Chapter 52 – Well that was Unexpected OC P.O.V
He was alive! It had worked.
Prime was currently steaming through the ocean aboard the USS John. C Stennis. I lay under a blanket of stars on our beach and could not keep the goofy grin off my face. My ''spark'' felt light and as though it was racing. I felt a sense of ''happiness'' and excitement course through me. It was both similar and yet very different experiencing emotions in my current state – as a ''Transformer''. /Well, we don't even know if I can transform yet. I have not had the opportunity to explore that much about my new form/. I had a feeling I could given my effort with my own version of a battle mask but as to what I would change into – I had no idea!
As I lay under the stars I wondered if Prime himself was somehow gazing upon them and thinking of me? A brilliant burst of light streaked across the sky as a shooting star faded away. I refrained from making a wish. My wish had already come true, I did not intend to be greedy. Just the night before I had begged the cosmos and made a most fervent wish to please bring Optimus back to us – to me. And now he was on his way back here to me.
/What is he going to think of you? Will he be okay with your new form or will he be disgusted and repulsed? Maybe your friendship, as strong as it is or was, may not survive this change?/. My sabotaging thoughts fired away at me, trying to unnerve me and make me crumble in self-doubt.
I gave a loud snort and said out loud to no one in particular, ''Don't be so stupid OC! The Prime you knew and cared for would never be so shallow as to abandon you based on your appearance. Give him more credit than that.'' However, the thought that our friendship might now change as a result of this, ''event'', gnawed at me silently. ''Of course, it stands to reason that it has to change, you're a fucking robot now not a human.'' I reproached myself for my stupidity.
All at once my conversation with Rachet and the ''Pandora's Box'' he opened about Prime and I came flooding into my processor. I had challenged him on the fact we couldn't possibly have feelings deeper than friendship as we were two different species. I heard Rachet's voice echo in my thoughts, /'WERE! OC, by some bizarre twist of fate, you are now a Transformer! For better or worse, you are no longer a human''/.
I lay there staring at my stars, mulling over the term, ''For better or for worse''. At this point in time, it was hard to say exactly what impact this ''change'' would have on me and my life – /bloody massive I'd hazard a guess though/. As for Prime and I and our friendship, again, it was too early to tell what impact this significant change would have. /I imagine at the very least it will make giving him a hug easier!/. I laughed out loud at the thought.
The number of times I felt so frustrated because I wanted to give Prime a hug to show affection and thanks and I was reduced to patting his chest plate. Mind you, being a human, I could and likely did get away with hugging ''The Prime'', as part of our squishy, organic culture. As a Transformer, I did not know if it would be welcomed or frowned upon. Given I had never seen Prime or any of his soldiers ''embrace'' in a show of friendship or something more ''amorous'' made me lean towards it perhaps being taboo or frowned upon. /Then again, he did have a partner, a spark bonded - Elita 1. So I would assume they must have had some sort of intimate contact – perhaps hugging was part of it?/.
I sighed out loud and once again, engaging the evening air with a rhetorical discussion, ''Never assume anything as it makes an ass out of u and me. Wish I had have asked Jazz or Rachet more questions along those lines – then again who would have guessed this would have happened!''
My stomach, or ''tanks'' felt as though they twinged or rumbled. /Must be time to refuel on some energon/. The thought made my dermas twist in disgust. Now THAT was definitely a negative to my change. Energon was so damn tasteless! The thought of never again being able to drink Pepsi Max or eat chocolate was almost enough to make me wish I had not survived the process of touching the Allspark – almost!
I sighed out loud yet again. /A human habit I would likely to hold on to/. I decided to head back to Med Bay to refuel and recharge – or at least try to. Prime and the others should be arriving late tomorrow afternoon and I wanted to be ready. Standing up from the grassy ground, I stretched up towards my stars, feeling my cables and wires pull and various gears, cogs and pistons move. It was both kinda cool and definitely freaky at the same time to think how my ''body'' had changed. I don't think it had truly sunk in yet but for now, I was rolling with the punches.
I took one last look at the night sky and turned for the Med Bay.
Later that evening...
He was here!
I could hear him as he greeted Rachet. That voice, that deep, rolling baritone voice broke upon me like a wave, flooding me with joy. My spark was racing a million miles an hour, trying to leap out of my chest. Every circuit in my body felt electrified with nervous tension. /For fuck sake! HURRY UP RACHET!/. It was all I could do to stay ''hidden'' in my little recovery room.
