A/N: Grammar mistakes fixed, probably.
In this chapter, there's a small section detailing how the 00 Unit works. I'm no enginner, so I did what I could with my limited understanding. If anyone who actually knows can point out if something was wrong, I'll welcome the advice.
Thanks for reading. Zuoriel
Chapter 57: First Cracks
December 14th, 08:23 PM.
(Home Ministry. Yayoi's Office.)
The only sound that could reach someone's ears was that of keys being rapidly pressed in succession.
Yayoi Isumi sat behind her desk, writing reports on her PC after tidying up folders and reports for her superiors. The last defense operation had encrusted another hole into the peace of mind of the people, and many were the papers that had to be arranged for tomorrow's various meetings and calls.
Towns got ran over, casualties were still being accounted for, rescue efforts had to be planned, reconstruction and reallocations had to be prepared. A speech for the media also was in the making. As a seasoned member of the Ministry, Yayoi had the responsibility to stay overnight until everything was done, and done well. Her subordinates were also scrambling on their desks, they wouldn't dare to leave before she did after all. She took a second to herself and exhaled a long, heavy sigh. For someone else, she might look composed, like a flower enduring a hard rain despite the violence of the droplets.
However, that was nothing but an act.
See? Her lips are tightly sealed. She keeps stealing glances at her PDA every now and then. Her feet, that should be quiet, are slowly rustling together as if she had a little kitty jumping on them. Yayoi noticed the signs and that's why she took a second off, to drink some water and clear her thoughts.
She knew. She knew and that's why she was feeling the pressure on her chest. Two of her sisters and the man she loves were yesterday on the battlefield. The UN had not sent any reports yet.
Her gaze wandered to the picture they took once. Before all this madness started…
The four sisters and Masaki, on that tree by the hill behind Hakuryo Base. Sometimes, fate has rare ways of drawing parallels. One time, the four sisters and Masaki had gone to Sadogashima, before the invasion of course, to relax on one of their days off. Back before Akira and Marika had to enlist, before the fallout came and devoured their peace like a hungry fox gazing at a bunny. Before Masaki had to give up on his dream to be forced to enlist in the army. Back when they dared to dream of a peaceful tomorrow.
"Please don't be so down, Isumi-san."
"Eh?!" The intruder's voice surprised her and she almost dropped her cup. "Chief Yoroi? Sigh… How many times must I ask you to knock the door when you arrive?" Yayoi placed her cup on the desk, combing her hair to regain some poise.
"Hahaha… Sorry, however, an agent like me cannot simply come and go in the open. Could you do something about the blinds?"
Yayoi sighed and shut the blinds, leaving them in solitude. Yoroi always entered her office in a way so that no one else knew he was there, so for them to speak comfortably all that was left to do was obstruct the view of the rest of the office. She could easily excuse herself one way or the other.
"To what do I owe this visit, Chief Yoroi? I very much regret that if you brought new intel to add to the reports, I am going to be most upset at you."
"Please don't shoot the messenger." He said, raising both of his hand in his trademarked comical way. "While I did bring some new intel for your work, it is not something you should stress over."
Yayoi sat down, not letting Yoroi's face out of her sight. Chief Yoroi is a very busy man, so he must have a very good reason to be here. It was not unusual for them to meet and discuss matters from time to time as fellows who worked in the realm of the internal affairs of the Empire, however, Yoroi's reach was far wider than Yayoi's. He only came to her when necessary, and every visit would leave her with at least a pile of folders worth of new work to do. If comparisons have to be made, I'd say she's a candle while he's a flashlight.
She can see what lurks around, but ultimately can only discern the rough shapes and silhouettes she sees. She does not have the power to pierce the veil of secrecy that a few well placed folders in the right drawer form. Yoroi, on the other hand, can cleave through the darkest alleys and uncover with great precision and detail any matter he might be tasked with. That is not to say he's better than her, mind you. A candle has uses a flashlight doesn't.
How to say it… If you were to write a report, sitting in a desk, wouldn't you prefer to be lighted by the company of a few candles? Or would you put a flashlight in a place so that it showered it's light onto the room? When you think of someone writing and discussing grave matters in some secluded, underground place… Doesn't the image of a desk with some candles come to mind to you? That is Yayoi Isumi. People do know her ties and reach well, and yet, they can bring themselves to confide in her and ask for advice in regards to some more… personal views on the matters at hand. Yoroi could never fulfill such a role. Not because he lacks the skills, on the contrary, he might be as good a confidant as Yayoi.
But I'm sure you'll agree with me that his personality isn't the most suited for long, insightful talks. People tend to have very little patience with him, despite his usefulness.
So, in this dark night, where secrets and details had to be clarified within the letters of many reports, where a single word could change the whole meaning and weight of a speech, someone made sure both the candle and the flashlight were able to meet. That is why Yayoi crossed one leg over the other, ran a hand slowly over her hair, and leaned comfortably on her seat. Yoroi didn't sat down, as usual, and removed a few folders from the safety of his suit.
"This are the details of the losses during the last defense operation."
"I see. Thanks for delivering them yourself, Chief."
"A bird told me that the fox's paws suffered no damage during the fight."
Yayoi understood the message and merely nodded at the words. While she didn't allow herself to sigh, her back and lower body lost tension and, with the slowness of a moving cloud, she relaxed onto her seat.
"Now then, if this is not the motive behind your visit… What has brought you here, Chief?"
"I wish to hear your opinion on some… conflicting footage. All I ask is that you remain calm."
Yoroi hadn't made a single joke since he arrived. And she knew then that whatever this was, it was a grave matter.
Yayoi leaned forward onto her desk as Yoroi produced a small laptop from a suitcase. She gulped once, entwined her fingers, and fixated her gaze on the screen.
A rather messy video started playing, no audio was coming out so she didn't knew what she was looking at for a few seconds. Despite the scanlines, it became obvious this was footage of the recent battle after short moments. Yayoi also knows of a certain group with dangerous leanings, led by none other than Cpt. Sagiri. She thought this was somehow related to him, that a sympathizer to his ideas had engaged in criminal actions during the operation. With a through investigation from the Home Ministry's personnel, maybe Yoroi was asking for cooperation to kickstart the countermeasures against said offenders.
…However, what she saw was not something from the present, not a sign for what was to come either.
Only once. She had met him only once.
Yet, she was deeply involved in the clean up of his crew's operations. The fallout of Mogami made her boss, the current head of the Ministry, rise to where he is now. It was one of the few times she briefly regretted her career path, but in the end, it only strengthened her resolve to do her duty.
All of it made the sight harder to swallow.
"…Chief Yoroi, what kind of jest is this?"
"It is no jest, this is the truth. Tell me, does this Takemikazuchi's movements seem familiar to you?"
"…Yes, they are. And they should be to you, too. What is the meaning of this, Chief?"
Her calm, poker face betrayed no emotion. Save for the small, minuscule detail of how one of her eyebrows moved for a second.
"That is something I would like to know. As you can tell by the color of the craft, that person belongs to the UN. She's supposed to be a member of the Valkyries."
