Chapter 50 – Finding Hope

OC P.O.V

Once again, I was aware of light piercing the darkness. Very faint at first but becoming stronger as the moments passed. My body felt so heavy, as though I was weighted down. Slowly, I blinked my optics trying to focus on my surrounds. My processor hurt. /What on Earth had happened?/.

I tried to bring my right arm up to my helm to rub it. It wouldn't move. I tried again. Nothing. I tried moving my other arm and the same thing happened. I felt panic start to wash over me. I began to try and move my arms and legs all at once and again – nothing. I was about to scream my frustration and fear when a familiar face loomed above me.

''OC! It's me Rachet,'' he placed his servos on my shoulders trying to still me. ''Shh… it's ok, you are okay. Be still. You are safe. I will explain everything but first I need you to try and calm down and be still. Can you do that for me? Do you trust me?'' Rachet eyed me carefully.

I stilled a moment against his servos. I closed my optics and cycled some air deeply before opening my optics again and nodded slowly. I did not speak.

Rachet allowed a large smile to break out on his dermas. ''Good! Well done OC, thank you. I am so proud of you. I will explain why you can't move and why that had to happen. Please, try to just listen and process what I am saying to you WITHOUT reacting. Can you try to do that for me?'' His optics searched mine again.

I nodded slowly. ''I… I'll try.'' It was weak and uncertain.

Rachet nodded, ''Fair enough.'' He cycled air deeply himself and then began. ''OC, you are unable to move as I had to restrain you. I had to do this to keep you safe, and me as well truth be told.'' I felt my dermas fly open in shock and a look of horror descended on my features. Though I did not speak.

Rachet levelled me with a very steady and serious stare. ''OC. The reason I had to restrain you was you had become very upset about - something - that had happened. Your new powers, you were out of control and you were about to do harm to yourself, me and the Med Bay, so you see, I had to sedate you and then restrain you to make sure you would be okay. When I am positive you are able to control yourself and you are no longer a danger to yourself or others, I will happily and immediately set you free.'' Rachet continued to hold me by my shoulders and look at me intently. ''OC. Do you remember what happened at all?''

I stared at him blankly for a moment. My whole body ached as though I had been punched all over. My processor was foggy, as though it had crashed and was slowly starting to come back online again. My spark. It hurt. Like someone or something had twisted it and tried to pull it out of me. /Perhaps it is the sedatives wearing off?/, I thought to myself. I looked up at Rachet and slowly shook my head. ''N.. no.. I can't remember. I just feel. In pain. Horrible. What happened Rachet? Why did I suddenly end up like this? Last thing I remember was looking in the mirror at myself and my new form.''

Rachet closed his optics and ex-vented heavily. ''You don't remember anything from between looking in the mirror and just now when you woke up?''

I paused a moment searching my processor. Flashes of emotion pass through me. A wave of deep sadness, anger, grief. I knitted my optical ridge in confusion. ''I feel all of these emotions passing through me, but I cannot recall the cause of them.'' I felt anger and irritation rising in me. ''Rachet, what on Earth happened to me! Why can't I remember? Is something wrong with me?'' I looked at him pleadingly, begging for an answer to the puzzle that seemed to be ''me''.

Rachet released his servos from my shoulders, sat back and rubbed his optical ridge in a very human like manner before sending a sad smile towards me. ''OC, it would seem you have suffered some type of ''Post traumatic amnesia'' brought on by experiencing a traumatic event. Your mind, in an effort to cope with and protect itself and you from the ''event'', has effectively tried to ''dissociate'' that memory from your experience.'' Rachet must have seen the increasingly horrified expression on my faceplates as he continued, ''It is perfectly natural and may only last a few hours, days or weeks. The chance of it being more permanent is rare.''

''Oh goody!'' I couldn't help the sarcasm from tainting my comment. ''Well,'' I addressed Rachet again, ''YOU might be able to tell me what happened to fill in the pieces and jog my memory, you were obviously here when it happened!''

Rachet sighed again. ''OC, I can indeed tell you what happened, but I am concerned that it may just trigger another episode. The fact you have developed some sort of amnesia as a result of the stress and trauma brought on by experiencing this event does not bode well for you hearing it a second time!'' he tried to reason.

''So what? I just have to stay latched to this berth until I remember the event, freak the fuck out and then calm the fuck down again? Oh, that is a brilliant plan Rachet!'' I was starting to lose it and began to fight against my restraints again.

Rachet placed his servos on my shoulders again before more forcefully getting my attention, 'OC! That is enough. STOP IT!'' He glared at me. I stilled. ''OC. I will tell you what happened, despite my misgivings, only because I have some new information that I believe may help the ''traumatic news'' become more palatable. You have to PROMISE me that you will hear me out all the way to the end of what I have to say before you react. If for one minute I think you are about to become dangerous I WILL sedate you again. Is that understood and agreeable?''

