CHAPTER 66:
The third reason
The wet season was coming to an end, although that didn't matter much if you lived in Shaiya. Being a northern small city built by the Sea of Sand, downpours weren't something that happened often even during that time of the year, and funnily enough, Jay was having a hard time getting used to the weather around there again.
The boy huffed, hovering over the workbench where he was currently absorbed sawing a wooden plank. Even sheltered under the fresh shadow of the roof of the working area, his body was very warm with the physical effort that his task required. Beads of sweat rolled down his face, dangerously brushing the corner of his eye, Jay quickly straightened and wiped it off with his hand before the salty components of the fluid could irritate his eyeballs. He grunted rather annoyed at the fact that his arms weren't any drier than the rest of his skin, then grabbed the old rag hanging by his toolbelt and used it for a more proper fix before haphazardly shoving it back into place. He stared at the board before him and huffed once again, stretching his arms over his head. He could use a break before working on the rest.
As he stepped out of the workspace and crossed the short distance to the shack Jay felt himself melting under the relentless sun. His need for a bit of water escalating fast. Jay looked around the tiny house. He was alone, both of his parents were out, Ed was trying to make business while Edna had gone to check on a neighbor's child that had fallen sick recently.
Finally spotting the bucket he was looking for, Jay walked up to it and served himself some water. After refreshing himself he plopped down on the floor and rested his head on the wall, taking in slow breaths to not overheat himself anymore.
Gosh, his shirt was so sweaty and clung to him in the most awkward manner. Jay grabbed the back and pulled it up over his head, tossing it away after using it to dry himself again. He stayed like that, just resting for a few minutes until his body cooled down. Two months of being lazy had gotten to him, it had taken Jay a while to fall back into the routine, but after two weeks he was doing better. It was a good thing that Cole had trained him often, or his arms would have turned into jelly.
A frown appeared in his face. A bit more than two weeks away from all those boys and Jay still couldn't keep them off his thoughts. Sure, they had lived together for a while, but this nostalgia didn't feel normal, he wasn't missing the luxuries —he missed them. His parents were amazing people, and very talkative as well, Jay rarely had a minute of boredom with them and all the work they did, but… None of them would giggle embarrassed after almost crushing Jay's ribs in a hug, they wouldn't get lost in a long and complicated speech about plants or birds, they wouldn't even get into a fleeting argument only to make up a few minutes later.
Jay sighed, surprised at how depressing the puff of air came out of his mouth, he wrapped an arm over his naked chest instinctively, the little sweat that remained on him had cooled down and the subtle chills that came with that were getting uncomfortable. His eyes landed on a chest as he considered putting something on again.
No, not just a chest —the chest. The one that stored all the clothes that the Walkers had received from the monarch.
The boy kneeled in front of it, pulling up the lid and staring at the different fabrics delicately folded in its interior. With a gentle finger, Jay traced the shape of some beautiful embroidered patterns, then the rest of the digits joined and he was caressing the kurta with his whole hand, feeling the texture of the expensive cotton as it brushed against his skin. He took it out, looking back for a moment and considering another article when his mind got lost again.
Jay didn't intend on bringing the long shirt close to his face, feeling the softness, letting the subtle traces of royal perfume travel throughout his nostrils and spread all over his nerves. He didn't intend on it, but it happened anyway, and the deeper he breathed that scent, the more his heart yearned to smell it directly from Kai's neck.
"I'm back!"
Jay jumped as his mother appeared by the door. He froze for a moment, alarmed at what Edna would think upon seeing him bare-chested and sniffing clothes from another person.
"Honey, is something wrong?" The woman looked him up and down.
"N-No!" Jay had to pause after the embarrassing squeak that came out of his mouth. "I- I just- I was getting changed! It's so hot outside!" He sputtered nervously.
In his urgency to close the trunk and get dressed again, his hand got caught under the cover. Jay letting out a scandalous yelp that made him blush further than before.
