Kalran was beginning to regret ever reluctantly agreeing to this. Well, beginning was the wrong word, really. She'd been regretting it since before she'd even said yes, but she couldn't bear to let Ilkiss down. How could she refuse one of the Yeerks who'd once been like the Kandrona's light itself for her, without at least trying to get to know Tamhet better? She couldn't deny missing Ilkiss, although she also couldn't picture being with him with any other third than Oglud, either.
She'd been adamant that she wasn't ready for anything approaching an interaction between mates, insisting they just meet as friends. She'd decided the safest bet was to have other Yeerks around, and plenty of them. A party at the apartment fitted the bill. Kalran glanced towards the door as Tamhet launched into yet another long story about her accomplishments in her human job, wondering idly when Akhir and Jasmine might get here. They had Maya to get ready for bed first, of course: they were leaving her in Geltrin's care, but Jasmine didn't want to leave him with too much to do.
"So, that was how I earned my third promotion," Tamhet finished. She smiled at Kalran from her position snuggled close to Ilkiss' side. "And you? You work in research now, is that true?"
Kalran nodded. "Yes. Medical research. We're looking at cancer causes, among other things."
Tamhet nodded. "Very valuable work. I'm sure the humans must be very appreciative of our help in fields like that."
Shifting uncomfortably, Kalran replied: "I'm sure a human scientist could do my work just as well. Better, probably."
"You're too modest, Kalran," Ilkiss said softly. "You bring a unique talent to any team, Yeerk or human."
Despite herself, Kalran flushed at the praise. Tamhet smiled. "Ilkiss has told me a lot about your intelligence," Tamhet said softly. "He's right, you must be a real asset to them."
Kalran wished the ground could swallow her up. Thankfully, Alniss cut in before she had to respond.
"How is your work, Ilkiss?" she asked gently.
Kalran took the opportunity to help herself to a handful of caramel popcorn while he answered, the crunchy texture and sweetness on her tongue calming her. She wasn't sure whether Alniss sensed her nervousness, but she seemed to keep talking for a while, telling Ilkiss all about the goings-on at the café. Alniss had now finally recruited another staff member, Gareth. He was a voluntary host of a friend of a friend of Akhir's, who'd been out of work since his manager had found out his voluntary status. Gareth had worked in marketing, so the job wasn't exactly his field or his pay grade, but he'd just been grateful for the work.
"It's a shame," Alniss was saying. "The few times we've had to have him working out front he's been a natural at it, the customers love him. He's really friendly. But I don't dare have him out there too much, in case someone recognises him."
Kalran nodded. "That must be hard for Gareth, too. Knowing he can't do the part of the job he's best at. Aren't he and Hilran coming tonight?"
Hilran was Gareth's Yeerk, who Kalran had never actually met, although Alniss had received a beautiful painting in the post from him a couple of weeks after Gareth had started at the café, along with an effusive thank-you card.
"No. One of Hilran's mates is visiting. They sent him up near New York, so they can't often all spend time together." Alniss said sadly. "Don't think Gareth wanted to come alone, either."
Thankfully for Kalran, the topic was followed up by Tamhet asking what Alniss had done in the war, and she was able to sit back a little until the buzzer rang. Kalran instantly shot up to answer it, then on impulse decided to walk down the staircase to meet Akhir and Jasmine on their way up. She really needed a few moments to herself.
She was very relieved to see Akhir's face when the two rounded a turn in the staircase towards her.
"Evening," Akhir said with a smile. "I'm sorry we're late, Kalran."
"Oh, no, not at all," Kalran replied. "Hey, Jaz. How are you?"
"I'm okay." Jasmine smiled. "Thank you for inviting me."
"Not at all, I'm really glad you could make it."
"Is Carla there?" Jasmine asked softly.
"She's at work, she'll be along later," Kalran said slowly. She wasn't sure whether Jasmine was hoping she would be there, to save being the sole human, or hoping that she wouldn't be. The two didn't always get along. "I'm afraid you're the only human until then. You don't mind that, do you?"
"Oh, no," Jasmine said, sounding surprised. "Not at all. Unless… you'd rather it only be…"
"No, of course not! You're very welcome, it's lovely to see you. I always enjoy being around you." Kalran sighed. "Unlike certain Yeerks I could mention."
