See first chapter for disclaimers.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to Storyseeker for beta-reading this. As usual, if you have any comments or preferences, please don't be shy. RandR.
PREVIOUSLY: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Pests of the Royal Family
Faith frowned at the forest around them. "Very pretty. Wonder what monsters we'll run into."
Xander winced a bit at the jaded tone, but knew it was a legitimate concern. The near idyllic scene probably hid something horrible. That was just the way their luck ran. "Let's find out."
They made their way through the trees till they found a path and followed it to what looked to be a main road. It was packed dirt with wagon tracks leading in both directions. That meant either a primitive world or a very rural area. They followed the road for a while without seeing anyone, but soon heard voices coming from a meadow. Following the voices, they found a small group of little girls playing. Three were having what appeared to be a tea party, and two were running around giggling, apparently looking for something. The one with straight dark hair that hung down past her shoulders wandered toward the woods near them, calling out.
"Crackle! Come on Crackle!"
"Look there." Faith pointed to where something was sneaking through the tall grass towards the girl. It was roughly as long as the little girl was tall, and the two hunters could see scales.
"Some kind of lizard?"
"It's hunting," Faith said with certainty. Then she was moving.
The girl screamed in alarm as she heard a noise behind her, and turned to find Faith standing over her, holding a wriggling lizard by the neck. Xander took a second to examine it. The thing was an odd shade of blue with two tiny, probably vestigial, wings. Its claws looked blunted and it was doing a damn fine job of giving Faith the puppy dog eyes. Faith didn't look impressed.
"Put her down!"
The two looked at the dark-haired girl, startled. "Huh?" Faith asked, wondering if she'd heard right. "It was trying to pounce on you!"
"She was just playing. Crackle would never hurt me."
"It's true." A brown haired girl in a purple dress that would have looked more at home in a ballroom assured them. "Crackle is harmless." She glanced at the rabbit that hopped up next to her. "Okay. As harmless as a fire-breathing dragon can be."
Faith lowered the creature to the ground and released it. The lizard…dragon… quickly scampered behind the dark-haired girl to hide.
"Okay then," Xander said, frowning. "Didn't expect that." He glanced at Faith. "Guess we haven't figured out why we're here."
"Why you're here?" The brown haired girl, who he now noticed was wearing a tiara, asked.
"That's complicated." Xander evaded the question. "Let's just say we're looking for trouble."
Faith rolled her eyes at a statement that could be taken in so many wrong ways. "Everywhere we go we find someone or something is causing a problem. We've just gotten used to it. I just assumed the thing creeping through the grass toward you and getting ready to attack was a threat."
"I guess I can see that," the dark-haired girl allowed, frowning thoughtfully. "Okay. I appreciate the thought, even if it wasn't necessary."
"You don't actually want to find trouble everywhere you go, do you?" The brown-haired girl looked dubious.
"No. And not finding any would be a nice change of pace." Xander admitted. Then he remembered his manners and introduced himself and Faith. The girl curtsied prettily and introduced herself and her friends. The other girls at the tea party were watching the strangers curiously. None of them seemed overly worried about two apparently violence prone adults in their midst.
"Well," she offered. "I suppose I could see if my dad knows of any problems that need fixing."
"Not necessary," Xander answered, smiling slightly at the girl's teasing tone.
"It was very brave of you to try to rescue Vivian. You two look like you could use a good meal and some rest. Why don't you come back to the castle with me? I'll have the servants fix you something."
"Perhaps a bath could be arranged as well," a blond girl with a haughty look about her said, eyeing their very odd and decidedly travel-worn clothes with veiled distaste.
"Oh look," Xander offered a quiet aside to Faith. "It's chibi Cordelia." His partner snorted in amusement, remembering the stuck-up Sunnydale girl. Their hosts just looked at them oddly, not sure how to take that, but royal manners won out and they settled for ignoring it.
"Well," the smiling brown-haired girl decided not to chance it and overrode whatever response her blonde friend might have made. "Let's head back home. It'll be getting dark by the time we get there."
"Okay," Xander agreed, willing to put any awkwardness behind them. They got the group of young girls organized and moving. Apparently, the other girls, all princesses according to their new friend, were having a sleepover at her father's castle. It sounded like something a gaggle of little girls from their Earth would do. The fact that they were all princesses from different kingdoms didn't seem to matter.
"Disney?" Faith asked quietly, sounding uncertain. She'd never watched much Disney.
"Probably." Xander shrugged. "We'll know for sure if people start singing about what's going on."
Faith nearly tripped over her feet. "You're kidding."
"Nope." Xander sounded entirely too cheerful for her tastes.
