80. I need you
Severus stormed into the kitchen, almost knocking over one of the Weasley twins. Unfazed, he ignored the dark look the redhead cast him and grabbed the bowl from the table. A relieved breath escaped his nose when he found the cup and Firewhisky untouched. Although a deep scowl had settled on his features, his insides were clenching with fear. Long strides brought him past the other people in the room and he entered the living room. The door closed loudly behind him, but his eyes had already settled on the trembling form on the couch. Mrs. Weasley's head whipped around as she heard the approaching footsteps. Severus' heart dropped when he saw the unguarded panic in her eyes.
"She's slipping in and out of consciousness… Please, help her," her pleading voice sent a chill down his back.
Severus' gaze was drawn to the trembling body lying on the couch. The blood rushed through his ears yet the low groans of pain sounded even louder. He took Mrs. Weasley's position and his eyes flickered over Arya's face. Pearls of sweat were covering her forehead and her skin was deathly pale. Her unfocused eyes were barely open and shaky breaths escaped her parted lips.
"Jackson," Severus said urgently and leaned closer to her. "Jackson!"
Another groan was all he received. A hiss escaped his gritted teeth and his hands quickly pulled the vials out of his pocket. His heart was beating furiously in his chest and his eyes flickered repeatedly to Arya's face but the young elb did not react. A small spark of relief sparked in his heart when his hands worked steadily without trembling. With smooth routine, he quickly organised the vials on the small table before pulling it closer to the couch.
"Jackson, you must open your eyes now. Open your eyes, elb," Severus said sharply and cupped her cheek. Arya's eyelids flattered and it took agonizingly long for her eyes to focus on him. A soft sigh left her lips before her body shook with dry coughs.
Severus moved his hand to the back of her head and wrapped the other around her shoulders. His heart skipped a beat when a protesting whimper reached his ears. He gritted his teeth and pulled Arya into a sitting position. Then he sat behind her and leaned her limp body against his chest. Arya's head rested heavily on his shoulder, her muscles no longer under her control. He placed the bowl in her lap and pulled strains of hair behind her shoulders.
"You must swallow this potion – it's a Vomiting Solution. It will get the remaining Strengthening Potion out of your system. Do you understand me?"
He wrapped his right arm around her shoulder and placed his hand on her forehead to support her weakened body. A whimper escaped Arya's lips and Severus breathed relieved when he saw her trembling hands taking a light hold of the bowl.
"No… no," Arya sighed and her face contorted into a pained expression. Severus felt her feeble attempt to turn her head away. "Please."
"Elb, you must drink this now," Severus urged sternly, his face mere inches away from hers. His free hand took the vial from the small table and uncorked it. His heart felt like breaking when Arya's body started shaking against his chest. Her eyes fluttered close and pale lips pressed in a trembling line.
"Arya, please, he's trying to help you," Mrs. Weasley pleaded as she sat at the end of the couch. Concerned, brown eyes were boring into Arya's face but the young elb merely whimpered and tried to turn her head against Severus' hand.
Severus closed his eyes and swallowed the forming lump in his throat. Taking a deep breath, he rested his cheek against her temple to cage her head. "Arya," he spoke softly, resisting the urge to place a kiss on her burning skin, "you must drink this now!"
Severus took slow breaths, preparing himself to force the potion down her throat if necessary, but then Arya opened her eyes. The shaking of her body did not seize, however. Gently, he placed the vial to her parting lips and watched with a heavy heart as she swallowed with difficulties. The empty vial clattered on the floor when he took a hold of the bowl. Arya groaned disgusted as her stomach reacted to the Vomiting Potion and emptied itself. Then she closed her eyes and whimpered ashamed. With a flick of her wand, Mrs. Weasley cleaned the bowl and conjured a clean cloth. She felt confused and mesmerised as she watched the gentleness the usually snarky Potions Professor was showing towards the young elb.
Severus wiped Arya's mouth and loosened his hold on her head. Sighing, she closed her eyes and let the heavy weight of her head fall against his cool cheek. "Open your eyes, elb. We aren't done yet."
Arya groaned weakly but obeyed his command with great difficulties. Severus took a blue, glittering vial and uncorked it before lifting it to her mouth. This time, she parted her lips without hesitation as her eyes fell close against her will. It took longer this time to empty the vial as she needed more energy to swallow. With a sinking heart, he watched as Arya's features relaxed and felt her body's tremors subside. Her breathing was slowing and turning too shallow.
