"At least, we won't have to worry about that anymore," McCoy smiled, lovingly covering Hope's hand on his cheek with his own and bringing it to his lips for a gentle kiss.
Seeing her struggle with so many emotions at once, the fear, the insecurity, the confusion, and beneath them all the unbroken love for him, it was getting harder and harder to keep his own feelings under control. But he couldn't lose it now. This was not about him. Not about his worries, or his rage, or even the hurt he felt on her behalf. This was all about Hope. What she felt, what she needed. What he could do to make this easier for her. It was his job to get her through this.
"When I realised that our time together might be limited, twenty years suddenly seemed so terribly short," Hope said, closing her eyes at the memory, and the doctor was glad to see her momentarily distracted from her self-doubts. "But then, an eternity with you wouldn't be enough either."
"I couldn't agree more," McCoy had to blink back tears, deeply touched by her words. "Twenty years together is nowhere near enough. But if they were all I could have with you, I'd gladly take them anytime."
Hope snuggled against him with a sigh, then suddenly pulled back again, and raised fearful eyes to him.
"What do you think will happen to me when I'm forty-five?" she asked, her voice a little shaky. "I might not have to go back in time, or rather, I won't be able to. But do you think I'll just cease to exist?"
The doctor suppressed a shudder, aware that he couldn't display even a hint of uncertainty now. The thought had crossed his mind, too, but he'd be damned if he told her that. It was enough that he was going to spend the next twenty years worrying about it. At least, he was used to living in constant fear of something or other. Hope wasn't, and certainly shouldn't have to be.
"Of course not, love," he reassured her, willing himself to believe it, too. "And why should you? When you … came into existence, you were separated from your counterpart. Or your twin. I'm sure Spock could explain this much better, but the way I see it, you were 'reborn' that day. You've been living your own life ever since. Independently. Growing, maturing, following your own path. There's no reason for this to suddenly end!"
"Oh, Leonard," Hope sighed, falling back into the couch. "This is just one of a million questions running through my head! In a way it's worse than suddenly waking up in another century. At least I knew who I was then. Or I thought I did, anyway. But now? Nothing's real, everything's changed, I don't know what to believe anymore!"
"I hope you still believe that I love you," McCoy smiled gently, his heart heavy as he felt himself falling into Hope's dark, soulful eyes, which seemed to be pleading for help, and for answers. "And that you can still trust your feelings. The love you have for your friends, your job, for linguistics, for music, and dancing. All of this is real. All of this is you. Wonderful, incomparable you."
"Thank you!" Hope whispered, nestling into his side as if she wanted to crawl inside him and hide there forever, and the doctor wrapped his arms tightly around her, making sure not to treat her like a breakable anymore, even though that was exactly how she felt to him at that moment.
"It's perfectly normal that you're confused, and unsure of a lot of things right now," McCoy murmured softly into her hair, his hand drawing comforting circles on her back. "Everyone would! You've just had your whole world turned upside down. Everything you've believed to be true is suddenly being called into question, and it makes me so angry that you've had that done to you."
He had to pause there for a moment, to fight back the anger that was just waiting to be released.
"I won't tell you that you'll be able to put all your doubts to rest in a day or two, either. This is going to take time. It's a process. But I'm with you every step of the way. Whatever runs through your head, every doubt, every fear, every question, even anger, because you're going to, and have every right to feel that, too, share it with me, and you'll find nothing is as daunting as it seems."
"I will, Leonard," she mumbled into his shirt, and he tenderly kissed the top of her head, hoping she really would.
They were silent for some time, and the doctor could almost see the multitude of thoughts buzzing in Hope's head, as she kept shifting around restlessly in his arms.
"You know, I can't help wondering about the years I spent in the 20th century," she finally said. "My whole childhood and youth. Was that really me? Did any of this actually happen to me, or are those just echoes of 'her' memories, too? Like the future ones?"
McCoy didn't quite know how to answer that. Those were huge, philosophical questions. Besides, he'd never been comfortable with the whole time-travel conundrums and paradoxes in the first place. Fortunately, Hope didn't really seem to expect a response anyway, her thoughts already moving on to the next question.
Abruptly disengaging herself from his embrace, she gave him a haunted look.
"You and Spock know my exact date of death, don't you?" she asked, the colour draining from her face, then quickly corrected herself. "Her date of death. Do you think I'll die at the same age? It sure would be disconcerting to know when you're going to die!"
"Oh, really, Jenny!" the doctor exclaimed, shocked by the turn Hope's agitated mind was taking, but then relented, seeing that the thought was deeply bothering her. "Nobody knows when they're going to die. As I said before, you started your own, independent life the moment you were separated."
Looking somewhat reassured by his answer, she breathed out a relieved little puff.
"And out of the two of us, I was obviously the lucky one," she said after a moment, gazing lovingly into his eyes, "being the one who got to meet you."
McCoy pressed a tender kiss on her lips, both responding to her sweet declaration of love and stalling for time. Her thoughts, and her mood swings, although understandable, were really starting to get to him. He needed to take action. A plan. Apparently, Hope wasn't ready to let go and have a good, cathartic cry just yet, but questions like these weren't healthy. And so very unlike her, they actually scared him.
As much as he loved to hold her, and knew that being in his arms gave her comfort, this time, it simply wasn't enough to revert her to her grounded, confident self.
Time to bring out the big guns, he thought, tenderly stroking Hope's hair and picturing her laughing and carefree again in his mind.
Waiting for inspiration to strike, he started by making her some tea. Her favourite 'Tension Tamer' blend, which Hope gratefully accepted. He could actually have done with a drink, too. A couple of fingers of bourbon would have been nice. But that would only give away how rattled he was himself.
He did have drinks with Jim or Scotty sometimes, of course, but he practically never drank when it was just the two of them. They had coffee, or maybe tea, or a fruit juice. Hope didn't care for alcohol, and somehow, he never even thought of having a drink when he was with her.
Besides, McCoy needed a clear head. Hope was very fragile at the moment, and he needed to observe her closely. So, tea it was for him, too. He just prayed that he wouldn't get called to an emergency, because there was no way he could leave her alone right now. Not even for a minute.
As he sat down again, cup in hand, an idea struck him. Music. Hope lived and breathed music and rhythm. It was her life. She expressed herself through singing and dancing. It had even helped with her amnesia. Maybe it would help again? At least calm her down enough to get her to sleep a little. That might give her a new perspective in the morning, and perhaps, with a little distance, things might not seem as overwhelming anymore.
He could certainly do with some rest, too. To give him the chance to process everything himself. In order to counsel her well, to really be of help to her, he desperately needed to get a grip on his own thoughts and emotions first. Beginning with purging his anger somehow.
-x-x-x-x-x-
Jenny was sipping her tea, feeling a little more like herself again. She was grateful that Leonard had sent the captain and Spock away, and was now just quietly being there for her, giving her space to process things in her own way and time, yet responding to her every thought and mood.
He'd always been good at being subtly comforting and supportive, taking up her random, troubled thoughts and guiding them in a healthier, more fruitful direction. Discreetly taking charge without being obtrusive.
Putting his cup swiftly down on the couch table, the doctor suddenly jumped up, an almost excited look on his face as he went to grab his PADD from the desk and started tapping away on it.
"Remember how our song always helped when we were going through a rough patch?" he asked, casting her an affectionate glance before returning his attention to whatever he was busily typing. "We danced to it on the beach that unfortunate evening before you had to report to the Lexington. And then it brought you back to me, after your bout with amnesia."
"It surely did, and I couldn't be more grateful," she smiled, taking the hand he offered and letting him pull her to her feet.
"You certainly loved country music before you met me," Leonard said, pulling her close and starting to gently sway to the first bars of 'It's Your Love', "and Tim McGraw and Faith Hill might always have been your favourite singers, but this is our song. Yours and mine, and no one else's. You were your own person when we first sang it together that evening down in sickbay, a whole person, a complete person, and not to forget the most amazing person I'd ever met. You couldn't have been more real, even though I confess, I sometimes suspected you to be an angel."
