CHAPTER VIII: TRANSPARENT


I wake up well-rested, having slept in a very comfortable bed with a wife that cares in her unique way. Shalltear seems as well-rested as I am and quickly rises from bed before me, stretching her arms and yawning from laying around for so long. I notice the new scars she has all over her arms and back from my overly enthusiastic attention, my skin feeling just as bruised and torn but slowly sealing and mending to become pristine. Even as I watch, I can see some of the scars on her skin melt and squirm back into proper shape, leaving every scar nothing but a memory. She drops her arms to her sides lazily as she says, "I didn't know you were into just letting go and being reckless like that in bed but I can see the appeal."

I rise from bed and embrace her slowly, feeling my muscles ache and my skin sting from all of the minor wounds still healing. As I put my head over her right shoulder, I feel Shalltear's hand brush my left cheek and particularly, the shallow scar that runs from my chin to my upper cheekbone. Though it's also healing along with the other scars, she says with regret, "I didn't mean to scar your face. You just... do things to me that make me lose myself."

"It's fine," I reply with a smile, both of us sharing a brief laugh as she allows my arms to move down her front. I press my chest against her cold back and share a moment of closeness in silence, Shalltear holding my hands and brushing my palms with her thumbs. I gain a measure of seriousness and say with conviction, "Thank you... for taking the time to understand who I am... I appreciate it-"

"Oh, please. All reading up on you has given me is a solid impression that you've always been a reckless boy with a head full of dreams. I got lucky that I learned how to filter out the important stuff quickly because there was so much to read," she replies with humour and sarcasm, my arms hugging her tighter to her yelp of surprise. She sighs ruefully and accepts the hug while saying, "You're welcome... since you're basically my prisoner forever, I might as well learn what you like food-wise and game-wise and everything in between."

"How much of that data did you read?" I ask with growing unease, Shalltear chuckling darkly as she replies knowingly, "Enough to know that you used to spend too much time and money drinking illegally at the Farmer's Yard tavern in Irlo and only went there because you had a one-way crush on the barmaid who was much older than you. You never asked her out even though you were well within her good graces and-"

"Okay, okay. You made your point," I reply but Shalltear isn't done, her knowing tone becoming more animated as she continues with, "I also learned that you are a masochist because you feel that you can only measure your success by how much pain and humiliation you suffer to reach a goal. How you held onto this all the way to your marriage years is a testament to your stubbornness."

Part of me is angry at having such private shames made so public to Shalltear but I have to suppress the urge since I willingly submitted the data. Shalltear suddenly changes her mood, her back tensing slightly and her tone gaining a sharp edge as she whispers, "And after all you've suffered, neither Roeray nor Dorris stuck around to make sure you were alright. They just took the freedom you nearly died to give them and went off on whatever ambitions they had in mind... I'm glad that they're gone. There's no place for them here."

"They did give me something," I reply as I turn Shalltear around, her face mirroring the deep hatred that she has right now. She softens only fractionally and bores into me with her eyes as I say slowly, "The visions are gone and I'm not being torn apart by fragments of power from other people. I have a full grasp on my past and we can focus on what comes next-"

"I'm not as ignorant of your plans as you think," she replies sharply, my eyes trying to drift away from her angry gaze but remaining drawn in. She sighs while leaning her head back and dropping her shoulders in annoyance, saying evenly when she looks back at me, "That power you have over prima matter belongs to the Emerald Tablet and now that you've recovered the last bits of it from those two loved ones, you feel the urge to return them."

"... yeah... that's correct," I reply numbly, not sure how I feel about Shalltear knowing my thoughts so easily. She leans in so her face is close to mine, hissing with promise, "I think I know how it'll go once we're there. As soon as you remove that power, the magic that I first implanted in you will be able to have a deeper hold on you. Any aspirations you have of walking in the light side of magic will be dashed because you'll become just like me."

