In an effort to extinguish the fury that pulsed like poison in my veins, I spent some time sparring against makeshift dummies in my old training area and only ceased attacking once I felt that I was able to interpret my thoughts without the heavy fog that had smothered them immediately after the meeting. Due to Kane's interruption of my plans and the following exertion that I required in order to regain control, I finally arrived at the dorms later in the day than intended and as a result found them empty. The next destination that I theorised Monty and Jasper would likely be was the mechanical unit and I wandered there hopefully. Instead of discovering their welcoming faces, they seemed to be absent from their posts too and as I returned to the exit, I was distracted by a familiar, timid face.
"Indie, you came home!" Knox's goofy smile was contagious as I paused to greet him and he practically buzzed with anticipation at the sight of me. The last of the anger that hovered in the back of my mind fizzled away and I was calmed by the warmth of his reaction. Though we hadn't spent an enormous amount of time together, it was abundantly clear that Knox was alarmingly invested in our relationship and I was beginning to suspect that he was lonely. Unlike Bellamy, I knew that his intentions were entirely innocent and felt that he viewed me similarly to an older sibling, rather than as a desired romantic interest.
"Hey bud. Of course I did! I told you I'd be coming back." I remarked as I placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled fondly back at him. I'd never asked his age, but from his appearance I knew that he couldn't be older than fifteen and was impressed at his resilience to remain positive at such a young age. There was something unnerving about his admiration of me and I felt the pressure to provide a suitable example for him.
"You look like you had a hard time. Hope it was worth it?" He enquired, his face falling slightly as he examined the colourful display of bruises on my skin and I nodded in response to his question. "Well, that's good at least. I'm glad that you're back. It's been dull without you around." He added with his usual chipper tone as he returned to fiddling with something on the desk and I smiled at his compliment.
"Thanks. It's good to be back." I muttered, glancing around the space and noticing that it seemed remarkably empty. From my limited time assisting here, I was sure that Knox was the most committed person on the team and it seemed that he was unfairly pressured with responsibility, especially for his age. "How are all my mechanical boys doing? Haven't been able to find the troublesome pair at all." I probed in as casual a manner as I could manage and I noticed that Knox seemed uncomfortable at even the mention of the other two. Nerves flooded through me, as I observed him growing clumsier in his movements and felt anxiety pooling in my stomach.
"I haven't seen Jasper in awhile. I think he was due to work this morning, but that doesn't really mean that he'll turn up, you know?" He explained with an awkward shrug and I grimaced at this disappointing discovery. When I left, Jasper seemed to be improving somewhat, as he finally returned to working and in spite of his occasional drunken meltdown, it was my hope that he had continued to recover whilst I was away. I felt my face contort into a scowl as I absorbed this information and had to force myself to relax in order to ensure that I did not intimidate my young friend. "And Monty is due for a shift this afternoon, but I'd heard that there might be a patrol planned for today, so I don't know if they'll need him." He added, impressing me with his awareness of camp activity that far surpassed even my own and I wondered why Bellamy hadn't mentioned the patrol to me earlier. Knox continued to seem uncomfortable and I pushed this thought aside to remain focused on him.
"Well, if you need anyone to cover for him later on, I'm free to irritate and mess things up." I teased with a wink and although he attempted to smile in response, I noticed that it didn't reach his eyes. I reflected on his comments about Monty and Jasper, and cleared my throat to address my concerns. "Still having problems reconnecting with the boys, huh?" I enquired with a sympathetic expression and he simply shrugged back at me avoidantly. A deep sigh escaped my lips and I settled into a seat beside him to investigate whether there was any action that I could contribute to help the situation.
"Monty's been around sometimes, but he's busy with Jasper a lot. And I can't even speak to Jasper. He's going through so much." He muttered guilty and I nodded slowly in understanding. Knox fidgeted, before gradually bringing his gaze to me and I recognised from the intensity of his eyes that he was preparing himself for something serious. "I want to join the guard group. Do you...do you think you could speak to Bellamy for me?" He asked in a nervous voice and I felt myself straighten up involuntarily. My eyes grew wide and I struggled to form any words. Knox continued to wait patiently for an answer, his eyes full of hope and I squirmed with distress. It was imperative that I didn't cause him to suspect that I doubted him, but I was instinctively against this plan from the moment that he suggested it and strained to form an excuse that could prevent him from commiting to this path.
