I Want to Be a Hero

"Shoto."

Enji looked his son over.

Shoto looked good. Healthy. He might have even grown a bit, Enji assumed, though that was no surprise. Shoto was sixteen and Enji hardly saw him anymore. Soon, he'd probably shoot up and be as tall as Natsuo or Enji himself and Enji would hardly be able to recognize him.

There was a small bruise just below his left ear, the skin reddened and scuffed. But that aside, he looked strong and healthy. He even had a bit of color on his face, evidently from spending long hours outside, so that even this cold January sun gave him a bit of a tan.

"If I had known you'd come, I would have cleaned up a little." He indicated to the chaos in the room with a nod of his head.

"Hi, Dad," Shoto greeted, glancing from his father to Cementoss who still stood in the middle of the room.

"Right." Cementoss gave himself a little push. "I'll leave you two alone. Shoto, call me when you're ready. You know Aizawa wants you back home before dinner."

"Uh…sure." Shoto sounded a little overwhelmed, but still confident enough to not call the teacher back to stay with him.

Hurriedly, Enji stepped aside to let the hero pass. As his eyes trailed down the corridor after Cementoss, who was leaving the house, Enji imagined him waiting in his car. The mere idea of this big and square-shaped man snugly folded into the tiny Fiat made Enji snicker.

When he looked back at Shoto, the boy was scrutinizing him with furrowed brows, as if wondering what was so funny. But he didn't ask.

There was a minute or two of uncomfortable silence between them.

"Do you want something to drink?"

"So, I see you're renovating."

They both started speaking at the same time. Awkwardly, they shut up again, eyeing each other, waiting for the other to continue the conversation in a more structured manner. Finally, Shoto spoke.

"No, ehm…" He turned around to show the pot of tea he had evidently just prepared and temporarily sat on the kitchen counter. "I already made tea."

"Oh…" Enji nodded, before deciding it was now his turn. "I'm doing the repairs from the fire, you know?"

"I figured."

"Hm!"

Enji's eyes trailed past Shoto and over the chaos around them. There was the treadmill right in front of him. Then there was a cabinet in the corner, several weights stacked neatly on top of each other on the carpet, a workout bench, a few staffs, and some other traditional weapons that were strewn around the room. And that was just the stuff that was easily visible. He had pushed the biggest couch right back against the far wall, and couldn't even see it past a stack of chairs and another cabinet.

It took Enji forever to finally give himself a push to fully enter the room. He was two steps closer to his son, then, but still didn't know what to do or say next. Helplessly, he glared at the two armchairs that were still easily accessible. They were shoved so closely together that it would be almost impossible to have a decent conversation there, unless, of course, it involved cuddling.

"If you—"

"Yes!"

What? Confused, he looked at Shoto. "What, yes?" He hadn't even formulated his question yet.

"Yes, I want to be a hero!"

For the first time, he truly looked at his son. He still stood in the doorway to the kitchen, and still had a steaming pot of tea in his hand. The smell of the black tea was by now reaching Enji's nostrils, and he wondered when Shoto had taken to drinking black tea. The only reason Enji had it in his pantry at all was because Irina sometimes liked to drink some, so she always had a few varieties of it stored in the kitchen. He himself and most of the family preferred green tea.

There was a spark in Shoto's eyes. Enji vaguely remembered having seen it before, but not quite… not quite in person. First, he thought of that time during the Sports Festival, after Shoto had battled Midoriya Izuku. His eyes had sparkled then too, but in a different manner — and in any case, Shoto hadn't ever looked at him that way before.

Even during the Sports Festival, his eyes had always turned angry and spiteful when he had looked at Enji. Plus, after his decisive battle against that Midoriya-kid, he hadn't even really looked at Enji at all. Instead, Shoto had just walked past him without really acknowledging him, throwing some uncaring dismissive words at Enji.

No… he looked just like the way he had when Enji had first seen him on TV after he had started his internship, Enji finally remembered. That spark he had, right after handling his first larger-scale incident. This bright-eyed accomplishment.