"That's not true," I retort incredulously but Shalltear's conviction can't be ignored. I start to be swayed to her side of thinking even though she makes no further comment, my mind filling in the blanks and processing the new scenario in record time. She gives me a look to speak my mind and I say rapidly, "But that means... those tendrils of darkness and the shadows... the ones I let inside me all the time to enhance my physical abilities... that's you?"

"I was wondering how long it would take you to figure it out," she replies with a dark smile, my mind whirling at how I treated the darkness. It reality hits me and I snap lightly at her, "So all those times you were taunting me with falling for the shadows, you were laughing on the inside because what I can command is just an extension of you!-"

"-and you're already sleeping with me. Yep! It was a good laugh," she taunts with a chuckle, my face displaying my annoyance but also my relief. For a good amount of time, I had thought something was wrong with me for my affection to the strange entity but now that it's confirmed to be Shalltear toying with me, my affection feels saner then it used to be. Something hugs me from behind and when I look down, shadowed limbs embrace my chest. Before I can wonder what's going on, Shalltear leaves my embrace and slides to the edge of the bed while saying, "Let's get ready. I bet Omega will be thrilled to have her shrine complete for the first time in... ever."

"Thank you-," I try to say but a shadowed hand covers my mouth and gently pushes me where I need to go, my body doing the rest so that I slide to the edge of the bed next to Shalltear. She, in turn, taps me on the head with her right index finger before saying with annoyance, "Stop thanking me. It's getting a little weird."

She slides her index finger down the left side of my face, shoulder, and arm until she can hold my hand but as soon as she holds it, I get a flash of raw anger and hunger snap into my mind. It happens so quickly that I jolt slightly in my seat, not quite sure if what I just saw was real or fake. Shalltear gently guides me to standing before saying slowly, "Yes... the shadow is me... and all the emotions it gives you... is also me..."

"All that rage... all that mindless rage... why would anyone..." I whisper, Shalltear guiding me by the hand towards the bathroom as she replies, "My creator wanted me to be a powerful combatant and that meant smothering all of my emotions underneath a blanket designed for combat. He never designed me to be anything else but a weapon disguised as a young girl... I'm glad you know how to stop me."

"How could they... to you... to anyone..." I whisper numbly but Shalltear suddenly pulls me by the arm and hurls me bodily, my momentum quickly increasing until I'm sailing past her. I fly into the obsidian tub of the bathroom with a splash, my body quickly orienting under the warm water and rising from beneath it with a confused look. She quickly follows behind with a graceful leap followed by a graceless plunge into the water, her form spinning underwater before she rises with gentle laughter. She spits out further water from her mouth before saying calmly, "This shouldn't be so surprising that supreme ones are capable of such callous decisions."

"But to... have to fight that off all the time... how are you not more insane!?" I blurt with concern and growing unease, Shalltear laughing at my question and gently swimming towards me. Everything about her is calm and once she's within range, she gently moves her arms around my shoulders and states, "Sanity is a perspective but you ask an interesting question. What do you define as sane?"

The question sounds simple but when I try to answer, the words don't sound right in my head. I start to really think about what I've been taught and what I've seen, looking at the many pieces I've been given and trying to find something that sounds right. I eventually settle on, "Being reasonable... I mean... being able to look at a situation and make a... good... choice... this is harder than I thought."

"You never really thought that you might be insane?" Shalltear replies with a dark smile, her words comforting and appalling in equal measures. I wonder if Shalltear is mentally manipulating me but she isn't displaying any obvious or even hidden signs of doing so. She looks more amused from having asked hard questions and making me think so I close my eyes and try to find an answer. I go through my thoughts aloud, whispering, "I don't have a solid definition for what a sane person is... but from my lofty definition... I haven't really made good choices... necessary choices, yes... but not good ones... and I haven't been reasonable either... I act on impulse despite acting as if I think it through... I guess I'm insane-"

"Each step you've been taking removes one more false influence you have. I think this is the last one and then, we can rebuild you," Shalltear replies on a different topic as I open my eyes and stare at her. She looks very convinced by what she's saying but part of me is still doubtful. I voice my doubts by commenting, "What if I'm walking into another predefined path? I thought that I was seeking personal answers before but the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to believe that I've been a pawn to collect these fragments. Is returning them the right way forward?"

"We'll just do what you always do and act first. Now hush," Shalltear snaps lightly as she turns me away, her hands brushing against the hair and scales of my head to get some of the filth buildup removed. I always thought I did a decent job cleaning myself but having her scrub me thoroughly and remove more dirt then I thought I had on me made me feel filthy. She comments as she removes layers of dirt with each movement, "Do you even scrub the crevices between the scales? Can you even reach those?"

"No... I mostly scrub the surface..." I reply with embarrassment as Shalltear scrubs my shoulders and back. I flinch a little when she touches my rear a little too long and touches my crotch the same way. Her hands turn me around and one hand lifts one of my legs to scrub, her eyes scanning the scales for dirt as she comments, "I won't always do this for you but today, I want you to look presentable."

"Yes, dear," I reply as she finishes one leg and lifts the other leg. I'm more surprised that the water doesn't change colour despite all of the dirt flakes and patches falling into it, the liquid absorbing the filth greedily yet remaining unchanged. Once she finishes, she drops my leg unceremoniously and tosses a large sponge at me, my hands catching it deftly as she commands, "Go on. We don't have time to wait around."

I quickly obey, wielding the sponge horizontally in both hands and starting with her silver hair that needed a decent amount of care and untangling. The sponge does most of the work, every rub of its material untangling hair and straightening it while leaving it a lustrous shine. I finish the work in record time and turn her around to rub her face and neck, replacing sweat and grime with the scent of vanilla and the glow of proper skincare. I try to act naturally and lift her arms to scrub under them, removing more layers of dirt buildup with each scrub. The smell of grime and old blood among the water hits me and I say without meaning too, "When's the last time you took a bath? That blood smells a week old at least."

"It's been two weeks, thank you. I haven't been overly motivated to clean myself thoroughly," she replies, my head nodding quickly as I continue the task she set out for me. I do my best to ignore the more intimate parts of cleaning her, Shalltear doing everything in her power to make me feel foolish but failing overall. I don't bother to lift her to clean the lower parts, holding my breath instead and plunging under the water to scrub as swiftly as possible. I'm glad that she doesn't try anything while I'm underwater, a rapid sequence of movements finishing the job so that I can surface. Shalltear is glowing with how clean she is but she quickly rises out of the tub and yanks me by the hand after her, the water suspending in the air and removing itself from our bodies as we depart.

"That's new," I comment as we exit the bathroom at speed, Shalltear steering us towards her dark wood dresser as she replies, "I got tired of making a mess every time we left the tub so I moved the doorframe system to encompass the tub's rim."

"It's nice. No more watery mess everywhere," I reply as I'm pulled along, Shalltear looking back and giving me a brief smile before hurling me bodily at the dresser. The magical field in front of it catches me and deploys a preset outfit, a tailored red suit with tan pants similar to what Sebas and Demiurge wear coating my frame instantly. The suit feels like it isn't there and when I touch my left sleeve, I feel the scales of my arm instead of the material of the suit. Shalltear shoves me gently out of the way as she states, "I had that custom made, at no small expense, to let you breathe and feel through the material. You better appreciate that but if you say thank you one more time, I'm hitting you in the head."

"It's a wonderful gift," I reply, Shalltear pausing from the compliment but restoring her composure quickly and choosing her long black gown from the dresser. A gate opens once she's dressed and as she guides me rapidly by the hand towards it, she states, "I'm glad you like it because I want you to wear that from now on. People don't need to see you shirtless with nothing but a pair of shorts all the time."

"Yes, dear," I reply swiftly before she pulls me through the gate.