CHAPTER IV: REPENTANCE


The dark field of flowers returns but the shade of Doris is gone. It doesn't matter if she's there or not anymore because she already helped me face the memories I didn't want to acknowledge. I gently place my mother's heirlooms into an emerald box of magic I summon, tapping the box with my right fingertips so that the heirlooms would be untouchable by any further spells. I close the box by bringing my hands together and take a deep breath, still unsure if what I'm about to attempt will work but endeavouring to try.

"I blamed myself but never asked why I blamed myself... I didn't take the time to remember what I did wrong... but now... I remember," I whisper to myself as I start to channel all of the magic within me. Emerald arcs of energy crackle along my arms and hands, charring the scales and flesh they touch. I'm so used to self-inflicted pain by now that I can easily focus beyond it, my hands slowly coming apart so that the energy can condense into something solid between them. Power arcs between my fingertips but I focus the arcing emerald energy towards the slowly growing orb of matter between my hands. A dark purple shard of magical glass starts to form, rough and misshapen at first but slowly growing into a perfect gem.

"I brought you into being... and I bound you to me because I wanted to feel safe... I wanted to feel loved... but what I did isn't love... what I did is inexcusable," I whisper as my body shakes slightly from the exertion. I already know that I'll run out of magical power before the ritual can be completed so as soon as it's spent, I start tapping into my life force to provide the remaining power required. Everything from head to toe starts to hurt beyond my ability to ignore and I feel blood seep from my nose as my body tears itself apart. I start to feel faint but before I pass out, I shout at the crystal with a powerful invocation, "Maximize magic! Forge Soul!"

The shard explodes with magenta radiance, blinding me and throwing me back with an unleashed wall of force. I feel enough of my body to know that I hit the ground but the sensation feels distant as if it's happening to someone else. All I can see is white for a while but slowly, the ground comes into vague focus in front of my face. I try to push myself onto my back with weak limbs but regret the action when I cough violently onto the ground, the taste of blood readily apparent on my tongue as a generous amount of the fluid splashes the earth. Every limb feels numb and unresponsive, lost in the sea of dull pain that threatens to swallow me.

Even with slightly blurred vision, I can see the bright light shining down on the landscape, illuminating the renewed flowers within my field of vision. The relief at having succeeded is quickly tempered by the knowledge that Doris is no longer here to help me and that if I didn't recover from my current problem, I would be trapped inside my mind. I assess my options as I try to move onto my back again but can't think of any easy paths out. Without magical power or allies and suffering from injuries inside and out, there didn't seem to be anything I could do.

Warmth creeps into my upper back and flows outwards into my limbs. My mind clears of the pain and I roll onto my back, my arms immediately moving in front of my view so I can witness what's happening. Tendrils of darkness squirm across my arms, closing the weeping wounds they touch while corrupting the undamaged scales until they're pitch black. I start to hear hearts beating in my ears and when I sit up and look around at the renewed landscape, the black tendrils are spreading outwards into the surroundings. I watch as the tendrils wilt what foliage is alive and snatch wildlife in their flight to be absorbed by their darkness, the renewed life force healing my injuries slightly. A voice is projected into my head, saying in a relieved tone, "Hurry home. Everyone is waiting."

"Yes, milady," I reply automatically as I rise to my feet and move towards the horizon, the slowly dying grove giving way to a wall of barren trees. The trees are grey as if they've been long dead but have enough winding branches to block out the light above. Part of me hesitates to cross the threshold into the dark unknown but I don't have to decide at all. The dark tentacles push me forward bodily, forcing me past the threshold and into the dead forest proper. When I turn back, the grove is being consumed by dead trees forcing their way out of the ground so that the abnormal area becomes one with the rest.

I turn back and walk onwards into the dead forest, letting the dark tendrils point the way home.


One moment, I'm walking through the dead forest following the dark tendrils. The next moment, I blink and find myself laying in a comfortable bed. My arms are over the sheets and my left arm is pierced at the elbow by a needle connected to a complex medical apparatus that gives off strange noises. Demiurge adjusts the odd device, draining the sack of liquid and reading the display before turning it off. I can barely feel anything besides the needle in my arm but slowly, sensations return and bring about a dull pain throughout my body. I groggily turn my head to the right and meet Shalltear's gaze as she leans forward in her elegant chair, her crimson eyes wet with fresh tears as she snaps at me angrily, "Don't...ever do that again. I don't care what you think you accomplished. Don't risk everything like that."

She jumps out of her chair and hugs me around the neck tightly, the force of her hug too much but manageable. I move my right arm around her back, wincing in pain as a dull ache starts to overshadow every feeling. She lets out the emotions she likely kept in check, her sobs unrestrained and soul-crushing to hear. I'm distracted slightly by the needle in my left arm being gently pulled out and when I look back over at the device, Demiurge is packing up his equipment with practised grace. He turns to me with a grave expression, explaining with firmness before he completes his work, "You almost went braindead from the blood loss and you refused to wake up despite my efforts. If you strain yourself like that again, it will certainly kill you beyond my means to heal. I can heal a wounded body but I can't heal a corpse without a soul. Remember that."

"Wait..." I croak in a weak voice, my left hand rising slowly so that I can pull something from my personal inventory. The emerald box that appears is barely formed and is distorted around the edges but I'm able to pull a brilliant data crystal from it. The crystal is as close to perfect as I've ever seen one, the outer shell unblemished and symmetrical while the inner crystal shines with brilliant motes of dancing emerald light. Demiurge gently takes it from my hand as I croak with a smile, "This is... everything... the ritual... the results... all the answers... we finally have them..."

