Episode 46 - Sorry, we're out of Gainax endings-would you accept a happy one in its place?
In the Geofront interior, battles of two different scales raged on as those operating from the bridge watched.
In one pitched battle, three of NERV's Evangelions-Unit-01 (piloted by Shinji), Unit-02 (piloted by Asuka), and Unit-03 (piloted by Toji)-were aided by the Naoko-operated Freakazord and Longhorn in the Bessie Mecha as they squared off with SEELE's nine Mass Production Evangelions. On a smaller scale, Freakazette led an unlikely mix of superheroes and former villains-plus four lawn gnomes, three snakes, and a none-too-bright, heavyset alien-against the resurgent and powered-up Armando Gutierrez, and it was looking like a Sisyphean endeavor at best.
The fact that neither of these fights were that much fair, even with Longhorn helping to even the odds on the large-scale brawl, was not lost on the bridge crew.
"Not to call myself Captain Obvious," Shigeru started to say, "but we're seriously getting our butts kicked here!"
"What's the status of Unit-04 and Unit-05?" Misato asked.
"20 minutes inbound," Makoto reported. "We just have to hope that our side can keep the bad guys busy for that long."
"Then it's a good thing some of us here are bein' a little bit proactive in the meantime," Roddy said as he and Ritsuko cobbled together various electronic components.
"What're you guys doing?!" Misato asked, surprised by their activity. "How could you be tinkering with gizmos at a time like this?!"
"Our 'tinkering' could help turn the tide against Gutierrez, that's how!" Ritsuko answered as she then had Maya pass her another component.
"I've had this countermeasure ticklin' at the back of me mind fer a while now," Roddy elaborated. "It was somethin' I figured would be useful should Gutierrez tap into th' Pinnacle chip's flaw again. I just never got around to actually makin' one until now."
Ritsuko turned off her soldering iron for a moment before she spoke. "Almost there, just need one more thing..."
"What is it?" Maya asked.
She got her answer when Ritsuko looked towards another tech. "Run to the infirmary and bring me back a large adhesive pad band-aid!"
Terminal Dogma, around the same time...
Freakazoid and Gendo were locked in a staredown, with the giant form of Lilith looking on. They'd actually been there for the last seven or so minutes, unmoving, determined expressions on their faces. Right then and there, one of them finally made a move, as Gendo ever-so-slightly blinked.
The determined look fell from Freakazoid's face as he grinned giddily. "HA! You blinked! I win!" he cheekily gloated.
Dude, this isn't a staring contest, Kensuke said.
"You...you insipid, ludicrous masked moron," Gendo said through gritted teeth. "Everything was going perfectly. I had all the pieces in place. I was set to bring about instrumentality on my own terms...until YOU entered the picture!"
Freakazoid, in response, nonchalantly shrugged at Gendo's statement. "What can I say? I'm a superhero, thwarting a villain's evil scheme is my bread and butter!"
Gendo, on hearing that, gave himself an exasperated left-handed face-palm. "You really do think in terms of black-and-white, don't you?" he wondered, shaking his head. "Well get this, Freakazoid, the world has never worked like that at all! Second Impact only proved to reaffirm that fact! The world's always been a terrible place, and in addition to bringing my Yui back to me, instrumentality will put an end to why it's so terrible!"
"Really, Gendo?" Freakazoid asked in response, rolling his eyes. "You talking about 'the world' in general, or just your own little corner of it? I mean come on, you're not the only guy in history who's been that cynical and jaded about everything, thinking life's out to get you." Gendo raised an eyebrow at that statement. "Did a little reading ahead of time, so I know your life story. Yui filled in some of the blanks when I spoke with her during the 13th Angel battle, so I know all about the why and wherefore behind your so-called 'dream'. Well, let me be the first to tell you, THAT IS THE STUPIDEST PLAN I HAVE EVER HEARD OF! And I say this as someone who had to hear the Lobe reveal his scheme with a clown-zombie ray thingy! I used to think THAT was the stupidest plan, but your whole 'instrumentality for one' thing just knocked it off the pedestal!"
-X-
In his prison cell at that moment, the Lobe suddenly sneezed.
