Chapter 48:

A/N: I did warn this would be a long chapter. And it's a rollercoaster. I feel exhausted after writing this to be honest but phew! Thanks for all your fab reviews and sorry for leaving you on such a cliff hanger ;)

Trigger warning: references to rape, mental health, and suicide.

Carla

"What's going on? Where have you been?" Johnny demands as soon as we open the door to the flat, noticing that we have a full house; Johnny, Jenny, Kate, Rana, Ali, even Maria. "Ryan!"

"We've been at the police station." He informs them and I watch a sea of eyes widen, unable to even open my mouth to speak. "They asked us to go and um, identify a body."

"Oh God..." Kate raises a hand to her face, waiting patiently for Ryan to get his words out, riddled with shock.

"Well come on then!" Johnny yells impatiently and I manage to move to the cupboards, pulling a bottle of wine out of one.

"It wasn't her." He reveals and I can hear Kate's panicked but relieved cries as she sobs into Rana. Ali sinks down, head in his hands. Johnny places his hands firmly on the counter, composing himself. I pour out the dark red liquid, watching it roll down the side of the glass, smelling the perfumed scent that I had missed so badly.

"Carla? Carla!" Kate shouts at me, as I lift the glass to my lips. "What are you doing?"

"...Don't." Is all I can release, taking a small sip of it and feeling so guilty but so alleviated at the same time. It surges through me like fire, heating my freezing body. "Kate!" I yell as she tries to pull the glass from my grip.

"Kate, let her have a drink!" Johnny orders.

"Drink that and you will regret it when we find Michelle." Kate hisses at me under her breath and I study her, drunk on shock and fear. "She's out there somewhere. Do you really want to do this to her? To both of you?"

"Carla, let me take that." Rana offers and I allow her to slip the glass out of my grip, hearing the familiar and heart-wrenching sound of the liquid cascading down the sink.

"...Am I missing something?" Johnny narrows his eyes, gazing at the scene in front of him, and I am slowly brought back to reality.

"No." Kate covers for me. "She just... Drinking is always her solution. One glass becomes ten. She needs a clear head for when we find Michelle."

"A clear head." I just mutter, exhaling sharply and flickering my eyes around the audience gathered in my flat. "That woman... She was somebody's wife. Maybe somebody's mum. It could have been Michelle."

"But it wasn't." Kate reminds me.

"No! But she's somebody to someone!" I shout, silencing her. "And they're going to go through the exact same motions I did half an hour ago, only this time there will be no relief tied with a ribbon at the end of it."

"Why don't I run you a bath-"

"I don't want a bath Johnny!" I scream at him, my cries bouncing off the walls. "All I can think about right now, is seeing that woman, murdered, lying on a table. All I can think about is hoping and praying that Michelle doesn't end up the same way!"

The door clicks softly and everybody snaps their head around in the direction of the entrance. My breath catches in my throat, my eyes blur, my whole body feels as if it is suddenly floating.

"Where the hell have you been?" I scream, running at Michelle, throwing my arms around her and sobbing into her shoulder. "Where have you been? Where have you been?" I cry, shaking her, wanting to slap her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She whispers as I pull her into me again, refusing to ever let go. All my emotion comes pouring out, all the pain, all the fear, all the shock.

"Michelle do you have any idea?" I cry, pulling away and cupping her face in my hands. "Do you know where I've been this morning?"

"No-"

"Identifying a body!" I scream at her, seeing the pain flicker in her eyes. "Identifying a body they thought was you. I thought was you!"

"Michelle, sit down love." Johnny pulls a kitchen stool out and I finally release her, allowing her to follow his instructions. "We've been worried sick."

"Sorry." She just says again, her eyes scanning the room, noting how many people were here waiting for her return. Once I am stood further than five centimetres from her, I notice the strayed mascara, the knotted hair, the exhaustion on her face.

"...Michelle." I lower my voice, sitting down on the arm of the sofa and studying her.

"Uh, I think I'm gonna get going now we know she's ok." Maria pipes up, reading the situation. "Glad you're back safe, Chelle."

"Yeah, I need to get back to work." Ali announces, reaching down to kiss her on the top of her head. "Stay safe, yeah?"

"Jenny, go and open up the pub will you?" Johnny asks and she gives him a subtle glare, hesitantly turning on her heel to leave.

"Michelle, I'm so sorry for not checking you got in the taxi ok." Kate starts to pour her apologies out. "I've been tying myself in knots."

"It's not your fault." Michelle murmurs, beginning to shake slightly and I reach forward to take her hand, which she retracts suddenly, panic in her expression.

"Chelle... Please... Talk to us." I whisper gently and she scans my expression, composing herself. "Where've you been darlin'?"

"Uh... Prestwich I think." She narrows her eyes in thought and I wait for her to elaborate. "Greater Manchester... Mental Health Foundation Trust." She relays, pulling a leaflet from her bag to check and I take it from her, flicking through but not absorbing any of the words on the page. "They took me there."

"Who took you there?"

