Episode 43 - (Buildup to a) Rumble in the Geofront

The moment Gutierrez issued his orders, the SEELE plant within the Japanese government-which turned out to be the Deputy Prime Minister-excused himself from the meeting currently going on between Kaji, the Prime Minister and her staff, and proceeded to head towards his office. Kaji, thinking the timing was just a tad too suspicious, quietly sent Freakazoid a warning text.

NERV HQ, the bridge, that very moment...

Freakazoid felt his phone vibrate and quickly fished his phone out of his pocket. On the screen was a single text:

DEPUTY PM'S A PLANT.
HEADING TO ACTIVATE THE JSSDF RIGHT NOW.

"Just got word from Kaji," Freakazoid said to the others. "Sounds like the SEELE mole is the Deputy Prime Minister, and he's been given the cue to send in the troops! Luckily, we were prepared for that too." He then nodded to Freakazette, who then got her own phone out and quickly dialed a number.

"Naoko, you linked up to the Freak-a-puter?" Freakazoid asked.

"I'm linked," the digitized scientist replied. "Preparing to intercept Deputy PM's call."

"What're you going to do?" Misato asked.

Freakazette, waiting for the other line to pick up, answered her. "Remember when we said we had plans for the Rei clones?"

"Well, yes, why do you ask?" Ritsuko posed. In fact, she'd been extremely curious as to what the Freaks were going to do with the clones for days.

"Well, after you guys went back up top," Freakazette casually began to explain, "me and Freakazoid got them out of the tank, took them to Lilith, and had her bestow upon them the gift of sentience and individuality."

Hearing this made Gendo's jaw drop in utter shock.

"After that, we enrolled them in a crash course on over-the-phone customer service skills," Freakazoid added. "All of them passed with high marks, of course. Now we're gonna put their newly-taught skillset to the test!"

The other line on Freakazette's phone answered. "This is it, girls-knock 'em dead!" she said with encouragement before hanging up.

Office of the Deputy Prime Minister, a minute later...

The Deputy Prime Minister had just gotten to his office and immediately went to pick up the phone. He then dialed a number, unaware that Naoko had tapped his phone line and was now redirecting the call to a new destination. The unknowing Deputy PM listened as someone on the other line answered.

"This is Deputy Prime Minister Tsuchiya," he started to say, "I have urgent orders for the JSSDF command."

"Good evening, you've reached customer service, my name is is Kimiko, how can I assist you today?" a sweet, young female voice asked in turn.

A look of confusion appeared on the Deputy PM's face as soon as he heard that. "Excuse me?"

"Do you have any general inquiries, sir, or would you prefer to speak to a manager?" the voice further asked, revealed to us as belonging to a Rei clone seated at a desk, wearing a headset with a cute look on her face.

"Um...My apologies, wrong number," the Deputy PM said as he hung the phone up before picking it back up and dialing again.

"Customer service, this is Yumi speaking, how can I assist you this evening?" a Valley girl-like voice answered on the other line. The voice belonged to another Rei clone, who was sitting at her desk in a more laid-back manner as she filed her nails. "While I'm at it, can I, like, interest you in a turquoise necklace with 14-karat plated gold trim, perhaps for the missus? It's one of our top sellers this week!"

The Deputy PM grew even more confounded. "Er, my mistake, our lines must have gotten crossed." He then hung the phone up again and then picked back up before proceeding to dial again. Yet again, the voice that answered him wasn't any secretary for the JSSDF command staff.

"It is a beautiful Wednesday evening, this is Akiko, how can I be at your service today?" a prim-and-proper-sounding young woman's voice asked. The voice belonged to yet another Rei clone, sitting upright at her desk with her fingers interwoven. "Before I go any further, I would like to inform you that there is a short 5-minute survey before the end of this call-"

The Deputy PM quickly hung up before she could finish her statement, a look of panic beginning to appear on his face. He then proceeded to dial again, and again, and again, and again, but was met with similar unexpected, unexplained responses:

"Customer service, you've reached Aiko, how can help you today?"

"This is customer service, my name's Kari, what can I do for you?"

"Hi, you've reached customer service, I'm Mariko! Can I help you?"

All of those responses, in turn, were coming from a location unknown to the Deputy PM: the Freakalair's call center, currently staffed by the presently-liberated and individualized Rei clones.

