The chapter before the last! Next one is going to be extra long and extra special and will come right before Christmas. This one is shorter than usual but that's because it was one long 24K words chapter that I had to split and turn into two so I wouldn't make you wait too long. Also, I felt like splitting it there felt natural and good. Please review if you can. I love to read your feedback.

Trigger Warning: Physical and domestic abuse


In the bleak winter morning, Stacy listened to the soft cries coming from the next room with powerlessness and lack of motivation to start the day. The cries had been a constant sad song playing in the house for the past three days and no matter how hard she tried to stop them, they always came back after an hour or two.

She rubbed her tired eyes and yawned. She checked her phone for messages and found tons she didn't feel like responding to. Three from Sonia checking. Two from Emy informing her she's coming over. And, of course, tons from Sara and Tegan asking her about Sally's state. She huffed and pressed on Tegan's number. She didn't feel like reading.

"Morning," she said lazily.

"It's like six in the evening here," Tegan said.

"Yeah, yeah." She put her feet down on the floor and pushed her hair back. "I didn't read your messages or Sara's." She called Tegan because it was Tegan Sally was crying because of.

"Oh," Tegan said. Sara was seated beside her with her laptop in front of her, probably working on another paper to publish. "Umm…we were just checking."

"Do you wanna hear her crying?"

"You know you can just say she's still upset." Tegan sighed. "You don't have to say…"

"Tegan, what do you want me to do? I made sure she read all the letters and now look what happened. She hasn't stopped crying since she read the last one."

A moment of silence encircled the room. Stacy didn't hear the cries or Tegan's voice for a little bit until a sound so soft came from the speakers of the phone. A sniffle. A shy, an awkward, and an embarrassed sniffle. Tegan hated crying in front of her and she knew it but there she was crying. "I don't know what to do," Tegan said. "I…"

"I think you should call her," Stacy finally said. "Sonia and I both think you should call her and talk. Not just text her. Actually call and listen to her and explain why the last few letters were written by Sara and why you didn't narrate them."

"But…I wasn't even aware," Tegan answered defensively. "I don't even remember half of the things I have done or said. How can I narrate something I don't remember?"

"Explain it again and again and again and try." Stacy stood up and walked to the door. "The same way you tried with Sara, try with Sally." She opened the door and walked inside the corridor towards Sally's room.

"Okay. Yeah." She heard another sniffle. "Should I do it now?"

"Umm…In a bit. I'll text you," she whispered with her ears against Sally's bedroom door.

"Yes, but don't text after three your time. It would be after midnight here. Sara and I sleep early."

"I know," Stacy whispered. "Now I have to go."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye."

She hung up and took a deep breath before knocking. "Sally," she called. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," she heard faintly.

She opened the door slightly and found her daughter, as she still liked to believe, lying on the mattress, staring ahead at the foggy window. At least the blinds were open and the room wasn't as dark as the day before. The snow covered the whole street ahead. Stacy sighed and sat next to the young woman.

"Still upset?" Stupid question, thought Stacy. Of course. Her eyes looked terrifying with redness and swell. "I mean…"

"You know what's worse than feeling like absolute shit because of something you can't really control?"

"What is it?" Stacy asked with trepidation, taking a look at the red face and greasy brown hair lying on the white pillow.

"Waking up in the middle of the night with the worst cramps only to find the whole mattress full of blood and after washing and changing everything, you discover there aren't any tampons so you have to improvise and use towels like the middle ages. And on top of being sad, you just feel extra sad because you did not only ruin your mother's sheets but her towels, too." The last sentence was cried with tears and sobs. Stacy wanted to laugh a little bit but instead took a hold of Sally's upper body and squeezed her in a warm embrace. "And then there are people like mummy crying over not getting periods anymore. I still don't get why we have them. I don't even want kids."

"Shhh." Stacy rubbed Sally's right arm. "It's okay. Just calm down."

"I'm so sorry about the mess you're gonna find in the bathroom." Sally cried some more.

"It's fine. It's fine. I nursed Sara for more than two years and had to deal with that each month because she would just not tell me when she bled through her clothes." Sally remembered. They both suffered with Sara being the most stubborn patient. She refused to receive help when she knew too well she needed it. Eventually, Sara gave up and let Stacy take care of her, but she was still rather awkward around Sally doing that.

"Mum is so shy," Sally mumbled. "I feel so shitty."

"I'll tell Emy to get tampons on her way here. Stay in bed. I'll get you your breakfast here."

Sally groaned, covering her face. "Not Emy coming with her kids, please."

