Authors Note: Hey guys! Happy New Year! Let's hope for bigger and better things in 2021. Thank you all for your support, as usual it means the world. If you could leave me a review that would be great- they really help motivate me to keep writing! This one is a bit of an emotional rollercoaster lol, but I loved writing this! Time for 10000 words of teenage angst and deep chats. I always knew Sirius and Mara's 'chat' would be emotional ha. Also, Happy 80 Chapters! Jesus that's a lot lol. I hope you enjoy it and hopefully my next upload will be sometime next week! Thank you all and Enjoy!
Chapter 80- Forgiveness is a Three-Step Thing
"You're sure that's what it said, Harry?"
"Positive."
"You definitely didn't miss a bit? Forget to write it down or something."
Harry groaned loudly. "No."
"Well it isn't much to go on." Hermione sighed. "Pass me the piece of parchment again."
Harry pushed the crumbled piece of parchment towards Hermione, his own messy handwriting visible as she scooped it up and studied it hard for what must have been the hundredth time that evening.
Come seek us where our voices sound
We cannot sing above the ground
And while you're searching ponder this
We've taken what you'll sorely miss
An hour long you'll have to look
And to recover what we took
But past an hour, the prospects black
Too late, it's gone, it won't come back
They were in the library and had been since the end of their last class that day, but they had yet to have a single breakthrough. It had been the same routine every night for nearly three weeks, ever since Harry had first discovered the clue hidden in the golden egg. Cedric had been right, of course. The egg had sung him his clue from the moment he placed it in the water. The song had been calming at first, almost bringing him a sense of peace, but as the weeks had gone by and after multiple late night trips to the prefects bathroom just to be sure he had heard it correctly, the song now gave him a headache and made his insides squirm.
He had written down what it had said, sharing it with Ron, Hermione and Mara, who had been with him in the library every single night as they tried to decipher what it had meant. Ron and Hermione were still not on the best of terms following the ball, but they seemed to be putting their differences aside to help Harry. Mara meanwhile had read more books on magical underwater creatures than the rest of them combined, but still nothing had come up that would even be remotely useful.
Hermione stared at the parchment, mouthing the written words as her eyes darted about the page. She sighed again, this time running her hands through her frizzy hair.
"Right, the first part is pretty straightforward." She slammed the parchment back onto the table. "Come seek us where our voices sound, we cannot sing above the ground… So definitely something to do with underwater… and more than likely, probably the lake."
Ron groaned loudly. He had been lying with his head on an open book for the last half hour. "Wow, glad we've figured that out. Not like we worked that out three weeks ago or anything."
Hermione shot him a nasty look. "Well maybe if you woke up, you could contribute a little more."
Ron snorted. "I don't need to be awake to contribute. It's not like we've found anything even remotely helpful- and it's been weeks."
"Yes, Ron, we're all quite aware of how time works." Hermione hissed at him. "Just go back to Gryffindor Tower if you're going to be so bloody useless."
Ron's head shot up, ready to bite back at her, but Mara slammed her hand down on the table. It caused a few students to turn around and glare at them, but Mara looked far too annoyed to care. They were in the corner furthest away from anyone else, yet still Harry saw people crank their necks to see what was going on.
"Why don't you both shut up." Mara said, taking the parchment off Hermione roughly and looking at it herself. "So definitely underwater, we know that much. And the second part is pretty obvious, too. You have to find something."
Harry nodded. "Something that I'll 'sorely miss', to be precise."
"And of course," Mara continued, "the bit about having an hour to look is also pretty straightforward."
Harry leant back in his chair, sighing deeply. Because the horrible truth was that although the clue was simple enough, they still hadn't discovered a way for him to get around it. He had an hour to find something important to him, something that would be hidden somewhere under the lake. He just didn't know how he was meant to stay under there for a whole hour.
"I will admit, that part is potentially problematic." Hermione said, slamming a book closed and opening another.
Harry's head shot round to look at her. He frowned. "Potentially problematic?! When's the last time you went on an underwater adventure for an hour, Hermione?!"
Hermione seemed taken aback by his harsh tone, a brief glint of hurt flashing in her eyes, but she spoke calmy. "We'll find something Harry. We have time."
"Hermione, we've been through every single book we can think of!" Harry said.
Hermione shook her head. "No, we haven't! There's still the restricted section."
"Oh yeah, not like its restricted or anything." Ron said, rolling his eyes.
"I swear to god, Ron, I will hex you over this desk…" Mara murmured.
"I don't think you'll be alone in the lake, Harry." Hermione said, ignoring both Ron and Mara who were staring at each other darkly over the table.
"Well, no… I didn't expect so." Harry said, sitting up straight. "What's in the lake anyway? Apart from that giant squid thing."
Harry reached towards the large pile of books they had gathered many hours previously and sorted through them until he found 'Hogwarts: A History'. He must have read it about ten times over the last few weeks, hoping it would tell him any information about the lake. He flicked open the book and stared down at the pages, scanning them for even the smallest piece of something.
"There's bound to be merpeople down there." Mara said.
"Merpeople?" Ron echoed.
Mara nodded. She spun the large leather-bound book she was reading around so that it was facing the others. Harry glanced at it, and there he saw a drawing of a horrific looking creature. They definitely didn't look like the mermaid on the window in the prefect's bathroom. They had grey skin accompanied with yellow eyes and bright green hair. Their teeth were broken yet still appeared sharp. Harry shuddered.
"Does it say anything about them?" He asked.
Mara scanned the page. "Just that they aren't very welcoming."
"Anything in there about becoming one?" Harry said grimly. He had meant it sarcastically, but of course Hermione shot him a warning look.
"Just kidding, 'Mione." He said, holding his hands up, but Ron had sat up straight, his eyes gleaming.
"Harry- that's it!" He said excitedly.
Harry looked at both Hermione and Mara, who looked so defeated as she buried her head in her hands, her dark curls falling all over the open book.
"He's not going to become a mermaid, Ron." Mara said, the tiredness in her voice making her sound as if she were already half asleep.
"Jesus Christ, I didn't mean that!" Ron frowned. "But you could become something."