Demiurge places the crystal into a blue box but shakes his head in disappointment, his grave expression unmoved as he says in a firm tone, "This obsession with the past must stop. I have indulged you for this long because this quest bore fruit but now, you risk too much for too little gains. Remember your family, your friends, and your future and stop pursuing what was. Take this advice, from your doctor and friend, that the past isn't worth dying for."

I nod as a feeling of emptiness takes hold as Demiurge finishes his preparation and begins to leave without further comment. I wanted so badly to know the details of my existence but now that I finally have the answers, the reward feels minor and inconsequential. Compared to what could have been lost, everything I gained feels like nothing more than a foolish comfort. I move my other arm around Shalltear as sadness starts to replace the emptiness, Demiurge whispering as he prepares to enter the gate he opened, "I'll take my leave. You two have much to talk about."

"I spent... days... weeks... just sitting here... trying to call you back... " Shalltear whispers and in reply, I arrange her so that she's lying in bed instead of laying at an awkward angle. It allows her to hug me tighter and I return her hug as best I can. My body feels incredibly frail and looking at my arms, the scales and flesh are gaunt as if I hadn't eaten properly for some time. I feel Shalltear tap my right shoulder lightly in agitation, her tap light enough not to cause me harm as she whispers, "Where did you go?... I couldn't find you no matter what I tried... it was like your mind was gone... I searched and searched but you weren't in there..."

"Doris imprisoned me... but I forced her out... and it cost me... " I croak, still surprised that I hadn't sprung back from my injuries. Whatever I had done to myself must've been critical if I ended up this badly injured. I blink a few times to try and summon my innate abilities, the information distorted and fuzzy but visible enough to tell me some details. The display confirms some of the damage I'm recovering from and the current data corruption to my soul. I reach my shaking left hand up to my head and pull the information out, placing it on our right so that Shalltear can see it. She takes one glance at the information and moves rapidly into a sitting position, her right hand moving the box over my chest so she can access my information. Her eyes dart through what she summons before her left-hand goes to her ear, her voice saying aloud, "Lord Ainz. Beric woke up and needs your assistance."

A gate opens immediately afterwards, Lord Ainz strolling in as Shalltear moves off of me to stand at the bedside out of his way. Lord Ainz pulls back his hood so he can look at me without his obstructive hood, his hands turning the information displayed towards him to read. He doesn't wait for permission, both of his hands moving over my chest as he says, "Maximize Magic. Reforge Soul."

I roar in agony from the rapid surge of magic dumped into my body from his fingertips, my limbs convulsing from the amount of power passing through me. I don't know how long I suffer under his care, my body going limp and my head flopping to the right onto the pillow once the flow of energy slows down. Lord Ainz brings a blue box over my chest, intoning to me as he reads and closes the box, "I have reformated your soul essence. Try not to break it again. Although I commend you for boldly pursuing the path of balance, I simultaneously advise you not to use spells that you don't have the magic power for. Demiurge is correct in saying that we can fix a broken body easily but not a fractured or missing soul."

"Yeah... I don't want to do that again..." I croak as I sit up slowly, my body feeling much better and my natural healing finally activating to assess the damage to my frame. Lord Ainz leaves immediately after his work is done, exiting as swiftly as he entered and leaving no trace of his passage. I sense another presence in the room and turn rapidly enough to take a fist to the face, my head snapping to the right but reorienting quickly. I catch a snapshot of Aura's furious expression as she starts throwing more punches at me but my training kicks in and I raise my forearms to block the worst of her assault. She isn't holding back anything and I feel lances of pain shoot up my arm as she shouts at me, "Don't ever make her cry like that again! You hear me!?"

"I get it! Enough!" I shout in reply as I catch both of her fists and hold them in place. I realize my mistake and watch as she rotates her body and delivers a solid kick to my forehead, the blow disorienting but my recovery quick in reply. She pulls her fists out of my grip and jumps away from me, landing on her feet as she shouts, "No! No, you don't get it! Do you know what you put us all through again!? We tried everything to fix you but it wasn't a bodily fix! Your mind was completely gone and we were this close to claiming you as dead! And this was not a recoverable death! If you had passed here, that would be it! Done! Finished! Over!"

Tears are falling down her face but she angrily wipes them away, her efforts in vain as more tears stream down to replace the ones missing. Letting out her emotions does nothing to cool her anger and she continues to shouts, "It's like you don't care! You don't care what it'll cost the rest of us to find your truths! Why don't you care about what you'll sacrifice!? Tell me!"

"It's my family curse..." I say with guilt, Aura growing furious for a moment and jumping onto the bed again to strike me. When I look down and offer her no resistance, she hesitates and finds herself unable to follow through with her attack. Her right fist moves as if trying to make herself hit me until she gives up and punches the bedding with an angry groan. I say slowly in reply to her fury, "Every Lowarm... my father... my mother... me... we all try to do the right thing... and push everyone away while doing it... I nearly fell into that curse as well..."

I try not to cry but just like Aura, my efforts are in vain as tears stream down my cheeks. I try to resist the feelings of dread and shame but they hit me harder then I've felt before, cutting through my futile attempts to keep my composure. I'm able to croak, "I wanted so badly to remember... that I forgot what was important..."

Someone touches my left arm, encouraging a multitude of flowers to grow on my scales. I look to the left slowly to see Mare sitting at the bed's edge, his expression concerned rather than angry. His hands mould the flowers into a proper arrangement of colours and types as he calmly says to us, "They're mad at you because they think you haven't learned anything and are repeating the same mistakes. They just want you to cherish the friendship and love that you receive. That's all."

"I... I promised that I... I wouldn't..." I try to say but Mare smiles and nods, his hands gently holding mine. He says to me in a calming voice, "You'll always find a way back because we'll be there to guide you home. Just make sure there's enough of you left for us to fix, okay?"

I don't deserve their forgiveness and receiving it brings me to further tears.