"I hope we're not here long enough for that to happen." The slayer seemed distinctly displeased at the idea.
"Don't care for musicals?" Xander asked, half-teasing.
"No, especially when I'm in 'em."
"We'll try to wrap this up quick, then." Xander assured her as they caught up with the gaggle of princesses. The girls hadn't even noticed their brief absence. They were chattering about balls and gowns, necklaces and tiaras, and quite a few things the two hunters didn't try to understand. Soon enough, though, they arrived at the castle.
The place was a beehive of activity, and everyone seemed on edge. Xander looked to the local princess and found her frowning in concern. "I take it this isn't normal?"
The girl looked up and shook her head. "Something's wrong. I'd better find the castle steward." She took a moment to stop a hurtling castle servant and asked her to arrange a meal for the two hunters before she hurried off to find the steward or one of her parents.
The two were shown into a kitchen that was surprisingly clean given the medieval setting. They noticed that the people there seemed just as nervous. Following the princess' instructions, they brought out some food for the two strangers. It was simple fare, but it tasted good and there was plenty of it. When the two hunters had eaten their fill, something they hadn't had opportunity to do for a while, they asked one of the scullery maids what was happening, reasoning that whatever had the castle's residents jumping at shadows was likely the problem they were there to solve.
"There's someone sneaking about the castle causing problems." The woman told them. "It started earlier today."
OOOOOOOOOO
The Queen made her way down the castle corridor, looking for her wayward son. She knew her girls were out on a picnic with several of their friends, but James had lessons to attend, and he was ducking them. Part of her couldn't blame him. Learning how to perform seven different tea ceremonies didn't sound like much fun, but as a prince, he was expected to know how to deal with guests from a number of different lands. She had a pretty good idea of where to find him, but before she'd gone very far, a voice distracted her.
"Good afternoon, milady."
"What?' She looked around the corridor she was traversing, but didn't see anyone.
"Why don't you come over here and SHOW ME THE GOODS!"
"Wha…?" Eyes searching the corridor for any potential hiding place, she started to quickly back out and return to a more populated section of the castle. She didn't see anyone, but she could hear him.
"Why don't you make yourself useful, love? And get me a cup of tea!"
OOOOOOOOOO
Sir Finnegan left the castle armory after inspecting the repairs to three suits of armor that had been brought in a few days ago. They were coming along well, and the smith assured him that all three would be ready on schedule. He was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of an unfamiliar voice.
"Look at that square jaw, those broad shoulders, those rippling muscles."
"Er. Well, I try." He couldn't see who was speaking. He knew that as one of the kingdom's preeminent knights he had admirers in the court, but the man speaking wasn't readily recognizable.
"You are one weird looking lady!"
"I say! Who are you? And where? I don't appreciate practical jokes."
"Haha! You're funny! But looks aren't everything."
Finnegan scanned the courtyard and the bushes, thinking the culprit was likely hiding from him.
"The ladies must love you. You can share makeup tips and trade shoes."
OOOOOOOOOO
"Come on, Rex." The king called to the bloodhound. "I'll bet you can find James." He couldn't actually be too annoyed with his son. He didn't know all of those ceremonies by heart himself. He needed a refresher before every visit by a head-of-state. Still, he had had the same lessons when he was a boy. Even a prince, especially a prince, had his duties.
"Oh look, he's wagging his tail."
The king paused at the voice. He glanced around, wondering who else was in the castle gardens.
"Maybe he's thinking about eating crap."
He wrinkled his nose at the words. They might well be true, he admitted, but it wasn't really polite to say such things. Looking around, though, he couldn't see anyone. "Who's there?" he called.
"Must be nice to be able to lick your own privates," the voice offered, and he still couldn't tell where it was coming from. "But doesn't that embarrass your dog?"
Feeling his face heat at the idea, the king started to get angry. "Come out immediately." Silence. "I said, come out. Now."
"Oh. Sorry. Didn't notice you there. What's it like being so insignificant?"
Scanning his surroundings carefully, the king scowled over the insults being directed his way. He couldn't see anyone, though. The only thing out of place was a rather ugly bit of statuary. Must remember to speak to the gardener about his taste in decoration. That was near the bottom of his list of priorities, though. The intruder sounded distinctly hostile. He decided to have the guards do a sweep of the gardens while he looked for James.
"Come on, Rex. Let's find James."
"I love doggies!" The voice called out. "I love throwing them into the river in a sack."
Definitely hostile, the king decided. He ignored the taunting and set Rex to tracking.
OOOOOOOOOO
"Okay. Weird." Faith admitted. "So someone no one can find is running around the castle insulting people? Doesn't sound like too big a problem."
"Unless he moves from insulting people to attacking them." Xander pointed out.
"Good point." Faith allowed, realizing the situation would likely escalate. "Let's see what we can find." She got up to lead the way out of the kitchen."
"Just follow the voice." The scullery maid advised. "I hope you can find whoever it is."
The two stepped outside and listened to the babble of voices around them. After a moment, they both nodded. "Garden."
As they entered the garden, they saw the princess they had met earlier that afternoon. She was looking about in confusion and growing concern. The rabbit that they'd watched follow her around earlier was being held protectively in her arms.
"I had a rabbit once," a voice called. "Had him with mash and mushy peas."
"Might not be safe here. Come on." Xander put a hand on the princess' shoulder. "Let's find your dad." He led her out of the garden while Faith looked around. They heard the voice one last time.
"Oh, it's the lady hero. You're not going to start droning on about equal pay for equal work are you?"
"I'll keep looking. You get the princess somewhere safe." Faith turned back into the garden, and began trying to zero in on the source of the voice. It was oddly difficult to localize, but three insults later she was staring incredulously at a garden gnome. "You've got some nerve insulting other people's looks."
"Looking for adventure?" The gnome asked. "Why don't you sit on my big pointy hat?"
OOOOOOOOOO
"Hey Dad!" The princess ran toward the man giving instructions to a group of soldiers he had gathered in the courtyard.
"There you are," the king sighed in relief. "I was starting to worry with this intruder loose in the castle." He noticed Xander. "And you are?"
"Xander Harris, Your Majesty. My friend and I were passing through your kingdom and met the princess here. She was kind enough to offer us a meal. It seems, though, that we might be able to help you now."
"Oh?"
"Faith is trying to find your unwanted guest." He allowed a small smirk. "She's generally pretty good at finding trouble."
"Well, we'll take what help we can get at this point." He glanced down at his daughter and noticed the way the rabbit was acting. "Is something wrong with Clover?"
"Your intruder felt it necessary to share his recipe for rabbit stew." Xander explained. The king winced. "No worries, princess. We'll find him. I-" A familiar voice cut him off. It was shouting at someone.
"Let's see if we can corner him." Xander suggested and followed the voice. The king gestured for his soldiers to follow. Following the voice through an arch and past a fountain, they soon came upon a very irritated looking man in a robe standing near the castle's stables.
"Cedric," the king called. "I hope you've been making yourself useful and tracking our annoying visitor."
"I can help you find what you're looking for," the voice called. "Step one. Pull your head out of your ass!"
"Ahem." Cedric interrupted whatever the king would have said to that and pointed up.
Following his finger, they saw a small figure hiding in the shadow of a balcony. The group stared, not quite sure what to make of the sight before them.
"Is that a gnome?" Xander asked, eyeing the revolting little thing. The curly toed shoes and pointy red hat tended to support that conclusion. It wasn't moving, but insults continued to drop from its stone lips.
"Yes." Cedric nodded. "Though not a variety I'm familiar with."
"I wish we weren't familiar with this one." One of the soldiers was heard to mutter.
"Cedric," the king began.
"Of course, Your Majesty." He raised a wand.
"Careful of this one, Your Majesty," the gnome said. "He's got true evil in his soul. I can smell it."
Cedric paused. "Huh?"
"Oh, no, wait. That's his breath!" The gnome's cackling was interrupted by a powerful blasting hex. The gnome did not shatter, but it was silent a moment. "Oh! You're a naughty one."
Another spell struck the thing square in the face. "Ohhh! I've never had it this good!"
He tried a different spell. "Ahhh. Someday, you'll make someone a fine wife." The gnome taunted.
"Enough." Faith appeared, grabbing the irate sorcerer's arm. "You're not beating him up, you're beating him off."
Cedric turned bright red at the words. He shoved his embarrassment aside and examined the gnome with a critical eye. "It seems these things are made to be resistant to most kinds of magic." He began reviewing all he knew about animation magic, trying to think of a suitable counter-spell to silence the gnome.
"Made?" The king asked.
"Most assuredly, Majesty. Nothing natural about this thing."
"So there's no need to feel bad about this?" Faith held up the head of the gnome from the garden.
The gnome on the wall gasped. "Reggie! You monster!"
"Oh, shut up." Faith took aim and shattered the gnome with a well-aimed throw.
"That looked very satisfying," the king noted.
"Plenty of the little pests left." She shrugged. "Grab a mace and have a party." The suggestion made the king and several of his soldiers laugh.
"I just may."
