This is possibly the longest chapter I have ever written. Thought about splitting it half and then decided otherwise. So close to the end. Can't believe I am finally going to finish writing this story. I hope you guys enjoyed and still enjoy it. As for those who have been here since day one, thank you so much for your patience and loyalty. Also, guys, you can ask me anything about this story on Tumblr or here.

Trigger Warning: Graphic description of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. Please do not read if it's triggering for you.


Long gone are the days when having sex was easy and it only required two healthy human beings fully consenting to touch each other and please one another the way they both liked. It's different now. Now, Tegan has to prepare everything, including Sara's comfortable position in order for them to…have sex…if you can call it that. It's her fault anyway so she can't really complain. At least Sara hasn't lost the feeling in her genitals. At least she can still feel horny, cum, and ask for more.

Having sex was so hard for them. It took them awhile to touch each other. It took them awhile for Sara to consent and want it but Tegan was patient because she knew it was all her fault and she was ready to do anything to repent…again. To start over…again. Sara believed because Sara loved and wanted her. What could Sara do, anyway? It took them more than a year but it happened.

Tegan put the pillow they used for this routine underneath Sara's back and she added one under her butt. That one was specifically used for sex because it collected all the fluids. Tegan washed it after every routine as per request. "Okay, slowly," Tegan mumbled, parting Sara's legs and Sara tried to push her body to help her lover. "Okay…good." Tegan could see her clit but access was still little. In order to tongue-fuck her she needed better access. "I'll open more, okay?"

"Yeah…" Sara was too horny to say anything. She just watched her nude…wife—they liked to call each other that; they wanted to get married and having different last names, allowed them legally to do that…they just wanted their daughter to forgive their relationship and forgive them—attempting to get her comfortable. Those breasts were delicious. She wished she could reach for them. Maybe she could tell her to push those hard nipples in her mouth so she could suck them.

She touched hers once she felt the tiny pinch in her clit. She began to twirl to get herself ready. Tegan laughed a little. "Shut up," Sara mouthed with a giggle.

"I didn't say anything." Tegan was getting her own toy ready, lubing it and rubbing the head. She usually did that; when she fucked Sara with her mouth, she would stick the dildo against the headboard behind her so she could fuck herself using it. God, how she missed getting fucked by Sara.

It's all her fault.

Of course they had to change the whole sleeping arrangement for this position. Sara would have to lie down on the opposite side of the headboard for Tegan to use it to fuck herself.

"That's too much lube," Sara commented. "It'll feel cold."

"Yeah, I don't have your natural lubrication, you know." Tegan shook her head with a giggle after pecking Sara who poked her nipple to tease her.

"You can sit on my face after you're done with me," Sara offered. Tegan groaned. They had been doing that daily for the past week.

"No. I want a dick inside." Sara chuckled. "I'll put one inside you if you behave." Sara felt her opening cry for it. She wanted it.

And that's how they had sex. It happened daily…yes, every day since they had arrived to Scotland except for the week before with Sara's hormonal issue due to menopause. Sex hadn't been better but they were still unhappy because Sally was hot and cold and left them hanging.

They were able to find out she left the last three letters unread because she was scared. The letter that narrated Tegan's deteriorating health was the last she read. She did remember the rest so she didn't want to read anything, she told Stacy. Stacy told them. She tried to convince her, but Sally shouted that she needed a break and indeed she did.

It's just…Christmas was a week away. Sara and Tegan almost lost hope. When they didn't have sex, sometimes they cried…together. They just sat there and cried.

Sara

Tegan's loud moans wake me up in the middle of the night. I move hazily towards the bed and push my body next to her to calm her down. I shush the moans and rub her arm. I've been doing that for the past two days. She's in a lot of pain but I can't do anything.

Sonia wakes up next and begins shushing her, too. She walks up to the bed and puts a hand against her daughter's forehead to feel the sweaty heat and brush the damp strands of hair. She eventually falls asleep and I fall asleep next to her until I am awakened by Sonia because the nurse and doctor ask to check on Tegan.

More crying and moans are heard in the room. The sounds break my heart. I am not sure if she's in mental or physical pain or both. She only cries and says nonsense and sleeps. The amount of medication she's taking is ridiculous. I feel so sad for her.

"Go to work," Sonia whispers. "You should." I shake my head. "You won't do anything in here. She'll be crying until she falls back asleep, Sara."

"I feel so terrible." I begin to cry because I can't stand watching her in such pain. I've never seen her in such pain. It's always me who cries and moans and whines but never her.

"It's temporary. At least now she can have a normal healthy body. She should have dealt with it a long time ago." I nod, wiping my falling tears. "She'll be alright."

I go home, I shower, I change my clothes and then head to work. Sally sees me and asks about Tegan.

"Same as yesterday," I tell her. "Are you good?" She nods. I haven't talked to her much. The day before was when I moved Tegan to the hospital and got inside with her during the procedure. After that, Sally was extremely silent and I was mentally exhausted. Sally visited for an hour yesterday but Tegan spent the whole time crying in pain. When Sonia arrived and then Emy visited, the room felt too crowded for us so I drove her to Stacy's because she has a midterm today. The ride was quiet and she didn't ask about anything. I didn't feel like talking. I'm not sure if we're still fighting or not. Stacy told me she's been awfully quiet and I fear that Tegan might have told her something.

"I'm okay," she says, nodding. "I'll see you later."

"Wait…umm…" She turns around, looking at me. "Did you do well?" She nods. "Good…ummm…wanna visit her with me after school?"

"Can I?" I furrow my brows. "I don't know…it felt awkward yesterday…Grandma was glaring at me or something...or at the fact I was there?"

I roll my eyes and chuckle. "Not at you…She was just pissed off. Of course you can come. Maybe she'll feel better when she sees you."

At the end of the day, I find Sally waiting for me outside of my office when I leave. "Let me just say something quick to Stacy and I'll be right back, okay?" She nods and goes back to stare at her phone.

I knock on Stacy's door before I enter, finding her staring at a couple of files on the computer. "You're taking Sally?" she asks, eyes still glued on the screen.

"Yes, for a little bit. Can you pick her up? I might not be able to drive her back. I'm not sure though."

"It's fine. I can." She begins exiting all opened files and the browser to shut the computer down. "Can you try to…" She sighs.

"What?"

"Try to make amends?"

"You talked to her?" Stacy nods. I sit down on one chair. "What happened?"

"Look, she didn't tell me exactly why you guys were fighting and I tried to listen to her fully without letting her know that I am aware of the reason, but I could tell her regret what she's done. She's a good child. She understands we care and we love her. She misses you and she said that she understands your perspective and you shouldn't be afraid she'll do something you're worried she might do because she knows what's right and wrong."

"How can we trust her? She was about to sleep with tha…"

"Sara," she interrupts me, "we should trust her so she wouldn't do what we don't want her to do. You know this very well. We can either suspect her for the next three years and ruin our relationship with her, or we can just trust she'll do the right thing and support her decisions."

She's right. She is absolutely right. "Yeah." I guess I am controlling and overprotective. "I just fear Tegan will take her away from me. I…"

"Don't worry, though…Tegan hasn't said anything to her. I made sure."

"Thank God." I sigh in relief. "Thank you."

"By the way, I sent some flowers to Tegan…I know I am the last person she'd like to see so I just…"

I chuckle. "You're an angel." She smiles at me, nodding. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome." She blushes and I do, too. She's nice and beautiful and deserves better than me being in her life.

I grab some food for Sally and me on the way to the hospital because I know she'll be hungry and hospital food is disgusting. We chat in the car while eating. I ask her about her day and if she's okay after Tegan's issue.

"I'm fine…I just…" She shrugs.

"What is it?"

"I thought I wanted to be a gynecologist but now I just…I am so disgusted with what I saw…I don't think I can. Like I'll be whatever doctor not a gynecologist." I laugh very loudly. I never thought she wanted to be a gynecologist. I never even thought she wanted to be a doctor. "Yeah…that was horrifying. It's like she was giving birth or something. Was that her womb out of her vagina?" I nod, apologetically. "It hurt, right?"

"Yeah. It really hurt her. She's been in pain for the past week. I don't know why she kept postponing calling the doctor."

"Is it because I was in her house?" I shake my head and take my last bite. "Because she was so uncomfortable and in pain, too."

"She's just stubborn." Sally nods. "Are we good, Sally?"

"We are, mum." She smiles at me. "I am so sorry." She looks down at her greasy hands. Her red ears expose her bashfulness and embarrassment. "I know I was being a bitch and I just wanted to piss you off and I know you were trying to protect me but…I don't know why I do this sometimes. I love you so much but sometimes you get on my nerves and I try to piss you off to win I guess…I'm sorry." Her voice breaks and I hear a sniffle.

"Don't cry," I mumble. "I know you're sorry. I'm sorry I…didn't give you space ever." I give her a hug and she kisses my cheek. "Okay, don't put your dirty hand on me. Take some wipes and clean your hands, please." She smirks playfully and reaches for the wipes I take out of my bag.

We head to the hospital where we find Emy in the room. Tegan is awake and surprisingly quiet, but she's just staring at the muted TV screen with untouched food in front of her.

Sally walks up to her to give her a side hug but she pushes her off gently.

"It's fine," I whisper when Sally sits beside me dazed and confused.

"How are you, Sally?" Sonia says with a sweet smile. "You look so good, honey."

"I'm alright." Sally smiles politely, but she's clearly not comfortable.

I walk up to Tegan and ask her in a whisper about her state. I rub her knuckles and kiss her temple, not caring who is staring at us.

"Did you know…," she says, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"Know what?" She gestures at Emy. I look back and Emy sighs.

"She's pregnant," Tegan says with a wistful chuckle, "at this age." Her tears begin to fall. "And you don't even wanna give me my daughter? You're a selfish fuck, Sara." My eyes widen immediately. I take a look at Sally who seems too confused to understand and Sonia whose face has turned pale and yellow. "Sally, I am your real mum, not her."

"Oh my God," I cover my mouth, taking a deep breath. "Tegan…what the fuck?"

"Sara, she's on a lot of meds and she's hallucinating. I should have told you. She's been saying nonsense all morning," Sonia says, getting up. "Maybe everyone should leave and just let her sleep? The meds are…"

"It's not the meds, fuck you," Tegan screams. "Sally's mine." She's crying hysterically. Sally is terrified, staring at me with wonder and fear.

"I'm so sorry," Emy whispers. "I puked twice and she guessed it on her own and she's been saying really weird shit since I came here." I nod, grabbing Sally's hand and pulling her out of the room.

"Sally, stay here, I'll just grab my stuff and follow you. We shouldn't be here." She nods with furrowed brows. I have to think of something to tell her.