Stacy laughed as she got up. She knew how Sally hated being around Emy's boys, but she loved being around kids. It made her feel good. Sometimes Emy took advantage of that and made her babysit for hours which was very tiring, but, overall, she was thankful.

They were never close. She and Emy had their differences. However, in the past two years many things changed. Taking care of paralyzed Sara made everyone become close to one another. It was team work. It required them to be civil and patient and realize they were all humans with their mistakes, their errors, their sins, their affections, and their abilities to love and hate and need and feel hopeless and powerless. Even Tegan and Stacy became close. Stacy never imagined they would ever talk on the phone so casually. Stacy never imagined Tegan would seek her help or treat her like a human being but time proved everyone wrong. Time changed and shaped and altered and two years fixed mistakes they hadn't admitted for sixteen years. Everyone was at peace. Everyone finally surrendered.

Except Sally. She's still in shock. She's still hurt. She's still in so much pain. Only Sara expected the trauma Sally would be in discovering the truth because only Sara understood a person so much like her, a person she had raised and brought up.

"They're here for my cake not for you. I'll distract them. You sulk in bed and I'll be outside with Emy." Sally rolled her eyes at her mother and pushed her face against the pillow.

Stacy had left the door ajar, so when Emy came she heard the loud noises around from downstairs. She definitely had her kids with her. Sally huffed in irritation.

"Hey, Sally," Emy screamed, "I got you tampons. I'll get them up to you." Sally groaned in bed again, pulling the whole duvet over her head. She was not in the mood for happy people to be around. The day before she had an hour call from Sonia and the day before that Jeremy called and Stacy lectured and she knew too well why Emy was there. Another lecture. Another talk. Those were making her feel worse and worse and worse. She just wanted to stay in bed and think.

In an instant the duvet was lifted with Emy's wide blue eyes staring down at her. Her hair was tied in a bun and her face was clear of any makeup. "There you go. Change the nasty towels." A box of tampons fell on her face, making her groan in protest. "Get up."

Sally looked around at the two identical-looking boys standing next to their mother in utter haze. Her mother was also there. Everyone stared at her. "Can this get more embarrassing?" she mumbled, getting up slowly.

"Why embarrassing?" Emy said. "You sucked at my tits when you were a baby. I'm technically your fourth mother." She thought she was funny. She thought she was going to make everyone laugh. Stacy's eyes widened with a disturbed expression and Sally grimaced.

"Please don't say it like that ever again," Sally said, getting up. "It's called breastfeeding."

"Yeah, yeah…I breastfed you."

"Who didn't?" Sally said with a chuckle, reaching for the tampons. "You, Tegan, mum…"

"Not me," Stacy interrupted.

"Good," Sally whispered and left the room.

"Come on, boys, let's get you some cake. I made you a really delicious cake."

The boys shouted and screamed and hurried down the stairs behind Stacy.

"Boys, behave or I'll tell Sally," Emy threatened. "Remember that she's a doctor and you know what she might do." Her boys immediately sat on the couch, giggling stealthily. They hated going to the pediatrician so Emy always took the chance to threaten with Sally, especially that Sally was able to scare them with her med school equipment, making them believe she is actually a doctor when she still had years to officially become one.

Sally went down in her pink robe and her messy braided hair. She waited for the coffee machine to prepare her coffee and watched Emy struggle feeding the boys her cake.

"Where is Sam?" she asked.

"He stayed home. He's becoming awkward around a lot of girls. I don't know why. We talked to his school counselor about it."

Sally poured herself some coffee and listened to Stacy give Emy suggestions about how to deal with her kid. She loved taking care of kids so much it hurt.

"Damn, look at that scowl," Emy pointed out. She looked up to find her standing next to her. Stacy took her place feeding the twins. "It's like I'm seeing college Tegan." Sally wrinkled her nose. "Your mother is seriously gorgeous. Was very hot in college."

"I saw pictures," Sally said. "Still don't get the bangs."

"Nobody does," Emy remarked. "But she was overall hot. Everyone wanted to sleep with her. She had those t…" Sally glared and Stacy did so, too. "Fine, I'll shut up." A pause and an exchanged look with Stacy, Sally watched it while rolling her eyes. "Can we talk outside?" Sally nodded. "Come on." Sally left the kitchen side-eying her mother.