"Knox, why would you want to do that?" I questioned in a tone that was surprisingly calm and he chewed on his lip in a manner that hinted he was conflicted on whether to be truthful. In the few moments of thoughtful silence that passed, an image of Knox in an oversized guard uniform, holding a gun that was entirely too large for his slender body, filled my mind and I had to physically shake my head to remove it.
"You've all done so much, survived through nightmare situations. I need to help too." He grumbled and I was taken aback by this reasoning. It had never crossed my mind that he might feel inferior compared to those of us who were sent to Earth and with a surge of guilt, I realised that my description of the events that we had endured may have contributed to this crisis. My instincts sensed that this was a deeper issue than he had admitted as yet and I leaned down slightly to meet his eyes.
"You're already helping. You carry most of the work in mechanical. You train new people and you're the only person that can even understand Wick's insane ideas, let alone assist in bringing them to life. Why do you think that you need to do more than that?" I investigated as I examined him closely in an effort to understand what had changed since I saw him last and he squirmed under my scrutiny. I wondered if someone had said something that had warped the stories I'd told him into this insecurity and the very idea set a fire in my chest.
"Because mechanics isn't enough to keep me alive." He admitted in a mousy voice and I felt my eyes widen in horror at his confession. "My parents died in the landing, so I have to look after myself now. I can't fight, I don't know how to use a gun, I'm weak. You said yourself that the ground is full of horrors. I can't expect other people to protect me. I need to get stronger and then I can help Monty too. Him and Jasper are all I have left, I need to support them. Do you understand that?" He posed the question to me with more passion than I had ever seen from him and I was stunned as our similarities struck me. I had never noticed until now, but behind the timid attitude burned the same determined fire that motivated me. I sighed reluctantly as I tried to conceive a compromise to delay his request whilst I thought of another plan that was less dangerous.
"Alright. I can't recommend you for guard duty yet. Even if I could convince Bellamy, Kane would never allow it." I answered, watching as his shoulders dropped and his expression revealed his disappointment. "The best that I can offer is to ask Bel to give you some private training, to boost your confidence in yourself. How does that sound?" I suggested, as a knot formed in my chest and only released when a keen smile filled his face as he nodded in acceptance. In all honesty, I was still uncomfortable with even this idea but the sensible section of my brain agreed that some combat training would be beneficial in the unpredictable environment that we lived in.
"Thanks Indie. You're the best." He commented as I rolled my eyes at him in a dramatic manner and tried not to allow my inner turmoil to infect the atmosphere around us. He stood to collect some additional tools from another room, leaving me alone in the hauntingly empty corner of the building. Hurried footsteps caught my attention and I turned to see Monty over my shoulder. His eyes lit up as he noticed me and I jumped to my feet in perfect sync with his sweeping embrace as he reached me. The hug was longer than usual, but I didn't rush him away, simply allowing him all of the comfort that he needed. When he finally did extract himself, his eyes roamed over my face with concern.
"Well, this is a version of you that I haven't seen in a while." He remarked with a slight smile in the corners of his lips and I shook my head. Though his voice was humorous, it was clear that my appearance bothered him and there was the slightest hint of protectiveness hidden behind his playful mask.
"Everyone has said that. It's almost as if I spent all of my time at the old camp totally black and blue." I drawled with an exasperated expression and was glad to be able to share light conversation, especially when it was obvious that he was stressed. His words made me realise how well adapted most of the 100 had become to our new home, no longer finding ourselves constantly injured or straining to tear apart scrapping members of camp. The presence of the adults had changed the dynamics of our group for the better, but I worried that we may have become overly comfortable with containing our loved ones in the safety of the camp.
"Indie, I have never known anyone to have black eyes as often as you. I'm starting to suspect that it's a lifestyle choice." He teased with a certain hollowness in the authenticity of his light tone and I punched him gently on the arm in offence in an effort to play along. "Have you been back long?" He asked as he relaxed into the conversation and seemed to have adapted to my battered state.
"Only a day or so. Bellamy has been keeping me busy." I sighed casually, without overly considering my words and as soon as Monty's face fell into a smirk, I knew that I had made an error. This time, the mischief that glinted in his eyes felt genuine and instead of feeling embarrassed by his mockery, there was a strange sense of sentimentality that hung in the air between us.
"Oh I bet he has." He crooned, a sly wink only further exaggerating his implications and I rolled my eyes at him as I battled to contain a snort of laughter.