Harry looked at his friend, hoping that at any moment some sense could be made out of what he was saying. He was too exhausted for guessing games.
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, you could… become an Animagus." Ron said in nothing more than a whisper, but still loud enough so they all heard him.
Hermione let out a shrill noise. "What?!"
Mara, to Harry's surprise, had started to smile. "You can't be serious."
"It could work! Hear me out!" Ron sat forward, bringing his head closer to them all. "Harry becomes an Animagus. Hopefully it's an underwater animal so he can you know, actually breathe. Gets whatever it is he needs to find, and bam, he's done."
"Ron, as much as I appreciate the idea, that'll never work." Harry said, fighting the urge to start laughing right in his friend's face.
"Why?"
"Because you idiot, it takes years to become an Animagus. Didn't you listen to what McGonagall said in Transfiguration?" Mara said.
Hermione nodded. "She's right. And you have to register it with the ministry."
"And that whole plan is relying on the slightest chance that Harry becomes an aquatic creature." Mara said, reaching for another book. "Imagine he goes through all that and ends up being a spider or something."
"Not to mention the advanced magic that it involves." Hermione said.
"Can't be that advanced! Sirius managed to do it when he was at school." Ron pointed out.
"Yes, but Sirius is… well Sirius. Once he gets an idea in his head there is no stopping him." Harry said, crossing his arms.
"Well if he can do it, you can too! He could show you how it's done, help you along with it." Ron said, suddenly excited again.
Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah I can just imagine that conversation. 'Hey Sirius, thinking of becoming an Animagus fancy helping me along'."
Mara snorted, looking over her book. "Thing is, he'd probably say yes to that."
Harry smirked slightly. Mara had yet to speak properly with Sirius, despite promising Harry weeks beforehand that she would. She still never went near Sirius's quarters while he was there, sleeping in her own dormitory even on their designated weekends. They were civil to each other in class, Sirius taking the roll as normal or complimenting her work whenever he gave it back. But it was teacher talk, not uncle guardian talk. And quite frankly, it was annoying Harry more and more with every passing day.
"How the hell do you become an Animagus anyway." Ron said, laying his head back down on the book.
"Amazing. You suggested it and yet you don't even know what it entails." Hermione said.
"What is this, pick on Ron night or something?" Ron snapped in her direction, but he was sure to also catch Mara's eye. She frowned. "Have you ever asked Sirius about it before, Harry?" Ron continued.
Harry shook his head. "Not really. I just always knew he was one… never really felt the need to ask."
"Oh, I would." Hermione said. "It would be fascinating to hear about."
"So, when you were a kid there was just this massive fuck off dog running about? And you never asked Sirius about how he actually did it?" Ron asked, his mouth hanging open for a moment.
"Pretty much." Harry shrugged. "I just always knew he was one and had been since his school days."
"Wish my dad turned into something cool." Ron huffed. "All I get is him being obsessed with muggle plugs and stitches."
"Switches." Hermione corrected. Ron rolled his eyes.
"My dad turned into a stag." Harry said casually. He just assumed he had at some point in the past, mentioned this to Ron or Hermione. But going by the sudden look of shock on their faces, he guessed he was wrong.
"What?! You've never mentioned that!" Ron yelped, causing a few heads to turn back to them. "Did Sirius and your dad just run a bloody illegal animagi club while they were here?!"
"To be fair, I only found that out last year. After I cast the Patronus and it ended up being a stag." Harry said, remembering the fond conversation he had had with his godfather while he was in hiding in the Room of Requirement. It felt like a lifetime ago now.
"They must have had a death wish. Imagine if McGonagall had found out." Ron shuddered at the thought.
"They did it to be with Remus." Harry said, his voice lowering. "He used to cut himself up pretty bad during the full moons. Them being there as animals meant they were safe but could also keep Remus safe. It was a win win, really."
"How do you know that?" Ron asked.
"Just one of those things I've always known. Well, I only knew about Sirius. They never told me about dad being there with them."
"That was a really lovely thing for them to do." Hermione said, an obvious shift in her voice from before.
They sat in silence for a while, all of them searching and scanning through books for anything they could use. Hermione was becoming more and more intense, her whole demeanour seeming to change the further into the books she got. Ron was lying over his, his head pointed down at the page, but Harry could hear the steady pattern of his breathing and the odd quiet snore. Mara was searching just as intensely as Hermione, her eyebrows furrowed together in concentration.
Eventually, they had to admit defeat and exit the library. It was near curfew, and Harry had the most horrendous headache. They had all skipped dinner, much to Ron's annoyance, and now his stomach was rumbling wildly. He even debated risking a quick trip to the kitchens for something to eat.
They put back the books that they weren't taking with them, Hermione's bag already so full that she had no choice but to carry the rest. Ron also had a few slumped under his arm, while Mara had charmed hers to levitate behind her. Madam Pince gave them all a dirty look as they passed her desk and made their way out of the library. There were a few students still there, mostly all NEWT and OWL age.
The corridors seemed quieter than usual, with none of them speaking until they reached the staircase where Ron and Hermione went in the opposite direction towards Gryffindor Tower. Harry and Mara walked together in companionable silence, their footsteps echoing. Harry wanted to ask her about Cedric- in fact, he had wanted to for a while now, but had refrained himself every time he was alone with Mara.
"So- er-… you heard from Cedric?" Harry asked as they made their way along the fourth-floor corridor.
Mara didn't look at him. "No."
She didn't sound annoyed exactly, but there was definitely a hard edge to her tone.
"I thought he would have said something to you. You know, about the second task." Harry said.
"I told you, we never really spoke about the Tournament." She paused for a moment. "It was nice, actually. To hear about other stuff."
"What did you talk about?" Harry heard himself ask the question before he had even thought it through. Shit… he thought to himself, this wasn't going to be good.
Mara shrugged. "He talks about home a lot. His mum sounds lovely. She's always sending him little things in the post. His dad- well we met him, at the world cup. He can be a bit much, he likes to push him. But I don't think Cedric minds. He says it's nice to have someone who wants you to be more. Personally, I think it's a crock of shit, but I would never say that to him. Imagine basically telling your son he isn't good enough."
