Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters.
A/N: Thanks to MaeSilverpaws1, who is beta-ing this story.
Chapter Sixty
Sirius Through the Years
Sirius sighed, as he watched Harry leave yet again. It was becoming harder every time watching him leave, worrying and wondering what was going to happen to Harry. Harry was growing in leaps and bounds in not only size but mentally too. Sirius remembered how Harry behaved right before he left for Hogwarts for the first time; it just amazed him how serious Harry had become. He realized that the change was mostly due to the danger that the boy had gone through. He really hated that Harry had to grow up so fast. Saying goodbye this time though, was harder than anything he had ever done before because Sirius knew how lonely he was going to be in the empty house once he was left alone again. He could tell that Harry was worried about him too (when they had said goodbye), but hoped the brave face he was using was enough to convince the boy he would be okay. Sirius didn't want Harry to worry about him; there were many more important things for a thirteen year old to worry about than his lonely uncle, like girls and pranks and girls and occasionally homework but most importantly pranks.
Still, in the end he was alone and Sirius couldn't stand that. He Apparated to his favorite pub, hoping some of his friends would be there. He looked around the room and found a few of the Aurors in their usually corner and he went to join them. It was a little annoying that none of them were his closer friends, but he was still able to have a good time until later in the day when they called it quits and he still didn't want to go home to his empty house. That's when he noticed her across the way, the last person he wanted to see, but also the only one he wanted to talk to.
O
It had been twenty two years since the first time that he met her. Then of course he only knew her because she was the Seeker on the Quidditch team. She was a third year and one of the best flyers, beside himself (and maybe James) that he knew. He didn't say a word to her that year, but he couldn't help but notice her. The next year Sirius had made the team (along with James) and they had become teammates. He found that they had more in common and she was one of the few girls he knew that knew exactly what she was talking about when it came to Quidditch.
It wasn't until forth year that he realized that he had a crush on her. Okay, so she wasn't the only girl that he had a crush on, he tended to like pretty much anyone. But she was different, it wasn't just because she was beautiful, he actually liked talking to her. It helped a lot that she was the Quidditch Captain and she looked hot shouting out orders to him. He was sure nothing was going to come of his little crush though, because unlike most of the girls that he dated since fourth year, he was actually friends with her and he didn't want to ruin their friendship. Friendship had always been the most important thing to him since he had no family that he could turn back to.
In fifth year however, during the party the Gryffindors throw after winning the Quidditch Cup, due to her amazing catch that couldn't have been made without the Bludger he sent at the opposing Seeker, things changed. She kissed him! It was amazing. Unlike anything he had ever experience before or since. Things had moved faster than he thought they would and they went to one of the secret passageway that only he and his friends knew about and he … they … ended up losing their virginity. It wasn't until the next day that he realized that things weren't going to end the way he thought.
"Hey," he had said, sitting next to her the next afternoon. He was grinning like an idiot. He never could have imagined how good it felt being with a girl like that …. no, not just any girl, he knew she was special.
"Hey," she said frowning, her voice was soft and he knew he was in trouble. He had heard that tone a few times before and it was never good. "Look Sirius … we need to talk."
Sirius sighed, moving his hands up through his hair and rested them on top of his head, his gray eyes going cold and indifferent. "You don't want to go out with me."
"It's not that I don't want to …" she had started and he raised his eyebrow at her in confusion. "Sirius, I'm a seventh year, we're only going to see each other for another month …"
"That's like three weeks longer than any of the other girls I dated," Sirius rolled his eyes at that comment. A month was like forever to him, and yet he knew she had a point. It wouldn't be enough time with her. And then what? He wouldn't see her for two years at least. "Why did you even kiss me in the first place, if you didn't want anything more?"
"Because you were so hot," she shrugged and he had to grin at that. "Beside, I've been thinking about it for awhile now."
"Really?" Sirius said shocked, having no clue that she liked him. Which was odd, since he was sure every other girl at school had a crush on him.
"Yes, but you're right, I shouldn't have kissed you," she sighed, looking away from him.