After hanging up for the umpteenth time, the Deputy PM was now in a full-blown panic. He started pacing around his office, ruminating on what to do and how his masters would react if they found out he'd failed to sic the JSSDF on NERV.

"*UGH* Why did I even get myself involved in all this?!" he bemoaned. "I knew I should've turned those SEELE creeps down when I had the-"

His train of thought was cut off when he found that he wasn't alone, as Kaji, the Prime Minister, and her staff were standing right in the doorway to his office. Kaji had a very satisfied grin on his face, while those of the PM and her staff varied between shock and utter disappointment.

"Looks like you've got some explaining to do," Kaji slyly said as he held up his phone, with which he'd been recording the Deputy PM's actions the whole time. The Deputy PM, realizing he'd been found red-handed, hung his head shamefully and sighed, holding his hands out as security cuffed him.

The SEELE council meeting...

Gutierrez tapped his fingers on the right armrest of his chair, and then briefly glanced at his watch.

"Just how long does it take to simply issue fake orders to the JSSDF command?" he asked frustratingly, his patience growing thinner with each passing minute.

"Mr. Chairman," one of the council members began to suggest, "would it not be easier to simply email the command staff directly with spoofed addresses to hide our identities?"

Gutierrez gave that some thought as held his chin briefly before he replied. "You do make a good point," he said before turning his attention to another of his computer programmer flunkies. "Make it so!"

The flunky nodded his head and proceeded to start composing an email designed to look like it came from the office of the Japanese prime minister, and when he was done, promptly sent it off.

NERV HQ, the bridge...

A pinging sounded off from Shigeru's console, which he immediately checked. "Got an incoming email headed for the servers of JSSDF command!"

"And it's been made to look like it came from the Prime Minister's office," Naoko worriedly added.

"Thankfully, we're also prepared for something like that!" Freakazoid said as he quickly dialed a number on his phone. When the other line picked up, he spoke quickly. "It's me-Cyrano's unleashed the Tribbles! Repeat, Cyrano's unleashed the Tribbles!"

Fan Boy's startup, Washington, D.C., at that moment...

Fan Boy nodded as he heard Freakazoid say the coded warning. "I read you, loud and clear!" Fan Boy said before hanging up and facing his entire staff, all seated at their computers. "Ready, everyone?" he asked, and was met with affirmative nods. "Go!"

With that, the staff-having hacked their way into creating a tap into SEELE's network-began typing and coding away as they worked to create a wall in the path of that email. In cyberspace, their efforts paid off when the email crashed into the wall, just before it reached its destination.

"Email intercepted and destroyed!" one of the female staff members confirmed.

"Terrific!" the grinning Fan Boy said, "Oh boy, is this great...!" He then got into a dramatically heroic pose. "Now for phase two!"

His staff then shifted gears and began coding in a new sequence, one that changed the wall in cyberspace into a tunnel, one that would funnel a nasty surprise back to SEELE's servers.

"SPAMMING SPEEEEED!" Fan Boy giddily shouted.

Gutierrez's 'war room', a minute later...

"Sir, we've got a problem!" one of Gutierrez's flunkies said with alarm.

"*Sigh* What is it now?" Gutierrez asked, sounding quite annoyed.

"The email's been destroyed en route, and now our inbox-no wait, our servers, they're being...spammed!"

"Hmm?" Gutierrez then walked over to the tech's station and saw as the inbox was filled with an enormous amount of junk email. He then took a whiff of the smell coming from the console, which turned out to be quite familiar.

"Hormel...hot & spicy flavor, specifically..." Gutierrez said with realization as he clenched his fist while slowly raising it. "There's only one person who'd dare spam me in such a pun-inspired fashion..." His fist then rose above his head. "FREAKAZOID! Through FAN BOY, no doubt!" He then returned to his own console to address the rest of the SEELE council. "Have the Mass Production Evangelions readied for transport and send them to Tokyo-3. In the meantime, it appears we will not be utilizing the JSSDF for this matter-signal all our private military contractors to begin their strike!" He then got up from his desk.

"Where are you going?" a council member asked.

