Author's Note: Trigger warning for weight related issues in this chapter as well. Also apologies for Tuesday's chapter. I got it out on Tuesday however FFN was having difficulties and it wasn't posted for a couple days. I promise I've stuck to my schedule haha it was just this website being mean.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Darkness pressed down as Remus wasted away into nothing; he was locked up in his cellar room, starving. He wasn't sure how long he had been in there, only that his body was getting thinner. He cried and pleaded to be let go until, finally, he heard something unlocking. There were whispers on the other side, and a door swinging open...
"Remus?"
He woke up with a gasp, jerking upright. He was in his hospital room, and no one else was there—except the door was open. Only for a second. He watched it close on his own.
"G—guys?" he asked, their smells drifting past his nose. The cloak was jerked off, revealing the Marauders staring at him in shock. Remus pushed himself into a better sitting position, frowning. "What in Merlin's name are you doing here?"
"We were about to ask you the same thing," James said.
Sirius rushed to Remus's bedside, grey eyes enormous. "What the bloody hell happened?!" he demanded, seizing Remus's hand. He picked Remus's arm up, fingers touching the too-thin wrist; it looked like it would snap in Sirius's hand. "What the hell? Remus?" He sounded upset and horrified. "What the hell? You look—"
"I know," Remus cut him off. "I'm fine. You can't be here!"
"We were worried," Peter whispered, coming to the other side of the bed. "You said you'd be back..."
Remus used his free hand to push his hair out of his face. "I know, I'm sorry. The—this moon was really rough."
"No kidding," James said, eyes sweeping across Remus's frail body.
Remus shrank back slightly, resisting the urge to yank his hand away from Sirius. "I'll—I'll be fine, it's okay. You have to get out of here before Pomfrey—"
"What happened?" Sirius asked, turning Remus's hand over as he kept examining him. "You've never looked..." His eyes met Remus's, and he looked away. "Like this," he finally finished, the worry very clear in his tone. "You've looked bad before. But not like this."
"I lost weight, that's all," Remus said. "It's fine, I promise. I have to stay here a bit. But you have to go. Now! If Pomfrey finds you in here, it'll be bad! If they know you know..."
"Can we come visit you tomorrow?" Pete asked.
"No! They can't know you know I'm here," Remus hissed out. "I d-don't know how long I'll be here but—but hopefully I'll be back tomorrow. I can't come to classes—"
"The horror," Sirius grumbled.
Remus shot him a look. "But hopefully she'll release me in the evening if I rest and eat loads."
"You—you're sure you'll be okay?" James asked.
"Yes, but none of us will be unless you go now!"
Peter gave his shoulder a squeeze and James leaned in to pat his arm. Sirius wrapped his fingers around Remus's hand, not quite squeezing. Obviously (probably?) he didn't want to hurt Remus. Finally, he set Remus's hand down, and, after some goodbyes and well wishes, the three of them disappeared back under James's cloak. The door opened and shut, and pretty much as soon as it shut he heard Sirius say how he hoped next month Remus would say he's the ill one so they could visit.
Remus settled back in bed, tucking his hand—the one Sirius had been holding—against his chest.
/\/\/\/\/\
In the morning he didn't feel very hungry, however he drank the entire shake that Pomfrey brought, determined to be well enough to leave the hospital wing. He waited for Pomfrey to complain about his friends breaking in and when she didn't say anything, he figured they were in the clear.
Cannot believe they did that, he thought as he lay very bored. No... he could believe it. It was stupid and reckless, which was very much them. Hopefully they don't try again.
He was very bored until Pomfrey brought him a book to read, and even then he grew antsy. He wanted to go to class, or the dorms, or something! He got out of bed pacing around, trying to ignore how big the pajama bottoms were on his legs. After hitching them up for the umpteenth time he gave up, tired of having to hold the waistband. Grouchily, he returned to the book. Which turned out to be a very good thing.
Sometime after lunch he got to a section regarding the history of autopsy magic. It briefly mentioned how healers would use a spell to block the smell if the corpses were particularly bad.
