So i've had a bit of a week and I think it came out in my writing? Oops.
XXX
Helplessness was something Gisela had forgotten, somewhere along the line. Somewhere in between her two lives she had forgotten how it felt to be able to do nothing. To fix nothing.
To feel unable even to try because there was no course she could take. No path that she could walk.
Somewhere along the line she had forgotten that.
Even if she never did enough, couldn't do enough, she was used to there being something she could do.
There was always someone she could fight. A puzzle she could solve. A person she could talk to.
Something, anything that would move things along. To distract herself from the ever present worries that whispered in her ears.
From the reminders that followed her wherever she went. No matter how hard she tried to avoid them.
There was something she could do to try and stop the storm.
But she was helpless in front of this one. Stuck sitting in a bare room in the middle of the night, Asuka just having finished a tantrum while they waited for more information.
There was nothing Gisela could do.
It made her ache with uselessness.
What's the point if I can't even-
Wakaba, and probably Macao from Magnolia if he was able to teleport back, and maybe that was how he got to Magnolia if he had even made it back or something, were in there talking to the Rune Knights.
Fairy Tail had been accused of starting a guild war. Of using unreasonable force when against members of Twilight Ogre.
Something like that at least.
It wasn't like the Rune Knights were interested in telling them anything.
Probably because knowledge was power and if they did say something then that would give Fairy Tail another advantage.
Gisela glanced around. Saw Laki leaning against another part of the wall, fidgeting was a stick of wood.
It wasn't even a trouture trap of some sort.
It made her heart ache.
It was helplessness. That same feeling of uselessness, the inability to do something, anything to help.
Gisela saw it reflected on everyone else's faces. In Vijeeter's stillness and Max's silence. In Nab's fidgeting, doodles half come to life before fading back out.
Gisela hated it. She hated how she could see it In how Romeo and Mio were not arguing trying to listen, each one ear at the door, closer than they normally were when the duo weren't punching each other.
Again.
They were trying not to be helpless, they were trying to do something.
Gisela was tempted to tell them that it wouldn't work. She wasn't sure if it was kinder to give them the false hope that they could hear something, that they could bring back more information, or have someone tell them the truth.
That right now, there wasn't much anyone from Fairy Tail could do.
That all they could do was wait.
Gisela wished she was better with kids.
Everyone had been upset when the knights had come but it had been the three of them Mio, Romeo, and Asuka that took it the hardest.
Of course they had.
They were kids.
Romeo doesn't even have his dad here and Wakaba is busy as well.
All they could do was wait.
It was like being in the arena again, like having another ticking clock and some force keeping
score.
The only problem was that this time there was no board to look at, no announcer to explain the terms of the game.
They were players in a game that Gisela didn't even understand. That she didn't know how to play.
The weight was pressing back down on Gisela.
It was getting tighter.
Should I have expected this, she thought wildly.
Did this ever happen in canon? Gisela wracked her brain, trying to recall everything she had let fade away as she had tried to live in the now, tried to learn to exist in the world she was in, even if it wasn't the world that she had had Before.
Tried to get better and to start moving forward, as stupid as it had been.
But.
The manga had been from Before. Thinking of it meant remembering things that ached and-
Gisela didn't like that pain.
I'm paying for it now.
She still didn't remember anything about whether this had happened. She still didn't have any way of knowing if Fairy Tail would be okay now that it had happened.
I exist now, and what if-
What if I-
Gisela shoved the thought away. She had joined Fairy Tail. She couldn't undo that now.
All she could do was wait.
She was beginning to hate waiting.
Mickey was pacing back and forth, back and forth and Gisela wanted to go to her partner but didn't know what she would say, she had no promises to give, no assurances to make.
There was nothing she could do.
She was helpless and it ached.
Gisela breathed. She let the cool, hewn stone behind her hand out of view, she turned out the feeling of her coat, her study designed to deal with mage fights where everything gets torn up coat, over her worn, old pyjamas.
The quiet conversation faded away.
Gisela let herself float.
She let herself feel, but not feel herself.
It had been awhile since she had gone so deep.
Since she had needed to go so far away in order to find a place to breathe.
Everyone was worried.
Gisela could feel it.
In.
Their magic was sizzlingly through the air, not true magic pressure, not the energy that formed waves of force to force down the weak, but fizzles of it.
Preparation.
Out.
The weather was clear. They would have had good weather for the final tomorrow.
It still felt like a storm was breaking over her skin.
In.
It was a whole system. A system of worry and comfort and stress and-
And hope.
Out.
There was hope. Hope that things would be okay, hope that there was some sort of miracle that could help them.
Hope and faith.
In.
It was warm.
Gisela opened her eyes, feeling a little less jittery as she glanced around. Was it really necessary to hold us all here?
She doubted it.
Probably some sort of posturing.
Thinking about that didn't help. She couldn't help but think through every possible punishment that a guild could receive, all the way to disbandment and where would she and Mickey go if Fairy Tail was gone because-
The door swung up, Mio and Romeo just managed to dodge out of the way of it's swing, eyes wide with surprise.