"You regret what happened," Sirius felt his heart beat painful in his chest. If this was what it felt like to be rejected he was going to make sure he didn't care so much next time.
"No Sirius, I don't," she said but he didn't know how he could believe her. "I just wish …" she started but cut herself off, her eyes portraying her sadness just for a moment. It was this look that he would remember whenever he thought of her, trying to figure out what she was trying to say. When she talked again, it was clear that she had decided to take a different approach. "I just don't think that we should continue because it might ruin our friendship …"
"Are you sure … I think we could try …"
"It's only going to hurt more if we continue for a month …"
"Maybe it wouldn't …"
"Be serious …"
"I'm always Sirius!"
She rolled her eyes at that comment, but she couldn't help to laugh, and he couldn't help but join her. "I'm sorry … I just don't want this to ruin our friendship," she repeated.
"Friendship?" Sirius questioned.
"You don't think we're friends?" she questioned back.
"Well … yeah, but …" Sirius said still confused and she sighed in what he thought was in relief.
"You're one of the few people that I've met that I enjoy talking to," she explained. "Please tell me that I didn't ruin that."
"Don't worry," Sirius smiled at her and he knew then that he wasn't going to let that happen. Sure he was disappointed that this didn't work out, but she was right. He didn't want to ruin their friendship either and things would only become messy if they tried to continue a relationship now. It still hurt though … he wasn't much for being in a long term relationship, but he might have tried for her.
His last two years of school, Sirius had plenty of girlfriends, but none of them could hold his attention for more than a few weeks. He remembered Lily calling him a dog, which only made him laugh (this had been both before and after she started dating James, but when it was after it was in a more joking tone). He couldn't help it though. Girls loved him and he loved girls. It wasn't the same though, and he found he thought about her more as he got closer to finishing school. He found that he was looking forward to making friends with her again.
However, the first time that he saw her after he finished school she had a boyfriend. It was one of her co-workers in the Experimental Spells Department of the Ministry and Sirius immediately hated him. Still, he was able to enjoy the lunches that he had with her every once in a while at the Ministry when he was going through his training as an Auror. Sometimes he would even see her at the pub that he liked going to and they would have a pint and talk about the latest Quidditch match. It was months later that anything in their relationship had changed. Her boyfriend had dumped her and she was feeling really bad and he was just trying to be a good friend … or was he acting on the feelings that he had now been nursing for a few years.
When he had gotten there he noticed right away that she was drunk, which he was fine with, but it was the fact that there were a bunch of guys around her that bothered him. It wasn't like she didn't have guys around her most of the time, but he didn't recognize any of them and she was being way too friendly. She was usually more reserved than this. When Sirius saw the git put his hand on her thigh, he rushed over to her, pushing the guy away.
"Sirius?" she said, looking at him with haze filled eyes, "what are you doing?"
"I'm getting you away from these gits," Sirius said, and when she made to protest, he didn't listen. He just pulled her to him and walked her out of the pub and then Apparated her to the flat that he shared with Remus, though luckily the werewolf wasn't home.
"What are you doing?" she complained, pulling her arm out of his.
"What are you doing?" he asked back. "Why the bloody hell were you drinking with those idiots?"
"Because it's better than not drinking with idiots," she mumbled and he was shocked when tears came to her eyes. He had never seen her cry before, not even when they had lost in the final game in his third year by ten points.
"Hey, come here," Sirius said, holding his arms out to her because he didn't know what else to do. She walked into his embrace and he could feel that she was still crying. "What happened?"
"Greg broke up with me," she whispered into his chest. "After a year … he just broke up with me."
Sirius didn't know what to say or do to make her feel better. He just held her until she tried to kiss him. He really wanted to kiss her back, but he couldn't, not when she was plastered like this, so he just took her to the couch and held her. Luckily she fell asleep after a few hours though Sirius had worried when Remus came home because the werewolf gave him a hard time for a little while until he explained what happened. His friends had always given him a hard time when it came to her, for good reason. It was pretty much the only time that they could get him to look embarrassed. The next morning he took care of her as best as he could. She was grungy and depress and he felt like he wasn't being very helpful, but she had told him later that he really got her through that day.