Remus bent forward, rereading the line a few times. There is a spell, then. He scrambled for his bag before remembering he didn't have it with him—then realized he left it back at the house in Hogsmeade! Oh no, he thought, covering his mouth. He didn't want to wait a month—
MY WAND IS STILL THERE, he realized, grabbing at his hair and swearing loudly. Blast it and curses! He'd have to go back to get it. That was going to be weird... going to the house when it wasn't a full moon...
Right, well, simply memorize this. Remus examined the book closely, making careful mental notes of everything revolving around the one line. It was going to be difficult doing research into this without much else to go on, but it was better than not having a lead at all.
/\/\/\/\/\
When Pomfrey brought Remus's supper, she checked his weight and vital statistics. The vital statistics were pretty much fine, though his weight hadn't really gone up much. Not as much as Pomfrey would have liked.
"Please," he begged. "I don't want to stay another night in here. I miss my friends. Please!"
Pomfrey sighed. "I'll think about it."
Which probably meant no.
Remus grumpily ate his supper, pouting until Professor McGonagall came to see him. He hoped she was there to tell him he could leave, but apparently she just wanted to check up on him. She sat by his bed, smoothing her robes out, trying to keep her expression neutral however he could tell she was a bit concerned seeing him. She asked how he was doing, and he informed her he was very bored. She looked down her nose at that.
"Your health is very important, Mr. Lupin," she said sternly.
"I—I know, I'm n-not trying to say it isn't," he said, twisting the blanket up in his hands. "But I'm all right, only a bit—bit underweight. I'm not bleeding, or have any broken bones. I can eat outside the hospital wing. I d-don't want to miss any more classes."
McGonagall sighed, adjusting her glasses. "I understand that and appreciate your work ethic. However, if Poppy thinks you're unfit to go back to your dorm, we must trust her judgment. Personally... you don't seem quite well enough to return to classes. Not yet."
"I have to spend another night in here?!" he asked, horrified.
"Yes, at least another night, and it is doubtful you can come to classes tomorrow. I'm sorry."
Remus slumped down, biting back a swear. "What if—what if I agree to spend my free periods here in the hospital wing?"
She hesitated, and a spark of hope lit within him. "I... shall speak with Poppy about that. If you do... you need to think of what to tell your friends and classmates, including as to why you've grown so thin."
Remus puzzled over this for a moment, then suggested saying his mother had been so ill he hardly ate anything. McGonagall wasn't sure if it was believable enough that he lost so much weight that way in such a short time, but if he was confident about the excuse then it was his decision to go to class, not hers.
At that moment there was a knock at the door. When Miss Fawley came in, Remus realized he was supposed to have Occlumency at this point, and was grateful someone had written to her since he had forgotten all about it.
"Hello Mythana," McGonagall said.
Miss Fawley tilted her head. "Minerva. What a pleasant surprise!" She offered her hand, and McGonagall shook it. "It's good to see you again. In a manner of speaking," Fawley added with a laugh.
McGonagall rose, and offered her chair to Miss Fawley. "I need to speak to Poppy—"
"I hope I'm not running you off."
"No, no," McGonagall assured her. "I'll be back momentarily."
Fawley sat down, giving a gentle smile towards Remus. "I hear you had some issues this time around. It was a windy night?"
"Yes," he answered. "I'm sorry I didn't write to you. It's been a strange day, I—I guess I was distracted."
Fawley shook her head. "It's fine. Albus informed me you were in the hospital wing. May I?" She put her hand out, and Remus gave her his. "Oh dear," she said, running her thumb along Remus's wrist. "I'm so sorry, dear. I know how bad those nights can be. I remember one full moon... Morrigan lost so much weight, it was quite terrifying."
"I've only lost fourteen pounds," he promised.
Fawley pressed her lips together at that. "Considering how little you weigh, that is a great deal, Remus," she chided.
He ducked his head. "I've gained almost two pounds back. Though Madame Pomfrey says it's not enough. I might have to miss tomorrow's classes too."