I thought for a moment before nodding slowly. ''Yes Rachet, I agree to those terms. Tell me what happened that made me so… upset?'' A thought skittered across my processor and I stopped for a moment and looked around me. ''Say Rachet? Where is Prime? I haven't seen him for a while, do you know where he is? I really want to see him, I miss him.'' I fixed him with a concerned and slightly quizzical gaze.

Rachet looked at me with such compassion, kindness and sorrow before speaking softly, ''OC. There is a reason for that.'' He sighed. ''OC after you touched the shard and become very ill, eventually transforming into your current form, Prime, who had stayed by your side the whole time, was called away to Philadelphia to watch over Sam as he had also touched the Allspark. Do you remember that?''

I nodded.

''Good. Well, while he was there the Decepticons who stole the other shard from here, had used it to bring Megatron back from the dead.'' I flinched and gasped in shock. ''I know, OC, I know.'' He fixed me with a deadly serious stare. ''OC, the part I am about to tell you is what set off your reaction and traumatised you to this point. Before I say it remember your promise to hear me through and know that there is some good news to add since I last told you this. Some light to try and banish the darkness from closing in. Please remember that.'' Rachet cycled deeply. ''OC, Megatron and some of his minions kidnapped Sam and were going to torture him. Prime, he rescued him but in doing so, he was involved in a massive battle.''

My processor flashed a memory quickly, /''NO…NO…NO… NOT AGAIN… I CAN'T LOSE HIM TOO''/. My ''breath'' hitched and began to cycle air furiously as the mental wall came tumbling down even as Rachet spoke.

''OC, Prime was killed in battle.''

I closed my optics as the memories came flooding back into my processor. I screamed out loud and bucked up against my restraints. ''NO! NO! RACHET NO! NOT THAT.. PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT! I began to scream. I twist and turned trying to tear loose of my bonds.

Rachet reflexively grabbed both of my shoulders and pinned me down hard before he continued on, all but yelling in my face. ''OC! THEY HAVE FOUND A WAY TO BRING HIM BACK. THE MATRIX OF LEADERSHIP. SAM, HE IS GOING TO USE IT TO BRING OPTIMUS BACK. THEY ARE ON THERE WAY TO DO IT RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK….. OC… LISTEN TO ME…''

When I continued to twist and turn and scream, Rachet grabbed my face in a vice like grip and brought my face to within an inch of his yelling, ''OC! LISTEN, THEY CAN SAVE HIM, THEY CAN BRING HIM BACK. HE WILL LIVE AGAIN! STOP!''

Somehow the words ''save'' and ''live again'' crashed through my barriers and helped to still my actions. I froze. My optics widened.

Rachet maintained his vice like grip on my face and lowered his voice slightly. ''GOOD. LISTEN. IT WILL BE OKAY. OC… CALM… FOCUS… THEY CAN SAVE HIM.. ALL WILL BE WELL… SHHH.'' As my body began to go limp from shock and relief, I was vaguely aware of Rachet stroking the side of my face as you would a frightened child or sparkling.

I cycled air and ex-vented deeply trying to calm myself. The news Rachet had just given me both destroyed me and saved me. It tore me apart and built me back up again. I shook with the depth of emotions coursing through my frame. ''Rachet. Is… is it true? Are you sure? Do NOT lie to me, not about this!'' My optics searched his for any trace of a lie.

Rachet gently released my face but his optics never left mine. ''OC, I believe it to be true with all of my spark. Optimus will live again. But you have to fight the darkness. You cannot let it consume you. You are stronger than you know. You must fight it -for Prime!''

I closed my optics and allowed all of my emotions to wash over me and crash through me like a swirling torrent that races down a riverbed after a storm. Pain, fear, anger, grief, desolation, hope, joy….. love. I let them swirl around within me; claw at me, soothe me, burn me, heal me. I felt my servos clench and unclench by my sides. /I WILL fight this. I will NOT lose myself to this. I will NOT. For Prime/.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I felt my servos relax. My processor slowed and began to clear from its irrational, foggy and desolate thoughts. My spark began to slow from its rapid and erratic flight and pulse in a steady rhythm. I felt calm descend upon me. I opened my optics to find Rachet staring at me, a small grin on his face.

''What Rachet? What is it?'' I asked slightly perplexed.

''You OC. You never cease to amaze me.'' He reached out and patted my shoulder. ''you're going to be okay.''

I snorted, ''I hope so.''

''I know so,'' he countered. ''Now, do you feel as though I can release you from your bonds? Do you feel in control of your emotions enough to be able to be freed?''

I thought a moment and ''sighed''. ''Rachet, I cannot be entirely certain, but you have my word that I shall try.''

''That OC, is good enough for me,'' Rachet leaned over and undid the locks on the restraints. I lay there for a moment taking everything in before I sat up slowly. After a moment I noticed something. There were two huge holes in the walls of the Med Bay.

''Ah Rachet, what happened here?'' I asked concerned.