Akhir smiled, though it was tinged with sadness. "It's going well, then?"
"Brilliantly," Kalran muttered sarcastically. "She's fully understood that I want to meet as friends and isn't trying to pull me in to anything else at all. I should never have agreed to meet them." She sighed, looking at Akhir. "I'm just glad you're here."
"I'm glad to be here," Akhir responded. "Although I'm not sure I can be much help. We should probably go up, though, before they wonder where we are."
Reluctantly, Kalran led the way back up the stairs and into the apartment. She took as long as she could over Jasmine's glass of wine and Akhir's Coke, but eventually had to rejoin the group.
"It's good to see you again, Akhir," Ilkiss was saying warmly. "Thank you for coming, that day."
"It was nothing," Akhir said modestly. "This is my Ja- I mean, this is Jasmine. She was my host."
Jasmine smiled softly at her Yeerk before turning to Ilkiss. "It's nice to meet you."
Ilkiss nodded. "You, too. Kalran's told me you've been helping with the campaign for Oglud. Thank you. That means so much to us."
"No problem," Jasmine murmured.
Turning to Tamhet, Ilkiss added: "This is my mate, Tamhet eight-one-nine of the Sulp Niar pool."
"Greetings again, Akhir," Tamhet said expectantly.
Kalran opened her mouth to snap at her. It was obvious what she was waiting for, to any Yeerk at any rate: the traditional greeting, which was always given by the subordinate Yeerk. She was still bothering about rank, then, but apparently only with Akhir. Tamhet had been much more relaxed when she'd been introduced to Hallim and Alniss, both of whose ranks were far more obviously below her own, as they'd only had Hork-Bajir hosts.
Akhir gritted her teeth: she'd clearly noticed, too. "May the Kandrona shine and strengthen you, Tamhet."
"And you," Tamhet replied, smug and triumphant. Turning to Kalran, she gave her another one of the sickeningly sweet smiles Kalran was learning to hate. "I've been sampling your delicious canapes. I had no idea you were such a talented chef."
"Some of them are Alniss'," Kalran replied, unable to keep the anger out of her voice. "About half of them, actually. Probably the tastier half."
"Never mind that," Akhir said suddenly, her voice colder than Kalran had ever heard it. "You haven't greeted Jasmine yet, Tamhet. Did you even realise that?"
Oh. Even Kalran hadn't noticed Tamhet had ignored Jasmine until Akhir pointed it out, and immediately felt guilty. Yeerks got so used to talking to each other when hosted, only knowing the hosts' names when they were needed for cover purposes, that it was easy not to see when a human had been missed out.
"It doesn't matter, tamli," Jasmine said quickly, her tone pacifying.
"Yes, it does. You matter."
"Oh!" Tamhet turned to Jasmine, smiling in the way Kalran hated. "I'm so sorry. Jasmine, wasn't it? I can only apologise to you. I'm still struggling to shake off some of the ways of doing things in the Empire. It is nice to meet you."
Jasmine nodded. "It's okay. It's easily done, you were all so used to talking through us, er, before. What did you do, back then? Did you have a human host?"
Tamhet hesitated, but only for a moment. "Several." She hung her head. "I deeply regret what I did to them. I never had the courage that Kalran and Ilkiss did." Her voice choked slightly, and Ilkiss reached to put a comforting arm around her shoulders.
"Who were they? If you don't mind me asking?"
"I can't talk about them." Tears began to track their way down Tamhet's cheeks. "Please."
"Okay. Sorry, Tamhet," Jasmine said hurriedly. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"It's fine," Tamhet said. "I deserve it."
Jasmine glanced at Akhir uncertainly. Kalran's own thoughts were confused too: she didn't much like Tamhet, but she hated seeing any Yeerk distressed like this. She recognised the emotion, she'd felt it often enough herself despite her peace movement membership.
"I understand your pain," she said eventually, her better instincts winning. "I feel so guilty myself, that I followed the Empire for as long as I did."
"Oh," Tamhet said, wiping at her eyes. "Thank you for being so understanding."
"I'm so sorry," Jasmine murmured, reaching out hesitantly to touch Tamhet's arm. "I shouldn't have said anything."
