Erin laid back staring at the ceiling, twiddling her thumbs, palms sweating. The deeper the breaths she took the less it comforted her. The last few months since losing the baby had been a roll coaster of emotions. Sadness, heartbreak, guilt. But things had gone back to normal, there was always still moments when Erin would get a little sad because she'd think about the stages of pregnancy she'd be up to now and she knew it just got closer and closer to the date of Jake's due date.
They hadn't talked about having kids again since the night in Adam and Kim's house. It took a few weeks for them to even reconnect let alone think of that but then after they had reconnected Erin decided to go back on contraception, she wasn't ready for the chance of getting pregnant again.
But of course, one week with the flu and here she was laying down on a doctors bed waiting to hear the news.
But she already knew, she'd known for weeks but she'd put it off. She didn't want to get her hopes up and she hadn't told Jay because she definitely didn't want to get his hopes up either. Luckily this time round she barely had morning sickness so it was easier to hide but she knew he was going to find out eventually.
Dr. Proudman entered the room, "Hey Erin, how are we feeling."
Erin shrugged and swallowed hard, "I don't really know yet."
"I completely understand, what you went through last time was unfortunate. But you need to remember nothing you did caused it, it's just sometimes these things happen out of our control."
"Yeah I know. We have finally just started getting back on track with things. I somewhat feel normal again. Not as sad, but now with this. If I'm pregnant, I don't...I don't know how to feel about it."
"I know it's hard but just try to stay positive."
"I'm trying." Erin forced a smile.
"Where's daddy?" Nina said as she got the needles ready to draw some blood.
"He doesn't know. I just don't want to get his hopes up until I know for sure."
Nina smiled lightly, "It's a lot easier when you let people in. You need support Erin."
"I know. Thankyou."
"Okay just a pinch," Nina said as she drew the blood, "If you just want to wait in the waiting room we should have the results back soon?"
"Sure thing, thankyou." Erin nodded as she stood up and made her way back to the waiting room.
The only thing Erin could focus on was the clock, she had zoned everything else out so all she could hear was the hands as they ticked over.
"Mrs Halstead?" A nurse said into the waiting room, Erin stood up, "Right this way."
"Thankyou." Again she went into Dr Proudmans office, this time she sat in front of her desk.
"Congratulations Erin, your pregnant," Erin didn't know whether to smile or cry. So she just sat there motionless, "I will get you up on the bed, we will do an ultrasound see how far along you are."
Erin nodded and walked over, laying down emotionless as she rolled her shirt up. She was there for a few seconds before she heard the very familiar sound of a baby's heartbeat, it would never get old.
"There's your baby." Nina smiled, as she moved the stick back and fourth.
Erin started tearing up, not one bit concerned of letting some fall, "How far along?"
"On the measurements, seems your 6 weeks. Congratulations."
"Thanks." Erin smiled then rolled her shirt down as Nina handed her the ultrasound pictures.
That night they were sitting at the dining table eating dinner, Erin couldn't help but smile at Jay. Even though he portrayed himself as a tough detective he was the best father who melted at the sight of his daughter.
"Here comes airplane." Jay said manoeuvring the spoon in the air as his daughter kicked and squirmed in her high chair.
"She can feed herself Jay." Erin chuckled.
"I know but it's fun and she loves it."
"Yeah but she needs to focus on the food infront of her." Erin pointed down.
Jay raised his arms and went back to eating his own food, "How was your day?"
"Good, I forgot how nice it is to have a day to myself here and there." Erin lied.
"You deserve it." Jay smiled.
She smiled then looked towards Lily who had finished her food, "What do you think sweet girl, bath and then bedtime story?"
The little girl rubber her balled fists in her eyes and nodded, "Shes exhausted. Come on let's get you to bed." Jay said lifting Lily into her arms.
"You got her? I will get her pyjamas ready." Erin asked.
"Sure thing I will start running the bath." Jay said and walked off in the other direction.
After they'd bathed and put Lily down Erin was showering while Jay cleaned up the kitchen, her phone started ringing inside her handbag, he was surprised she hadn't even got it out. Jay reached over the bench to get it, it was normal for them to answer one another's phones when the other person was busy, but instead he knocked the bag over. He ran around to the other side of the picking up the phone, "Erin Lindsay's phone."
"Hey Jay, it's Kim. Where's Erin?"
"Shower, everything all good?"
"Oh yeah just had a question for her."
"Anything I can help with?"
"Woman stuff Jay."
Jay laughed, "Oh right, sorry. I will tell her you called."
"Thanks, see you Jay."
"Bye Kim."
He smiled hanging up the phone, then he knelt down to put all Erin's things back in her bag. His smile quickly turned into a frown when he noticed an ultrasound picture that had fallen out too. And he knew for a fact they weren't in there 2 days ago, he went searching for some gum and he had to take everything out of her Mary Poppins bag until he found it.
Jay was startled when he heard Erin behind him, "Babe what you doing?" He could here the nervousness in her voice.
He quickly shoved everything back in her bag, not wanting to question it right now, "Kim rang, tried to reach over and grab your phone but I knocked it over."
"What did she want?"
"Woman stuff apparently." Jay shrugged awkwardly.
Erin forced a chuckle, "Right. Think she's just nervous to come back to work after having Lucas."
"Ah I see." Jay nodded.
"You okay?" Erin asked concerned.
"Yeah of course. I'm going to go shower." He said kissing her cheek before walking off.
One week had passed and Erin still hadn't told Jay she was pregnant. Jay knew, he was confused as to why she hadn't said anything and he was started to get a little frustrated by it and she could tell.
They were at work, it was a slow day. Erin could see Jay pacing back and fourth in the break room, so she got up and walked in, "You good?"
"Yeah just thinking."
"About?"
"About why my wife hasn't told me she's pregnant." He said getting straight to the point, he couldn't hold it in anymore.
Erin's eyes widened and she quickly backed up to shut the door quietly, "Jay..."
"No Erin, I don't get it. I've known for a week and not once did I think you had any intention in telling me." He said sadly.
"I just..." she was cut off by the knock at the door.
"Sorry guys. We got a case." Adam popped his head in.
"Yep no worries." Jay said and walked out barely looking at Erin on the way out.
"Jay.."
"Later Erin, we have work." Jay said cutting her off.
"What do we have?" She heard Jay say as she walked out.
"Gang shooting, let's roll." Voight said as he and the team ran down the stairs.
They walked in their house later that night, Lily on Jays hip and Erin carrying in dinner. Erin looked at Jay as he put Lily on the ground, "Can we talk?"
"After we put Lily to bed?"
"Okay." Erin nodded.
Thankfully Lily was bathed and fed already, Natalie and Will picked her up after daycare while they were stuck at work.
Erin started taking the Chinese out while Jay read Lily a story, they always made sure to take it in turns, no matter how tired either of them were.
She smiled when she saw Jay approaching her, "She go down easy?"
"She fought at first but yeah pretty easy. Uncle Will and Owen would have worn her out."
"That's for sure. So Jay about..."
"Er why didn't you tell me you were pregnant? I had to find out by some ultrasound pictures that I found in your bag. And then I felt like the guilty one." Jay said and by his tone Erin knew he was frustrated.
"I'm scared." She choked out.
Jays shoulders sunk as he walked around the counter and bought he in close to his chest. She was scared because she didn't want the same thing to happen like the last pregnancy.
"You have to lean on me babe. We are in this together remember." He said softly.
"Yeah I know, it's just I didn't want to believe it myself. Somehow I just wanted to think that maybe I could get past the first 14 weeks without you knowing, then maybe I could start enjoying the fact that I'm...Im pregnant."
Jay wiped the tears that were falling, "How far along are you?"
"7 weeks."
Jay smiled, "Wow. Is everything...is the baby healthy?"
"Yeah the doctor said everything's okay."
"This is a good thing Er. Another baby. I know we haven't been trying and you wanted to be the one to decide when we did again...actually wait a minute. How? I mean your on the pill and you have been making me wear condoms too." He said utterly confused.
She chuckled, she knew how much he hated wearing them but she didn't want it to happen, not so quickly anyway, "When we all got the flu. Why did we decided to have sex when we are felt disgusting."
"No idea. You happy?"
Erin shrugged, "I don't know yet."
"Your allowed to be you know that right?"
"I'll get there Jay."
Jay placed his hand on her stomach, cause her to flinch at first but then she relaxed, "We'll get there together."
