Episode 39 - Eight(een) is Enough
In a dimensional plane not our own, a group of beings were convening. They had gathered to discuss their possible next move...Or rather, they would be, if eight of their number would stop laughing for a moment so some form of discussion could take place. The laughing group in question comprised eight of the eleven Angels that had been defeated strictly by NERV's Evangelions, made up of Sachiel through Sahaquiel; the five who were not amused, since they were the ones being laughed at, comprised Iruel, Bardiel, Zeruel, Arael, and Armisael, all of whom had been defeated through little involvement of the Evangelions due to the intervention of Freakazoid and friends. For those five, they had been rather...embarrassing defeats.
"ENOUGH!" Zeruel roared out in frustration, causing the others to quiet down a bit.
"Have you all got that out of your systems?" Armisael asked. "In case you've forgotten, we've got important things to talk about."
"*Snicker* Yes, yes, I think we're all quite good," Shamshel replied in that haughty, snooty voice of hers.
"Still, you gotta admit, Armie, you kinda dropped the ball when you had your chance-literally," Sachiel said, causing the others to try and stifle more laughter from the pun he just used.
"*HHHHH* Be that as it may," Armisael began to say, "with Tabris's defeat, it's very much official-our opportunities to initiate an impact and reunite with the All-Father have been used up."
"More like wasted," Iruel complained bitterly. "I told you we should have strategized beforehand instead of just going in there with guns blazing each time!"
"Don't be moanin' and groanin' to us," Sandalphon said, "you fellers didn't take that Freakawhosits into account. I mean how were you's s'posed to know about some Lilim havin' superpowers?"
"Eh, you eight were lucky, compared to us," Bardiel responded, also with a tinge of bitterness. "At least you faced the humans when they were on their own. Soon as Iruel makes his attempt, BOOM! Things get screwy from there! And now look at us: out of we seven, Leiliel's gone native, Arael's lost his mind-"
The others turned to notice the aforementioned Arael, all huddled up in a corner, rocking back and forth as he kept muttering the same thing over and over:
"B-b-b-bird-bird-bird, bird is the word..."
(At some point, Arael had decided to self-destruct in an attempt to silence the song that Freakazoid had stuck in his head. Unfortunately, it was still there even when he returned to the present plane of existence its brethren dwelt in.)
"-And progenitor knows where Tabris got whisked away to!" Bardiel finished as he threw whatever approximated his hands in the air.
-X-
Undisclosed location, around the same time...
Candle Jack and Kaworu/Tabris were sitting on a couch in the former's dwelling, a plate of nachos on the coffee table in front of them as they watched TV, laughing at the Seinfeld rerun that was currently playing. In the time that had passed following the 17th Angel's anticlimactic defeat in Terminal Dogma, he'd been introduced by the oddball bogeyman to the wonders of TV reruns, along with some good current fare.
"Pfff-ha ha ha ha ha!" Kaworu/Tabris laughed as he saw antics involving Kramer and Newman. "I swear, the key to this show has got to be Kramer, no wonder it's so humorous!"
"See? I told you you'd enjoy this," Candle Jack said as he reached for another nacho.
"Oh, I was wrong, so wrong," Kaworu/Tabris commented as his right hand pointed at the TV set, "THIS is the crowning achievement of Lilim civilization."
"If you think that's good," Candle Jack started to say, "then just wait till I introduce you to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."
-X-
"Still, there must be something we can try," Iruel pondered.
"Agreed," Zeruel concurred. "I feel like we were cheated! There must be something we can do to initiate an impact, AND avenge our humiliating losses!"
"Perhaps we could send Baraqijal or Iblis," Armisael suggested. "I'm sure either of them could succeed where we failed."
"You mean those two weenies?" Sachiel responded sarcastically. "They bolted the minute they heard Tabris was beaten. Said they didn't want to take any chance going up against the freakish Lilim."
Ramiel at that point spoke up. "Well, there's always...the 'nuclear option'."
The others stared at the 5th Angel, 'wide-eyed', on hearing his suggestion.