For a moment, Enji just stared at him, his mouth slightly ajar. Then, he realized how stupid he must be looking.

"Eh…wha-what?" he stammered.

"I want to be a hero." As he spoke, Enji saw Shoto's free hand form into a fist of determination. He glared at Enji almost challengingly, but not in any way hostile. "You asked me about it." he then added, when it became obvious that Enji remained clueless. "When you were in the hospital. You remember?"

Vaguely, Shoto's words seemed to pull a memory out of the back of his mind. Right… it was when he'd just found out that Natsuo's diary had gone public. Back then, he was still recovering from his injuries from his encounter with Touya… Dabi. He did ask Shoto, then. He thought he did, at least, even if the memory remained hazy. If Shoto said so, though, he was probably right.

"Yeah, of course," he quickly answered, masking some of his uncertainty with a casual shrug. "Why do you…? I mean…" He was searching for words. "Do you want to go somewhere else? This room feels cramped. We could go into my office. Bring the tea."

Shoto hesitated. "Sure," he decided after a moment, "yeah, why not."

Enji hadn't been much in the office ever since he had lost his license. Or maybe even before that. Living alone in this house, he hadn't been particularly eager to bring his work home— instead, he had just stayed overtime in the agency. Since he'd lost his license, however, the office had lost any purpose.

Irina must have kept it clean, he realized, when he could not detect any dust. Even whatever latent chaos there was normally on the desk was now gone. A few papers were neatly stacked on top of each other at the corner with an Endeavor figure on top to keep them from flying all over the place, when the window was opened.

Both him and Shoto stared at the Endeavor figure for a solid minute. He didn't know how it got there, but he guessed it must've come with the last shipment for him to approve of his merchandise. Irina must have found it on her search for something heavy to weigh the paper down. Now, Enji stared at it with clear intent to burn it down. He was surprised when Shoto walked up to the desk, snatched the figure, and scrutinized it intently. Enji had almost forgotten that he was there.

They settled into two comfortable chairs, neither of them sitting on the swivel chair on the other side of the table. Enji used the silence to pour them both some tea into two cups he'd fished out of a drawer.

"I don't remember ever seeing this one before." Shoto was still looking at the figure, turning it in his hands. "That's your new costume. And even the scar."

Enji looked at it from where he sat, not interested in the figure. Leaning back a little, he felt almost weary of Shoto. Why would he even be interested in this figure.

"It never hit the shelf. Would've come out for Christmas, but Marketing decided to push back the release date, and then, well…" He didn't really care for it either way. Of all the consequences his premature retirement had on his life and the agency, this was something he didn't care much about. He didn't feel like crying for any merchandise articles that never quite made it into the shops. He had never cared much for that side of his job anyway. "You can still get it on the internet, I think, if you try hard enough."

Shoto nodded. Enji was sure that the boy was just feigning his curiosity. He'd never shown a big interest in hero merchandise— least of all his father's.

"They want to make one for me." Finally, he put the figure back down on the stack of paper, making sure that it was stable, before turning towards Enji. "I mean, not a whole figure, but Gang Orca suggested that they could make keychains and some of those temporary tattoos for children with my face or name on it." He blushed profusely and Enji had to hold back a laugh. "It's embarrassing."

"Send me one."

"What?" Shoto looked at him, as if he hadn't heard him right. And maybe he hadn't, Enji hadn't spoken very loudly.

"Not the tattoos of course. But I could always use a nice keychain. They'll probably give you a few for free." He nodded at the Endeavor figure on the desk. He always got whole stacks of free merchandise, and everything would just collect dust in the attic because his children didn't want any. He was so sure of that he didn't even bother to offer it to them. Plus, he didn't have any friends, either.

Years ago, he had always given his to Inari, because the man had children. He hadn't known then – or cared, really – if Inari's children were at all interested in the merchandise or if they were even the right age group. Only once, did Inari return a box of Endeavor-themed sake bottles. That was fair enough, Enji had assumed, and he still had some of them stored away somewhere.

