My leg bounced frustratedly as I waited with anxiety rooting in my chest and my grip on the walkie-talkie became unnecessarily firm. I was reluctant to use it, as I knew that doing so in the current circumstance would risk Bellamy being discovered as the thief that stole it, but as the minutes ticked by with no indication of the patrol returning, I was becoming increasingly desperate. The multiple stress inducing events of the day had already stirred my emotions, despite my best efforts at utilising my newly learned techniques to remain in control, and the far longer than expected absence of my anchor had me verging on the edge of a frenzy. Hours had passed since darkness fell and although I'd become more settled with Bellamy's guard role, I was too emotionally exhausted to withstand the terror that I felt tonight.
Pacing wildly in an effort to burn off some of my fearful energy, the door finally opened and Bellamy wandered inside. His manner was so relaxed that it was evident it hadn't even crossed his mind that I might be worried. I whipped around to face him with a mixture of relief and aggravation, and he remained oblivious to my turmoil as he busied himself with placing down his things.
"Hey Love. I got held up with Kane, had some things to report." He called over casually as he slid off his jacket and boots, and I scoffed loudly in disapproval. The sound seemed to suddenly draw his attention and he stopped in his tracks to view me with confusion. "What's wrong, Inds?" He enquired, his brows furrowing together as he neared to examine me and I crossed my arms defensively.
"Of course you were with Kane." I hissed with a blatant bitterness in my voice and he thinned his eyes at me suspiciously. "Are you sure you can trust him?" I blurted as I levelled him with a severe expression and his brows shot up in surprise at my question. He shuffled on the spot and seemed to consider his answer carefully. Though I understood that I had missed many events that would have allowed Kane to demonstrate his trustworthiness to Bellamy, I couldn't deny the uncertainty that I still felt and hoped that his reasoning might assist to dispel my doubts. It was obvious from the pinch in his brow that I had caught him off guard as he assessed me and his hand stroked at his jaw thoughtfully.
"Where is this coming from?" He probed, with his features contorting into a look of deep concern and I recognised from the tone of his voice from numerous leadership discussions at the dropship camp. There was something nostalgic about the atmosphere as we stared at each other, the topic reminding me of the many times that we'd argued over decisions in the past and I cleared my throat to prepare myself for a debate.
"He's an elected official. He was important on the Ark and now he's down here trying to get on the good side of all of the members of the 100 that he considers useful. He's involved in everything and I can't decide what his intentions are." I rambled with an honesty that I would not be able to indulge in with anyone else and Bellamy watched me calmly as I allowed my feelings to flow out in a chaotic mess. It was difficult to separate my opinions of Kane as a leader from my distaste for his comment about my history and I allowed myself some slack for allowing the two to become entangled in my mind. Once I'd finished, Bellamy paused to assess me with an expression that I'd witnessed hundreds of times before and despite my opposing attitude, he remained remarkably calm.
"Yes I trust him, because of his actions. He's an experienced leader, but still takes advice from those of us who have been here longer. He's involved in everything so that he can support people. An involved leader is a good thing." He explained and I shifted awkwardly as I struggled to decide how I felt about his assertions. I knew that they had a history from my time in Mount Weather, but I couldn't help feeling that Bellamy's view of him could have been easily distorted during a time when he was keenly vulnerable. I chewed my lip as I found myself going in circles in my mind and Bellamy leant into my view to catch my eyes. "Did something happen?" He interrogated with a curious glint in his eyes and I sighed deeply in consideration. There was an overpowering feeling of unease at the thought of revealing Kane's offer, as I suspected that Bellamy would consider it to be a positive opportunity whilst my anger had dominated my decision. He held his hands out insistently and I gulped.
"Kane wants me to join the council meetings, like some kind of grounder ambassador. He explained that him and Abby want to form some kind of alliance with the Commander and he's somehow got it into his head that I would be able to help with that." I divulged as I fiddled with my hands to avoid his gaze and felt him stiffen in response. There were a few moments of tense silence, as he processed the information and I could feel myself growing angry as I recalled the conversation again. It wasn't simply the fact that my arrest was mentioned that caused my outrage, but rather that someone involved in my sentencing had the audacity to advise me on it, as if it were an unfortunate circumstance that I could overcome rather than a life destroying tragedy that never would have happened without the councils corruption and failure to protect its citizens.