Tamhet nodded. "Perhaps you should think more carefully before you speak, Jasmine, but it's no matter. I forgive you."
Akhir frowned. "What for? Jasmine asked a perfectly reasonable question. You're upset because of your own actions in the war, which Kandrona knows I understand," she added, her voice softening. "I feel so guilty myself. It's hardly Jaz's fault for asking about it, though."
Tamhet hesitated a moment, looking searchingly at Akhir and then glancing at Kalran and Ilkiss. "Perhaps not," she admitted. "Although you did apologise, Jasmine, so I assumed you sought forgiveness."
"No, you're right," Jasmine said submissively. "I should have thought more carefully about how it might make you feel."
Tamhet smiled another smile Kalran didn't like, for reasons she couldn't quite fathom. "It's fine." She turned again, back towards Akhir. "I don't think you told me where you work now," she said, more smoothly, wiping away her tears. "I know you were a Pool guard in the war." Tamhet gave the words 'Pool guard' a disdainful inflection, as though it were a role anyone would be ashamed to have.
"I work as an administration assistant for a charity," Akhir said slowly.
"A secretary, then," Tamhet said, her tone ever-so-slightly dismissive. "Kalran's just been telling us about her research. It sounds fascinating, and so complex."
Kalran opened her mouth to say something: she didn't like the way Tamhet had juxtaposed their careers like that, it was almost like she was trying to make Akhir feel inadequate. She wasn't sure how best to address it, though, and hesitated.
"What's wrong with that?" Jasmine cut into the gap, her tone icy. "My Akhir helps so many people who really need it. What job do you do that's so wonderful you can criticise her?"
"I wasn't criticising," Tamhet said, looking shocked. "I only-"
"Yes, you were," Jasmine snapped.
"Jasmine," Akhir murmured, her tone gentle yet restraining.
"Well, I really admire the work Akhir does," Kalran said quickly, trying to send her friend a reassuring smile. "I can handle chemicals and cells easily enough, but I wouldn't know what to do taking a phone call from someone who was very distressed, which you must do often, schrellatie?"
Akhir nodded, though she didn't quite meet anyone's eyes.
"Akhir?" Kalran reached to touch her friend's arm, concerned. "Are you alright?"
Akhir nodded. "I'm fine."
Before Kalran could speak, Jasmine jumped in to ask how Hallim's work was going, then Alniss' café, taking the focus determinedly away from her Yeerk and keeping it there with a barrage of questions. Eventually, she turned to Kalran herself, asking about the progress of her research with genuine interest. Jasmine's depth of insight was surprising for someone with relatively little formal scientific education, and Kalran almost forgot Tamhet's presence as she explained the questions she was working on now.
"How about you?" Kalran asked eventually. "Have you thought more about college?"
Jasmine nodded. "Kelly sent me through some information about funding, scholarships and the like. It does look doable, financially." She glanced at Akhir, smiling gently at her. "Although it would probably be impossible, if it was just me."
Kalran smiled too, registering the small glow of pride on Akhir's face at being able to help her host. "Will you apply, then?"
"Probably," Jasmine admitted. "Though I still worry I'm not up to it. And I'd need to decide what to apply for."
"You can usually change majors, even after you start," Menhal pointed out. "You don't have to make a final decision now."
"What are you considering?" Tamhet asked, reminding Kalran of her presence.
"Something to do with space," Jasmine said, her eyes lighting up. "Astronomy, general physics, spacecraft engineering. I don't know exactly which, yet, though."
"Oh, has xenobiology gone off the list?" Kalran joked. "I'm crushed."
Jasmine smiled. "I wish I could do that too, but I think one degree would be more than enough."
The group gradually settled into relaxed conversation, conversation that felt much more pleasant for Kalran with the addition of Jasmine and Akhir. Even Tamhet's contributions began to seem less irritating, and Kalran slowly felt herself calming down as the evening progressed.
Her calmer mood was brought to an abrupt halt, however, when Ilkiss caught her in the hallway as she was on her way back from the bathroom, keen to discuss Tamhet.
"She's very nervous, you know," Ilkiss began gently. "She isn't usually like this."
Kalran tensed slightly. "I said I just wanted to meet as friends," she said hurriedly.