Rachet and I had thought it best Prime be the first to see me and that we reunite in the privacy of these rooms. We didn't want to overwhelm everyone else with my ''transformation'' straight away. Rachet and I had also carefully avoided discussing and addressing why it should be Prime first and why we needed to be alone – it was just a mutual decision.
I heard Prime urge Rachet out of the way, ''Rachet, as long as she is well and unharmed, I am not concerned as to what changes have taken place. I am quite prepared. Let me pass please, I need to see her.'' My spark beat even faster if that were possible. The fact he sounded almost desperate to see me made me think for a brief moment, perhaps there was truth to Rachet's observations. /Perhaps…/. I dismissed the thought as I heard heavy pedes move towards me.
Rachet almost laughed, ''Oh, I doubt you are prepared Prime but nevertheless, come this way.'' I closed my optics. /Oh, I KNOW you are not prepared Prime, nothing could prepare you for what you are about to see. Please, please don't hate me!/.
As the heavy pedes draw inexorably closer, I felt myself trying to both run away and run towards them. I mentally slapped myself and took a deep breath, leaning against the berth in the room. I folded my arms over my chest and fixed my gaze on the door. /Calm OC. Be calm. It's just Prime, your friend. What are you working yourself up for?/. I heard Rachet's voice just outside the door. 'She is in there Prime. I'll leave you two alone.''
/Just. ''Breathe''/.
I closed my optics for a final time and when I opened them again, there he stood. His large frame filling the doorway, those amazing azure optics focused solely on me, taking me in. Though I could tell he was perplexed and taken aback by the ''stranger'' who stood before him, I had no such difficulty in recognising him. I could not hold back my emotions any longer and I let out a shout of sheer joy and happiness at having my dearest friend returned to me. ''OPTIMUS!'' I closed the distance between us in one huge step, bringing my arms out to engulf him in a hug, though at the last second, I thought better of the action and managed to place them on his shoulders instead.
My optics darted about his face. I had thought I would never see him again, so I drank the sight of him in, committing him to memory. He did not withdraw from me, but neither did he seem to understand who it was who addressed him so familiarly. He was almost frozen. I reached a servo out to tentatively lay it against his helm, as if making sure he was indeed standing right before me and not just a willing figment of my imagination. My servo felt solid, warm metal under it. I closed my optics in silent thanks. ''You're really here, you're alive.. I… thought.. I.'' I had to open my optics again to look at him as the next words tumbled out of my dermas. I cycled deeply and absentmindedly traced a digit down his faceplate, ''I thought I'd lost you too.'' God, how I wanted to cry in relief!
He continued to stare at me, his optics searching mine. At my touch he raised his servo and captured mine, holding it in place while he processed all that was unfolding before him. This simple contact between us, my servo on his face, his holding mine, this new intimacy, burned like fire and ice. Addictive and unnerving.
I continued to hold his gaze, unwilling and unable to look away. His optics, which had darted about my face, searching for some recognition, came to light on my optics again. It was then I saw him start to notice. My optics remained the same colour they had been when I was human. Brown with flecks of gold in them. I tried to show him who I was as I gazed back into his azure pools.
All at once, it dawned on him, I saw the change in his features as he finally came to realise and accept who I was. His voice, usually so strong and sure, was barely a whisper, as if he thought the moment would shatter if he spoke too loudly, and I would disappear. ''OC, it's you. You…'' I closed my optics as I let his words flow over and through me, placing my other servo on his helm. I felt myself tremble slightly as he covered my servos with his. After a moment, I opened my optics to gaze upon him, his helm bowed in silent relief, his optics closed as he, like I had a moment ago, seemed to struggle to contain strong emotions swirling inside him.
I allowed a small smile to form on my dermas. ''Yes Prime, it is me.'' I took a step closer, so our chassis were almost touching, and gently, tentatively, placed my helm against his chest above his spark. I moved my servos to rest over his windscreens and on his shoulder struts. Giving a soft sigh, I could not help confiding to him, ''I have wanted to be able to do this to you for so long and now I can!''
It was in that moment that something truly bizarre and somewhat unnerving happened between us. A wave of energy, almost a ''pulse'', seemed to travel between us. /OH MY GOD I HURT HIM!/. I gasped and took a step back, my faceplates clearly showing my concern and fear, ''I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?''
Prime seemed to recover quicker than I and shook his helm, trying to reassure me. ''NO! No, you did not hurt me, quite the opposite.''