"Oh, goody," the Lobe sarcastically said. "I've been subject to an overused anime cliché. Quite a highlight of this trip."
-X-
"Face it Gendo, your plan's kaput, bupkus, finito, not-gonna-happen!" Freakazoid stated with a cross-wave of his forearms.
Gendo didn't back down upon hearing this. "That is where you're wrong..." he said. "Rei may not be here, but I can still find a workaround to initiate the ritual. But before I do, I believe I'll see to it that you're destroyed...And it just so happens that I have the power to do so literally in the palm of my hand." He then proceeded to remove his right glove, palm facing Freakazoid. What Freakazoid (and by extension, Kensuke) saw shocked him.
Grafted to Gendo's right palm was a patch of alien-looking skin, with an eye looking out from the center.
Scream-O-Vision Announcer: "Scream." [Cue sound byte of a screaming audience.]
"Eeeeeeeeew!" Freakazoid said, comically cringing at the sight. Ditto! Kensuke added with disgust. That is just WRONG!
"That's right, 'eeeeeeew'," Gendo replied mockingly. "What you see here is the surviving fragment of Adam, the First Angel. With Rei acting as the key, I would insert this into her, merge it with Lilith behind me, and from there gain control of instrumentality, guiding it in the direction I wished. For now though, I can tap into some of the creature's extraordinary abilities to make sure you won't be around to stop me."
Freakazoid stopped cringing, a determined look back on his face. "So that's the way you wanna play it? All right then, Gendo, you've forced my hand! Two can play at this game, so it's time to bring out of retirement...my original sidekick! Say hello to..." Freakazoid then put his own right hand up, curled into a sideways fist with two googly eyes drawn on the side of the index finger. "...HANDMAN!"
On seeing this, Gendo became extremely befuddled, if the sweat drop next to his head (and the one next to Adam's eye) was any indicator.
You're kidding...Kensuke said, bewildered by the latest oddball antic of his 'roommate'. How did I not see this coming?
"Good ta be back, Freakazoobydooby!" Handman said.
"No no, we've been over this, it's Freakazoid," Freakazoid corrected him.
"Oh oh, right, Freakalookee!" Handman said.
"NO, Freakazoid!"
"Freakabee! Freakabaa! Freakabicky-bi-bo-bo-bo!"
"No no no, let's try it again," Freakazoid urged. "Say 'Fre'."
"Fre," Handman replied.
"Ka."
"Ka."
"Zoid."
"Freakadoozy! No, wait, Freakawookie!" Handman then proceeded to give Freakazoid a few kisses hello.
"Aw, stop it, you're embarrassing me!" Freakazoid said playfully before 'pushing' him away. "Good to see you again, buddy, hope the missus is doing okay! 'Scuse me a sec, I'm feeling a bit thirsty." Freakazoid then proceeded to drink a glass of Kaji's watermelon cooler he plucked from out of nowhere. While he sipped, Handman made gargling noises, until Freakazoid finished and tossed the glass aside, before turning back to Handman. "Aaah, MAN-Kaji was right, that stuff is refreshing!"
Gendo finally regained his composure at that moment as he glared at Freakazoid. "Oh, THIS is just taking it too far," he bitterly said.
"What? What am I taking too far?" Freakazoid asked, confused.
"To think I initially believed you were just an unstable simpleton in a costume," Gendo elaborated. "But this? This just proves you're absolutely insane!"
"You're calling my sidekick insane?" Freakazoid asked, pointing to Handman.
"I'm calling you insane if you think your right hand is your sidekick!" Gendo frustratedly replied.
"But he is!" Freakazoid insisted.
"No it isn't!" Gendo bit back.
"Yes, he is," Freakazoid said.
"Is not!" Gendo said.
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!" Gendo said. "That right hand is your sidekick, and I say so!"
"Okay then," Freakazoid said nonchalantly, with Handman nodding in agreement.
It was then that Gendo realized that he'd once again been played by the wacky wonder, which caused him to growl furiously.
"THAT DOES IT!" the Commander of NERV snarled as he held his Adam palm outward. "I'll annihilate you for this!" It was then that a powerful energy beam erupted from the eye of Adam...
The Geofront interior, topside...