Harry was suddenly grateful for what he had. Sirius would never expect him to be more than he was. He had always been enough, and his godfather had been sure to tell him that. Maybe it was different with parents? It seemed a bit… ignorant to Harry, but what did he know. He was just intrigued by what Mara was telling him.
"What else do you talk about?" Harry asked, fearing that Mara would snap at him for being nosey at any moment.
"Different things." Mara replied calmly, much to Harry's pleasant surprise. "Sometimes we'd talk about school, like OWLs and stuff. Other times we talked about after Hogwarts."
"After?" Harry asked.
Mara looked at him then. "Yeah. Like what we want to be when we leave here. I know it's a long way off for us, but I like talking about it. Makes me think that there's more to life than this, you know."
Harry was taken aback. "We've never even talked about that."
Mara smiled fondly. "No. We haven't."
Harry didn't know what to say. After Hogwarts seemed like such a long way away, and it was… but it also wasn't. They were in fourth year now, OWLs were next year, and then only two years left. Harry felt his stomach swirl. He didn't want to think about it. Especially not with everything that had happened already that year.
"Harry… you remember the day in the prefect's bathroom… you said you think somethings coming. Did you mean that?"
Mara's voice seemed smaller than usual, and she had gone back to staring down at the floor. A tension suddenly emerged between them, making Harry's chest tighten ever so slightly.
"Yeah." He said. "I can't explain it. I just feel like… like I know... somethings going to happen."
Mara nodded. "I feel like that too, sometimes. It's like a wave of just nothing except dread and misery and at the same time… it's more than that, isn't it?"
"Yeah." Harry didn't know what else to say. She had described the feeling in his chest perfectly.
"Cedric doesn't want to get me in trouble with Sirius." Mara said quickly, but almost too quickly. It was obvious to Harry she just wanted to change the topic, and anything was better than talking about that feeling. "He's been keeping his distance."
"Sirius will come 'round." Harry said. "But you need to let him do it in his own time. He's just too damn stubborn for his own good sometimes. But eventually he'll see. He'll see that Diggory makes you happy."
Mara smirked lightly, a glint of fondness in her dark eyes. "I think hell will freeze over first."
"Stanger things have been known to happen." Harry said. "And hey, in a few weeks he'll be too distracted with the second task to even think twice about you and your boyfriend."
God, the words still sounded strange in Harry's mouth, but he pushed on through with it. Seeing Mara smile would always be worth it. She had one of those grins that could light up any room and change any mood- it was almost infectious. She got that from Sirius.
"I think we both know the only thing on Sirius's mind right now. He's worried about Pettigrew." Mara said stiffly. "Not that I blame him for that."
"I wouldn't say worried. Murderous seems more accurate."
"Agreed." She paused. "And what about you, Harry? How do you feel about all this Pettigrew shit?"
Harry shrugged. "We always suspected he was here. It is what it is."
Mara looked unconvinced. "He betrayed your parents. I wouldn't blame you if you felt… weird."
Harry shifted uncomfortably, feeling a sudden pit growing in his stomach. "I know what he did."
Silence overwhelmed them for a long moment, the bluntness of Harry's tone seeming to linger in the air for an uncomfortable amount of time.
"I just don't want to talk about it, ok." Harry murmured, and Mara nodded to show she understood.
She didn't question him anymore after that.
"Come on. Let's stop off in the kitchens and get something to eat. I'm bloody starving." Mara said.
Harry grinned. "It's like you read my mind."
Three days later...
Mara pushed the door open slowly, her eyes quickly scanning the room for any sign of her uncle before entering.
It was coming up to the end of lunch. She had Arithmancy next, and she couldn't show up for the third week in a row without her textbook. She knew exactly where it was, but she was far too proud to admit defeat and surrender in this 'silent treatment' war she was still having with Sirius. The last thing she wanted was to walk right into him and be forced into having a conversation she just wasn't ready to have.
Thankfully, there was no sign of Sirius, the room completely empty except from Squibble the cat who was lounged out on the couch. Mara crossed the room, smiling down fondly as the cat continued to purr loudly. She gave her a quick scratch behind the ears before making her way to her bedroom.
Her bedroom was exactly how she had left it the morning after the yule ball, her dress still draped over the chair of her desk. It looked a lot less extravagant than Mara remembered, but pretty much any good memories she had of that night had been tainted by her row with Sirius. Her bed was still unmade, clothes and shoes lay sprawled out everywhere, and her pile of books had made its way to every possible corner of her room. She blamed that on the aggressive sorting she had done on that morning, deciding what to take to her dormitory with her so she wouldn't have to go back to Sirius's quarters and face him.
Of course, this wasn't the first time she had been forced to sneak in here for a forgotten item. She was amazed that she had never been caught, or perhaps she had, and Sirius was still too pissed off with her to mention it. She doubted that Sirius didn't have the place warded with all kinds of intrusion spells- it just didn't seem very him. Either way, it suited both of them for Mara to simply get what she needed and leave again.
She began to sort through the books, searching for the large leather bound purple one that she needed. Of course, it had been the last in the pile, but she smiled triumphantly when she lifted it into her hand, nonetheless. She opened her bag that was still strung over her shoulder and shoved it in amongst her other things. She quickly looked around her room as she made for the door, wondering if there was anything else, she may need. She didn't really want to have to sneak in here anymore, it was truly exhausting to try and work out where Sirius was. She had asked Harry for the map, but he had told her to keep her promise to him and speak with Sirius.
At that moment, Mara heard the faint roar of the fireplace in the living room. She froze. It had been going so well, but now all hell was about to break loose.
"Hey, Squibble."
Mara frowned. She recognised the voice, but it wasn't Sirius. She slowly crept into the hallway, hiding in the shadows as her eyes scanned for the intruder. She spotted him straight away, bent in front of the couch stroking Squibble gently.
"Remus." Mara said, walking out into the open of the living room.
Remus's head snapped up, his mouth forming a grin. He looked utterly exhausted, even more so than usual. His face was almost dangerously pale, under his eyes a dark shade of purple.