"You must drink this second elbish potion as well. The previous one was for your body to regain some strength," he uncorked a vial containing a shimmering, purely white liquid. Arya had no strength left to open her eyes or to produce any sound. "This one will stabilise your magic fighting the Dark Magic in your system," hopefully, Severus added quietly as he brought the vial to Arya's lips.
Arya's forehead fell against his cheek as he leaned to the small table and filled some Firewhiskey into the cup. Gently, he pulled her head back and held the cup to her lips. Arya's features twisted when the sharp scent reached her nose and she moaned softly.
Severus rested his cheek against her temple and spoke soothingly although he felt anything but calm. "Your body is too weak to warm itself. It tastes strong, but it will help."
It felt like an eternity to Severus as he watched Arya empty the bit of Whiskey, drinking only a few drops at once. Then he removed the hand from her forehead and allowed himself a short breath of relief. With the distraction of work gone, fear returned with full force and clawed painfully in his chest. Anxiously, he kept his gaze on Arya' face as he lowered her body gently on the couch.
An invisible hand was squeezing his heart with an unbearable pressure. Breathing became harder as Severus' eyes took in the deathly pale face. The trembling of her body had vanished, her eyelids were just barely open. Arya took a deeper breath and found the strength to open her eyes. They turned to Severus and he felt his heart skip a beat. Not caring about Mrs. Weasley any longer, he placed a hand on her cheek and caressed her skin with his thumb.
"I… I…," soft words left her lips and she took a shaky breath. Arya whimpered and pleading eyes looked at him. "Love him… Fairy-love… I love him."
Tears ran down Mrs. Weasley's cheeks when she heard the loss of hope in Arya's voice. Her breathing hitched when she saw the lips of the harsh Potions Professor twitch into a small, heart-warming smile. His velvet voice held a softness that she almost dared to describe as fondness.
"He knows you do," despite his smile, black eyes were gleaming with sorrow. "And he loves you more than anything else… If he were here, he would certainly tell you what a wonderful woman you are, Arya Evandar – so strong and beautiful and pure-hearted."
The corner of Arya's lips twitched into the softest of smiles, but Severus saw all the love the young woman held for him in her heart. An agonizing pain exploded in his chest and his smile vanished. His insides were trembling with suppressed feelings.
"Forgive me," he whispered and Mrs. Weasley felt her heart clenching when his voice broke. The Potions Professor took Arya's hand in his. "I'm supposed to protect you, but I failed you. You deserve so much better than this."
Arya's hand jerked in his hold and he gave it a gentle squeeze. Pieces of her broken heart were sending sharp jolts of pain through her chest. Her body had no more strength left to produce tears. "I found the most… truthful… happiness… Severus Snape," a sad smile tugged at her lips. "Have been… raised with love… Found fairy-love… my family… at Hogwarts… Nothing… to forgive."
"I will speak with your family. I will tell them what happened," Severus said softly and kept his gaze on her dull blue eyes. He knew she would understand the true meaning of his words.
"Tell them… I love them… my brother… always," Arya breathed heavily and closed her eyes for a painfully long moment.
"You will tell him that yourself," Severus growled through gritted teeth, urging her to open her eyes again. Coldness was flowing through his veins and freezing time. "I will inform them about your condition, but you will speak with them upon your return to Hogwarts."
A faint smile played around Arya's lips and a soft breath escaped her lips. Her eyelids flattered but they fell close before her eyes could focus. Severus felt his soul being torn apart. Mrs. Weasley sobbed quietly and pressed a shaking hand to her lips.
"Meleth nîn… I love you," Arya whispered barely audible. Her features softened, the smile leaving her face and with it, a never-ending shadow fell silently, like a horrible evil spirit, over Severus' heart. All his hopes and dreams sank into the darkest part of his soul.
Finding himself unable to move, Severus' gaze flickered over her face and settled on her moving chest. Tremendous fear was raging in his heart, in his mind, his veins and every nerve of his body. The rising and falling of her chest was slow and short but still regular. He lost track of time as he was kneeling next to the couch. He hardly dared to breathe, too frightened that her chest might stop moving any second – that he might lose the one person he cared for, the love of his life.
"Will she be alright," Mrs. Weasley whispered after a long moment.
Her hands were shaking as she could not tear her eyes from the young elb. Guilt and fear made it difficult for her to think clearly. For her husband and the father of their children to live, this young, wonderful woman was willing to sacrifice hers. A mere child, at the age of her youngest son, was carrying a burden greater and more terrific than any other curse – condemned to live a life in war without the hope for a peaceful future.
"I don't know," Severus' whisper lacked any emotions.