"She?" Yayoi had to make an effort to not leave her mouth wide open for a moment. "…Chief Yoroi, please get to the point. What is… Why have you brought this to my attention?"
"Oh, and here I thought you would understand quickly. I was asked to come deliver a request to you. To monitor 1st Lt. Shirogane's enemies."
Yayoi could not hold her utter dismay at the words of the man in front of her. Her eyes widened, ripples forming in the calm pond that is her demeanor.
"…1st Lt. Shirogane is dead."
"Not anymore, it seems."
"Chief, you wouldn't… be testing my loyalty, would you now?" Yayoi said, revealing such a malicious scowl.
"My, perish the thought." Yoroi laughed it off, calming her down. "If I had such a strong death wish, I would rather wait until your beautiful face was well rested." He said as he slowly moved both hands from left to right, a small smile jumping into his face.
"Sigh… Then, what is the meaning of this? I had thought he… well, had died."
"Yes, we also thought the same. But, well… it seems a series of unfortunate events caused him to leave the Empire during the closing of Operation Lucifer. I am not at liberty of telling you of his circumstances, but I'm sure you know what I am asking of you." She nodded, bringing a hand towards her mouth.
"Do you think… the IJA still has a grudge towards him?"
"Yes… Not everybody, but a few high ranking officers surely do. We never found enough leads to make a case against them after all." She nodded in agreement, bringing a couple of fingers to her forehead, slowly massaging it.
"So, you wish us to… do what, exactly?"
"Please, you know it better than me. Some of our sponsors… are not so well spirited as we'd like after all."
"…I can try to talk with my boss, but I doubt we could do what we used to. The most we could do is try to keep them under surveillance. If you're here, it means-"
"Yes, no assassins will be sent." He quickly replied. "What I've been asked to tell you is to keep an eye open on those we suspect, and to have a list of all civilians that are being reallocated close to you. I know our offices may have been infiltrated, but even so we must try to do what we can."
"Do you think they truly would try to make a move?"
"Of course. I suspect they still have quite many contacts in both the UN and the IJA. They can, and most certainly will, use their influence to sway the right people to their benefit. And, if the UN were to know of his missions, we would face a trial for… well, all those he and his peers executed without trial."
"…It is most hilarious. They, of all people, accusing us of violating human rights. Sigh…"
"What it is? Is something the matter?"
Yayoi placed a hand on her forehead again, leaning back into her seat. Blinking slowly, she inhaled through her nose as she pondered what she was told.
"Chief, if I may be so bold…" Yayoi didn't knew if it was wise to ask, but she had to clarify the matter.
The real reason the Swordbreakers were created… The secret mission that was handed to the young man, to Takeru Shirogane… What Amato's investigations left behind, the role his protegee was made to follow, there was no way Yayoi wouldn't try to quench her curiosity.
Yayoi reached into the laptop, and slowly wrote her worry in a text. She then turned it around so that Yoroi could see it.
"What are the chances that EDEN has an underground facility somewhere in the Empire?"
Yoroi moved his hat to hide his eyes, letting the silence bloom in the room. He then wrote his reply and showed it to her.
"Not so long ago, someone told me it would be nice if we could simply order some natto rolls to solve some of our problems."
Yayoi felt a knife twist in her gut as the meaning of the words sank in.
Same Day. 09:12 PM.
(Sumika's Room.)
[Takeru]
"So, which one do you think will stop spinning first?" Sumika's lips twitched, gazing at the three spinning tops.
"Uhh... Left one." Sigh... Still talking in a monotone, huh.
"Alright, let's see how this goes." Me, her and Kasumi then made the toys spin.
As they spun around on the ground, I took a glance at Sensei. She gave me a nod as she checked the computer. So this is working, somehow. Shogi and the beanbags didn't really do much for her and she was on the verge of another berserk attack before we tried this out. Luckily, she seems to like spinning tops for some reason, maybe this world's me also played like this with her?
The toys slowly started to lose speed, and in the end the left one was the last to remain spinning.
"Wow, you guessed right again Sumika. Here, some more candies." I put more of the things in her hand, but she's just holding them tightly. The still waters in her face betray no emotion, she's as blank as a sheet.
I glance at Sensei, who gestures for us to stop with a pleased smile. However, as I tried to stood up, Sumika grabbed my hand and pulled me down again.
"Don't leave."
"Sumika, we played a lot today, right? I have to go back to my room."
"No."
"Come on, now. I'll come back tomorrow and we'll play again. I'm not going anywhere."
"No!" She then dug her nails into my arm as if they were a hot knife and my arm was made out of butter.
"Sumika, calm down. Nothing's wrong, no one here will harm you." I slowly pat her head, biting back the pain. Kasumi rubs Sumika's shoulders slowly.
"Takeru-san, shouldn't we turn her off?"
No, she has to get better. And Sensei needs the data, Kasumi.
"But she might hurt you, and I don't think this is good for her."
She was also like this last loop. We have to endure it until she can control her emotions again.
"Well, if you think it's for the best I won't say anything else. But if it hurts too much please say so." Kasumi moved her bunny ears, directing a gaze firm as a cliff at me as we tried to stop Sumika's wailing.
Thanks for worrying, Kasumi. But don't worry, I'm-
"Go away!" Sumika shouted suddenly, harshly knocking Kasumi away with her free hand.
"Sumika, calm down! Kasumi isn't your enemy, she's-"
"No! Go away!" Her grip on me tightens, her nails pierce even more deeply into my arm. Her face, however, was not the berserk one. Sumika was shivering, eyes wide as if hell itself was opening it's gate before her.
"Ugh! Please calm down, Sumika. Nothing's wrong, we're all on your side here."
"Sumika-san, don't be afraid. I'm your friend." Kasumi slowly moved towards her, minding her tone. With the slowness of a moving cloud, Kasumi hugged Sumika's quivering frame.
We remained like that for a moment, Sumika eventually calmed down. Once she was stable again, Sensei sent her into Sleep Mode without any sudden shutdowns required and we connected her to the pod as usual.
"Shirogane, to my office. Yashiro, you stay here monitoring her condition." Sensei said, to which we nod. She goes her way out of the room, waiting not a single second.
I take one last look at the pod, seeing Sumika's sleeping face. Sharing a nod with Kasumi, I also leave the room.
Sitting in my usual sofa, I receive my usual red and white mug from Sensei. She sighs, drinks some coffee and let's her gaze wander about to the ceiling as she leans back into her seat.
"What do you think of that last outburst?" She asked.
"She was either seeing another traumatic memory or she was afraid of me leaving." I don't think she was actually scared of Kasumi. It makes no sense if that was the case.
"...I see. She's progressing slower than in your last loop, right?"
"Yeah, she is. I'm not going to-"
"I wasn't going to suggest anything. Drop your guard." Sensei cuts me off, slowly spinning in her chair. "Shirogane, did I ever tell you what you were doing right last loop?"