"Uh... The mental health paramedics... I don't know..." She pauses in thought, clearly drowning in fatigue. "This man... Tried to... Tried it on with me on uh... On Princess Street... I panicked... I ran to Piccadilly Gardens and then this man tried to help me but I was terrified of everybody... They called the paramedics... When they arrived I was having a complete breakdown... So they admitted me to mental health services and they discharged me at twelve."

"...And you didn't think to call us?" Johnny hounds her and I glare at him.

"Phone's dead." She just holds it out.

"This man... Who tried it on with you... What did he do, Chelle?" I ask gently and I see her eyes flicker around the room again, clearly intimidated by her audience.

"Nothing..." She swallows. "He just grabbed me... Tried to kiss me... Pulled my hair when I refused... Then I got away... And ran... And ran."

I try to hold my emotions back, staying strong for her. "Right well we need to go to the police."

"No!" Michelle begs me, her eyes suddenly lighting with fear. "Please. Please. I don't want to. Please."

"...Ok." I nod, speaking gently so as not to scare her. "Ok... Why don't you go and get some rest and then we can talk about it after?"

"Yeah..." Michelle just murmurs, pulling herself up and heading into the bedroom. I watch her go, anxiety ripping through my veins.

"...She's in a state." Johnny states the obvious, once the bedroom door is closed. "Do you reckon she's telling the truth?"

"Of course she is!" I jump to her defence, folding my arms across my chest and pausing in thought. "Look, I'll sort this from here. She probably needs some time... I'll keep you all updated, ok?"

"Are you sure you'll be alright?" Ryan checks and I nod, reaching for his hand. "Call me if you need anything?"

"I will. Thanks Ry." I smile appreciatively. "For everything."

"Don't mention it." He sighs, kissing me on the forehead. "I'm so relieved. So, so relieved."

"Yeah, me and all." Kate offers and I give her a less respectful look, before watching them all leave. I fall back against the closed door, closing my eyes and feeling as if I was coming to the end of a rollercoaster ride. All the adrenaline, all the nerves, all the panic, slowly coming to a standstill.

Michelle

My eyes open, head banging, room spinning. It was like somebody had stuffed my insides with cotton wool, although that was probably the medication they had given me taking affect. I open my mouth to call for water, before I notice Carla is already sat on the dressing room chair, gazing at me worriedly.

"Water?" Is all I can manage, trying to sit myself up and she hands me a readily prepared glass. "...Have you been watching me sleep?"

"I'm not letting you out of my sight again." It doesn't even sound like she's joking, and I didn't blame her, I could see the toll the day had taken on her in her face. "How are you feeling?"

"Better than I was." I place the glass down, weighing her up. I knew she was reluctant to come near me, touch me, after my episode earlier. "...I'm sorry you were worried."

"Worried?" She scoffs gently. "Michelle, I thought you were dead." The words hit me hard, bringing tears to my eyes. "I poured a glass of wine!"

"...But you didn't drink it?"

"Hardly." She sighs and I bite my lip with worry. "Jenny thought you copped off."

"Well then Jenny's stupid." I just muffle, wringing my hands on top of the sheets. "Like I would... Do they know about the pregnancy?"

"No, just about." She sighs. "They were about to though, if you hadn't walked through that door. Johnny kept offering me whiskey."

"...Please come here." I sound so desperate, but I needed her to hold me. I had put her through so much worry, guilt was boiling up inside. "Please."

"Hey." She doesn't waste time, sliding into the bed next to me and wrapping her arms around my frame. I breathe in her comforting scent, letting tears silently slide down my cheeks. "God, I'm so lucky. I'm so, so lucky, Chelle... This woman I identified today... She was someone's wife... It could have been you. I thought it was. I've never ever felt hurt like it. I just can't believe you're here and you're ok. I'm so... So grateful."

"I was coming back to you." I whisper, daring to relay the events of the previous night. "I told Kate and Rana I would be fine, I thought I would be. Then this guy comes out of the strip club, corners me, starts questioning me. I was politely declining at first but then he started trying to grab me, he pulled my hair... Then I ran... I ran and ran and ran and then I didn't know where I was and I was so, so scared. This man found me and of course I was terrified of him, even though he was only trying to help. I convinced myself he was going to shoot at me. Every time he tried to go in his pocket to get his phone I thought he was going to pull out a gun. I kept screaming at him..." I pause, dampening her top with tears. "I thought I was better... How am I going to raise two children when I'm so damaged like this?"

"Shh." Carla soothes, running her fingers through my hair. "You're not damaged."

"I thought it would be like when Will abducted me again... Only I wouldn't get away this time..." I hesitate, trying to catch my breath. "I hate men. I hate men taking advantage and cheating and hurting and thinking they can do whatever they want to us. I'm so, so sick of it. I feel like the whole thing with Phelan was just the tip of the iceberg, after every man I have ever been with... Screwing me over... Treating me like dirt... I just feel so used and disgusting. That's what makes me panic... Men. I think I'm a lesbian, Carla."

"Ok well..." She laughs softly, comfortingly. "We don't have to figure that out today."