"Of course," Ilkiss returned, his eyes widening. "You can't imagine I wouldn't respect that? I just wanted you to know that this isn't usually how she is, the way she was with Akhir. It's just anxiety, that's all."
"No, of course I know you'd respect it," Kalran said softly. She didn't blame Ilkiss, not really, although he could have done something other than pass on Tamhet's increasingly pressurising requests to spend time with her, could have suggested to his mate that she back off a little. "I'm afraid I don't trust her to, though." She sighed. "I'm sorry, Ilkiss. I- it isn't any reflection on you. And I do miss you, I just- I don't like her. I'm sorry."
Ilkiss nodded, trying to keep his face neutral despite the deep sadness in his eyes. "That sounds like quite a definite decision, Kalran. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you to meet her, and I won't in future. I just… I've missed you, too."
Kalran felt a fresh twist of pain at those words. "I'm sorry, Ilkiss. It's not the right time, anyway, and Tamhet definitely isn't the right third. Not for me." She looked at him searchingly. "It seems like you're happy together, though. And I'm glad about that. You deserve every happiness in the galaxy, schrellatie. Maybe… maybe as much as we miss each other, it isn't meant to be, not without Oglud." She looked down, tears gathering in her eyes. "I hate to say it, Ilkiss, but…" she sighed, uncertain how to put her complex emotions into words.
"I understand," he said slowly, after a moment. "And perhaps you're right, much as I wish it could be otherwise. I am happy with Tamhet, although of course I miss you." Ilkiss gave a wry smile. "I know you don't think much of her, but you haven't seen her at her best… I… she helped me to feel alive again. Everything's been so dark, I'd almost forgotten what joy felt like before I met her."
Kalran nodded, managing a smile. She was genuinely happy for Ilkiss, although a thousand other emotions competed for space with that one, not least total puzzlement at what Ilkiss saw in her.
"Then I'm glad. Truly. And I wish you both every happiness."
Ilkiss nodded. "Thank you," he said seriously. His expression grew curious. "Forgive me for saying this, Kalran," he began slowly, "I know you say you're not ready to think about this yet, but… I think Tamhet reacted the way she did to Akhir because she sees her as competition."
Kalran frowned. "What? What do you mean? What for?"
"Do I really need to spell it out more than that?" Ilkiss smiled, lowering his voice. "I of all people know how bad you are at noticing when someone's interested in you, even before you had everything with Oglud to cope with."
"You're saying…" Kalran trailed off, a confusion of emotions suddenly assaulting her. "Oh. Oh."
Despite the pain that remained in his eyes, Ilkiss looked amused. "In your defence, she's trying hard not to show it. It looks like she wants to be a friend to you, like she respects that you're not ready to move on yet. But knowing you I thought you might not have noticed there was anything other than friendship there. Like last time," he added. Though he clearly intended it teasingly, his voice was sad.
Kalran understood the emotional tug-of-war he must be experiencing: she was feeling it herself. The reminder of how their relationship had begun unleashed a deep pain that Kalran had half-buried over the last few years. While she felt it keenly, it oscillated with a sudden hope for the future, an interest and excitement Kalran now saw she had felt before, without seeing it for what it was. Threading through it all was sickening confusion: Akhir was wonderful, of course she was, but Kalran still wasn't sure she was ready for anyone new. "I- are you sure?"
"Obviously I can't be certain. Neither can you, until one of you gets up the courage to ask. And I don't think Akhir's likely to do that, she won't want to push you when you're not ready. I'm sorry for intervening, it's not really my business, but I thought I should at least make sure you'd noticed there might be something there. You deserve happiness, Kalran, and much as it pains me to admit it I can see you wouldn't find that with Tamhet. Your face every time she speaks is quite something to see."
"I'm sorry," Kalran said instantly, feeling awful that he'd noticed her loathing. "I don't mean to be rude to your mate, Ilkiss, I want you to be happy. And I hope we can remain friends."
"It's fine," he said softly. "I can see you're trying. And of course we can. I'd never want to lose your friendship, Kalran, no matter what else we might have lost."
Kalran felt another twist of pain at the reminder but managed to force a soft smile as she replied: "I feel the same way, schrellatie."