"No wonder you sound so grouchy," Fawley said with an amused smile, and Remus glowered. "I know. I know how important your classes are to you. That is fine. But you need to focus on getting better—"
The door opened, and McGonagall came back in to inform Remus that Pomfrey said it depended on how he was doing in the morning, which again probably meant no. He tried not to sulk, didn't want to sulk in front of Professor McGonagall (or Fawley, but Fawley saw all his worst sides anyway so it wasn't as much of a deal). Fawley and McGonagall stayed for a short while, both of them chatting to Remus, and after they left they stood out in the hospital wing talking to one another for a good forty minutes. He heard them reminiscing over shared school days.
Remus tried to go back to the medical tome but he was bored and grumpy, and kept glaring out the window at the waning moon. Since he didn't have his wand he just pointed his finger. "Flipendo," he snapped, pretending to shoot the hex at the moon. "Flip—bloody—endo!"
At least his mother hadn't shown up to drag him back home. He supposed his father must have convinced her not to.
/\/\/\/\/\
Remus had nightmares that night. Nightmares of being locked in the cellar again, of wasting into nothing. This time no Marauders showed up to interrupt the terror, and he saw it through till he was nothing but skin and bones. Only then he woke up, gasping for air. He wrapped his arms around his stomach, bending forward, tears dripping down his cheeks. It sorta reminded him of the nightmare he had of his parents taking him to America, and him withering away in solitude.
He ran his fingers down his arm, feeling the bones. He slid his hands across his stomach and up into his shirt, brushing his fingertips against his ribs then down to his jutting hip bones. Need to do better about taking care of myself, he thought miserably. Perhaps if he had done better, he wouldn't have lost quite as much weight and he'd be able to be in classes again. Even when I'm released I can't go to class, not until I get to the house and get my wand. He felt so stupid for leaving everything. How could he do that?
Oh, he thought, closing his eyes. Right. He had been a shivering ball of exhaustion and fogginess, unable to think of anything.
/\/\/\/\/\
When Pomfrey brought his breakfast (as well as a letter from his mother, saying how sorry she was she hadn't come back; Lyall thought it would be best if Remus stayed at the school and she had reluctantly agreed. Thank Merlin! His mother was obviously upset in the letter, but Remus was ecstatic) and checked his weight, she decided he could go to classes. As long as he came back to a checkup during the meals. This startled him into momentary silence, then finally he swallowed and explained he needed to go get his stuff from the house, would he be able to do that? She considered this while he worked on his breakfast (lots of bacon, sausage, eggs and toast) finally agreeing with the understanding that if he wasn't back before a certain time she'd go and look for him to make sure he was safe.
"I don't have any clothes," he said, and Pomfrey summoned a house-elf who fetched one of Remus's uniforms that had been down in the laundry room. Remus watched with interest when the house-elf returned, his uniform folded neatly in her arms. Remus was super curious how she was carrying the clothes, and asked, since he assumed house-elves couldn't even touch them. The house-elf squeaked and wrung her hands, explaining that there was a difference between handling clothes as part of their job and being given clothes.
That makes sense, Remus thought, after thanking her. Even if you used magic for everything there'd still be the risk of touching the clothes, even by accident. Pomfrey expressed surprise that Remus didn't know this, and he pointed out he didn't have a house-elf at home, had never met any until starting school.
"All I know is what I read, and the books all say they—that being given clothing frees them," Remus said. "I wasn't sure." Personally, he was glad they didn't have a house-elf. The whole thing made him uncomfortable. The books all said house-elves were happy doing what they did, but it was still... not so great in his opinion.
Once he was dressed he left the castle, finding it still a little difficult to walk. His clothes were even baggier than normal on him and he had to stop every few minutes to yank his trousers back up. After too many pauses, he got to the Whomping Willow where he chucked rocks at it until he gave up. Instead he used a long stick, diving out of the way of the branch in order to poke the knothole. He banged his knee doing that, and limped into the passageway.
Whew, he thought, leaning against the tunnel wall. It felt like he had run a marathon already, he was so tired! Maybe Pomfrey was right. He had Charms and Transfiguration today, and unless they were solely lectures/written tests it was gonna be difficult.
Shaking his head, he pressed on, trying to go as fast as he could to the house. He got everything out of the wardrobe upstairs, wrapping his fingers happily around his wand. It felt as though he was complete again. As if part of his body really had been missing, which, he supposed, for a wizard that was true.
