CHAPTER VII: SYMBIOSIS
"You have failed every test we had you perform," Sebas comments diplomatically, his tone devoid of any hint of personal bias. Though I feel upset at being here in his office to be chastised after a months worth of training, I swallow my pride and listen without commenting. Sebas continues his assessment, his gaze and posture neutral as he adds, "Your physical attributes have degraded and though you have shown high levels of growth in intelligence and willpower, these scores are sub-par overall."
Sebas flips to the next set of reports in the folder on his desk, the sound of him moving papers in the silence putting me on edge for some reason. He quickly reads the next report without looking at me, saying as he reads, "I've personally spoken with each of the Pleiades who tested you and they all come to the same conclusion. In your current state, you are unfit for combat duty and require more extensive rehabilitation."
I had correctly assumed that trying to hide my weakness would only make them notice more. Sebas closes the file and slides it to the left, saying to me in a voice weighed down by responsibility, "The final decision is mine despite my protests but before I make said decision, I want to hear your side of things."
"I thought I'd already given you that," I reply with as much courtesy as he's displaying, Sebas smiling lightly for a second before returning to his usual serious expression. He places his left hand on the folder of reports before saying, "I've read your written testimony multiple times but I want to hear it directly from you."
I lean back in the armchair I'm in, feeling uncomfortable with his request. I couldn't think of what he would want to hear that I haven't already given him. Sebas sees my doubt and moves another folder in front of him, opening it and reading some of the contents before saying, "On record, you reported that you fear what you've become because you can't control any of it. The overwhelming urges from communing with darkness are growing beyond your ability to resist. Your draconic tendencies induce a similar effect each time you use them and your use of alchemy causes physical damage to your body for even minor uses. In summary, you have power but at significant risk and cost."
I had been very vocal in hating my current situation and didn't feel it's necessary to bring it up again. Sebas nods in response to my silence before closing the new file, his hand sliding the document towards the others. Though his face is the same mask of calm and control, his eyes go from a diplomatic neutral to something more sympathetic. He locks his hands together and places his elbows on the desk as he says, "I know what it is you really fear."
I try to say something but Sebas doesn't let me, his right hand rising gently to ask for a hold on any rebuttal I might have. When he's sure I'm going to listen and stay silent, he continues with, "Although my exposure to you has been brief, I can tell that you wish for the best outcome for those around you. Every guardian and even the supreme ones have seen your actions, foolishly done and sometimes at too high a cost but always necessary. However, I can also see that reality has set in and that you understand that you have something to lose. That idea of loss causes great fear in you."
I remain silent for a long time, trying to think of what to say now that I can say something but suddenly finding nothing to give. I can't meet his gaze anymore and lower my head in defeat, the feeling of exposure and vulnerability awful and overwhelming. Sebas sounds more sympathetic when he gently says, "You must never forget that fear is the strongest motivator. You choose to make the most of any situation despite the guaranteed hardship to avoid this fear but when you lose perspective on the fear itself and forget it's there, you lose your sense of self more readily."
Sebas slides another folder across the desk as he continues with, "That being said, Demiurge completed his newest analysis of your body when you were unconscious a few days ago. I think you'll want to see his findings for yourself."
He gently opens the folder for me, revealing the documents inside before rotating the folder around so that its right side up. I'm partly annoyed but not surprised that such a thing happened while I was out but I don't dwell on it, leaning forward slightly to read the contents of the new folder. I scan the summary and the pictures but several words are bolded and underlined several times throughout. Once I've read enough, I lean back in the armchair confused by the message as Sebas says with a smile, "Our tests weren't meant for direct benefit only and you weren't actually meant to pass them. They were primarily done to provide relevant data for Demiurge so that he can give an accurate assessment of your current needs. Why else would we give you tests you can barely pass? You aren't a Pleiade."
"So let me see if I understand what I just read... if I simply... believe... that I can control my abilities, that's how it'll be?" I reply incredulously because I don't believe that it can be as easy as described. Sebas snorts and chuckles lightly before sayings, "That is the same assessment I've come to when Demiurge first approached me with the final report. We are still trying to understand your predicament fully and to be frank, you are still an abnormality that few of us have experience in dealing with. However, you are also the product of an extremely powerful group with an extremely powerful artefact so we aren't completely in the dark."
