Dipper and Mabel pushed Stewie's wheelchair onto the wooden lift. Then they stepped on themselves. Brian was already on top of the Wall. He pulled on the rope and the lift went up. When the kids got to the top, they stepped off the lift and took their places next to Brian.
"Are you guys sure you wanna be up here?" Brian asked the Pines twins.
"Stewie's staying up here, and he's younger than us," Mabel pointed out.
"Okay…" said Brian.
"Besides, you might need us," Dipper said. "You said there were gnomes in Mance Radar's army. My sister and I know how to deal with gnomes."
"I'm not worried about gnomes," said Brian. "It's the giants I'm worried about."
"You should be worried about gnomes," Dipper said cryptically.
Just then, Brian heard a horn blow two blasts. When he looked out over the Wall, he saw a great big fire going up. It was the signal for the wildling army to attack!
"Looks like that's my cue," Stewie said, and he warged into Brian again.
Farther down the wall, Alliser Thorne shouted orders to a group of archers. "Nock and hold! I said nock and hold, ya dang wimpy slugs! Does nock mean draw?"
"No, ser!" shouted the archers.
"Does fuckin' hold mean fuckin' drop?"
"No, ser!"
"Do you all plan to die here tonight?"
"No, ser!"
"That's very good to hear! DRAW!"
Inside Castle Black, Steve was bringing Gilly and her baby to a storage room where they could hide. "Will you stay down here with us, Steve?" Gilly asked.
Steve looked down at the floor. "I can't. I swore to defend the Wall as a brother of the Night's Watch. But I'm not leaving you entirely alone…"
Right on cue, Hodor came lumbering in. "Hodor!" he said.
"Hodor here hasn't taken in any vows," Steve said. "Stewie assured me that he'll make sure no one gets in here."
"Just promise me you won't die," Gilly begged.
"I won't," Steve promised. Before he knew what he was doing, he had kissed her! It came as a surprise to Gilly. Craster never kissed any of his wives, so she had never been kissed before, or even seen anyone kissing. She liked it, though.
Steve hurried to the battlements above the castle's southern gate. Snot, Toshi and some other guys were there, preparing arrows. "You know," Steve said to them, "our vows only forbid us from taking wives or producing children. Other activities are open to interpretation, right?"
"Are you coming on to me?" Snot asked.
"Īe, anata wa baka, kare wa sono on'nanoko girī ni tsuite hanashite iru!" Toshi said, which meant, "No, you idiot, he's talking about that girl Gilly!"
"I don't understand how you can be so calm, Steve," said Snot. "Why aren't you afraid?"
"Oh, I am," Steve admitted. "I'm fuckin' shittin' my pants here! There're thousands of wildlings about to overrun us! 'Course I'm afraid!"
"How did you manage to kill a White Walker while being afraid?" Snot asked.
"Well, when I did that, I wasn't myself," Steve explained. "I was nothing, and when you're nothing, there's nothing to be afraid of. I'm afraid now because I'm not nothing anymore."
An arrow zoomed past his head then, barely missing him! Tormund, Ygritte, and the other wildlings who had climbed the Wall were attacking the south gate. Toshi grabbed a war horn and sounded two more blasts, signaling the brothers on top of the Wall.
Alliser Thorne heard the horn. He turned to Janos Slynt beside him. "Looks like we've got a surprise attack," he said. "I'm goin' down to deal with this. You take charge up here."
Down below, Tormund and his men charged the gate, while Ygritte, acting as a sniper, managed to pick off several defenders with her bow. None of them were major characters though.
Snot was firing a crossbow. Steve tried to help by loading another crossbow, but Snot's aim was poor due to inexperience and nerves so he ended up repeatedly missing his shots. The band of wildlings managed to reach Castle Black's walls and began scaling them using grappling hooks and ropes, forcing Steve, Snot, and Toshi to retreat.
Steve and his friends met Alliser Thorne down in the courtyard. Thorne had brought reinforcements.
"Brothers!" said Thorne. "A hundred generations have defended this castle. She has never fallen before and she will not fall tonight. Those are Thenns on our walls, they eat the flesh of those they kill! Do you want to fill the belly of a Thenn tonight? Tonight, we fight! An' when the sun rises, I promise you, Castle Black will stand! The Night's Watch will stand! With me now, now with me!"
North of the Wall, the massive wildling army emerged from the woods, their numbers including gnomes, Manotaurs, and giants riding atop mammoths. They charged toward the outer gate.
Janos Slynt was terrified by the sight of the army. He was really just a glorified cop; he had no experience of battle. Stewie, in Brian's body, could see that Slynt was fumbling his orders. So, he had Brian jog over to Slynt and tell him, "Hey, Thorne needs you down below."