"No I'm being serious." I respond quietly. "...I couldn't even look Johnny or Ryan in the eye... My own son, how bad is that? I just don't trust them..."

"Look, darlin'." She sighs, rubbing her hand in circles on my back. "...This fear, it's the PTSD talking-"

"No it's not." I jolt backwards, annoyed that she was putting everything down to mental health. "I'm trying to tell you something here! Why aren't you listening?"

"...Ok." She nods, understandingly. "And I accept you for whoever you are, alright? We're married, you're the love of my life. That's all that matters, hm?"

"...Yeah." My mind clouds, hazy thoughts sailing through it. "I'm glad I've got you." I place a hand against her chest, trying to steady my shaking. "I'm glad you love me. I'm glad you feel the same way towards me as I do to you. Else I don't know what I'd do."

"And it's not going to change." She dares to nudge her nose against mine and I nod, levelling my eyes with hers. "So calm down. You're safe now. Nobody's going to hurt you."


"Ah, nice shower?" Carla looks up from where she is chewing on a pickle, as I finally slide the bathroom lock and come into view.

"Yeah... Needed it." I manage a small smile, going over to where she has her arms open. "I bet you're shattered and all."

"I'm fine." She lies, and I raise an eyebrow at her, pausing in thought.

"You know, this morning, they had me lying in this bed in the mental health ward, and I couldn't stop thinking about how lonely I am when I haven't got you." I murmur, allowing her to brush the damp hair out of my face. "And last night... When I was panicking... And the paramedics were questioning me... All I wanted was to be with you. And I kept asking to go home, where I felt safe, but they insisted on taking me in... I just... Don't want to be so dependant on you all the time."

"Sweetheart, you're not." Carla assures me softly. "You're an independent woman, you don't rely on anyone." She nudges me and I smile, blushing at her words. "It's normal when people are scared to want to be with the person they love, isn't it? Hey? You go to meetings on your own and handle the dirty men there without me having to hold your hand. Give yourself some credit. Ok? You're stronger than you think."

"Mm." I lean my forehead against hers, hesitating before kissing her lips gently. I linger for a moment, breathing in the connection, feeling the heat of her face against mine. "...Are you okay?"

"I'm fine now I know you're safe." She whispers, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "I thought I'd lost you. I really thought my whole world had come crashing down."

"I'm your whole world?" I smile slightly, pulling back to outline her cheekbones with my finger.

"Yes." She holds the word, staring at me appreciatively. "You and these two."

"...I wouldn't have been able to do the last few months without you." I tell her quietly. "Please never leave me."

"What do you think this is for?" She taps my wedding ring and I smile down at it. "I'm not planning on going anywhere, this is for keeps. I wouldn't be pregnant with two children if I was, would I?" She places my hand on her tummy and I feel the small bump beneath the fabric of her top. "Hey, I don't want to force food on you sweetie, but are you hungry? When did you last eat?"

"Pfft..." I try to jog my memory. "Probably about twenty four hours ago."

"Can we get Chinese?" Carla bites her lip endearingly.

"Whatever they want." I tap her tummy lightly and she kisses me again before moving away to get the menu.

Carla

My fingers work in her hair, weaving in and out, letting the soft chestnut locks slip through my hands. Her eyes rest closed, lashes flickering every now and then to indicate that she was dreaming. I hoped she was dreaming of happiness. Of peace and quiet and a bright future. The small smile on her lips told me that maybe she was. Maybe she was able to get a break from the harsh reality of the world. Escaping for just a few hours. Her hair, her eyelashes, her lips... Images flash through my mind of the body I had set eyes on earlier, just before falling to the floor in relief. I hadn't quite known how it would feel until that curtain had been pulled back. To know that it wasn't her. I had never felt terror leave my body at such a force. But I knew there would be someone else in after me. Someone who would fall to the floor with grief as soon as that curtain was drawn. Someone who wouldn't be able to lie on the sofa, cuddled up to the person they love tonight. Playing with her hair, watching her sleep, promising to never leave her. This was the closest I had ever been to losing Michelle Connor. I refused to ever take any risks again. Maybe I hadn't realised how much I needed her until I thought she was gone. In that moment, when I had been stood, hand glued in Ryan's, all the odds against us. Maybe it was the desperation of hope that I was clinging onto, channeling all my faith into, speaking it into existence. It had been harrowing. Haunting. Yet this, a few hours later, was so calm, peaceful, harmonious. I wanted to cherish this moment forever.

This was it. Our future was about to begin and when it did, I wanted it to be filled with positivity and love and happiness. I wanted to turn my back on all the turmoil and heartbreak that Michelle and I had been through over the years. I wanted to raise our children to be the best they could be, to shield them from the grief and neglect I had suffered. So that they never knew what it was like to hurt, to lose people, to cry until their throats ached, to lose complete control at the hands of a man, to bottle up so much guilt that it nearly pushes them over the edge of a quarry.

I was determined now, to make the days ahead bright. To focus on the good times. To be able to finally say that the past was behind us.

That was my goal.

