62: Fractured

Yuuki

Friday

9:15 PM

"…Four ribs, two on each side towards the chest?"

"Yes," The doctor answers my mom's questions clinically. His patchy facial hair and unkempt bowl cut scream fatigue. Maybe they called him in last minute. "Some fall to fracture four ribs AND leave a large bruise on his back."

His pointed gaze turns towards me. My eyes, locked with the incandescent bulb flickering irregularly on the ceiling, avoid him. A small shrug later, he faces my parents again.

"Standard dosages of ibuprofen will dull the pain enough. Walking's fine, but don't let him do any other exercise. Make sure he takes at least one deep breath an hour to ensure his lungs don't collapse. Fractures like these can take up to six weeks to fully heal, so it's paramount he relaxes as much as he can."

"Six weeks?" I repeat, audible only to myself. Another avenue to escaping my thoughts promptly closed.

"We'll let your sensei know." My father rubs my shoulder and smiles softly. As a smile lights his face, I notice the streams of dried tears down his cheek. Any recent resentment I've held towards them fades as my hand clasps his strong fingers.

But I'm not secure. Guilt consumes me, and God refuses me.

In one night, I spat on everything I've ever been taught. I'd tried so, so hard to control my temper, grow my relationships, and develop an open mind, but none of it stuck. When I found out about Kyoui…Kasannoin, I cracked. I knew him for so long, but all that time, he hid the kind of person he was from me. Why did he even make friends with me in the first place? Pity? Boredom? Reputation? He made excuse, but I can't trust anything he says anymore. Outside a church, God's temple, I beat him to a bloody pulp. I could've owned up to it in then, but I refused. I stayed out late and looked for someone, anyone to let my anger out on.

The Bible talks about self-control. I had none. My sensei stresses discipline time and time again. I had none. God says the truth will set you free. Again, I had none.

One last chance to set things right, and I lied. Made up some bullshit about falling down a staircase instead of saying who hurt me and who started it. It's not even a half-truth I can rationalize myself; my story was completely made up.

What's happened to me? I just… I hate who I am now.

But… It's my responsibility, isn't it? I need to live up to my family's expectations. I need to be good for Sekai. I need to succeed in my career and leave my mark. Why would I risk throwing that all away just to satisfy my guilty conscience?

That's why I haven't even tried apologizing to God. Every day I live knowing that lie prevails. I'm kidding myself. I know a fence-sitting Christian is useless. It was one thing to stop holding others to my standards, but I'm choosing to fall short of them now.

I'm choosing to wear a mask that says I'm the same Yuuki Ashikaga everyone's always known… I grit my teeth and squeeze the cushion on the examination table as the doctor gently leads me off.

Who would love to hear I am pulling the same kind of crap he did for years? Pathetic as it is, my eye grows red, and tears well up inside. My faith fractured, what do I have left? If I'm honest with Sekai, I know she'll leave me. I'm not like Kasannoin; he told the truth because he knows he can start over somewhere else. His parents are shitty, and he never had college dreams anyways.

I have way more to live for. Doesn't that justify me… Doesn't it?

I do not get an answer. My phone's been buzzing, but I would vomit if I tried to lie to her now. I'll text her tomorrow. I think it'll be easier then?

"Mom, Dad," I watch them as they carefully bring me to the parking lot, near downtown peppered with car engines and traffic lights, and I sigh thinking about the long day home. "It hurts a lot… Can I stay home from school tomorrow?"

"I…" My mom hesitates, but my dad pats her on the back and reassures her.

"He's earned a break," he nods at me and I return a fake smile. "You must be tired… I'll let Father Tokugawa know you're recovering. I respect how dedicated you are, but you have to tell us next time you're dropping by the church late, alright?"

"Yes, Dad…" I say. "And thank you,"

It's weird them to see them act so… nice to me? No, that's not the right word. I thought they'd be understandably frustrated. They were probably so worried when urgent care called them. Maybe they are just glad I'm okay, so the relief's making them act kinder than usual.

It's a nice change of pace… But I know I don't deserve it. Especially when I have to listen to them parrot a lie I told and act like everything's normal.

There was no reason to hurt Kasannoin like that. There was definitely no reason to beat up Sawanaga. Who knows if he's okay? Is he gonna tell people about what happened? If I lie, they'll probably believe me. He's never been that popular, and he's got a reputation for lying to get out of trouble.

Is this who I am now? Someone who relies on who people think I am to avoid consequences?

God feels so far away right now. I tried to pray so many times while I was waiting for my parents to drive over, but it rang hollow. I felt like I didn't deserve to talk to God after everything.

I hate this feeling that I'm letting everyone down without them even knowing I'm letting them down.

