A Marauder's Guide to Falling Forever

PART FOUR

Written by alliegrl


Chapter Twenty Nine

Sirius

Even before his eyes fell to the house the unmistakable omen hovered above, illuminating the dark sky in a hazy shade of green.

The mark of death.

He heard the whistling of the wind whip past him as his body moved faster than he had ever moved, the sound of his own blood rippling through his veins and his heart pulsating so fiercely it might rip from his ribcage. The only other thing that existed was the darkness and the disconcerting silence as he entered the home.

Broken things scattered the house. Scorch marks from blasted curses were like paintings on the wall. The faint smell of something burning still wafting in parts of the foyer as he moved through the house in search.

"MARLENE!?" he yelled out, not caring if a threat still lingered in the home. His wand withdrawn in front of him, eyes sharp and focused, he continued moving through the wreckage.

Nothing on the main floor.

He moved to the staircase.

Each step up the stairs felt like one hundred years passing, and yet it took only mere seconds after pushing open the bedroom door for his entire world to come crashing down.

Dead.

Unmistakably dead.

He woke again to the agonizing nightmare drenched in sweat and tears. Sirius fumbled with shaky, adrenaline fueled fingers for his wand on the floor beside him and choked out, "Lumos."

The tip of his wand illuminated the small confines of the Potter's den where Sirius had been sleeping for the past two months. Ever since the night he had arrived home to discover Marlene's lifeless, beaten body he hadn't properly slept. He flipped over in the small cot onto his stomach and buried his face into the pillow, letting out an aggravated cry. He didn't worry about waking anyone; he had long ago learned to cast a silencing charm over the room at night. Even the sleeping draughts Lily had brewed for him didn't suppress the nightmares.

Angry, he took his fist and brought it down into the mattress beside his head. The spring coils of the mattress squealed in protest to the unnatural aggression and abuse. But Sirius didn't care about anyone or anything. And that was exactly why he had locked himself away in the Potters cottage, where he didn't have to worry about the pitiful looks and meaningless offers of condolences. Where he would be left alone to grieve because James and Lily knew better than to coddle him or hover. He left them to grieve together, and they left him to grieve alone. Just the way he wanted.

Sirius's emotions were without control. He would go from crying, unable to get out of bed, asking for his memory to be obliviated to destroying things and blasting curses at the wall all within minutes of one another. His unpredictable mood swings were like a light switch flicking on and off at unrelenting intervals. But one emotion that never turned off was the guilt.

It consumed him every second of his waking moments and then well into the night. Life had become one cruel joke, his own perpetual hell. What agonized him most, even more than being the one to discover her body, a haunting image he would never be able to erase, was the fact that he knew she had died because of him. He had failed to protect her, knowing full well that she would be a target for finding the Potters just as much as he was.

He should have never let her leave alone.

"I'm so fucking stupid," he screamed into the pillow. "How could I have been so stupid. I'm so sorry Marlene." And when the aggression ebbed away the depression took over once again and Sirius cried with guilt, and sorrow, and regret for the things he could not change.


"Sirius, we love you but you can't stay here forever," Lily said with a motherly authority. "This isn't good for you to live like this."

"And how else am I supposed to live?" he snapped. "She's gone. I can't go back there."

"Nobody says you have to go back to the house, Sirius," Lily's voice softened. Sirius avoided looking at her, the grief threatening to consume him again. He preferred when Lily was angry; it made the emotions easier to control. He could handle rage, but he could not handle the sadness. It was just too much.

"Then where do I go?" he demanded. "I have nobody. Nothing."

Lily's arms wrapped around him in an effort to comfort him, but he shook her off. The softness of her tone hardened again, "You're not the only one suffering Sirius. I lost her too!"

"It's not the same!" he roared, ready to pick another fight with anyone over anything at all. He and Lily were lucky that James was nearby because he was a frequent mediator between the two.

Swiftly, James stepped in between and said something to Lily that wasn't loud enough for Sirius to hear. She let out a loud huff before removing herself from the room and slammed a door somewhere else within the cottage. That satisfied Sirius, knowing that he had pissed her off.

"Padfoot, mate," James warned. "We can't keep doing this."

"So what am I supposed to do then?" he sneered. "What do you suggest I do? Because apparently nobody is willing to hex me until I forget. Maybe I should break into the Department of Mysteries and touch one of those damn prophecies. End up like Tom. That'll keep my mind off things for awhile. Hell, I bet Tom would even let me waltz into the place if he knew what I had in mind."

"Stop!" James yelled at him. "Seriously. Stop. Listen to yourself! You're being ridiculous."

"PUT YOURSELF IN MY POSITION AND THEN TELL ME AGAIN HOW RIDICULOUS I'M BEING!" Sirius yelled back even louder. Upstairs the wailing sounds of Harry filled the small cottage, the only thing to trigger a fleeting sense of remorse in Sirius. As much as he was angry at the world, he did not wish to cause harm to Harry.

"I can't," James spoke quietly. "I can't even begin to imagine what I would do or how I would feel if that was Lily..."

"Then don't tell me I'm being ridiculous."

"Look. You are allowed to grieve in any way you want that doesn't hurt yourself or others. But you're turning into a completely different person, Padfoot. And it's beginning to worry us."

"Worry you or worry Lily?"

"Both."

The two boys stood staring at one another in a challenging sort of manner before Sirius finally broke contact and fell to the couch. He buried his head in his hands and attempted to suppress another wave of anguish.

He was unsuccessful.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed. "I'm so sorry." But he wasn't apologizing to James. Not really. His friend sat beside him on the couch, and Sirius felt his strong hand clamp down on his shoulder, giving him a firm squeeze of comfort. Neither one of them knew how to continue on past that.

And the nightmares continued.


The end of October drew near and still Sirius was still no better off. The temperature outside the cottage drastically declined from the hot heat of summer, and chilled into something much more worthy of winter than fall. Despite the fact that he had not stepped foot outside of the cottage in months, the change in weather seemed to dampen his mood even more so than before.

"This is difficult to say Padfoot," James told him on a particularly cold afternoon. Tiny flakes of snow were falling like glitter outside the living room window where Sirius watched emotionlessly.

"You want me to leave," he responded dully.

"I don't want - "

"Lily then."

"Neither one of us wants you to leave, Sirius," James said firmly. "But Emmeline said you could move into her spare room if you wanted."

"You mean Marlene's old room?" Sirius barked at him bitterly.

James' expression turned horrified. "I didn't even think - " he trailed off without finishing his sentence.

Sirius pulled at his hair and his eyelids fell. "I'm sorry. I'm being a prat and you don't deserve it."

James sounded defeated when he replied, "You're grieving Sirius. I understand that."

"I'll find somewhere else to stay. I just won't go back there." Sirius knew that he had overstayed his welcome. James and Lily weren't forcing him to go anywhere, but he knew that they would be more than justified to do so.

"Emmeline also offered to pack and clean up for you if you'd like."

Suddenly Sirius felt like snapping again. The good intentions behind Emmeline's offer were not lost to Sirius, but the thought of her touching Marlene's things was too painful to endure.

With great effort he held himself together. "No, I will do it."

"You don't have to do that - " James attempted to say.

And Sirius interrupted him. "Yes. I do."

There were a few moments of silence before James opened his mouth to speak. It hung open and then closed like he had changed his mind before opening up again. "There's something else," James said slowly. He looked conflicted and when he threw his hand through his hair, his trademark move from adolescence, Sirius knew he was nervous too.

"Go on then."

"Lily and I think we should choose another secret keeper. At least for the time being."

Sirius stared at him for a moment. Then he moved his gaze to stare back out the window to watch the falling snow. "Alright then."

"Yeah?" James asked, still sounding apprehensive. Sirius couldn't really blame him, he knew that he was like a ticking time bomb, unpredictably detonating at unreasonable notice.

"I'm not the best choice right now. I get that."

"It's not as if we don't trust you, Padfoot. I trust you with my life. Quite literally. I just think...with what happened...you know...?"

"I get it mate. I'll be next."

He knew that with absolute certainty. From the moment they performed the fidelius charm he knew he would be an obvious target. Dumbledore had even warned them. It was another reason to feel guilty again about leaving Marlene to travel home alone.

He couldn't make that mistake again.

"I bet Dumbledore would do it if you asked," Sirius suggested, turning back to look at his best friend. "He was willing before."

"We had another person in mind, actually." James raked his hair again and instant rage tore through Sirius.

"Absolutely not!" he growled. "I'll off myself and let your secret location forever be lost before I let you make Moony your secret keeper."

"I thought you might have that reaction," James sighed. "But there's also another option."

"What other option is there?" Sirius was still seething. How could James be so stupid enough as to trust Remus. Not after the many months he had been spying for Voldemort. Sirius still hadn't found any definitive proof, but his hatred for Remus had grown tenfold since Marlene's death.

"Wormtail."

Sirius stared blankly at James. And then he howled with laughter. The thought was ludicrous. Absolute madness. And that was why it was so perfect.

James was giving him a funny look. "Is the idea so preposterous then?"

"On the contrary mate. Not even I considered Peter as a viable option. Why on earth would anyone else suspect him?

And so, the day before Halloween, unbeknownst to anyone other than the four friends, Peter Pettigrew willingly exchanged places with Sirius as the Potters secret keeper.


It was difficult for Sirius to say goodbye to James, Lily, and Harry. He knew they would see each other again, but didn't want to think about how long he would need to wait for their reunion.

Returning to the home he had begun to build with Marlene was difficult. He had to relive the nightmare with every second he was in the house. In the end he kept only the mirror, leaving everything else, including the ring intended for Marlene, behind.

He didn't know how to move on.

But he had finally accepted that she wasn't coming back.

And it hurt too much to hold onto any physical reminder that she was gone.

Dead.

Marlene was dead.

And Sirius was dead but living without her.

And then, like a bolt of lightning in a summer storm, like the lightning shaped scar inflicted upon his one year old godson, the news of the Potters tragic end and Harry's miraculous survival struck.

Sirius hadn't wanted to believe it. But he stared at the ruins of the cottage, everything hit him all at once.

"Alright' there Black?" The towering form of Rubeus Hagrid approached him. He was already on scene at the time of Sirius's arrival. The rest of the Order members arrived shortly after, all having received Dumbledore's patronus of the tragic news.

"Is that really a question?" Sirius said stone cold, refusing to take his eyes off the house. He felt numb and disconnected, as though what he was experiencing wasn't real. How could it be?

He had been wrong. So very, very wrong.

Because Remus Lupin wasn't the spy.

It was Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius had handed over his friends on a silver platter. Sent them to the slaughterhouse. Killed them like he had killed Marlene.

"I suppose not," Hagrid said apologetically. "Not here to cause any sort of trouble," he continued, "but I have orders from Dumbledore to take young Harry here to the Dursley's."

Sirius looked to Hagrid and realized he was holding a small bundle of blankets in his large hands. "Is that Harry?"

"Thought you might want to see him before I take him," Hagrid said.

Sirius reached out for him. As he stared at the small toddler in his arms, sleeping and oblivious with only a small bloody scar etched into his forehead, he decided a lifetime in Azkaban wasn't worth murdering Wormtail over. Even though he desperately wanted to.

James and Lily had trusted Sirius to take care of Harry if the time ever came. He knew nothing about raising a child but he knew that he would raise and love Harry as his own. He would do anything to keep Harry safe. He wouldn't fail his loved ones a third time. He couldn't.

"Why are you taking him to the Dursley's?" Sirius knew enough about them from Marlene and James' account of their horridness to question Hagrid's intention. "I'm his godfather."

"I don't want no trouble," Hagrid repeated gruffly. "But I got instructions. See?" His hand pulled out a folded piece of parchment and Sirius shifted Harry's body so that he could grab it with his free hand.

Hagrid,

Harry must be taken to 4 Privet Drive immediately. I shall meet you there shortly.

-Albus Dumbledore

Sirius didn't feel like arguing and the letter appeared credible, written in Dumbledore's own hand. He would sort it out with Albus later and decided to trust that his former headmaster knew what the best course of action would be while the dust settled. Besides, he had business to attend to first, business that wasn't suitable for a baby.

"Take my motorcycle," Sirius insisted. He had been storing it at the cottage, continually forgetting to take it home. Marlene had hated it and he had very little use for it these days. He reluctantly handed Harry back over to the half giant and directed him to where it was stored.

"Yeah?" Hagrid asked.

"It will be the fastest way. If Dumbledore thinks he will be safe there then you better get going. It won't be long before Voldemort's followers show up."

Hagrid shuddered and then carried baby Harry away, clambered into Sirius's bike, gave a firm salute and the engine roared to life.

Without waiting for Hagrid to depart, Sirius disapparated away on a mission to find and destroy Peter Pettigrew.

He wasn't hard to find.

He had surrounded himself in a very public setting, no doubt sure that he would not be accosted in front of muggles. He must have known that Sirius would come looking for him.

"I always knew you were dumb, Wormtail," Sirius sneered at him, corning him into a brick wall against a local shop. People were walking around giving curious glances at the way Sirius predatorily stalked towards his friend turned foe. "But this is an all new level of stupid. Even for you."

"I - I - don't k-know wh-wha -" Peter stammered. "What your t-talking ab-bout."

"If you think muggles are going to protect you then you're even dumber than I thought. And that's saying something because your intelligence level is microscopic at best."

Peter scowled, and suddenly the stammer was gone. "Obviously not as stupid as you thought. Fooled you all, didn't I? And all along you thought it was Moony. Whose the stupid one now?"

Sirius let out a growl and lunged forward. He held his wand firmly in his hand despite the numerous witnesses pausing to watch. He wouldn't kill Peter. No. He would hex him good enough to render him unable to flee, maybe torture him a little, and then let the Order figure out how to proceed. So what if they'd need to use some memory charms on the muggles nearby. The end would justify the means, and a tiny memory charm was surely better than letting another death eater escape capture.

Of course he'd push to kill him later, because if Peter was going to die, Sirius wanted to be the one to do it. But he needed to prove that Wormtail was a death eater first, other wise the threat of Azkaban hung over his head, and he couldn't do that to Harry. However, it didn't appear that Peter was going to go willingly.

Peter's confidence was short lived; his eyes widened at the threat coming towards him and that was when he started to sob loudly. "You killed them," he said, projecting his voice enough for others to hear. It caused Sirius to pause in his tracks. "James and Lily. How could you betray your friends like that? My dearest friends. You killed them!"

"What the fuck - ?" Sirius started. He didn't get a chance to finish because Peter let out an agonizing scream and ran into the middle of the street.

Suddenly an explosion erupted around him; bricks flying, smoke billowing, and the screams of surrounding muggles being masked by the thunderous sound of the street being blown to pieces and a nearby building giving way to gravity.

Peter had blown up the street. And then he had vanished.

The screams of those nearby, the ones that hadn't been close enough to be instantly killed by the blast, rang through the air. A large crater in the street from where Peter had been standing was littered with a dozen or so bodies. Sirius could feel the wet fragments of blood from the remnants of casualties splattered across his face. He could see it painted across the pavement and storefronts in a sickening shade of crimson.

Then flashes of apparating wizards popped up around the crater. Sirius assumed they were other order members or ministry officials. Maybe they were even death eaters. He didn't pay them any attention. He didn't care.

Instead he saw the flash of brown fur scuttle through the smoke and disappear into the sewer drain that had cracked open from the explosion. The rat disappeared before he could properly register that Peter had transformed himself into his animagus form. He had planned it all.

All he could do was stare at the bloody, amputated finger that remained where Peter had once been standing.

And then Sirius laughed.