The doctor leaned down to kiss her cheek so delicately, Jenny barely felt his lips on her skin, her heart brimming over with love for the man who never failed to make her feel special, finding ever new ways to show her how precious she was to him, and how his whole life revolved around her.
"And if the memories of your childhood seem as real as those of you and me, then they undeniably are," he went on softly, moving with her in slow circles to the music. "Everything you remember being is real, just as everything you are now is."
Jenny nodded, letting his words sink in, then rested her forehead against Leonard's shoulder and just lost herself in the beautiful song. Their song.
And who I am now
Is who I wanted to be
And now that we're together
I'm stronger than ever
I'm happy and free
She was still feeling unsettled by everything she'd learned today, and she'd certainly stumble upon more scary questions the more she thought about it. But for the moment, safe and loved in Leonard's arms, she felt almost at peace, knowing that, as long as he loved her, she was going to be all right.
It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
Oh, it's your love
When the song ended, Jenny took a step back, expecting Leonard to take her back to the couch to talk some more. But when she looked up, he gently shook his head, and she felt herself drowning in his beautiful eyes that were gazing at her with such warmth and tenderness, it nearly took her breath away. Even after all this time, even in a situation like this, he still had the power to make her heart skip a beat just by looking at her.
Of course, she knew exactly what he was doing, and why. But having his love and kindness give her a break from all the erratic and disheartening thoughts that had been threatening to overwhelm her, was certainly more than welcome.
"There's more," he whispered, lovingly pulling her back into his arms, as Tim McGraw's voice filled the room once more. "So many more songs we've enjoyed together since you danced into my life, filling it with joy and happiness. Just try to relax a little and listen."
I used to think that love would never find me
And the one who cares was lost somewhere in time
But when you found me I knew I'd found forever
Leonard's arms tightened around her, and Jenny could feel his heart beating strong against her cheek.
Your sweet love saved me not a moment too soon
This time, when the song finished, she just stayed nestled into his embrace, confident that he'd put a few more on his impromptu playlist. Leonard was nothing if not creative in helping her through difficult times.
And sure enough, there was George Strait with another favourite song of hers. She'd never told Leonard this, but her heart ached a little every time she listened to the song, because the lyrics always painfully reminded her that this was exactly how the doctor saw himself.
I'm not the hero who will always save the day
Don't always wear the white hat, don't always know the way
I may not even be the dream you wanted to come true
Jenny raised her head, giving the doctor a tender look, mouthing, "You know you are!" and earning herself a gentle kiss on the nose, as he touched a finger to his ear, indicating that he wanted her to keep listening.
Remember that there's someone there whose heart is always true
Someone there to help you make it through
I'll always be the man in love with you
Leonard had stopped dancing and was looking at her intently.
"Never forget that," he said earnestly. "Whatever life has in store for us, together, we'll always make it through."
Starting to move to the music again, he drew her into a soft kiss, tenderly affirming his words, and all of Jenny's daunting thoughts suddenly seemed lightyears away. Of course, she knew that they'd be back to haunt her. She couldn't simply ignore the things she'd learned today. They'd changed everything. But just knowing that Leonard would be there when her fears and doubts returned, filled her with a sense of calm confidence. With him by her side, she was ready to face anything.
And with this reassuring thought in mind, Jenny wrapped her arms tightly around the doctor's waist, basking in his warm embrace as the next song started to play and Travis Tritt's words touched her heart like they never had before.
'Cause I love you more than you'll ever know
More than life, more than I've ever loved before
It's absurd, and beyond words, I couldn't want you more
And when I try to pour my heart out to you I'm not sure it shows
That I love you more than you'll ever know
A/N: I couldn't resist, this chapter just called for some soothing background music.
So, if you're interested, this is
McCoy's playlist:
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – It's Your Love
Tim McGraw – Not a Moment Too Soon
George Strait – The Man In Love With You
Travis Tritt – More Than You'll Ever Know