Emy pulled Sally to the living room where they took a seat beside each other on the couch. Taking a long look at Sally's puffy red eyes, the older woman was reminded of the buried thoughts she had not let anybody see through. If her daughter were alive she would be the same age as Sally. She would be bonding with her the way she occasionally bonded with Sally. She had wanted to have a little girl before having the twins. That's why they tried again. Vivian wasn't so happy about trying for a second child because the first one and their cat were enough responsibility but Emy wanted to try. She was surely scared about the result. What if the child was disabled like Pearl? What if she had more and worse complications? Fortunately, nothing like that had happened, but she ended up with twin boys. She was thankful but would always wonder what it felt like to have a daughter and have her so close to her as Sally was to Sara. Part of her felt jealous because her older boy was not so close to her. She thought it was because she wasn't his birth mother even though those were her eggs so technically she really was his biological one, but she didn't have that bond she had had with Pearl. When she had the twins, Sam was suddenly so jealous and so close to her all of a sudden. When she breastfed, he sat next to her and asked her many questions about life and parents and families. She educated with delight until he dozed off before her two boys did. She also noticed her younger boys were quite attached to her. They always followed her around the house and when she was not there, they followed Vivian. They were also so close to one another but very, very, very loud and noisy.

"Are you gonna talk or you're just gonna look at me like a creep?" Emy snapped out of her thoughts making Sally crack a little smile. "Wow."

"You're beautiful, you know," Emy commented, sipping her own coffee.

"Thanks. Not into dating my mum's married ex."

"Shut up, child." Emy cackled and Sally snorted in return. "There you go. That's the smile I want to see. I don't want to see those teary eyes." But tears soon returned to Sally's eyes and the redness covered her face immediately. "No, no, no." Emy put her mug on the coffee table and took the young woman in a hug. "Shhh."

"I just feel so…" Sally cried and hiccupped.

"Feel whatever you have to feel but don't take it out on yourself."

They let go and Sally nodded with a deep breath. "When I read that letter…all those memories just resurfaced. I just…I saw mum lying there all bloody and paralyzed and then the time at the hospital and after and…ugh you remember how fucked up that time was." She began to hiccup. "It all just came back to me and I hadn't realized I had it all pushed back inside my head until I read the last letter and I just can't…I can't even tolerate the pain she had gone through because of Tegan."

"Look, I know, I truly know and understand." Emy held her face in both hands. "I've felt that pain and I've dealt with it more than once, Sally. You know the first time it happened? I had warned Sara about it a week before because I could sense it. It was way worse. Trust me. I know the second time made her end up in a wheel chair but that was because of the bike accident."

"B…" Sally opened her mouth to speak but was shushed immediately.

"I'm not excusing Tegan," Emy interrupted. "Definitely not. You know we don't even talk."

"Because Aunt Vivian doesn't let you talk to her." Emy sighed. "Well, she's right."

"But I also know the mental torment Tegan was going through." Sally rolled her eyes. "Nobody gets it because we're not her. I mean…" Emy sighed. "To just…do something and wake up the next day without the memory of it happening…this is serious shit."

"That's why I can't trust it won't happen again." Emy nodded because Sally was absolutely right. "She's dangerous and she's mean and she's…just…"

"She worked so hard…she sought serious and professional help, Sally." Sally shook her head. "And Sara loves and wants her in her life. You really can't interfere."

"Well, mum loves getting hurt. We all know that." Emy looked down, nodding. "It's incest," Sally whispered. "It's wrong and it's…"

"You're not going to change anything, Sally," Emy said, putting her hand around the warm mug. "They love each other. They have always loved each other. You're not going to change anything. They're going to be together whether you accept them or not so the decision is yours at the end whether you want them in your life or not. Other than that you're not going to change a thing."

Sally put her head back and resumed crying. She closed her eyes and cried until it was too pointless and too exhausting and the kids were too noisy around her so she took herself upstairs leaving Stacy more defeated than ever and Emy unable to do anything more.

Half an hour later, a knock reverberated through Sally's door. The nineteen-year-old gave permission for the older woman to enter. Stacy held her phone, covering the speakers with her hand. "Umm, Tegan wants to talk to you."

Sally was in bed, face half buried in her pillow with eyes barely open. "Tegan?" Stacy nodded. She sat up right away, reaching for her phone under the pillow. "She didn't call."

"Umm…it's here. She called my phone."

"Wh…why?" Sally furrowed her brows, still staring at her mother's cell phone. "Is everything okay with mummy?"

"Yes, yes." Stacy sighed. "Just talk to her." Sally nodded, taking the phone from the older woman's hand. "I'll be outside."

Sally sighed upon figuring out why she was talking to Tegan. "Hello?" she greeted gruffly.

"Hi, Sally," Tegan said with hesitance clouding her raspy octave. "How are you?" Sally chuckled. "I…I am sorry."

"Are you serious?"

Silence.