The next month he propositioned the idea of friends with benefits because he couldn't take being with her so much and not having her. He was surprised when she agreed readily but he didn't put much thought into that in the light of what he was going to do next. It was incredible. And depressing. Still, he wouldn't change a thing, because when he was with her it was right. It didn't even matter that most of the time they didn't sleep together. It didn't matter that he didn't sleep around with other girls either. Damn! What the hell was the matter with him?
And then it happened. The day that forever changed his life. His best friend had gone mad. His sister (at least because of the spell he had cast with her she was his sister) was killed. And their child was now the most important thing in his life.
Still, he knew that he couldn't have made it through the funeral without her. She was there for him in a way that he didn't think that anyone could have been. It really was that night that he realized just how much he had cared for her all this time. He had always been envious of James … oh how hard it was for him to think of that at that time … because he had Lily. Again he nearly broke down as he had thought of his friends whose fate was so horrible. He realized that he wasn't just jealous of James because he found a girl to be happy with, even thought it was bitterly short, he was jealous because James had asked the girl he liked out … repetitively. Sirius, so confident when it came to talking to some hot blonde couldn't be honest with the stately brunette beauty that he cared so much about; that he might actually be in love with.
He still didn't have the guts to tell her though. He didn't have time to pursue a relationship now that he had a family to take care of. He's never regretted his decision but he never stopped thinking about her. He kept up the friends with benefit deal with her over the years until he turned thirty (an age that he was dreading) when she told him that she couldn't continue sleeping with him.
"What's the matter? You don't like me anymore?" Sirius tried to blow it off with his witty smile, but it was more crushing hearing this from her than it was when he was sixteen.
"No, I'm pretty sure that I'm always going to like you, Sirius," she said sadly, "but I'm thirty two … and I want a family …" she looked at him at that moment and he wondered what she was thinking. She seemed to expect him to say something but he couldn't seem to form the words. Then she bowed her head and gave him the smile she always used when she was teasing him. "How am I supposed to do that when an amazingly handsome, incredible sensitive …"
"Oi!"
She laughed at his pout, and then she sighed. "Siri, I don't even look at other guys and I don't want to be alone my whole life."
"Well then you can spend your time with me," Sirius grinned at her and cursed himself for using his own teasing tone. Why couldn't he just tell her how he really felt? Why did he have to hind his feelings from her? He convinced himself that it was because he needed to be there before Harry, but he knew that wasn't the only reason. He was terrified that she was going to tell him that she didn't want him, and he couldn't handle that.
"Oh … so you're willing to be my baby's daddy," she rolled her eyes at him.
"You have to admit that would be one gorgeous baby," Sirius said with a natural smile this time, he had, on occasion, thought of that image before.
"I don't doubt it," she smiled too, her eyes furrowing in sadness again. "But I want there to be love …"
"Well you deserve it," Sirius said in a gruff voice before he pulled her into a hug. He didn't want her to see how hard it was on him to hear her say that.
That wasn't the last time that they had seen each other. In fact he saw her every week or so like he normally did. They still talked all the time, but he missed her terrible. He was especially glad that she was around when Remus had started teaching this year, because she was one of the few people that he was able to be himself with. Well for the most part. Now that he was going out almost every night, he was able to see her ever few days and he found that he couldn't help but monopolize her time. He couldn't help but noticed how easy it was to forget that his house was empty as he was actually having fun with her.
O
Back at the pub on the day that Harry had left, Sirius picked up the pint of beer that he had and then walked over to the stately looking woman; she was wearing her normal green shawl that she knew he hated. It wasn't the shawl itself; it was just the fact that it was green. He knew it was stupid to hate a color just because it represented the Slytherins, but he had to live in a green house his whole life and he couldn't stand it anymore. However, even that wasn't the reason. No the reason why he hated the shawl so much was because she looked so damn good in it.
"Hey, Em," Sirius smiled as he sat in the seat next to her at the bar.
"Siri," Emmeline Vance sighed, looking slightly annoyed that he was there.