His body was no longer connected to his mind. It seemed as if his heart no longer existed – no heartbeat, no breathing, no blood pumping through his system. Perhaps Arya would wake again but Severus knew that there was not much hope.
Genuine cold indifference had settled on Severus' features. For the first time in years, his old self emerged to the surface – the man he had grown to be after years of abuse in his childhood home, the man he had been when Leya Evandar had suddenly appeared at Hogwarts, the man he had become again after he had seemingly erased Arya's memories. He had locked his feelings away and allowed darkness to consume him, turning him into a hard, embittered man. Life had never been fair to him. Lily, Leya and now also Arya – he had been given hope only to have it brutally wrested from him again.
The heavy pressure in his chest was hard to ignore, however, as he forced himself to pack the remaining potions. He only left one of each elbish potion on the table. Shimmering almost as brightly as the Lightning Spell, they looked very out of place in the dark, Slytherin living room – like the young elb who was gifted with the perfection of elbish beauty. Severus sighed and chastised himself for letting his thoughts drift away. It hurt to look at Arya and yet he could not feel anything.
Severus poured himself a generous cup of Whiskey and sat down in the armchair. Mrs. Weasley watched him cautiously, not entirely sure what to make of the changed man in front of her. Absentminded, Severus stared at the two glittering vials on the table and slowly emptied the cup. The burning in his throat brought him slowly back to his senses, although it was the last thing he wanted at the moment. He needed to keep his composure. He needed to concentrate. The familiar stoicism filled his mind and pushed all emotions away.
"You will not speak a word about anything you saw or heard – not to anyone until the war is over," Severus' voice was as hard as his features. The icy black glare that was piercing Mrs. Weasley sent a shiver down her spine. Instinctively she nodded before wiping her wet eyes with a cloth. Untouched by the other women's emotions, he came to his feet.
"I need you in the kitchen with the others. There are a few more things to know about her… condition," Severus stated quietly. Mrs. Weasley nodded again and nervously wiped her hands over her dress. Severus watched as she occupied herself with placing the Whiskey and cup into the bowl before taking it with shaking hands. "I'm coming right away," he added softly, receiving a third nod.
Relieved to have a moment alone, he briefly closed his eyes when he heard the faint sound of the closing door. As his gaze flickered to Arya's motionless form, the stoic void in his mind threatened to be overwhelmed by the powerful emotions he had locked behind his Occlumency shield. He moved closer and kneeled next to the couch. He raised a hand to caress Arya's cheek and his eyes drunk in her deathly pale features. The unbearable pain was raging inside its prison. It attacked his mental shield with all the vivid power it possessed but he knew he could not let it consume him – not now.
Tenderly, he placed a kiss on Arya's cold forehead. Severus inhaled deeply and his eyes closed as the soothing scent of nature on a rainy day enwrapped his senses. Gently, he ran his fingers through her hair, wishing he could stay with her. Arya's soft breaths against his face sparked a new hope. Lovingly, he placed light kisses on her temple, her cheek, her nose until his lips lingered over hers.
"You must return to me, my love. I beg you," Severus whispered shakily and rested his forehead against hers. He squeezed his eyes shut as a tremor rushed through his body. "I need you. Please, come back to me."
After a long moment, Severus took a deep breath and pressed one last kiss to Arya's pale lips. He cupped her face with his hands and watched her relaxed features. She truly was the most beautiful, the kindest and strongest being he had ever met.
"I love you, Arya Evandar."
It needed all the self-control he possessed to raise his head. His soul, his heart, his entire body protested when he willed himself to remove his hands and stand. Severus gritted his teeth and strengthened the mental shield to push every slipped emotion back into its prison. The darkness he had felt as Arya had drifted into unconsciousness made itself known in his heart. Suddenly, the pain was gone, no thought flickered through his mind, his body felt heavy with emotions yet he did not feel them. The floor-length black cloak brought forth the impenetrable wall of cold indifference. The rational, hard self took control once more. Then he turned away from Arya.
Concerned, sorrowful and hopeful expressions awaited him when he entered the kitchen. Severus came to a halt and his emotionless eyes flickered through the room. He found pain in everyone's eyes. Bill Weasley had returned from his visit to St. Mungo's and Lupin was sipping at his tea with a concerned frown. Black was sitting at the other end of the table with a bloody cloth in his hands. He was glaring at Severus, but a barely noticeable edge of concern had settled on his face. Seething anger brought Severus' nerves back to life and he looked away to keep his powerful hatred from exploding.