'Mara." He said. "You scared me there. I didn't think anyone was here."
"Sorry. I was just getting a book for Arithmancy."
Remus stood up, and immediately Mara saw the pain glinting in his eyes as he winced. He had tried to hide it, quickly playing it off by smiling over at her. He was holding a stack of papers, the parchment all crumpled and stained. They were old. He caught her looking and held them up in explanation.
"Sirius asked me to bring him this." He said, walking around the couch. He was wincing again.
Normally Mara would be intrigued by whatever information was contained on these papers, but she found herself watching Remus instead. Something was wrong.
"Are you ok?" She asked.
Remus smiled weakly at her. "Of course."
Mara wanted to roll her eyes. What was it with adults and not wanting to admit when they were hurt? "You're in pain." She said.
"No more than usual." Remus said. "I'll be fine."
It was then Mara noticed the dampness on his sleeve, small dots of red seeping through the grey of his robes. She knew it was blood. He was hurt. Mara crossed the room in a few strides, dumping her bag down on the couch as she did. Squibble hissed in her direction, but she ignored it. She grabbed Remus by the arm and pulled up his sleeve.
There was a nasty gash going from his forearm all the way up, the blood running down his skin and staining it red. It looked inflamed, possibly even infected. But it wasn't long before Remus snatched his arm away, yanking down his sleeve.
"It's just a scratch. Looks worse than it is." He said, but there was a sudden shift in his tone.
"You need to clean it." Mara said crossing her arms. "Come on, we'll go down to Madam Pomfrey. She can fix it no problem."
Remus turned away from her. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm perfectly fine."
The eye roll came then, she couldn't help it. "Really? Is that why you look like death."
"Thanks very much. Right little charmer, you are."
"Right well if you won't go to the hospital wing at least let me fix it up." Mara said.
Remus turned back to look at her and frowned deeply. "Leave it, Mara. I'm fine."
Mara closed the space between them. He was a great deal taller than she was, but it didn't stop her sticking her chin up at him. "You either let me help you, or I'll go get Sirius. And we all know he'll be a lot more dramatic about it than me."
This seemed to have worked, for Remus quirked an eyebrow at her. "Do you even know how to heal cuts? You're in fourth year."
"Bits and pieces. I'm pretty sure I can handle that. Besides, we have some murtlap essence in the bathroom. That'll do most of the job." Mara said.
Remus put his hands through his hair. "I really am fine- "
"Ok, what is it with adults saying they're fine when they're clearly not. You don't have to be such martyrs all the time, Jesus Christ." Mara snapped.
"Fine." Remus said through almost gritted teeth. He was also visibly sweating now, too. "If I let you do this, you have to agree to not tell Sirius."
Mara mimed locking her lips shut and throwing away the key. Remus smiled down at her fondly, and she grabbed his arm and yanked him towards the bathroom. Once inside, she instructed him to sit on the edge of the bath while she perched herself onto the closed toilet. She grabbed the murtlap essence from the cabinet, and gently pulled up Remus's sleeve. In the distance, the sound of the school bell rung out, signalling the end of lunch.
"You're going to miss your class." Remus said.
Mara shrugged. "I'll be alright. If anyone asks, I'll just say it was a matter of life and death."
Remus chuckled. Mara began cleaning the blood off his arm with a cloth, filling the sink with water with a simple flick of her wand. Remus was watching her very closely; she could feel his gaze on her. But she worked on his arm efficiently.
Of course, there was a question she was dying to ask. She could feel it burning within her.
"What happened?" She said. She hoped he didn't mind.
"Oh- er-… it was a full moon last night." Remus said, his voice nothing more than a whisper. Mara looked up from his arm and met his eye. She didn't know how he did this every month.
"Does this always happen?" She pressed on. "I mean do you always get hurt like this?"
Of course, Mara had witnessed Remus both before and after a full moon, but he had never appeared to be overly injured. Or if he was, he hid it really well. She supposed it was a very Remus thing to do. He never complained, always simply got on with it and just accepted how things were. Mara didn't know how he did that. She was sure she would never have that capability.
"Not always. Just depends. Sometimes the wolf isn't so… frustrated? Other times it is, and this is the result. I usually sort myself out. I'm an expert in healing this kind of stuff by now. But this morning… felt different. I don't know." Remus sighed.
Mara nodded, and decided there and then not to ask him anything more about the night before. But she knew she had just unboxed a newfound respect for Remus. He was braver than she had ever realised.
"We were talking about it the other day." Mara said while Remus looked horrified for a fraction of a second. "Nothing bad. Harry was talking about how Sirius and James became animagi just to be with you on a full moon."
Remus tensed immediately, but still strained a smile. "They did." He paused, as if to reminisce, but took a deep breath. "I asked them not to, at first… back when they first pitched me their idea. But of course, they didn't listen to me. Went ahead with it anyway. Didn't tell me anything about it either so I couldn't stop them."
"Weren't you glad? It meant you didn't have to be alone." Mara said, wringing out the blood covered cloth in the sink.
"I was terrified. We didn't even know if it would work- they based the whole thing on something they'd read in a book about werewolves not attacking animals. I could have killed them. Not that they cared, the idiots." Remus said. Sadness had crept onto his face now.
"But it worked?"
"Oh, it worked alright." Remus beamed for a moment; the sadness replaced with hope. "I didn't attack them, and they stopped me from attacking myself. Madam Pomfrey didn't understand what I was suddenly not covered in nasty scratches all the time."
"Sounds like you had yourself a pack." Mara joked.
Remus chuckled once more. "I think that's why the wolf loved having them there. I don't know what I ever did to deserve friends like that. They sacrificed everything for me." Remus winced slightly as Mara began applying the murtlap essence to his cut.
"That's what friends do." Mara said gently. "I'd do it, if it were Harry. Or Ron or Hermione. If it meant they wouldn't get hurt, it would be more than worth the risk."
"I know you would." Remus said fondly. "You're very like Sirius in that aspect."