"Why do you think you couldn't?" Bellamy's voice was remarkably even and filled with a faith in me that was ill-paced as usual. I scoffed as the first hint of my deeply buried rage seeped through my barely remaining control and his slight suggestion that it was something I should consider made my blood boil.
"Are you kidding?!" I snapped, viewing him with utter disbelief and he simply shrugged in response as if his answer were painfully obvious. "I'm not a grounder. I have no experience with their culture, I've never even met the Commander and I have absolutely no authority to speak on political alliances. In case you haven't noticed in all of the fights that I've been in since we crashed to Earth, I'm not exactly the peace-making type." I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in exasperation as I spoke and I noticed a slight smirk hidden in the corners of his lips. "Do you know what he said to me? He remembered my case and told me that I could make more of my life here. He said it like it was some kind of fucking privilege, something I should be grateful for! Like I would be proud to work alongside the council that destroyed my life and crushed everyone under it's self serving desire to ensure that only the worthy survived." My voice began to raise as I recounted the conversation and Bellamy noticeably grimaced at my description. "I don't want to be like them. They made absolutely everyone's life a struggle. How could I help them to gain the trust of another group of people, when death follows us wherever we go?" I muttered as I finally navigated to the root of my issue with the offer and I watched as understanding dawned on Bellamy's face. He stepped closer to take my shaking hands in his and I met his eyes with emotion raw in my face.
"Indie, it is not your sole responsibility to protect everyone. I really do believe that Kane and Abby want to make things better than they were on the Ark. That's why I'm working with the guards and investing in our people, to make sure that they are doing the right thing. Honestly, I understand why you're angry at the idea, but I think that being in those meetings is a good way for you to get to know Kane and to ensure that they don't try to take advantage of the grounders, if that's what you're so afraid of. We can keep an eye on it together." He suggested as he spoke in a warm, comforting voice and I sighed as I considered his words. I was immensely uncomfortable at even the idea of attending a meeting, but the reminder that Bellamy would be right there to back me up immediately reduced my anxiety around it.
"I don't understand why you think so much of me. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. I just make it up as I go. Honestly, I'm more surprised than anyone else that I'm still alive." I mumbled as I squirmed in place with insecurity and a doting smile spread across his lips. He still viewed me with a sense of wonder in his eyes that hadn't faded at all over time and despite the way that it made my chest fill with butterflies every time, I always felt unworthy of it.
"I don't understand how you have so little confidence in yourself. I wish you could see yourself as I see you." He breathed, gently pushing my hair away from my face so that he could cup my cheeks and his fingers traced warm patterns over my skin. "You are the right person for this." He insisted with a certainty that was completely baffling and I rolled my eyes dramatically at his comments. "Just come to tomorrow's meeting with me. Once you've seen one, then you can make an educated decision." He offered in a frustratingly reasonable suggestion, leaving me no opportunity to argue and I groaned under my breath. "Do it for me?" He pleaded with puppy eyes that he knew without a doubt I could not resist and I huffed as I glared up at him.
"I'll do it if you do something for me." I answered firmly as I remembered an earlier promise and decided to seize the chance to bargain whilst I had something he wanted. He crooked a brow at me suggestively, causing me to realise that we had entirely different concepts of what he wanted in return for this favour and I fixed him with a disapproving look. "Knox says that he wants to join the guard. I don't think he's ready and honestly, I don't think I could cope with the stress of having a single additional person that I care for jollying out on patrol, but he's concerned that he is unable to protect himself. I think he feels a little useless compared to us. It would be really helpful if you could at least train him to use a gun, give him a sense of security?" I detailed and he grimaced with an overdramatic attitude as he realised that I had no intention of providing him with an easy task in exchange.
"Does it have to be me? There's plenty of people in camp who can shoot." He pouted in a manner that reminded me of a sulky teenager and I struggled to contain a laugh so that I could maintain an unimpressed stare in response. Though he seemed to be past his completely unfounded jealousy of Knox, I still hadn't been able to encourage him to develop any form of bond with him and I hoped that I might be able to achieve that aim whilst fulfilling my promise. "He's just a kid." He added hastily in an effort to defend his disinterest and I crossed my arms at him in disapproval.
"Exactly. You were so patient and thorough with me, I'd be more comfortable knowing that it was you teaching him." I elaborated with honesty, remembering the confidence that he fostered in me and he sighed as he struggled to continue denying my request. "Besides, he looks up to you Bel, a lot. You could speak some sense into him, I'm sure of it. He told me that he doesn't know how to speak to Jasper and Monty anymore, like all of us who were sent down together are too different and hardened. He doesn't have anyone else. You always remind me that I inspire people, well so do you." My eyes were pleading as I stared up at him and his face grew guilt stricken in response to my emotional appeal. He sighed reluctantly and rubbed at the back of his neck.
"Only because it's for you." He finally remarked and I smiled gratefully in return.
- O - O - O - O - O -
Although I tried my hardest to concentrate, the barrage of information coming from Kane about every aspect of running Arcadia was overwhelming and I sat at the table with my mind wondering. He was remarkably more reasonable than I had first expected, but I remained cautious about trusting him. Beyond everything else, his interest in Bellamy made me defensive, despite knowing how worthy he was of the responsibilities assigned to him.
Once I had endured one meeting without any alarm bells, I decided to continue attending them for the time being, as Bellamy's comment about monitoring their intentions repeated in my mind. If I played the part that had been requested of me, I could ensure that I would at least be able to warn Arlo of any attempts to control or manipulate. As the attendees began to filter out of the room, Kane asked me to remain behind and Bellamy paused to examine me with concern until I nodded to assure him that I was fine. The door closed, leaving us alone together at the large table and I squirmed awkwardly in my seat as he examined me.
"So, have you thought any more about our offer?" He investigated with a tempered interest and I cleared my throat. Though I had made a decision, I was yet to feel comfortable in discussing it with him and felt conflicted between expressing my doubts for him to answer, or holding them to myself as I worried that revealing them might cause me to play right into his hands. I fidgeted in my seat, displaying my unease and he smiled encouragingly at me.
"For now, I'll come to the meetings." I confirmed hesitantly and his face immediately lit up with excitement. "But as I said before, I'm not sure what I can contribute." I responded in my best attempt at a controlled manner and he nodded in understanding. There was a palpable tension in the air between us, as he continued to study me and I considered walking out several times in the heavy silence.
"I know that we haven't really had the chance to get to know each other much, but I've heard some interesting things about you. I completely understand why you would be cautious around me. I was a member of the council on the Ark, afterall." He stated with an unexpected amount of insight and I was surprised by his ability to comprehend the causes of my suspicion. "But I want you to know that it is my intention to have a better quality of life for everyone here and it's my hope that you will give me the opportunity to earn your trust. I believe we could achieve great things together." He stated diplomatically with a warm smile and I thinned my eyes at him suspiciously.
"Tell me something." I blurted and he leaned back in his seat with his hands stretched out in a silent gesture of openness. "You said that you remembered my case and that it was hard for you. When I reached review, would I have been floated or up for rehabilitation?" I probed with a curiosity that was obvious in my face and Kane sighed thoughtfully. He fidgeted with his hands in an unconscious display of discomfort and I maintained an intense stare as the seconds ticked by. There was no doubt that this was a question that he would not have chosen to answer at any other time, but as he was in the midst of proving himself to me, we both knew that he couldn't avoid it. Finally, he met my eyes with a striking vulnerability and my breath hitched in my throat in surprise.
"Considering the finer details of your case and the loss of your mother, it would have been a complicated decision. If I were making the evaluation today, I would advise the council to give you the opportunity that was stolen from you in childhood, to reach your full potential. I would like to believe that I would have advocated for the same choice on the Ark, but like all of the rest of you, I am a different person to who I was then. I truly don't know what the verdict would have been." He revealed in an even voice and I fought to keep my expression plain for a few minutes after, just to ensure that he didn't show any signs of avoidance. Eventually, I sighed and uncrossed my arms to soften my attitude.
"Well, at least you're honest. I'll give you that." I commented in a low voice and he smiled back at me with satisfaction. Realistically, I hadn't expected such a raw answer and it had caught me off guard. "If your aim is to make things better than on the Ark, then that's something I'd like to see. Hopefully you prove it." I added cautiously and was pleased to find that he didn't seem to be offended by my returned direct attitude. Instead, he was appreciative of it and I was glad that he didn't expect me to return to the excessively respectful leadership style of the Ark.
"I have something else to ask your opinion on, if you'll indulge me?" He enquired as I had started to rise to my feet and I paused to glance back at him quizzically. "I'm aware that you and Bellamy are involved, but I've been advised that you can always be relied upon for an honest opinion. I've asked around some of your other peers about their time at your dropship camp and their feedback on how Bellamy performs as a leader. As I'm sure you're aware, he's been a great help with forming the guard, and many of the other members look up to him. What are your opinions on his leadership potential?" He probed with his candid attitude creeping up on me and I chewed on my lip as I contemplated whether or not to answer. His interest caused a sense of trepidation in my mind again and I scrutinised him closely now in a effort to reveal any cracks in his facade.
"He's far from perfect. He can be reckless and hot-tempered, and at times too stubborn for his own good." I listed and I noticed that Kane's brows shot up in surprise at my negative opening. "But he is also brave to a fault and unconditionally selfless. He would willingly lay down his life to save a complete stranger without a second thought. Against all odds, he was able to inspire our camp to do things that they would never have considered without his courage and confidence. I believe in my heart that with the right mentoring, he could be an enormous asset to Arkadia." I elaborated and Kane seemed to be entirely pleased with my assertions. He opened his mouth to speak again, but I cut him off as I thinned my eyes and dropped my voice to a low tone. "Having said all of that, you should be aware that I am monitoring your relationship with him closely. If you ever try to take advantage of him, manipulate him or purposefully endanger him, Vice Chancellor or not...I'll kill you." I clarified with a tone that was cold and deadly serious, and Kane's brows knitted tightly together as he stared back at me in disbelief.
"Indigo, do you really think it wise to threaten council members?" He asked as his shock dissolved to amusement, despite his best efforts to maintain a serious expression. I'd never known a man of such stature to react to my disrespect in such a way and I was stunned that he didn't immediately threaten to court marshal me. Two options presented themselves to me, either he believed that he could earn both mine and Bellamy's loyalty and thus was not intimidated by my warning, or secondly that he didn't consider me to be a credible threat. I couldn't decide which was more of an issue.
"It's just you and I here, Kane. Your word against mine. And as long as you have no intentions of harming Bellamy, you've got nothing to fear from me." I retorted, my determination to prove that underestimating me was a crucial mistake evident in my body language as I spoke and fidgeted in preparation to leave. "Is there anything else you needed me for, Counsellor?" I offered in a sickly sweet voice and forced a smile to complete my false enthusiasm. Kane shook his head with confusion and I wordlessly swept from the room.
Bellamy was called away for duties again, so instead of spending my last day alone I sought out Monty and we chatted idly whilst I assisted him as minimally as possible with some repairs. My basic mechanical experience gave me the knowledge to put to assemble pieces whilst he worked, taking a repetitive step out of his process. After a while, we fell into silence and I knew immediately that something was eating away at him. I considered probing him for information, but chose to take a more light hearted route by distracting him from his worries, deciding that if he wanted to confide in me, he would.
"So, have you and Harper got it on yet, or am I gonna have to start making villainous plans to push you together?" I jested with a devious smile and Monty's head whipped around from his task to face me so rapidly that I feared he might actually snap his neck. I struggled to suppress a chuckle at his dramatic reaction and he prodded me with a wrench.
"Yeah right! It's never gonna happen Indie, just let it go." He commented with an amused smile that failed to conceal the hurt in his eyes and I sighed in disappointment. With all of the stress that he was already under, his ongoing perceived rejection from Harper seemed as if it were only adding insult to injury and I wished that he'd realise that it didn't have to be this way any longer. Part of me wondered if he simply did not believe that he deserved happiness following the trauma he had endured and the thought caused a pang in my heart.
"Why not? Jasper's hardly any competitions any more." I remarked bitterly, before my eyes widened and my hand shot to my mouth. Although it was a regular occurrence for my thoughts to wander freely out of my mouth without my permission, this statement shocked even me and I was struck with an immediate wave of remorse. "Shit, that was way more savage than intended. I know he's going through a lot. Sorry." I mumbled shamefully and I was surprised to witness Monty observing me with his usual understanding, seeming completely unfazed by my comment.
"Hey, you're perfectly entitled to think he's an ass. You wouldn't be the only one." He conceded and I breathed a sigh of relief. A few awkward moments of silence passed where I fiddled with my hands as I struggled to think of something to say and Monty cleared his throat loudly. "Indie, I really am sorry about the way that he behaved with you. It was totally uncalled for, especially considering that you've always been there for us both. How are you holding up with it?" He asked with a genuine concern and I shrugged back as I considered how to address the effect that this attack had on me without causing him any further guilt.
"I don't know. It kinda sucks for everyone involved, I guess. But I'll get over it." Avoiding lying, I omitted any details and he nodded slowly as he processed my answer. He returned his attention to his task for a while and I chewed on my lip as I obsessed over a single detail of Jasper's comments that haunted me. It was awkward to enquire about directly, so I decided to attempt to confront my insecurity without revealing that his verbal barrage had actually managed to emotionally scar me. "I'll be heading out again tomorrow." I divulged in a small voice and Monty hummed in acknowledgment whilst remaining focused on his work.
"So soon?" He suggested, without even glancing back at me and I squirmed in discomfort as I realised that this was neither enough to confirm nor deny my suspicions.
"Yeah. It's been a really nice break to be home, but I made an agreement to come back and that time is up. Don't wanna risk losing my place." I elaborated in a casual tone and Monty simply nodded in a manner that made it difficult to identify whether he was simply distracted or attempting to mask his true reaction to this information. I sighed deeply as I realised that the only way to resolve this issue before I returned to Arlo, which I knew was necessary, was to allow myself to be vulnerable and steeled myself for a potentially negative answer with dread. "Monty, do you feel like I've abandoned you?" I investigated with a knot of anxiety forming in my stomach and he placed his tools down as he turned to face me fully. His brows were knitted together and he appeared confused by my sudden change in demeanour.
"No? Why would I-" He began, before he cut himself off and his eyes widened in understanding. "This is about what Jasper said, isn't it?" He investigated before letting out a small, frustrated noise and I avoided his gaze in embarrassment. He reached out to take my hands in his and when I glanced up at him, he smiled at me with a warmth that melted any nerves away. "Indie, I'm not your responsibility. Neither is Jasper, Raven, Harper, Miller, Knox, or even Octavia or Bellamy. The only person you are responsible for is yourself and if going off on your own crazy adventures is going to help you to heal, then that's exactly what you should be doing. Would I prefer that you were here, unbruised and surrounded by people who love you? Of course! But it's not my decision to make. Only you know what is right for you and if you say that it's this path, then I am totally behind you. You're not abandoning anything by taking care of yourself. Jasper is just being a hurtful, self centered prick because he can deal with his pain, so he's passing it on to everyone else around him. Pay him no mind." He stated assertively and I felt my eyes filling with tears at the kindness of his words. "I've got your back, Trouble." He added with a gentle punch to the arm and I smiled back gratefully. His words were more comforting than I could ever have expected from him and I was glad that I'd taken the risk of trusting him with my fears.
"And I've got yours, no matter what." I responded truthfully, feeling my doubt dissolve away to nothing.
- O - O - O - O - O -
As a favour to Monty, I carried a tray full of spare parts out of mechanical to deliver, the metal pieces clunking loudly as I stepped and smiled up at the bright sky. The winter sun was refreshingly warm today and following our chat, I was feeling optimistic. Once I'd dropped the package at its intended location, I stepped back into the open air and contemplated how to spend the rest of my time at home. Before I could even decide on a location, I heard my name being called and turned to find Monroe approaching me nervously.
"Hey Indigo, have you got a sec?" She mumbled under her breath in an anxious manner and I nodded cheerfully. "I'm not interrupting you, am I?" She asked as she glanced around to ensure that no one else was waiting for me and I was made uncomfortable by her insecurity. Though we'd never spoken before, I couldn't understand what would be causing her to be so intimidated by the concept of approaching me and I yearned to encourage her to relax.
"I'm totally free. What do you need?" I offered with a reassuring smile and she began to wring her hands together as she studied me. My stomach flipped with dread, as I recalled Roma's equally strange demeanour when she came to me for help with Fox and I was terrified that I was about to receive a similarly horrifying request for assistance.
"Right, yeah. Well, I don't know if you noticed but I was in your training session for the guards yesterday." She stated in a small voice ad I nodded back in confirmation. I was already beginning to wonder where this conversation was going and Monroe's antsy behaviour was only worsening my growing state of panic. In all honesty, I was unsure how I'd managed to deal with the situation so well the first time and knew that I would be unable to confront such a traumatic occurrence a second time around, especially in my current emotional state. She gulped before speaking again and I found myself fidgeting in anticipation. "I just-I wanted...I thought that what you taught us was really good and I wanted to say thank you." She managed to force the words out between stutters and I felt my brows shoot up in surprise, combined with an overwhelming wave of relief.
"Oh. Well, you're completely welcome and I'm glad that you found it useful." I replied diplomatically as I smiled gratefully at her and couldn't even fully comprehend how thankful I was that her interests were so simple. We remained standing opposite each other in awkward silence and I had the sense that the conversation was not over. Yet again, thoughts rushed through my mind with worst case scenarios and I waited patiently for her to feel comfortable enough to confide in me with whatever it was that was troubling her.
"I remember the classes that you taught before, when we were having problems with the guys." She blurted suddenly and I stared back at her blankly. This was a highly unexpected tangent and I hummed gently to urge her to continue. "I'm really glad that you're still with us. You make people in camp feel safe and that's not just my opinion. I've spoken to plenty of others and I know that you inspire the girls especially to be brave, even when we don't think that we are." She confessed as she finally met my eyes and understanding dawned on my face. I'd never particularly built a relationship with Monroe back in our dropship camp, but I remembered her face from several significant events and knew that whatever distorted image she had created of herself, she was far from a coward.
"You know, I remember you being a pretty prominent member of Bellamy's militia. You volunteered for that role right from the beginning, before we had guns or walls to protect us. You were willing to put yourself out there when all we had were home made weapons. You even came with us to find Octavia and you didn't turn back, you stayed with us right until the end." I detailed all of the courage acts that I'd witnessed her perform and her eyes widened as I recounted these events, as if she'd never possibly imagined that I would notice her. "No matter what you think of yourself, or who you think it is that inspires you, don't ever credit your bravery to anyone else. You are already brave in yourself, don't forget that." I asserted and she visibly cringed as she shifted on the spot, a slight rosy blush spreading across her cheeks.
"Honestly, I did most of that to stick to Sterling. He was big into the whole hero thing but now he's gone. It was seeing you never give up, no matter what got thrown at you that made me want to be like that too and kept me going, even when it got hard." She admitted with a melancholy expression that filled her face and I smiled at her sympathetically.
"That must have been hard for you. It's never easy to lose someone, especially someone who is your anchor in all this craziness." I related to the pain that I could see in her eyes and she nodded in acknowledgement. Despite her belief in my resilience, I knew the full story and could identify that her separation from us when we were held captive had prevented her from witnessing me at my lowest. She was completely unaware of how badly I had broken and her praise felt as if it were meaningless when compared to this knowledge. "But you know what, you came back from that hurt and you volunteered for guard duty in Arkadia. That proved that you possess a courage and strength that no one else can give you. Own it, Monroe." I insisted as I reached out to squeeze her shoulder and she finally broke into a bashful smile.
"I'll try. Thanks."
