General Hospital, Port Charles
Soft chiming in the chapel marked the arrival and passage of midnight. The hours continued to flow by with no news, and Anna Devane held it together by the thinnest of threads.
She hadn't eaten or changed her clothes or slept in 48 hours. For eight of those hours, she had bargained with a deity she only ever seemed to talk to hospital chapels. Dear God, please...Anna murmured, pleading for his life and asking for reassurance she had no right to expect. She didn't want to lose him. If he lives...she continued her mental plea, even if she had no guarantee that anyone was listening. Sitting with her head in her hands on the hard, cold bench, praying that she wouldn't be left without him. Her worst fear was coming true. With fingers clenched, she gripped the well-polished wood as if it was a lifeline. She was spiraling down, spinning out of control, feeling powerless and drifting. He had coded once, which had nearly sent her over the edge with grief, and she couldn't take the raw fear that was in Chase's eyes whenever she looked at him.
Damn Alex. No...damn herself for not getting to him in time, for not taking a shot sooner, for not staying out in the field until she had brought her to justice months ago. Anna's eyes glittered, and she let the tears fall. She was filled with a sudden rage. Their life had been going beautifully. She and Finn and Violet were a family. The puzzle pieces all fitted into place. She remembered the last time she saw him, trying to tease an opinion out of him, his lips caressing her cheek on the way out the door. And now…that might be his last kiss.
There was a hard knot of fear in her stomach, a horridly familiar coldness that flowed out to her extremities, causing her to rub her hands together for warmth. She felt as if she was perched high on a precipice, looking down into the abyss. All her plans for the future were on the operating table. If he dies, if she was to lose him now...
She clenched her teeth and wrapped her arms around herself. With the wedding looming, Finn had suggested they update their wills.
She couldn't sit still. No more waiting passively. She needed to regain control of things. Eventually, she wandered the halls of the hospital until she found the surgical floor. She stood in front of the double doors. Anna's heart skipped a beat at her reflection in inset glass. Her eye sockets seemed cavernous in a pale white face; this warped visage seemed to look at her from somewhere deep underwater. It was her face; it was her sister's face—a ghost. There were already too many ghosts ready to haunt her. No matter how far or fast she ran, they were always chasing behind her. She could never escape the dead.
It was her fault.
Or it was Alex's fault.
Anna closed her eyes tightly and considered that perhaps it was everyone's fault and nobody's at the same time. She hadn't meant for any of this to happen. Finn was her new life, her new beginning after she was sure that love would never be for her again. She was forced to face the fact that she was afraid, terribly afraid for Finn.
All she could do was sink to her knees next to the door, and she let herself weep. Weep for Finn for Violet and herself.
Epiphany's news that he made it through surgery was a moment of pure joy. Even after Finn was moved to his recovery room, Anna felt like she could exhale, but she was still afraid to let her guard down. If it was over and he was on the mend, then she wanted to be next to him. There were too many things she wanted to say, things she needed him to understand, so she pulled her chair to his bedside and set herself for the perfect vantage point to see his blue eyes open. She couldn't take her eyes off his face. Other than the faint rasp of his breathing and the reassuring chirp of the monitor attached to him, everything else faded away.
Anna swallowed and lightly touched the bedcovers. There was so much she wanted to say to this man, to share with him. She loved him. He meant everything to her. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him- really and truly. He had breached the walls of her heart, and she had been happy to surrender.
"No," her voice was low with heartache and passion. "No, I won't let you leave like this. We have a whole lifetime waiting for us. I love you. I need you to stay in. Do you hear me? I need you to stay with us."
Her heart contracted with emotion. She could hear Alex laughing in triumph at her pain, telling her that her words weren't enough to keep him tethered to earth, that wanting wouldn't be enough to heal him.
And then his eyes opened.
Anna's heart leaped convulsively with joy, but it wasn't until Finn's eyelids fluttered and she was rewarded with one of his signature quips that she felt perhaps it would be ok after all. His color had returned, and his smile was on his lips, and she took his hand in hers and never wanted to let go.
