She was violently shaking, tossing, and turning. Tears were running down her face. Hermione was back in Hogwarts.

Red and green lights were flashing around her. There was screaming. She was standing in a puddle, her shoes were sticking to the blood. The Death Eater in front of her was gasping for air and she just stood there and watched him fight for every breath. Her hand was shaking as it clenched around her wand.

She turned around ready to move away. When something grabbed her ankle. Looking down she saw a skeleton hand, clenching around her painfully tight. From the corner of her eyes, she saw him shoot his second skeleton hand at her. Standing there petrified, she didn't do anything as the hand grabbed her shoulder.

"Hermione!" Lucius held her by her shoulders and shook her until she snapped out of it.

"I'm a monster!" She stared at him with wide eyes. Hermione wriggled, freeing herself from his tight grip.

"It was just a dream."

She stared at him blankly. "No, it wasn't."

Hermione had spent the last days trying to distract herself, and there was enough going on in her life to keep herself busy.

She went through the offers on the roof and adjusted her budget. They did have some wiggle room so there was no reason to not indulge Lucius. Magicwise turning the destroyed rooms into an atrium made also a lot of sense. Those were the rooms the old master of the castle had inhabited and it was good to purge the estate from residual family magic. Construction workers and House Elves began working as soon as she had given them the green light.

Hermione stayed longer at university than necessary. She was studying in the library. It was because of the construction work at home, she told herself. Deep down she knew that she was just running away from her problems.

She hadn't slept well the past days and she was constantly on the edge. Hermione was surrounded by darkness. It was almost as if something black had veiled her heart.


Walking up and down the hallway leading to Dr. Meyer's office, she tried to not bite her nails. They had been here on time, but the psychiatrist was still busy with another client.

Lucius sighed, scratching his head. "Can you not stand still for a single second?"

"I am still," Hermione snapped, not stopping her rounds.

The door opened and a young soldier left the office. He kept thanking Dr. Meyer and expressed his gratitude over and over again.

Lucius tabbed his cane, against his foot, waiting for the young man to finally disappear.

Without saying a word, they sat down on their chairs. Dr. Meyer retrieved her notes, apologizing for the delay.

She looked at them for a moment. "You look tense."

"Hermione has been having nightmares lately," Lucius explained, "It is hard to get a decent amount of sleep."

"Yeah, cause I'm the only one with nightmares." Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Has anything happened that might have triggered you?"

"We went to a wedding…"

"Have you asked your wife what is going on?" Dr. Meyer inquired.

"I have not."

"You don't have to wait until we have an appointment scheduled to talk about your issues."

"I've killed Yanxley," Hermione burst out. She knew that this was bad, but she couldn't keep it in any longer. She needed to talk to someone about it.

Dr. Meyer was staring at her. She blinked, taking notes on her clipboard.

"I fail to see the issue. Corban was a sadistic bureaucrat, nothing to make a fuss about."

Both of them were glaring at Lucius.

The psychiatrist turned to Hermione. "Talk to me, I'm here to help you. How did it happen?"

Hermione bit her lip. "It was at the final battle, we were fighting and then, we went to his daughter's wedding and I got into a fight with her, but I don't feel sorry."

"Ok, that's a lot of information. Let's dissect it. You were fighting, so it was self-defense."

Hermione closed her eyes, trying to remember the incident clearly. Everything happened so fast.

They were throwing curses at each other. Yaxley knew quite nasty ones, but she was quick and managed to dodge most of them. Her heart was racing, the world around her slowed down.

In her mind, she recalled all the spells she had researched to help Harry with a lesson plan for Dumbledore's Army. They had practiced dueling and she was a capable witch.

Hermione pointed her wand at him. Her throat was dry and constricted. She could die. Not a single word left her lips. But she needn't speak. As she went metally down the list of spells and curses she knew, they were just pouring out her wand effortlessly.

Yaxley got hit by one after another. He had no time to react as the stream of hexes flew at him. He was lying on the floor, gasping for air.

Hermione took a deep breath, Horcruxes, she remembered. That was why she had been here. She spotted a shook of red hair and ran towards Ron…

"He was still alive when I left."

"Then maybe it was not you who had killed him."

She looked at her husband with a raised brow. "I've left a man bleeding to death on the floor and you think that it is ok because someone else might have put him out of his misery?"

"It was war. None of us had the luxury to just stop to try to rescue the very person who would have killed you or your family mere seconds before, the very person you have fought against trying to save your own life."