"What do you want, Tegan?" Tegan didn't know. What did she want? Stacy told her to talk to her daughter but she didn't know what to say. It was hard. What would she say?

"I honestly…"

"Did mama make you call to lecture me, too?" No answer came from the telephone. She heard Tegan's soft breaths but nothing else. "She fucking did, didn't she?" Sally cursed under her breath. "Cause talking to grandma, Jeremy, and Emy wasn't enough."

"She…made you talk to them?" Sally sighed and Tegan was confounded by the fact Stacy was trying to help her and her lover. Everyone around them did except their own daughter. "She didn't make me talk to you…I mean…I keep checking on you and she told me that you're still very upset after reading the last letter."

"That's right."

"And so she told me to explain myself to you and discuss why you're upset if I want you to come here and be with us." Sally snickered. "Or at least with Sara. I can, umm, leave…if you want. It's just…" She heard her mother's voice. She heard the 'No, you're not doing that' from afar. Sally shook her head as a tear fell past her tired lids. "Let me change the room. Sara's eavesdropping." Tegan laughed a little but Sally didn't even crack a smile. "Okay. I'm in the bedroom."

"I don't think I can look at you and just…"

"You have the right to," Tegan interrupted.

"I don't know how mum does it. I don't know how she sleeps with you on the same bed and lives with you so fearlessly when at any moment you can just lose control and abuse her again."

"Uh…I…" Tegan didn't know what she would say to that. It was the truth, Sally thought. They had to live with that possibility that Tegan might lose it one day. "I can promise you I have changed over and over but I don't think you'll ever believe me."

"But you promised after your first time. You kept promising over the years," Sally argued. Her fingers played with a loose thread from the duvet. Her forehead was hot and sweaty and her cramps were increasing. She closed her eyes and sucked in the wave of pain that hit her then opened them again hearing soft sniffles from her biological mother. "I don't get why you're crying…honestly. You know it's true."

"No, it isn't," Tegan said through tears. "It really isn't."

"You, yourself said I should never trust an abusive person or be with one at all, Tegan."

"I know that. And you shouldn't."

"And?"

She put her head back on the pillow and waited. She heard shuffling and sniffling and a soft wheezing sound. "I don't ever want you to be with someone like me but I am not like that anymore. That's what I can tell you. I, myself, don't understand what happened to me back then. I don't even remember it, Sally."

"How the fuck do you not?" Sally exclaimed loudly. "Like how?"

"One day I was having the worst pain in my life with you sleeping over and the next I was in the hospital and after that all I remember is…being in the room with Stacy trying to sober me up after I…"

"You spent half a year not sober?"

"No, no…I was sober. I just…my depression was so fucked up that I was not in control. I remember things of course. I just don't have a clear memory. I also don't remember that time…that time…you know…that."

"Yes, I know." Sally rolled her eyes.

"That's why I didn't write about it. I remember scenes, though. I remember the blood, the shouts, the pain I've felt. I remember not being able to actually just control myself, the hatred I felt towards Stacy and the jealousy and I feel so disgusted. It hurts me to remember this. It really does."

"It hurts more living with it and around it," Sally said. "It hurt badly watching my mother trying to hide it because of how in love she was with you. And it really did hurt me watching you just…slip out of my life like that because I knew you were my mother. I had always known but I never wanted to talk about it. I dropped hints but was too scared to ask."

"I was told how you knew," Tegan whispered.

"It doesn't change the fact that I consider Sara and Stacy as my actual parents, Tegan. It won't ever change it."

"I understand this now, Sally," Tegan said. "I've always understood this except then. I felt defeated, small, lonely. I wanted to feel whole. I wanted to experience the feelings she felt. I felt so jealous of her and of Stacy."

"Nothing you ever say justifies anything," Sally said.

"No. Nothing does." Both sighed and a moment of silence took over. "The whole time I spent in the facility, they reprogrammed my mind and I had to go over traumatic events that had happened in my childhood to understand why my behavior was like that. I can't really blame my abuse on that, but, honestly, Sally, my repressed past traumas did affect it a lot. I know I haven't talked about them so much in the letters but I know you have an idea about the sexual and physical abuse I had to deal with. I also had to deal with detachment issues and…"

"God, I know," Sally interjected furiously. "I know all of this. Tegan, I understand that you've been through shit. I fucking get it. I just can't trust you're not going to do this again. I can't unsee the view. I can't." She was still seeing a therapist. She was still trying to understand. When she went back to her university, she knew she would need more therapy after all this.