Curious about Demiurge's theory, I lift my right-hand palm upwards and try to fabricate something out of prima material. Both of us look at my hand as it does nothing it's meant to do, my fingers wiggling to try and will the power into being but to no success. I hum in annoyances as I put my hand back on the armrest of the chair, shrugging as I say, "I don't think Demiurge's theory is that accurate this time. Normally, I just-"
Energy arcs off my right hand, projecting into the armrest of the chair. I jump out of the chair and spin around, watching dumbfounded as it transforms into a green mote of prima matter. I look back at Sebas who gestures with his head towards the matter ball, my head turning back and my right hand moving towards the mote. I will the ball of emerald light to change back into the chair prior and am surprised when arcs of emerald energy flow off of my fingers in a steady stream. The mote slowly returns to its original form and I can't help but smile and exhale in exhilaration at being successful.
"That... that worked!" I say with exuberance but quickly calm down when I remember who I'm with. I quickly turn back around and sit down, Sebas smiling lightly as he says, "Demiurge is hardly wrong about these things and that is the reason he is our head researcher and physician. But back to my question. What is your side of your experience learning from us?"
I try to contain my joyful emotions and regain my composure, clearing my throat before replying calmly, "The Pleiades are right. I am physically weaker but I can think quicker and with more detail than before. However, that alone doesn't make me combat ready so I'll need more assistance to figure out my role in a squad."
"Role in a squad? So you won't be shouldering the burden by yourself anymore?" Sebas asks with a hint of humour, his form finally rising from his seat for the first time in our meeting. He gestures towards the wall with his right hand, summoning a gate into existence as he explains, "Don't answer that. You have already been officially discharged from our care. Go and get some rest. There's someone waiting for your return."
"Thank you, Sebas, for all that the Pleiades have done for me," I say with respect as I rise from my seat and place my hand over my heart, bowing at the waist to him. I don't get to see his reaction to my efforts but he replies firmly as I go back to a stand, "The Pleiades still want to test the peak of your power and so do I. You've shown potential we haven't seen in a long time and may never see again. Make sure you can reach it this time without falling too hard."
I nod my head as I walk towards the gate, confident that I would try to do what he asked.
There's no mistaking Shalltear half laying on the bar stand when I arrive, surrounded by empty glasses and mugs that Sous Chef is busy cleaning. I cross the open spaces to sit next to her, Sous Chef sliding a drink across the bar stand to where I'm about to sit with practised precision. He continues his work of rapid cleaning and prepping with his strange limbs as he comments, "Shalltear has been here for a week now."
"I figured," I reply as I gently sit down on the barstool and take the drink from the bar stand. One sip tells me it isn't anything obviously alcoholic, a strong blend of citrus, sharp and biting but refreshing, poking my tongue and throat as it goes down. I look over at Shalltear who is passed out drunk, Sous Chef nodding his bulbous head as he says with exhaustion, "She's been ranting about how you're looking for any excuse to be away from her because you aren't man enough to get a divorce."
"I'm sorry you had to endure that. She says that more than she means it," I reply while placing my left hand on Shalltear's right hand. She's so drunk that she doesn't notice my touch but surprisingly, she looks more at peace and content once I place my hand there. However, she must have consumed enough to not feel anything so her reaction could be random for all I know.
"Is she right?" Sous Chef says as diplomatically as possible but there's no mistaking his accusation. I smile as I shake my head no and take another drag of the drink in front of me but before I can answer him properly, he places something else in front of me. I look down to see a familiar type of brown cake on a white plate with a silver fork that looks and smells delicious. Everything about it looks the way I remember it and I laugh lightly as I say with disbelief, "Is that what I think it is?"
"Farmer's cake. She told me it's your favourite," he replies professionally, my head nodding as I take the fork without ceremony and shovel some of the cake into my mouth. It tastes just like it's meant to with a hint of carrot, almond, and pineapple blended into a cinnamon sugar cake. I try not to consume the rest out of courtesy and swallow the parts in my mouth before I reply with regret, "Shalltear isn't wrong about me most of the time... but she's wrong about that-"
"It takes a unique type of man to love a woman like her. I think you're doing as well as anyone would," he replies, my head nodding in appreciation of the cake and the slight praise. I get up and try to gently move Shalltear into my arms, part of me is expecting her to lash out or snap into alertness to rant at me. Instead, her arms move limply around my shoulders as I pick her up by the waist. I feel her right-hand move behind my head, channelling magic into a new gate that opens on one of the nearby walls. I make sure to pay for the substantial tab that Shalltear was building with Sous Chef before leaving, Sous Chef thanking me greatly for my wise oversight. Though I'm annoyed by just how much is spent, I temper the thought with the knowledge that money isn't an issue for us.
