CHAPTER 72:

What's stopping you?


"Thanks again, Ed."

"No problem! If it breaks again, you know where we are," Jay's father responded to the other man.

The next thing the young Walker knew was that he was helping his dad gather up all their tools and making the way back home together.

They had spent the day helping out a neighbor whose rooftop had partly collapsed. It was at times like this that everyone appreciated having a pair of handymen like the Walkers living in the city. With the help of a few more friends, they had managed to fix the building pretty decently, at least it would hold on until they could gather better materials to reinforce the structure.

Jay walked without putting much thought into the action, his feet moved automatically, following his father's steps. Months ago, he'd be happily chatting up the man to distract their tired bodies until they got home and rested properly. At the current moment though, there was so much on his mind.

He was back in his hometown, he was back to the daily strolls, back to fixing furniture, back to his family, to his perfect humble life.

Why didn't it feel perfect anymore?

He was no longer hiding secrets from those who mattered to him, Jay could be himself —for the most part. His parents were okay with his newfound sexuality, they were also fine with the fact that their child swooned at the thought of the unachievable Maharaja, they were there to help him get over this situation once and for all. Yet… it was almost like Jay's heart refused to let go of Kai.

Was this the reason why most people preferred arranged marriages? To avoid all the struggles that came with falling in love with the wrong person?

But who was the wrong person in this issue?

Kai… or Jay?

Someone suddenly bumped against him, or to be more precise, Jay bumped into someone. As his pace had slowed down the deeper his thoughts went, Ed had stopped a few feet ahead and waited for the boy to catch up to him. Before he could do something about it, Jay collided with his father who stared at him with a silly grin on his face.

"You keep falling behind," the man said.

"Uh… It's heavy," Jay said shrugging and pointing at his backpack.

"Let me carry it for a while," the man offered.

"No, dad, I'm fine. Just… slow."

Far from being bothered by the boy's inability at the simplest task, Ed only grinned in return and slowed down his pace so they would stay side by side during the rest of the walk.

"Are you still worried about what you told us the other day?"

Unable to form any clear words, Jay only shrugged in response. Ed's arm went immediately around his shoulders.

"We do love you, son. Don't ever doubt it for a second."

It's not your love I desire though.

Jay's feet stopped functioning for a moment, but he did his best to keep up with their march without his father noticing the tiny hesitation in his step. He couldn't believe how incredibly fast that thought had arisen in his mind —and how precise it felt.

••••••••••••

"There's something else, isn't there?"

Jay blinked with mild surprise. Ed tried not to stare at him too intently and rather give the boy some personal space.

It didn't take a genius to know that Jay had been suffering a lot keeping his attraction towards the sovereign a secret, and then confessing that to his parents. Although Ed and Edna truly didn't mind who Jay had feelings for, they could understand why the boy had been so restless about it. Other parents might have thrown a fit, maybe even hit their child or demand the nearest priest for a cleansing ritual. In the Walker's understanding, however, there was no way that genuine love could turn into sin, it just didn't fit in the nature of such a precious feeling. But despite Jay didn't have to worry about their reaction anymore, something still bothered the kid to very deep levels.

Something that… Ed was starting to suspect.

"N-No, there isn't," Jay replied eventually.

Nonsense.

"Son, if you're anxious about it being spread around, you shouldn't. Your mother and I may love small talk, but we know our boundaries." He tried for, hoping that if Jay felt comfortable enough he would trust them with the whole truth.

"Y-Yeah, yeah, I know…" Jay mumbled, turning his gaze away.

There it was again; that pain, the sorrow looming over the boy like a bearer of bad news.

They walked in silence for the rest of the stroll. When they made it to the scrapyard, Ed went straight to greet his wife with a kiss while Jay just waved at her and lingered behind, organizing the tools and materials stored in the backpack.

"How did it go?" Edna asked the patriarch, and Ed needed a moment to acknowledge the question. His eyes studied the boy further away, languidly moving items to their respective places. Edna joined her husband's examination, and after staring at Jay for a bit, she understood what the man was thinking. "Still nothing?" She asked.

Ed sighed and pushed sweaty hairs away from his face. He shook his head. "He won't let on. What can we do, Edna? It's such a shame seeing someone so young be so depressed."

Edna agreed. Witnessing her kid slowly losing his distinctive chirpiness was an arrow straight to the heart that none of them could stand. Ed watched her biting her lower lip, eyelids fluttering close for a moment before she looked up again and very seriously said, "Come inside, we need to talk."

••••••••••••

It seemed impossible that, after denying himself for so long, Jay had no way to stop those feelings inside of him anymore. Wherever he looked at, whatever he did, everything found a way to remind him of Kai and the guys, of all the things they had gone through; the heartbreaks, the fights, the jokes, the merriness! Even… their intimacy at nights.

Jay knew he was going nowhere with those thoughts, he was only torturing himself wondering what would have happened if he'd done things a different way; if he'd just accepted Kai's 'unusual preferences' for what they truly were —unconditional love; if he hadn't been so terrified at the idea of 'being different'; if he had been braver and taken just one single minute to look inside of himself and have a talk with his heart.