Michelle

It is as if the tick of the clock is counting every thought that passes in my brain. Flashes of unwanted memories flickering in my mind. Trying to gather every inch of what had happened over the course of the weekend.

Yesterday had been uneventful. We had both refused to leave the flat. Me because I was terrified and Carla because she was terrified to leave me. Instead, we had just slipped between waves of sleep, watching rubbish on the telly, answering phone calls from friends and family who had checked up on us every half an hour. We had needed it. Saturday had drained us both of emotion in completely different ways. It had exhausted us.

"Chelle, it's really early." Carla yawns as she appears from the bedroom, pulling her robe around herself.

"It's six forty five." I point out, thinking she was being a little extreme.

"Right well, I'm going to throw up so, put your ear plugs in." She just shrugs moodily, heading into the bathroom and closing the door. I try to block out the sounds of her retching. Not only did it make me feel sick, but the thought of her going through it all made guilt bubble inside me.

"Do you want a coffee?" I offer, realising it was my duty to make her feel better and I just hear a faint 'yeah' sound from the bathroom. My feet pad over to the kettle, leaning back against the counter and noticing the wine bottle stood by the sink, about a glass worth missing.

The fact that I had driven her to that, while she was so adamant on staying sober, said it all. I felt embarrassed. Ashamed that I had let all of the family down. That they had tied themselves in knots over me yet again. For being weak and pathetic.

Rubbing my temples where a dull ache was pounding, I move to the cupboards, searching for some painkillers. I pull my sertraline out of the cupboard, pressing two pills into my hand alongside two paracetamol capsules. Deciding to take the liberty of sorting Carla's while I am at it, I find her immunosuppressants, ramipril and folic acid, sorting them into a piles on the counter.

"Right pair aren't we?" I hear Carla's voice from behind me, snapping my head around. I can see her gaze fixated on our medication that I had sorted and she flashes me an appreciative smile, brushing hers into her hand.

"You should eat before you take those." I tell her, as I do everyday and she sighs, cockily taking an apple, biting into it, and then washing down her medication in one with a glass of water. "That's not what I meant. You're eating for three. A bite of an apple won't do it."

"Well since we're up so early, maybe we could go to Roy's for breakfast before work?" She offers and I freeze up, unable to think of an excuse to respond with.

"Well I... Was thinking of taking the day off." I mutter, avoiding eye contact.

"You have therapy today." She reminds me. "And you need to go to it this week."

"Yes, thank you for reminding me that I'm crazy." I half snap at her, although I knew she didn't mean it like that. We were too similar in that lashing out was our defence mechanism. It was amazing that our relationship managed to survive the battle of our stubbornness. "I'm going to phone the medical centre anyway. I'm going to ask for a different therapist."

"Why?" Carla looks concerned, lowering the apple she was still chewing on. "...You haven't had any problems with him, have you?"

"No." I just shrug, avoidant to raise the reason as to why with her. But she stares at me intently, waiting for an explanation. "...I'd rather have a female therapist at the moment."

"Right." Carla nods, clocking why and pausing in thought. "Don't you think it's good that you feel you can talk to Ian though? Maybe it'll help you to realise that there's some men you can trust."

"I don't want to go and see Ian today." I emphasise, firmly. "I don't feel comfortable."

"I can come with you?"

"I don't need a babysitter." I huff, walking past her and slamming the bedroom door before I said something I would further regret. I sink down on the other side of the door, trying to hold back tears. Why was I putting so much stress on her? This was the time when she needed to be as carefree as possible. If anything happened to those babies, it would be all my fault.


"Why aren't you at work?" My voice finally sounds as the door creaks open, noticing where she is tapping away on her laptop. "Are you checking up on me?"

"No." She keeps her tone stern. "You shut yourself in the room where all my clothes are." She points out and I feel stupid for a moment. "I wasn't going to go to work in my pyjamas, was I?"

"You could've just asked."

"Well I wanted to give you space." She looks back down at her laptop and I weigh her up for a moment. "I phoned the medical centre."

"And said what? They're supposed to keep things confidential." I jump to conclusions again and she lets out an exasperated sigh, closing the lid of her laptop and folding her arms.

"To see if there were any female counsellors available today."

"Oh..." I trail off. "And?"

"And there's one who can see you at eleven." She tells me, which calms my nerves slightly.

"Right."

"But it's Toyah."

"No." I shake my head. "I can't talk to her."

"Well Michelle, we're running out of options here." She refrains from rolling her eyes. "She was the only person available at last minute."

"Yeah and there's probably a reason for that." I scoff, heading to the bathroom. "I'm not going. I'm having a bath."

"Michelle." She beckons me, but I ignore her, continuing to drag my feet pathetically. "Michelle!" She suddenly shouts and I stop in my tracks, shivering slightly at her tone. "This stops now."

"What does?" I raise my voice angrily, turning to face her withered expression.

"This! Pushing everyone away! Refusing to get help!"