Mara snorted, and immediately wished she hadn't. But it was too late, Remus had noticed, and was now watching her with a curious glint in his eyes.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing." Mara said rather too quickly.
"Now who's being a martyr?" Remus said. There was definitely a hint of smugness in his voice.
Mara sighed, cornered by her own words. "We had an argument."
"That much I gathered." Remus nodded. "What did he do?"
"He told me I'm not allowed to see Cedric anymore." Mara said.
"Ah."
"And he lied to me about Esme."
"Ah." Remus was avoiding her eyes now.
"I'm guessing you knew, too." Mara said.
"Yeah, I did."
Mara nodded before sighing deeply. "I get why he lied. I do, I understand that he wanted to protect me. But surely there's some things that you just don't lie about?"
"I agree." Remus said.
"I don't understand him sometimes. I try my best to, but it's like trying to decipher some sort of code." Mara said. She was finished applying the murtlap essence and had lifted out her wand now.
"I get that." Remus agreed. "Sirius can be very… confusing, to say the least. But his heart is always in the right place."
"He said some really horrible things to me." Mara sighed. "I expected the thing with Cedric. I knew it was only a matter of time before he kicked off again about that. But the other stuff… I promised Harry I'd make things right with him. But I'm scared that if I do, I'll just be doing it to keep Harry happy, and not because I mean it. And you should mean those things, shouldn't you?"
Remus was looking at her very closely. He laid his hand from his uninjured arm on top of hers and squeezed it gently. It gave her immediate reassurance. Maybe she wasn't overthinking it after all.
"Am I being unreasonable?" she asked him.
Remus looked down. "I'm guessing, and you don't have to tell me what, that horrible things were said on both sides?"
Mara nodded glumly. "I didn't mean to. I was so angry, it all just slipped out. I didn't mean a word of it."
"That's the problem with saying things in anger." Remus said gently. "But I don't doubt that Sirius regrets what he said, too. He's always been like that. Temper and meaningless insults first, followed by eventual rationality and guilt."
"What if we can't get passed this, Remus?" Mara bowed her head.
They sat in silence for a moment, but then Remus broke it. "You know, when we were in our fifth year at Hogwarts, Sirius did something that I never thought I'd be able to forgive."
Mara burrowed her eyebrows together. "What did he do?"
"What he did isn't the point. I'll tell you about it… someday. The point is, he broke boundaries that I never thought he would. He betrayed me in a way I knew I could never excuse. I trusted very few people back then, very rarely let anyone see what I was really like. Sirius knew this, but it didn't stop him doing what he did."
Although Remus was talking about something that had taken place many years ago, Mara could see the brief moments of hurt still present on his face. What could Sirius have possibly done to inflict this level of betrayal? She wondered if Harry knew.
Remus sighed. "I didn't talk to him for months after it. I couldn't bring myself to even face him, not when I knew what he had done to me. I felt as if someone had clawed my chest out it hurt that much. I was angry, not just at him, but at myself for ever trusting him in the first place. It stayed like that for a long time."
"But you forgave him?" Mara asked.
"I did." Remus said firmly.
"How?"
"It took a lot. He apologised so many times that I simply stopped listening. But one day it dawned on me. Sirius made a mistake. A horrible and dangerous mistake, there's no denying that even now, but in the end it all came down to the fact that Sirius had done a stupid thing. And I continued to punish him for it long after, not realising that he had been punished enough already by himself. And James, of course. He never let him forget how lucky he was that I ever spoke to him again." Remus smiled fondly. "I realised something then. Forgiving someone isn't always as simple as we want to believe it is. It can be a lot deeper than that. But I learnt then that forgiveness is a three-step thing. You have to forgive them; they have to forgive you… and then you have to forgive yourself. We all say and do stupid things, Mara. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last time on either of your parts."
Mara nodded to show she had understood. "He's just so infuriating sometimes. I get he wants to protect us. But it can be so…suffocating. I just don't understand why he has to be so excessive sometimes."
"Sirius wasn't always allowed to be excessive." Remus said. "Then he broke free and could be anything he wanted to be. Then he lost himself again. You have to understand, Mara. Sirius has been through more tragedies in his life than most."
"Help me to understand then. Please." Mara grabbed his hand this time, her eyes pleading.
Remus nodded. "Sirius had everything he ever wanted at one point. Once he broke away from his family… that's when he started to truly become himself. He had always been cocky and unbearably obnoxious, but he made that his own. People loved him for it- loved him in spite of it. But it wasn't until after we left school that he really began to allow himself to be who he had always been. He started letting us actually tell him how much he meant to us and how much we all meant to him in return. He never did that before, not even with James. James and Sirius… they had a connection to each other that I cannot even begin to describe. James had the ability to bring out the very best in Sirius without even trying. After Hogwarts, it was like our lives were finally ours. And yeah, there was a war going on, people were dying, but Sirius had a way of making that fear and anger and desperation disappear. And I think that came from James."
Remus stopped for a moment, but Mara nodded for him to continue. "When James died, a part of Sirius died with him. Arguably, it was the best part. The part that laughed too loud and loved too deeply. It was all gone in an instant. But Harry brought it back. Slowly, of course… and not entirely. I don't think that version of Sirius can ever exist again in a world without James in it. But I think having Harry there with him…" He sighed, his voice trailing off for a moment. "James died to protect Harry. And I think protecting what James had died for awoke something in Sirius. Not because he saw Harry as a replacement of James, but because he is a living reminder of what his best friend sacrificed himself for. It gave him the will to carry on. And then, you came into his life, and that just added to his determination to protect what the people he loved had died for."
Remus squeezed Mara's hand once more. "Sirius is stubborn. He always has been. He can be downright insufferable sometimes. But he protects what he cares about, and when he allows himself to care, he cares too deeply. That's just him now. And I'd rather him be like that than the ghost I saw all those years ago when he lost them. There are worse things in life than having someone care about you too much. And I won't lie to you, it'll be downright infuriating sometimes. But it's because he loves you. Hopefully one day, you can understand that."
Mara nodded once more, a gentle smile creeping onto her face. She understood now, she knew why. And that was all she had needed.
"Thank you, Remus. I think I know what I have to do now."