But… the more Jay tried to stop that outlook, the harder melancholy hit him. It was a vicious circle of self-torture.

How much did he yearn to see the royal family again, to walk up to Kai and hug him. Yet… Jay feared his reaction. He could only imagine how much the monarch had suffered after their goodbye almost three weeks ago. Either Kai had already forgotten him or… was cursing at Jay for abandoning him, for rejecting the selfless love Kai had professed ever since they met.

"How could I be so… stupid?" Jay mumbled to himself, unsure if that word conveyed his denseness as a whole.

Jay huffed, hands reaching up to his face to cover his features, the pads of his fingers dug into the freckled skin and dragged down inch by inch. He sat on a log that was lying around amidst the mess of materials and hung his head forward. He felt so tired, every new day seemed harder to complete than the previous one. No matter what meals Edna cooked nor how many breaks Jay took while working, the problem was not in his physique but on the core of his existence, on his aching heart that bled non-stop for a love he'd lost before he'd even had the chance to grasp it. Although, in reality… he'd had many chances, Jay just had let each one of them pass in front of his eyes —and somehow, that was even worse.

Noticing movement by his side, Jay looked up. Edna stood next to him, holding two cups.

"Tea?" She offered one of the containers.

Jay's stomach was rather apathetic, but he accepted the warm cup to not give his mother the shaft. Edna sat next to him on the log and Ed appeared a moment later, holding his own tea and gathering with them on Jay's free side.

"It's been long since we last had a family moment like this," the man said at his son's perplexed expression.

Jay smiled small. That was true, the last time that they all decided to put a pause on their jobs and chill together had been way before Jay was kidnapped. They didn't even do anything different than what was already part of their routine, but somehow, calling it 'family time' made it special for Jay.

The boy sipped from his drink and hummed with pleased surprise. "I added a bit of clove this time, for my little jaybird." Edna grinned. The tiny wrinkles that formed around her eyes made Jay smile back at her and even let out a tiny giggle.

"Thanks, mom." Jay took another sip then released a long breath.

What are you doing? You've got a great family! You shouldn't be daydreaming about distant lands and sexy kings. This is what you wanted, remember? What you said would make you happy, so take it.

Easier said than done though… Jay replied to himself.

He had promised Kai and the royal spouses he'd be happy, yet that same promise was what prevented him from fulfilling his end because the guys were always present in his mind, making it impossible to fully smile when they weren't here.

"You miss them, don't you?"

The sparks that went through Jay's fingers almost made him drop the tea. He stared at his mother, taken aback by her words.

"I mean Mr. Kai and his family," Edna specified when the boy didn't respond right away.

"N-no. No, I… Well, I mean… Not like- I just…" His verbosity escalated. Jay looked at both of his parents, being met with only tender and amused smiles. He sighed, finally admitting that he could never fool them about this. Even a stranger would have seen through his lies. "I do… I know I shouldn't but… I can't help it."

"No, honey." Edna guided Jay's face up. "You've spent a long time with those people, you've created bonds with them, it's normal for you to feel bad when you're not around those who you love."

'Those who you love.' How could Edna talk like that? How could she just acknowledge her son had more people in his heart than just his sweet progenitors?

"But I… They're nothing mine. We were just… friends…" Jay murmured with pain, unsure if the guys would consider him even that anymore after so many days apart.

"Jay, the heart doesn't care about that. It just opens to those who it feels it can trust."

Stunned by her words, Jay lost his voice. Hunching over himself, his gaze landed on the dirt ground around his feet.

"Darling, I imagine how hard it must be for you to talk about this, but your father and I aren't judging you."

Jay gripped the cup tighter, squeezing his eyes until they hurt.

"I just… I don't understand. I never thought I'd get to love anyone as much as I love you two… Maybe… even more," he mumbled, jitters starting to shake the cup of tea.

"Jay…" Edna took the vase from him and put it down, she reached for her son's hands and clutched them lovingly. "It's not more; it's another type of love. As pure and valid as any other."

An ugly wail got stuck in Jay's throat, the tears appeared out of nowhere, furiously burning his eyes. He leaned onto his mother, letting his pain flow freely.

"I wish I could see him again… Just one more time to apologize for being an asshole and a coward."

Hands rubbed on his back. "What's stopping you?" Ed's voice sounded.

Jay whipped the salty beads frantically away from his face. Was his father joking?!

"The… mountains? The desert?" He uttered, if the man was trying to cheer him up Ed hadn't chosen the best words at all.

"So?" Edna pressed.

"'So'? Mom, I-" The complaint died on Jay's lips as he locked eyes with the old woman, Edna wore a tender smirk on her face.

Jay blinked several times, confused at her expression. With the hope of throwing some light into her demeanor, Jay turned to his father, but the man was a mirror of his wife.

Auburn eyebrows pushed together in deep thought and discomfiture, then an idea crossed Jay's mind; an idea so crazy that there was no way a normal person could come up with it.

But they weren't normal; they were the Walkers.

Jay looked at his mother again. "Mom… Are you... saying…?"

"That you should go back to them?... Yes," Edna replied, simple and straightforward.