"Oh yeah, like you wouldn't do the same-"

"I don't care Michelle." She stops me. "I am pregnant with our two children and I am exhausted. I'm not standing by and letting you throw your health down the drain again! You think I'm going to sit here and let you wallow in self-pity? When we've got two children on the way? Well I didn't get pregnant for that, Michelle. I thought I'd have a supportive partner! Ever since the scan, all you've done is press self-destruct. Well how do you think I'm feeling? Ey? You are not doing this to me! Not like Peter did!"

"I am not Peter!" I scream at her audacity, the word channeling through me like a bullet. It was as if I had been shot all over again. "Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I can control how I'm feeling? I'm not some low-life drunk going out and cheating with the babysitter and drowning my guilt in a bottle of vodka!"

"That's enough!"

"No! Do not compare me to him. Do not!" I shut her up, storming into the bathroom and slamming the door, bursting into tears as soon as I was on the other side. I can practically feel Carla's fury seeping under the door like a flood. Like somebody had left the hot taps running. It felt as if boiling water was rising around me and I had no way of escaping. I bolt the door shut, in a desperation to stop it rushing in. Pulling my knees up to my chest and crying uncontrollably. I can feel my body scalding, my legs burning and I scramble on top of the toilet seat in desperation.

"Michelle! Open the door." I hear Carla bang her fist on it repetitively. "Please, open the door." I continue to ignore her, squeezing my eyes shut so tightly that I see bursts of colour dancing in the dark. Fireworks. Blue, green, purple, red. Bang. Bang. Bang.

"STOP IT!" I scream, unable to differentiate between Carla's knocking and fireworks exploding. Or bullets. Shot after shot after shot. Bang. Bang. Bang. "STOP. STOP. STOP."

"Hey." Suddenly I feel somebody on me, fighting them off, pushing him away. Somebody had got to me again. They were going to hurt me. They were going to kill me. They were going to control me.

"NO! No!" I cry weakly, kicking my legs out and feeling them loosen their grip. I crawl backwards, losing my balance and falling off the side of the toilet seat, my head throbbing as it collides with the wall. I let out a pained cry, daring to open my eyes to see the bathroom swimming around me. Carla was cowered up in one corner, staring at me in complete shock, a phone raised to her ear. "Not the police!" I shout, finally making sense of the situation. "Not the police!" She doesn't respond to me and I fight to compose myself, turning back the pages in my mind to remember how to control my breathing. 1. 2. 3. 4. 1. 2. 3. 4. "Carla... Not the police." I ask weakly, my vision focusing slightly.

"It's not the police." Is all she says, looking at me with pure terror. She has one hand on her stomach, screwing her eyes up in pain.

"Carla?" I crawl forwards. "What's wrong?"

"Michelle you've just kicked me!" She shouts and it's as if I'm dragged back to reality with a huge thud. Heat drains from my body, as if the boiling water was seeping away. I go cold, staring at the distrust in her eyes. "Stay over there. Please."

Carla

"What's going on?" Kate demands, throwing the bathroom door open and staring in shock at the scene before her.

"Did you bring Rana?" I ask, scanning behind her and sighing in relief as she comes into view. "I... Fell down... I don't know whether somethings wrong."

"Hey." Rana kneels by me, placing a hand gently on my stomach. Kate peers over at Michelle, who has her knees pulled up to her chest, staring at us with a mix of confusion and guilt. "I'm sure everything's fine. We should go to the medical centre to make sure."

"What the hell happened to you?" Kate observes Michelle, kneeling down by her and taking in her disheveled image. She looked no better now than when she had turned up at the flat the other day. Limp hair, ghost white face, mascara smudged from her tears.

"It's my fault." Michelle lets out a whimper and I sigh, guiltily. "Carla I'm sorry."

"It's fine." I just respond, allowing Rana to help me up.

"Carla... I didn't mean it. I didn't realise." She continues and I try to shut her words out to stop myself from either crying or snapping back at her. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry for what?" I hear Kate ask her gently, her head flicking between us in confusion.

"Kate, you stay with Michelle." Rana suggests. "I'll take Carla to the medical centre, make sure she's seen straight away."

"Thanks." I smile at her appreciatively, allowing her to lead me out of the flat.

Michelle

"Right... There's your tea." Kate places it down on the coffee table and I just stare straight ahead, trying to make sense of the past half an hour. "Talk to me, what happened?"

"I... I don't know..." I stammer, shifting my eyes to hers. They were so kind, so warm, so caring. I didn't deserve that. "I don't know... What's going on... I just..."

"...What happened to Carla?" She asks me gently and I take a deep breath, begging myself not to cry again. I had cried enough tears to fill the quays the past few days. "Michelle?"

"I hurt her. I hurt her." I emphasise and she looks taken aback. "I kicked her... Kate... Is she going to lose them? It's all my fault. I hurt her... She will never forgive me for this."

"Right, calm down." Kate tries to make sense of my words. "I'm sure it won't come to that."

"It's all my fault and she's going to lose them." I suddenly sob into my hands, feeling Kate's hand on my back. "I'm... A monster."

"Why... How..." She just murmurs. "Why did you kick her?"