"Oh, Jay, watch out. Are you hurt, honey?" Edna hurried to tend to her son, examining his hand. The limb was safe, just a bit red and aching from the recent bang. "You have to be more careful."
"Yeah, s-sorry…" Jay mumbled. "How was Serilda's kid?" He asked, walking a couple of steps away as he finally covered his body.
"He's recovering. I had to stay a bit longer than expected because we were waiting to see if the herbs were having any effect on him." Jay's mother went on narrating to her son some more details of their neighbor's issues, regardless of the boy barely paying attention. The very moment Edna mentioned the herb remedy, Zane jumped straight into Jay's mind. If the ex-doctor were there, he would definitely be the first to help them.
Jay only landed back into reality when a deadly silence filled the place. He stared at his mother, tense at being caught in his trance. Edna only smiled at her son.
"Did you finish what your father needed?"
"Almost. I was taking a break."
Edna nodded in peaceful agreement. After drying her face and having a small cup of water in modest sips, the woman spread a large bamboo matt on the floor, gathered her sewing tools, and sat by the edge, ready to start on some tailoring duties.
"Can I help you, mom?"
"Doesn't your hand hurt?"
Jay massaged his palm. "I'm okay," he said.
Edna nodded with a soft smile and signaled the boy to sit down by the other edge of the mattress, holding down the fabric as she basted the ripped parts and considered the best way to fix the mess. The 'Walker gene' wouldn't deter just because Edna was concentrated on some needlework, she soon started a new conversation.
"Oh, you won't guess who I stumbled into earlier," Edna teased her son.
"Who?" Jay asked with middle interest.
"Mekhi."
Jay smiled at the familiar name, Mekhi had been one of the very few kids that hadn't been mean to Jay when they were younger. Their relationship never evolved into a very deep friendship, but Jay was quite fond of the boy.
"He wanted me to thank you for the money you gave his family days ago. He was so happy."
Jay gladly listened to his mom ramble about the details of her conversation with said neighbor.
"Oh, and he told me he's going to get married! He's found a beautiful girl from a nearby city, but they have been postponing the union until they had enough money for the celebrations. Isn't that great? You just helped two people in love."
"Uh, yeah." Unaware of the reason behind it, Jay's muscles tensed a fraction.
"I'll pray for their happiness later, it is really hard to be away from the people you love, I know it firsthand." She looked up into her son's eyes and a bittersweet curve was born in her lips.
Jay shuddered, remorse spreading like a wildfire through his veins. Edna wasn't ignorant of her son's jitters.
"Jay, are you alright?"
"Y-yeah…" His voice cracked. Jay looked away, feeling an intense burning in the back of his eyes.
"Hun, what's wrong?" Edna put the tools aside and reached for her son's face, caressing the slightly reddened cheeks.
Jay tried to be strong, to not worry his mother with bagatelles, but the problem was that what he was currently feeling was far from a trivial detail. His chest felt heavy again, the turmoil of emotions spinning with more force every second. Before he could stop them, tears were already running down towards his jaw. Jay wiped them frantically.
"I'm sorry I've worried you and dad for so long," Jay murmured.
"Oh, Jaybird, don't think about that, nothing was your fault."
But it is… Jay commented to himself. He could have tried to escape from the palace, he could have been more firm instead of accepting Kai's deal, he could have asked Cole to intercede on his behalf and get Kai to free him a lot earlier.
But he did not. Instead of that, Jay had given up. He'd accepted the twist of destiny that had put him in Kai's hands and allowed the royal offspring to do as he pleased with Jay…
Right?
As if struck by a lightning bolt, Jay shivered; it had not been any divine punishment sent by the Gods but a fleeting thought that started a whole engine Jay didn't know existed in his body.
Did you really 'give up'? Or did you actually like it there?
Jay sniffed, he hated how stupid and weak that sound made him look like, but it was okay as long as the only witness was his mom. Edna wouldn't judge him, on the contrary; the woman sat next to him, having abandoned all her duties, and lovingly caressed her son's back, arms, and hands.
