Content Warning: abuse references.
"Shit," said Ellie as she dropped the jeans she was holding and ran to Juan's bedroom.
It was late, past the kids' bedtimes, and even Pete had already called it a night. But Ellie had wanted to finish folding up some laundry before she went to bed, so she had stayed up.
"Shh, hey buddy, it's okay, it's okay," she said as she made her way through his room.
She had been folding the pair of jeans when she had heard it: crying. Loud. Coming from Juan's room.
She had known immediately.
"It's okay buddy, I'm here, shh, it's okay, you're okay, you're safe, you're safe, I got you."
She stroked Juan's back as she tried to soothe her little boy from his nightmares.
"Hey, hey, shh, you're safe, you're safe."
Juan's whimpers didn't give any sign of stopping. Instead, they intensified.
Ellie cursed in her mind. It had been so long since her sweet little boy had experienced a nightmare, specially one like this. She hated to see him go through this.
"Juan, Juan, buddy! Wake up, I'm here sweetie, it's okay," she said as she shook Juan awake.
Juan's eyes jerked open, his breathing coming fast and heavy. He was drenched in sweat.
"Buddy look at me, look at me," said Ellie as she took his shoulders in her hands.
"Breathe. Breathe. It's okay, you're safe. Breathe. That's it, that's it, sweetie, good boy."
Juan followed her instructions and tried his best to steady his breathing, but after only a few seconds his face changed, his eyes filled with tears and his arms desperately reached out for her.
"Hey, hey," said Ellie, her voice a mere whisper, her face full of concern and worry as she took her little boy into her arms.
"It's okay, I'm here, I got you. It was just a bad dream, just a bad dream, okay? You're safe, you're safe with me, I got you,"
Ellie couldn't think of anything else to say, her soothing words accompanying her strokes on his back.
She really thought he was over them, that these nightmares wouldn't bother him any longer. She had been hoping that somehow all the love she and Pete had given him over the past year had been enough to cure whatever wrongs had been done on him in the past.
How foolish she had been.
"I got you, sweetie. You're safe with me. It was just a bad dream," she repeated.
She rubbed and rubbed his back and stroked his hair, but Juan's crying gave no signs of stopping.
Concern clouded over her as she wondered if this was something more serious than they had originally thought, if maybe their sweet little boy needed more than just love to heal from his past wounds.
Ellie pulled back to look at him, worry painted all over her face. "Juan, baby, what's wrong, what happened?"
"Hewashittingmeagain," came Juan's rushed words in a single sob.
"What?" asked Ellie, not fully understanding what he had said.
Juan looked up at her, tears running from his face. "He was – hitting me – again," he hiccupped.
"Wha-who-what do you mean, in your dream?"
Juan nodded.
"Who-who was hitting, you baby?" Ellie's voice shook as she made the question, part of her terrified to find out the answer.
"He was."
"Who?"
"Mario."
"Who's Mario?"
Juan whimpered but didn't say anything.
"Juan, who's Mario?"
The little boy closed his eyes as he let tears wash down his face.
"Juan! Who is Mario?" Ellie begged.
"Mom's boyfriend," said Juan as a sob overcame him and he reached for Ellie again, burying his face in her chest.
A chill ran down Ellie's back. She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She didn't know what to say. How to respond. What to do.
Ellie closed her eyes and fought back tears as she rubbed Juan's back. A thousand different emotions coursed through her.
Hurt. Pain. Sadness. Frustration. Anger.
A lot of anger.
As tried to soothe her crying son, a million questions flooded her mind. She took a deep breath and tried to think logically.
Apart from Lizzy, neither Juan nor Lita wanted to have contact with their birth mother -not until they were older. It was a decision they had made by themselves, just before their adoption court date. Throughout foster care, all their previous visits had been supervised. Which meant this had to have happened before the kids went into care.
But why had there never been a mention of this?
Why hadn't they been told?
And how the hell could Carla have let this happen!?
Ellie let Juan cry on her chest until she felt his sobs slow down. She took his head in her arms and ran her hands through his hair, trying desperately to show him that he was safe, that he was loved.
When Juan's breathing even out, Ellie pulled back and looked at him. As much as she hated bringing up the past and trauma, she needed answers.
"Baby, did he… did he hurt anyone else? Did he hurt Lita?" she asked, her voice a mere whisper.
Juan shook his head.
"Did he hurt Lizzy?"
Juan shook his head again.
"Just you?"
He nodded.
"Does… does anyone know? Does Lizzy know?"
Juan shook his head.
"Does Carla know?"
God help her but she couldn't bring herself to call Carla his 'mom'.
Juan shook his head again.
"Nobody else knows?" asked Ellie.
Juan shook his head. "He told me if I told anybody he would hit me harder," his voice was trembling, his body shook as the sobs came over him again. "He said I needed to be a man, that he was gonna make me into a man," cried Juan.
"Oh god…" whispered Ellie.
She took Juan into her arms, unsure of what to do with his confession.
If someone had ran her over with a car, she was sure it wouldn't hurt as much as this. Nothing could hurt as much as this.
"You're safe baby, you're safe. He's never going to touch you again, okay? Nobody will ever hurt you again. I promise. I'm here. I've got you. You're safe," she reassured him.
As much as Ellie wanted to break down, or scream, or punch somebody, she needed to be strong for her little boy. But she made plans to speak to Pete the second she could.
After a while of simply holding him, Juan looked calmer, so she asked "do you want to try going back to sleep, baby?"
But he shook his head.
"You don't want to?"
"I'm scared," he said.
Ellie took a deep breath.
"Alright, how about we go downstairs for some milk and cookies, and you can try going back to sleep then?"
"Will you stay with me?" Juan begged, his eyes and full of dread.
Ellie's heart broke.
"Tell you what. After milk and cookies, you can come and sleep with me and Daddy. Sound good?"
Juan perked up at this and nodded enthusiastically.
Ellie gave him another hug and kiss, ruffled his hair and said "C'mon, let's go then."
The two of them made their way down the stairs, Juan holding Ellie's hand. When they got to the kitchen, Juan sat at one of the bar stools while Ellie prepared warm milk and cookies for her son.
Juan ate the snack quietly, while Ellie sat next to him and rubbed his back.
"Feeling better?" she asked when he was done.
He nodded.
"Okay, let's go up. We'll clean this in the morning," she said as she got off the bar stool and extended a hand to him.
Juan took her hand again and she led them to the master bedroom.
Quietly, so as to not wake Pete, they entered the room. Ellie walked to her side of the bed and lifted the covers. Her son jumped in and burrowed his face on her pillows. She smiled, then got in after him.
The second she was in, Juan snuggled up close to her.
"I love you, mommy," he whispered.
Ellie fought back tears as she took him into his arms and kissed the top of his head.
"I love you too, baby. Try and get some sleep, okay?"
"Okay. Good night."
"Good night sweetie," she whispered.
As she held her son in her arms, his head on her chest, Ellie let the tears fall.
She rubbed Juan's back slowly, up and down, up and down, hoping that the movement would soothe him to sleep. Hoping that he wouldn't notice she was crying.
She thought about what to do next. The minute Juan was asleep, she would wake up Pete. She would tell him. They would talk. Maybe not much. Maybe they would wait until there wasn't a sleeping son between them, but he needed to know what was going as soon as possible. And together, they would figure things out. They would find a way to help their little boy heal. It would take time, she knew. But Juan would come out of it stronger. He was a fighter. And one day, these nightmares would stop, and he would be free to live his life to the fullest, without the shadows of the past.
He would be okay.
She knew he would be okay.