"I thought she was him." I continue to wail into my fingers, my throat aching agonisingly. "I didn't know it was her... My Carla... I didn't know... And now I've hurt her. Now I've ruined her life. I've ruined our future."

"You haven't. You're doing that catastrophising thing." Kate remembers, relaying my therapy sessions to me. "Carla's going to be fine. You're going to be fine. You just need some help."

"I'm no good for her."

"Do you think she'd have got herself pregnant if she didn't have every faith in you?" Kate asks me. "This is Carla Connor. She doesn't do this with anybody. You've changed her."

"...She's going to hate me." I just whisper, steadying my breathing and finally turning to look at her. "Kate... The one thing I vowed to never do was hurt her."

"You didn't intend to... She'll understand." She tries to justify and I just shake my head, loathing myself for what I had done. Carla could be losing our babies right now, and it was all my fault. I had pushed her away. I had treated her like dirt. And now I had physically hurt her. I hated myself more than I ever had.

Carla

It seemed like I spent half my life in waiting rooms. The hospital. The police station. The medical centre. Always filled with anxiety. Always awaiting some kind of verdict. The way Moira was staring at us over her glasses was not comforting. She was probably trying to understand how I had managed to get myself pregnant when I had been married to a woman for six months. Or maybe she was wondering why me, of all people, was sat waiting on results from the maternity room.

"Hey, he won't be a moment." Rana takes a seat next to me, offering me a cup of water and I smile appreciatively. "Has the cramping died down?"

"Yeah everything feels normal." I sigh, rubbing a hand across my stomach. "I think it was just shock. I hope, anyway."

"...Did you really fall down?" She can tell it's a lie, gazing at me worriedly. "I won't say anything. You're my sister in law."

"Hm." I smile at the word, my face creasing slightly as I dare to relay what happened. "No... I didn't fall down... Michelle's gone absolutely... Off the rails again." I admit and she nods understandingly. "She kicked me. By accident. I think she thought I was somebody trying to attack her. It's my fault, I shouldn't have tried to talk her down with physical contact."

"It's not your fault." Rana sighs, rubbing her temples in thought. "This isn't fair on you though. You're supposed to be relaxing. All this stress won't be good for the babies."

"I just don't know what to do." I look up at her desperately. "I thought she was getting better... Then one setback the other night and... I've never seen her like it. It was terrifying. This can't be getting worse, now of all times."

"Has she been taking her medication?"

"Yes well... She didn't get round to taking it this morning... And... I don't know whether she did yesterday." I pause in thought, lowering my head into my hand. "Oh God. Why is it always one thing after another?"

"Carla?" I hear a familiar voice, looking up and seeing Ali coming towards me. I freeze up, noticing the clipboard in his hand. "Do you want to come through to my room?"

"Why?"

"Because I have your results." He looks confused at my question and I pause. "Dr Logan has asked me to relay them to you."

"...Uh... Ok." I just stand, following him in and awkwardly taking a seat by his desk. "...Sorry you had to find out like this."

"I've known for weeks." He lets out a slight laugh, scanning his computer and I just let the comment go, deciding not to pester him further. My eyes glide to the clipboard, nerves crawling through my body.

"So... Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine." He assures me, taking a look at his clipboard. "Babies are fine, you seem fine. There's two perfectly healthy heartbeats. They're really protected in there. There's abdominal muscles, uterus wall, amniotic fluid."

"Yeah you're wasting all the science-y stuff on me." I hold a hand up, sighing in relief. "As long as there's no problems?"

"Nope, you're good to go." He promises me and I flash him an appreciative smile, standing up and beginning to head for the door. "Uh, Carla?" He calls and I turn to face him. "How's my mum?"

"She's..." I trail off, weighing up whether to follow it with the truth or another lie. "...She's struggling, to be honest. She's not good."

"Should I pop in and see her-"

"No." I assure him. "She's got this thing about being around men. Even... You and Ryan. She's insistent that all men are going to hurt her."

"It sounds like something you shouldn't be coping with on your own." Ali eyes me up, wearily. "...What did happen today?"

"I fell." I repeat, firmly. He knew it was a lie. He was a doctor.

"I see." He just nods. "Well I suggest you get her to see her therapist, as soon as possible."

"Yeah no chance of that." I purse my lips. "Tried this morning, she's refusing to go anywhere near men."

"Well I can see if I can get a twenty four hours counsellor from the call out service to come and see her?" He offers. "That way she doesn't have to leave the flat."

"...You can do that?" I ponder it.

"I can certainly ask." He pulls up a tab on his computer, getting to work straight away. "Leave it with me. I'll drop you a text in half an hour with an update."

"Thanks." I smile at him, heading for the door. "You're a lifesaver." I hesitate, before adding, "oh, and Ali-"

"I'll keep it zipped about the babies." He responds to my unasked question and I just nod, smiling appreciatively again before leaving.

Michelle

My head whips around when I hear the flat door, Carla following Rana in. I hold her gaze, waiting anxiously. "...What did they say?"

"Everything's fine." She reveals and I practically choke on my breath, my hands falling over my face in relief. "They're fine. I'm fine."