"Will she be alright, Professor," Hermione interrupted the tense silence, her voice barely more than a frightened whisper. Severus' eyes flickered to her and he folded his arms across his chest. Then he averted his gaze to Mrs. Weasley who was being held by her eldest son. Fresh tears were running down her cheeks.
"Her chances to survive are slim, Ms. Granger," Severus said softly yet his cold voice cut through the tension like a knife. He felt his own emotions roaring louder as he saw the last hope vanish from their faces. Hermione let out a small cry and pressed a shaking hand to her lips.
"The venom of this snake is highly lethal since it has been altered with Dark Magic. Ms. Jackson didn't heal Arthur Weasley, that would be impossible, but transferred the venom into her own body instead. The Ancient Magic that is running through her body can counteract darkness to a certain extent. However, the transfer of the venom has cost her a high amount of strength and weakened her considerably. Additionally, the Strengthening Solution… is being received from her body as an exogenous substance and further affecting her health by causing internal bleedings and intoxication."
Severus shifted uncomfortably and swallowed the forming lump in his throat when Lupin stared at him with a blank expression. Hermione pulled her legs to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself. Her body was shaking with quiet sobs, but she was not the only one. Mrs. Weasley had slumped down in a chair and was rubbing her face with trembling hands. A terrified expression had settled on her face and for the first time since he knew them, Severus saw nothing but fear in the twins' eyes.
"She will die," Harry croaked out with a raspy voice and all eyes flickered back to Severus. He stared at the black-haired boy and for the first time, he felt a slight, barely existent spark of sympathy for his least favourite student.
"Since Jackson is an elb, the magic in her system has put her into a controlled comatose state. Her body lowers its functions as much as possible to gain energy for the healing process… I did everything I could, but…," Severus hesitated, "as weakened as Ms. Jackson was before she lost consciousness, I doubt she will wake up again."
Each word tore deeper into his heart, but the following silence felt much worse. He wanted to scream at them, tell them that they knew nothing about Arya. He wanted to hurt them as much as he felt hurt. They did not know her like he did. He was the one she talked to, not them. They never listened to her when she tried to explain her magic or her way of thinking. They did not understand her. They did not love her the way he did.
Severus whirled around and rushed out of the house. Every fibre of his being pulled in the opposite direction, but he willed his muscles to move. He could not stay there. And he had no choice but to leave Arya with these people.
The moment the door to his private quarter closed behind him, Severus came to an abrupt halt in the middle of his sitting room. For a second, he felt oddly calm and emotionless. His eyes stared at the fire in the fireplace yet his mind did not register it. Then his entire body started trembling and his knees felt too weak to support his weight. The Occlumency shield crumbled to dust and a flash of darkness engulfed his senses. His legs gave away, then he fell.
Tears were streaming down Severus' cheeks. The pain was everywhere. It paralysed his entire being. For the first time in his life, Severus felt the unbridled power of his emotions. He wanted to rip the beating heart out of his chest. He wanted to choke on the sobs and screams that his treacherous lungs refused to permit. His hands gripped fistful of black hair and pulled but he felt nothing. Moans of despair left his parted lips. Severus wanted to say her name. Arya. He wanted to beg her. He wanted to beg Merlin or any other almighty force to help his elb – to bring her back home… to him…
Minerva McGonagall halted in her steps. The faint click of the door behind her did not even reach her mind. An invisible force clenched her heart tightly in her chest and sadness washed over her like freezing water. The former student, whom she had watched grow into an intimidatingly strong man, was no longer recognisable. Severus was sitting on the cold stone floor with his back slumped against the couch. His hands rested lifelessly in his lap, his chest only moving ever so slightly. Black hair was hiding his face. He showed no sign that he had noticed her presence.
Minerva approached him and felt her heart breaking. Tears were glittering on Severus' cheeks and he was staring at the floor with a blank expression. Suddenly, he looked up and Minerva drew in a sharp breath. A turmoil of emotions flickered through Severus' dark eyes, but it was not the reason why she placed a hand over her hammering heart. It was the look of a broken soul that burned itself into her mind – one that she would never forget. The unmasked truth of all the pain Severus had gone through shone in his eyes as he looked at her.
Minerva had never felt so helpless than at this very moment. She opened her mouth but did not know what to say. She knew there was nothing she could say or do to make him feel better. She hardly even knew him – truly knew him. He had only started to open up to her when she had learned the truth about his relation to Aryanna, but he still remained a mystery. The only person he trusted unconditionally was Arya Jackson.