"You mean-?" Matarael started to ask.
"No way-" Israfel added.
"You're not seriously-" Sahaquiel threw in.
"...HIM?" Shamshel finally asked. "You can't be possibly suggesting-"
"What is it that the Lilim say?" Ramiel countered. "'Desperate times, desperate measures.' At the very least, the Lilim's fighting abilities may be either considerably weakened by the attempt or put out of action entirely as a result. We'll have some consolation in that sense."
"True, but still..." Shamshel replied. "You can't seriously be considering sending him in."
"And why shouldn't I?" Ramiel asked incredulously.
"For one thing, he's a gullible imbecile!" Shamshel argued. "For another, that's why we have a whole 100-page list of reasons why we don't send him in!"
The other Angels conferred among themselves as they weighed Shamshel's argument.
"SILENCE!" Zeruel roared, causing the rest to pipe down. "Ramiel is right! With him, we have one last shot to remake the Earth to our liking, so we must take it! Now, are there any more naysayers bold enough to speak otherwise...?"
The other Angels looked at one another with a slight sense of trepidation before facing Zeruel and Ramiel, each one giving a slight shake of their heads indicating 'no'.
"Very well," Ramiel said. "Armisael, go awaken him. Tell him it is his turn to attempt a reunion with the All-Father."
Armisael nodded and slithered off to go alert this mysterious, previously-unknown-to-us brethren of theirs, the whole time hoping that the big lummox wouldn't overwhelm him with his enthusiasm for finally getting a time to shine. That level of enthusiasm tended to leave the 16th Angel very...flat.
"If they now truly think themselves unbeatable, then the Lilim will be sorely mistaken," Zeruel said forebodingly. "For their Dead Sea Scrolls never said anything about them facing an eighteenth Angel..."
Tokyo-3, the following day...
For the most part, the day had been quiet, boring, relatively peaceful. But as living in Tokyo-3 would tell you, there were big exceptions, and they usually reared their ugly heads as soon as the sound of the Angel alert system blared throughout the city streets and in every building. Right when they sounded, the civilian population all let out one collective exasperated sigh, followed by a mild face-palming, before getting up and hurrying on their way to the shelters.
At NERV HQ, the staff and pilots immediately scrambled to their stations, though for some key personnel, more than a few questions were on their minds. Some were voiced as soon as the MAGI had picked up a pattern blue in its scans.
"Rits, what's going on?!" Misato asked in a whisper, wanting to avoid drawing attention from the commanders. "I thought there were only supposed to be seventeen Angels! What gives?!"
"Trust me, for once I'm just as clueless as you are," Ritsuko replied, also in hushed tones. "I've seen the Dead Sea Scrolls enough times to know there should be just seventeen, I don't understand what the deal is!"
Up on the command perch, the similar questions were being exchanged between the two commanders.
"Ikari, just what is going on?" Fuyutsuki asked in a hushed whisper. "We've been over the Scrolls many times, the prophecy specified seventeen messengers!"
"Sensei, for once I haven't a clue," Gendo replied as he shook his head. "All I can conclude is that it would appear the Dead Sea Scrolls aren't as infallible as we believed them to be, and this unexpected incursion proves as such."
Meanwhile, the pilots were pondering the situation as they made their way to the EVA cages.
"This is insane!" Asuka said. "I thought we'd gone through all the Angels! With that Twilight reject out of the way we were supposed to be home free, for the most part!"
"I know!" Shinji concurred hurriedly, "Rei, do you have any idea why-?"
"I may," Rei answered quickly. "Through my limited connection to Lilith, I have been afforded some brief insight. It appears the defeated Angels are making one last attempt, and they've sent one they consider their last resort."
Both Shinji and Asuka swallowed a bit on hearing that last part, just as Toji caught up with them.
"Yo, what're you guys talkin' about?" he asked.
"Nothing!" the two of them replied quickly as all four reached the cages and started making their way into their respective entry plugs. As soon as Misato gave the word, the four EVAs were rocketed up to the surface outside the city, and each made their way to a weapons locker. Not long after they'd equipped themselves, the Freakazord appeared. Its two pilots were just as confused as everyone at NERV by what was happening.