The battle of the giants was continuing to be pretty much a one-sided affair, with NERV's EVAs, the Freakazord, and the Bessie Mecha on the defensive as they kept the MP EVAs at a distance. It was pretty frustrating for a couple of people.
"*UGH* I'm getting really sick of this!" Asuka vented as she deftly parried a swing from one MP EVA. "It feels like I'm in a bad Three Musketeers movie!"
"You an' me both, lil' lady!" Longhorn concurred as the Bessie Mecha kicked another MP EVA away in the gut. "This is gettin' old real fast!"
"Where's that backup from NERV-2 already?!" an exasperated and worried Shinji asked as he dodged a swipe of an MP EVA's blade.
Suddenly, their comms erupted with the sound of someone...singing?
"Da-da-da-da-da-DAH, da-da-da-da-da-DA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA...!"
Soon two large objects dove through the opening in the Geofront's armor layers and landed off to the side, kicking up a cloud of dust and temporarily pausing the fight. The dust quickly settled, revealing the two newcomers to be Evangelion Unit-04 and Provisional Evangelion Unit-05, the very reinforcements Shinji had been asking about earlier. Vid-screens then popped open in the entry plugs of 01, 02, and 03, revealing the pilots of said reinforcements.
"Somebody order the cavalry?" Mari 'Illustrious' Makinami cheekily asked. "Sorry we're late, had a bit of turbulence on the way in, and of course, someone had to bring a crying baby on the flight..."
"Oh, knock it off, 'Lusty'," Marie Vincennes chided her wingman. "Ignore her, guys, she may be a bit of a weirdo, but she's very good at her job. Long time, no see, Asuka."
"Marie," Asuka greeted in turn. "Ready to settle that score?"
"Thought you'd never ask," Marie answered with a grin. "Now let's take these pasty-faced bootlegs down!"
Shinji and Toji, via vid-screen, gave each other stunned looks.
"Dude, are we rare or something?" the jock asked. "'Cause how is it that almost all EVA pilots are brainy, battlin' hot girls?"
"Honestly? No clue," Shinji replied. "And I think it'd be wise to not let Hikari know you said that."
Toji immediately blushed at the thought. "Oh, yeah, good thinkin', Shin-man. Heh-heh..."
With that, Unit-04 and Unit-05 plowed through some of the MP-EVAs to join up with the others, where Shinji and Toji quickly plugged power cables into their backs and the Freakazord tossed Marie a prog-glaive.
"Oh, awesome, I didn't know we'd teamed up with a Transformer!" Mari gushed when she noticed the Bessie Mecha.
Announcer: "Once again, this line of dialogue was made possible with the express consent of (and preemptively-paid licensing fee to) Hasbro, Inc."
"Geek out later, we've got some nasties to put down!" Asuka barked, as the now force of seven fought back against their black and white-colored enemies with renewed vigor.
The bridge...
"YES! They made it!" Misato cheered while pumping her fist in the air.
"It'd be better if Unit-00 was up there, too," Shigeru stated. "Not to mention we've still got another problem out there as well." He then pointed to the more smaller-scale fight between Freakazette and co. and Gutierrez, which also was looking quite one-sided.
"Lucky for ye, lad, we may have just the solution," Roddy said as he, Ritsuko and Maya reconvened with them, Maya holding the object they'd been working on for the past 20 or so minutes.
"What's that thing?" Makoto asked curiously.
"How else does one correct a programming flaw?" Maya replied eagerly as she held the object up. "With a software patch!"
"If Freakazette can slap it on Gutierrez," Roddy started to explain, "the reaction'll be instantaneous."
"Once attached, it'll cut off Gutierrez from his connection to the internet," Ritsuko added, "and all the power he has right now will be 'downloaded' into the patch's storage drive-Gutierrez will become an ordinary man again."
"You think that'll work?" Misato asked.
"Only way to know is to try," Ritsuko said. "We just need to get it to Freakazette, fast."
Misato got a determined look on her face right then and there. "I'll get it to her. I'll just need one thing to make it happen..."
The Geofront interior, moments later...