"Right, but don't tell me I didn't have a chance because I clearly did."

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "This is hardly an abhorrent crime."

"Mrs. Malfoy, go on."

Hermione stared at the corner looking for the right words. "We've been to the wedding of his daughter and we got into a fight and I've humiliated her…"

"And now you feel guilty?" Dr. Meyer asked.

Hermione hid her face behind her hands. "No, I don't."

She broke down sobbing. She couldn't look them into the eyes. She was a monster, a horrible person. Maybe this was why she felt so drawn to Lucius.

"You don't feel guilty, about the killing or the fight and the humiliation?"

"About neither." Hermione couldn't stop sobbing. She had always thought that she was a good person or at least a decent one. "I feel so guilty for not feeling guilty."

"You have no control over your emotions," the psychiatrist said.

"But what kind of person goes back to bed after killing someone as if nothing happened?"

"I would," Lucius said, "the occasion called for it and you merely did what was necessary. There really is no reason to feel guilty about it."

Hermione looked at her husband with big teary eyes. "I'm a monster." She was back to sobbing. She had always thought that she was better than him.

He swallowed hard and turned away from her. That wasn't making her feel any better.

"Not feeling guilty doesn't make you a bad person, You did what was necessary and you don't regret your decision, so there is no reason to drive yourself insane," Dr. Meyer said. "Monsters kill for pleasure," she added smiling reassuringly at Hermione.

She wiped the tears from her eyes. Yes, she could live with what she had done. And no, she didn't take pleasure from killing. But not taking pleasure in hurting others seemed like such a low bar.

"I also don't regret trying to murder Umbridge."

Dr. Meyer looked at her open-mouthed.

Lucius chuckled. "We have all been there."

"You tried to murder Umbridge? I thought you supported her." Hermione looked at him skeptically.

"She was a necessary evil to purge the school from Dumbledore. But who never wished her dead? I have a long list of people she offended."

He looked at her for a long moment. Hermione didn't know what to say.

"See, you fight for what you believe in and I for my own advantage. You are the good soul in this marriage."

Dr. Meyer smiled at them. Good." She looked at her clipboard. "Talking about it helps, so to come back to the beginning, why didn't you ask your wife what was wrong with her?"

She was right. Hermione looked at him. Why didn't he ask her? They could have avoided this awkward moment where she admitted her murder-history.

Lucius let his head fall back. "I assumed that it was something that Borko had said to you that was so upsetting."

"Who?"

"The older lady with the short hair at the buffet."

"The one who warned me about you? Who was she that you thought her words would have such an impact on me?"

He sighed. "She was Abraxas' first wife. Their marriage didn't survive the death of my half-sister."

"I didn't know you had a half-sister."

"I have never met her in person, but my mother saved her portrait from Abraxas' wrath. I know very little about her, but she looked every bit like her mother except for the blonde hair." He stared at his wrist. "The Dark Lord had said that she had pledged allegiance to him, back when they were still in Hogwarts together. I filled the void she had left in every possible way." His voice sounded almost shaky.

"Is that why you've become a Death Eater?" Did you have to pay the price for your sister's actions?"

"It is hardly that simple. I do believe that I would have kept the Dark Lord and his followers close and supported the cause financially, like the generations of our parents, but I wouldn't have taken the mark. It was something appealing to young wizards, eager to leave their mark on the word and since I had not much of a choice, I worked my way up to have a certain position of power within the organization. That was what enabled me to not commit horrible crimes."

The two of them went home silently. That was a lot of information. Lucius had a half-sister. For some reason, that piece of information shocked her the most. But the longer she thought about it the more sense it made.

Harry had said that Malfoy's grandfather had been buddies with Voldemort when they were at Hogwarts and Slughorn had said that it was no surprise that Draco's grandfather had died of Dragonpox at his old age.

But if Slughorn was Voldemort's teacher then he wouldn't have said something like that about someone who was younger than himself. So the Malfoy, Harry had seen in the memories was actually Abraxas' daughter. That also means that Abraxas could be older than Slughorn, making the death easier to accept for the potion master.


They were lying in bed next to each other, Hermione felt drained after therapy. She was busy just dealing with her day to day life and then they unrevealed even more issues. But the fact that it was hard, meant that she was making progress.

She may not have wanted Yaxley dead, but if he had made a different decision or gotten lucky, he would be still alive. Hermione wasn't a bad person, neither was the rest of the Order. He would have survived had he surrendered and handed his wand in.