Gutierrez smirked as he replied. "I shall personally oversee the assault on the Geofront myself. After all, no one wants to be labeled an 'armchair general' now, do they?" With that, his hologram blinked out.

The other council members looked at one another, not too surprised by Gutierrez's actions.

"...Keys to my private jet says he completely blows this one," one council member said.

"You're on!" another said in response to the proposed bet.

Tokyo-3, minutes later...

The leader of one of the many SEELE-hired PMC's hung up his satellite phone after being given the go-ahead to storm the Geofront, which he then passed on to the other squad leaders of the initial waves. They soon moved out, whether on foot, APC, or VTOL, heading into either the large hole left by the attack of the 14th Angel or any roadways leading inside that they managed to break open. Their movements weren't lost on our heroes on the bridge.

"Tracking movement in the tunnels and the crater!" Makoto reported as he pulled up camera feeds onto one of the larger screens. Soon they all saw the varying uniforms and logos of each PMC group making their way in.

"Just as I thought," Misato said, her eyes narrowed. "They hired all manner of PMC's just in case they couldn't fool the JSSDF into doing their dirty work."

"Sounds like you've had some experience with these types," Ritsuko noted.

Misato nodded at that. "When I was in the U.N. forces, groups like these were sometimes brought in as additional support to end the fighting quickly in some of the more volatile trouble spots of the world. I even recognize a few of the logos on these guys, seen a lot of them in action as well. Some of the armor vehicles are familiar, too-they look like old surplus from Vukanova's dictatorship days."

"Huh, now there's a name I haven't thought of in a long time," Freakazoid said.

"You've been to Vukanova?" Misato asked curiously.

"For sure!" Freakazoid replied, "I'm the reason Janos Ivenovowels eventually got booted from power! Still, wonder how they got their hands on all that Vukanova surplus..."

"I can answer that, laddie," Roddy replied. "Following his arrest and trial, Ivenovowels managed to escape prison and went underground, becomin' an arms dealer."

"Huh. Fits," Freakazette commented.

"Don't mean to sound impatient, but aren't you guys going to go stop them?" Maya asked warily as she pointed to the screen.

Freakazoid and Freakazette, looking up from their handheld video game consoles, smiled sheepishly as they quickly, nonchalantly tossed them aside.

Can't believe it took hearing it from Maya to get you guys back on track, Kensuke mused with a face-palm.

Well, at least she saved us the effort, Mayumi said as she shook her head.

Suddenly, a new face appeared among them when Boa-Magnon leaped down from the ceiling, surprising everyone.

"Apologies for my tardiness," the mercenary said. "Had to make sure I was well-equipped for the skirmish to come, and I had to help Ja-Burr navigate his way through the air ducts." Just as she said that, the enormous snake in question slithered out of one such duct, further surprising the bridge crew.

Gendo's eyebrows shot up in astonishment. "What are you doing here?!" he asked. "You were hired to capture Freakazoid, not fight alongside him!"

Boa-Magnon glared at Gendo before she replied. "Ah, yes, about that-consider our contract null and void, Ikari." She then turned to Misato. "You must be Major Katsuragi, correct?" She then handed Misato a few papers. "The children's most recent report cards. I must say, they've made quite the improvement since I started teaching them."

Misato did a double-take from Boa to the report cards and back. "Thanks, I think," she said as she stuffed the cards into her jacket pocket. "Unfortunately, now's not really the time."

"All right then, let's move, people!" Freakazoid dramatically exclaimed as he and Freakazette, Boa-Magnon, Ja-Burr, Bo-Ron, and the Lawn Gnomes in tow, sped up to the Geofront's interior, where they'd meet the newly-arrived first wave of PMC's at the gates. Back on the bridge, Misato then made to issue a new command.

"Better send the kids up too, they can disable their armor and VTOLs," Misato said as she tapped her headset. "Guys, we're sending you topside to help Freakazoid and the others. Let them handle the human element, you disable their vehicles."

"Roger!" Shinji, Asuka, Toji, and Rei all replied.

Gendo then chose that moment to speak. "Rei, keep Unit-00 on standby," he commanded, making the others turn to him in surprise.

"What?! Sir, what're you doing?!" Misato asked.

"Major Katsuragi, keep Unit-00 in reserve," Gendo reiterated sternly. "That is a direct order. Understood?"