Janos believed the lie and left, allowing Stewie to take command of the Wall's defenses. "All right! Do you want to live to see tomorrow? Draw!" he shouted with Brian's voice.
The men on the Wall began raining down arrows on the wildlings below. Stewie fired twice as many arrows as anybody else, and he didn't miss a single shot!
"Wow, Brian," said a guy next to him. "Last time I saw you, you couldn't hit nothin'!"
Down in the courtyard, the battle raged between the wildlings and the Night's Watch. Thorne was locked in combat with Tormund. Ygritte was taking down numerous black brothers with her arrows. Steve saw a Thenn coming at him. He desperately attempted to load his crossbow and managed to fire it off just before the Thenn reached him.
Meanwhile, Janos Slynt was looking for a place to hide, like a coward. He came upon the storage room where Gilly was. Hodor was guarding the door, but Slynt growled, "Out of my way, you big oaf!"
Steve had told Hodor not to let any wildlings in, but he didn't say anything about other black brothers. So Hodor held the door open and let Janos in. When he got in, he saw Gilly. "Well, well, well," he said. "What do we have here?"
Back up on the Wall, Stewie and the other defenders had managed to repel most of the wildlings attacking the outer gate, even the giants. But now the gnomes were entering the fray. They had been lingering at the back of the army until this point, but now they were gathering together and climbing on top of each other to form one big gnome, bigger than any giant.
Dipper sighed. "See, that's why you should have been worried about gnomes."
"Brian can't hear you now," Mabel reminded him.
The gnome monster smashed the outer gate with its fists, greatly weakening it. Then it started to lift the gate up. Stewie knew the inner gate would be no match for the massive giant. "Take that thing out!" he commanded his men. The brothers on the Wall started shooting at the gnome monster. A few gnomes were hit by arrows and fell to the ground, but that didn't seem to weaken the monster much.
Then the gnome monster raised its enormous arms and started shaking them, sending gnomes flying at the defenders. One of them landed on Dipper and started scratching at his face! Mabel punched the gnome, and he lost his hold on Dipper and fell over the Wall, taking Dipper's hat with him.
"Thanks, Mabel," said Dipper.
"Drop the scythe!" Stewie ordered.
A huge section of ice suddenly fell away from the Wall, revealing a massive anchor-like blade attached to a chain that swung along the Wall. It hit the gnome monster head on, scattering gnomes in every direction. Dipper and Mabel feared the gnomes would reform the monster again, but they didn't. Any gnomes that could get to their feet were running off in all directions. That pretty much put paid to any plans for attacking the Wall.
Then Steve appeared. "We need more help down in the courtyard!" he said.
"I'll be right with you," Stewie said. He made Brian exchange his bow for a sword and walk over to the lift.
The battle was still going on down in the courtyard when Stewie, still in Brian's body, came charging into the fight. But then a thing happened that was bad and not good. Stewie realized he was losing control of Brian. He must have been too far away. He tried desperately to stay inside Brian, but it was no good. Next thing he knew he was back in his own body again, sitting in his wheelchair atop the Wall.
Brian blinked as he came to himself. A wildling named Styr was running toward him. Brian frantically raised his sword to block Styr's attack, but Styr hit it with a sword of his own, disarming Brian. Then he picked Brian up and tossed him across the courtyard. Brian faceplanted on a blacksmith's anvil that was lying on the ground.
Styr walked over to Brian and wrapped his hands around Brian's throat. Brian felt the life draining out of him…
But then he coughed, spraying Styr's face with blood. Styr let go of Brian and took a step backward. He put his hands up to his face, trying to wipe the blood out of his eyes. While he was distracted, Brian picked up the hammer next to the anvil. He knew he'd only get one shot at this. He closed his eyes and swung…
And buried the hammer in Styr's skull!
He heard a sound behind him. He spun round to see Ygritte pointing an arrow at him.
He smiled at her. She hesitated, unwilling to shoot.
Before either could say anything, someone else shot Ygritte with another arrow. She collapsed.
Brian knelt in the snow beside her. "Brian Griffin," she said, very softly. "Is this a proper castle now? Not just a tower?"
"It is." Brian took her hand.
"Good," she whispered. "I wanted t'see one proper castle, before… before I…"
"You'll see a hundred castles," he promised her. "The battle's done. Maester Aemon will see to you. You're not going to die, Ygritte."
"Oh." Ygritte cupped his cheek with her other hand. "You know nothing, Brian Griffin," she sighed, dying.