Remus returned to the hospital wing as quickly as he could, resting in his room until it was time to go to Charms.
"Are you certain you feel up to it?" Pomfrey asked.
"Yes," he lied, tucking his shirt into his trousers and his messed up tie into his jumper. "Do—do I look very awful, with the robes on?"
"Not too terrible, but it's obvious you're unwell," Pomfrey told him.
Remus brushed his robes off and shouldered his bag, realizing he had never gone to the dorm so he didn't have his Charms book. I can borrow Sirius's, he thought as he headed off to class. It was still a bit early by the time he got there, and the only one there was Flitwick, who said it was good to see him again, as well as making sure he was okay. Remus promised he'd be all right, then asked if there were any extra books he might be able to borrow since he had come straight from the hospital wing. Flitwick rummaged around in a cupboard and produced a well-worn copy of The Standard Book Of Spells, Grade Two.
The first ones in were Lily, Colgate, and Inkwood. Lily screeched when she saw Remus. "I've been so worried, you've been gone so long!" she cried out, hugging him gently. "You look—oh!"
"I'm fine," he promised. "Mum wasn't doing well, and I hardly ate over the past few days. It's been very stressful."
Her eyes raked over him. "You—are you sure you're all right?"
"Yes, th—"
"REMUS!"
The Marauders galloped in, unceremoniously shoving Lily out of the way to crowd around and hug him, expressing their happy surprise he was back. Remus was buried in their arms and laughed, trying to wriggle free. Finally everyone settled down, and class began. At first it was fine: a lecture from Flitwick with lots of note-taking, but then they practiced some spells and by the time the lesson was done Remus was wiped. His friends were concerned when he said he needed to go back to the hospital wing, however he assured them it was only a formality really, explaining the agreement with Pomfrey.
Except when he got to the wing he lay down in his little room, falling asleep before he even got lunch. Pomfrey woke him up half an hour later to eat, asking if he wanted to skip his next class. It wasn't until two so he shook his head, meekly asking if she could wake him up at one-forty. After eating all the food (which he wasn't very hungry for and only did it to try to get better) he fell back asleep until it was time for History.
/\/\/\/\/\
"Okay, so what happened?!"
It was after Transfiguration and the Marauders were in their dorm, all on Remus's bed as he slithered under the covers.
"Wh—when I transform it takes a lot of energy. It—it burns off energy. Like, um, you know, exercising?" He smoothed the blanket out across his lap and settled back against his pillows. "When it's windy and cloudy I t-tend to transform more than once. When the clouds cover the moon, I transform back to human, and when they blow away I go back to—er, yeah. On Saturday it happened three times which was bad enough, but—but Sunday night it happened six times."
All three had expressions of worry, which embarrassed him a little.
"Does that happen often?" Sirius asked softly.
"No. Especially not like Sunday," Remus replied, fighting off a yawn. "It's a bit complicated, it's not—it's not as simple as clouds cover the moon then blow away, it also depends on how long they cover the moon for? I think? I'm fairly certain if they only cover the moon for a short period of time, or if some of the moon peeks out, I won't transform back. Typically... I'd say I have multiple transformations in one night maybe half a dozen times in a year?"
"Six times?" James asked. "I mean, have you ever had it happen six times in one night?"
Remus bit his lip, shaking his head. "Th—that's the first that's happened, as well as two nights in a row." He looked down at his wrists, moving them so they were under the covers. All afternoon his classmates had approached him wondering what happened, and he prayed his excuse of not eating and being stressed was believable enough. The other Marauders said it was, but he wasn't quite sure if they were telling the truth or not.
"So, um, it burned off your energy and you lost weight?" Pete asked.
"A lot of weight," James added.
"Yeah—er, I mean, really not that much if I was..." Remus trailed off, going a little pink.
"Not so small to begin with?" Sirius teased, and Remus elbowed him. "I dunno, it looked like you lost enough to matter even if... well, is there anything we can do to help?"
"Erm... wake me up for supper if I fall asleep?" he asked with a smile, and they assured him they would.