The battle against Gutierrez had indeed been one-sided for all involved. While Freakazette and the others put up as much of a fight as they could, Gutierrez was simply that powerful, enough that it was now just Freakazette standing; the others were lying off to the side, catching their breath after having been waylaid by the empowered ex-CEO.
"This has been...mildly diverting, to say the least," Gutierrez remarked, as he dusted off his left shoulder. "But I'm afraid I must put an end to this and be on my way. I have a date with a certain supercomputer..."
"And I'm afraid you're gonna have to postpone," Freakazette replied defiantly. "Last I checked, said supercomputer's not taking any gentlemen callers-though calling you a gentleman might be too big a stretch."
"Well, then, if you must insist..." Gutierrez said threateningly as he cracked his knuckles, a smirk on his face. Before he made a move, however, a shadow fell over him, catching his attention. Unfortunately he didn't react quickly enough as a bucket soon was dropped on his head, temporarily blinding him. Freakazette's jaw dropped when she saw the one who did the deed: Misato, flying around (albeit a tad unsteadily) via Freakazoid's flight pack. Misato briefly looked our way at that moment.
"Okay, to anyone who's dreamed of flying with a jetpack: it really isn't all it's cracked up to be," she said before shifting her focus to Freakazette. In the background, Gutierrez was struggling to get the bucket unstuck from his head. "Here, catch!" She then quickly tossed the patch to Freakazette, who caught it.
"What's this thing?" the female wacky wonder asked.
"Ritsuko and Roddy whipped it up," Misato answered quickly. "Slap it on him and he's depowered!"
Freakazette nodded in understanding. "He's not gonna make it easy," she stated. "But work with me on this, I've got a plan..."
Gutierrez, a moment later, finally managed to get the bucket off his head, annoyed that he'd been inconvenienced by such an ordinary, everyday object.
"Hey, Patchy the Pirate!"
Gutierrez turned to see a hovering Misato, giving him a teasing look.
"Liked my bucket bit?" the major playfully posed to him. "Well, if ya want more, come and get me!" She then blew a raspberry to further goad him.
Gutierrez, upon seeing this display, furrowed his brow. "You have just made a very costly mistake, woman," he said as he got into a stance. From there, he then proceeded to fire an intense-looking beam from his eyepatch.
"Uh-oh," Misato said before quickly zipping through the air and out of the beam's path. Misato kept this up, bobbing and weaving (and teasing) as Gutierrez kept trying to shoot her down, annoyingly to no avail. Then, when he least expected it, another surprise crept up on him.
"Oh, Gutiiii..."
Gutierrez stopped firing to look around for the source of the second voice, only for Freakazette to pop up from under his legs and swiftly slap something onto his chest and leaping back a ways.
Upon looking at the thing newly-stuck to his chest, Gutierrez wasn't impressed. "You truly are desperate now, aren't you? Thinking you can slap a band-aid on to make the problem go away."
Freakazette grinned slyly on hearing that. "Oh, don't worry-that's no ordinary band-aid..."
Before he could inquire as to the meaning of her statement, Gutierrez started feeling tingly all over. It was then he started to feel his powers weakening, as static began to build up and surround him. He then looked our way, a worried expression on his face.
"I am a bit rusty at this, so give me a moment, if you will," he said before clearing his throat. "*AHEM* NOOOOOOOOOO...!"
Soon he was enveloped in a great flash of light, forcing Freakazette and Misato to shield their eyes. When the light subsided, the two smiled at the outcome: Gutierrez was now standing there, having returned to normal, though no longer sporting a skin condition on one side of himself that resembled the interior of a junked computer console. Freakazette then nonchalantly pulled the 'software patch' off his chest, and Gutierrez started to nervously look between the two glaring women. Before he could even utter a word, Misato swiftly decked him with a punch to the face, knocking him out.
"Nice one," Freakazette commented.
"Thanks," Misato replied. "Funny, before you and Freakazoid came along, I would've been saving that for Kaji." She then looked down at the unconscious Gutierrez. "That's one baddie down."
"Yeah," Freakazette concurred as the two of them looked up from the direction of HQ to the battle among the giants. "And two to go..."
Terminal Dogma, that moment...
