Author's note: yup internalized homophobia again, sorry! He'll get there one day soonish! I promise!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Remus barely slept that night. He stared at the ceiling, the kiss repeating in his head over and over and over. He tried to figure out exactly what about it had been so yuck. Why he had reacted the way he did. He had hoped the kiss would make him figure things out and instead he was in even more of a quandary than before! It wasn't fair! What was wrong with him?!
He lifted his hand, curling it into a fist then pressing it against his lips. It felt weird. A little like kissing Lily, though not as... damp. Her lips had been a bit damp. And his hand didn't smell like strawberries.
Either way, one thing the kiss did not do was unlock the secret to liking girls. When he had gone to supper he had hoped things would be completely different, but Sirius and Professor Prewett both still gave him the fluttery feelings, and no matter which girl he looked at none of them gave him the fluttery feelings.
Except, Lily admitted she didn't really feel any different, didn't really feel anything. He rolled over again, curling up, clutching at his hair. If Lily didn't feel anything it doesn't mean anything that I didn't feel anything, right? It doesn't mean ANYTHING! It doesn't mean I'm broken. It doesn't change anything. Right?
Occlumency had been awkward. He told Fawley right away what happened since most likely she'd see it (which she did, though she backed out of his memory before the actual kiss which was kind of her). He wanted so bad to ask her why he felt the way he did, but didn't dare. He was scared she might assume the fluttery, gut-wrenching, sweaty-palms feelings he got for Sirius and Prewett meant he was like that, because he wasn't like that. He did, however, ask her what it felt like to have a crush on someone.
She pretty much said the same thing that Lily had, as well as what he had been thinking. Fluttery, gut-wrenching, sweaty-palms—etc., etc. He asked her when she started liking boys. She had told him her first crush was at ten, which shocked him. She laughed and said while she had 'crushed' on a few boys she didn't really start properly liking them until she was thirteen or so, that's when she really took an interest. She asked if he'd like to know about her first kiss, and he said yes.
It had been with a Gryffindor, actually. An older boy. She had been fifteen, he had been sixteen. It was after one of her Quidditch games ("You played Quidditch?!" he asked, surprised. Fawley laughed again, "Yes, I did, I was a Chaser for three years!") and he had kissed her in celebration. She had been expecting something sensational but "all in all, rather boring". The first kiss she had really enjoyed was with her first boyfriend, a fellow Hufflepuff later that year. They broke up shortly after, but it had been nice while it lasted.
"Don't feel down that your first kiss was bleh, especially at your age," she had told him.
But he still couldn't help but worry that it meant he was broken, with all the other issues going on. At least he wouldn't need to worry Fawley would see him trying to snog his own hand. It wasn't anywhere near as humiliating as the 'fun alone times' she had mentioned, however it was still a little embarrassing.
Finally, Remus gave up and buried his head under his pillow, clutching Gwyllgi. Unfortunately, while he did manage to get to sleep he had incredibly awful dreams that left him tossing and turning and soaked in sweat, and when he woke up he wanted to cry. He knew he had been dreaming about kissing one boy in particular, and it hadn't been a fuzzy image at all, it had been clear, it had basically been exactly what he did with Lily except he was there instead, and the kiss actually felt nice and good and 'sensational' and now Remus wanted to throw himself in the lake and die.
It was four in the morning, but he crept into the bathroom for a shower anyway, turning on the cold water to try to cool down and get rid of the sweat. Huddling under the spray of cold, he wrapped his arms around his knees and cried a bit, feeling a gaping hole of emptiness inside and not knowing what to do about it. At least the cold water helped the external, if it didn't do anything for the internal. He managed to get back to sleep after, however all day Wednesday he could barely even look at Sirius, let alone be near him. What if suddenly somehow Sirius could see his dreams? It was too horrifying to even imagine.
"Oh! I meant to ask earlier, did you talk to Fawley last night?" James asked at supper.
Remus dropped his fork and it went clattering to the floor. "Wh—what? About—about wh—what?"
The other Marauders gave him funny looks, especially Sirius. "The... Valentine's thing?" James whispered.
He tried not to breathe out a sigh of relief. "Oh. Oh. Um—no, I—we—we had—no. I'm sorry, I forgot. I can write to her tonight, though, if I can borrow an owl."
"Did something happen?" Pete asked.
"Happen?"
"You seem upset," Sirius explained.