I wrap my arms around my chest as we start the drive home. My mind's a fog I can't escape. There's no light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm lost.

Saturday

12:45 PM

My eyes peel open. It's not the first time; the ibuprofen's not as strong as I wanted it to be. I woke up so many times in the middle of the night; it's only natura I'd take this long to wake up.

I check my cellphone, and sure enough, it's 12:45. I guess if I'm going to miss a day, it might as well be a half-one.

Lump in my throat, I check my texts. Sure enough, Sekai's bombarded me with calls and message. My eyes glaze over as I take them in.

September 1, Friday, 10:00 PM

From: Saionji, Sekai

To: Ashikaga, Yuuki

Subject: Hey

"I just wanted to check up on you. How did things go?"

10:01 PM

"I'm so sorry… Just know I'm here for you…"

10:15 PM

"Yuuki-kun… Are you okay?"

10:30 PM

"Please… I'm worried about you"

10:45 PM

"Don't leave me in the dark… Don't shut me out, okay? I wanna help you…"

11:00 PM

"Before… I was meeting up with my Dad. He came to town out of the blue, and I was worried you'd stop me from meeting him. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed what you were going to think about it. Please just talk to me…"

11:30 PM

"Where are you…?"

September 2nd, Saturday, 12:30 PM

"You dont have to explain everything right now. Just tell me you're okay."

My fingers curl into fist, and my nails stab into my palms. Eyes shut tight, my teeth clench together. I love her; I swear I do. She's got so much going on; she doesn't need to worry about my problems. I already give her too much baggage.

I'm… better now, right? Yeah, that's it; I had a bad fall, I'm sorry I didn't text you, I can't wait to see you again. I'll be a better person; the person she probably wants me to be! All this is in the past, right? I won't even be thinking about this a year from now. What's the big deal?

Smiling, I draft a message.

September 2nd, Saturday, 12:50 PM

From: Ashikaga, Yuuki

To: Saionji, Sekai

Subject: Re: Hey

"I'm really sorry, Sekai-chan… I was working late at the church, and I fell down the stairs outside the sanctuary. I'm okay, but I broke a few ribs. So much for karate, haha. I'm home now, but it was hard to sleep. Thanks for loving me like you do :) I'm gonna work hard so I can see you again. I just wish you could hold me right now… I love the way your hands feel against me, the way our hair smells…Don't apologize for meeting your Dad like that. Just because we're together, doesn't mean we need to know everything about each other, right? It's okay to have private business and stuff. I can tell you about it when we meet in person. Maybe after Mass tomorrow, we can grab lunch? I kinda like it when you drag me around, weird as that sounds, but don't this time. I'm trying not to break another rib, haha. Let's go somewhere besides Crème de la Crème, though, okay? Ily"

She's probably gonna roll her eyes at me sending her an essay, but she kinda deserves it after how long I've been putting this off. If she's mad, it's okay; I'll apologize and move on. But what if she doesn't believe me…?

I guess I'll just have to keep explaining until she does.

You can't live in the past. Sometimes, moving on does mean just not bringing it up, right? It'd hurt us, and she doesn't need the stress. Besides, I'm bigger than this. It's weird for me to think like this, but I feel kinda free. Weird but free.

All this time, I feel like stuff's been tying me down. If it took me a few cracked ribs to help me figure it out, maybe it was worth it?

"Ow!" My hand clasps the lower half of my chest.

Okay, probably not. It already feels weird, but I'm starting to think I've been doing a lot of things wrong.

I hit send.

Sekai

Saturday

12:52 PM

"Oh my god!"

I jump as my cell vibrates in my pocket. An old man slouching at a nearby bench at the train station gives me a side eye. I've seen that look WAY too many times at Summer Radish. I stick my tongue out at him, and he sighs and looks away.

I flip it open and read the message. Finally, after so long, he's giving me closure.

I swallow hard as I finish reading.

That's… It?

He was working late, and he fell down some stairs? Broke a couple ribs?

I slouch in my seat. A pit forms in my stomach. What is this feeling? I'm relieved, I guess? Confused? I feel dumb for being so worried, but he wasn't responding. That's so weird for him. I don't know where to start.

For once, I actually hope the train does take a while to make its way here. It feels weird trying to text when there's so many people around.

From: Saionji, Sekai

To: Ashikaga, Yuuki

Subject: Hey

September 2nd, Saturday, 12:54 PM

"Thank God! You have no idea how worried I was…Take advantage of the break, okay? With everything that's going on, it's good to take time to yourself. I'm down to meet tomorrow, but you gotta make sure you're up for it first."

That's a start. Now, I'll melt the ice.

