehension as the shadow's form starts to take on more defining features. I can no longer deny her rough resemblance to Doris but I can't tell if she's the one I lost or an imitation created from my mind. Instead, I latch onto what I can remember and say to them with irritation, "You couldn't be bothered to tell me that before you passed on? Do you know how long I couldn't function as a being because of how much grief I had to suffer through? And now, all of a sudden, you and Roeray return into my life unannounced?"
She growls at me and crouches down as if ready to leap at me but she doesn't follow through with her posturing. From her crouched position, she snaps at me in an accusing bark, "So it's my fault that I didn't know what we were even though you didn't know anything yourself? It's my fault that I chose to save your life despite the suffering I would cause? Who was it that wanted answers to questions that others weren't asking, huh? Who was it that set all of that pain in motion?"
I can't think of a way to respond because, despite my urge to rebuttal her, she's right. The shadow rises to her full height, her frame a clear head taller than mine as she continues her rant. "Even after all we've suffered, you still don't have the answers you want. If you didn't want me back, why did you call me? I'm not here by choice."
Her comment is the answer and the realization makes me smile and laugh, both actions irritating the shadow greatly. She storms towards me with ill intent but before she reaches me, I shake my head and say calmly, "I could barely stand when I was awake so I couldn't have called you back. I'll have to talk with Shalltear after all of this is over."
The shade picks me up by my shoulders with minimal effort, causing all of my good mood and composure to evaporate. There's no mistaking that if she wanted to, real or not, this being could tear me limb from limb. The shadows imitating Doris' fur crawl along my arms, the feeling of their presence uncomfortable where once, it was tolerable. Though I want to fight her and release her hold on me, I can't bring myself to strike no matter what rationale I think up to justify the action. I relax a fraction and ask nervously, "I take it that I'll return to the waking world once my mind is healed."
"You're in a coma in the waking world and can't leave this place until I allow it," the shade hisses with a wolfish grin, her teeth just as sharp and menacing as I remember. Suddenly, the situation goes from strange to dire and all of the advantages go to whoever is holding me here. I'm at the mercy of this being and they tighten their grip slightly on my shoulders, whispering in obvious anger, "Let me tell you how I see things because you view everything through the lens that's told to you. You need another perspective."
She lets go of my shoulders but something seizes my wrists and ankles, pulling me to the ground and pinning me there. The imitation takes a seat at my feet, whispering while looking away from me, "When I was first born, I remember the confusion...I remember asking an array of questions that you're familiar with now...who am I, what am I doing here... I remember the field of strange flowers with the small tree in the centre... the field around us is an ill remembered thing."
I try to struggle out of the shadows holding my wrists and ankles but they don't obey my will and I don't have the strength I used to. My struggle goes mostly ignored by the imitation who sighs to herself before saying, "There was this child near the tree... barely a year old, crying to itself, no one around to help... I had no idea what to do but my initial instincts were to stop the child... so I acted on that impulse and tried to tear their throat out..."
A pained gasp escapes me as memories flood into my mind unbidden, memories of what she's speaking of tearing free. I can hear my crying voice screaming out into the surroundings and feel her teeth latch onto my neck ready to rend flesh from my neck. A calm and clear voice calls out to us both, halting the pain in my neck but not arresting my voice. I snap painfully back to the silence, a cold numbness filling my limbs as Doris states, "Roeray stopped me from killing you... she told me that I was brought to life to protect you... to help you grow and keep you safe... but it wasn't the whole truth..."
"What's happening...to me..." I gasp as I struggle futilely against the images being forced into my brain. Most of the sights are fuzzy and incomprehensible but a few of them burn themselves onto my mind and try to force their way into my current thoughts. Doris tells me in a soothing voice, "I'm trying to help you remember but you're fighting the memories. You know some of the truth but you don't want to acknowledge it."
Another memory forces its way into my thoughts, startling in its intensity. I was nine years old and asked why Roeray and Doris had to leave. They told me that by existing, they were putting too much stress on my body and soul that would kill me in a few years. Another would be taking care of me but I didn't want to go, didn't want to abandon the ones who helped me survive for so long. One year later, they gave me to-
"-Gralesia Lowarm!" I shout into the silence, the realisation slamming into my mind like a hurricane. The hurricane blew away more misremembered scenes that I start to focus on, each image coming into more and more clarity. I struggle against my binds and feel them come apart while surging to my feet and shouting angrily, "I should've remembered! I was supposed to be there for her!"
When I reach my feet and look around, I'm no longer in a silent field of flowers. All around me is the burning village of Irlo, dead men, women, and children littering the streets. The earth and cobbles are painted with their blood and bile even as the living soldiers, once defenders of this village, attack their own with wanton abandon. Raw hatred dumps into my system as I rush forward with sword and shield in hand, the soldiers turning away from their sport to challenge me. Each of them wears the faces of a man I once knew and respected but twisted by their personal evils into the face of an enemy.
Steel meets steel as close combat is joined, metal screaming it outrage as I quickly change my stance and dance around their blows. With sword thrusting and shield slamming, I assault their exposed flanks and fell them one by one. They scream out in agony but I don't let them suffer for long, my sword arm swinging and thrusting where I can find an opening. My boot stamps down on skulls when I don't have the time, spilling the contents onto the ground to join the painting of madness.
Only one other figure is fighting among the burning homes, a woman with a slender spear and a square wooden shield resisting to the last in defence of those trying to flee. Her armour is torn and blood leaked freely from rents in the plating but even completely surrounded by soldiers, she fights on with skill and raw determination. I rush to their defence at a sprint, my sword stabbing between the armour and helmet of the nearest soldiers as I bash and cut my way into the circle of their trap. The woman turns to me and I step over another dead soldier but I turn them away from me, placing my back against theirs as I shout, "Together! Face the enemy!"
The soldiers shake off their daze from my sudden intervention and resume their attack us as a single mass. More men stormed towards us as we drew those around us into the fight, the crackle of flames on the burning homes giving the roars of anger and the ring of steel a more desperate feel. The two of us are utterly silent as we fight, circling in unison to deflect blows from former protectors. Spears, swords, maces, and even fists rain down from every angle, each blow opposed by our shields or weapons. Swift counter blows end lives in an instant and soon, we have to watch our footing to avoid tripping over the rising pile of corpses beneath us.
The men show no fear or sense of self-preservation, striking at us with blind hatred despite how many were already dead nearby. We showed them no fear or hesitation, the men we once called friends and comrades cut down mercilessly with spear and sword. Then, as soon as the battle started, it ends with my sword punching into a man's brain through their eye, the blade pulling free coated in further blood and matter. My breathing sounds uncomfortably loud in the silence and my body remains tense despite the growing silence. Seconds pass by painfully slowly as I wait among the corpses of the slain, the flames burning violently around us and my loud breathing the only sounds left.
"It's already too late, Beric...I died that night..." the woman states between breaths but I try to shut out the words and swiftly turn around to meet the woman's gaze. She looks just like I remember her with long blonde hair, brown eyes, and the features of a retired soldier. Her words cut into me worse than any sword as she says gently, "It wasn't your fault... you did what you had to do-"
"I wasn't there to protect you! I joined the guard to keep you safe and I failed!" I shout at her, the feeling of self-loathing making me angry. I throw my weapon and shield on the ground and feel tears run down my face as I shout in growing anger, "What kind of man can I claim to be when I couldn't keep my mother safe!? I caused this calamity to consume Irlo when I fought against Lord Ainz! The wave of fear and madness that was released was my doing! Irlo fell because of me!"
She doesn't reply and approaches me instead, her weapons dropping from her hands as her arms bring me into an embrace. The horror finally breaks through the anger and all of the painful emotions come flooding out in a torrent of misery. All I can do is hold her as I say between sobs, "I'm sorry! You told me not to be reckless and I didn't listen! I forgot and everyone I love is gone because I forgot!"
"It hurt too much to remember," she whispers as she rubs my head like she used to. The scene around us melts away now that the memory is complete but my mother remains in place, holding me as I try to calm down. She keeps rubbing my head as she says gently, "You try so hard to find answers and do the right thing but you end up being just like any Lowarm before you. Impulsive, short-sighted, reckless."
"Thanks, mom..." I whisper with irritation painted with regret, my mood slowly shifting away from sadness bit by bit. She moves me so that we're making eye contact as she states, "I knew what I was getting into when I loved your father. He was straightforward with me about everything and when he decided to pursue the love of his life after thinking she was gone forever, I helped him because that's how much I loved him. In hindsight, that led us to everything that happened to Irlo. If I didn't help them, they wouldn't have done what they did and gotten themselves killed. I wouldn't have had to fight our soldiers to defend the people they protect. I am not faultless either."
She smiles at me and shakes my shoulders lightly, saying with joy and admiration, "But then you wouldn't be here if none of that happened. You wouldn't have proven yourself more Lowarm than any of us ever could be. You even went as far as breaking the cycle of heartache by getting married and having something to live for beyond proving yourself... though I must say, I don't approve of your choice in women."
"I knew you wouldn't. You wanted me to settle down and live a farmer's life with little need for adventure. I wish I'd listened then," I reply with regret but my mother shakes her head, smiling widely as she comments, "No more regrets. I taught you better than that. What's our family motto?"
The words she wants to hear hit me and I feel their weight for once. I'd never considered our motto valuable until now but with as much conviction as I can muster, I reply, "A Lowarm marches forward, carrying the future with them."
"That's my boy," she says as she releases her embrace and crouches down. She picks up her spear and shield from the ground before rising, placing them into my hands and making sure that I'm holding them correctly. I'm stunned from holding the two most precious items she has in her possession, items she never let leave her side, but she states to me before I can be dumbstruck, "I don't need these in the afterlife and you need something to remind you of where you're going. You better treat them with more respect then you treated your own war gear. I still remember how bad you are with maintenance."
"I will, mom...thank you..." I say with some confidence but I can't keep my composure. I can already tell that the exchange is almost over because her energy is dissipating and I can't feel anything but sadness again. She sighs and says to me with sadness and hope, "I have to go now, Beric. I'm finally free of my personal purgatory thanks to you and I really want to see what the afterlife is like. Your father is waiting for me...maybe..."
"He is. You have to save him from his personal purgatory too. He blames himself," I state with some humour, my mother smiling and snorting to herself. Her smile drops as rushes forward suddenly and hugs me tightly around the shoulder, my arms moving around her to try and match her embrace. She starts to cry but I whisper to her gently, "It's okay, mom. I remember now. Father chose to wait for you so he remembers too. Make sure he doesn't outpace you this time and... we'll see each other again."
I smile sadly as she finally fades away, free of her nightmares.