Misato grumbled to herself before replying. "Yes, sir." She then spoke to the pilots. "Rei, you get all that?"

"Yes, Major," Rei replied. It is just as you figured, Freakazoid, the bluenette thought to herself.

"All right then," Misato started to say, "all other EVAs, launch!"

With that, Units-01 through 03 were then sent up into the Geofront interior, just as Freakazoid and the others reached their own spot. The sight of this startled the PMC squads, who then became confused upon seeing the Freaks, Boa-Magnon and her snake, Bo-Ron, and the Lawn Gnomes. And just when things couldn't get even odder? All of a sudden, everyone on the battlefield heard a new sound:

The sound of a big rig-style truck's horn.

[Suggested music: "Convoy" by C.W. McCall.]

All eyes, either on the field or on the bridge, looked to where the sound was coming from and became utterly surprised by the sight of Bessie Mae (in its flight mode) making its way through the hole in the armor layers, until it came into full view and landed on a patch of grass a few feet from the EVAs. After shifting back into its normal configuration, a number of familiar faces (to Freakazoid and friends) exited Bessie Mae and joined NERV's unusual defenders. Said faces consisted of Longhorn himself; the Huntsman, wearing a more battle-ready version of his costume; Lord Bravery; Vorn the Unspeakable, clad in a set of armor that wouldn't have looked out of place in a Conan the Barbarian movie; and Cave Guy and Cobra Queen, along with the latter's own two giant snakes.

"Looks like we made it just in time," Longhorn said with a grin as he eagerly cracked his knuckles.

Cave Guy and Cobra Queen took a moment to catch up with their daughter. "I definitely didn't have this in mind when planning our next family outing," Cave Guy commented.

"As long as we're together, my love," Cobra Queen replied, "that's the key thing."

"Oh, mum," Boa said with a slightly-embarrassed blush, before the two large snakes slithered up to her; she immediately gave them each a friendly petting. "Ah, Klauvoor, Chrilatta, so good to see you two! Who's been a pair of good snakes? Who's been? You've been, yes you have! Yes you have!"

Observing this from the bridge, it was safe to say that, aside from Roddy, a good number of people were quite stunned and speechless for the moment.

"Is it just me, or does this story just keep getting weirder and weirder?" Ritsuko asked no one in particular, a sweat drop next to her head.

Misato, glancing at her friend for a moment, simply shrugged. "It's definitely not just you," she said before briefly looking in our direction.

To be continued...

**Author's Note(s)**

Here comes the cavalry! Tune in next chapter to where the battle really kicks off!

The deputy prime minister's last name comes from Japanese actor Yoshio Tsuchiya, known for his roles in films such as The Seven Samurai and many an entry in the Godzilla franchise.

The Rei clones' thwarting of the attempt to send in the JSSDF is inspired by a sketch from the Saturday Night Live episode hosted by Donald Glover, where he, Kenan Thompson, and Chris Redd play three prison inmates working in the facility's call center. It's a really hilarious sketch, highly recommended!

Freakazoid's signal to Fan Boy refers to the classic season two Star Trek episode "The Trouble with Tribbles".

Fan Boy, during his scene, utters Flounder's line from the climax of National Lampoon's Animal House, which starred his original voice actor, the late, great Stephen Furst. Animal House is also invoked when Fan Boy paraphrases D-Day's "Ramming speeeeed!" line from that same climax.

The spamming of Gutierrez's servers riffs on the radar jamming gag from Mel Brooks's Spaceballs.

Vukanova was a fictional country that acted as the setting of the first episode of Freakazoid's second season, "Mission: Freakazoid". Janos Ivenovowels was the brutal minister of state security that had the Douglas family (and the mime from Animaniacs) imprisoned while they were touring the country.

As seen in Longhorn's debut episode from season one, his truck Bessie Mae had the ability to assume a flight mode and an undersea mode, allowing it to pursue Freakazoid in the Freakmobile throughout the episode.

I gave Cobra Queen's snakes names in a manner similar to Boa-Magnon's. Klauvoor is named for Klaus Voorhees, the Marvel Comics supervillain (and member of the Serpent Society/Serpent Squad) known as King Cobra. Chrilatta's name is a pun on the late Chris Latta, who among his most famous characters is Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero.