The Avengers Whump and Bromance Anthology
The Asgard Flu
Whumptober 2020
PenPatronus
Thor hadn't spoken to his mortal human friends in several weeks and decided that he missed the tacos that Natasha made for the team every Tuesday night. So, he left Asgard and showed up just in time for dinner, empty stomach rumbling. But, there was nobody home. Assuming they were out on a mission, Thor asked Stark's Computer Thing where they were. "I'm afraid they're at the hospital," JARVIS reported.
"What? Were they all wounded in battle?" the Asgardian asked, instantly feeling guilty for not being there for his teammates. He needed Stark to make him an intergalactic cellular telephone.
"No, Sir," the AI continued, "they are AT the hospital. It is Captain Rogers who is IN the hospital and has been for over a week."
"What's wrong with Rogers?"
"Unknown. The captain's condition is confounding every physician."
Thor sighed. "I should see my friend. Where is this hospital?"
Tony sat on Steve's hospital bed with his arms wrapped around his friend's stomach from behind, holding Steve upright as he coughed and spat blood into a plastic bucket. When the blood slowed down, the vomit returned, and Steve nearly filled the bucket with half-digested fluids. When it was over, he coughed into his hand, and then collapsed back against Tony's chest, exhausted. Tony gently patted Steve's forearm. "That was rough," he said, eyebrows together with both empathy and worry. "You all right?"
Steve nodded. "Mouthwash," he requested. "Water…"
"Yeah. All right, buddy, let me set you back down." Tony gently adjusted Steve's body until he was lying on his back with the rear of the mattress elevated. He got several cups of water and just brought the whole bottle of mouthwash out of the bathroom along with an armful of towels. Steve rinsed his mouth clean three times, and then took just a few sips of water. Tony had to hold the cups the whole time. Steve didn't have the strength for it. A nurse came and took the bucket away and Tony used the towels to clean off Steve's skin and hospital gown.
Steve was watching him with bloodshot, red-rimmed eyes. "Tony."
"Yeah, buddy?"
"I'm tired."
"I know, Steve… I know."
"No, I mean I'm tired of…" Rogers gestured at the whole room. "All this."
Tony ceased eye contact. "We'll get you home, soon. You'll rest easier there."
Steve just stared at his friend. He watched him fumble with his shirt sleeve, tug on his sneaker, chew his fingernail… "Tony… I'm exhausted. It's getting harder."
"What is?"
"Staying awake," Steve whispered. "Staying here. Just… Staying."
Tony felt like his Adam's apple doubled in size. His skin flushed and his eyes burned. "I want you to stay," he whispered. "I need you to stay."
Time passed. Tony looked at Steve's face and was unsurprised to see his eyes closed. He sat back down in his chair, froze for a moment, then bent forward, put his elbows on his knees, and put his face in his hands. "God, Cap," he sighed, "what are we going to do?"
A knock on the door. Natasha peeked inside, looked at Steve, and then waved for Tony to come out. The whole team was in the hall, including Thor. Tony gave his teammate a grateful nod, glad that he was there. A team of six doctors was there, too. The lead physician started off by saying, "I wish I had better news."
Barton snorted and folded his arms. Natasha rubbed her eyes and Bruce put his glasses in his pocket. Clint put his hand on Natasha's shoulder.
"His organs are shutting down," the doctor continued, "and there are perforations in them I can't explain. His bone density is down, his spine is twisting, his nails are falling out—"
"His nails are falling out?" Thor interrupted. Tony and Bruce shushed him. "No, friends, wait. What are his other symptoms?"
The doctor returned to his list. "Fatigue, aches, his hair is falling out, unexplained weight loss, and rashes in the shape of—"
"The shape of a four-leaf clover?" Thor asked. Everyone turned to stare at him. "He has the Asgard flu. Classic symptoms."
Tony's face turned red. "WHAT?"
"It's not that bad. Most people on Asgard get it at least once. It's always caught before it gets to stage two. Rogers is definitely in stage four."
"Not that bad?" Barton demanded. "He's bleeding internally! He's – He's dying!"
"Not that bad for… for Asgardians I should, um, specify." Thor shrunk back. "I'm immune to it, had it as a boy, but I can be a carrier. I must have, um, carried it to… him. If he wasn't Captain America he'd probably be dead by now."
Tony punched Thor in the arm, and it was not a playful punch. "What's the cure?"
"I know not." Thor shrugged. "I'll return to Asgard and get it, immediately. Pray it works on him."
Thor returned that evening with an elixir to be injected into Rogers' blood. It was a bottled miracle. Within hours, Steve's weight returned, his hair grew back, his organs healed… He was his whole and complete healthy self again, and more. Every nick and bruise and scar on his body healed perfectly. Scans even showed that his appendix had regrown.
The team was in the hospital room with Steve, celebrating with crackers and Coke from the vending machine, thanking Thor, watching Steve's muscles reinflate… And then Steve suddenly went quiet. He asked them to look aside for a moment and when they looked back, Steve's face was red.
"What is it?" Tony asked. "Are you ok?"
"I'm, uh…" Steve glared at Thor. "Let's just say this worked too well. I, uh," Rogers cleared his throat, "I'm… un-circumcised."
Tony started laughing first, and it turned into a howl. The team laughed so hard for so long that the nurses came in to tell them to shut up.
The End