A quick walk through the gate gets us home to our shared room, still darkly decorated and well-maintained thanks to the maids. They are still preparing the room when we arrive, their work switching to rapid and precise movements once they realize their master has returned early. I walk silently towards our shared bed, freshly prepared, as the maids move towards the exit of the room quickly and silently, all of them lining up at the door and bowing to us before exiting and shutting the doors quietly.
I gently place Shalltear under the pressed covers, forced to move the sheets away one-handed. As soon as I place her in bed, I can tell that something is off because her eyes are open but she stares at nothing in particular. I instinctively hold her right hand with my left and feel my heart skip a beat when she gently holds my hand in return. It had been about a month since we had direct physical contact and having it now put me at ease, more than I thought it would. She doesn't really acknowledge me entirely even as she starts to slide to the other side of the bed, pulling me onto it awkwardly and forcing me to use the hand she isn't holding to adjust the sheets so that I'm under them rather than on top of them.
Once the sheets are back in place, we lay there in silence, staring at the ceiling. I look over to my left and find her staring at me, her eyes hollow and her silver hair more unkept then usual. This close, there's no mistaking the problem she has and I gently move onto my left side and pull her into an embrace, baring my neck for her and closing my eyes. Her teeth dig into the meat of my right shoulder as she sucks some of my vitality out, her hunger and desperation readily apparent in how greedily she feeds. Her arms wrap around me as she continues to drain my blood but she seems to know when to stop, gasping loudly once she finally has enough. Her breathing is ragged and laboured as I whisper groggily, "You weren't taking care of yourself as much as you said you were... do you feel better...?"
All she can give me is a slight nod as she fights the urges that drinking blood brings. Her body starts shaking uncontrollably and her nails start to dig into my back from her spasms. I hold her close as I hear her groan in agony as her body starts to restore itself, the fresh blood enhancing her healing abilities that have been left unused for an unknown amount to time. I feel her nails and the tips of her fingers dig into my back more as she groans, "I... I need... more..."
I nod and bare my neck to her again but she quickly pushes her weight into me and puts me on my back. The pain and sadness quickly wash away for both of us in a violent tide of emotions and our inhibitions are thrown out once we reach the same conclusion of desire. I barely feel nor care that she violently closes my wounds in the most painful way possible because the physical urges and emotional needs block out such rational thoughts and considerations. However, I still have enough time with rational thoughts to know that I'll have to pay for tearing up her dress and underwear in my frenzy but perhaps it wouldn't be as bad this time since she's doing the same to my clothes without hesitation.
Every bit of courtesy and humility we have for each other is replaced with simple lust, my body going upright into a sitting position as every one of her limbs clings to me. She seems completely fine with a connection after so long away and the entire time we lose ourselves in passion and desire, she has a manic smile on her face that can only be briefly seen between kisses. Such a smile is a good sign but there didn't need to be any words or justifications for why we were doing this. Yet from what I keep feeling with my hands, her skin starts to feel smoother and her proportions start to fill back in with each moment we spent together. Though my mind is hazy with the ecstasy of bonding with her again, rational thought breaks through just enough to give me concern for her condition prior to this moment.
Some semblance of her mental capacity returns because she's able to whisper between kisses and movements, "It wasn't... the same... stealing blood... and essence... it felt... unfulfilling... unsatisfying... pointless... I stopped feeding... and thinned out... too much... "
"You needed my essence," I whisper between breathes as I silence her with more kisses, unwilling to let her finish her doubts for now. There's a surge of energy among us as we accept the reality we keep trying to avoid and I give her what she wants, trying not to clamp down too hard on her hips with my hands as I release the pent up store that she wanted. It feels like I'm being renewed, my body removing something that isn't meant for me to return to its owner. Whatever blemishes and inconsistencies Shalltear has left are swept away, returning her to the form and posture that I know her so well for. I feel her become whole again in my entire being but there's no mistaking the familiar feeling of wetness touching my face. I break our kiss to find her in a brutally honest level of sad, tears rolling down her face as her voice pleads uncomfortably, "You... did this to me... so take responsibility... don't let me push you away like that... I just... I can't do it anymore... I can't just subsist anymore... it isn't living..."
"Never again," I whisper as I move us onto our sides gently, her desperate sadness becoming harsher tears now that she's in my arms again.