"Regarding the 00 Unit? No, you only told me she never showed emotions when I wasn't around, and told me I just needed to be around her to trigger a change. Her shift in attitude also happened more drastically, she started behaving like a kid just a few days after you put me in charge of tuning her. Our current situation feels like that middle step between her unresponsive but aggressive persona and that kid stage she was in." I drink some coffee, crossing one feet over the other as I recall those days before Sadogashima.
"Hmm... You told me Yashiro shared memories with her too, right?"
"Yeah, that Sumika once said she remembered sharing breakfast with my squad, but the one who did that was Kasumi. Do you think Kasumi can't link the memories of her little self I saw for some reason?"
"No, that's not it. You said that world's me made you do something to properly tune the 00 Unit. I suppose she sent you back to your world, something happened to Kagami over there, and her data flowed into that world to the 00 Unit, right?"
I look down, putting a bit more strength into the tip of my fingers. I drink slowly, feeling the warmness of the coffee raining down my throat and relaxing my body as the taste spreads in my mouth. The mint leaves that threatened to clog my mouth as the image of the gym came back vanished, I again meet Sensei's gaze.
"...Yes, that's what happened. I am not doing that again."
"No matter what? I'm sure you know it, we need the 00 Unit in working condition as soon as possible. Even if that Kagami suffers again, that world will get fixed in the end. So, what's the harm in-"
"One more word and I break off our pact." The sting of a blizzard in my words, Sensei frowns and glares at me with a wildfire spreading in her irises. I meet her eyes without any hesitation, arms resting in the sides of the sofa, lips tightly sealed.
A small moment of silence extends in the office.
"Sigh... Fine, I won't ask you to go back there. Do you have a plan to make this go better then?" She asks as composed as usual, despite some burning trees still residing in her eyes.
"Yeah, actually. We just gotta do the reverse of what we were doing before."
"The... reverse?" Penguin in a desert.
"Remember what we were doing until the volcano erupted? Can we use the machine to keep me stable so that Kasumi can bring out good memories of him without letting the dark stuff resurface so strongly?" Sensei holds her chin, and, spinning slowly, she took a moment to ponder my suggestion. She then faced me again, hands entwined.
"So instead of holding back the memories, you want to bring them out? You are aware of the risks that come with this approach?" She again narrowed her eyes at me, a taint in her tone. So she doesn't think I can handle it, huh.
"Well, I'm in too deep already. We need to tune Sumika, we need intel on his enemies, and I need to know whether or not I want to openly assume his position. Think we can do it?"
"...Let me test it first. I can't have you getting hurt again, after all. Do you want to try another regular recovery session tomorrow?"
"I guess? By the way, what about the medicine? Am I getting more of it? Or another headband?"
"Don't worry, you're well protected against those dark memories so long as you remain calm and positive. So, tomorrow at night?"
"Sounds good. Don't worry, I got it under control now." Sensei hums, going for another sip of coffee. "So, how did the session go in the end? Was it a good one?" Sensei relaxes onto her seat, leaving her cup on the desk.
"It went fine, I guess. Your idea of playing games did affect her more strongly. I got some new readings and data to compile for later. It was better than anything we've done before, so let's keep trying this approach for now."
"How much better are we talking about?"
"What the 00 Unit is struggling with right now is the processing of Kagami's memories. Every time she tries to do so, the instruction she demands are too much for her own constrains and that causes her to end up overheating. This time she was again drawing too many resources as usual, but she was handling it better. She didn't faint after all."
"So, what does that mean? Do we have a baseline for how good she is now?"
"Hmm... Well, you see, the real meat of the matter is more complex than whatever I could use to explain it to you." She sighs, her shoulders dropping like falling leaves in autumn. She then regained her usual air in a second, raising a hand at the ceiling as she spun yet again. "Different parts of her processing unit deal with different aspects of the emulated data that makes her able to emulate Sumika Kagami's personality, and each of those parts also rely on a wide array of programs that execute instructions in parallel, all of that across different threads working independently, but in conjunction with each other, within the constrains placed on the unit. Problem is, some programs, like the ones in charge of her emulated psyche or the one that links her emotional reactions to her body's reactions, have to be the ones providing the final decision on which instructions get priority, to name it something, to properly make her thought process human-like. Due to her trauma and reactions towards what she sees, her will is overriding those instructions, that is the reason for her outbursts. She's ignoring what she should be doing, processing what she sees are memories, and reacts as if that was her reality now. That causes a duality in her perception and the programs cannot keep up with the necessary instructions required to regulate her body and emotions, since not only Kagami was void of any of her senses for so long but also what happened to her is something that probably cannot be easily emulated without a long, detailed analysis, which only makes everything worse for her."
"Basically, what she sees is so strong she can't distinguish it from reality and that sends her whole system on a loop of anger or fear. Then, she can't keep up with both what she feels for the memory because she relieves it as if it were an intense flashback, alongside how her body has to react in a proper way to the memory. Was that somehow right?"
"Exactly, that is it. The 00 Unit tries to assimilate the memory, that forces her to emulate the pain and trauma, her current status clashes with her perceived status as she experiences the flashback, her programs' priorities get mixed up, she starts using more energy than she should as she thrashes about while the security programs try to execute the right order to work in, her system falls into chaos as the instructions don't align, she shuts off as the errors overload her system. When you were not around, during the first days, she wasn't reacting to anything. She was stable, but she was like a computer. She wouldn't have been able to use her parallel processing for anything in that state, so seeing her now act on emotion is a sign we're on the right track. While this time we don't have the data of another Kagami flowing into her to give her data that's easier to analyze and build her core self upon, we have the memories of this world's Shirogane in you related to Kagami as another possible central stone. However, if this doesn't work out in a few days..." Sensei stops spinning, entwines her fingers, lays her elbows on the desk, and faces me with the intensity of a hailstorm." I want you to think throughly what you should do to make sure the 00 Unit is properly tuned before the Sadogashima Operation."
I narrow my brows, crossing one leg over the other, meeting the hail as I tighten my gut. I won't recoil, I won't do that ever again.
"We don't need to send me there, we'll make this work."
"I surely hope so." She again leans back into her seat, her complexion softening, leaving the lioness behind. "Well, you should be going back to your room. Tomorrow you have more trials with your Shin, so get as much rest as you can."
"Got it. By the way, I'm doing the same courses I did today again?"
"Yes, of course. The Shin might have been made using a well tested frame, but it still needs data to iron out it's specs, specifically the joints and Blade Edge armor's aerodynamic performance."
"Well, in that case, can we do some more intense stuff? I feel like today's run wasn't all that good."
"It wasn't good? Yashiro was pleased with it, Marimo complimented the Shin, as well as all the others in the CP, even the mechanics were truly happy with it's performance for a first run. What was bad about it?" Sensei said, eyes locked onto me as a hand slowly grasped her chin.
"For starters, the ground portion was too light. The targets were all stationary. What good is the test if we don't see how the joints react while having to actually reposition the TSF to attack while running?"
"Hmm... That's just standard testing protocol, you know."
"Well... Second, the air section was... well, empty. I'm not saying to fill it with thousand of things to dodge, but a few would do wonders to test how the Blade Edge fins let the Shin handle air maneuvering and sharp turns."