Remus smiled weakly at her. "Forgive and forget, Mara."
Mama lifted her wand and began hovering it over Remus's arm. The cut was already looking better from the murtlap essence, the skin around it appearing less harsh and red. She began to mutter the incantation quietly, praying that it would work. It wasn't long however before the skin began to close itself over, leaving only a fine red line where the wound had been. Mara smiled to herself, hoping she didn't appear too smug.
"It worked." She said.
When she looked back at Remus, his face was beaming with pride.
There were many things that Sirius was expecting upon his return to his quarters that evening.
He was expecting the large pile of NEWT essays he had to mark to be left untouched on his desk. He expected a large glass of firewhiskey to be in his hand within thirty seconds of arriving there. And lastly, he expected to spend his evening in his usual spot in front of the fire thinking about the various ways everything had gone to shit in the last few weeks.
Dumbledore was a liar and had tried to deprive him of justice, Pettigrew was stalking his godson every day while the teachers pretended not to notice so they could monitor what he was doing, and Mara was still not even acknowledging his existence. If he added all that to his lack of sleep and how behind he was in marking essays like a proper professor should be doing, he was sure his head was bound to explode any day now.
But what he had not been expecting when he arrived back at his quarters was to find Mara waiting for him there.
He had opened the door with a lot more force than what was needed (he was shocked it didn't bang off the wall) and had immediately crossed the room to his desk where he threw down the untidy pile of homework he had to grade at some point. There were already a few other piles there- some second year essays on the International Warlock Convention of 1289 as well as homework on the Goblin Rebellions that had been done by the fourth years. He sighed deeply, rubbing his hands through his hair. It was times like this that he hated being a teacher.
"Um… hi."
The voice had startled him at first, causing him to spin round so fast that he lost his footing for a split second. His eyes scanned the room, half covered in shadows while the other half glowed from the orange light of the fire. He spotted her right way, sitting on the couch with her arms wrapped around her small frame. Sirius simply stared back at her. It had been weeks since they'd had a conversation outside of "good work, Miss Black, could expand on that point a bit more". It killed him inside that he had been her professor rather than her uncle for so long.
"I was hoping we could talk?"
She said this as you would ask a question, and it suddenly dawned on Sirius that she was asking permission to speak with him. He tried to ignore the knots in his stomach this thought had created. Had he really made her feel so terrible she had to ask to speak to him? Sirius nodded quickly.
"Course." He said, taking himself over to the cabinet where he kept the firewhiskey. He knew he would definitely be needing it for this particular conversation. He summoned himself a glass and poured it carefully, aware of Mara's glare that was burning into his back. He brought the bottle with him when he made his way to the couch.
Mara was watching him carefully, her dark eyes enlightened by the warm flickers from the fire. She didn't speak for a moment. Sirius knew exactly what she was doing. She was analysing his mood before she spoke, obviously trying to decide how to go about saying what needed to be said. Sirius couldn't take the intense staring anymore.
"Professor Vector spoke to me at dinner." Sirius said. He tried to make his tone as gentle as he could. He wanted her to know that she could talk to him, that he wasn't some unreasonable raging lunatic. "She said you were missing from Arithmancy after lunch."
Mara looked away for a moment, as if trying to gather herself, but when she looked back, she had a fierce determined glint in her eyes. She nodded.
"And McGonagall mentioned you didn't make an appearance in Transfiguration afterwards either." Sirius said. He sighed. Time to be that parent again, a voice in his head said. It sounded an awful lot like Molly Weasley, but he decided to ignore that factor for now. "Look, I get things have been tense lately, but you can't be skipping class, especially without talking to me first. I know there's a lot going on this year and school seems like the least of our problems, but you have your OWLs next year and- "
Mara had stood up, causing Sirius to stop talking. She began to pace in front of the fireplace, her long hair flying out behind her as she seemed to be preparing herself. Sirius frowned, but let her continue without another word. The skipping class lecture could wait.
It was a few minutes before Mara finally stopped, turning towards him. She looked him dead in the eye and folded her arms.
"Ok." She said. "I'm going to speak now."
"Ok."
"And I want you to sit there and listen."
"Ok."
She blinked at him. "And I want you to shut up until I've finished."
Sirius narrowed his eyes at her, but she did not break his gaze for even a millisecond. He nodded.
Mara took a deep breath. "What you said the night of the ball- you were out of line."
Sirius sat forward, his comeback already on his lips when Mara held up a hand.
"You said you would let me speak. So, shut up and let me, otherwise I'll never get this out."
Sirius paused, but slowly nodded and sat back on the couch. He wasn't known for his ability to hold his tongue; in fact, it was quite the opposite. But Mara had come to him wanting to talk and wanting to put things right. Sirius knew deep down that it should have been him to fix this. He felt it claw at his chest again. That feeling.
"You were out of line." Mara repeated. "The things you said, they were horrible. And how you spoke about Cedric and me… and what you said about being glad that you aren't my dad…"
Her face crumbled, and Sirius wanted nothing more than to reach forward and hold her close to him. But he stayed put.
Mara took a deep breath. "I can live with what you said about Cedric. I knew that was coming from the moment I told you about me and him. I always expected you to blow up and suddenly change your mind about allowing me to be with him. And Cedric knows what you're like, too, so it's not like he was overly shocked either." She paused. "I didn't want to like Cedric. At the beginning he annoyed the shit out of me, he was constantly on my case and trying to get me to laugh and smile and my god, I just wanted to punch him and tell him to fuck off but no matter how cold I was towards him he always treated me the same and he was kind to me when no one else was and he saw past my name…"
Sirius leant forward, suddenly feeling very warm. He knew the fire had nothing to do with it. It was taking every ounce of self-control for him not to speak, to get his opinions out there in the open too. But he could see on Mara's face how much this was taking for her, as well as how important it was. So, he continued to listen, nothing more.
"Cedric is good." Mara said. "He's funny and kind and always happy and yes, cocky and obnoxious sometimes but it's just who he is. He annoys the shit out of me a lot of the time… but he also makes me really happy, too. And I understand why you're concerned, I don't even blame you with how much everyone in this castle is obsessed with snogging and everything at the minute, but I'm telling you that I am not like that. Having a boyfriend doesn't make me like that."