"You and your filthy mind! He had me occupied with assisting to teach his new guard recruits, so this is my first day off." I recounted and although his brows shot up at my mention of training, he withheld the selection of undoubtedly suggestive comments that ran through his mind. Mostly, I was surprised to find that Raven hadn't filled him in on the details of the session, having practically laughed most of the way through it and generally treated it as a form of fascinating entertainment rather than a serious opportunity to learn.
"And you're spending it in mechanical?" He quizzed with a brow crooked in an equal mixture of suspicion and judgement, and I shook my head at him with a low chuckle under my breath.
"No, obviously not. I'm home for a break, thank you. I'm catching up with Knox and I was looking for you and Jasper actually. I tried your dorms earlier but I must've missed you." I explained and noticed that his smile dropped at the mention of Jasper, just as Knox has earlier. At his similar reaction, my anxiety grew and I found myself terrified that they were jointly hiding some catastrophic event from me. "Knox mentioned that he wasn't doing so well lately. Has he been giving you trouble again?" I sighed with a heavy feeling in my chest and as he met my eyes, I noticed an exhaustion that seemed overpowering, even from the outside.
"You could say that. I was called to a guard briefing this morning, so I couldn't make sure that he came to his shift. He was still in bed with a serious hangover when I got back. I just don't know what else to do with him, Indie." He described in an overworked grumble and I studied him sympathetically. I couldn't deny that I felt immensely guilty for leaving him to deal with this alone and knew that I had to take some of the burden from him, whilst I was here to do so.
"Where is he now?" I enquired as I planned to remind him of my previous demands that he behave more reasonably with Monty, but his nonchalant shrug halted these plans in motion.
"I have no idea. He stormed out when I woke him up. I spent a while looking for him in camp, but I didn't want to be late to my shift, especially after he skipped his. He disappears so often, I figured this time I'd let him turn up in his own time." He expressed bitterly and I furrowed my brows with concern.
I opened my mouth to suggest that I take responsibility for finding our troublesome friend this time, when a set of uneven, heavy steps carried from the entrance. Jasper barrelled through in a determined stomp, barging Monty with his shoulder as he passed, only to pause a few steps later to fix me with an unimpressed scowl. I stared back at him blankly and he turned his lazy attention to Monty.
"Careful Monty, don't get too comfortable with this one. She'll abandon you again in no time." He drawled in a nasty jab, before returning his gaze to me and thinning his eyes accusingly. "You just can't run away from here fast enough, can you? Just like Clarke." He spat in a deep, spiteful tone and I felt myself freeze in shock at the unexpected malice that he addressed me with. My mind failed to form any words in response to his unprompted attack and as he began stumbling around the room, Monty stepped close to me protectively.
"You take that back. She's nothing like Clarke and you know it." Monty ordered with a firmness that was unusual on him and Jasper simply rolled his eyes at him in displeasure. The demeanour that he displayed as he glanced between us was if he were the most dull interaction he'd ever had the displeasure of becoming involved in and he grimaced at the idea of continuing to speak with us.
"Right. You just keep telling yourself that. I mean, it's not like she encouraged us all to depend on her, then ran off to live in the woods, right? Or chose the grounders over her own people. She's practically a saint. It must be a huge relief that she's here for Bellamy. After all, he really needs someone to replace his previous princess." He hissed as he rummaged through cupboards aggressively and I felt a lump rising in my throat. Though I strained to contain my hurt, it tore through my chest like a grenade and despite my best efforts to swallow it down, my body trembled all over.
"That's enough! Indie has done nothing but protect and support you. If you want to be a bitter asshole, you can do it alone. She doesn't deserve your shit." Monty yelled as the last of his patience fizzled away before my eyes and I flinched at his sudden outburst. When I glanced back at Jasper, he barely seemed to have reacted at all and I was stunned by his indifference to us.
"I think you'll find that she told me if I wanted to attack someone, that I should attack her because she could handle it. So, cheers." He held up a flask that he had discovered in his search and took a long sip. He wobbled on the spot as he struggled to remain balanced and fastened the lid, before waving the flask at us in an arrogant gesture. "Only came for this anyway. She'll be gone so soon that when I wake up from this, I probably won't even remember she visited. Mark my words. Don't be a sucker, Monty." He emphasised as he began his unsteady exit and without warning, Monty caught his jacket to hold him in place near the doors with a furious grip.
"Hey, we've got patrol later and you're scheduled for it. Don't you think you've drank your way through enough commitments today already?" He accused, shaking him by his collar with one hand and snatching for the flask with the other. Somehow, despite his intoxication, Jasper was still faster than his sober counterpart and rapidly pulled himself from the hold with it still tightly clamped in his hand.