"I see. And what else felt off?" Sensei was slightly smiling for some reason.
"Finally, I was kind of expecting a mixed course like the one in Level A. You know, the one with the missiles where you have to switch between ground and air to truly avoid the targets? So, can we do something like Level A instead? Minus the fighting missions, of course."
"Well, if the Chief orders it, there's little we can do."
"Sensei, I'm-"
"The Deputy Chief of Hangar 90, and the one in charge of the Shin." She says with a grin, her tone brimming with glee as if she were a cat looking at a ball. "Now your report on it makes sense, I thought you would be more thrilled to ride your machine but this explains the lack of your usual emotion on the papers. So, you want to run through Level A of the Cadet's test in the Shin?"
"Yeah, I do. Do I have your approval, Vice Commander?" Eyes squinted for a sec there.
"Of course you do. And don't worry, I'll lock the Jump Units so that you're in no risk. Anything else you wanted to do, Chief?"
"Well, I was thinking on doing a comparison run across the squad. We are supposed to test the new models against the base Shiranui after all."
"Yeah, I guess that's true... So, all of Gleipnir does the run?"
"That would be ideal, yeah. I am also really curious about the 1C. Oh right, what about the deals? Is the XG coming already?"
"I'll fill you in on that later." Uuh... She has to smirk like that, she must love withholding this from me. "So, you all should take the runs in pairs. This way we can see how much Yashiro is learning from you. Sounds good to you?"
"Yeah, that'd be great. Do we need to fill in something to officially make the run?"
"Oh, don't worry. I'll tell the crew on night duty to ready all eight TSFs for it, and delegate the making of the report for official purposes. Marimo will deal with the rest of the official stuff, as the leader of the Gleipnir." I think NotMarimo-chan is not going to be pleased with this. "You all will be doing the run tomorrow morning, so you better rest well."
"Got it. Well, I'll be going now."
"Yeah, you do that. And, Shirogane?'
"What is it?" I stop as I was reaching the door and look back, Sensei was now with her poker face, eyes dry as sand.
"Leave that matter of Hikami and his enemies to me. Don't try to approach the Guards or anyone else about it. Understood?" I know that face. I know it well.
"...You wouldn't be keeping something from me now, right Sensei?"
"No, I'm just saying you'd do well in focusing on what's in your hands. We'll deal with his business starting tomorrow night. And even then, you can trust in me keeping you safe. I will not allow anyone to lay a finger on you, so don't mention anything regarding him to anyone else. Was I clear?"
"...Crystal. So, if anything happens... I suppose I should come to you ASAP?"
"Exactly."
"And you'll tell me if you do notice anything, right Sensei?" I smile at her, folding my arms.
"...Of course, you're my ally. I won't leave you in the dark, not after how that turned out last time. I suppose you do know how to handle sensitive intel. You won't put us in a difficult position now, won't you?"
I inhale deeply, feeling the air coming in and out of my lungs. Rustling my fingers against the fabric of my jacket, I take a few steps back into the room, firmly planting my feet on the floor, meeting her gaze full on after blinking and looking up.
"You can trust in me, I will be careful with this. So, no more secret between us?"
"So long as you prove to me you can be tactful about his situation, no more secrets. Can I rely on you to report to me anything regarding the cousins or Hikami, without you slipping up?" She narrows her eyes, entwining her fingers together. Enduring the usual shivering in my neck that comes every time she gets serious, I slowly rise my chin and smile at her.
"Don't worry, I won't let anything else get in our way, Yuuko."
Her expression remained unchanged, but slowly, as slowly as the rising sun, a smile appeared and shone like a shooting star before vanishing into the cool night that was Sensei's complexion.
"Good. Now, on your way."
"Yes, I know." I turn around, but then stop right before the door. "Oh right, almost forgot."
"What is it now?" Sensei asked as she poured herself more coffee.
"Eat something with that coffee. You look really worn out as of late." She frowns, the lioness out of the cage.
"Shut up, I know how to take care of myself."
"I'll keep pestering you until I see proof of that." I say, squinting my eyes at the lone mug in her hand.
"That's enough, I already heard you last time. Go back to your room, Shirogane."
"Yeah, will do. Goodnight, Sensei."
"...Yes, good night." She said as she sat down again.
I leave the office, heading to the elevator. Sumika must be alright, otherwise Kasumi would have come to the office to tell Sensei about it. Well... I only hope everything remains as peaceful as it's been.
The Major and the Pickle Cousins were so bothersome today at dinner. I dunno what was up with that, but they seemed on edge. Maybe working as a team tomorrow will work somehow. Whatever it is that's made them tense has to be addressed, and I suppose it has to do with me probably.
I leave the elevator and make my way to my room. After taking a short shower and rinsing my mouth, I throw myself upon my bed.
Next Day. 07:43 AM.
(Hangar.)
Thanks to Kasumi, I woke up in time today so I ended up being the first to arrive to the hangar after breakfast. And thanks to that, I can be witness to the repercussions of my suggestion.
"What is the meaning of this?!" The Major said as she received the news. "I heard nothing of this. Are you sure of this arrangement, 2nd Lt. Piatiff?"
"Yes, the XO was clear about this. The overview is as I told you, the rest of the details are available in a mail."
"Sigh... I had my papers already prepared and the spreadsheets done too. When was this change decided?" Needles rushed out of her every word.
"It seems that today, Ma'am." Piatiff is as calm as always, though.
"Why does that not surprise me." The Major folded her arms, tightly so, as she groaned a bit.
"What is it, Marimo?" Sensei's voice came from our left. Bearing a giant grin, she slowly paced towards us three. "Is the Major of the STF complaining over a few papers?"
"XO, when and why was this sudden change in our routine decided? The rest of us were to face off against the Valkyries today."
"Well, you do seem to need some more teamwork in your gears. I just went and tried to help you out, too."
"Sigh... I appreciate your concern, but I would have liked to be notified ahead of time."
"Come on, don't be such a stickler to the rules."
"Surely you wouldn't have done this on a whim, would you?" NotMarimo-chan narrowed her eyes at Sensei, who quietly laughed.
"I have no idea what you're talking about. Right, Shirogane?"
"Huh?"
"There's no way this change was made over a little whim, right?" Sigh... You just have to smile like that. Poor Marimo, having to deal with you all the time.
"Yeah, there's no way that's the case."
"Shirogane, what does this mean?" Sorry NotMarimo-chan, but this is for the best.
"I do not comprehend your question, Major."
"What's up, Marimo? The run was not changed on a whim, you can be sure of that."
"Then, why are you here XO?"
"Oh, I came to rip the vinyl out of the Shin's seat. That is my job." Sensei said with glee, contrasting with the Major's icy frown.
"Is that so? Shirogane, you don't know anything about this then?"
"No, Ma'am. Why would I know anything? I'm just a 2nd Lieutenant, right Sensei?"
"Yeah, I was the one who decided the change. Do you have any complains, Major?" NotMarimo-chan narrowed her brows at us for a second, exasperation emanating from her shaking fists.
"Uuh… Then, what about the reports? Are you expecting them as soon as before?"