/Quite the opposite? So… that… whatever it was….felt good? Was a good thing?/. I stood there unsure what to do or what to make of the situation as Prime was not forthcoming on any more details or explanation. He seemed to simply be staring at me, focused and intent, lost in his own thoughts. I wrapped my arms about myself and allowed my optics to take in his figure, finally truly noticing his badly damaged frame as if ''seeing'' him for the first time.
My dermas twisted in distress and I could not stop myself from bringing one of my servos up to try and cover a loud sob. ''Oh Prime! Look at what they did to you…'' my voice trailed off as I tried not to think of the harsh and brutal punishment he must have received, the pain he must have felt and the fact I was not there to help him.
My reaction to his appearance must have roused him from his own reveries as he stepped towards me and somewhat cautiously and carefully, pulled me towards him, embracing me. As I felt his large, powerful arms wrap around me, I felt so safe and so relieved that he was indeed alive and able to hold me, that I rested my face against his chest plates.
I felt my spark radiate warmth and joy as I heard his words drift down to me, ''Shh.. OC. Despite my appearance, I assure you I am well. All the better for knowing you are alive and well and standing right before me, in my arms.'' I could not contain the grin as I leant into him, desperate to be as close as possible. I felt his chin gently rest atop my helm and his hold on me tighten, as he spoke again, ''You have not lost me; I am here where I belong.''
I felt my spark swell and almost burst with such happiness, joy, affection, contentedness…love? In that moment there truly was nothing and no one else in my world. This feeling between us, whatever it may be, felt so right and so true there could no longer be any denying….
I suddenly felt bereft of warmth and comfort as Prime quickly extracted himself from our embrace, breaking contact with me as though some sort of switch had been flipped inside him. It was as though he had heard my thoughts and had found them ''distasteful'' or ''undesirable''. /What else could have made him suddenly retreat like that?/.
I could not contain my confusion and hurt as I raised my optical ridge questioning him, ''Optimus? What's wrong? Are you okay?'' I tried to reach out to him to re-establish some form of contact between us, but he seemed to almost take a step back away from my touch, as the thought of it repulsed him, but at the last second, he accepted my offered servo and gave it a gentle squeeze of reassurance. The gesture seemed in total contrast to the intimate physical contact we had mere seconds before. My processor reeled as it tried to account for the sudden change in his actions, his manner.
His deep voice broke the silence. ''Nothing OC, I'm fine, just… tired. Perhaps I overestimated my energy reserves. You must be feeling the same. We have both had quite an extraordinary few days between us and perhaps we should rest and take it easy to recover and adapt to… the changes in our lives.'' He tried to send me a reassuring smile and gave my servo a quick squeeze again before releasing it.
I simply stood there staring at him in quiet consideration, tilting my helm as I did so. Once again, he seemed to just stand there, lost in thought. /He does not like you; he is trying to think of a way to distance himself from you without hurting your feelings/. I tried to stop the negative, self-depreciating thoughts from flooding through me, but I might sooner have held back the tide.
I did not want to let him know how I felt, so I pretended that I thought he was hiding something. ''Right. I don't entirely buy it Prime, but I cannot argue your comment on the whole ''extraordinary days and adapting to changes'' line of reasoning.'' I ex-vented heavily trying to rid myself of the pain and embarrassment that threatened to overwhelm me. ''I guess seeing me like this would have been a massive shock for you, something that requires processing and adapting to.'' I tried to remain devoid of emotion. ''I should not have forced myself on you so quickly, I was just so happy to see you again,'' There was a slight chill to my voice and I almost couldn't speak for the strong emotions raging through me as I almost told him how I thought I felt, ''I missed you and I…. I'm sorry.'' I began to move past him to stalk out the door and remove myself from this situation, but he prevented me from leaving, grabbing my arm as I made to walk past him.
''OC! Please,'' he all but begged.
I paused, though I did not look at him, I was too angry, hurt and confused. /FUCK SAKE PRIME! MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!/.
Once again, he seemed to read my mind. ''Do not be angry or upset by my reaction just now. I do not want to overwhelm you. Yes, I will not lie to you. Seeing you like this,'' he gestured to me with his other servo, ''is indeed a surprise and wholly unexpected. But it is not an unpleasant one.'' I turned my helm slightly to look at him then as he continued. ''We both, indeed all of us, I imagine, will have to take some time adapting to this change, you especially. But do not for one astrosecond think I am not overjoyed to see you again and have you back in my life, to be back in your life.'' His voice, laced with emotion, lowered, ''I missed you too OC, more than you know.'' His optics shone brightly, and he tightened his grasp on my arm. ''Please believe me on this.''