"I don't know what to tell you, Sally. I can only ask for forgiveness. I am not even asking for a second chance. I am just asking for you not to treat me like a monster because I am not. I love your mother and you and…" More cries came, louder ones. "I really am just trying to be good and live the life I've wanted with Sara. I just want her to be happy and I want you to be happy. The life I have imagined has you in it. I just want you in it."

"Tell me what happened after that day," Sally said after an interval of silence. "From that day till the time you guys reconnected and eloped. You don't remember the time before but you probably remember the time after."

"Really?" Tegan asked with trembling lips. "You really wanna listen to me?"

"Yeah," Sally said, hissing as another wave of pain hit her lower abdomen. "I know mum narrated everything that happened with me and her and how hard it was seeing her just broken and helpless and miserable."

"Yes," Tegan said. "She did. We wrote letters to one another when I was in Calgary."

"Yeah?" Sally did not know about this. "You did?"

"Yes…we were going to write all that in the letters but…we thought that we should tell it in person."

"Then tell me. Tell me about your journey so I can tell you exactly how I felt seeing her cry in bed because she wanted to go to the bathroom and simply couldn't because she needed help and she was so sick of getting help."

"I know I can say I am sorry but it won't change a thing and that's why I'm living my life paying the price." Sally didn't understand what that meant. It seemed that Tegan took the easy way out and escaped with her lover to a better place and a better beginning. "She wants me to be in peace with it. She wants me to accept what happened because she believes in fate but, just like you, I really can't put the blame on anyone but me."

"I know the bike accident is the problem, Tegan," Sally remarked. "Like I get this. I also know she was already having issues and she didn't talk about them. I lived with her in the same house. I could sense it when she bent down and groaned in pain. She's stubborn; I know that. But I just can't imagine that a push from you just made her paralyzed."

"She's not fully paralyzed," Tegan commented.

"She's paralyzed," Sally emphasized. "Partially or fully…she's still in a wheel chair."

"Umm…she can move her feet now…pull them a little bit up but uh…"

"What?" Sally screamed.

"Yeah…yeah. We've discovered that recently." It was during sex when Sara pulled her feet up a little bit the moment she came. They didn't notice it at first until Sara rested her feet back on the mattress causing Tegan to notice she was able to move them. They tried again and though the movement was barely notable and took some effort, it was movement nonetheless. "We're waiting till after Christmas break to consult her physiotherapist."

"That's, umm, good I guess." She smiled to herself only because she imagined there will be hope for her mother to start walking again like she once did. She wanted to see her walk. She wanted to see her healthy. Her tears fell as she imagined it and wished inside her chest it would happen.

"So, umm, you wanna listen to me talk about…umm, everything?"

"Yes, please," she said, wiping her nose. She closed her eyes for a second and put the phone down next to her, putting it on speakers.

"It might take a lot of time," Tegan warned. Her voice became a little bit far. She, too, put the phone on speaker and adjusted herself on the mattress.

"I have nothing to do. I'm in my bed with heavy flow and too much pain to even think of getting out of bed."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Tegan grinned though. She was happy her daughter talked to her normally. She was happy she was giving her a chance. "You still get those terrible periods every once in awhile?"

"Yeah," Sally said.

"I had that issue. Not every time. Just every once in awhile."

"I know," Sally said with a chuckle. "I remember when we used to complain about it together to mummy." A soft giggle came out of Tegan's mouth. "I miss those times, too," Sally admitted. "Us together in mum's bed. I miss them, too, Tegan."

"We can still have that over Christmas," Tegan said. "I'll tell you everything you want to know. You deserve to know everything."

"Yes," Sally said. "I'll listen and try my best to understand you but I don't promise."

"It's fine, honey." Honey…it felt strange and not in a good way. "I just want to tell you everything you want to know. Whatever you want to know."

Sally looked frozen. An image so familiar yet so far from memory. Stacy focused on the sharp features and pale countenance remembering the times her…daughter sat rigidly without a word or motion. When she and Sara broke up, Sally usually froze while seated in a chair and locked her emotions. She would look straight ahead and not speak to anyone for hours. When her mothers attempted talking to her, she answered mechanically and robotically like a machine void of emotions.

"Sally," Stacy whispered with a hand on the teenager's knee, "look at me." Sally didn't. She stared at the blue walls ahead with tears running down her face instead. "Your mum's fine, baby." Sally didn't move. "She's going to be fine. She's conscious. Thank God she's conscious."

Then why was she moved to the surgery room? Why the ICU? Why did the doctors investigate and ask and interrogate about the abuse? She wondered if they accused her or Stacy.

The tears were being wiped by a warm finger. She sucked in her breath so she wouldn't let another sob out.