"Of course."
"And who will be writing them?" She crossed her arms, Sensei smiled at her devilishly.
"That's your job as the Major."
"Eh? There's no way I'll finish the reports if I also have to pilot. What about my lunch?"
"Can it. I chose you as the leader of the Gleipnir specifically because of your experience in dealing with these sudden changes. You are a vet after all, this must be second nature to you. Do you best, I know you can do it!" Sensei's eyes shone with radiant enjoyment, a small firefly dancing in the night. The Major, however, was rubbing her temple, lips shivering in a great effort to not snap at Sensei. Sorry, NotMarimo-chan.
"...Roger, I'll have the reports ready."
"Well, I'll go rip that vinyl. Have fun out there!" And there she goes towards my Shin. She looks like a kid right now.
"Goddammit Yuuko, why must you always be like this?"
"In her defense, I do think the run 2nd Lt. Piatiff described is better than what we did yesterday."
"Yeah, you take her side too." She pursed her lips as she looked at me, the sting of a hornet in her stance. "You will be coming with me to prepare those papers before we go out."
"Huh? Why do I have to, Ma'am?"
"This was your idea, wasn't it?"
"I'm just a 2nd Lt., how could I have-"
"Yeah, right." She got closer, smirking a bit, and spoke in a hushed tone. "Must be tough working with Yuuko, Miss Viking."
"Uhh... Can you drop the Miss, please?"
"Hmph, serves you right for giving me this much work. So, you still claim to be innocent?" A small scythe lurked in her words, ready to pounce on me.
"Truth be told, it was half and half. Sorry."
"Sigh... Don't apologize, I can see some merit in this. Do try to keep me updated next time." I nod, though if things happen so late at night I won't be able to inform her.
After a small while, the rest arrived at the hangar. The Major stepped up and, arms crossed, directed them.
"Squad, our routine has been changed. We all will be taking a run in the training grounds arranged in pairs. The last check ups are being done to our TSFs as we speak." They all nodded.
"Major, are the details of this exercise available?" Takamura asked.
"Yes, 2nd Lt. Piatiff is awaiting there to give you all an overview. Now then, that's all." We salute each other, and they went towards Piatiff.
"Yashiro, do you have a moment?" Kasumi stopped as the Major called out to her. "I wish to discuss something with you."
"Yes, I don't mind."
"Shirogane, you come along too."
"Roger." I wonder what's up now.
"Hm? Takeru, you're not going to your ride?" Shion asked from a small distance. "Hey, what do you think of this exercise?" She came closer and tried to lean on me, but I dodged her and took a step back.
"Sorry, the Major needs me for a second. I'll be right back."
"Huh?" She narrowed her eyes, seeing us three were going towards the hallway.
"Mayor, might I ask what is the matter?" Mion, who was watching the exchange, came closer as I went to Kasumi's side.
"Do not worry, I merely wish to discuss something with the pilots of the Shin. We won't take long." For Marimo to be this cold and harsh… What the hell happened between them?
As we move and go into the hallway, I can feel the stare of both pickles on me.
"Major, where are we going?"
"To a small office that's nearby. Let's speed up." Us three made haste and reached the place.
It was a normal office, some desks with folders and some PCs atop them.
"So, Shirogane… I've been meaning to ask you something." Her gaze focused on a wall, she spoke with a clear tone, revealing no emotion or intent.
"Of course, what is it, Major?"
"What kind of relationship do you have with the Tsukuyomis?"
"…Friendly acquaintances would be what better described it."
"So, you're not bothered by them?"
"No, I don't think they'll do anything to me."
"I see." She closed her eyes, then turned to Kasumi. "Yashiro, what do you think of them? I could see they never tried to talk to you, and they tend to cut into your words the few times you speak up. They tend to give you side glances, but you also don't stare at them kindly."
Isn't that Kasumi just being her usual self? She doesn't really talk much, and with how I described the pickles after the CCSE and with the memory business, she might not like them much.
"I don't like them." Go figure.
"Why is that?" NotMarimo-chan insisted. "I know you can be… very sharp when judging others. Do you think they're dangerous?"
Kasumi took a glance at me, and then nodded.
"I don't think they have bad intentions, but I think they mean trouble for Takeru-san."
"What do you mean, Kasumi?"
"Well… Maybe they want you to be like you used to."
"Like he used to? Yashiro, are you saying they knew who Shirogane was before he left the Empire?"
"Yes."
Kasumi, even so, they're not being mean to me or anything.
"They want you to be like that cold Takeru-san. I don't want that darkness to envelop you. They want you to be like that again. I don't like them." She then moved her bunny ears a bit.
"So Yashiro, do you also know about… his past?" The Major crossed her arms and stole a glance at me.
"…No, that's just what I think." Of course, we can't let her know of the true extent of Kasumi's powers, or about this whole memory business.
"I see. Well, try to get along with them, if only on the surface. If you notice anything wrong with them, notify me immediately. Shirogane, the same goes for you. I do think they won't try to harm you, but let's be careful."
"Yeah, I know. I do think they're just being honest."
"Well, let's just be careful then."
"…Roger." Kasumi gave a nod, I did the same.
"Sigh… So, with that out of the way, can I ask you what can I expect of you two?" Her meaning not lost on me, I cleared my throat and chose my words before speaking up.
"I'll do my usual, but holding back on my dangerous stunts."
"I will do my best." Kasumi said, her crystals shining with determination.
"I see. I know our training will get harder, and I will assume my harsher role while in the field, so don't expect special treatment due to your position as Yuuko's special pair."
"I never expected anything of the sort. And I don't really mind your trainings, Major. I know they might seem like too much, but they're what we need to sharpen ourselves well. Don't worry, I will take this seriously." I return her stare unflinching and she smiles.
"That's good to hear. I wonder if you'll manage in the long run." She says with a smirk.
"I'll do my best, and you're really kind despite everything."
"Kind? Are you serious?" Why is she so surprised?
"Yes. I mean, sure, you're usually angry, but we could have gotten a way harsher training back then."
"Like what?"
"Like doing thirty klicks on full gear." I was actually pumped to do that back when Meiya told me stuff was harder here just to see if I could do it.
"Sigh… No wonder you're special." She smiled softly, without her usual mask. It only lasted a second though. "But don't you rest on your laurels, you can always get better. Remember that, Shirogane. Yashiro, you'd do well in not imitating that cockiness of his." NotMarimo-chan said, giving me a side glance.
"I'll do my best. But I also agree with Takeru-san. I can see you're always worrying about everyone. I am happy to work with you, Major." Kasumi said, honest and direct as usual. The Major's mask creaked under our bunny's innocent smile.
"I see. However, I only worry because of the duty placed on my shoulders."
Kasumi then moved her bunny ears, took a glance at me with descending eyelids, looked at the Major again, and then gave her a small nod. The Major rose an eyebrow, rather uncomfortably, as she looked at us.
"Don't worry, we'll be careful. Right, Takeru-san?"
"Sure?" Who knows what is the Major thinking.
"Ahem… I appreciate that. Well, I hope those two don't give us more trouble. Do be careful, that's all."