"Seriously, I thought we had the Angel business out of the way!" Freakazoid said.
"Yeah, what's the big idea?" Freakazette asked. "I thought it was 'beat the remaining Angels, beat SEELE and Gendo, big victory parade, peace on earth'."
"Looks like wee're not the only ones who can be unpredictable," R.O.D.D.Y. surmised. "We gettin' anything on screen yet?"
"Almost..." Naoko answered. "Just finishing my analysis, and the target's getting closer."
All eyes turned towards the direction of very large footsteps, as an immense bulk became more visible with each step. As it came closer, a few mouths hung open when all onlookers got a clearer view of the behemoth. What surprised them, frankly, about the creature's appearance was how...basic it looked.
The Angel was a bipedal thing, with two large horns sticking out of each side of its head, bringing the minotaur of ancient Greek myth to mind. Its belly had a bit of a paunch, and its face was comprised of one cyclopean eye and a big mouth full of sharp-looking teeth. The core was visible atop its head, looking almost like a shiny red beanie. The Angel let out a loud, fierce roar that shook some of the buildings in the area.
A pinging on one of the consoles of the bridge brought everybody's attention away from the creature momentarily.
"MAGI's finished its analysis!" Maya reported.
"What's the verdict?" Misato asked.
"Pattern's blue, MAGI has designated it the 18th Angel," Maya replied. "Codename...Schlemiel?!"
A number of large sweat drops appeared by the side of almost everyone's head upon hearing that, even those of the Freaks in the Freakazord.
A perplexed Fuyutsuki leaned over to Gendo. "...The Angel of Fools?" the former professor wondered in a slight whisper. Gendo merely responded with a grunt and a shrug of his shoulders.
Back on the battlefield, the newly-named Schlemiel roared again and beat his chest like a gorilla, almost as if it were talking a big game, daring anyone to face it. It wouldn't have to wait long for a challenger.
Rei, in Unit-00, motioned for the others to stay back. "Leave this one to me," she said, a determined expression on her face.
The others blinked, dumbfounded, before one of them spoke up.
"Are you out of your mind?!" Asuka asked concernedly.
"I am not," Rei answered confidently. "I actually have a strategy I had been meaning to try against an Angel for some time now."
"What kind of strategy?" Shinji asked.
"It is something I had been thinking of after seeing some of those older, pre-Second Impact animated cartoons you showed me," Rei replied, "along with the old slapstick comedies we watched with Toji a while back. It is also why you've seen those ACME catalogs around my apartment." Rei then addressed the bridge. "Lt. Ibuki, could you please input code 13-8-9-24-38 and have my custom weapons locker sent up here?"
After briefly giving her fellow bridge bunnies, Ritsuko, and Misato a perplexed look, Maya did as Rei asked and keyed in the code described.
Rei has a custom weapons locker? a confused Ritsuko wondered to herself.
When did she start buying from ACME? Misato also wondered to herself.
Soon a weapons locker appeared nearby, and Unit-00 walked over to it. The blue EVA opened it up and took a couple of items out that it then donned: an EVA-sized Spanish matador's cap and red satin cape, which it draped over its right shoulder and arm. Unit-00 then strolled over to another spot some yards away from the locker and got into a bullfighter's stance. It then snapped its fingers, drawing the attention of Schlemiel.
When the Angel looked its way, it immediately took notice of the cape's red color. Schlemiel grunted, puffed some steam out of its 'nostrils', ground one of its feet a bit, and then immediately ran towards Unit-00, horns forward. Rei stood there, unmoving, an almost-fearless look on her face. Finally, at the last minute, when Schlemiel was just a few feet away, Unit-00 then held up the cape to its right side with both hands. When everyone expected Schlemiel to just plow right through the cape as if it were tissue paper, they were taken by great surprise when the creature slammed into something solid with a loud *CLANG*, causing it to fall onto its back, dazed. Akin to a stage magician, Unit-00 pulled the cape aside, revealing an ACME giant-sized progressive anvil that had been quickly sent topside by a command entered by Rei.