"Fuck my life," Emy said, sitting down again next to them, holding her large belly and spreading her legs. She looked so huge and so exhausted. "If I get up to pee one more time I swear I am making them deliver these babies now." She and Stacy exchanged quick knowing glances. "She's going to be alright," Emy said. "And hopefully this is the last time she deals with that cunt."

"Emy," Stacy whispered, shaking her head.

Emy sighed. "Sally, if you have questions please ask us."

"I don't," Sally finally answered. "I just want my mother to be alright." She sucked in her breath.

"Sally, can we at least ask you?" Stacy asked and Sally shook her head. "We're just worried."

"I don't want to talk, mama," Sally mumbled. "Please."

Sally had known something was going to happen. She could feel it in her mother's nerves that morning. She insisted Stacy would go back half way through the ride because she knew something was going to happen. Stacy told her to call to make sure. When she did, Sara didn't pick up. They drove back all the way home. There was the bloody scenery on the floor. Sally closed her eyes to block the images. Why did Tegan do that? God, why? A loud sob escaped her lips despite her attempts to lock them in. Her body was immediately taken in a tight embrace by her mother and she cried too loudly that the nurses gathered around them to assure her that her mother was going to be alright.

However, an hour later they were informed the surgery had failed and Sara was not going to be able to walk again unless physiotherapy somehow worked but it was unlikely. That made everyone cry…Emy, Stacy, and, surely, Sally.

Sara looked not only broken in her hospital bed but void of any sign of life though she was awake with cuts on her lips and a bruised face. Her right arm was broken and her left shoulder was dislocated. Her neck was covered with red marks, her chest was black and blue…and she was paralyzed. The doctors didn't give her space. Her daughter watched as she was being investigated, refusing to file a complaint against the person who had done that to her.

Everyone in the hospital knew it was domestic abuse and both Stacy and Emy were interrogated and asked. Sally was talked to as well. She wanted to tell them. She wanted to talk to them about everything. She wanted Tegan punished. She only cried instead because she had seen how her mother didn't out Tegan. Not even Stacy did. Emy almost did it but Sara begged her with her eyes.

Stacy was the one who stayed in contact with the doctors and specialists regarding her mother. Sally knew everyone suspected Stacy the most but she made sure to tell them it was not her when it was her turn to be talked to. Sara needed therapy and special care. Sally needed therapy too, she heard the consultant speak to her other mother about it, giving her cards and numbers and suggestions to overcome the trauma.

She stared at her mother for too long. Sara stared back at her. Both didn't say anything and both didn't make any move.

"Where did she go?" Emy whispered to Stacy. "Where do you think she is right now?"

"I don't know," Stacy whispered back. Sally heard them. "I told her if she didn't leave I'd call the police and now…"

"She doesn't usually self harm but she could be doing something stupid," remarked Emy. She looked back at Sally's frigid posture and lowered her voice even more into Stacy's ears. "No matter what you do, don't tell Jessica and Joy. They wouldn't let it pass this time and things might get ugly." Stacy thought they should. Sara looked lifeless…a zombie…a ghost.

"I'm worried about her," Stacy finally said motioning at Sally. Emy looked back at her again, their eyes met and Emy smiled apologetically. Stacy almost cried but she didn't want to do it in front of Sara. It was too much for everyone.

"Sally," Emy said softly, "come here, honey." Sally got up from the chair next to her mother's bed and moved to the couch that the two women were sitting on. "Aren't you hungry?" Sally shook her head. "Baby, you need to eat."

Stacy brushed her hair and gave her shoulder a squeeze. "You're staying with your mum tonight, right?" Sally nodded. "I will get you some clothes. I'm staying too, honey." Sally nodded again. "But I just need you to eat something." Sally shook her head.

"Sally, eat," Sara said groggily. She cleared her throat when the three women looked at her. "Eat, baby, I am fine." Her breaths were heavy and ragged.

"I'll take her to the cafeteria," Emy said. "Let's go, Snowball. My babies are hungry, too."

Sally looked at her mother for a long time as if waiting for permission when she had already been given it. "I'm right here," Stacy finally said. "I won't leave until you get back."

"You need to eat, too," Sara said, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I just want to sleep." And cry and be with herself and close her eyes and cry and cry and cry. She didn't want to look strong and she had to do that in front of Sally.

They left but Stacy didn't leave with them. She had to know where Tegan was. She called her in the car but nobody picked up.

She parked in front of the dimly-lit house and took a deep breath, reaching for the cognac in her bag to take a long chug. Tegan couldn't hurt her, she thought. She was physically stronger and so hated by Tegan that the latter wouldn't even touch her because she simply didn't care about her. Tegan hurt those she loved only.