"Of course, as I said before, I will take this seriously. I won't give you trouble, Major." I said as firmly as I could, she gave a nod in response.
"Don't worry. We'll be fine." Kasumi said.
"Good to hear. You better take good care of Yashiro, Shirogane." She said, making a fist with one of her hands and furrowing her brows.
"Yes, Ma'am."
"…Thanks for worrying, Major."
"No, it's my duty as your superior. Looking after you is what I should do."
"…Not everybody is like that. Thanks for being so kind." Kasumi bows to her, making the Major dissolve her stern features, if only for a moment. "Your way of looking after us is very 'Marimo-chan'-esque."
The Major opened her eyes wide as a watermelon, slack jawed. She then twitched a bit, as if she had rebooted, and glared at me like a hungry crocodile.
"Shirogane! What have you been saying to Yashiro?!"
"I didn't do anything!"
"Then, why did Yashiro call me Marimo-chan?" A blade made out of thin, sharp ice lurked in her words.
"Maybe she heard me saying it once?"
"Why are you upset? I do think you're really kind, deep down." Kasumi said, tilting her head. "I like that side more than your scary side."
"Well, but we're in the army. I cannot allow you to refer to me in such a way." Yeah, you speak to me and you're a dragon spewing fire everywhere. Now, you speak with Kasumi and you're just an upset kitty.
"Sorry, I didn't mean anything bad." Kasumi lowered her head, the candle that lit up her face fading away.
"…Don't take it so hard. I am not as upset as it might have seem." Her eyes quivered at the sight of our bunny, she folded her arms quite tightly and curved her lips a bit, uncomfortable as clear as day.
"Well, we'll just call you Major from now on. Right, Kasumi?"
"Yes."
"Sigh… Alright, let's just leave that behind. You know, if anything happens you come to me. Let's be on our way."
We nod and leave the office, going towards our TSFs.
Same Day. 03:29 PM.
(B15F. Sim Room.)
[Mikoto]
"So, I'll attack your cavalry with my mage." I move my unit towards the left side of the formation, opening a hole in it.
"Ahh! You're really good at this." Tae-san said as I continued my attack.
"Hehe! This isn't even the warm up!"
In a few turns, our round of CryRing was over. I ended up winning, and then we left the pair of MMTS to the next ones.
"I thought that being paired with you was good, but you're always beating me." Tae-san said, grasping a strand of hair and playing with it.
"Well, I'm not even that good. Takeru was even better than me."
"Oh, really? You all seem to like him a lot."
"Yeah, he's really something. He's really good in almost everything, but he's so patient with us." I look towards him, he was paired with Maejima and they were in the middle of a Valgern-On match. "I have never heard him complain once during training."
"I see… I hope he can get along with Akane."
"Yeah… Me too." Suzumiya, who was free for the time being, was behind Shirogane as she watched and commented on his performance. "By the way, how has training been?"
"Uuh… Same as always." She says, sounding as like toads croaking under the moon, frail and fleeting.
"It sure it tough to keep up with them."
"Yeah. You know, sometimes… I wonder why I was chosen to be on the Surface Pilot Academy." I see… So I'm not the only one… I have been wondering about that too from time to time.
"When you think about it, everybody else excels at something. It's like we're pigeons trying to fly along eagles."
"Ahaha… It feels like that sometimes. Oh sorry, I didn't mean to get so down."
"It's fine, I get down too from time to time." It helps a lot having Takeru to share jokes with, to have him always have the right word of advice. But now… He's no longer there.
"…Do you think we're really helping?" Tae-san said, gazing at the rest.
"I mean, you're piloting now, right? You must be helping a lot."
"…Sometimes I don't know."
"Huh? What is it?"
She looked at me, then at the rest, she then got closer and, after messing with her tags for a short while, spoke up in a whisper.
"Sometimes I feel as if I didn't really deserve to be here."
"Why? Didn't Akane-san say you're her favorite partner earlier today?" She averts her eyes, her lips curving and twisting.
"Well… Lately, I've been thinking I made it out alive more due to luck than anything else. It feels as if everybody else is doing most of the work, as if I didn't really contribute what I should. When Takahara and Asakura died… I was just shaking in my boots, merely staying safe behind the Captain." She stopped and took a deep breath, putting her hands in her pockets and continuing to speak sounding like a pigeon after it got hit by a rock. "Last fight was the same, all I did was follow the Viking. I don't really know if… if I'm actually helping. I think it would be better if a more experienced soldier was in my place."
"…I can see what you mean. Not everybody can be an elite pilot after all."
I always got along well with Tae-san, mostly due to how simple we were. Us and Kashiwagi-san used to hang out a lot back when we all were Cadets. Asakura-san and Chizuru-san were always being strict on our roles and duties, Kei-san didn't listen at all, Takahara-san was always challenging Akane-san to one up Chizuru-san, Meiya-san was so cold back then too, and Miki-san was even more reserved.
Looking at them now, all talking without any hint of uneasiness is really nice. It's a shame Takeru couldn't be here with us from the start. But, thanks to that, I can understand what Tae-san means.
What I know best are medical topics and survival in the wild. When I enlisted, I was thinking I was going to be a militar doctor or something. I didn't expect to be placed in the Surface Pilot Academy, much less where I ended up.
Chizuru-san has a keen eye for keeping us in check, Kei-san is great in CQC, Meiya-san's skill with a blade is off the charts and Miki-san is a great sniper. And then there's Takeru, who can do anything. And in the last spot… There's me. I don't really do anything better than the rest, and they never really listened to what I had to say.
Since I didn't knew as much as Chizuru-san or Meiya-san, they often cut me off quickly. I know they apologized, but somehow… I'm still reluctant to talk openly with them. Now that Takeru is gone, it somehow feels like that is coming back. Without his jokes, without him always being where we most need him, we're really having it hard in the trainings. Being compared to the rest isn't doing us any favors.
And all of them are important people to boot. I'm just a normal girl, I don't really have a bigger purpose to fight. And even then, I never really had anyone tell me I'm important, or a good friend, or anything like that. Even Dad thinks his job is more important, I know he is very passionate about it but he could send me a letter every now and then. It was always the same, I understand it's important for him but… I would like a letter once a month.
"…You know, seeing Akane and the rest got me thinking." Tae-san said in a whisper. "Seeing them deal with stuff so bravely, it got me thinking in whether I have what it takes. I just can't stop asking me, can I do it? Or will I falter one day?" She closes her eyes, her shoulders getting smaller and her eyes squinting as if in pain. "What if my indecision gets someone killed? What if one day I can't take the screams anymore?"
She sighs and then starts playing with her tags again as we both look at the rest, that were engorged in their sim runs.
"…What if I just don't belong here? What if everything I've done until now was just a fluke?" Tae-san bit he lower lips softly, looking to the ground. "If Shirogane hadn't helped me out there, I would have died and maybe I would have put Akane and the Captain in danger too."
"Hey, you did your best. And you went out and fought last time. I was… super scared. I felt bad that we weren't allowed to go with you all, but in a way, I was relieved. I don't know if I could have fought well. I don't blame you for being terrified of the BETA, no one is here willingly after all."