Everyone watching this unfold just stared, speechless. (Yes, even the Freaks.)
Schlemiel wobbled back upright and shook its head to regain its bearings. When it did, Unit-00 swiftly stuck a fake nose onto the space between the Angel's eye and upper lip. Schlemiel scratched its head, confused, before Unit-00 then did something even more confusing. It flattened its right hand and put it, fingertips perfectly straight and level, in front of the Angel's face. The Angel focused on the flat hand and never took its eye off it, as Rei then moved the EVA's hand to the side. Schlemiel followed it, and kept following it as Rei then moved it to the other side, then down, and finally up. Rei kept the hand up there for a minute before quickly bringing the hand down as it plucked Schlemiel's 'nose' with a *HONK!*. Schlemiel, taken by surprise, jumped to its feet as it ran its hands over its face in rapid succession in a very Curly manner (even making annoyed grunts akin to those of the famous Stooge).
On the bridge, the silence was briefly broken when all ears noticed the faint sound of someone trying to stifle a laugh. Said someone, as they turned to look, was revealed to be Maya, a hand over her mouth as she desperately attempted to keep a laugh from coming out.
Schlemiel quickly looked around, hankering for another round with Unit-00, only to once again be surprised as the blue EVA quickly stuck something in its hands. The object in question looked like a gigantic candy box. "Candygram," Rei said through the EVA's speakers, before Unit-00 stepped back a ways and stuck a finger in each audio receptor. Schlemiel, confused at first and unknowing of the box's contents, licked its lips eagerly before opening it up. A very loud *KABLAM!* was heard as the box exploded in the Angel's face, covering it with black soot and ashes.
On the bridge again, Maya tried stifling her laughter at the sight of this, only to be joined by a snickering Shigeru and Asuka (in Unit-02).
Schlemiel shook it off as an angry scowl returned to its face, and yet again turned its focus to Unit-00. Rei, however, never gave the Angel a moment to react as it quickly pulled up a couple of enormous stools and a giant table, seating a confused Schlemiel on one side while she sat on the other. On the table were a couple of large bowls filled with water, and Rei had begun giving Schlemiel a manicure with a giant ACME progressive nail file. After a couple of minutes spent filing away at the creature's fingernails, Rei put the nail file aside and moved the two bowls in front of Schlemiel, urging it to 'dip its patties in the water'. Schlemiel, briefly looking our way, shrugged and did so, at which point a loud *SNAP* was heard.
"YEEEEOOOOWWWW!" Schlemiel cried as it jumped up in pained surprise. When it held up its hands, it revealed a couple of ACME giant-size progressive mousetraps it had unwittingly sprung, which it then violently shook off and flung to the side, leaving only the red, throbbing, swollen fingers.
This time in Central Dogma, Misato and Ritsuko were doing their best not to lose it in front of everyone, even as it became more difficult to do so. The same was true for Shinji and Toji as they struggled to keep their mouths shut as laughs tried to escape.
Schlemiel turned to renew its attempt to take its opponent down, grinding its teeth with frustration. That frustration soon disappeared as it was again met by Unit-00, standing with both hands behind its back.
"Watch my thumb," Rei said through the EVA's speakers as Unit-00 then held its left thumb outward and to the side. Schlemiel, befuddled, complied and kept its focus on the left thumb; because of this, it failed to notice the blue EVA bringing an ACME prog mallet held in its right hand down onto the Angel's head with a hard *BONK!*. Schlemiel, a dazed, dopey grin on its face, its tongue partly sticking out, staggered about as stars and tweeting birds danced around its head. Were one to look closer, they would notice that the cracks that had formed on the Angel's core (initially when it slammed into the hidden anvil) had gotten bigger from the mallet blow.