After she had been able to let her feelings pour out, she tried not to be selfish to not outstay her welcome when others wanted his time. So she had gone and tried to wash up and even run a comb through her hair. They came and went, doctor's nurses and orderlies. And, more importantly, those who loved him. She hadn't been the only one bargaining. Chase first and then, to her unexpected delight, Gregory. Nothing brings a family together like a threat to life and limb.
When she had asked how the conversation with his dad had gone, she wasn't too surprised with his answer.
"It was actually better than expected. Although what's between us. I don't know if it will ever go away."
"Not even a near-death experience can clear it away? She asked gently.
"I don't know." Finn shifted and then let out a labored gasp. Anna sat forward quickly in concern; she took his hand in hers.
"Are you hurting? Should I get the nurse? Do you need help?" she looked frantically around for the call button, but he waved her off before she could reach for it. Finn panted for a moment in pain, and then his breathing slowed.
"I just have to remind myself not to move too quickly," he said dryly. "And here you are asking about me when you look like you have been through the wringer yourself."
Anna's hand moved self-consciously to her bruised face. "I haven't been home yet. I tried to clean up as best I could here, under the circumstances."
Finn grinned slyly. "Well, the nurse said I was due for a sponge bath. Maybe you could help me with that, and then I could return the favor? I don't want to get you too excited, but I'm not wearing pants, and my catheter was removed."
Anna couldn't help laughing and traced circles on the back of his hand." Mmmm...that is tempting, Dr. Finn. But I don't think you are well enough for the exertion of any kind." she said coyly.
"All the more reason to get better. See, you are so motivating."
"Hmmm. I hope you are a better patient than you were last time you were in hospital."
"Probably as good as you were last time you were admitted."
"I guess I set a bad example."
"I think we both can agree that being a patient is not our strong suit.
"No, you're right; it isn't. We do have that in common."
"One thing among many."
"I was so scared for you. I'm so sorry. I was too late."
Too late. The words repeated over and over in her brain, mocking her unceasingly. She looked up quickly with over-bright eyes; her lips pressed together so tightly that they were drained of color.
"Hey, I made it through. And so did you." He couldn't stop his own worry from taking root as he continued to study her face. "Did anyone look you over?"
"First a sponge bath and now an offer for an examination? Will you be conducting it yourself?" She tried to keep her tone light and his concern at bay.
"I would love to," a smile danced across his face but then was followed by a look of deep concern, "but all joking aside, are you alright?" He reached out and touched her temple carefully.
"What did she do to you?" he asked. Anna shut her eyes for a moment, and Finn realized he had never seen her look more worn out even though she worked valiantly to hide it.
"Nothing I can't bounce back from. A nurse gave me a once over, and there was nothing to be concerned about. The swelling has gone down; the bruises will heal." Her voice was softer and gentler than he expected.
"What about the bruises people can't see? The ones here." He placed his hand over her heart, and she couldn't meet his gaze.
"I think…" she began and then paused when she heard her voice break. She took a breath. Finn waited patiently until she was steady enough to begin again.
"There is something in us that's hardwired for survival. I have been trained to use deadly force when it's necessary and proportionate; that's how they talk about it in the WSB. Very clinical sounding, isn't it? Self-defense and defense of life are always reasons to line up the shot and take it. We will do what we need to keep breathing, but there is something that feels wildly against nature to kill your sibling."
"Especially your identical twin."
She nodded and then looked to meet his gaze. "I shot her Finn; I knew I had to, for what she did to you, for what she tried to do to me. I know that a bullet wound in that location was...not compatible with life. And yet, I told Maxie to get me something to stop the blood because I felt driven to help her. I know she didn't deserve it, I know I had to stop her but...I still…
"Hey, it's ok. It's ok to feel what you are feeling. You did what you had to do, but you are a human."
"I don't know what we would do without you."
Finn studied her beautiful, anxious face."How did Alex ever think for a second that I would think she is you?"
"Well, she was in a tight spot; it makes people do desperate things. She told me before she left me for dead that she planned on breaking your heart."