Freakazoid immediately dove to the left, and Gendo's beam missed him. The irate NERV commander fired off another blast, and another, and so on, Freakazoid dodging each just barely. Then, Freakazoid unexpectedly jumped towards Gendo...and quickly gripped his hand, their respective thumbs sticking up.
"1-2-3-4, I declare a thumb war!" Freakazoid exclaimed, and then quickly engaged his thumb in a 'battle' with a flabbergasted Gendo's. The two traded grunts as their thumbs struggled and grappled for position. Finally, no surprise, Freakazoid's came out on top. "I win!"
Gendo, not amused, quickly raised his palm and fired off another beam blast, which Freakazoid again deftly dodged. While he did so, Freakazoid quickly tripped Gendo from the back of his legs, causing him to fall backwards. "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!" the wacky wonder teased.
Gendo, grunting, was about to raise his palm again when he and Freakazoid heard a noise. Specifically, the sound of large footsteps. Gendo's eyes widened with shock when Unit-00 then entered the Chamber, headed towards Lilith.
"Rei?" Gendo asked. "You're here...Wait, what are you doing?!"
Rei had Unit-00 remove the Lance of Longinus from Lilith before she answered. "Retrieving the Lance so that I may take it topside."
Gendo became further shocked. "But...But the scenario...You swore to me-"
"I apologize, Commander," the bluenette said. "But truthfully, I had stopped believing in your scenario for a while now." She smiled as she continued. "And I have you to thank, Freakazoid."
Freakazoid, on hearing that, grew a bit bashful. "Aw, it was nothing," he said with feigned modesty. "Additionally, being a superhero comes with being an inspirational figure, you know? Don't believe me? Just ask Superman."
Rei nodded. "If you will excuse me, I have a battle to turn the tide of up in the Geofront's interior." As she had Unit-00, Lance in-hand, turn to leave, she paused for a moment. "One other thing," she started to say. "I mean no offense, Commander, but I believe that a person at your age and in your position is too old to be playing with dolls."
Hearing this coming from Rei, the girl he pretty much created and 'raised', stunned Gendo completely.
"OOH! BURN!" Freakazoid bemusedly said while pointing mockingly at Gendo with his left finger.
"Hahahahahaha, you got pwned!" Handman added.
Man, Rei's good...Kensuke noted, quite surprised by his friend's parting words.
With that, Unit-00 exited the Chamber and made its way back up to the upper levels. Gendo turned back to face Freakazoid, who in turn looked at Handman. The two then looked at Gendo and got into a fighting stance.
"Hold a moment," Gendo said. "Being a superhero, you wouldn't hit a man wearing glasses now, would you?"
Freakazoid paused and considered this, before getting out of his stance, much to Gendo's astonishment. A grin then appeared on his face.
"You're right, you got me there-I wouldn't," Freakazoid answered. "She, on the other hand, very much would."
Puzzled, Gendo was about to ask what he meant before he heard a voice come from behind him.
"Hey, Gendo."
Turning around, he was met by Ritsuko, who swiftly delivered a right hook straight into Gendo's face that knocked the commander out cold.
"Now he knows how Biff felt. Good timing," Freakazoid commented. "Speaking of, how'd you get down here so fast?"
"Roddy, Maya and I were able to finally override Gendo's lockout program," Ritsuko explained. "I then made a beeline for the EVA cages and accompanied Rei down here." She then looked down at the unconscious Gendo next to them as she shook her hand to relieve some of the minor pain incurred from her punch. "Believe it or not, doing that felt really good for me."
"I'm sure a lot of people would agree," Freakazoid said with a brief sideways glance in our direction.
The Geofront interior...
The battle among the giant combatants raged on, and even with the greatly-appreciated assist from Units-04 and 05, the MP EVAs were still giving our heroes a hard time. That all changed when the sound of a catapult activating drew everyone's attention.
"Unit-00, launch!" the other EVA pilots heard Maya shout over the comms.
Soon, the blue colossus that was Unit-00, holding the real Lance of Longinus in its hands, jumped from the catapult and landed. Rei then had it quickly plug a power cable into its back before resuming its fighting stance with the Lance.
"Rei!" Shinji shouted enthusiastically.
"About time you got here, Wundergirl!" Asuka chimed in.