"Yeah, but, you know… I wonder why they don't call veterans to be in the STF instead of putting us rookies here. I heard the explanation but… I don't feel that special."
"Yeah… Me neither." Sure, I can keep up with Takeru after so long, but anyone could do that after a while.
"Tsukiji, your next run is against Hayase in F-Mega." The Major said from a distance.
"Uuh… Well, I'll be going."
"Do your best! Even Hayase-san has to have a weakness." I smile at her as she goes towards her new partner, her energy vanishing like the sounds of a jungle during nightfall.
…I wonder if I'm doing fine. Am I not being a burden? The Captain said we were supposed to be handpicked and trained to be the best pilots there could be, but still…
Ahaha… As if I could be one of the world's best pilots.
"Hey Mikoto, what's up? You look down." Takeru came towards me, hands in his pockets and looking cheery as usual. Thank the Holy Emperor he's fine now.
"What? I'm not down, I was just lost in thought."
"Really? Well, how's the training been so far?"
We then spent a little while chatting, doing small talk of our trainings. Apparently, everybody in his squad was spent after today's morning exercise. And the Major scolded him for doing more of his usual weird and fast moves. That sounds like fun… I wish I could still be with him, he's always so bright despite everything.
"But I wish everybody could be as positive as you Mikoto." Huh? "If only they could try stuff out as sincerely as you do."
"Ahaha, what are you saying? They're all better than me."
"I mean, I do think you're better in some stuff." Me? Better? "You never shy away from a challenge and you're always positive. That's really important for when the going gets tough."
"I think you're giving me too much credit. I'm nothing special." I'm not you. I'm doing my best just to keep up.
"Hey, that's not true." He looks straight at me like a hawk gazing over prey, but he smiles warmly as usual. "You're doing well, Mikoto. Sure, you can get better, but you should be more proud. Others would have died when placed in your shoes."
"…It's easy to fight when you're there, you know."
"Well, yeah, I guess. But you did save my back that night in Komoro, remember? That was no fluke, that was your awareness at it's peak." He says with the chirping of mornings in his voice, with a radiant confidence in his gaze, as supportive as always.
"That was… Takeru, do you really think I'm that good?"
"Yeah. You can get better, but I think you're doing fine so far. We're up against the elite here, remember that."
"Well, sorry for the weird question. Say, there was this new dish in the PX-"
"Is everything alright, Mikoto?" He said. Takeru rarely cuts someone midsentece.
"Ahaha, yeah, I'm fine. So anyways, about that dish. It was so spicy! I felt as if my tongue was going to just dry off and fall." I clasp my cheeks with my palms, remembering the taste as I narrow my eyes,
"…You sure everything's fine? You don't need to fake it with me."
"Fake it? Haha, what are you talking about? That dish was really-"
"Mikoto." He crossed his arms and rested his back against the wall. "Anything troubling you?"
"…Was it that obvious?" I also lean onto the wall. I can't bring myself to look at him.
"Well… While you usually go into weird tangents, you tend to scratch your left ear whenever you're nervous or bothered." Huh? I… do what? He's been looking at me so much?
Aah… Dammit, now I don't know what to say!
"So, I can lend you an ear if you want." He says, playing with his fringe.
I gulp, making circles on my pants for a little while. I steal a glance at him, then look to the ground as I play with my tags.
"Say Takeru… Do you really think I'm a good pilot?"
"Again, yeah, I do."
"You don't think… I don't belong?"
"…Why do you think that?" He said, I could feel his stare on me like the sun on my body after dawn when camping.
"Well, I'm sure you know. Everybody in our squad was someone special, and then there was me. And I wasn't the best at anything."
"Your midrange shooting is awesome, what are you talking about?"
"Yeah, but yours is better. And your maneuvering is also better, Kei-san and Meiya-san are also better at CQC, Chizuru-san has more tactical knowledge and Miki-san is the best sniper. What do I have?"
"Well, for one, you have a better outlook."
"Outlook?"
"Yeah. Sakaki has the pressure of the leader on her shoulders, and Meiya too in a way. So, they don't know what it is to look at a squad from the rear. Tama can do that too, but she isn't as quick on her feet like you. You can support us from any position, be it the rear, the midfield or the frontlines, and you're always aware of what's around you despite how you might seem to be always out of it. You're terribly attentive to the micro-side of the battlefield."
"…Huh? Really?"
"Yeah. How many times have you saved someone's back in the sim runs?"
"I don't know. And that's all I can do, in the end."
"Hey, that's really important, you know. We can move forward because we know you're behind us. You are also braver than most, since you're the only one that actually tried to follow me and my dumb moves." He says with a small chuckle.
"So… You don't think I don't belong?"
"Of course not. You're one of us, and you'll get better in time. Just gotta step up your game if you feel rusty somewhere." He says, raising a fist upwards with the vigor of a lion.
"…But in the end, I don't really shine. All I can do is remain behind someone and watch their backs. If you ever needed me… It'll end up just like during Komoro, I couldn't do anything back then and it's the same now in our trainings."
"…Are you guys not coordinating well?"
"Now that you're not there, we're breaking formation a lot more often. I can't keep up with Kei-san and Meiya-san. If I was better we wouldn't be having this much trouble." I hang my head, hiding my hands in my pockets.
"I'm sure the rest also think they're at fault. The Valkyries are some of the best pilots in the Empire, to train like them is a great jump from what we were doing. Don't be so down, Mikoto."
"But when I'm needed, I end up coming up short. What good am I if I can't pull my own weight?"
I close my eyes and let out a sigh. If I could do what I should do well, I wouldn't get so down. But these last days since we joined the Valkyries, during all of our trainings, I didn't manage to guard their backs as good as I should have. I did went back and tried to solo some missions of Level A, but I don't know what it is that I'm missing. If only I had instincts as good as yours Takeru…
"Haha, sorry. I totally ruined your mood, right? I'm like a crow tainting your evening with it's cries, aren't I?" He's been doing good on his squad, and here I am showering him with my problems. I'm sure he has a lot to deal with, who am I to bother him even more? I never helped him in anything…
Hahaha… In the end, I should just shut up. It's not like anyone cares about what I think anyways. Not even my parents had time for me, why would anyone else?
"Speaking of birds…" Takeru said, ruffling his hair. I looked at him, he had his gaze lost into the ceiling, his lips curving inwards, the hand on his head caressing his hair slowly but with some strength in it. He lets out a sigh and then closed his eyes. "Do you know of a bird called the jian?"
…Huh?
"It's also known as the bird who shares it's wings." Takeru said, repeating words I hadn't heard in a long time. "It only has one eye and one wing, so unless both the male and the female work as one they won't ever fly. Individually, they're incomplete, but together they can do what by themselves would be impossible."
"…Where did you heard of it?"
"Where?" He opens his eyes, curving his brows downwards. "Someone… I liked a lot told me about it once. Back at Yukon, I mean." He scratched his head, looking away.