I go in and Sonia stops me from getting close to weeping Tegan. "Just leave her. She really is on a lot of meds and not even half sober."

"This is fucked up."

"I know." She nods, pushing me out of Tegan's way. "Just leave…go to your place. She'll be home tomorrow, hopefully. She can't handle pain well so they gave her many painkillers other than the medications she has to take right now." I nod, taking one final look at her. She looks at me with angry eyes. I shake my head at her and leave.

"Why is she saying this?" Sally asks me while we're walking to the car.

"She's hallucinating," I say, putting my sunglasses on so my eyes wouldn't expose me. I've always feared this day would come and now I know Tegan won't rest until she gets what she wants. "She's saying shit." I open the door angrily and get in the car.

"Yes, but that's so weird. Is she that hurt she doesn't have a baby?" I sigh and nod. "And I kept making fun of it all these years?"

"It's fine, Sally. She'll be okay. Just don't take anything she says seriously for awhile. She's not gonna be herself for a long time. I even think she can't be on her meds and I'm scared right now."

"Like the meds she takes for her mental illness?" I nod. "Like she might become aggressive and abusive?" I shrug. "Shit…what if she hurts you or anyone?"

"No, don't worry." But I am worried. I am worried she might do something if I don't tell Sally that Tegan's her birth mother. "I'm taking you back to Stacy's. I'll stay there for a bit until I can make sure Tegan's better and I'll go back."

"Okay."

Stacy opens the door in her towel after three attempts of ringing the bell and calling her. "I was in the shower," she says with her hair still full of shampoo and all over the place.

"Shit…sorry," I apologize, watching Sally getting inside quickly after her rushed greeting. "She has to pee."

"I thought…" She gestures for me to go inside and I take the chance.

"Yeah, we should talk…when you're done with your shower." I point at her wet skin and she laughs, nodding.

"Okay, just get yourself comfortable."

"I'll make tea," I shout watching her climb the stairs.

"The house is yours," she shouts back with a faint giggle before disappearing.

I look in the cupboards and fridge for anything sweet to eat. Stacy always has something, especially when Sally's sleeping at her place.

"What are you doing?" my daughter says from behind. I turn around and smile.

"I want something sweet," I admit, looking inside the fridge one more time.

"There isn't anything. I ate the last piece of the chocolate cake she had this morning." I sigh, getting back to the stove to check whether the water was boiling or not. "You're worse than me, mum."

"I don't know what's it about this house that makes me wanna eat a lot." Sally giggles from behind me. "You want tea?"

"Yes, please." I nod, reaching for her red mug from the array of washed dishes. "And, yeah, I get you…I eat a lot when I'm in here because her food is great."

I turn around, raising one eyebrow at her. "What about mine?"

"Don't get jealous," she teases with a smirk. Stacy enters with a soft smile on her face. "You're great, too, but you gotta admit mama's food is on a whole different level."

"Oh, really," Stacy says from behind her. Sally gasps in shock then guffaws loudly. "I am flattered." Stacy wiggles her brows at me.

"I am not jealous." I wink at my daughter and smirk at Stacy. "I can admit it when someone is better than me at something." I offer the green mug to her with the steam rising from the hot liquid in it. She mumbles a quick thanks to me and sits down. I sit beside her where Sally is seated opposite from us. "I was looking for something sweet," I say.

"Snowball, open the oven, honey," Stacy orders. Both Sally and I dilate our eyes in excitement, making her laugh. "And you thought I hadn't baked anything." She tsks, shaking her head at me.

Sally takes Stacy's famous apple pie from the oven and cuts a slice for each one of us as we chatter quietly in the kitchen. Stacy asks why we're back that quickly and Sally fills her in immediately. The horror on her face is unmasked and too loud to ignore. I kick her leg from under the table, explaining that Tegan's meds are making her hallucinate and say nonsense.

"It's gonna take awhile for her to heal," Stacy says, looking down at her plate. "Like…awhile to get used to it."

"Does it feel different?" I ask. "After the procedure?" She nods, chewing lightly.

"She'll get used to it, though. It just takes time." It's as if she's telling me that it's going to be awhile until Tegan and I have sex again and it's gonna be shitty for both of us…and she's happy about it.

"I should just be a dentist," Sally whispers to herself. Stacy looks up at her with furrowed brows and then at me when I chuckle. "I wanted to be a gynecologist but, nope, I'm gonna be a dentist." Wait till Tegan hears she has to pay for med or dentistry school without telling Sally she's her birth mother.

"I think being a dentist is good," Stacy says after taking a sip of her tea. "But you can be whatever you want."

"As long as I am okay with it," I say, receiving a kick from Stacy underneath the table. We both know I won't let Sally major in anything that doesn't get her a good job eventually but it's too early for this. "I'm kidding."

"Okay, since you're both here, I have a request."

I hum.

"Go ahead," Stacy says.

"So I've already like…kinda hinted at it before but...I want to get a septum piercing…please."

"When did you hint at that?" I exclaim. I hate piercings. God, I hate them.

"When you were brushing my hair last week and we were watching that movie with the actress who had one? I said her piercing looks nice and you were like hmmmm." Stacy laughs at Sally's impression of me humming carelessly while I just nod, contemplating the idea. Stacy doesn't have any saying so she just waits for me to agree or disagree. "I mean…I am asking you…And I want it for my 16th birthday and, don't worry, I won't ever get a piercing somewhere else like Tegan." She wrinkles her nose and my eyes widen in shock. Stacy's brow is wrinkled in curiosity, too. "Oops," she whispers. "I promised I wouldn't tell you I know."

"How did you find out?" She's so cunning, this child. She knows what she wants and she knows that if she brought up Tegan's piercings and asked to have one in a normal place I wouldn't say no.

"I walked in on her while she was changing her shirt and saw the nipple ones and the…clit one in the bathroom. I mean I obviously saw it when she was…" Yeah, of course she did. How did I miss that?

Stacy's just shocked with face red and ears on fire. "You better not get any piercing in these places…not in my house, anyway," I say.

"Don't worry, I won't. It probably hurts. I just want a septum one, please. All my friends have nose rings or septum or eyebrow piercings." I know it's the trend now. I can see kids in the school with different parts of their faces pierced and if I say no to her she'll ask me to give her a reason and there isn't any reason I can say no other than fact she might regret it later on but that's on her, I guess. At least it's not a tattoo right now.

"When do you want it?"

"On my 16th birthday." She smiles widely. Her dimples show and her blue eyes sparkle. "So is it a yes?"

"Fine," I say, smiling at her.

"Yay. I love you." She kisses both Stacy and me, even though Stacy didn't say anything, and then leaves to her room to probably tell her friends.

"I am worried," Stacy says immediately. "What if she tells her?"

"I am worried, too."

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. "Sara, if she tells her that she's her birth mum and that we just adopted her, she won't ever…like…remember me."

"You're her mother! What are you even talking about? If anything she'll be pissed off at Tegan for hiding it and keeping it a secret." Stacy begins crying, nodding her head. I put a hand on her knee and squeeze. "Don't worry. She loves you. You are literally her mother and she doesn't think otherwise." Stacy nods again. "If anything, I am scared Tegan confuses her and tells her Jeremy is her donor or that her birth father is missing because of a mistake or whatever fake story Tegan has to complicate the situation with and then Sally might just get depressed."

"Yeah, you're right." She wipes the tears with the back of her hand and gets up to take the empty plates to the sink.

A few minutes later Emy calls and asks where I am. When I tell her I'm at Stacy's, she decides to join to talk about what has happened at the hospital.

"I didn't wanna tell her. I really didn't," she says, defending herself in the tiny kitchen. "I puked twice and then put my hand on my tummy and she asked and I just…" She sighs. "I am so sorry." I know Emy's pregnant. I know she and Vivian have been trying for another child. Tegan doesn't, though, because we have been trying to consider her mental state. It's funny because that was me a few years before. How tables have turned.

"Does she know you're having twins?" Emy shakes her head. Stacy's eyebrows rise. "Well, don't tell her."

"What happened to her?" Emy wonders loudly. "She was so okay with it and like…she was the one telling everyone it's not the end of the world if they didn't have a baby or whatever and now she's just being a bitch."

I shrug. I don't understand Tegan. She has phases. She has moods. She's never constant with her decisions or thoughts and I am just tired. We're happy and satisfied one second and the next moment there is a storm coming because of her and I always have to beware the next storm. It's always like that and I am sick of it. She's gotten us here in the first place. She's the one who has chosen this life and now she wants to change it after sixteen years of lying and faking and adjusting. She won't do it and I won't let her no matter what.

Emy leaves after and I stay for dinner at Stacy's because of the many times she asks me to stay. I call Sonia to check on Tegan but with the two times I call, Tegan is asleep. After dinner we drink and chat and giggle while making fun of Sally's weird dinner habits.

"Stay over," she whispers, looking at me pensively. Her blue irises are full of tears birthed from laughter. We're both slouching on the couch, sitting way too close to one another. "Spend the night."

"No," I whisper back. "I should go back to the hospital."

"Please." Her breath hits my face. "One night…we won't do anything…just sleep beside me." Her fingers touch mine on the couch and I am swayed by the way her eyes are roaming and her lips are bitten.

"Stacy…," I hesitate.

"I slept over once…a few years ago." I nod. "We didn't do anything." I nod again. "I just want a human beside me. I miss you sometimes." Now the tears are falling past my own lids. Having a human sleep beside you is a grand feeling that I miss, too. Tegan hasn't done that in ages. I can't even remember the last time she's spent the night when Sally stayed at Stacy's.

"I have to…I don't have clothes."

"I'll give you some," she offers quickly. "And if they're large, you can take Sally's…you guys are the same size." Sally hates someone wearing her clothes. She's worse than me when it comes to personal hygiene. She literally empties half a bottle of hand sanitizer before dinner because of the trauma she has due to the COVID-19 outbreak in 2020. She would rather die than see me in her clothes or use mine.

"I'll…take yours." I pull my hand away, looking at my lap so I wouldn't cave in and kiss her in such a weak moment of depravity.

"So you'll stay?" She sits up excitedly, not upset about the way I jerked my hand away from her.

"Yes," I whisper. "I don't think I can face Tegan now and I am tired…and lonely."

"I'm sorry," she says with the smile erased from her face.

"I should just inform Sonia I won't go there…I'll tell her I'm home." I have to lie because I don't even want to think of what Tegan might do finding out I'm spending the night at Stacy's.

When I call, though, Sonia encourages me not to show up to the hospital. "She'll be home tomorrow. I just need you at ten to pick us up."

"Of course, yes." I nod to Stacy who sighs in relief. "Did she say anything about Sally or something?"

"She asked me about you and I told her about what happened. I told you she wasn't even aware of her words. She felt bad."

"Okay, but I still won't bring Sally tomorrow to see her. I have to make sure she won't say anything."

"Of course," Sonia says, yawning. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Stacy and I go upstairs when I hang up. I excuse myself to the bathroom to wash up. She knocks on the door to hand me a fresh towel and a new toothbrush.

After removing my makeup and brushing my teeth, I leave to the bedroom where I see Stacy in her cute snowmen pajamas fishing in her closet.

"You're too short, I can just give you a pajama shirt and it'll do." I laugh, taking a look with her. "What do you want?"

"Whatever, Stace. I really don't mind." She smirks at me, throwing a violet silk nightgown on me. "No," I say, giggling.

"Come on. It will stop below your knees. You're an elf."

"I've never worn these things when we were together; what makes you think I'll wear them now?" I laugh some more when she blushes. "You just wanna see me half naked." Though we're both laughing, we know it's true.

"Fine," she says, taking it away from me. "I have these pajama shorts with their tank-top."

"Okay, better." I take the clothes from her and put them on the mattress, turning around. "I really don't care if you see me naked. I was just teasing you." I begin unbuttoning my shirt, feeling her presence behind me.

"I felt like a hormonal teenager trying to force that nightgown on you." I chuckle and she laughs at herself from behind as I remove the shirt and then pull my jeans down.

"It reminded me of when you nagged that I should feed Sally when we first met and you were trying your best not to look." I unhook my bra from behind and throw it on the mattress then turn around, facing her. She raises her eyebrows at me, looking at my face instead of my chest. "You're doing it again."

"You want me to look?"

"MAMA," Sally's loud voice interrupts the two of us, making me jump with a scream, throwing myself into Stacy's arm as my daughter barges in quickly. "HOLY FUCK, OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD." She squeals happily, clapping her hand. "You guys are fucking." Stacy's eyes widen. She's not used to Sally's crude mouth because she avoids saying such words in front of her so she wouldn't piss her off.

"Shit, Sally, no," I yell, reaching for the pajama top and putting it on very quickly. "I was getting dressed because I am staying over."

"Oh…" She stares at the floor awkwardly. "I keep barging in on people changing."

"That's why you should knock," Stacy says. "She never knocks."

"I know." I sigh.

"You guys don't ever knock, too." We both raise our eyebrows while I am pulling the shorts up. "Okay, you do, but like once and then you enter."

"Anyway, what do you want?" Stacy asks. I know she's nervous and also a bit annoyed Sally has ruined what was about to be a moment we both might have regretted later.

"I don't even know. I forgot." She squints. "I forgot. Ugh." She walks up to the bed and sits. "So…you're sleeping over?" She smirks at me, making Stacy blush at her boldness.

"Yeah…I was too tired to drive back home." Sally's grin widens. "Why?"

"Can I sleep in the middle?" she asks sweetly as if she's the three-year-old child tricking us to sleep in our bed all over again.

"I don't think we'll fit in," Stacy says, sitting next to her.

"Pretty please?" She pouts to fool her and Stacy is easily fooled when it comes to Sally. "Unless…" She bites her lower lip then continues, "Unless you guys wanna have sex then I understand. Just tell me there's no space and I'll go."

"No, we're not having sex," Stacy affirms slowly. "Sleep in the middle but I swear if you'll kick me in the guts, you're out of the room."

"Fine, fine, I'll just kick mummy," she says like a little child making me wonder how that person is the same one from last week who was crying and screaming at me for catching her naked with a boy. She stands on the mattress and jumps in the middle, giggling happily as she waits for us.

"I'll brush my teeth and get you your pillow," Stacy says.

"Don't ever mention I slept here to anyone or that you saw me topless in front of Stacy," I warn. "Like at all, especially not in front of Sonia or Tegan." She needs quickly. "They'll ask questions and I just…I don't wanna answer."

"I get it, mum, I'm not stupid." She chuckles, rolling her eyes. "Was I a cock-block though?" she asks with a bitten lip. "Like as much as the idea of you two having sex in the next room would be weird and disturbing to me as much as I feel sorry I interrupted…"

"You didn't interrupt anything, Sally. I really was just getting dressed. I am not gonna cover myself from her. She's seen me naked before."

"Obviously," Sally says with a sigh. "God, how I wish you'd go back together and just…like I'd feel happier for you and I'll know you guys are happy and safe."

"We're happy." I smile, kissing her head. "Stop blabbering about it now. Don't make it awkward."

"Fine." She kisses my cheek and lies down.

My sciatica and back act up heavily in the morning because of the uncomfortable sleeping position Sally has caused. While she remains asleep in Stacy's bed, we're both forced out of it due to my constant moaning. Stacy drives to the store to get me back pain stickers while I cry in her kitchen.

"I swear to God this kid won't ever grow up," I mumble while sniffling. Meanwhile Stacy is attempting to rub my back with an anti-inflammatory gel. "I was literally squeezed next to the nightstand and she kept kicking me everywhere."

"I woke up some time in the night and I found her face literally in my neck." Stacy chuckles, squeezing the soft flesh on my lower back. "She's a cuddler."

"I know." I huff. "She's like Tegan," I whisper and get up, pulling the tank-top down. "Thank you."

"Anytime," she says quickly, putting the lid back on the tube. "I mean not anytime…I mean…" I guffaw, watching her stutter and tremble. "I mean like…I'll always help you but I hope you won't need it."

"I'm getting old. I'll probably need it."

"Well, you have Tegan," she says with a shrug. She's jealous. She has the right to be jealous and I understand how she feels. She's right…I have Tegan. Maybe she's incapable now, but I have her and one thing I know about Tegan is that she'll always be there for me. She'll always help me when I'm in need or in pain no matter what happens between us.

I just hope she's not too stubborn and won't ruin what we spent too long to build by telling Sally about the secret. I don't think I can forgive her after.

When Tegan sees me at the hospital, she calls my name as if she's a dying lover in an old war movie. I walk up to her while Sonia chats with her doctor. The two bags are packed and ready lying on the couch. Sonia will have to pick them up. Tegan is in a long beach dress we had to borrow from Emy. Though her hysterectomy was vaginal, doctors told her not to wear tight pants for the first week. She also has to walk but she's lazy and whiny.

"Are you still in pain?" She nods, wiping her tears. "That's why you're crying?"

"It's the worst pain ever." She cries more and hiccups like a child…like Sally.

"I read that it's not supposed to hurt that much."

"Well it fucking does," she screams in my face. Sonia turns around to look at us and Tegan moans a breathless "Mummy" making me shake my head in disbelief. She wasn't like that after giving birth. What's up with her?

We force her to walk out of the hospital. I hold her hand and walk beside her. She looks ridiculous in the sky blue dress full of pink flowers and her short brown hair. She has her black parka over the dress and is wearing her black converse. She looks like a hot mess and I feel bad for her.

"They didn't remove your ovaries so it won't be so bad," I tell her when we're home and she's in her bed. She didn't focus the first time I told her because she was still anesthetized.

"And is sex all you care about?" she shoots, part of her saliva touching my face because of the way she has spewed the words. I wipe the spit off my nose in disgust. "I have to use the bathroom, are you gonna help me or not?"

"Fine," I mumble, annoyed with her and the way she's talking to me. I don't like this bitchy side of her. It reminds me of the time we were dating before New York and before the abuse. She was always like that when she was not in the mood. She would take it out on me and I hate it. It makes me feel so stupid and so little.

I don't say anything. I just help her in the bathroom and with her clothes even though doctors said she can do whatever alone but she's just acting extra spoiled for some reason.

"I didn't say that thing about sex," I finally let it out of my system when she's eating while I babysit her.

"Huh?"

"That thing earlier when you accused me of only caring about sex…I didn't even mention sex. You're the one who's always horny and sexual."

"Ugh, fuck off; I'm not in the mood, Sara."

"Why are you so mean to me?" I shout.

"You know why." She shrugs, stabbing the piece of chicken with the fork and directing it towards her mouth.

I don't know what to do. God, I don't know what to do. It's about Sally. She's just so fixated on Sally. She won't settle until she gets what she wants. I know Tegan and she doesn't ever give up. She'll do anything to take her away from me.

I try to swallow my tears and push my head back, giving her the benefit of the doubt. I know she's in pain and it's not easy what she's going through but I can't take her ruining my life again. Not fucking again.

"What's up with the shouting?" Sonia comes in asking. "Your voices are so loud."

"Sara is a fucking cunt." I open my eyes in utter shock. She's just lost it. What's up with her?

"Are you taking your meds? Are you?"

"I'm not crazy," she screams at me the loudest she could. She starts crying heavily with loud wails and messy tears and snot all over her face. "I'm not fucking crazy. I just want my kid to know I am her mother." Her cries are hysterical and terrifying.

"Tegan," Sonia begins but is immediately stopped with a loud shriek upon hearing the plate shatter to pieces with remnants of food scattered all over the floor. Tegan has thrown it. I'm not sure if she just threw it because she's angry or she was aiming at me. The broken pieces lie at my feet as I shudder and shake, gasping in shock and watching her break down in her bed, clutching where her uterus once was.

"Sara, go," whispers Sonia. "Just go." I nod quietly, still shaking, still frozen, still pale.

I get to my place and cry all day long.

It doesn't stop there, Sally. I truly don't know how to narrate this. You know it. I know you have noticed it as much as we tried to hide it from you. Tegan was not herself again. One day she was hot and the other she was cold. One day she was nice and the other she was hurtful and insulting. That's when the abuse started and I…just stayed quiet. I didn't say anything even though I was receiving it. I guess I was fed up and tired and I guess I just preferred to receive all the pain but not lose you as a daughter. Whenever she attempted talking to me about exposing the secret, a fight happened and vases were broken, screams and shouts and cruel words were exchanged. Then she calmed down and was back to herself again.

I excused her behavior. We all did. She was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and severe anxiety. She often broke down at work and I was called to nurse her. Whenever I asked, I didn't get answers. She would just stare at whatever is in front of her and cry. I often wondered if I was causing that by banning her to tell you. I mean…she really could have told you. You saw her often. You visited often. I was always there watching but she never said a thing and you, too, hated how calm and dejected she grew…like I did after her abuse. Maybe I have caused her to get this far. Maybe I was selfish and I should have just told you. You knew the hard way anyway. If she was right about a thing it's the fact that lies can't be hidden forever. They are always told…always exposed, no matter how long they were harbored and carefully they were concealed. The truth always finds its way out.

I also knew that she wasn't able to take her other medication that controlled her mood swings and anger outbursts because it didn't go along with the hormone therapy she had to take and the many other pills. She was suddenly this crippled lifeless form that I had to take care of and mother.

We didn't even touch or kiss. She didn't tell me she loved me but I knew she did when she took a hold of my hand thinking I was asleep when I spent the nights with her on the weekends. I guess that's why I caved in to the temptation Stacy has provided and we started sleeping together again and that's when shit hit the fan.

During these winter days which I spend juggling my time between tutoring and parenting Sally at home and mothering and babysitting Tegan at her place, Sally gets sick a few times because that's usually the time her asthma acts badly so I just, naturally, spend more time with her.

Tegan visits sometimes. Sometimes she stays the night. Sometimes I wake up during the night hearing her cry in her sleep. When she's at my place she's often too quiet and in her own world. She's either staring at Sally without saying much or trying her best to talk to Sally without exposing much since I never leave them alone at all.

"How's Sally at school?" she asks one night while we're in bed. I am surprised that she has asked because we just don't talk. Even while eating dinner, it's always too quiet or Sally's the one talking. Sally has noticed and asked about it but she thinks Tegan is just depressed about her procedure.

"She's good," I respond, not looking at her.

"With, umm, boys?"

"No trouble. She goes to school and comes back. She does her homework. She goes out with her friends on the weekends. Stacy drives her to and from either the diner or the movies or wherever they're gathering."

"Good." She yawns.

"How are you?" I ask hesitantly, this time I'm looking at her. A strange mist covers her face. I am not looking at adult Tegan. Suddenly I can see the same tormented young woman I have met in the dorm. I can see the woman who doesn't sleep at night due to nightmares of emotional abuse and sexual harassment. I can see the same woman who sought refuge in my bed and woke up from nightmares that I had to take her in and lull her to sleep. "Work?"

"Not good," she says, taking a deep breath. "I can't do anything."

I attempt touching her hand. I find it lying on her lower abdomen. I touch and squeeze and surprisingly she doesn't push it away. "If…if we told Sally, would it…would it make things better?"

She furrows her brows at me. A tear falls down her right eye. "Don't mess with my emotions."

"I want you to…to be better but I also want my child to…have a healthy life."

"She's my child, too," Tegan says, removing her hand away from mine and using it to wipe her tears. "I want the best for her, too."

"When she's eighteen," I finally say. I take a deep breath and say it. I have been thinking about it a lot and I know that in order not to lose Tegan, I have to relieve her from this pain. "Please wait two more years. She'll be done with high school…it will be safer. I just don't want anything to affect her now."

She nods. Surprisingly, she nods. "Fine." She wipes more tears. "I will." She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

During the weekend when Sally's at Stacy's, Tegan spends the night at my place so I decide to show up in a babydoll. I haven't ever done that. I've never thought I would do that. I have worn lingerie but nothing more than a thong and a lacy bra. I've never imagined myself shopping for a sexy black babydoll to seduce her when we're in our forties.

I admit, it does confound her and surprise her, but I don't get the reaction I'm used to from her.

"You want sex?" she asks like it isn't obvious, and I nod while moving towards her on two knees.

She stops me in my place when I face her. I almost fall on her but her strong grip holds my thighs and steadies them. She lifts up the soft satin fabric exposing my nude self to her. She tells me to hold it and so I take it in my hand, looking down at her finger tracing the softness of my newly shaved vulva.

Without kissing, without words, without passion, she touches me. She rubs while I'm just sitting there on my knees, feeling my back on fire. She inserts a finger until I am not in the mood anymore and not wet enough to enjoy it. She notices and opens the drawer of my nightstand to fetch the lube but I just shake her hand off and roll on my side, sighing exasperatedly.

She sighs in response, too.

"I'm sorry," she eventually says when I'm about to fall asleep. "I don't know what's up with me."

"Why don't you go to therapy?" I ask what's been on my mind lately. I know Sonia has already talked to her about therapy but she's just so stubborn as usual. "It's not about sex, but you're just not the same. This is the worst you've ever been."

"Seriously?" She chuckles. "Worse than my psychotic outbursts on you, beating the shit out of you because of my anger?"

"You literally have no emotions and interact with no one, Tegan," my octave rises a little bit. I didn't mean for it to do that, but I know she doesn't like it.

"I don't know what you want me to do," she shouts. I knew it was coming after I raised my voice. Tegan never likes any voice to be louder than hers. "I am trying my best to control my temper around you, Sara. I really am trying so I just shut up."

"And you say you don't need therapy?" I chuckle to myself, rolling on my side.

"I didn't even say it," I hear it through gritted teeth before I'm angrily shoved against the nightstand, hitting my head against the wooden object. "Here…there's an emotion. Happy?" She gets up while I spend the next moment trying to absorb what has just happened, rubbing the spot I have just hit. "Go whine about me being abusive now. You just fucking love it when I'm this angry. You push me to this level."

Next thing I hear is the slam of the door while my heart drums loudly and I shudder and cry.

The shock of being pushed like that hurts way more than bumping my head against the edge of the nightstand. I didn't expect it and it happened so suddenly that my heart almost collapsed to my feet.

We don't talk for about a week. Sally wonders why and I tell her I'm not in the mood for Tegan's mood swings. She asks me if she could walk to her house to check on her and I don't allow her. We have an argument about that, forcing me to admit that Tegan has been abusive lately and I am afraid she might do something to her or to me.

That night she texts me she's seeing a therapist and it makes me wonder whether Sally has texted her or said something. She also texts an apology which I just accept because I know I will eventually. It's a cycle.

Two days later, Sally gets an asthma attack during P.E. even though she's not allowed to participate or play at all as her doctor has suggested. I fight with the coach about letting her run even when she promises Sally has done so without her knowing. I lose my shit in Stacy's office asking her to fire her P.E. teacher.

Of course, Stacy, unlike Tegan, doesn't add fuel to the flame and prefers to calm me down by listening and promising to take care of it. She gives me water and strokes my hair until I'm calm enough.

"Take Sally and go home," she says. "I'll deal with it. I'll follow you, okay?" I nod, still sniffling. I know Stacy doesn't like special treatment and treats Sally the same as any student but I also know she's fuming and is as worried as I am because her whole neck and chest are red and they only get that when she's frustrated.

Sally gets another asthma attack on the way home, forcing me to stop the car to help her with the inhaler. She holds my sleeve tightly as she struggles to breathe. I panic so much that I end up calling Stacy again. She tells me to rush her to the hospital so I do just that, eyeing Sally every few minutes to check if she's alright, asking her to keep her inhaler in her hand.

She is examined there and put under watch for two hours until her symptoms calm down. She is given another inhaler with a higher dose for the night and asked to stay at home for the next couple of days to avoid the dusty air around. I narrate everything to Stacy on the way home.

Sally falls asleep immediately while I cook and check up on her every few minutes. Her friends call one after the other after school to make sure she's alright and Stacy and I both take the job of picking up her phone to respond.

"I used to get these attacks when I was her age, too," I narrate over dinner. It's just Stacy and I at the table because Sally feels too drowsy to get up. Her door is open for us to know she's okay. "Whenever I fought with my parents."

"Did you fight a lot with them?"

"Yeah." I chuckle. "Almost every day. My relationship with my dad was never good because he forced me to go to college." I have told her about that before but here I am narrating it again and she's nodding. "I wanted to be in a band and play music."

"Do you regret it?" she asks but I don't understand what she means so I question with a furrowed brow. "I mean regret not chasing your dream? Not being in a band? Studying psychology and now you basically have a PhD?"

"Almost," I laugh. My dissertation is next month and I am so fucking ready.

"Well…" She blushes.

"Anyway, I don't." She hums. "I've always wanted to be a mother. That's actually the first thing I said to Tegan when she asked me what I wanted. I just wanted to be a housewife and a mum and she mocked me for that." I laugh a little. "I mean, she's right I guess. Having a career has changed me and I'm thankful."

"I'm glad." She smiles but it's not at me. She's looking behind. I turn around to find a haggard Sally walking towards me in her blue robe and disheveled long hair.

"Come here, Snowball." I pat the chair next to me and she sits down, rubbing her eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"My chest hurts," she mumbles, yawning. "I'm hungry." Before I could say 'again,' I stop myself and nod, getting up to grab a plate for her. She's been eating too much lately and I can already see her gaining weight. I know she's eating because she's stressed out and bothered but she doesn't talk about it even when I ask her.

"It's gonna be alright," Stacy says and kisses her head. "You're gonna stay home and rest."

"I'm gonna stay with you tomorrow, honey," I tell her, handing her a full plate.

She leaves it almost full and my guilt washes over me. She barely has an appetite and the wheezing sound coming from her lungs worries me so I get her back to bed and monitor her for a few minutes until Stacy takes my place so that I could change my clothes.

"Stay over," I ask Stacy. "I think it's better. I don't wanna worry."

"Yeah, I'm staying." I take a relaxed breath.

"Did you tell Tegan?" I shake my head and turn around so I would face the coffee maker instead of her. "Why?"

"I just…we're not really talking much." I don't hear any word from her. When I turn around, she's still staring at me blankly. "She's just…I mean her depression…"

"You don't have to justify. Your personal life is yours." I sigh, nodding and thanking her mentally. I don't want to talk because if I do I'll cry. I'd rather just ignore it. It's much better.

"What did I give you the last time you stayed over?" I ask her while rummaging through my closet. She's seated on the mattress, eyes on her phone. "I gave you something, right?"

"Yeah, a large T-shirt and sweatpants," she answers and goes back to her phone. "This new app the kids are obsessed with is disgusting."

"Did the sweatpants fit you?" I don't remember shit from years ago.

"Huh?" She looks up at me. "I guess? You told me they were big or something." Or I wore a larger size before. "Boys are daring girls to flash their breasts just like that for fun and the more likes they get, the more money they earn. This is prostitution."

"Shit, let me see." I sit next to her to look at the app. "Does Sally have an account?"

"Why do you think I'm stalking?" My eyes widen. "Her profile is empty, though. She probably just likes stuff."

"Umm…does she pay when she likes stuff?" Stacy shakes her head. "So like the app pays them?"

"No. It's the person who gives the dare and if the person dared does the shit, they get paid. If they don't, they probably get called a loser."

"How is this even legal?" Stacy shrugs, throwing her phone behind her before looking at me. "I hope Sally doesn't engage in this."

"So, what do you have for me to wear?" She raises both eyebrows, eyeing my stunned face.

"Umm…I don't know." She laughs a little. "I think you should search because I don't know what to give you honestly."

"I should've gotten my stuff from home." I watch her as she walks to the closet to fish for pajamas. I begin undressing myself behind her. About a month and a half ago I slept over at her place and took my clothes off in front of her and I don't mind doing it now. "Ohhh nice." I look up at her. The black baby doll I have bought to seduce Tegan is in her hand. "You've never worn something like that."

I chuckle, pulling my pants down. "I've worn it once." She nods with a faint smirk, pushing it back in its place. "You can wear it if you want."

"You probably got it to wear in front of someone else so I'm not gonna do that," she says without facing me. By someone else she means Tegan.

"Umm…yeah, that someone else didn't even care." I take off my bra and reach for my pajama shirt.

"Well, just imagining you in it…" She pauses, looking at my bare chest before I get to button my pajama shirt. "Would it bother you if I told you I'd like to touch you right now?"

I'm not taken aback by her words because I know she wants me and loves me but I am shocked at the fact she's voicing them out loud right now. I am even more shocked at the feeling I have in my guts hearing them. The pleasure my body releases to my core. The butterflies. The elation in my chest. The heat on my face.

I stop unbuttoning the shirt and, instead, I take it off completely. I stand in front of her in semi-nudity, offering my body and waiting.

"Sara…" Her voice is low and her demeanor is soft. She's staring with admiration, watching me pull my underwear down. I hope Sally won't interrupt because we don't look so good right now and this time we can't lie.

And this time I want her to fuck me.

"I'm waiting," I whisper, pointing at my completely naked body.

"What about her?" She can't say her name. It hurts her and makes her feel uncomfortable.

"I want you right now," I admit. "Can we not think of her?"

I know she's hesitant, but she caves in and rids herself off her clothes except her white tank-top. When I try to pull it off, she jerks my hand away and shakes her head. "Please no," she mumbles against my lips, her hot breath on mine.

I respect her decision and allow her to keep herself covered from the waist up. I let her touch me the way she likes. I let her kiss me everywhere. I let her eat me out till I cum. I let her hand cover my mouth to muffle the screams so our daughter wouldn't discover this. And when it's time for me to return the favor, I find great protest from her so I don't do anything and instead lie down in her embrace and stroke her soft arm.

"When was the last time you had sex, Stacy?"

"A long time ago," she says. "Like a really long time ago that I don't remember how sex feels like."

"You don't touch yourself?" I ask but she doesn't answer. When I look up, I see the discomfort on her face and the tears in her eyes. "Is it that you don't get wet or that you don't want to or…"

"I don't feel comfortable talking about this," she tells me.

"I'm sorry." I kiss her jaw then take her lips in mine to kiss them. "I'm sorry."

"Do you like me?" she says breathlessly.

"I do," I admit.

"Then…" I shrug. "Yeah…I get it."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine…I…" She smiles. "I am thankful this happened. I wouldn't have thought it ever would."

"I just wish you'd give me a chance to give you something. I promise I'll be gentle and won't hurt you." She sighs. "Only if you want, of course."

"I just don't want to disgust you." I wrinkle my brows at her. "There's nothing I can offer. My body is just..."

Poor Stacy. She really has no confidence anymore. All that power and control I have seen before is stripped off. She has lost it all. "Is just hot," I complete for her. "Very sexy." I sit up, taking the sheets with me, exposing her naked lower half. She covers herself by pulling her legs up and closing them together.

"I don't have breasts," she mouths.

"So?" I shrug, attempting to spread her bent knees. "Come on, Stace. Don't be shy." I kiss one knee and slowly spread them.

"Doesn't it bother you?"

"Baby, you've been flat since ever. I liked your small breasts. It's really not much of a difference. I have my tits to tempt me." I make her laugh and relax, giving in to me.

"You get turned on by yourself?" Memories flash before my eyes as I recall all the times Tegan and Emy have teased me about that and now it's Stacy's turn to do so.

"I'm fucked up," I say before capturing her lips in a soft kiss. "If you hate anything tell me. I just wanna make you feel good."

"What if Sally barges in?" she asks with concern apparent on her sweaty brow and her shaky voice.

"You weren't worried when you were down on me." I get up to lock the door.

"This will make her more suspicious." I sigh and stand there in full nudity with my arms folded. "I'm sorry…I'm just worried."

"Just let me give you a good time." She nods, taking a deep breath. "Relax."

When we're done, we wash up and get dressed just in case Sally walks in on us in the middle of the night. I check on her to see if her breathing is well a couple of times through the night before Stacy and I are both awake due to a coughing fit that she gets at dawn. We stay beside her in bed, talking about whatever in our sleepy states until she goes back to sleep again.

We have breakfast together but avoid talking about what happened the night before. Stacy, then, goes to work while I take the day off to stay with Sally. I tell Stacy to get her things and spend the night over again.

I know what I'm doing is messed up, but it feels good and normal and safe and easy. I guess I missed easy. It feels like having a normal family and Tegan has deprived me of that and now she has the audacity to ask for her daughter to recognize the truth about her. I won't let her break this family. She doesn't want to touch me. She doesn't like to be around me. She hates advice from me. Why does she expect me to do what she says and to give her the kid I worked so hard to bring up with only Stacy by my side? Tegan was there…as an accessory. Just an accessory. If everything is going well, she's the nicest. If one thing doesn't go her way, I become her enemy and I am immediately abused.

I'm just so tired of this abuse.

I cook dinner with Sally with me in the kitchen. I let her sit at the table watching me while she just rambles about her friends and exams and her plans for her birthday party.

"Your birthday is still a month away. I want you to get better and then think about it."

"But I want a dress. A nice one."

I nod, stirring the mushroom soup she has asked for. "I'll take you shopping."

"No offense but your style is…gay." I turn around to look at her. She glances at me sheepishly, eyeing my jean overalls up and down. "I want mama to come with me. At least she wears dresses…sometimes."

"Her dresses are gay," I mumble.

"Are you hurt?" Yes, I am. Just because I have an androgynous style, it doesn't mean I don't know how feminine girls dress.

"I have to let you know that gays have a really good style. I liked my women girly and I liked them having a good girly style." She wrinkles her nose at me, making me giggle. "But fine, take Stacy. She loves shopping anyway."

"You can both come if you're able to behave well." I look at her again. She's extra salty this morning for some reason. What if she heard us last night? "What? Remember that time you both came with me to buy me an outfit for the talent show?"

"That was like…you were nine?" She nods. "Yeah, we weren't on good terms. We were just being bitchy to each other about something."

"And now you're good?" I don't have to face her to know she has one eyebrow raised mockingly the way Tegan usually does.

"We are," I just confirm instead.

Stacy comes back and we have dinner together then Sally decides to be extra suffocating and spoiled so she puts her head on Stacy's lap and her feet on mine while we're seated on the couch enjoying our alcoholic beverages.

Our conversation about last night is interrupted. We had just begun when Stacy asked if this night we were doing it again. Before I could give her my consent, Sally appeared.

"Why are your toenails painted five different colors?" I ask, looking at her toes on my lap.

"I was trying these colors I bought last month."

"And by bought you mean you took from me?" Stacy teases.

"I only took two and it's because you never even wear them. You only wear white or like that weird mint color." I snort a little, getting a wink from Stacy.

Sally notices. I see her eyes on me with Tegan's infamous smirk. Her eyes are big and blue and observant. Her double chin is extra accentuated with the way she's resting her head on Stacy's lap.

"How's your breathing?" Stacy asks in a low voice, looking down at my kid. Sally's hair is in her hand as she's stroking it the way she stroked mine last night.

"Better," Sally says taking a very deep breath with a hand on her chest. "You hear the wheezing? It's annoying."

"It'll be better. You just need rest," I tell her.

Our light conversation is soon interrupted by a sudden interjection from Tegan. The door just opens with her barging in on us, calling for Sally with all the rage that she has in her body.

"How is she?" she screams, making Sally sit down in fear, squeezed between Stacy and me on the couch. "How's your asthma?"

"It's…g…good."

"What the fuck, Tegan?" She glares at me. I've never seen her so angry.

Well, I have…but not recently.

I stand up and ask, "How did you know she's sick?" Stacy is seated there with her head down.

"I told her," Sally whispers. "She checked on me and I told her."

"How about next time you actually tell me?" Tegan says, eyes poking my heart with their wrath. "Or I swear to God, Sara, I will…"

"You will fucking what?" Sally screams. "What's it to you? You will hit her again? Push her against another piece of furniture?"

I watch Stacy's eyes grow in realization and Sally's face grow red with frustration and I watch Tegan's complexion as it dims with humiliation. My heart rings and shudders with the fear that she might just tell her she's her mother and ruin everything for me. I shake my head at her, pleading with my eyes.

"Thank you so much for telling her," she says instead, crying immediately.

"Tegan, wait..." I follow her to the door but she doesn't listen to me. "Wait."

"Just have fun with your family. I'm going to therapy for you, by the way." She leaves, breaking my heart.

For me? Why can't it be for her? For us? Why for me? Does she really not care about herself?

Stacy and I don't have sex that night, but we do in the morning when we wake up. I let her fuck me with a dildo to let my frustration out.

Stacy goes to work and I stay with Sally again. I clean the house to reduce the stress I am in, feeling my back burn and ache but ignoring it. I get to Sally's room where I find her lying in bed with a pale face and ragged breathing. I check her temperature and make sure she's alright before I clean her room.

"You look like a ghost," I whisper. "I'm worried." I make her sit up and give her the inhaler I find on the nightstand. "You're not going to school tomorrow."

"You don't have to babysit me." She coughs. "I hate having asthma."

"What do you feel?" I ask when she groans after taking the inhaler.

"Like I am suffocating. It's hot." She pulls her hoodie up and remains in a black tank-top. "Like, I am good…but…I feel like I can barely breathe sometimes and then I become good."

"I don't get why you're wearing a bra at home. It's suffocating and annoying," I say as I begin cleaning. "Do you wear it when you sleep, too?"

"I just hate having so much…boobs." I chuckle, shaking my head at her. "They're all over the place. I gotta tame them."

"Yeah, well, sports bras are better." I bend down to dust beneath her bed. "Wear those. You have some, right?" I moan when I feel the pain in my back.

"Mum, what are you doing? You're not allowed to do this. I'll clean it when I'm better." Sally usually cleans her own room because she knows I shouldn't tire myself out but I just want to clean everything today because cleaning makes me feel better. "Mum," Sally calls again.

"Shut up. Let me clean…ugh why are there boxes underneath your bed? What's tha…"

"Mum, leave them…it's just some stuff I don't have a place for."

I pull two boxes out from underneath her bed. The plain blue one doesn't catch my attention but the other one does immediately because I know exactly what's inside. I look up at her. Her eyes are wide open and her face is red with fear and embarrassment. I look inside the blue box and I find her diary and some letters so I don't snoop or read, but I go back to the other box and hold it up, questioning her with my eyes. She shrugs.

"How did you get it?" I ask in a low whisper. "Can people your age buy…umm…toys?" She shakes her head. "Then…Like…It's…uh…" I chuckle. "Like, it's fine I just…"

"Tegan got it for me," she whispers in a voice I can barely hear so I make her repeat again when I wrinkle my brows in confusion. "Tegan…She um…got it for me. Uh…she told me to use it when I think of, like, boys, and like get…like, you know…like…horny because it's better than having sex without love. I've never even used it." She pauses and the pink hue on her cheeks increases. "Well…once…I tried but I didn't know how so I…"I nod, digesting the information.

"It's…it's fine, Sally. I'm just…" I sigh. "I'm shocked Tegan bought you something like that." I know why. I know she wants to protect her. I know Tegan understands Sally's sexuality and the allure that comes with having sex at this age. I just wish she has discussed this with me before. "Like…why didn't she tell me?"

"She told me not to tell you so please don't let her know, mum. She'll be angry and you guys will fight and I am sick of it." She begins crying. Her tears rain down immediately. "I miss having her around…like old Tegan…I miss her."

"I'm sorry," I whisper, standing up with fatigue to give her a hug. "I'm sorry. I won't mention it. I…I know you miss her. I miss her, too. I…"

"I didn't mean to yell at her last night. She was so hurt." Sally sniffles, hiccupping the way Tegan does when she cries. "I apologized. I know she's…going through a lot. Like I read about it…that women who lose their uterus sometimes become depressed and like…she already has issues. I didn't mean to hurt her so badly. She didn't respond."

"She's probably busy, baby." I kiss her head. "You know that she loves you more than anything? To her, you're her kid." Sally nods. "Really…she likes to think that you are her child."

"I know…I know." Sally sniffles. "I love her, too. I just wish she didn't hurt you. I wish she didn't hate mama. I wish that we could be one happy family. Like I am so happy you and mama seem…" My heart starts beating quickly. Does she know? Did she hear?

"Seem?"

"Umm…like a couple right now taking care of me, sleeping on the same bed, sitting together…I just wish she's, like, around like my auntie and like…everything is just good."

"It's fine, baby." I put the boxes back in their place. My hands are still shaky but I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I masturbated with an electric toothbrush my whole teenage years wishing I had toys and the moment I turned eighteen, I bought my first vibrator. She's almost sixteen. It's not a big deal. It's much better than sleeping around with boys. "I just want you to relax right now. We'll talk to Tegan together. Maybe even invite her for dinner tonight."

"But…" She sighs.

"What?"

"Mama will be here and they can't stand each other." Sally notices and sees and knows and I just don't understand how she hasn't figured it out yet. "I don't want this bad energy."

"Same." I don't want to tell Stacy to go home so Tegan could come over, too. I like having Stacy around. I truly do. I am enjoying this relaxing atmosphere but my heart is breaking for my lover and my sister and best friend.

I decide to call her while cooking. I have to talk to her. Luckily she picks up the phone immediately.

"We should talk, Tegan."

"I know." She huffs. "Yes."

"Sally feels so bad that we have this rift and…" I hear low sobs coming from her. I hear a sniffle. "Tee?"

"I am tired…so tired. Therapy makes me feel worse and I feel…"

"What do you feel?" I don't want to talk on the phone. I just want to see her face to face.

"Like I can't control what I think of."

"What do you mean?"

"Like sometimes I do shit I can't control. I threw a glass at my employee last week and now I have a lawsuit against me and dad…umm…well, he fired me." More cries. Loud sobs. The loudest I hear.

"But you still go to work."

"I'm just cleaning my shit. I have till the end of the month to find another job and I don't know if I can do that because my mental health is not that great right now." Fucking Stephen. Dad of the year. Instead of giving support, he does this. Of course her health will deteriorate. "I pushed you, too. I…I almost hit Emy two days ago. Vivian stopped me. She screamed at me and threatened me and I am not allowed to go to their place right now."

"What?" I scream in horror. "Emy didn't…"

"Emy won't tell you," Tegan shouts. "She fucking won't."

Tegan's mental health is just bad. Now I fear being around her. Now I know it's scary and dangerous but I have to help her. I have to stand by her side and make her get better. I miss my Tegan.

I ask Stacy to stay with Sally after dinner so I could talk to Tegan. I call her to make sure she's home and when I get the confirmation, I prepare a plate of the rosemary chicken and sautéed vegetables I have cooked for dinner. Stacy and Sally both ask me to be careful and calm when I talk to her.

"She's not a monster," I tell them. "She knows she has a problem and she's working on it."

My sister is sweet and beautiful and kind, she just doesn't know how to love and how to help herself.

I find her in bed with the lights off. I make her sit up and kiss her lips. She cries immediately, wrapping the blanket around herself. I force her to eat the food I brought and try to talk to her as tranquilly as possible. Guilt sits in the pit of my stomach when she asks me if Stacy's in the house. I have cheated on her but I can't even admit it to myself because technically it isn't cheating. Are we even together? I don't even remember the last time we were intimate other than that failed attempt from a week before.

"She is," I whisper.

"Sleeping over." Tegan nods, chuckling. I nod. "In your room?"

"Tegan, it's for Sally. We don't touch. We don't do anything. She's just worried." Tegan takes a deep breath with tears streaming down her face. "And Sally wants her over, Tegan."

"Yeah…of course."

"You know what Sally told me today?" I raise the fork up towards her lips but she pushes my hand off. "Sally told me she feels like you are her mother, too." I watch her eyes widen. "Yeah." I smile, pushing the fork back inside her lips. "And she said she hates that you and Stacy can't stand one another because she'd like to have you both in the same room." Another sarcastic chuckle comes. Tegan pushes the plate away and pushes her head back.

"Well, I can't."

"Why not?" I ask carefully.

"Because Stacy is the woman who took you and my kid away from me and you allowed her to." I remain quiet. I don't want to say anything that might anger her. "And you're still doing it."

"I am not," I say.

"You are." She smiles, nodding. "You can go home, Sara. You can. I just wanna stay here. I wanna see Sally tomorrow. I'll visit. I don't want to see Stacy there."

I nod dejectedly and walk out to my place. I narrate half the truth to Sally and everything to Stacy who remains silent for a long time until she tells me that this is the last time she sleeps over.

Maybe it's for the best. We should not sleep together. It was a mistake. Tegan needs help so I am going to try to help her.

And I truly do, Sally. I attempt to help her. She tries to receive it, too. But her mood swings keep on shifting and changing. You remember too well. Sometimes she's angry and other times she's sweet. When she loses her job the month after and is not able to find another, her mental health deteriorates even more and my help results in nothingness but exposure to constant verbal, emotional and physical abuse which I kept on denying and hiding till that day you found everything out.

A month of tears and screams and cries makes me lose my willingness to get Tegan to become better so I just stop trying and let her say and do whatever the fuck she feels like. She and Emy don't really see each other. Vivian refuses to let Emy interact with her and Tegan does not care much anymore because she actually thinks Emy doesn't deserve to have two more kids.

She stated that loudly in front of Sally over dinner a week ago.

We have sex sometimes, and sometimes we fight during it that it ends up in…I don't even know what it is, but I wake up bruised and angry and frustrated so I have more sex with Stacy at her place after work if Sally's in her piano lesson.

I don't know why we fight. We fight over silly things. Sometimes she asks about Stacy so I tell her to fuck herself and as a result I get slapped while she's thrusting in me. When I slap her back, she gets rougher until I cry and tell her to stop. Sometimes she does.

Sometimes she doesn't until I cum.

I don't tell this to anyone because I am too ashamed.

I present my dissertation and become a Doctor of Philosophy in Clinical Psychology. In other words, I become certified to open up my own clinic and fulfill my dream.

Tegan doesn't show up to my dissertation discussion. Stacy and Sally both do with bouquets of flowers and chocolate. We go out for dinner after. When we go back, I invite Stacy in. We have sex knowing too well Sally might be aware of it. I cry after it. She kisses me and assuages my hurtful feelings until I fall asleep.

Next morning I find Tegan in my living room with flowers and a blue box.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I was…feeling so down…I…"

"What's in the box?" I motion.

"Umm…it's…really it's…" She hands it to me. "It's something both mum, dad, and I were planning as a surprise." I squint until I am handed the box. I open it to find a small key. I look up at her flushed features. "This is your new clinic. We have the room rented for a year. Dad is offering to decorate it the way you like, but it's empty now."

"Tegan…" I am speechless. The gasp is floating inside my throat. She's smiling with teary eyes. This must be so hard for her. "You really…"

"I just want you to be happy." I watch her tear sliding down her eyes as she's looking behind. I look back to find Stacy in the black shirt I lent her last night. "Why?" she whispers to me.

"She just slept over," I say. "I was too drunk and sad that you didn't come."

"Tegan, hi, I...," Stacy says, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I really just dropped Sara because she was sad you…"

"Fuck you," my sister says, walking to the door.

"Tegan, wait…"

"Leave me alone," she exclaims, pushing my hand off her.

Things become even worse after that. Sex with Tegan becomes so bad and painful that I attempt running away from it as much as I can. Staying around her becomes more like a chore if she's in a bad mood. When Sally's around, Tegan's okay but salty.

I discover that Tegan hasn't been taking her medication a day before Sally's birthday which is supposed to be held at Tegan's place. I find the pills buried in the drawer of her nightstand and confront her about it.

"What's the point?" she asks.

"You're hurting me."

"You, too," she says. I remain silent, taking a longer look at her. "Tomorrow's my kid's birthday so can you postpone this for later? Thank you, now I…" When she spots my tear falling, she walks up closer to me. "I'll hurt you the way you're hurting me, got it?" I shake my head. "We were good until…" She swallows… "Until you got her in my…"

"Are you serious?" I huff, attempting to walk out of Tegan's invisible cage. "She's been in my life since ever. She's in Sally's life. What is up with you now?"

She shakes her head, laughing. "You can't even admit it, Jesus." She laughs more. "And you say I'm crazy? You're worse, Sara. You cheat and you keep on denying it. Just admit it."

I don't know why I couldn't ever admit it, Sally. Tegan has always been right about me being unfaithful. It's something that I can't control about myself. I am unfaithful. I love too much and love a lot and this is one of the impediments that have always destroyed my relationship with Tegan.

The thing is…I didn't even consider it cheating back then. I was genuinely hurt and I needed someone beside me and Stacy was there. I know I have hurt both and used both and I hate it and I truly can't forgive myself for being the cause of Tegan's deteriorating health. I was asking her to fix herself and seek therapy while I was kicking her down without admitting it. I guess I needed help, too. I was just so tired with Tegan being so much of a hard work. I wanted normal and Stacy felt normal. I wasn't even normal myself.

"Not taking your pills will hurt us both, Tegan," I finally say. "You are imagining and you are dangerous right now." She nods with a smile.

"You think I'll hurt you?" I nod. "Hit you?" I nod again. "God, I wish because I can't stand you standing in front of me right now. You bring out that monster inside me with your lies and deceit and provocation." I spit at her face. I don't know why I do it knowing too well she might lose her tamed control at me but I just do it and it makes me feel so good until I am pinned against the wall with both my forearms squeezed over my head while my heart plays a beat of fright inside my chest. "You do that again and I promise you won't see Sally ever again." She spits at me in return. "Fuck you," she screams the loudest she could. Hot tears stream down her face. "Fuck you, Sara. Fuck you." She pinches my skin until I cry out of pain. "I should have never met you." She spits at me again, making me wrinkle my nose. "Get out of my place…now."

I shake off the whole incident like it hasn't happened because I know we are both fucked up and will act like it's nothing the next day. Plus, I don't want Sally's birthday to be ruined.

I don't invite Emy to Sally's birthday because we're making it at Tegan's place since it's big and she has a lot of friends coming over apart from the important adults in her life. She wanted Emy in her birthday but I explained to her why Emy shouldn't be there.

Stacy drops her off from the beauty salon with the tips of her light brown hair naturally curled while the top is straightened. Her nails are manicured and her makeup is done nicely with a special glow on her cheek bones. She has just gotten her nose pierced this morning and she looks so stunning. She informs Tegan and me that Stacy has done her makeup because she didn't think the women at the beauty center were going to make it look natural. I do agree. I don't think she should be putting makeup right now anyway. She has a beautiful face and doesn't need any but she has asked both of us to do that.

"You didn't tell me she was gonna pierce her nose," Tegan mumbles when Sally goes back to her room. We're both working on the food in the kitchen. Tegan is already dressed in her best suit while I still have to shower and get dressed. Stacy has dropped Sally off to get ready then meet us here. Last night is neglected and forgotten.

"Well, yeah, she wanted it and we thought it's fine." Tegan chuckles. "What?"

"Don't you think something like that should be discussed with me, too?" I don't respond and continue mashing the potatoes in the blue bowl.

"I'm talking to you," she says loudly. I look at her but I don't say anything. "I don't want my daughter to have piercings."

"And I don't want my daughter to have a vibrator at this age but I was not consulted too, so…" I scream immediately when I hear the loud noise of the pan slammed against the counter. "What the fuck?"

"Is it like revenge or something?" She pauses, looking at me with her teary angry eyes. I begin to tremble and back away until I turn around, watching my kid standing there in her birthday dress, eyes as sharp as Tegan's.

"Oh, Sally, you…l…l…," I stutter, unable to get the word out of my throat. "You look so…"

"What the fuck are you wearing?" Tegan screams. "Change that dress."

"Why?" we both ask at the same time. Sally's octave shows how hurt she is.

"She looks like a slut. Look at…"

"Can you not sexualize her? She's sixteen. It's her birthday. It's her body. She can wear what…"

"There will be boys at this party and…"

"Both my mothers said it would be okay," Sally interrupts. "It's just a little bit of cleavage. It's not my fault my boobs are the size of a watermelon. These are you genes, not mine." I raise my eyebrows at her and then look back at confounded Tegan. "You don't get to talk, Tegan. I look like a sixteen year old." Her voice begins to break and I sigh, walking up to her to calm her down.

"You look beautiful, Snowball." I kiss her forehead. "Go to your room," I whisper.

"What the fuck?" I ask. "I thought I was being the annoying strict mum and you're the cool aunt?"

"The dress is tight, short, and her breasts are just…A sixteen year old should never show that much skin."

"You need to chill and stop sexualizing my kid. She's not like you. She won't be like you, and you don't get to talk when you…" Once again, I'm taking aback by a sudden interjection. This time it's not the pan slammed against the counter or the table being hit twice or a loud voice in my ear or a push. It's Tegan's hands around my neck and her body against mine, threatening me, strangling me, making me question all my life decisions and the reasons I have forgiven her.

"You need to stop testing my patience," she says right in front of my face. "She's my kid…not yours." I nod quickly, begging for her hand to release me from this pain. "Mine," she whispers again with gritted teeth. "And after this birthday's over, she would know." She squeezes for a second. I cough and cough until she lets go, shaking the wits out of me. "Cheater," she says, turning around in order to go back to the cooking.

I don't argue anymore. I don't say anything simply because I want the birthday to go well. I don't want Sally to feel anything. I push all my stress and fear out of my head for Sally to have fun. I have all night to think of a solution. I put a smile on my face and make sure to give my baby the best night of her life.

When the party's over, I insist on going back to my apartment even when Tegan begs Sally to stay over. I am not sure what she might do and I have to think of a plan for Sally not to face Tegan when she's in this state. I know for now Tegan hasn't been taking her medications for a very long time. I am sure of it. This is not the Tegan I know. This is the same person who terrorized me years ago. She's not herself and she doesn't even know what she's doing. She also knows about me sleeping with Stacy and I'm not sure if she actually does know or she's speculating because of how close we seem and how friendly we have been.

"Thank you for getting us back here," Sally tells me the moment we enter our place. "I didn't really wanna stay there."

"Did you have fun?" I ask with a smile. I don't want to talk about Tegan.

"It was the best. Thank you." She gives me a hug and kisses my cheek. "I am so happy you are my mother." Her eyes are teary and her smile is lopsided.

"Baby, you're okay?" She nods, rubbing my arm as if she's the protective older person and not the opposite. "Sure?"

"I am just a little bit emotional." She puts her head against my chest again so I peck her forehead. "Mum, I want you to know that no matter what you're my favorite person ever and this won't change."

"Sal…"

"And you can tell me anything."

"Sally…" I open my mouth to speak but my lips stay there open with dryness in my tongue stopping me from uttering the sentence. "What do you mean?" I finally ask.

"I'm just saying." She blushes. "Like, you do all these things for me so…I just want you to know that I'll do whatever for you if you ever need it even though sometimes I am bitchy and annoying."

I nod with a sigh of relief. "Oh, Snowball, you're not annoying. You can be bitchy but that's okay, love." I give her shoulder a squeeze and let go of her. "Now I want you to take a shower and sleep. You're kinda sweaty."

"Okay, ma'am."

I watch her go up to her room before I text Stacy asking her to come over and spend the night when Sally falls asleep. I don't feel safe and I want Stacy to take Sally out in the morning just in case Tegan barges in keeping her promise of taking Sally away from me.

We stay up all night with coffee and sleepless eyes and tired feet thinking of solutions.

"I can give you a solution but you have to listen and actually take it into consideration." I nod while she lectures like the actual therapist she is. "You know and understand her case very well, Sara." I nod again, sighing with my head against the headboard. "Do you love her?" I chuckle. "Be honest with yourself."

"I love her so much but right now…"

"That's it…you love her so much. That's your answer." She puts her mug down on the nightstand and looks at me. "Admit you have slept with me and that you are wrong because that's what she wants to hear." I nod, crying softly. "I don't know why you have slept with me and why we keep on doing it but you know I love you and I can't say no when you offer because you're the only one I can just sleep with in my state."

"I am sorry I keep causing you so much pain." I wipe my tears realizing how many people I have hurt because of my endless love for Tegan who loves me too but doesn't know how to do it properly. "The thing is Tegan doesn't only love me…she's so possessive of me and Sally and is jealous of you."

"I would be jealous, too."

"You wouldn't do what she does." Stacy nods. "She has a problem."

"I think she knows that but right now she doesn't want to deal with it because she wants to punish herself and you for things she hasn't gotten over."

"Like?"

"Like leaving you and Sally slip away from her when she found out." I nod. "Like watching you and Sally start a new life without her because of a decision she has made when she wasn't in full awareness of her emotions. She regrets these decisions and wants to punish herself because, to her, there isn't any use of taking the pills when she can't feel better anymore."

I wipe some of those falling tears. I can't stop and I don't think I'll stop crying anytime soon. "And how can I help? I told her to go to therapy…"

"You can't just tell her to go to therapy when you're not helping," Stacy interrupts. "I think she wants you to cut ties with me."

"I…"

"We should stop sleeping together, Sara. It's really not good for us, Sally, or her because we're not gonna be together."

I remain quiet for awhile, hearing her yawn beside me.

"You have to choose," she says eventually with another yawn. "You have to make a decision. Either break up with her completely which will make her tell Sally and then Sally will react and God knows how, or you tell her the truth about us and admit you have made a mistake because you felt lost and tired and that you want to help her if she's willing to help herself."

"She wants to tell Sally," I say, putting my head on the pillow. "Either way, in her unthinking state, she wants to tell her and nobody knows Tegan more than me. If she wants something, she takes it whether I like it or not."

"Try to talk to her tomorrow. I'll take Sally out for breakfast. Call her to talk."

Stacy doesn't know Tegan. She doesn't know how dangerous she can get when she's in this state but I'll do as she says.

"I want you to take her as early as seven just in case." She nods. "And don't come back until I call you."

"You're worrying me," she says with a slight chuckle. "She probably just overreacted."

I didn't tell her about the abuse. I stopped telling people. I can't admit it. I only told her about Tegan threatening to tell Sally because of how upset she felt that we didn't include her in the piercing and dress decisions.

"Yeah," I eventually say, dozing off.

I dream of all sorts of nightmares. I dream of Tegan taking Sally away from me and running away to another country. I dream of Sally going away with Stacy and never coming back. I dream of Sally discovering the truth and forever hating me. I wake up in sweat and tears, running to the shower to cool myself off.

I check the phone and find no message from Tegan. I wake Stacy then Sally and urge them to leave the house before seven, before Tegan.

"We're going to have some breakfast and then we're heading to the mall because I wanna get some things," Stacy tells her.

"Were you sleeping over?" Sally says while eating her eggs half lethargically.

"Umm, no, I just came half an hour ago." I made Stacy get ready before I woke Sally up because I don't want Sally to think she has stayed over. I don't have an excuse for her staying over.

Sally hums. "Why aren't you coming with us?" she asks me.

"I have some work to do." Sally nods. "Oh and I want a favor from you."

"Hmm?"

"Don't pick up the phone if Tegan calls." She squints at me. "Just trust me and don't. I'll explain tonight." I see her face lose its healthy rosiness and feel the kick from Stacy underneath the table. "It's nothing bad. Really, honey, don't worry. Your aunt is just…not herself lately."

"Yeah, I noticed," she says, rolling her eyes. "That's why I'm worried." I laugh…I fake a laugh.

"Sally, baby, it's nothing bad. I just don't want you near her in this state. I'll try to understand what's going on today." I receive another nod and another eye roll. "I promise it's all good."

"Well, then, keep your phone with you in case I want to call to check on you." I nod and look at displeased Stacy.

Before they leave, Sally comes up to me to give my cheek a kiss. "We have to talk tonight. Really talk, mum." I squint and she kisses my cheek again. "I love you." She walks up to Stacy who gives me half a smile and nods before leaving me in the apartment alone.

I check my phone, pondering whether I should call Tegan to talk or wait for her. My hands are shaking and my heart is beating rapidly I could hear it in the stark silence. I take a deep breath and press on her number.

The moment I hear the ringtone is the same moment I hear the knocks on my door. I walk up to it immediately to open it finding Tegan standing there with her phone ringing. Her eyes are swollen and teary. She obviously hasn't slept, too.

"I called so we could talk," I say. She nods, walking inside. She takes her jean jacket off, revealing her tattooed arms uncovered by her white sleeveless shirt. "Do you want coffee?" She shakes her head, looking around her at the table full of breakfast plates. "Sally's not…"

"I know," she exclaims, finally looking at me. "I saw her leaving with your girlfriend."

"Stacy's not my girlfriend," I say. She chuckles, sitting back. "Tegan, I want you to be calm while I talk, please."

"Go ahead, I'm waiting." Her legs are shaking. I sit down opposite from her, taking a deep breath. "I'm waiting," she repeats shortly.

"I know that…" I take a deep breath. "I know that things are really bad between us right now." She nods, pressing her lips together. "I am really sorry you're feeling this way. You know that I love you more than anything in this…"

"Why do you lie to me?" she screams, her voice cutting me off. Tears instantly follow her outburst. "You keep on lying to me. You say I matter and you hurt me."

"I am sorry," I say. "I am sorry I have slept with Stacy, I just…" I stop. Her eyes are wide. Her tears stream down her face. She begins hiccupping. "Te…"

"You really did cheat," she says. "You did cheat," she screams, standing up, walking up to me. "I was just trying to hurt you by accusing you of cheating because you suddenly seemed so close to her, but you really did cheat…you slept with her, you whore?" The tantrum is coming. I can see it.

"Tegan, calm down." I put my hand against her chest and try to back away but she's too close to me. "I can explain. I know…I know I made a mistake but you…"

"I am what?" she shrieks, pushing me the hardest she could. The couch is flipped with me in it falling over, crying in pain and fear. "What? I was in so much pain and misery. I just needed you to wait for me and calm me and love me and you end up cheating?"

"You didn't wait, Tegan," I shout. "You did the opposite. You talked shit. You abused me. You hurt my feelings. You didn't even look at me or my body and all you did was moan about Sally when she's right here all yours." I attempt standing up, but I can't. I feel the pain in my back and push myself up, but she pushes her entire body on top of me, strangling me. "Tegan, no, don't do anything you'll regret, please."

"I only regret one thing," she says, looking down at me. "I regret not keeping my kid. I regret only that. I don't care you're with Stacy. You wanna fuck her, do it. Just know that my daughter will know today that she is mine and her mother is a whore sleeping around with many women because her lover isn't enough."

"And who's her lover?" I shoot loudly. "You want to tell her we've been fucking all these years? You want to tell her we're sisters? How about you tell her the whole truth?" She slaps me. "Fuck you," I scream. "You can't even say it because you hate yourself. You hate who we are. You hate everything we are." Another slap. "And you won't take my kid away from me," I scream again, pushing her off. I attempt to get up but once again the pain in my lower back stops me so I crawl up to my phone on the coffee table. Before I could reach it, Tegan pushes me down with one foot against my back, stomping with all the vigor she holds. "Why?" I ask while tears pass by my lids. "Why do you hate me so much?"

My chin hits the floor at once, feeling my lower teeth rattle and tasting the blood. A ringing so loud plays in my ears.

"You're my mistake," I hear her. "You're the reason I hate myself. You're the reason I have such a bad life." I try to take a look at her when she grabs my hair, pulling me around like a ragdoll. My eyes are blurry. I wait for the other blow but only hear loud cries for awhile. "You're the reason I'm like this. You and mum and dad and everyone who fucked me over. You're the reason I never get better. I hate you so much. I hate you." I hear more cries. "I wish I could just get you out of my life. I wish I could just stop loving you. I wish I could just feel big enough in front of you."

The best key is to stay silent. Silence is the key. She's not in control of her actions. If I say something, if I make a move, if I provoke her, I might lose my life. So I just stay there like a dead body while she straddles me.

I feel her hand around my neck and feel more hot tears run down my lids. "Please, no," I beg. "Tegan, just think. This is not you. You'll regret this." I feel her squeezing. "Te…" I start coughing. "Ple…" I cough again, crying hysterically.

I try my best to move my lower body but it's almost numb with her weight on me. I don't think I'll ever forgive her. I think I have lost my life again. I feel the leg of the table behind me so I hold onto it, trying my best to pull it closer to flip it against us, maybe it will shake her or something. Thankfully, she notices and stops. I cough for awhile, feeling her weight lifted.

"Sally's mine," she says. "She's mine."

"How do you think Sally will react when she sees this?" I look at her? "Her actual mother is an abusive cunt who almost killed her other mother? How do you…"

Blackness and pain. That's all I feel after the scream. Is it mine? Is it Tegan's? I feel only pain and blackness. But I hear voices and feel more pain and more and more and more. I try my best to crawl with closed eyes. I crawl but I don't know where. I hear my phone ringing but I can't open my eyes. I moan loudly and crawl as another strike pushes me down.

This is the worst of them all. I stay in my place receiving more blows on my face, my chest, my back, my head.

Tegan's going to kill me. She's going to jail. She's going to end my life and destroy Sally's life. Tegan's not healthy. Tegan's a monster. She's dangerous. I should have never forgiven her.

I hear cries. I hear screams. I hear shouts. Did she wake up? Did she realize it? I try to open my eyes but they hurt so badly.

"I'm calling the police," I hear. "Leave her. I'm calling the police," I hear again.

"She's not your mum. I am…you don't get it. I am…I am your mum and she took you away…they took you away from me. They stole you…They stole you because they think I am incapable and sick and…" I open my eyes slightly finding silhouettes of women around me.

"Mum," Sally shouts. "Mum, can you hear me?"

"I am your mum," Tegan screams.

"Tegan, get out before I call the police," that's Stacy.

I hear more sounds. More cries. More voices. I feel people around me and I hear shrieks. I don't know who says what because the pain is louder than anything.

"You think I don't know you're the one who birthed me?" I hear. "You think I am stupid?" I hear her scream. That's my Sally. "You think I don't know that Jeremy's my father?" What? No. No…Sally.

I attempt to speak but the ringing in my ear is too loud. The taste of blood is too strong. I choke on it.

"I know everything. I've known everything but I never loved you," Sally says. "Leave me and my mothers alone and don't ever come back. I don't want you in my life."

The hand I feel around me is Stacy's. I know this hand. She's trying to keep me awake by pouring water on my face, but I can't stay awake because I think I am starting to hallucinate, too.

"Go away or I'll call the police," I hear again. I hear cries. Tegan's. These are Tegan's.

"I didn't mean…Sara, I'm sorry…I didn't mean…"

"Go away or I'll fucking call the police," Sally screams. "Get out." The door is slammed and then I feel a hand in mine and one on my chest, feeling my pulse.

"We have to take her to the hospital. I think she has broken bones."

That's the last thing I hear.

I am sorry I am narrating this, Sally. That's my account of it. I barely remember much. I was barely awake. Tegan doesn't even remember the details. When she came over, as you know, she wasn't sober. She had drunk all night. Not to forget her illness and the lack of medication. Tegan hates me narrating this because she doesn't remember and feels like since she can't remember, she is still not in control. I narrated it the way it had happened. I didn't excuse Tegan or remove anything. It's still fresh in my mind and sometimes I have nightmares about it. I wake up in the night and find Tegan beside me and feel so scared. She knows this. She hates this. However, admitting it, narrating it, living through it, and accepting it as a road for healing is important for both of us. We have to embrace our most fierce monsters lest they devour us. Tegan never wanted to admit she had had a problem and pretended everything was fine. She thought her problem was her anger issues, but, truthfully, her issue was not being able to accept that things don't always go the way we want.

She always wanted everything to go the way she wished and desired and once she wasn't satisfied with something, she wanted to steer it back to suit her liking. She didn't understand that life didn't work that way. She never got over the fact she had made a mistake in the past and wanted to fix it by making another and another and another. She never accepted one thing. She wanted everything and still felt shitty about herself. She wrestled with her demons until they destroyed her and me in the process. I'm not saying I am the best person, partner, or mother. I really am not. I cheated on Emy, on Stacy, on Tegan. I kept on cheating and asking for more because I, too, felt like I was missing something despite all the success I was having. In the past, when we were younger, Tegan was the one gaining while I was losing but then it was the opposite and yet I wasn't even satisfied.

It took us time to figure it out, but our biggest impediment was us. It was never a job, a lack of job, another woman, a child, accepting our love, or any of that. It was really just us unable to accept who we really were or accept one another. We just didn't want to admit that living a double life in a cloud of lies was going to destroy us, especially when we both were mentally unhealthy and didn't do anything about it. We hated ourselves. I guess Tegan more than me but I take the blame, too. We had to admit to ourselves that in order to break away from all these impediments, we had to change. We had to change everything. We had to change our whole life and accept the love we tried so hard to push away.

Tegan's my soulmate and I know she has hurt me and I wish for no woman to experience such a toxic relationship, but if I push her away all my life, I'll never find peace. I had to accept her and help her and she had to accept me and help me. So we decided to change even a country, a job, a place, and people. We want peace together and normal, ordinary love like the one I thought I could have with Stacy if I pretended I loved her.

We had to accept that some things in life are not meant to be altered as well. Tegan had to understand and acknowledge Stacy's existence in my life and yours and how important she is to you. She had to understand that to you, she's an aunt and this won't change and, for now, she's not very loved. She had to take responsibility for her actions. I also had to understand that Tegan never had proper upbringing, that Sonia and Stephen never showed her love and that had played a huge part in the way she sees love. I had to understand that I made many mistakes when I slept with Emy or Stacy while sleeping with her when she constantly revealed her distaste for that, when she had suffered from trust issues her whole life. I was pouring salt into wounds. I was making her feel unworthy of my love the way she had once done, and maybe, subconsciously, I have done it on purpose to get back at her.

I still don't understand why I was treating her the way I did after her surgery. I understood she was in so much pain and emotional trauma and, yet, I was pushing her down even more by sleeping with Stacy, by not letting her reveal the truth to you when she wished she could just let you know it.

I also wish to know why you concealed it when you knew so early on. I know you weren't so sure and you were scared it might turn out to be true but I wish you talked to me about it. But things always happen for a reason and I am thankful they are the way they are. At least now I have my small home with Tegan and we both have jobs and we're both happy together in this new place and around these new faces. The only person we need is you. The only pain we have right now is not having you.

Please forgive me and forgive her. Forgive everything and give us a chance.