Remus felt heat creeping across his face. "N—no. It was a very tiring lesson, that's all."
They looked suspicious but didn't press him on the matter. James offered to use Godric since he was the fastest, and Sirius argued really Fili was the fastest, and James retorted that while Fili was fast he was also an arse and did they want Fawley to deal with that? Sirius kept arguing all the way to the owlery that Fili really wasn't that bad, and when they got to the tower one of the workers turned to see who came in and went right to Sirius.
"Your owl has been causing problems," he said, pointing to Filibuster. "He keeps standing in front of the other owls with his wings outstretched."
"And?" Sirius asked with a yawn.
"It's rude! And—and threatening!" the boy spluttered.
Sirius looked at Filibuster who seemed the picture of innocence. "He's just asserting his dominance," Sirius said coolly.
"Well he can assert it somewhere else or else I'll have to send a formal complaint to Professor Dumbledore, and you'll possibly need to keep him in your dorm."
James, Peter, and Remus all flinched at the thought of Fili living permanently in their dorm. "Fine," Sirius grumbled, angrily raking his fingers through his hair. "I'll talk to him. Just because you lot don't know how to take care of owls..."
The boy narrowed his eyes. "I literally do! I am literally in training to work at the post office, you dumb piece of hippogriff shit."
Sirius smirked. "In training does not mean certified."
He yanked out his wand. "Why you little—"
"Okay!" James chuckled, pushing himself between them. "Sirius will talk to Fili, no need to get your wand out." He put his finger on the wand, pushing it aside. "Have a good evening."
The boy glared at all of them before storming out, muttering about Sirius, calling him Barmy Black.
"You should have let him hex me, he would have gotten into trouble!" complained Sirius as they went farther into the owlery, all their owls coming down to finally greet them. Sirius put his arm out and Fili landed on it, then promptly bit Sirius on the ear. "You been trying to show you're the most dominant owl?" Sirius asked, stroking Fili gently. Fili hooted and spread his wings out. "Good boy."
"Sirius—" Remus started, then stopping, not feeling like dealing with that, not really wanting to have to look at him. "Here, James." He handed the letter over to his friend who tied it to Godric's leg, explaining that he needed to go to Miss Fawley. While he did this, Remus went to greet Arthur who seemed even droopier than usual. Arthur hooted, and Remus nuzzled him.
Once they left, Remus headed to the library for Study Group while the others went off to probably cause mayhem and chaos that would give him a headache later.
/\/\/\/\/\
At least things between Remus and Lily didn't feel very awkward after the kiss; he had worried it would be, but she acted completely normal and he wasn't bothered by it. Or rather... it didn't change anything between them. It had definitely bothered him in a continual am-I-broken-what-is-wrong-with-me way. But as far as Lily and he went, nothing seemed any different, to his great relief. She didn't act different, or bring up the kiss, or anything. Any time spent with her was the same as it always had been. He also started relaxing again with Sirius, the dream becoming fuzzier and fuzzier as time passed. It helped that he was continually reminding himself it meant nothing to Lily, so it was okay it meant nothing to him, and that didn't mean anything.
It didn't.
On Friday morning Godric returned with a reply, dropping the letter into Remus's lap. All the Marauders watched excitedly as he opened the letter.
Dear Remus,
I knew you were planning on something for Valentine's day but Merlin's beard! Don't push yourself, my dear. If you do manage to get this new spell invented then yes, I shall help. It won't hurt anyone, and sounds very amusing; I can't wait to see the results in your memories. What we can do is if I enchant a very long piece of ribbon or string. You can use the sticking spell on the doorway, and stick it around the entire doorway. That way people will 'pass under it'. I've tried this and it seems to work. I don't know how well it will work with your self-invented spell or how long it will last, however hopefully it will last all through breakfast at least. Let me know next Tuesday, and then I can bring it on the twelfth.
Yours,
M. Fawley
Remus whispered the contents out to his friends (leaving out the bit about not pushing himself, that was silly) and they all quietly celebrated. There were many high fives exchanged which made some nearby students suspicious.
"Oh, we're celebrating what we did to the eggs," James said, and the students pushed the large platter of eggs away, glaring at them. James pulled the platter closer and began piling eggs on his plate, trying not to laugh.