"There were days that I… didn't think about you for even a second," Jay lamented to his mother. His guilt intensified as he worried about the damage he could cause the woman by admitting that. Edna just smiled sadly at him and hugged Jay again.
"What were you doing at those times?" She asked.
Jay shrugged. "I don't know, probably training with Cole… Or maybe playing some games with them." He choked on a cry, trying to control himself, but it was hard. Jay felt horrible every time he considered how much his parents had been suffering while he was sprawled on royal grass, watching and listening to the guys goofing around.
"You were having fun, and no one should be blamed for that. Don't beat yourself."
"I can't help it. It doesn't feel… fair. That you suffered while I just…" He couldn't even finish the sentence.
Edna fell silent, which Jay understood as the woman agreeing with that incomplete statement. Minutes later he discovered he was very wrong. She cupped Jay's face, pulling it up softly and stared into her son's eyes.
"Honey, your happiness could never make me suffer. Our only fear was that something bad had happened to you and that you were in pain or… no longer in this world." Her eyes darkened with the memories of the many nights she and her husband had fallen asleep while praying for Jay's well-being. "But… all of that disappeared when you came back with Mr. Kai. We were utterly relieved to know someone had been looking out for you all this time and helping you feel at home away from home. Don't worry, my little jaybird, neither your father and I feel bitter towards you. I'd rather not see you ever again so as long as I knew you were somewhere safe and happy than see you getting hurt next to me every day for the rest of my life."
Edna's comment made Jay anxious. "You… You don't want me here?"
"No, baby, of course we do. You're my child, you're a part of me, I'll always want you by my side." She kissed his face and caressed the rosy, wet cheeks. "But if distance meant to save you in some way... I would gladly accept such a fate."
"W-Why?"
"Because… when you love someone with all your heart, that's the only thing you care about; to make them happy."
Every inch of Jay's skin prickled, his hair stood on end, body completely frozen, he couldn't even breathe for a moment. Edna's words traveled through his ears, through his brain, until they mixed with Jay's confused thoughts and slowly spread down to the rest of his body, turning him into goo.
"Don't feel bad, honey." Edna played with the tips of Jay's hair like she'd done all her life. "Having fun isn't wrong."
His mother soothed him for a while longer, but Jay had already stopped listening. His brain was stuck on one specific thought.
"When you love someone with all your heart…" Jay murmured hours later, watching the sunset while sitting on top of a woodpile.
'That's the only thing you care about; to make them happy.'
Happiness… Care… Love…
Jay pressed his face on his knees. It was a miracle that steam wasn't yet coming out of his ears given the speed his brain was working at. Those three words reverberated inside Jay's skull, and far from fading they just seemed to gain more volume with each bump against the bone. Little by little each royal spouse materialized in his mind's eye. Jay remembered their faces with precision —too much precision for his own sake. The last image of all the guys waving at him from the palace stairs haunted him. Zane's gentle but pained expression, Cole and Lloyd's sobs, even the small blond's last request which Jay couldn't fulfill.
And Kai's tears.
Jay had tried not to think about it, but he just couldn't erase those damn tears from his memory. They hurt him as if they were his own, they scarred his chest and stole him of all air. Why though? Why?
Because you care….
The voice that Jay had sought to bury forever once out of palace lands resurfaced. Its presence fierce, it advanced unwavering amidst the rest of the confusion.
You care for his happiness...
For the first time since it manifested, the voice transformed into a more recognizable human shape and Jay stared at himself in the back of his mind.
And you know why...
Like the clear morning sky after a nerve-racking squall, all the ruckus inside Jay's head died down, allowing only that inner voice to reach him, no obstacles in the way. One second look at himself was all it took to come face to face with the truth, to find the last piece to the puzzle —the third reason why he'd been so confused about leaving the palace and which he hadn't been brave enough to share with Cole.
He'd fallen in love.