"Did I do something to bother you?" Sirius questioned with his jaunty smile.
"No … you don't ever do anything," Emmeline said looking angry now.
"What's your problem?" Sirius asked starting to get annoyed himself, especially when she ignored him. "Did you have a bad holiday?"
"The usual," she answered curtly and he realized that he was right about something. She was always annoyed after spending Christmas with her family, she said it was because her mother always got on her case about not having a boyfriend … and lately it's been a husband … yet.
"I'm sorry," Sirius sighed.
"Yeah, you should be," she said, pushing away from the bar and turning to leave. He stared at her for a few second because he wasn't use to that response. Usually she would say it wasn't his fault and then they would drink for awhile and then he would try to cheer her up. He didn't know what her response meant, but he wasn't about to let her get away.
"What the hell did I do?" Sirius huffed as he grabbed her arm, making her look at him.
"Nothing," Emmeline glared at him looking hurt, "just leave me along Sirius, I don't want to deal with you right now."
"I can't leave you when you look hurt, Em, you know that," Sirius said, allowing her to see the side of him that only she (and sometimes Harry) could bring out of him.
"Don't Sirius," Emmeline said, but he wouldn't let go of her, and her eyes narrowed dangerous and he was starting to wish that he let her go. "Fine! You want to talk about this, so be it!"
Sirius gulped expecting her to start shouting at any moment, but instead she grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the pub and then Apparated them to her flat. He hadn't been there for a few years and he was surprised by how much it had changed and yet it was still so her.
"I see … you just couldn't wait to get me back in your flat," Sirius said to her hoping it would defuse some of the tension that was building in the silence, however it only seemed to make her angrier.
"You are the biggest arse in the world!" Emmeline shouted, she throw up her arms in exasperation.
"What? I …?" Sirius said, lost as to what to say. She really seemed to be coming out of nowhere with all this anger she was directing at him.
"Do you realize that I've only gone out with two guys since we stopped …!" Emmeline shouted.
"That has nothing to do with me!" Sirius shouted back. "What was I supposed to do, set you up with my mates or something?"
"No," she rolled her eyes before they became sad, "that's not what I mean at all."
"Then what do you mean?"
She shook her head, refusing to say what she was thinking. "And then the last three months you've been monopolizing all of my time …"
"Half the time you were the one that came over to me!" Sirius pointed out.
"Well of course I did, you looked so pathetic and depress … it wasn't natural!" Emmeline said, but she didn't shout this time, it was almost like she was teasing him even though she was still angry with him.
"Thanks," Sirius pouted, he wasn't sure if his response was sincere or sarcastic. He really had been pathetic at first … and she was the only reason why he felt better. "I didn't mean to be such a burden on you," now this time he knew he was being sarcastic.
"It wasn't because you were a burden," Emmeline sighed.
Her tone was so miserable that Sirius knew that something more was going on, but he was still lost. "What do you mean?"
"Don't play games, Sirius, you know what I mean," Emmeline mumbled.
"I'm not playing!" Sirius glared at her.
"You really aren't," Emmeline sighed bowing her head. "You really had no idea did you?"
"Em?" Sirius questioned.
"How I feel … about you?" Emmeline said nearly in tears now and Sirius felt his heart skip a beat. "How I wished that I wasn't just a quick shag to you."
"Em …" Sirius said, taking a step towards her and cupping her cheek making her look at him. "You've never been just a shag to me."
"I know … I'm your friend," Emmeline sighed, tear were in her eyes now. "You have no idea how much I wish I could mean more to you."
"You do," Sirius said softly and her hazel eyes met his with a hopeful expression. "You've always meant so much to me. More that you can imagine."
She was now looking at him, trying to see if he was telling her the truth or not. "You always acted like it was no big deal …"
"It was just that … it was an act," Sirius sighed. "One that was easy for me to play because you always thought I was good with the ladies."
"You are," Emmeline said, "I've seen you … how easily you flirt with everyone … how all the women would look at you. I'm sure you had your fair share of women."
"You would be surprised," Sirius said smiling at her sadly.