12:55 PM

"Also, it'd be probably be easier to read tat as four texts rather than one whole ass essay. We get enough walls of texts in class, lol :P"

I sigh. Already, things feel… normal. But, I'm still kind of upset? Even with how busy he was, he didn't have the time to tell me that? It would've been easy to explain. I try to push out the thought, but maybe I shouldn't. I have the right to be kind of upset.

12:57 PM

"Hey… I'm really glad you're okay, but you've gottta communicate, alright? If that's what it was, why didn't you tell me? You were acting weird all day, and you didn't even say you need space. We're a team, ya know? I deserve better than to be shut out"

Ouch, that last part was kinda blunt. But it's true! He scared the shit out of me with how he reacted to finding out about Kasannoin and ghosting me like that. Is he just… better already?

My phone buzzes.

12:59 PM

"Maybe your nerdy boyfriend just likes essays? What do you have to say to that :P I'll be careful; if I'm still feeling like crap, I'll let you know. You're right; I should've said something earlier. Tokugawa has a thing about me using phones in church, haha. I'll get back to you faster from now on. You're right! It's nice to just be chill and take a load off. Now that I stop to think about, school is pretty hard ,lol. I'm taking the slightly longer weekend in stride. But I KNOW I kinda wanna see you, because all I've been thinking about while I'm in bed is you. And when I say think about you, I mean THINK about you ;) My girlfriend is hot as hell, like DAMN"

Well, THAT took a turn. I roll my eyes and laugh. His explanation makes sense, but it kind of feels like he's blowing it off. But, I guess it's good he's not beating himself up over it like he does a lot. He said he'll get back to me more, so as long as he does that.

But wow, I've NEVER heard him talk (or text, meh) like that before.

1:01 PM

"See, THAT's why it makes more sense to spread out your messages. If you wanna be all academic about it, that's a shitty paragraph, because your sentences are off-topic. Guess that makes ME the bigger nerd, lolol :P"

1:02 PM

"Alright, fair enough. Just… Make time for me, okay? I'm cool, lol"

1:03 PM

"Am I gonna need to wash that mouth with soap or what? Did you get podsnatched, Yuuki? That's NOT my man :P Isnt there some bible verse about idle hands being the devil's workshop or smth? But I guess yours HAVEN'T been idle XD Probably hard to get into that when your ribs are hurting like hell tho, lol."

1:04 PM

"We're both hot as hell tho; you right. Find some time for us to be alone, and I'd be throw my body against those muscles "

My heart skips a beat as I finish writing. There was that one time on the rooftop, but we've never done anything beyond that. What's got him talking like this? I kinda like it, but… It's not really him? Then again, I have been telling him to loosen up. I got a crush on the cute karate nerd, but it's okay if he's developing a bit of a wild side. I'm probably just a bad influence.

My phone vibrates again.

1:06 PM

"Well, I hadn't had time to think about it a lot, but when we were on the rooftop… Damn, there's so much more I wanted to do. I held back, but making you feel good is kind of my job as a boyfriend so I haven't been giving those thighs enough attention, babe. That's gonna change. Maybe tomorrow, who knows? "

"Jesus," Beet red, I fiddle with my phone trying to text back. He's a little awkward, but damn it's hot that he's this into me. Maybe these are all the thoughts he was too shy to say. I guess this is him communicating more? Or maybe he's just trying to distract himself from the Kasannoin thing?

1:08 PM

"Babe, huh? Okay, you devil God's gonna have to put you in detention, lol. Yeah, I think stuff like that about you… What, I ain't saying yet :P Let's just say I want you to put those thick arms and strong hands to good use on me Once your ribs are better, you'll get to see what I mean.."

I hope I'm not being slutty. I know it's dumb to think like that, but I'm not that kind of girl, right? Besides, ain't he the slut for bringing this up? I'm just along for the ride.

1:10 PM

"What's another confessional visit? :P If you could see me right now… You're kinda making me wild That kiss when we see each other is gonna be long and hard, and that's just act 1 ;)"

"Oh my god," I snort, legs kicking up and down. I'm a mess; it's funny and SO hot to see him like this. I guess his… drive has just been bubbling under the surface. I wonder if Chie's been giving him love advice or something? Before I can respond, a sterile announce rings out from the speakers as my train pulls into the station.

1:12 PM

"You're on fire, hehe. We're gonna take a short intermission, but don't worry; act 2's coming ;)"

A/N: Hey, ya'll! Since I last published on here, I graduated and got a full-time job. My schedule's really busy with all that life jazz, but I had some time off this week, so I just felt like spending it writing another chapter. I was in such a different head space when I started writing this, but writing these characters and getting back into this weird world is nostalgic for me, so I'll be back irregularly to work on this whenever that feeling hits me at the right moment. Thank you so much for your feedback, support, and just for being you! Have a happy holiday season!