"It's meant for children, Dad. I saw the design. Believe me, you don't want it. You'll be laughed out of the room."

Enji shrugged. "Nobody will care."

Shoto looked at him for a while before shrugging himself, leaning back more comfortably.

"Sure, I'll send you some. But I want to see you use them." He snickered a little as he said it.

The corner of Enji's mouth twitched amused. He didn't know what else to add to that, so he remained quiet.

Soon, however, the silence turned oppressive, like constant pressure on his neck and shoulders wearing him down. The way Shoto's eyes flickered through the room looking for something else to say clearly showed how he was probably feeling similarly.

"Why now?" Enji finally asked, just to fill the silence.

"Huh?"

"I mean, why did you come now, to tell me about…" he gave a casual wave of his hand mid-sentence. "To tell me that you want to be a hero."

"I…" Shoto didn't answer right away. Instead, he closed his mouth again, and looked at the window. Finally, he started again. "When I was younger, when Mom was still around, we would watch All Might's interviews together."

He glanced at Enji, but when Enji didn't say anything, Shoto looked back out the window.

From the office, there was a nice view on the cherry tree outside. In the spring, the pink petals would sometimes make it impossible to see the street behind it. But now, the tree was bald and gnarly, with no leaves and no petals.

That Shoto and Rei had been watching All Might together back then wasn't new information for Enji. Sometimes, before Rei's breakdown, they'd even talk about it, with him just next door able to listen in. Rarely, he'd even come home with them in front of the TV. And one time, early on, when he had just started training Shoto, Shoto had proclaimed – wide-eyed and excited – that he would become just as strong as All Might. Or maybe Enji had put those particular words into his mouth?

"He was…" but Shoto stopped himself, apparently deciding not to talk about all of All Might's virtues right in front of his father. "Well, All Might. You know how he was. Some of the things he said were really inspiring. I wanted to be just like him. Strong and able to protect people."

The way he said 'people' irked Enji. Like he wanted to say something else initially, but decided differently. For his own sake, Enji decided not to linger on that.

"I forgot all about it, you know?" He shrugged, and finally looked back at Enji. He looked sad, but not in a desperate and hopeless way. Simply sad. As if he was just telling a lonely little tale, and not a real, living, tragedy. "For me to become a hero… At first, that was just what you wanted." Although he spoke to Enji, it was as if he was staring right through him, as if he was scrutinizing the walls behind Enji. "I mean, I accepted it. I told myself I wanted it too, just to prove to you that I could be the strongest without you. Without your training, or your help, or your stupid quirk."

Enji almost flinched when Shoto called his quirk 'stupid', but had just enough control over his body not to. Instead, he remained perfectly still, not giving away anything.

"What changed?" he finally asked, when Shoto's pause stretched a bit longer.

"Midoriya, I guess. I mean, that was first. He told me that it wasn't your quirk, but my own. That made me stronger, but then…" He rubbed his hands in his lap and shifted his gaze downwards, until he was just watching the meaningless movements of his hands.

"But then, when you asked me, I didn't know what to say. I was so angry! I thought that I'd gotten past that, but just one question from you and I felt like a stupid child again." Shoto shook his head, and there was actual fury burning in his eyes as he stared at Enji for a moment.

"There I was… And you can ask anybody in my class – anybody – and they can give you some reason why they want to be a hero and go to UA. Me…? I don't know… When I joined UA, all I wanted was to show you– to prove that I didn't need you. But ever since the Sports Festival, and now, even more so…" He seemed to look for a word or a way to finish the sentence, then just shrugged helplessly.

"You didn't want to prove me wrong anymore?" Enji guessed.

"Yes," Shoto answered immediately. "No. I mean… It just didn't seem right anymore. I had moved past that. I felt like… I had started to heal, and focusing on my grudge against you again just felt like a step in the wrong direction. Destructive, almost, you know?"

Enji didn't know.

He had never felt that way. He never had such a grudge against anybody. He had no reason to.

Really?

Momentarily, he thought about All Might. How he had felt towards him, how he had hated him. Momentarily, he remembered his single-minded focus on the former number one, and how he'd only realized all the evil he had done when All Might retired.

He pushed that comparison away. All Might had never hurt him.

"Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I get it," he lied.

Humming thoughtfully, Shoto nodded, turning his eyes back on his lap. "I didn't know why I was even still in UA. I think— when you asked me about it, that was the first time I realized that. But now— but now I know: I want to be a hero!"

Enji waited a little longer, but Shoto had finished his tale. He smiled a little. "Good for you," he said in a quiet tone. "I guess that internship has a part in this new realization. Gang Orca is good for you."

Although Enji hadn't phrased it as a question, Shoto answered anyway. "He's amazing. He was really good already, when we had the remedial courses, but you know… trying to keep his distance and all. Working under him is great though. He's really kind and patient, and wants to teach." He smiled happily as he spoke about his new mentor.

Enji hadn't been particularly impressed when he found out about Shoto interning with Gang Orca. While he had a lot of respect for the hero, and supposed that there were worse heroes to intern for, he could have easily secured Shoto an internship within an even more high-profile agency or one that could give Shoto specific pointers regarding his quirk. Gang Orca's power was so different from Shoto's and so were those of his sidekicks to a point that he'd even wondered if they could teach Shoto anything.

Then again, who was Enji to complain about that. He had personally refused to teach Shoto about Flashfire.

"But it's not just him," Shoto continued, bright-eyed. "It's this work. It's amazing." Finally, he stopped fiddling with his hands in his lap, but instead started gesturing more openly. It was as if his entire demeanour changed from that of an awkward young teenager, desperately grasping for words to a young man passionate about what he was doing. "Yes, at times it's really difficult and sometimes I think I could do more, or maybe— thinking if I had done something different, that I could have prevented somebody from getting injured, but… it feels like it matters, you know? It feels like I'm doing something significant."

Enji nodded.

He knew that feeling. He didn't quite remember how it had been when he first became a hero. That was thirty years in the past. But in his last months, he had felt increasingly burdened by it. There was a constant need to perform, and he was pushed into a position that demanded too much of him.

He had always wanted to be the number one, had tried everything to get there— but when he'd finally reached it, he hadn't been prepared for it. All Might had been greater than any man could be, and Endeavor had just been a mere mortal to replace him.

But for Shoto, it wasn't like that yet.

Nobody asked him to do anything he was physically incapable of doing. Nobody asked him to put his life and health on the line to defeat a villain stronger and faster and more capable than him, just because somebody had to and there was nobody else around who could. Nobody expected him to be able to handle everything that was thrown at him yet.

For Shoto, it was still all exciting, every little step equally important. Something as easy as stopping a mere, petty, theft – something that Endeavor had only done in passing – even looking for a stray cat – something Endeavor hadn't even bothered with for the last two decades, if he had ever done it at all – must seem so important to Shoto.

"Yesterday, there was this old lady. Gang Orca tried to catch a villain, who fled and just ran right through her. So she landed in a bush, but was very lucky to not get hurt. I helped her out of there and she was so shocked, and really kind. Gang Orca had the villain caught in only a few minutes so I wasn't needed— and I waited with her for the entire time— until the paramedics said she was actually fine and could go back home. She told me all about her grandchildren and her dog… and that her husband had died five years ago. It felt… important. Like, I wasn't even doing anything, but the way she acted— I think, to her, it was so immensely important."

He looked at Enji expectantly, as if he was waiting for Enji to agree, to recount his own similar story about some random person he had helped climb out of a bush where they had safely landed. But the truth was, Enji had stopped remembering the people he saved years ago. A few had remained in his mind, preserved by the special severity and trauma of the situation— but most of them just formed into a single, unidentifiable glob. And those were people he had actually saved.

He didn't remember the last time he had stopped to help somebody stand up after they had fallen, unless it was to get them out of acute danger as fast as possible.

He could recall one, though. "I remember…" But only after a few words he shook his head, not continuing his story.

He still remembered the woman who had clawed into his wrist when he had dragged her and her family from a burning building to safety. Of course, her husband and son were already dead or dying then, and the daughter was severely traumatized. The mother had pressed her nails into his arm so deeply it had drawn blood and he had carried the bruises for days.

He couldn't even say if she had left any scars at all, but even if, he probably wouldn't be able to distinguish them out of the mess of scars that the Noumu had left when it had mangled his arm in its maw.

Shoto didn't press him. "So that's what I want to do. I want to help people where it matters. I don't want to be the strongest of all. I've seen what that can do to people." Enji should have probably seen that little jab coming. "But I need to be the strongest I can be, so I can actually help when it counts."

If you want to be the strongest, you can be, the thought came unbidden, you'll be the strongest of all.

"I mean… I hardly have any time for myself, now. The internship and school and homework and extracurricular training, that's a lot. But…" he grinned broadly.

It's worth it. Shouto didn't say it, but it was written all over his face.

Of course, that left one question open, Enji thought, if Shoto really had so little time.

"That's great." Enji finally found his words again. They felt choked and he realized his voice was hardly audible. He coughed. "Really great. I'm proud of you." He had said it before, but it didn't hurt to say it again.

Shoto showed him a small smile before standing up, looking up at the ceiling. "So, you're repairing the house." Without explanation he left the room. Enji looked after him, then he quickly stood up and followed Shoto. He found his son in the room next-door looking at the damage there. "Need any help with that?"

Hadn't he just said he had no time?

"Sure," Enji said. "If Aizawa ever lets you visit for a few more hours and doesn't need you back for dinner right away, I could use some help with the roof." His voice was even, but there were more questions in his head than before.

"Sure, I'll ask sensei about it. What would you want me to do?" Even in the room he was in now, there wasn't that much damage visible. Only a dark spot where the interior walls had charred but were still standing strong. The tatami floor was damaged, but again, there were worse parts in the house.

"The roof. I can't work up there. It's not stable and setting up a big scaffold over the entire roof just for myself seems a little overkill. I don't even know if that would work. But I saw you got some experience with holding walls and roofs up with your ice." Enji suggested, leading Shoto outside and into the dojo. That was the most severely damaged room. Here, Shoto could get an idea of the current state of the building.

Shoto only hesitated momentarily, before entering. "Damn, they really did some damage," Shoto cursed, walking around the room and back outside again to gage the exterior. "I have no idea what to do with home repairs, but sure, I can stabilize the roof or create some scaffold for you to work on."

Enji marveled at the casual response. Did Shoto really want to work on the house with him? "Will UA be okay with it?" he asked carefully.

"Well, they don't want me to leave the campus too regularly. It's not safe, with the League and everything going on. But visiting parents on the weekends is allowed." He shrugged. "I spend most of my weekends outside UA anyway, since Mom got her new apartment. Of course, I'd have to ask her for permission," he added, reminding Enji that he had indeed lost custody over Shoto.

There was something else, Enji realized right then. It was not the weekend, now. So, had Shoto somehow gained exceptional permission to leave the campus during school days?

"But I don't think she'll mind if I come a few hours on Saturdays for a few weeks, until this is done. During the weekdays… honestly, I don't think I'll have much time."

"Of course," Enji quickly agreed, because in any case, Shoto's education was more important.

"Maybe I'll bring a friend," Shoto eventually added after short hesitation. "Would you mind?"

Enji was a bit confused. Truth be told, he was a little more confused with every word Shoto spoke. "No, bring whoever you like. Just not too many. This is technically a construction site, and provisional hero license or not, you're all just kids, so I can't be responsible for more than two or three fifteen-year-olds at a time."

It was intended as a joke, of course. If he couldn't keep a bunch of children in his own house from falling off ladders or dropping wooden planks on their toes, it would be quite embarrassing.

"I'm sixteen." Shoto's voice was deadpan. "Most of us are."

"Oh," he immediately felt bad about it. He had not forgotten Shoto's birthday, of course. He knew that his son was sixteen. But still, it was a stark reminder that he was not a good father, he thought. "Sorry."