Minerva sat on the couch and placed a hand on Severus' shoulder. He flinched but did not move away. His gaze was fixed on the fireplace once more. Minerva swallowed the thick lump in her throat when she felt his muscles tense under her touch. Perhaps, one day, he would trust her enough to talk about his past. But only if Aryanna survived. Minerva gave his shoulder a light squeeze before pulling her hand back. She hoped that her quiet presence was enough to show him that he was not alone and had a friend by his side…
The following weeks passed in a blur for Severus. Although he was a master in hiding his feelings and keeping his features under control, he felt a complete wreck. His fear left him desperate, helpless and angry. He spent almost the entire holidays locked up in his quarters, working furiously to keep himself busy. The only times he left the silence of his quarters were for patrols and the one time the Dark Lord summoned him.
He felt useless. There was nothing for him to do to help Arya. He could not even provide the Order with new information. The Dark Lord was planning something, but he was kept in the dark. It was more than unnerving and only adding to his fury. He should be at Grimmauld Place. He had thought of sneaking out of the castle, but the Headmaster had put and end to his plan before he even had a chance to leave. A strong charm would keep him out of Grimmauld Place unless Dumbledore gave his permission. Since the day the Headmaster had told him, he had not visited Severus' quarters again.
A knock on the door interrupted the silence in the Potions classroom. "Enter," Severus snapped, annoyed that he had been disturbed in his thoughts. He did not want to see anyone except for Arya, but she was still at Grimmauld Place, unconscious, for three weeks now.
Clenching his jaw, he continued to correct the terrible essay in front of him. Two pairs of footsteps approached his desk and he instantly recognised them as students. Great, just what he needed.
"Where is she," snarled a familiar voice and for a second Severus' throat constricted.
"Mr. Malfoy," he drawled and acknowledged Blaise with a short look. The blonde's face contorted with anger but the spark of concern in his voice was obvious.
"Don't Mr. Malfoy me. I want to know where my sister is. She left the castle before Christmas and now it's been two days since the new term started. So, where is she?"
Severus curled his lips and caste the blonde a scathing look that would have every other student quivering with fear. Draco, however, glared unfazed at his Head of House. Severus threw the quill on his desk and flicked his wand in direction of the door. The last thing he needed was for anyone to listen to their conversation.
"Ms. Evandar is –," Severus paused. He could not really tell them where she was. "She was in need of medical supervision therefore she has been taken away from prying eyes."
He waited for his words to sink in and felt relief as they obviously understood the meaning of his words. It would have done Arya nor the Order any good if she had been brought back to Hogwarts under the Ministry's eyes. Even if he would have preferred it.
Draco furrowed his eyebrows, grey eyes turning to slits. "Medical supervision?"
Severus' lungs constricted and he tried to ignore the roaring emotions behind his shield of Occlumency. He refused to let anything show in front of them, they were still his students after all and he did not feel comfortable letting his guard down.
"She was poisoned with Dark Magic," said Severus softly.
"How," Draco and Blaise asked in unison.
Severus stared at them. His chest constricted almost painfully. "She transmitted the poison from someone else's body to her own to save their life."
"And where is she now," Draco asked coldly. The accusation was clear.
"In safety," Severus replied icily and clenched his jaw.
Draco cast him a seething look. "And where exactly is that?"
Something snapped in Severus and he felt angry all of the sudden. He glared at them with a look that was usually reserved for annoying students but had become his usual reaction to anyone who dared to breathe in his presence.
"Watch your mouth, before I throw you out of my classroom," Severus hissed dangerously and Draco's eyes widened slightly.
"How is she," Blaise quietly interrupted their exchange.
Reluctantly, Severus averted his gaze from Draco to glare at his student. How much he hated them at the moment for forcing him to say the truth out loud. "She is unconscious to save her strength for the healing process, but the Dark Magic is lethal for humans. I cannot say whether her body is strong enough…"
Severus watched as Draco's face turned sickly pale and he lost control over his features. All he wanted was to lock himself in his quarters and drown his pain in the largest bottle of whisky he had. He wanted to be alone with Arya and hold her close.
"You mean she… she might die," whispered Draco into the silence. The words felt like a knife to Severus' heart. He swallowed the thick lump in his throat. Every muscle tensed, even his heart skipped several beats and a paralysing coldness filled his body.
Severus did not know how long they stood in his classroom. He did no longer care that they were his students. At this moment, they were the only people who knew the entire truth about Arya and cared for her as much as he did. The only people who understood the pain he had gone through for the past three weeks. They were her true family.