Wakaba was on the other side, distantly Gisela noted that he was flanked by two Rune Knights, face wrinkled with exhaustion.
"Wakaba-", Bisca started.
"We are being released for now".
"For now?".
"Trials take time, but they know they can't hold all of us long term". One of the Rune Knights made a slight face behind Wakaba, nose twisted it what Gisela thought was either disgust or derision.
Probably derision but Gisela just wasn't sure. She never was that good at reading faces.
"So what happens-".
The other Rune Knight interrupted. "Tonight you are permitted to go back to your lodgings, however if your Guildmaster does not-", Gisela could tell Wakaba wanted to interrupt, he didn't. "Present himself at your appointed date that will be considered in your sentencing".
"Thank you". Gisela couldn't help but notice that Wakaba didn't say what for. Not like there is anything.
Nobody talked on the way out, everyone aware of the tension. It was one of those moments on a knife's edge, a moment where it felt like any word would be enough to spring the trap.
There was no sign of Eric.
Mickey brushed closed by and Gisela let herself lean in, enjoying the quiet moment of comfort.
Pi-chan landed on her head.
He was heavy.
The sun was just barely rising over the horizon as they filed their way out, Gisela's back itching from the harsh gazes.
It was that rare time when only the bakers were starting to get up, most everyone else still asleep, even the people most dedicated to partying after the Games from the day before.
Gisela couldn't help but be glad of how desert the streets were, how empty they were. She didn't feel like seeing people, not when she already felt so worn.
It was a relief when they made it back to the lodge.
No one bothered going back to sleep, instead they gathered pulling together the tables so that they could all see each other.
It was like any other meal.
Almost.
Normally there was no feeling of impending doom. No sword dangling over their heads and creating a tension that kept even the most chaotic members calm.
"What happened", Mickey asked, voice sharp. "What really happened, not whatever bullshit the Rune Knights are trying to claim".
"Late this afternoon a fight did break out between Jet, Droy and Kianna", Kianna? Wakaba was still talking and Gisela had to listen, "and Thiabult and Mattan of Twilight Ogre".
Max jumped in, "but Fairy Tail is our guild, Magnolia is our town, they are the ones who-"
"Thiabult is currently in Magnolia's hospital with no word on if he is going to survive".
Gisela felt her stomach plummet. Plants and speed, how did that happen? Jet and Droy had good control.
"Even so, witnesses are claiming that Fairy Tail was the aggressor, even though our members claim that they were attacked. Naturally, with the reputation that we have, the Rune Knights are choosing to believe Twilight Ogre".
"Is that why they gave us the lock?". Laki asked.
"Yes, they were afraid we would somehow assist our guild members from Crocus". That bit Gisela knew for sure was said sarcastically.
Gisela had so many questions.
"Is everyone okay?". Alzak asked, worried.
"Everyone is fine". Gisela really did not like the way Wakaba said that, there was an intonation that just felt wrong.
"You said Kianna was in the fight, she's okay, right?". It took Gisela a moment to realize the voice was hers.
She didn't regret it, not when Kianna would have been in a mage fight without any magic of her own to protect her and-
"Kianna", Wakaba started, slowly as if he was trying to find the right words to say as Gisela felt her heart sink. "Kianna is currently being held by the Rune Knights".
"What", the guild shouted at once and Gisela didn't have to worry about shouting when everyone was doing it.
Wakaba sighed and massaged his noses, face looking incredibly old for a moment. "Her magic awoke apparently, and she was the one who poisoned the member of Twilight Ogre".
Suddenly it was Gisela who couldn't breathe.
I was the one who encouraged her to learn. If I hadn't-
But Gisela couldn't imaging not offering to teach someone who wanted to learn, not after how hard it had been and how much she had wanted and-
I shouldn't have gone to the games. Maybe if I had stayed back or-
Wakaba had started talking again, conversation dying down as everyone turned back to focus on him.
"We won't be able to finish the games. Apparently, as a guild with a pending case against us our participation is invalid and our scores discounted. We will also likely be banned for some time period to come".
It was funny how little Gisela cared. Well, she had sort of been expecting it but still.
Gisela from a week ago had been so stressed.
So worried.
Gisela of now just wanted to make sure Kianna was okay and that they wouldn't lose the guild and-
She wanted to be able to do something that mattered. Something that would help.
There was nothing she could think of.
Why am I always so useless-
"How harsh do you think they are going to go?", Max asked.
"You know how the Rune Knights feel about us. As far as I can tell we have a fairly strong case but they are going to try and milk us for everything we have".
It's not fair.
It was a stupid, petty thought. Gisela knew it was a stupid, petty thought. But her home, her family was paying because Natsu and everyone couldn't control their magic enough to play nice with the Rune Knight and then left.
They were the ones who left and made everyone else deal with the mess they had left behind.
They were the ones who had given Fairy Tail its reputation, who had antagonized and antagonized until everyone was looking for ways to shut the guild down because they ignored the laws and caused wanton destruction wherever they went, along with whatever job they had been hired to do.