"Sure. It'll be a party. See you there." He slurred, before making a speedy departure that more closely resembled falling down the ramp than walking. The moment that we were alone, Monty turned to face me with a remorseful expression.
"Indie, I'm so sorry. I wanted to keep him away from you-" He began, but I sharply cut him off as I held my hands up with a forced smile.
"It's okay. It's not your fault. You're not responsible for his behaviour. I'm alright, really. You'd better get to your shift and I'll catch up with you later." I blurted as I drained the last of my energy to retain my composure and rushed outside before it cracked into pieces. My feet crunched loudly on the ground as I marched forward, biting my lip to contain the wave of emotions that were barely under my control until I found a part of camp that I could be alone and immediately crumpled to the ground.
My knees came up to my chest and hot tears burned my eyes as they tracked their path down my cheeks. Ragged breaths rocked me from the distress as all of my feelings poured out and despite all of my training, I was no longer able to maintain my even exterior. Jasper's words rang around in my mind, causing a crushing guilt to ache in my heart, alongside a vile anger at Kane's attitude in referencing my past. The conflicting emotions waged war in my mind and my body trembled from the strain. In this moment, I felt an immense clarity in acknowledging that I needed to return to Arlo and my resolution to become unbreakable became concrete in my soul. As the last of my tears were slowly spent, I dried my face and dragged myself back to my feet. It was exhausting even attempting to raise the strong facade again, but the promise of time with Bellamy to recharge me later on helped to keep me together.
Once in the courtyard, I caught sight of his scruffy locks towering over everyone else and seized the opportunity to grab him whilst I could. He stood with his back to me, staring at a map intensely and I tapped him on the shoulder with my best attempt at a smile.
"Hey, you. Monty mentioned patrol today. Are you heading out with them?" I enquired in what I hoped was a successfully casual tone and he glanced down at me with a relieved smile. He nodded in response and I felt my expression crumble slightly into a sulky pout. "Why didn't you tell me?" I probed as I subconsciously crossed my arms accusingly and he cocked a brow at me in interest.
"I was so distracted with you that it slipped my mind." He crooned with a wink and I sighed in annoyance. It was difficult to not feel hurt by his failure to inform me of his plans to leave camp, whether intentional or not and I had to remind myself that he didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of my storm of emotions from the day. He placed down the map to face me fully and his hands landed on my hips to close the space between us. "It's only a short one. We've got these down to a routine now, Love. I'll still be back early enough to catch up." He excused as he attempted to placate me and I sighed with exhaustion. "Don't worry, I wouldn't miss your time in camp." He clarified with a doting expression and my shoulders gradually dropped their tension as I melted under his charm. I released my arms from their defensive posture and instead began to knit my hands together worriedly.
"Well, just as a heads up, Jasper isn't exactly in the most healthy state and he's made it pretty clear that he's not interested in any assistance from me. If you're still planning on taking him with you, you might want to factor in some time to make sure he's fit for duty." I explained as evenly as possible, careful not to allow any bitterness to slip into my words and I noticed that his brows furrowed together in annoyance. He fidgeted on the spot with frustrated energy and I wondered how often this had happened whilst I was gone.
"We're leaving soon, so that doesn't give me much time." He growled in irritation and this only further increased my suspicion that this had become somewhat of a routine recently. "Hang on, did you say that he doesn't want you? Did something happen?" His voice grew intense as his focus settled on me and I nodded back slowly, unwilling to lie. As my reaction registered with him, anger flashed in his eyes before he could cover it. He sighed deeply as he assessed me and rubbed at his forehead in a gesture of stress. "Alright, we'll unpack that later. Until then, don't let him get to you. See you when we get back." He commented, clearly making a significant effort to soften his voice as he addressed me and leant forward to place a gentle, reassuring kiss on my forehead before he strode away.
For a while, I felt lost as I plodded around camp aimlessly, lost in thought. I found myself at a quiet vantage point at the edge of our territory, overlooking the surrounding forest and settled into a comfortable position in the grass. The breeze lapped through the branches before reaching me to tousle my hair, which still felt strange loose and a part of me longed to return to life in the wild. Since my training, the camp felt crowded and complicated with drama. It was still pleasant to return to the people that I loved and the comfort of soft beds, but the contrast was overwhelming and I had to admit that I had adapted to the quiet of the woods.
A branch crunched underfoot to my side, but I remained still as I easily identified the movements. Lincoln silently settled by my side to watch the bright sky's colourful performance as the sun began to set and there was a feeling of serenity that was tangible between us. I was unsure of how much time passed in a wordless contentment, before Lincoln finally addressed me.
"You look different." He commented in his generally calm manner and I simply hummed inquisitively in response. "It's your eyes. They have a new perspective." He confirmed and I smiled, feeling pleased with the earnest praise. "You'll do well with Arlo. Indra chose well for you." He added reflectively and I slowly turned my gaze to examine him. Just as I had done moments before, he was staring into the trees with a longing in his eyes and I wondered if the forest called to all grounders as it did to me.
"You know Arlo too?" I enquired with curiosity seeping into my features and I was excited by the opportunity to learn more of my mysterious teacher. Lincoln viewed me with an inscrutable expression, guarded against my analysis and I waited patiently for him to decide whether I was ready for the truth. Birdsong filled the air and leaves blew past us, and after a while, I began to thread lazy plaits into my long locks. Without even addressing any of the events of the day, Lincoln had been able to encourage me to return from the brink by simply remaining by my side. He shared his natural peace with me and resolved not to pressure him, confident in the instinct that he would not divulge any details unless he felt it appropriate.
"Yes." He muttered, pulling me from my thoughts and I dropped the braids to tilt my head at him in interest. It was subtle, but I recognised the slightest hint of pride in his eyes and I suspected that my respectful behaviour had convinced him of my growth. "As you know, I often separated myself from my clan and preferred a solitary existence. Outsiders tend to cross paths." He offered only a confirmation of what was already obvious and I nodded keenly as I practically pleaded for more with my eyes. He allowed a few moments of tense silence to pass, another silent test of my self control, before he granted my request. "She is wise beyond her years and loyal to the bone. She has learned from her past and grown stronger for it. Now, she serves the Commander as penance for her sins. You are well matched." He revealed and I felt my eyes widen at his words.
"What sins?" I interrogated with blatant fascination pouring off me in waves and Lincoln's face grew firmer in response to my enthusiasm. In my gut, I knew that I had made an error in questioning him and chewed on my lip nervously as I awaited the outcome of my nosiness.
"Her past is not my lesson to teach you. When you are worthy of the truth, it will be given. Not before." He stated in a serious tone and feeling scolded, I shuffled my position before returning my attention to the trees. Lincoln was not the type to lecture, but rather to inspire you to reflect on yourself and I quickly understand that prying on something so personal was disrespectful to them. It was a well considered method of teaching, as the way that I felt about this mistake would be far longer lasting than simply telling me not to behave in such a way.
We sat in reflective silence for a while longer, whilst he allowed me the chance to analyse the conversation for myself and I knew that he could sense my distress. After some time of allowing my emotions to simmer, I finally felt in control enough to extend my attention to Lincoln and became aware that something felt different to usual in him. I examined him with concern, but did not question him, instead allowing him to decide whether to confide in me.
"Your people waver on the brink of crisis. They are oblivious to the risks of disrespecting the Commander and our people. Their greed and ambition blinds them." He divulged an insightful assessment of our society and I scoffed quietly in disbelief.
"It's honestly intimidating how quickly you've got the measure of them. On the Ark, they would preach about thinking as a people, making decisions that would be beneficial for all and being sensible with resources, whilst simultaneously crushing the disadvantaged and any who stood against them. Respect is a new concept for them to learn." I answered with contempt heavy in my tone and when he met my eyes, I found that he reflected an understanding that was consistent and reliable.
"They claim to desire an alliance. I have witnessed their efforts to adapt to our ways, but they lack an understanding of our history. The mountain is a place of great suffering and death, and the elders of our people consider it cursed. If we continue to venture there for supplies, there will be consequences." He advised and I absorbed his words with a feeling of gravity. Kane's offer repeated in my mind despite my insistence to push them away and as they combined with Lincoln's fears, I felt pressured to assist in the solution. "Chaos can take root from damaged people and those here have endured countless hardships. We must be cautious in our choices and each follow our own path. They must each heal themselves." He added with a tangible sense of wisdom and I knew that he had sensed my upset.
"I can't fix them, that's what you're saying?" I answered stubbornly with my jaw clenched and I felt him studying me from my side. "I know that, but I can try to help. For my own peace of mind, if nothing else." I stated defensively and turned my attention away from him in an effort to avoid his judgement.
"You still have much to learn, Indigo. Do not set yourself alight to keep others warm." He remarked insightfully and I reflected over his statement as we silently watched the sunset together.
