Episode 44 - Rumble in the Geofront
An almost Old West-style staredown had fallen upon the two sides on the battlefield, each one holding back the tiniest twitch to make the first move. Off to the side, an orchestra had gathered and was playing a Morricone-like score building up to the first draw. Cobra Queen's snakes, coincidentally, threw in some rattling noises to go with the shots of folks inching their fingers to their holsters (or quivers, in a couple of cases).
Finally, some of the mercs held their weapons up; unfortunately for them, the Huntsman and Boa-Magnon were quicker on the draw. Faster than anyone could say "Heels, starring Stephen Amell, coming soon to Starz", the two archers had let loose a number of arrows that lodged themselves right into the barrels of each merc's rifle, just as they pulled the triggers.
*BAM!*
As soon as the smoke cleared, the next thing those mercs knew, they were covered in soot and holding completely ruined weapons in their hands. Freakazoid and friends took advantage of their foes' surprise and charged forward, and the fisticuffs truly began.
Vorn the Unspeakable flew in front of a group of mercs as they aimed their (non-ruined) weapons at him, only for him to snatch them out of their hands and crumple them up as if they were tin foil. He then advanced on the now-frightened mercs, who for some reason started to think of the notorious film flop Waterworld as they looked upon the monster warrior's face.
"Wh-what are you?!" the squad leader asked fearfully.
Vorn spread his wings before he answered. "I am VORN the Unspeakable-many an army has fallen before my might across the breadth of many lands, begging for mercy, though I offered none...And you are?"
The squad leader and those under him briefly traded looks, swallowed nervously, and then looked back at Vorn.
"Not being paid enough to deal with this kind of stuff!" the squad leader replied as he and his men turned tail and ran. A satisfied smirk under the tentacles on his face, Vorn then turned his attention to another group of mercs and started clobbering them alongside Longhorn.
"Mess with th' bull, ya get ME!" Longhorn said as he threw a merc into another 10, a graphic at the top of the screen accompanied by a buzzer indicating that he got a strike with that toss.
In Bo-Ron's corner of the battlefield, a number of mercs had climbed up on top of him, trying to force him to the ground. Unfortunately, he proved to be very indifferent to their efforts, as he waddled across the battlefield knocking mercs left and right, either with a wave of his arms or a thrust of his large gut. They didn't even impede his taking a quick drink of soda and crushing the can against his forehead.
In another area, Boa-Magnon (along with her giant snake) and the Huntsman held off their own gaggle of mercs using their respective skills with the quarterstaff; the former's parents, Cave Guy and Cobra Queen, were holding their own quite capably, with the former giving some an introduction to his brute strength and old-fashioned club, and the latter knocking out others with her martial arts skills and the aid of her two giant snakes, who either whipped them aside with their tails or squeezed them into submission.
A group of mercs, in another spot, surrounded the Lawn Gnomes and took aim. Instead of recoiling in fear, the pint-size foursome merely grinned and pulled out from behind their persons some weapons 'borrowed' from Nerdator II's ship, proceeding to then disintegrate the mercs' own weapons with the fittingly-named disintegrator rifles. Upon doing a bit of a double-take from the Gnomes to the empty air they now held in their still-gripping hands, the mercs quickly fled in the other direction, the Lawn Gnomes shooting at them as they gave chase.
Over in another part of the battlefield, Lord Bravery was dealing with another contingent of mercs, as he beat them back with many a dignified-looking punch or throw. His problem was that many would replace the few he'd managed to take down, and it was getting a trifle annoying to him. Briefly eyeing the ceiling of the Geofront's interior, specifically some wreckage near the edge of the nearest opening, gave him a solution. He turned to face the mercs that had aimed a rocket launcher at him, and let a confident grin appear on his face.
"I do believe it's time we ended this dance, don't you think?" the British superhero asked rhetorically, before holding a hand to his mouth. "Oh, gentlemen!"
On hearing that, suddenly a quartet of identical, cartoony-looking English bobbies appeared as an orchestra began to play in the background with a very Gilbert and Sullivan-like melody. Lord Bravery then pulled out a conductor's baton from his sash and began waving it, giving the bobbies their cue. One of them took out a pitch pipe and blew into it briefly, kicking off their song-or rather, Lord Bravery's theme song:
Heeeeeeee feels no pain!
He can fly quite fast!
In feats of strength,
he is un-sur-passed!
His grip is firm,
never qua-ver-y!
Britannia's superhero,
he's Lord Bravery!
Lord Bray-ver-y!
Lord Bray-ver-y!
Lord Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy-veeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr-
As the bobbies' pitch climbed higher and higher, the dumbfounded mercs noticed the sound of something cracking and looked upwards.
-yyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Unfortunately for those mercs, they had little time to react properly, as the pile of wreckage Lord Bravery had spotted earlier, shaken loose by the vibrations emitted from the bobbies' voices, proceeded to fall on top of them, taking them out of the fight. Lord Bravery looked at his buried, groaning foes, the grin still on his face.