She attempted opening the front door but it was locked. The garage door was closed. She looked inside the front window but could only see darkness. She knocked and rang the bell but nobody opened. Tegan could be getting wasted at a bar or having sex with someone like she used to do when Sara began dating her. Sara had told her about Tegan's ways of self-harm. She began looking underneath the plants near the door for an extra key. Nothing. Underneath the mat…nothing. She walked to the backyard where the kitchen's door was also closed and the sounds of crickets were loud.

"Fuck," she mumbled to herself. She turned around and looked at the swing set. She walked to it and sat there, taking a hold of her phone. Should she tell Sonia? When she looked up she saw a silhouette of something on the far corner of the garden. A shadow so dark it couldn't be recognized. "Shit." She hated raccoons. She switched on the flashlight in her phone and aimed it at the figure, screaming when it appeared to her that the body belonged to the woman she was searching for.

She hurried to the corner, waking up the unconscious form, checking for pulse and breathing. Heartbeat was normal, the face was scratched. Those were Sara's nails trying to save herself. The hands were still bruised and spots of blood covered the faint blue shirt. She recognized the huge bottle of whiskey lying next to the woman. She sighed and shook the sleeping figure as roughly as she could, hearing groans and moans and nonsense.

"Wake up," she said gruffly. "Wake up."

"I killed Sara," Tegan answered. "All of her. I killed her because I am…" She was asleep again. Stacy shook her body one more time and looked inside her pockets for the keys. "Please just let me die here," Tegan begged all of a sudden. Stacy found the key and looked at her. "I just want to die here. Alone. I am worthless."

"You're not the victim. Stop pitying yourself." Stacy got up and walked to the kitchen's door to unlock it. "Get up."

Tegan couldn't move. Her head was spinning. Her body was on lead. Every bone hurt. Her heart was broken. There she was once again staring at the mess she had made. How? Why? How could she? Was she even awake? Why? Why? Why?

Stacy picked her up, dragging her body inside then leaving her on the floor once again to switch the light on inside the house. She felt the movement and the shuffling and cried silently. Sara…she killed Sara. She felt sick.

"If you're gonna be sick, go to the bathroom," Stacy said.

It was too late. She hurled on the floor.

"Fuck," screamed the other woman. "I'm not cleaning your mess."

"Get the fuck out of my house. Why are you here?" Tegan said, throwing up some more after. She puked and cried. "I'm a fucking disease."

A glass of water was left on the floor next to her. Stacy's dark Oxfords were all that she could see. She looked up slowly meeting the angry blue eyes with redness surrounding them. "Sara's paralyzed," Stacy said. "She can't move anymore." Tegan furrowed her brows. "You did this, yes."

She cried. She sobbed. She wept.

She cried for too long but Stacy wasn't leaving. She was mocking her. She was gloating. She was the triumphant. Sara was never going to be with her. Sally was never going to love her. She lost everyone in a blink of an eye because she didn't have the brain that people had.

People were blessed with mental health and she was forever cursed, unable to live her life normally without being scared she would hurt someone, without having people scared of her, and ending up hurting everyone around. She didn't deserve to live.

She felt sick again and the kitchen was silent. She didn't know if Stacy had left or not. She crawled out of the kitchen until she reached the nearest bathroom, emptying out all the contents of her stomach in the toilet then sitting down against it.

She sat there staring at the white light. She thought of Sara and of Sally. She thought of their destiny. She thought about the good times. She thought about the happy days. She thought about the smiles she was never going to see again. She didn't even have it in her to try again. She had done it once and twice and three times and Sara was paralyzed. Why couldn't she stop? Why did she do that? Why did she want to hurt Sara so badly? Wasn't everything enough? So what Sara cheated? She wasn't being the best girlfriend ever. They didn't even have a proper relationship. It was all a mistake. Mistake birthed another and another and another. Everything that was related to her was a mistake. Even her body mocked her. It gave her a child that wasn't hers then sought revenge and decided to give up on her. Her brain hated her, too.

How could Sara trust her if she promised she would be better? Why would she even promise? She was never going to be better. It was a done deal. She wasn't supposed to live. She wasn't supposed to be there. She wasn't supposed to…

A hand touched her shaking one. She squinted at the figure in front of her. Everything was blurry. "Get up," Stacy whispered. She pulled her up, but she couldn't. Why was she still there? "Get up," Stacy repeated, pulling her more until she was up on her feet with a spinning room meeting her eyes.