Mara crossed the room, taking a seat on the coffee table so she was merely a foot away from Sirius. She looked tired, he noticed, but now was probably not the best time to bring it up. She looked down at her hands for a moment.
"I love that you want to protect me, Sirius." She said, her voice in merely a whisper but still loud enough so Sirius could hear. "I love having someone who genuinely cares so much about me that they would do something so excessive like ban a relationship in a heartbeat if it meant me being safe."
She smirked at him then, and he couldn't help but weakly smile back at her.
"But you can't protect us from everything." She whispered.
The clawing at his chest was back again. He looked away from her, at anything but her face.
"But I think you know that already, don't you?" She said. Sirius felt her hand on his arm, forcing him to look back in her direction. He didn't say or do anything, he just glared at his niece so intensely that he was worried his head would explode.
"You already know that there's going to be things that you can't protect me and Harry from. You've always known." She said.
"Stop."
But she shook her head. "That's why you protect us from the things you can keep us safe from. No matter how small they are, no matter how insignificant… even something as stupid as a boyfriend or a shitty potions teacher being a moron again. Those are things you can control, so you do. And I don't blame you for that."
"Mara- "
"I'm not finished. I don't blame you for wanting to protect me in any way you can. But Sirius, it's suffocating. Surely the point of keeping us safe is so we can live our lives."
"Of course it is, that's what it's always been about." Sirius said, taking her hand. "But- "
"But what's the point in keeping us safe to then not allow us to live our lives? Sirius, we have to be allowed to make our own choices sometimes. And yeah, there will be times when we mess up or things don't go right, but doesn't everyone go through that? Doesn't everyone fuck up once in a while?"
That's an understatement, Sirius thought to himself. He'd made more mistakes in his youth than most. And then, as he got older, he began making different kinds of mistakes. Mistakes that cost his friends their lives.
"I understand, you know." Mara said. Squibble the cat had appeared in the room and had hopped onto the table next to her, swishing her long black tail to try and get Mara's attention. "I get why you are the way you are. The truth is, Sirius, you have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met. Which, by the way, isn't as much of a compliment as you might think, I was basically a recluse until I was eleven."
Sirius laughed lightly at this, but inside his stomach was swirling and his chest was tight. She was right, of course she was. Mara may not have grown up around many people, but she knew how to read them better than most. She picked up on the little things, the small moments that may have gone unnoticed to the vast majority of people. But not to her.
She smiled at him, but there was a deep sadness in her eyes now. "I mean it. And I know that you've lost somany people… But I understand now."
James, Lily, Regulus, Marlene, Fleamont, Euphemia, Dorcas, Gideon, Fabian…
The names rhymed off in his head, one by one. That hadn't happened since the years after the war, when Harry had been a small child who was curious about every little thing. The list of the lost had rattled Sirius's brain every night before he slept and every morning when he had woken up. All of them had been people he tried desperately to protect. And he had let every single one of them down. They were dead because he had failed.
Remus, Dumbledore and eventually Harry himself had told him it wasn't his fault countless times. But Sirius knew better. If he hadn't of let James and Lily trust Peter to be the secret keeper, they would still be alive. If he had of protected Regulus from being twisted by his parents, he would never have joined Voldemort. If he had went to see Marlene when she had asked him, she and her entire family would still be alive. If he had of taken on more in the early days of the war, perhaps Fleamont and Euphemia Potter wouldn't have gotten so ill. If he'd have been more observant, something he'd always prized himself on, maybe he would have noticed the five Death Eaters that attacked and killed Gideon and Fabian Prewett. And Dorcas… well they had all failed her.
These were his inner demons, the things he no longer allowed himself to think about. The stories that only Remus remembered, the names that had never been spoken again except in his head, with the exception of James, Lily and Reg. The guilt that he had hidden from Harry as best he could, the shame that he had not protected those he loved most. He would have given his life for every single one of them.
James and Lily had allowed him to be the best version of himself. Remus had reminded him every time he could that he was worth everything in their eyes… and in the end, he'd failed them. Lily had once told him, the day of Dorcas's funeral (she had been a close friend of hers), that pain is often the cost of living. And that loving someone was both the best and worst thing in the world. He remembered being confused by this, thinking it nothing more than some poetic bullshit that they were all telling themselves to get through the amount of deaths they had to bear. But then he lost James. And Lily.
Then he had understood, and his barriers had gone up.
But then, he had Harry to protect. And that broke down his barriers and gave him a reason to exist in a world without James. And then Mara came into his life. A small, scrawny girl with a mass of crazy hair and a boy with emerald eyes and a lightening shaped scar had made him love too deeply, yet again. And that terrified him. Them getting hurt in any way terrified him. But the pain of that would always be worth how incredible it was to love them.
He wanted to tell Mara this. But somehow, he knew that he did not need to. The way she was looking at him gave Sirius every indication that she already knew all of this. That she knew, and understood, the worst part of him and loved him anyway.
"I never had a dad, before I met you. And I never thought that I needed one." She sighed. "What I said, about you not being my dad… I know that I had one once, and that he kept me safe and loved me. You told me all that years ago. But you… you took me in, you looked after me when you didn't have to. You could have said no, when Esme gave me to you. But you didn't. And then you brought me into your home and made me part of yours and Harry's family and you bought me school stuff and helped me with my homework and cooked us terrible meals that were borderline inedible… and you did it all because you wanted to."
"Of course I did." Sirius said. "Mara, you're my brother's daughter. There hasn't been a day since I found out about you that I haven't wanted to look after you. You, Harry and Remus are my family. An incredibly dysfunctional family with a shit tone of baggage, but still a family."
"That's what I mean! Nobody made you do any of that. You chose to be my dad. Harry's too. And well, how many people get to say that?" Mara said.
"How many people get to say that they were taken in by an over attached Animagus mess who drinks a little too much and a werewolf? I reckon the statistics are higher than we think." Sirius said.