/\/\/\/\/\
While the Marauders trusted Fawley, they wanted to test the string thing out themselves. After lunch they went to their dorm, where Remus cut a long piece of yarn and Sirius stuck it around their doorway. James and Peter waited outside. Remus put the activation spell on the yarn, and Sirius hit it with the jelly-arms jinx. James and Peter walked through, and both got their arms jellified. They all laughed and whooped victoriously, exchanging more high fives which was very awkward with James and Peter. James didn't let Remus fix him right away, he kept running around flailing his jellified arms and smacking the others with them.
They spent the rest of the free period wandering around the castle. James and Sirius sent the jelly-arms jinx to various students they came across, while Peter described to Remus the events of the latest issue of his favorite comic series. Eventually they just sorta hung around on a bench, kicking their feet, talking about random things until Sirius pointed out they still hadn't made a sledding slope indoors yet. James reminded him they were waiting until they could make it snow instead of hauling snow in, and Sirius said hauling snow in would be fine. All three Marauders stared at him.
"What?" he asked.
"YOU'RE the one who complained about hauling the snow in the first place!" Peter said.
"You're the one who wanted to wait till we had a spell to make it snow," added Remus. "Which, yes, I am working on however am certainly not there yet." He got his wand out and flicked it. "Chionius." Very sparse snowflakes began falling from the ceiling, melting as they touched the ground. James stuck his hand out, a few flakes falling on his outstretched palm. "Finite incantatem. See? It's not much."
"Does it last?" James asked, looking at the water on his hand. "If you put the spell on a room, does it last?"
"Er, I'm... not sure how long it will... why? Whose room do you want to enchant?"
James grinned. "Oh, anyone's really. Just curious if it would work. You know... Filch's office... we do it at night after he goes to bed—"
"When does ol' Filchy ever go to bed?" Peter demanded.
"He's got a point," laughed Sirius. "Every single time we've been about, so's he."
"Does he even sleep?" demanded Pete. "I mean, are we really sure he sleeps?"
James tilted his head. "Actually, I have no clue where his private rooms are. Maybe he doesn't even have a bed."
Peter gasped. "Maybe he's a vampire! Has anyone actually seen him leave the castle?"
"Yes," said Remus, and they all looked at him in surprise. "Rather, I have not seen him leave the castle, however I know he went to the Gryffindor/Ravenclaw game last year. Myrtle told me. He wanted to see the results."
Peter snapped his fingers. "There goes that idea."
"If he goes to the Hufflepuff/Slytherin game later this month, we could do it," James said brightly. "He goes to Slytherin games, right? Want to do that?" he asked Remus directly.
Remus shrugged. "All right. When is it?"
"The seventeenth."
Remus flinched. "Ahh. No. I—I'm sorry, I won't be able to."
James frowned, brow furrowing. "Why not?" Remus bowed his head, mumbling. "What?" James asked.
"I'll be... in the hospital wing," he sighed, then wanted to change the subject because he wasn't really in the mood to discuss the moon at the moment. "However, he must go to bed at some point. Even if he's creeping around the castle in the middle of the night, he most likely sleeps in the early hours of the morning. We'll simply have to stay up very late, or wake up very early."
"Imagine his face when he opens his office door and finds all the snow!" Sirius giggled. "We should put a little snowman on his desk. Or a snow-cat. Could we make one of those?"
"Probably, but if not we could remake it into a snowman," James replied. "Okay, since we won't be getting much sleep should we do this on Wednesday morning, or wait till Saturday?"
"Saturday will give me more time to practice the spell, making it last longer," Remus said.
"Okay, Saturday then," James said, and giggled. "In the meantime we also need to practice the Valentine's prank too."
Remus rubbed his forehead, feeling tired thinking about all of this. "I—I'm fairly sure the spell is correct and we only need to practice it to the point where it lasts longer than a few minutes."
"Come on, let's all practice it," suggested James, so they headed to the nearest unused classroom where Remus carefully told them the pronunciation and showed them the wand movement that worked.
Soon there were choruses of "Galymasitum!" and pink, heart-shaped bubbles began floating around everyone. Whenever one of them moved, their heart bubbles would follow. They weren't poppable, not even with knives (as James got his potions kit out and started stabbing at the bubbles, succeeding only in getting them to inch away from him). However, it only took a few minutes before the bubbles started deflating. Remus's attempts lasted the longest, lasting up to ten minutes. Once the bubbles deflated and sunk to the floor they finally popped, leaving a faint trace of soapiness on the ground.
"You are so smart," Peter said once they finally grew tired of the spell and collapsed in a corner of the room to avoid all the mess. "I can't believe you just invent spells. That's so... I mean, impossible... I mean, not impossible but... you know what I mean."
Remus pushed his sweaty hair out of his face. "Th—thank you."
"You're gonna be a famous spellmaker," Sirius said.
Remus grew a little warm under the praise, and ducked low. "Aw, well, not—not really..." He knew how impossible that would be. Making the spells, sure, he was growing more confident in his ability to do that. However... in order to make them official he'd have to run them by the Ministry which wasn't something that could ever happen. There was a sinking feeling in his stomach and he shook his head, determined to ignore it. "But it is fun coming up with spells for pranks."
James pumped a fist in the air. "True Marauder spirit!" he exclaimed, and they all laughed.
/\/\/\/\/\
Remus still smelled strongly of soap when he went to Study Group, and Lily and Aegis both gave him strange looks though neither commented on it. He knew it was an uncomfortably strong smell, however he assumed it wouldn't be that strong for normal human noses. Oops. At least it was just soap and nothing too weird.
After Study Group was over, Lily and Remus walked through the castle together slowly, chattering about various things, until they were nearly knocked over by the other Marauders running. Well, James and Sirius—Peter was lagging behind trying to stay caught up. Remus grabbed a hold of Lily right before she fell, yanking her back to her feet.
"Whooops!" James laughed. "Didn't see you there, Red."
"You need better glasses then, Potter!" Lily grumbled, brushing herself off. "Thank you, Remus." James and Sirius eyed Remus who was still holding Lily's arm. He quickly let go, mumbling that it hadn't been anything. "Why are you lot running? No running in the halls."
"No running in the halls," James said in a whiny, mimicky voice. "You wanna get that stick out of your—"
Remus pounced, covering James's mouth. "James!" he hissed.
Lily folded her arms. "I know perfectly well what he was going to say, and it doesn't surprise me, he's very rude."
Sirius and Peter were watching all of this with amused interest, and Peter whispered to Sirius "How long till she hexes him?" causing Sirius to snort.
Remus wished James would keep his mouth shut. "Why were you running?" he asked, hoping to change the topic.
"We hexed some kids," replied Sirius with a shrug.
Lily glared at him. "You really find that fun? Hexing innocent people?"
Sirius had a habit: he really liked cats, and whenever he saw one wandering around (minus Filch's cat of course) he often put his hand down to let them sniff, and then if they let him he'd pet them or sometimes pull them onto his lap. There was a cat sitting on a nearby bench watching all of this going on and Sirius finally noticed, and went over, putting his hand out. The cat stared at him with a strange expression and since it didn't run away or complain, Sirius assumed it was friendly.
"Yeah, it can be," Sirius said, scritching the cat behind its ears and along its cheek, watching it carefully for its reaction to make sure this attention was okay. "Honestly, we don't do anything really bad, just—"
The cat changed form, and Sirius's hand was now against Professor McGonagall's waist, around where the cat's head had been.
Everyone stared in astonishment.
"Professor!" Sirius finally squeaked, yanking his hand away from their teacher's waist, his entire face going beet red.
Professor McGonagall stood up, looking down her nose at him. "And who did you hex?"
"Ahhh."
Nobody else even made a sound, all of them too shocked to respond even though Remus finally understood why their teacher constantly smelled like a cat. He had assumed she had a cat or two, one of the many that hung around the school, but never in his life would he have been able to guess she turned into one! All the Marauders had heard rumors about her being able to become an animal but considering there were rumors like that about pretty much every single teacher (and he highly doubted Slughorn could turn himself into a slug safely), he had never thought much about it.
"Well?" she demanded.
Sirius made a very strange gaspy sort of noise, and took a step back.
"I see. Ten points from Gryffindor from you and Mr. Potter, as well as a night of detention each."
"Ahhh."
"You're an—an—an anima—magus," Remus finally got out.
McGonagall glanced over. "Very good, Mr. Lupin."
"That is... amazing," Lily breathed out, eyes going wide as she stared at their teacher. "That is incredible. I didn't—I never knew—I mean, I know human transfiguration is possible but—you can—you can become a cat!"
"Yes. You'll be learning about animagi next year, though it doesn't surprise me at all you," she said, looking at Remus, "already know all about them."
"I—" Remus started, then stopped. Part of him glowed under her praise, but part of him felt strange since the reason he did know about animagi was because he had done a lot of research into them growing up. He had hoped perhaps something about them might be connected to lycanthropy. Of course, he had been unable to do as much research as he would have liked, as books about the actual process were unavailable for sale without a permission slip from the Ministry. "Y-yes," he finally said.
Lily shook her head. "But how do you transform back without your wand? It's just an—an illusion, is it? Because you looked like you transformed!"
"I did transform. We—" She paused, then gave Remus a smile. "Do you wish to explain? I'd like to see how much you know about this subject."
"Er..." He ducked his head, twisting his fingers into the hem of his jumper. "Animagi can transform wholly and fully into—into an animal. They can't... choose which animal they become, it is their animal within. But—but they are that animal. Professor McGonagall fully becomes a cat, with—with a human's mind. Their biology is that animal, only they retain their human mind and control," he finished, trying not to feel or sound bitter. Animagi got to keep their human mind, and control over their body. He didn't. His stomach twisted itself into knots, and he pressed a hand against his belly, trying to put some pressure against it to keep himself from getting too ill. "I—I think they—they have their animal instincts too, though, if I'm not mistaken. Also, it is one of the—the few spells one can do without a wand. Since, er, you don't... have... a wand as an animal or can—can speak English."
"Very good, Mr. Lupin," McGonagall said, adjusting her glasses. "Ten points to Gryffindor."
"Ah—"
"Is it something we'll learn?" Lily interrupted.
"No, my dear," McGonagall said, rather gently. "It is an extremely dangerous branch of transfiguration. The process is very long, and if one does not do it correctly you could wind up permanently partially an animal. Or worse. It is so dangerous, complicated, and time-consuming that animagi are quite rare. As I said, we will learn more about them next year however feel free to take it upon yourself to study more if you so desire. Have a good evening Miss Evans, Mr. Lupin, Mr. Pettigrew."
"Not us?" James asked when he and Sirius weren't mentioned.
"When you stop giving me a headache, I'll wish you a good evening," she said, and swished off down the hall.
Once she disappeared Sirius looked at his hand. "I can't believe I just groped my teacher's waist." He kept staring at his hand, then sighed. "Ah, well, at least it was Professor McGonagall. She's gorgeous, so."
"You pet our teacher," Peter said, finally speaking up.
"Oh Merlin, I did..."
"I guess this makes you the teacher's pet," Lily joked, and Sirius scowled while everyone else burst into laughter.
"Good one, Red!" James said, and held his hand up for a high five.
Lily wrinkled her nose. "Don't touch me." She stepped away, then spun to face Remus. "I'll see you later. I'd like to chat about the whole ani... animage thing." She gave a withering look to James and then flounced off.
James blew a raspberry after her, giving a two finger salute. "Cow," he muttered, and Remus glared. "I mean... er, well, so, Sirius, you groped our teacher, congrats!" He gave Sirius a light punch.
Peter had been inching his way towards Remus and finally got there. "Hey," he said softly. "This is a dumb question but, that—what McGonagall is, it's completely different from you, right?"
Remus was startled by this question and at first didn't know how to react. Sirius and James had heard and were now looking at him with equal interest. "Ah, er, r-right. Yes. It's v-very different." He listened to make sure nobody was around, then stepped closer to the three of them. "As I said, animagi keep their human mind when they transform and can control themselves, and they can choose to transform. I... do not. Mine is—is forced. And... I... definitely don't... keep any shred of human mind nor do I have any kind of control," he whispered, sticking his hands in his pockets to keep them from shaking. "Obviously I c-cannot change back when I wish either."
Sirius reached out, messing Remus's hair up. "Least you knocked our point loss down to only ten instead of twenty, Brains."
Remus forced a smile, pulling away to smooth his hair back down, trying to ignore those feelings, trying to shove the box back down, reminding himself very rapidly that it meant nothing to Lily, it was fine it didn't mean anything for him. Whatever this was would go away soon, and he'd like girls and be normal.
He gave a grunt as James slapped his back before slinging an arm around his shoulders. "Now that we had that interesting encounter, let's go find some more Slytherins to hex, eh?"
James hauled Remus off and the others hurried after, joking about Sirius petting McGonagall and groping her waist. Remus didn't talk much, he mostly thought about the fact McGonagall was an animagus. At least now they knew to be careful chatting about their pranks with random cats around!