She was guided towards the couch in the living room. She closed her eyes and cried more. "I just called Sonia to inform her," Stacy said. Tegan nodded. "She'll probably be here tomorrow. There must be a mentally healthy person around you right now." Tegan closed her eyes again and blocked the sounds. "Don't attempt to call Sara or be near her. She might file a restraining order against you once she's fully conscious. Stay away from Sally for now. If she ever wants to see you, she'll contact you. You don't want this to get uglier than it already is. It could move to court because this is domestic violence that almost killed your sister." She couldn't block the words. They were too harsh and too real. She just cried so hard. "And don't attempt doing anything, Tegan. I've hid every sharp object and medication in this house."

"I want you to fuck off," Tegan said. "I don't want to see your face ever again. I just want…" She hiccupped.

"I'm going to help you to bed where you'll lie down there and sleep. If you want to go to the bathroom, do it now."

"Fuck off," Tegan mumbled while crying. "Just fuck off." Stacy was already dragging her towards the stairs. "I could kill you like I killed her and…"

"And what? Go to jail? Ruin your whole life? Your daughter's life? Really?"

"It's already ruined."

"You did it to yourself," Stacy said, pushing the weaker woman to her bed with a loud sigh. She knelt down helping her take her shoes off. "You hurt yourself and others around you." She began taking Tegan's shirt off while the other woman just cried.

"Why did she cheat on me with you?" Tegan questioned through tears. "You…" She inspected, looked, wondered. "You don't even have breasts," she finally said when her eyes were focused on the other woman's chest. "Nothing appealing."

"She didn't cheat," Stacy said, pulling Tegan's legs up on the mattress. "She was just running away. She was scared you'd take Sally from her." She pulled the covers over Tegan's body and sighed. "And she was right."

"Sally is mine not yours or hers."

"First of all, Sally's her own person. She's not anyone's. Second of all, the void you feel isn't because Sally doesn't call you mum and calls me that. You really just cover up old wounds with other excuses. It's way bigger than this. You just generally do not feel enough because in order to do that, you think you have to possess and when you felt Sara slipping away, you decided to deprive her of the child she worked so hard to raise."

"Sara always slipped away. I was never enough for her." Stacy switched the light off and opened the lamp. "Everybody loved her. Every single person and she loved them."

"You were always more than enough for her but you always hurt her so much that she never felt safe. She never felt comfortable that you weren't going to hurt her because you never really got better."

"I'll never get better." Tegan closed her eyes but her tears remained to fall. "I'll never fix this. I don't think I can. I lose everything."

"You might never fix it with her and Sally," confirmed Stacy, "but," she continued with a sigh, "you should fix it for yourself because living like this isn't living. You know you have a problem so don't victimize yourself."

No answer. Stacy thought Tegan slept but tears just slid down her eyes.

"I called my friend while you were having your pity party on the kitchen floor." Stacy grabbed a pen from her bag and a napkin from Tegan's bedside table. "This woman can help you. She runs the Domestic Partner Violence Intervention program and she can spare you a spot in the facility. This is a program that can help you. It is not a joke. It's an actual long program that if I were you I'd take seriously." Stacy put the napkin on the nightstand and put the pen on it so it wouldn't fly. Tegan opened her eyes in slits and looked beside her. "I'll tell Sonia about it, too. Try to help yourself for the sake of yourself."

"Why are you helping me?" Tegan asked with a dry throat.

Stacy had already begun to walk out, but she turned around and sighed. "I'm not trying to help you. I'm just doing what should be done. That's what I do to people. That's my job. It's up to you whether you want to help yourself or not. It's all up to you at the end so think about it."

Silence fell between them. Tegan closed her eyes again and tried to cancel the day that had happened. She knew Stacy was right but she wasn't sure she could ever change or be helped. What she had done was a disaster.

"How long?" Stacy eventually asked. When no answer came, she repeated, "How long have you not been taking your medication?"

"Since after the surgery," Tegan answered.

"So more than six months?" She nodded. "You saw a therapist?" Tegan nodded again.

"I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression. The pills she gave me made me numb and they didn't work with my HRT. I had to stop them, too. I stopped every medicine…even my HRT. I just didn't feel…like I was worthy." Stacy nodded. "I don't know why I do that. I don't know why I act like that. It has been happening since…" She took a deep breath. "Since ever…since college. Maybe before but I wasn't aware of it. When things get too much, it happens…and then I black out and get so angry and…I lose it. I lose control."

"You almost killed her," whispered Stacy.

"I don't know why…"

"Stop justifying," Stacy interrupted. "You need help. Serious help. Sleep for now and think about the intervention program."