"That's what you always say," Emmeline huffed. "What does that even mean?"
"That you would be surprised," Sirius smiled at her, because he had said this line to her a lot over the years whenever she playfully asked him about the other girls. He realized that it wasn't so playful and he almost wished that he had been truthful with her at the time. "Since the beginning of our … arrangement … there's been no one else."
"You're not serious!" Emmeline gasped; never would she guess that might be the case. In fact she was worried it was just the opposite.
"Em … you know I'm always Sirius," he couldn't help but use his favorite pun.
"Git," Emmeline rolled her eyes and slapped him on his upper arm.
"And I am telling the truth," he continued, bringing his hand up to brush the hair out of her eyes. "When we're together … I didn't need anyone else."
She bowed her head into his chest at that point and she asked in a raspy voice, "Why didn't you say this before?"
He kissed the top of her, holding her close to him. It was amazing to have her in his arms again, and he felt like this time he wasn't going to let her go. "I didn't think you wanted me …" he answered in a whispered, "I was sure if I was honest … you would have brushed me off like you did the first time …"
"Sirius," she said in a miserable voice, "you have no idea how sorry I was about that. How I wished I was younger or you were older … but I knew that it wouldn't work …"
Sirius sighed, "It was the right decision then, Em. It could never have work back then."
"How about now Sirius?" Emmeline asked looking at him, hopefully this time.
"I definitely think it can," Sirius smiled at her before leaning down to kiss her for the first time in years … and it was just as incredible as it had always been.
O
"You're a really beauty, you know," Sirius whispered, as he played with the sleeve of the jersey she was now wearing. "Though, I have to admit that I've been looking for this shirt for years."
Emmeline chuckled, "you should have been more careful with your shirts then Sirius, it's not my fault that you left it in my flat."
Sirius chuckled but he wasn't really fused about it, it was only his favorite jersey because of the way she looked in it. It was nice thinking that she had kept it.
"Sirius … are you going to tell me now?" Emmeline said and he looked down at her confused. "About the mysterious life that you lead?"
"Mysterious life?" Sirius said trying to laugh it off but he felt his heart bang against his chest painfully. He didn't think she would ask him about this so soon, and he wasn't sure what he was supposed to say.
"Yes," Emmeline said. "Like the fact that until a few years ago, you've only gone to the pub with friends and always left before ten unless we were together. Why you never would stay over the weekend with me even when especially tempting offers were made. And those last few years you won't even stay the night. Why no matter what I asked you, you never told me about what you were doing in your life."
"Em …" Sirius said still not sure if he was ready to tell her and longing to tell her everything that he gone through for the last thirteen years of his life.
"Argh … that's just great," Emmeline growled getting impatient at this prolong silence and got out of the bed. "You're such a jerk Sirius … fine, keep your mysteries, for all I care."
"Em," Sirius groaned when she stomped out of the room. "You've got to give me more than a bloody minute to talk," he added starting to get frustrated himself, but quickly going after her. He was surprised when she was standing by the kitchen stock-still. He was sure that she would have at least been pacing or standing glaring at him. Instead, she was looking at something on the table that he couldn't see.
"Em?"
"I can't believe it," she whispered and then turned to look at Sirius with wide eyes, in her hand was the Daily Prophet.
"What?" Sirius asked worried now.
In response she held up the paper with a picture of a wizard behind bars, a wizard that he knew well but never wanted to see again. His eyes flashed to the headline that read:
Peter Pettigrew Escapes Azkaban!
A/N: Well, I hope you all liked the look into Sirius's life; I'm not really sure why I came up with this but in the last chapter when I had Sirius teasing Remus about Tonks, this just fell into my head. I'm thinking that I might go more into detail about Sirius and Emmeline's past relationship in a side story at some point and I would like to know if anyone is interested in that, though I won't do that until I'm finished with either my One Night to Eternity or Percy Jackson's Myth: The Last Olympian. As to the reveal at the end of this chapter, well this was something I was planning on the beginning and now we've got to the more exciting part of this year. Hope you liked this chapter.