They stayed in the dorm room while Remus napped with his earplugs in, blocking out the sound of their chatter and the music. He didn't sleep as much as he'd like, as he kept worrying about breaking the earplugs; breaking the wooden section which adjusted the sound. So he took them out and rested with his eyes shut.
/\/\/\/\/\
Over the next couple of days, Remus had to go to the hospital wing three times a day, at each meal. He ate his meals there the first day—meals lightly laced with potion to gain weight, but on Thursday night Pomfrey told him he could eat in the Great Hall as long as he came by after for a checkup.
Thursday, at one point in the halls, Remus heard his name shouted and he turned, seeing Aegis pushing past some students to approach him. He said he was very glad Remus was doing all right, having been worried since he heard loads of different rumors. Lily had tried to explain at Study Group the night before, but Aegis had been worried anyway. Unfortunately, though, Remus admitted that while he was back, he wasn't quite well enough to go through their adventure plans. They had made the plans for the weekend of the full moon and Remus had hoped to be able to do it that weekend, except it was obvious he wasn't up for it. They agreed to put it off their adventure till the next weekend, the first weekend in March.
"Adventure?" Sirius asked after Remus and Aegis parted ways.
Remus shrugged. "Exploring the school," he replied, still not wanting them to know he had brought Aegis to the Pits Passages. "We've been doing some... research."
"Ew," James said. "That takes all the fun out of exploring."
Remus rolled his eyes, smiling. "That's why I'm doing that with him and not you guys."
After his checkup that night he went to James's practice and told Sirius and Peter the good news about being able to eat in the Great Hall again. They both gave him pats, and sat very close to him. There was a sharp, cold wind, and even bundled up he was freezing cold. Sirius and Pete sat on either side of him, arms pressed against his, helping him stay warm. He wound up falling asleep, head lolling onto Pete's shoulder. They woke him up when practice was over, and Sirius gave him a piggyback ride back into the school.
"You don't need to," Remus murmured, not really putting any effort into the protest. It was kinda nice not having to walk, considering how many times he had tripped on the way to the field.
Friday morning, and he was finally in the Great Hall again after a week. He couldn't believe how long it had been. Nor could he believe how much he had missed eating with his friends. Lily, Colgate, and Inkwood even joined them for lunch and that's when Remus found out two things about Sirius.
One: Sirius had gotten revenge against Snape over the weekend, using the flaming ink James nicked from Filch's office. Somehow—very mysteriously—Snape's desk caught fire during an exam, burning up his test papers, quill, and some of his robes's sleeve. Lily made it clear she suspected James and Sirius, though they completely denied it (and later Sirius told Remus that yes, he did it).
And two: Sirius and Inkwood had made up sometime during the week. While it was obvious they weren't as close as they had been before the Bubble Belch incident, Remus suspected they'd soon be back to nearly-dating.
"He gave her flowers," Lily explained as they headed to History later that afternoon. "And a card with an apology. I don't know if it was his idea or not—honestly, it sounds more like your idea but you've been gone. By the way, I'm sorry your mother was so bad..."
Remus wondered where Sirius got the idea too. "Thank you. She's a lot better now. I suppose I wasn't feeling too great when I was there, so that didn't help much."
Lily bumped against him. "I'm glad you weren't sick at least. When I saw you like... like you were... I was rather frightened."
"Yes, it's... well, I'm getting better, and Madame Pomfrey is happy with my weight gain." He glanced down at his wrists which were still far too thin, but not quite as thin as they had been Tuesday.
After Transfiguration, McGonagall asked Remus to stay behind. She wanted to see how he was doing, how he was feeling. He was tired of talking about his health at this point but answered her question, making it clear he was happy to be back in classes and the dorms. He added that Lily had given him notes from all the classes, and he'd get the homework done as quickly as possible. McGonagall sighed, reminding him he shouldn't rush or worry about getting it done right away.
"I—I don't mind," he said, wriggling a little bit. "Homework is fun."
McGonagall raised her eyebrows, and it looked as though she were suppressing a smile. "I see. Well, still, there's no need to push yourself."
Remus lied, promising he wouldn't.