"You're an idiot." Mara laughed, but then she got up and wrapped her arms around Sirius's neck. He immediately hugged her close, the clawing feeling in his chest suddenly easing. He had not expected so many forgotten thoughts and feelings to arise tonight, it had not been part of his plan. And he wasn't necessarily glad that they had reappeared, as he already knew that as soon as Mara was out of the room, he would be drinking not just the glass but the whole bottle of firewhiskey. But if having his demons and trauma resurfaced meant that he could move on, he would gladly do it.
"I'm sorry," Mara whispered into him, "for everything I said."
Sirius hugged her tighter. "I'm sorry, too."
They broke apart after a while, and straight away Sirius noticed the look on Mara's face.
"What?" he asked her.
"I think it's only fair that, as I forced you to unwillingly go over your trauma, that I be honest with you about mine."
Sirius frowned, wondering what on earth was left to say. "Ok?"
"Esme". She whispered.
Shit.
Sirius gulped. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. When I first saw her in the paper, I didn't plan on keeping it from you. I was going to tell you. But I just didn't want to- "
"Hurt me." Mara finished. "Don't worry, I understand that now."
Sirius nodded. "Ok, well that's something."
"Esme isn't my mum." Mara said quickly, as if afraid the conversation would end, and many things would be left unsaid. "She never tried to call herself my mum… in fact, she was always honest about who my real mother was. She never hid that from me. She never pretended to be my mother, she always reminded me that she wasn't. But that didn't stop me… loving her, as if she were my mum."
Sirius looked down at the floor. Mara had never spoken so openly about Esme. Sure, she had mentioned little things here and there or told anecdotes from her childhood, but very rarely did she ever allow herself to talk about her and Esme. Sirius had never pressed her for information. He already knew all he needed to know about the blonde-haired woman- she had lost her son and her husband, she raised Mara as a favour to Regulus and she had worked for the ministry. From his two brief meetings with Esme, he had established her to be a stern but kind woman. And despite reminding the girl that she was not her mother; Sirius knew that Esme loved Mara very much.
"She cares about you." Sirius said, hoping that would bring Mara some comfort.
Mara looked deep in thought for a moment. "When she came to Hogwarts to see you and Dumbledore, and gave me to you, I felt… I felt like someone had had ripped a hole in my chest. Cause if it was so easy for her to give me away, then I must have meant nothing to her. I started to think that the only reason she kept me all those years was because she promised dad that she would keep me safe. But that didn't make sense either. Because despite me only being there as a last resort, she still cared for me. She put me to bed at night and read me stories, taught me to read and write, she held me when I cried and did my hair every morning… all the things that a mother does. She knew dad wanted her to bring me to you- and she could have, at any moment. She could have found you, if she really tried. But she kept me. And then gave me away like it was nothing."
Sirius put his arm around her then. She was shaking slightly, and he saw the tears brimming in her eyes. She quickly wiped her eyes, avoiding Sirius's glare.
"Cry if you need to. There's no shame in it." Sirius said softly.
"I didn't write to her. Not once." And then her tears fell. "I never told her how thankful I was. Or how much she meant to me."
"I think she knows. It's one of those things she didn't need you to say." Sirius said, stroking the hair out of Mara's face.
"Where the hell is she… how can someone just disappear like that. The paper isn't even covering her disappearance anymore." Mara murmured.
"The Daily Prophet is shit for things like that. They'll find her, Mara. She is a ministry official- they'll have every available person out there looking for her." Sirius said.
"That's what Cedric said."
"For once, something me and Diggory agree on!"
Although, Sirius couldn't escape the feeling that he didn't quite fully agree with this. The nature of Esme's disappearance alone had been strange to him, and now she had been missing for month without a trace. While that wouldn't have normally alerted Sirius too much, it was too much of a coincidence with everything else that had been going on. Lucius trying to frame him, the world cup, Mara's almost kidnap, the dark mark in the sky, Harry's name coming out of the Goblet, everything with Karkaroff and Snape, Pettigrew showing his face and stalking the kids and now Esme's bizarre and out of character disappearance. Something was definitely going on. Her disappearance reminded Sirius of the war- of gathering around a radio and listening to all the names of the missing being lost. They were missing, no body had been found, but they had all knew. And that thought, made Sirius's whole body run cold.
Mara laughed lightly at Sirius's comment about Diggory before allowing her face to fall. "I never talk about her."
"I know you don't."
"It hurts too much. So, it's easier to just not talk."
"I get that. You don't have to talk about her if you don't want to. We'll do it when you're ready, yeah?"
Mara nodded, and Sirius pulled her close to him again. "I love you, missy. Don't you forget that."
"I love you, too." He could almost hear the smile in her voice.
The door to Sirius's quarters suddenly burst open. This time the door did hit the wall with a loud thud, causing most of the room to vibrate. Squibble, who had taken herself to the couch, hissed at Harry, who had just charged towards them. He was carrying a large pile of books, his face red as he slammed them down on the coffee table.
"Jesus shit, they're heavy." He said, sounding a little out of breath. Sirius smirked, but tried his best to hide it. After all the emotion he had just been through, he was in no mood to give a lecture on swearing. Especially as he rarely spoke a sentence himself without some sort of profanity in it somewhere.
Harry was watching Sirius now, who was still sitting with his arm around his niece. Sirius saw Harry's eyes light up as he put two and two together.
"You two made up then?"
Sirius nodded. "We did."
Harry smiled, and relief flooded his face. "Thank god for that."
Mara lifted one of the books off the coffee table. 'Magical Underwater Ailments and Their Causes' was sprawled across the light green front cover in gold lettering. She frowned.
"We read this one last week, didn't we?"
Harry shrugged. "I think so. Hermione reckons there's loads we could have missed. So I'm gonna reread this lot just to double check."
"What a brilliant way to spend the evening." Mara said, rolling her eyes and slouching back on the couch.
Harry grinned at her before looking back at Sirius. He lifted another book, this time a red one, and threw it over to Sirius who caught it without a flinch.
"Get reading then." Harry said. "Unless you know any spells that'll help me breathe under water for an hour."