"How's THAT for a smashing 'final smash'?" he asked rhetorically again. He then turned to face us. "You've no idea how good it feels to not be on the receiving end of that for once."
Elsewhere on the battlefield, Asuka (in Unit-02), having seen all that while dealing with some of the enemy VTOLs, was utterly bewildered by what just occurred.
"Huh. Beaten by a theme song," she noted, a sweat drop next to her head. "That's gotta do a number on your self-esteem..."
The bridge...
The bewildered mood also hung on the bridge among the staff. It was then that Maya noticed Makoto typing on his keyboard at a fast pace.
"What're you doing?" she asked, one eyebrow arched.
"Oh, just preserving some of this footage for posterity," Makoto replied. "I mean seriously, who else is going to believe we were saved by a blue caveman, a snake lady, an English centurion, a Robin Hood impersonator, an alien, four garden gnomes, a watered-down Lovecraftian horror, and a trucker minotaur-IN ADDITION to two superheroes?"
Maya blinked on hearing all that, and then nodded in agreement. "Good point." Upon looking back at her monitor, her eyes went wide with surprise. "We've got movement at one of the side entrances!"
Misato and Roddy looked to a larger monitor and saw a small group of mercs having just made their way inside, having broken off from the larger group to attempt a breach, which proved successful. Misato immediately went to her headset.
"Shinji! Pass this along to Freakazoid!" she said.
The Geofront interior, that moment...
After hearing Misato's message, Shinji turned on Unit-01's speakers while simultaneously having the EVA hold one armored vehicle in place, even as the driver kept pouring on the gas.
"Freakazoid!" he shouted. "We've got a breach! Some of the mercs just got inside!"
Freakazoid heard this while he was taking on a few mercs alongside Freakazette. He quickly shouted towards Unit-01 in response. "Don't worry about it! That's what Kusagabe's for!"
The bridge...
Suddenly, the doors to the bridge were forced open and the small squad of mercs entered, weapons at the ready. Misato warily kept her hand at her holster, while Roddy got into a fighting stance.
Kusagabe, on the other hand, simply faced the mercs and pointed his right finger at them.
"HEY! CUT IT OUT!" he ordered sternly.
Surprisingly, the mercs complied and lowered their weapons, unsure of what compelled them to do that. Not surprisingly, the NERV staffers were quite astonished at what they just witnessed.
"How the heck did he do that?" Misato asked Roddy in a whisper.
"Lass, if he's anythin' like me friend Cosgrove, it's better not ta know," the Scotsman replied.
At that moment, Ritsuko nodded towards Maya. "Secret weapon time," she whispered.
"Got it," Maya said as she quietly reached under her desk. She then quickly stood up and held up a certain jar, and proceeded to swiftly unscrew the lid. "Sic 'em, Leiliel!"
On hearing that, the tiny Angel floated out of the jar and towards the stunned mercs. Those that interacted with the tamed Angel knew very well that it wasn't going to let them harm its newfound friends (and providers of delicious food), no siree. Leiliel promptly opened a portal beneath the mercs' feet, into which they fell screaming with surprise. Leiliel then closed the portal and floated back into the jar.
"Where'd Leiliel send them to?" Misato asked.
Ritsuko and Maya eyed each other briefly before one of them answered her.
"You don't want to know," Maya said.
Undisclosed location, a minute or so later...
A portal opened and deposited the screaming mercs into what looked like a TV set modeled after a preschool classroom. Confused, the mercs looked around at their new environment, only to gaze in horror as they discovered they weren't alone. Standing opposite them was a man in an orange dinosaur costume with turquoise highlights, and a big grin on his face. The 'dinosaur' chuckled in a goofy voice before he spoke.
"Well hey there!" the dinosaur greeted cheerfully. "We're going to have so much supery-dupery fantabulous fun! Will you be my special friends?"
The mercs then looked at each other briefly before screaming in absolute terror.
Geofront interior...
EVA Units-01 through 03 were doing pretty well at keeping the armor vehicles and VTOLs at bay, Unit-02 in particular knocking them out of the sky with an ACME giant-size progressive fly swatter. Thankfully, like any good enemy trooper written for a Saturday morning viewing audience, the merc pilots were able to eject and parachute themselves to safety.
-X-
The scene briefly cut to a shot of an old woman wearing a dark blue dress with pink polka-dots and white frills, who looked somewhat like a cross between Nancy Reagan and Phyllis Schafly. She sat behind a desk, and behind her on the wall hung the following objects: a chainsaw, a small axe, a pair of garden shears, some scissors, and a small kitchen knife. In the center was a framed sign that said Network Censor.
"Hello there, kiddies!" she greeted. "I am the Network Censor, here to assure all of our young readers out there that NO ONE was hurt in the previous scene. Everyone is A-OH-KAY!"
The minute she finished, an anvil fell on top of her all of a sudden, with her lips still visible where the bottom of the anvil met the desktop.
"...Including me," the Network Censor got out before the anvil tipped over on the desk's edge and flattened her further. On reflex, her feet sprang up from behind the desk, showing some rather drab shoes and socks she was wearing.