"…I see." Of course it's a coincidence. There's no way Takeru ever met my Mom. And I never had anyone special to say those words to.
"Thing is, I think most of us in the military are like that bird." He crossed his arms and rested a feet against the wall too. "You say you can't do anything by yourself, that the others are better than you, but do you think any of us could fly without the silent work of our mechanics?"
"No, but what I meant was-"
"And do you think we could do our best without the chefs doing their best with the synthetic stuff we get as ingredients?"
"But that isn't-"
"Yes, it is." Eyes ablaze, he returned my gaze. "No one can protect it's life alone, we can't fly by ourselves. So, what's wrong in you being our tailwind?"
"Tail… wind?"
"Yeah, you keep our backs safe, you give us the space and peace of mind we so much need. I'm sure the rest feel the same. You're really important for us, Mikoto. All of us are, in a way, reliant on the rest. No one can be a one man army, not now, not ever."
"…But wouldn't it be better if a more experienced soldier was watching your back?"
"I mean… Yeah, but you also could be fighting with better soldiers in front of you. And, anyways, I at the least wouldn't trade you for anyone."
"Huh?! You… Why?" He's messing with me, I'm sure. Why am I getting so-
"I doubt I could get along so well with anyone else, you're the only one who follows my jokes." Not a single hint of joking in his voice… "Sure, if we had a bunch of vets with us things would be less scary, but even so I really rather have you on my team. There's just this feeling when you just sync up so well with someone, you can't replicate that anywhere else. And I feel safe with you behind me, so I wouldn't trade you for anyone else."
"We're not in the same squad anymore, though."
"We're still part of the same force." He smiled again, looking straight at me with a completely relaxed posture.
"Still… I'm sure you could find someone as good as me. In the end, we'll end up shuffling through many squads. We're all just pieces in a board, when you think about it. When one of us goes down, you'll have to move on and find another partner." And someday that will happen. And that's why me and Tae-san are so scared of our own shortcomings.
"So you're saying that if I drop dead or end up in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, you'll just forget about me? Dude, that's real cold." He squints his eyes, puffing his cheeks a bit.
"It's not that, it's just… I mean, everybody is expecting great things from me since I'm here, and I don't… I don't know if I am up to par with their expectations." I inhale slowly and bring my hands behind my back, I look upwards as I rub my legs together. "I don't want to disappoint them, but I know I'm not that good. And we're not allowed to fail, not in the battlefield. So… Well, maybe it would be better if someone with experience took my place. That's what I think sometimes."
"I see…" Then, silence around us. "Then, the solution is simple."
"Huh? Really? What is the solution?" He always seems to have the right words, somehow. What is this solution?
"Simple. Make love to your fears."
"…Huh?"
"People will die Mikoto." He looked at me, and his face lost all sunshine. Dusk was coming in his complexion. "I assure you, if you could somehow go back in time a thousand times, you will never find a way to save everyone."
He took a deep breath through his nose and ruffled his hair again, this time slowly. His eyes sharpened as if he had tasted a snake for the first time, he exhaled slowly.
"It doesn't matter how good or bad you are. People will die, that's a fact. And if you survived, that's enough. If you ever want to stop fighting, that's enough too. The results might say you're a coward, that you failed in protecting what was dear to you…" He again closed his eyes, folding his arms and then looking upwards. "But shit is going to hit the fan eventually. So, instead of worrying about what you can do, of what might be, try to do what you can." He then returned my gaze, a small glimmer of his usual kindness back in his eyes. "See what you do best and try to do it better, try to find a new angle to complement it, and try to make peace with your fears. If you prepare yourself mentally it will make the pain easier to manage. Sure, there's some stuff… no one wants to prepare for." He bit his lips for a second. "But it's better to learn to live with that pain, to carry it with you, than to bottle it up or to look away from it. Trust me, you don't want to do that. So, one day, you'll realize you're no longer getting paralyzed in front of what you once feared so much. And then…" He chuckles a bit as he looks at nowhere in particular. "And then it's time to fuck whatever it is that scared you as hard as you feared it. Sadly… Facing that stuff head on is the only way to deal with it."
"What if I can't face it?" He then smiled, raising a finger upwards.
"You can. Just that it'll be different than how I did it. Some people pump themselves out in battle, others hold tightly to their duty or religion, others dedicate themselves to an activity, others write bad novels. The important thing is, you find a way to deal with whatever it is that scares you. And just like you guys told me before, don't tackle it alone."
…Was it always so simple? All I had to do… was think about it? I mean… All this time I did nothing, I just kept on marching onwards without much thought on why I couldn't find my own niche. I never thought my weakness could be my strength, or that I should be open about my fears. The Major was so firm about us having to be resolute and driven as soldiers, I always thought speaking of my insecurities would make the others look down on me, save for Miki-san.
"…Thanks a lot, Takeru. I… still don't know what I want to do regarding my place in our team, but I think I'll try being a bit more open with the gang."
"Good to hear. And really, don't be so down on yourself. Why don't you try letting the rest fight without you for once? See for yourself what they do without you."
"Oh, to actually let them fight as a flight? I wonder if the Captain will let us do that."
"Don't worry, I'll go bother her later for you." He says with a smug grin, holding a chuckle.
"Hahaha, you'll get punished if you do."
"Hey, I stayed in that cell for so long, anything they throw at me is nothing compared to it." Takeru then puffs his chests, ruffling his hair with one hand.
"Come on, don't be an idiot." He always manages to make me laugh. How does he get those weird ideas?
"Yoroi, it's our turn in Steel Gear." Kei-san came up to us, so now it's up against her, huh?
"Got it. Well Takeru, I'll be going."
"Yeah, good luck. Ayamine, go easy on Mikoto." Takeru smiles at me, since I wasn't that good on Steel Gear when we trained with it that day way back when.
"…Sure." Kei-san answered, turning back.
"Shirogane! You're up in F-Mega next!" The Major called for him from the other side of the room.
"Oh, here's my call. Mikoto, Ayamine, catch you later!" He waved at us, moving towards his place.
"Yeah, later Takeru."
Kei-san moved away, going towards our sofas as I followed behind.
…Thanks a lot Takeru. Really. You say I'm always looking after the rest, but even in that you're better than me. But you're right, I have to try to move past this. Even if I don't think I'll ever forget what I saw that night at Komoro, I don't want that to happen ever again.
So… even if it is mortifying, I suppose I first have to get in the mindset. Don't despair, not even in death. And what he said is true, we're all like the jian. I have to be brave for them, just like how they're brave for me. That's how we started feeling like a squad after the CCSE, when we started working together under the same goal. How could I have forgotten about that?
"Yoroi, the program is ready." Kei-san hands me my terminal.
"Yeah, let's do it. I won't hold back."
"Heh, try your best. I still haven't lost in it."
"Well, here goes nothing then." Even if she's the best in this, I will do my best. Just like Takeru said, no use in getting depressed over something like this. I'm sure I have a way to tackle this training that only I can do.
"Alright, you two ready?" The Captain asked as she sat in the PC that received the data from our MMTS.
We nodded, and then we started the connection to start our training.