"Carla..." I whisper into my hands, daring to look up at her hurt expression. It killed me that I had put that look on her face. "Carla I am so..."

"I know." She smiles tiredly, but still keeping her distance, taking her coat off and leaning back against the wall. It is awkwardly silent for a moment, Kate and Rana exchanging glances as if telepathically deciding what to do for the best. "Look guys, you can get off."

"Are you sure?" Kate asks worriedly, her eyes switching between me and Carla.

"Yeah, honestly, we'll be fine." She assures them, turning to look at me. "Won't we, Chelle?"

"...Yeah." I just murmur, avoiding eye contact with anybody as I wring my hands in my lap.

"Well if you need anything..." Rana recites and Carla nods.

"Yeah. Thanks so much." She tells them. "So much."

"Don't mention it." Kate squeezes my shoulder as she passes to hug her sister. "Look after yourselves, ok?"

"Will do." Carla murmurs as they leave, the door closing and the room falling into an eerie silence. I shift my eyes to the floor, picking at the skin around my thumbnail, noticing beads of blood rising to the surface. "Ali knows."

"...Ok." I just respond, trying to scramble for ways to make things right. "...You broke the bathroom door in." I point to where the door was split in two, after she had clearly hammered it in with some kind of tool. She just nods, gazing in the direction, momentarily deciding what the next move should be. I was pretty sure it didn't concern the bathroom door.

"Michelle." She takes a seat in the arm chair, exhaling sharply and staring me down.

"I can't believe I did that." I whisper, my eyes fixated on the carpet and she doesn't respond. "That's the worst thing I've ever done... And it was to you."

"Look... It wasn't your fault-"

"It was." I dare to look at her, tears glistening in my eyes. "It was. I hurt you."

"But everything's fine." She tries to justify. "No harm done."

"No harm done?" I repeat, trying my best not to get angry again. "...I could've killed our babies."

"Well you didn't." She prompts me firmly. "You didn't. So what's the point in thinking about what ifs?"

"Because I'm dangerous." I shiver at the word, catching her gaze in horror. "...I'm a danger to you."

Carla just sighs, lowering her head, not having anything to respond with. It doesn't surprise me. There were very little words she could muster to follow with. I was driving her insane with everything that came out of my mouth. Whether it was anger or self-pity or concern.

"Right." She finally says. "There's a counsellor coming round this afternoon."

"What-"

"Don't argue with me." She says it gently but is shuts me up. "Ali's managed to get hold of an emergency counsellor - female - she's coming here as a call out this afternoon."

"...Are you staying?" Is all I ask, hope in my eyes as she sighs, calming her expression. I didn't know whether I even meant for the counselling session, or in general. Maybe I meant both. I wouldn't blame her after today's events.

"Of course I'm staying." She tells me softly, daring to take a seat on the sofa next to me and hesitating before taking my hand in hers. "Of course I'm staying."

"I... Am so sorry." Is all I can release, tears trailing down my cheeks.

"I know you are sweetheart." She pulls me into her chest, planting a kiss into my hair. "I know."

Carla

"Right so, talk me through what happened today Michelle." Emma, the counsellor asks, as she scribbles something down on her notepad. "Tell me your thought process."

"Uh..." Michelle takes a deep breath, her hands clasped nervously in her lap. "Well we had an argument. It was my fault, really. I've been pushing her away."

"It was both of us." I offer, even though we both knew that was not the point.

"And then I went into the bathroom because I was angry..." She pauses, tracking her memory. "And... I just broke down... I started feeling like I was trapped... Like boiling water was flooding the bathroom... And then I could hear this banging, like fireworks or bullets. Only it wasn't, I know that now. It was just Carla knocking on the bathroom door." She continues and I swallow anxiously, regretting deeply how I had handled the situation. "Then I think I... I felt her on me... When she had broken the door down. Only it wasn't her, it was... I don't know, maybe it was Phelan or Sid or Will or... The guy from the other night." She relays and I see the confusion in Emma's expression, deciding not to press the names further. "And I just wanted to get away. I just panicked. I thought he was going to attack me. So I... I lashed out... I tried to get him off me and I... I did... Only it wasn't him." She holds back tears, taking a deep breath. "Carla was trying to help me and I... I hit her. I kicked her. So see... I'm a threat to her. And now you're going to lock me up. Aren't you? Because I hurt her and I nearly killed our babies."

"Nobody's going to lock you up." Emma assures her calmly. "We just want to help you."

"Well that's what you should do... If I'm beating my wife." It's bitter as the words leave her mouth. "I'm as bad as them. I'm as bad as him."

"Who?"

"Frank."

"Michelle, stop it, please." I beg her, squeezing my eyes shut. I take a moment to process, before shifting my gaze to Emma. "It's really not like that. It was an accident."

"Who's Frank?" She questions us gently and I bite my tongue, regretful that it had somehow come down to talking about my past trauma's, which was not the issue at hand.