Unable to hold it in any longer, those on the bridge watching the 'fight' (save for Gendo and Fuyutsuki, staring as they were, completely dumbfounded) burst into laughter, a few techs even falling out of their chairs in the process. The other EVA pilots were just as caught up in the cacophony of laughter as the bridge staff were, to the point where even Yui and Kyoko, within the cores of their respective children's EVAs, could barely stand up, as they too were laughing quite hard. Meanwhile, in the Freakazord, the two Freaks were actually whistling and applauding at Rei. Unknown to everyone, all the other defeated Angels, observing from their dimensional plane, did a collective face-palming, regretting their choice to send Schlemiel out against the Lilim.
Time for the 'grand finale', Rei thought to herself as she got Unit-00 into position.
She carefully placed a large flatbed trailer right in the path of the staggering Schlemiel, just as the big lug stepped onto it with its right foot. Unit-00 then gave Schlemiel a 'gentle' push, and the beast soon flew straight towards a small course that Rei had quickly set up. Schlemiel, a shocked look on its face, couldn't do anything but flail about as it tried keeping its balance. The path it was on soon took it towards the largest of the three Lake Ashis, at which point the progress of the trailer it had been using as an improvised, over-sized roller skate was halted by a sudden stop that flung the giant off. Schlemiel sailed into the air, the arc it was in taking it to a small island that hadn't been in the middle of the lake before (since Rei had also set it up earlier in the fight, when the Angel was dazed, using an ACME 'Instant Bulls-Island' kit). Said 'island' looked like a big bullseye, one that had, to Schlemiel's sudden realization, a ticking N2 mine right in the center-which its landing, in addition to fully-cracking the core that was the top of its head, proceeded to then set off.
*KABOOOOMMM!*
When the explosion subsided and the dust settled, all that was left of Schlemiel were its two horns, which hung in mid-air for a tiny bit before falling unceremoniously to the ground.
Overjoyed at the sight of the Angel's defeat, the whole of Central Dogma erupted into cheers and applause, joined by the other three EVA pilots and the Freaks in the Freakazord, all while Rei's EVA took its bows. Gendo, pinching the bridge of his nose in slight exasperation, got up from his command perch and left the bridge, Fuyutsuki following him.
Rei, for the most part, was smiling with satisfaction within the entry plug. Just before the 'iris out' closed in on her, she looked our way.
"That is all, folks," she said, followed by a wink of her eye.
To be continued...
**Author's Note(s)**
A bit of lighthearted, pure, unadulterated slapstick before we start getting into the End of Evangelion portion of the story.
Hopefully you didn't overlook the preceding chapter, which was the final musical interlude in our tale.
The chapter's title is a play on the 80's sitcom Eight is Enough.
Baraqijal and Iblis, as mentioned so many chapters ago, were the two Angels created exclusively for The NERV White Paper, the RPG that Marie Vincennes debuted in.
Speaking of original Angels, my creation here, Schlemiel, is named for the Yiddish word for idiot. He's meant to basically be a cross between the bull from the Looney Tunes short "A Bully for Bugs" and Curly Howard, with a bit of Mongo from Blazing Saddles.
The input code Rei gives to Maya is a combination of the production number and theatrical release date for the 1938 Looney Tunes short "Porky in Wackyland".
Rei's method of defeating Schlemiel relies on a combination of the moves Bugs Bunny used in "A Bully for Bugs", the exploding candygram gimmick from Blazing Saddles, a couple of moves out of many a Three Stooges short, and a Bugs move from 1946's Hair-Raising Hare.
And lastly, the final bit with Rei (utilizing the Iris Out transition-see TVTropes for more) sees her quoting, in her own way, the signature exit line of many a Looney Tunes short.
On a different note, last Saturday was definitely cause for minor celebration, as Freakazoid returned to TV for the first time in over 23 years!...The catch being as a crossover with Teen Titans Go!. Reportedly, the folks behind the show sent a script to Paul Rugg that won him over, so he, Ed Asner (happy 91st birthday!), David Warner, and Joe Leahy returned to bring Freakazoid's particular brand of wackiness to the already-wackier take on the beloved Teen Titans cartoon.