-X-
Meanwhile, on the ground, Freakazoid and friends were just mopping up with the mercs, with each one trounced and then tossed onto the ever-growing, ever-moaning pile of their defeated comrades. Those who didn't want to stick around promptly fled out of the Geofront with the utmost haste.
"That pretty much takes care of this bunch," the Huntsman said as he threw his latest opponent onto the pile.
"Yeah," Freakazette said. "Though I've got a feeling we're not done yet."
Famous last words...Mayumi warned.
The bridge, that moment...
A pinging alerted Shigeru at his station, and when he looked at the screen, his eyes went wide.
"Radar's picked up nine bogies closing in!" he reported alarmingly. "Specifications classify them as EVA carriers and a single VTOL craft leading them!"
"Oh boy," Misato said warily. "Looks like the storm's made landfall." She then patched her comms into the speaker system throughout the Geofront. "Attention! Attention! The Mass Production Evangelions have arrived! Get ready, you're gonna be in for the fight of your lives!"
The Geofront interior...
All eyes turned towards the sound of aircraft getting closer to the large hole in the Geofront ceiling. Soon, the EVA series, Units-06 through 14, deployed from their respective individual carriers and made their descent, gliding down to the floor with their wings, each carrying their respective dual-blade weapon. When all of them touched down, they stood by as a lone VTOL craft landed ahead of them onto a nearby helipad. The door to the craft opened, and out stepped Gutierrez, wearing a gray power suit underneath a tan long coat. He was accompanied by Jocko, his short, balding, bespectacled, nearly-inarticulate henchman; he wore a blue short-sleeved collared shirt, black slacks, and gray loafers.
Gutierrez chose that moment to take a big whiff of the air around him. "Aaahhh, the smell of battle," he said, "how I've waited fifteen years for this moment." With a nod, he had Jocko press a button to activate the VTOL's music player, which soon began playing the notes of Mussorgsky's "A Night on Bald Mountain". Gutierrez smirked at the atmosphere he was creating with those sounds...until it vanished when the music suddenly changed into a song by Wham!:
Wake me up, before you go-go!
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo!
Wake me up, before you go-go!
I don't want to miss it when you hit that high!
Gutierrez furrowed his brow and glared at Jocko. "Jocko..." he started to ask, slight frustration in his voice, "did you record over the 'triumphant intimidation mix' I had compiled for this very occasion?"
"Heeeee..." Jocko replied as he shrugged his shoulders, a sheepish expression on his face.
Wake me up, before you go-go!
'Cause I'm not planning on going so-lo!
Wake me up, before you go-go!
Take me dancing tonight!
On the battlefield and on the bridge, almost everyone became completely befuddled and confused, all thanks to the abrupt change in tone that came with Jocko's little error. Even the Mass Production EVAs exchanged confused looks with one another, as if they wondered just what it was they signed up for.
I wanna hit that hiiiiiiiiiigh!
Yeah, yeah!
To be continued...
**Author's Note(s)**
Nearly there, folks, just a little bit more...
The opening scene pays tribute to the late, great movie maestro Ennio Morricone, who passed away this year after a decades-long career, highlights of which include his musical mark being left on many a spaghetti western starring Clint Eastwood.
The bit with the exploding guns is borrowed from the omake of chapter 17 of Mike313's "Superwomen of EVA 2: The Magic Touch". The mention of the TV show coming to Starz refers to the upcoming pro wrestling-themed drama Heels, starring Stephen Amell, who famously played Oliver Queen/Green Arrow in the long-running superhero show Arrow.
The mention of the Kevin Costner flop film Waterworld calls back to Vorn's debut episode, where the irate neighbor of Waylon Jeepers compares gazing into Vorn's face to having to watch Waterworld for a month.
Bo-Ron's fight with the mercs riffs on how little to no effect the average Joe has against Mongo in Mel Brooks's Blazing Saddles.
Lord Bravery defeats his group of mercs using his very theme song, which in his segments would tend to bury him under rubble in the opening sequence before his shorts. His 'final smash' line was inspired by a YouTube comment I saw on an upload of said sequence.
Leiliel sends the mercs that breach HQ tumbling onto the set of "The Baloney the Dinosaur Show", another semi-recurring spoof from Animaniacs.
The Network Censor (voiced by Paul Rugg) was a caricature who appeared in the segments "Mo-Ron" and "Joe's Very Own Story" as a send-up of conservative critics of television programming who either complained about or apologized for the violence in the show, only to be invariably crushed by an anvil.
Gutierrez's arrival on the battlefield and the musical shenanigans that ensue is a takeoff on a scene from the climax of season seven, episode eight of The Simpsons, "Mother Simpson", with Gutierrez filling in for Mr. Burns, Jocko in place of Smithers, "A Night on Bald Mountain" replacing "Ride of the Valkyries", and "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" standing in for "Waterloo" by ABBA. Ironically enough, the production team on "Mother Simpson" actually wanted to use "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" only to discover the licensing rights were too expensive, causing them to use "Waterloo" instead.