"What?" Shoto looked a little taken aback. "No, I didn't… It wasn't meant as a reproach." Shoto shook his head, embarrassed. "Anyway, I think I have to go. Cementoss is probably already waiting for me. I'll call about Saturday."

He was about to turn, when Enji's curiosity finally got the better of him.

"Why are you here?"

Shoto turned back to him, looking wide-eyed and confused and almost as if he felt betrayed.

Had Enji said anything wrong? He thought back about their conversation. Then, he realized that his words might've been taken in a bad way, and suggested he didn't appreciate Shoto being here. That wasn't it. He did appreciate it, immensely so. But…

"I mean… I'm glad that you are, don't get me wrong. I just…" he stammered around helplessly, clueless how to explain his question. "I didn't think you would offer help with…" He gestured towards the house. "We've hardly spoken in weeks, and now… it's a little sudden."

But he didn't seem to do a good job at explaining his confusion. Finally, Enji tried a different approach.

"I mean, it's the middle of the week. The middle of the day, even. Why does UA even allow you to be here? It's not an emergency."

At that, Shoto finally reacted, but he didn't quite react the way that Enji had expected. Instead of answering, instead of blowing up, instead of asking why Enji couldn't just thank him for the effort and be happy with it— instead of even just ignoring the question or making a deadpan joke, he started to squirm. Shoto avoided his eye contact entirely, staring at his feet to the door to the dojo, and down the big garden. Everywhere but at Enji directly.

The way he acted almost made Enji regret that he had asked. He was sure he wouldn't like the answer.

"I saw you," Shoto said quietly, still squirming, his voice so low as if he didn't even want Enji to hear it.

"Saw me? How?"

This didn't answer anything. They hadn't seen each other in weeks. "When, where?"

Shoto continued to avoid his eye contact. He looked as if he had hoped Enji wouldn't ask. "The accident, earlier today. Yaoyorozu… from my class, she found an article online, and there was a picture of you. I mean, not of you per se, but you were there, just standing on the sidewalk. I thought you were somehow involved, so I looked it up, and there was a video from after the crash and…"

But Enji didn't want him to continue. Red hot shame and embarrassment flushed his system.

"You saw that?" he hissed.

It was probably his weakest, most pathetic moment. Of course Shoto, and probably his entire class, had to see that. He had thought that at least that part of his life he could finally leave behind. He had always been afraid of his failings, his weaknesses, being broadcasted to the entire world. Having the entire country watch while he was fighting for his life was never something he enjoyed. Or rather… well, he tended to enjoy it, until it went wrong.

And now he wasn't a hero anymore, and still, videos with him being utterly pathetic were still viewed by complete strangers. Did it matter that this video hadn't been about him, directly? He was still on it, still there for everybody's eyes to see, for everybody to laugh at, even if maybe the camera was focused on something or someone else.

He gritted his teeth in anger.

"Yeah," Shoto answered. He ducked his head a little.

Get your shit together, Enji!

He didn't want to scare his son. He was glad he was here! Even if he had only come after watching him being a coward on camera, did it really matter?

He rubbed his face, tired at the whiplash of his own emotions.

"So, your teachers… what, they thought that this was an emergency?"

Shoto shrugged. "Probably not," he admitted. Obviously, Shoto had convinced them or annoyed them until they had agreed.

Tiredly, Enji nodded. But then, this didn't answer his question. Not entirely, at least. "Why?" he asked again. "I mean, why would you even care?"

Shoto's eyes narrowed a little when he finally looked up at Enji again. Then he nodded, and grinned a little cheekily.

"I'm a hero," he declared. "You looked like you might need one."


I've thought a long time about how to involve Shoto into this story. I thought this was the best way to do it. Unlike with Natsu or Fuyumi or even Rei I felt like his developement and getting past what happened to him, is something that happened more or less independent of Enji's personal journey or thei relationship. Shoto is finding his own way, with or without Endeavor, so unlike with the other two who might still have some unsolved issues that they need to talk about with their father, I decided that for Shoto, spending time with his father would be a conscious choice and effort on his part.