It was the members of Fairy Tail who were gone. Who weren't paying for everything that they had sowed.
It was on them.
If they had been there then maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It was a petty, bitter thought. Wakaba was still talking and there was a low buzz of conversation about plans to move out and all of that was important but-
But she couldn't help but think about it.
Couldn't help, but for a moment, to think about the Tenrou Team and be angry.
It was bitter and petty and Gisela knew that.
She also knew more than that. So much more. You know about the dragon. Gisela reminded herself, pushing the thought away. You know that they would be back if they could be back, that they didn't have a choice in what happened to them.
You know that.
You of all people don't have a right to blame them for being gone when you remember that they didn't have a choice.
They had been holding hands as a dragon had borne down on them, beaten and broken from some other fight against a dark guild and something about Zeref that Gisela needed to remember, they had been holding hands.
She was pretty sure they didn't mean to leave everyone behind for seven years.
Besides, you are here right now and you can't do any better so there is no point in blaming them.
It was a small petty thought.
Gisela needed to be better than it.
Gisela pushed it away, the plan had been settled, Wakaba was going to stay here, Macao hadn't actually made it back, but had been teleporting part of the way and gotten stuck halfway between Crocus and Magnolia was going to head back to Crocus, at which point Wakaba would head back to Magnolia to be with everyone else.
Bisca was in charge in the meantime.
They would be taking a few hours to sleep, which, as the stress of everything left her body and Gisela felt the pressure of a deep deep exhaustion, Gisela appreciated, even as she itched to get moving. After that they would be heading back.
It was one of those nights.
One of the nights where the world was pressing down.
Funny, I haven't had one of these in awhile.
It had been nice to have a break from them.
Gisela tried to listen to Mickey's breathing, to Laki's quiet snores. Tried to focus herself on those and not on the crushing weight.
She breathed lightly.
Deep breaths would probably be more calming but light ones were easier. Easier in and easier out, even if it was probably less healthy.
I need to sleep.
They were going to get moving later. That was important.
She needed to be ready for that. She needed to be strong enough that she didn't hold Fairy Tail back, didn't drag them even farther down.
This didn't happen in canon.
At least, not in Gisela's memory of canon.
It didn't make breathing any easier.
She forced herself to focus on it. Focus on the way her sheets shifted on top of her, the cloth sliding against her skin.
Focus on how it felt when her diaphragm, and go Voice classes from before, she had learned something there, expanded and contracted each and every time.
It was simple.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Make them deeper. Intentional. That helps.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
There wasn't any meditation to it. Just steady determination as Gisela tried to force herself to sleep.
She was running and there was a storm coming and the storm was a dragon and she needed to warn Mickey and Laki because they would get blown away and Max was already swept away and her siblings from before were there and everyone was melting and-
Gisela swung wildly.
Then she opened her eyes.
Laki was staring at her.
Gisela's fist was stinging.
"I told you to be careful", Mickey called cheerfully.
Gisela glanced at her fist.
She glanced at Laki. Remembered Laki being swept away and those final, desperate moments of reaching out even thought Gisela knew she wouldn't be able to go far enough and-
"I'm sorry". Gisela didn't want to look back up.
"You think I can't take a punch? Nab hits harder than that and half the time he's too lazy to move from his spot".
Gisela was fairly sure she hit harder then Nab. At least she hoped that was a reasonable assumption that she could make.
I'm sorry. It didn't come out. Thanks, she wanted to say, I appreciate it. Would have been another good thing but magic was still vibrating in her veins from moments already half remembered and the lump in her throat just wasn't lifting.
She tried to grin instead as the pause stretched out and Gisela knew she was only making it worse.
Her grins weren't always that good. Gisela was pretty sure this one looked like it was half snarl, not her intention at all.
The bathroom looked open.
Mickey had likely just come out before Laki had woken her up or something.
Gisela tried not to think of how heavily she must have been sleeping for that to happen, instead she took the opportunity, ducking around and grabbing her clothes and shutting the door.
Safe.
"I can do this", Gisela told herself, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Eyes baggy and hair tangled.
Her voice sounded funny like it wasn't really hers. Like it was someone else's. Not even that it was supposed to be her voice from before, but just-
Just different.
Wrong.
Her mouth tasted like ashes and regret.
"I can do this".
It only sounded a little false.
"I can do this", she repeated.
Then she realized she really did need to get ready because they needed to move and Gisela didn't want to hold anyone back and-
In a way it was lucky that they had a timeline. It meant that Gisela didn't have time to fall apart.
It didn't matter if she wanted to fall apart.
It wouldn't help anything. If Gisela wanted to be worth it, if she wanted to be useful then she needed to hold it together at least for a little while longer.
I really haven't felt like this for a while.
It wasn't fun that it came back.
Everyone was quiet downstairs and Gisela was almost relieved to see that she wasn't the only one with bags under her eyes. Asuka was curled up in her father's arms. It almost looked like Romeo and Mio wanted to do the same.
Not that they would appreciate the suggestion.
It would be a long trip home, for all of them.