''YOU did OC. You, remodeled the place after you found out..'' Rachet's voice trailed off not wanting to bring the topic up again.

I ducked my helm. ''Rachet! I am so sorry!'' My helm snapped back up to him and worried optics took him in. ''Did I hurt you?''

Rachet laughed, ''Nothing I haven't already had happen to me OC. I'll live. It's okay. We can fix all of it.''

''I truly am sorry Rachet. I would never hurt you on purpose.'' I felt deeply embarrassed by my actions.

''OC, honestly, I know that. It is okay. Please, forget it.'' He patted my shoulder again. ''Now come on, I think we have both earned a little walk outside. Perhaps we can go and sit on your beach and just listen to the ocean,'' Rachet paused a moment, ''unless that would be too painful for you?''

I stilled for a moment considering the suggestion. ''If what you said is true Rachet, if there is hope, then I can see no harm in visiting our beach. I have missed it.'' Rachet smiled and offered me a servo to help stand to my pedes. I gratefully accepted.

We walked in companionable silence, Rachet supporting me as I adapted to my new form. After a few minutes we found a spot on the grass to sit. We both sat quietly, each caught up in our own thoughts and reflections. ''Rachet?'' It was a soft and tentative query.

Rachet turned his helm, ''Yes OC?''

''Thank you,'' I leaned against him, desperate for some kind of touch, /perhaps a remnant of my ''humanness''?/.

At first Rachet sat rigidly still as if some horrifying thing had just curled up in his lap, but after a moment he relaxed and seemed to almost lean back into the contact. ''OC, you are most welcome.''

''You saved my life countless times; you threw me a lifeline when I was drowning.'' I sat up slightly and raised an optical ridge at him, ''you know, you really aren't half as bad tempered and crotchety as the Autobots make you out to be.'' A small smile spread across my dermas.

Rachet frowned and snorted, ''I am indeed! I will happily throw a spanner at you OC to prove a point.'' For a moment, my smile stilled before I noticed the corners of his dermas twitch up as he tried to contain his own smile. I burst out laughing, Rachet soon joining me. It felt somewhat strange but good to laugh, Primus knows we both needed it.

After a moment the laughter subsided, and we sat quietly again. The Sunday evening shadows were growing longer, and the light was fading from the sky. ''Rachet?'' another tentative question.

''Yes OC?'' Rachet didn't even turn to face me this time, just sat there his optics slightly closed.

''When was the last time you recharged?'' I turned interrogative optics on him.

Rachet furrowed his optical ridge in thought. ''OC, I do not honestly know. Possibly not since last Wednesday when you arrived back here, but I cannot be sure. I have lost track of time. Why do you ask?'' He turned to face me.

I raised an optical ridge. ''Oh nothing, just that you seem to be falling into recharge and I know how much ''drama'' has taken place in the last few days and having some idea of the dedicated medic you are, I would hazard a guess you would put your own needs well below that of your patient's.''

Rachet gave a self-depreciating snort. ''I'm fine OC.''

''Well, I disagree but I won't argue with you.'' The evening stars were starting to appear in the night sky. I laid back on the ground and used my arms as ''pillows''. ''Why don't you join me for some good ol' star gazing? Prime and I loved doing this...'' My voice trailed off slightly.

To my great surprise Rachet reclined back on the grassy field beside me and followed suit with his arms. He ex-vented deeply after a moment. ''Actually OC, this is quite pleasant. I can see why you both enjoy coming out here.'' He gave a small laugh. ''I might actually have to steal this spot for myself or at the very least join you.''

I dug one of my elbows into his shoulder playfully, ''Hey old timer, I called dibs! You are welcome to join us but hands off,'' I gave a soft laugh and replaced my arms under my helm.

Rachet sputtered fake indignation, ''Old timer! That's gratitude for you after I just saved your life several times. No respect these young whipper snappers.'' I could hear the mirth in his tone.

''Gees Rachet, how long are we going to be peddling that story ''I saved your life?'' I allowed another laugh to bubble forth. This was cleansing – for both of us. A moment of calm and good-natured fun in the eye of a storm we had both weathered.

''A while! Given I am already over 9 million years old, you do the math OC,'' Rachet fell silent then. We both just laid there gazing into the inky darkness as a billion pinpricks of light illuminated nature's heavenly canvass.

After some time, I heard Rachet's systems power down and his pale blue optics fluttered closed. He was in recharge. I let a smile tug on my dermas. I laid there in silence, unwilling to do anything to disturb my friend who desperately needed this rest.

/My turn to watch over you Rachet, sleep well my friend/. I continued to gaze into the heavens. All at once a brilliant shooting star blazed across the sky. I closed my optics and made my spark's deepest wish. If there was ever a time I wanted a dream to come true – this was it. /PLEASE – Primus, God, anyone! Hear me tonight and grant my wish/.

I opened my optics again and continued to gaze into the night sky, imagining a pair of kind, wise and intense azure optics staring back into mine.