"If that was her goal, she did accomplish that." Finn quipped. "It was all a blur. I tried to get the gun from her, and I was about to knock it to the ground. But...I wasn't quick enough. And then it felt like I had been punched through my ribcage." He couldn't go any further than that. The darkness had bloomed and expanded after that time; only flashes of memory remained. But one burned brighter than the others. "But I remember your face and your voice telling me you loved me. And now I wish you would take it easy."
"Take it easy? I think that might be a fate worse than death."
Finn tried to stifle the chuckle that he knew would only make his chest hurt more. Only Anna Devane, after being kidnapped, almost blown up, and in a shootout, would be horrified at the prospect of rest.
"Really, you don't need to worry about me. I'm going to go home and change. Then I'm going to pick up Violet and take her to Kelly's for dinner so I can talk to her and get her ready to visit you. She's going to be so happy to see you. You should get some sleep. I didn't mean to wake you when I came in."
"I wasn't really asleep," he confessed. "I just pretended to because I'd run out of benign and neutral things to say to my dad."
"Now, that doesn't surprise me at all. I don't want to let you out of my sight, but rest is called for. You shouldn't talk, you shouldn't move, you shouldn't take any more chances. But you still should sleep."
"I don't know if I can." Finn looked at her for a long moment. Anna felt her cheeks flush unconsciously under his gaze. "Come here…" he said, his voice barely louder than a whisper.
Anna slid her stool closer to him and leaned in; she ran her knuckle over the side of his face. "Are you feeling ok, Finn? Should I call a doctor?"
"No," he said and shook his head. Anna placed her hand on his cheek, but Finn shifted himself over and lifted his blanket. "Come here, Anna…"
Her eyes widened in surprise, and she froze, understanding what he was wanting. "Finn…" she said hesitantly. He could see it in her eyes, the self-torment she always carried, and seeing it hurt deeper than the pain of surgery. At the same time, he was so very, very grateful that she was alive. When he looked at her, the images of what could have happened to her kept revolving in a terrible loop in his mind. They had both been damaged. He needed her close.
"I don't want to hurt…" She let his fingers curl around hers.
"Pull down the railing…" he said, his voice was firm.
She did as he asked and raised one eyebrow as he shifted away from her once more.
"Come here...lie down next to me."
Anna glanced at the door as if she expected to see Epiphany or Amy, looking at her with disapproval.
"Anna, I want you too. I need you too." He gave her a look that stole her breath.
"Ok…" she said softly, reaching down to take off her shoes, which made her drop instantly in height. She stowed them under the bed and carefully climbed onto the hospital bed. She took a deep breath and then slid her body down next to his as Finn pulled the blanket over her, Anna awkwardly tied to avoid touching him. Afraid to hurt him. But Finn gathered her up with his left arm and waited until she relaxed and her head rested on his shoulder, which made a comforting pillow for her to rest upon. Anna's bravery was in tatters as she felt him kiss the top of her head.
Finn smiled; she smelled of vanilla and gunpowder. He looked down into her brown eyes that looked back at him full of exhaustion and worry. Carefully Finn rubbed his hand up and down her arm as she snuggled against his neck. He looked at her lips and then inclined his head so his mouth could reach hers. He kissed her tenderly.
"Now I can go to sleep..", he said. Anna lay against him, an internal prayer of thanksgiving with the rise and fall of every breath he made. Eventually, she gave in to the warmth of his body and carefully put her hand over his waist. His heart was beating with a steady thump thump, reassuring her. She listened to every breath as sleep claimed him, but soon her own exhaustion couldn't be ignored, and soon she too fell asleep wrapped in the arms of the man she loved.
When Elizabeth stepped into the hospital room, she stopped in her tracks and stood there, surprised at what she was seeing. Finn was asleep with Anna in his arms. She smiled and walked carefully to retrieve the chart at the end of the bed, flipped the pages and made her notation continued on with her work, then left the room quietly and turned off the light.
No need to disturb them.