I wanted to scream at him, hit him. First, he goes and dies on me leaving me alone, in a body I do not know to navigate a life I do not understand. Then, by some miracle, he comes back to me, makes me feel as though I am important and special to him, almost as though I am ''loved.'' Then in the same breath he pushes me away and is almost repulsed by me, only to once again reach for me and tell me how much he missed me and cares for me. /Maybe all these years fighting in a Godforsaken war, dying and coming back to life has finally sent him mad?/.
I searched his optics for a moment. Our ''relationship,'' our friendship was indeed now different. Something had changed, between us. /Pandora's Box indeed/. Still, I cared for him, deeply. I would weather countless storms to keep him in my life. I did not understand fully what was changing between us, I did not want to examine too closely what my feelings truly were, but I just knew, I had to have Prime in my life in some capacity.
I ex-haled softly, defeated by my own loyalty and stubbornness. Prime released my arm but did not look away from me. I turned my brown and gold flecked optics to stare into his azure ones. ''Okay Prime. I believe you.'' I smiled weakly at him trying to change the subject. ''I think you should go and see Rachet and start the process of being repaired.'' I could not help making the baited comment as I felt my old sense of humour kick in, ''You look like shit.''
He gave a small grunt and allowed a smile to form on his dermas, 'You dare be impertinent towards a Prime?''
I returned a smile of recognition at the recollection of a similar conversation we had in what seemed a lifetime ago. ''Dare? I just was''. My optics shone and I let out a small laugh as I felt some of the tension dissipate between us, ''Come on Prime, I'll go with you.''
He held up a servo, ''That won't be necessary OC, I..'' he started to argue.
I placed my servos on my hips preparing to counter argue. ''Prime, I know your little secret about not being fond of visiting the doctors,'' and I watched as he flinched a little, ''and besides, it's the least I can do after you stayed by my side when I was sick.'' I smiled in a sweet yet challenging way.
He ex-vented deeply and shook his helm. ''New body or not, you are still the same OC.''
At his words, my expression changed slightly, and a small, sad smile formed for a moment. ''Just remember that Prime.'' He nodded his helm almost imperceptibly in acknowledgment. I allowed another smile to grace my dermas. ''Come on. No doubt Rachet will be wondering where you are and what I have done to you.'' I gestured to the doorway and for him to follow me, which he did after a moment's hesitation. /Maybe he is thinking about running away?/.
As we walked down the corridor towards the operating room and Rachet's form milling about, I could almost sense Prime's hesitation and fear radiating from him. I turned and smiled at him, reaching out to grab his servo in mine to help calm him. He seemed to appreciate the gesture.
''Hey Doc, your two thirty appointment is here to see you,'' I called out to Rachet as we entered the room. As I saw Rachet about to turn I released Prime's servo. /No need to add fuel to a non-existent fire/.
Rachet turned to face us. ''Ahh… good. I was beginning to think you two had gotten lost back there,'' you could almost hear the smile in his voice. Rachet pointed to the large Transformer sized gurney. ''Come on Prime, you know the drill.''
''And the spanner and the wrench and the….'' I could not help making the jokes at Prime's expense. Though I felt bad, a part of me also felt he deserved it.
I had to stifle a laugh as I heard Prime, the ever patient leader, speak with slight irritation. ''You know OC, I was not so unsympathetic and flippant when you were in this position not so long ago.'' I grasped his servo as he laid down preparing for Rachet to see to his wounds.
Quick as a flash I shot back, ''Well I was unconscious so I wouldn't know if you were or weren't being flippant, and I guess you missed your chance Prime,'' I smiled at the pouting face before me. I could not help bringing my other servo up to gently caress his face as I thought how close we came to losing him forever. How close I came. All traces of anger and hurt over our ''misunderstanding'' blew away as dust in the wind. 'I'm sorry. Don't worry Prime. I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay right here by your side; I won't leave you.''
I felt him tighten his grip on my servo and a wry smile formed on his dermas, ''I'll hold you to that OC,'' he rumbled softly. For a moment, as Rachet administered the sedative and Prime hovered on the edge of consciousness, we were both back in that ''moment''. Where there was just the two of us, lost in each other's presence, giving and receiving comfort, seeking and finding redemption.
As I stood there holding his servo watching him drift into unconsciousness, I was powerless to stop the small, hopeful thought from taking seed in the depths of my processor and spark. /Perhaps I do love him…. And maybe, just maybe he loves me too. It's not impossible/.
Afterall, stranger things have happened – I was proof of that.