"Just someone... My ex." I sigh, wanting to drift past it quickly. "He uh, raped me. She's being incredibly extreme. It was an accident. Michelle, it was an accident. Don't you dare think those things."

"I know." She nods in understanding. "Sorry."

"...What was it that triggered the PTSD?" Emma asks, looking at me because it seemed as if Michelle was reluctant to answer. "In the first place."

"She was shot in the Bistro. On our wedding day." I inform her and Michelle let's out a quiet groan at the subject, not moving her head from her hands. "By this man, Pat Phelan. You might have heard his name. He was a serial killer."

"Stop." Michelle muffles and I decide to follow her orders, gritting my teeth.

"And this is where the fear of men has stemmed from?" She clarifies and Michelle hesitates, sighing reluctantly.

"Not just that. From everything. I was drugged and abducted by my stalker a few years ago. I'm being... Felt up by my clients. I've been cheated on more times than I've had hot dinners... I'm being pathetic I know-"

"You're not being pathetic." Emma assures her. "Especially with everything you've been through, it's understandable."

"Yeah well she's been through worse." Michelle flicks a finger at me. "Raped by her fiancé, held hostage by her husband, emotionally abused by an alcoholic cheater, losing her brother to suicide. You don't see her freaking out at the sight of a man."

"Michelle." I call her name desperately, rubbing my temples in therapeutic circles. "We're not here to talk about me. Stop comparing yourself to everyone."

"I was... Assaulted I guess, if you want to be extreme, the other night." Michelle continues, finally opening up. "I was on my own, waiting for my taxi in the early hours and some man came up to me and started feeling me up, trying to kiss me, grabbing at my clothes and my hair... And it just triggered everything for me again. I panicked and now I've gone back to square one. And I don't want to be here, trust me, I don't. I want to get better so badly..." She looks at Emma desperately. "Please... Just help me get better... For my wife, for my children, for myself. I'm sick of this now."

"What I suggest is putting a therapy scheme in place, with a counsellor you trust for now." Emma explains to her. "You said you were on sertraline, didn't you? I'm going to have a word with your GP and see if we can prescribe you venlafaxine alongside, it'll be an additional crutch for your anxiety for the time being, it's used for preventing panic attacks. That way, we can start moving forward with the recovery process."

"...So I don't need to be... Like, sectioned?" There's surprise in her voice.

"No." Emma assures her. "You just need to take the pressure off yourself. Relax. Make sure you're taking your medication, and stick to your therapy scheme. You'll see results sooner than you think. Trust me, we will get you better Michelle."

Michelle

I lean on the bathroom door frame, staring out at where Carla has her back to me, knees pulled up to her chest on the sofa, just staring into space. I let the towel fall from my hair, feeling the damp locks grace my shoulders. I wished I knew what she was thinking. Maybe if I stared hard enough, I'd get an insight to her thoughts.

"Carla..." I whisper and she turns her head, moving to sit at one end of the sofa.

"If you're going to say you're sorry, you can save it." She flashes me a playful smile and I just sigh, shrugging.

"...I don't deserve you." I decide to follow it up with and she exhales softly, tapping the place on the sofa next to her.

"You know when I had kidney failure, and all I did was snap and cry and refuse help?" She reminds me and I nod, taking a seat. "And I had that breakdown in the hospital when the doctors told me I had months to live? Who sat, consoling me and told me everything was going to be ok?"

"...Me." I answer obediently.

"And who sat by my bedside in the hospital for days on end, refusing to sleep, playing with my hair, buying me presents to cheer me up and reading to me until I fell asleep?" She continues and I smile slightly at the thought.

"Me."

"And who held me when I cried about Aidan, even though they were hurting themselves? Who stood by me and took the bottle from my hand when I thought I'd killed two people in a fire? Who looked into my eyes in the back of the car when I was miscarrying and told me not to be scared? Who put their whole wedding on the back burner to save my business after I had been raped? Hm?" She pauses. "Who sat and cleaned the cuts on my face at fifteen years old when my stepdad hit me with a glass bottle? Telling me I was safe? That I was loved? By one person and one person only. Who was that?"

"...Me." I murmur, holding her gaze, taken aback by the rush of memories that had poured out of her mouth.

"Exactly. You." She nods, the intensity of her words making my heart beat faster. "So if you think I'm giving up on you now, you're wrong. You helped me through all of that. Correction, you saved me. So I'm going to help you. Whatever it takes. I'm going nowhere. I'm going to watch you get better and we're going to do it together, ok? Me and you. Just like it's always been; me and you."

A tear rolls down my cheek, brushing it away quickly as I nod, never experiencing such a rush of raw emotion from a speech before. "...I love you."

"I love you more than anything." Carla whispers and I shuffle towards her, laying my head in her chest, letting her wrap her arms around me and rocking me until my thoughts are taken over by sleep. "Anything."


A/N: Eeee, sorry to leave you all waiting. I knew a lot of people were thinking it was going to be Sid, that was a thought of mine, but it would have meant needing to do another police investigation and I'd really rather not sksksks. Thanks for all your fab feedback omg, it's made me so happy to see your predictions!