"Apologies for the wait," Rei said. "I needed to acquire the proper tool for dispatching the MP EVAs. Speaking of..." As Unit-00 turned to face said MP EVAs, all eyes witnessed the Lance begin to shudder, and then suddenly change shape, as if responding to the wielder's thoughts. The twin prongs at the top joined together and then expanded, until finally, at the tip of the Lance was a round, cylindrical shape. The jaws of all who saw this dropped as they realized just what the Lance had now turned into:
A giant, cartoony mallet.
Rei smiled eagerly as Unit-00's hands gripped the handle tightly, and said only three little words: "Let's get silly."
At her command, Unit-00 broke into a jump that launched her swiftly into the air towards one MP EVA, and as she came back down, she swung the mallet until it met the MP EVA's head, flattening it; the contact enabled by the blow also allowed the Lance to release a pulse into the MP EVA's systems that destroyed the dummy plug and shattered the S2 engine completely. When Rei lifted the Lance back up, the MP EVA fell over flat on its face, no longer moving. Unit-00 then turned to face Unit-02.
"Catch, Asuka!" Rei urged as she had her EVA toss the lance to its red counterpart. Asuka caught it, and in her hands it changed its shape again, becoming more rectangular with a pointed protrusion appearing to go through the top portion. In other words, it had now become the Giant Board with a Nail Through It of Longinus.
"Huh. I was unconsciously thinking about this just now..." Asuka mused to herself, before a devilish grin appeared on her face as she had Unit-02 face an MP EVA. Said MP EVA, a sheepish grin on its 'face', gave the red colossus a small wave before trying to make a break for it. Unit-02 gave chase, and just when the MP EVA was about to unfurl its wings, Asuka struck and hit the fiend right on the head, the Lance repeating the effect it had on the first MP EVA it hit.
Satisfied, Asuka then had Unit-02 toss the Lance to Unit-01. "When in Rome..." she hinted at.
Shinji had his EVA catch the Lance, and in his hands, to the surprise of no one who knew him well, the weapon this time transformed into an enormous rolling pin. The MP EVA he was facing tried to strike at him with its bladed weapon, but Shinji managed to dodge each stroke until he got into its blindspot and whacked it on the head, a third pulse putting the black-and-white fiend down for good.
"Toji, your turn!" Shinji shouted as Unit-01 passed the Lance on to Unit-03. Once in Toji's hands, it then became a colossal baseball bat (and a cartoony-looking one at that). After briefly testing his grip, Toji smirked and quickly got into a batter's stance in front of the MP EVA he was currently engaged with.
"Batter up!" he said as he took a swing that got the MP EVA right in the chest, causing it to drop its weapon. Before the MP EVA could react, Toji then brought the Bat of Longinus down on its head hard, causing the MP EVA to spring back up in an accordion-like manner (accompanied by the sounds of said instrument), before it ultimately collapsed onto its back.
"Yo! Think fast!" he said as he tossed the Lance to Marie's Unit-04. On catching the thing, it became a sledgehammer in her Unit's hands. An inspired Marie, as she approached her MP EVA opponent, started whistling "I've Been Working on the Railroad" as she swiftly brought the hammer down on the MP EVA's left foot. The fiend clutched it as it hopped around while yelping (Tom-like) in pain, only to be cut short when Marie then proceeded to bring the hammer down upon its head. [Doo doo doo-doo-doo...]
"All yours, Lusty!" she said as she threw it to Unit-05, which caught it after quickly collapsing and stowing its power lance. In Mari's hand, it transformed into a cricket paddle; the bespectacled EVA pilot then looked in our direction.
"A cricket paddle, just to further that I'm half-British?" she mused to us before shrugging. "Ah well, I'm a Goldaming superfan anyway." She then proceeded to utterly wail upon the MP EVA she was facing with the paddle, starting with a few good whacks to the fiend's posterior. "Aw, come on, no 'Thank you sir, may I have another'?" she teased. "Oh, fine, I'll come up with a better one for ya..." She then started singing a certain Alice Cooper song while she kept whacking away at the MP EVA as she gave chase:
"No more Mister Nice Guy,
No more Mister Clee-hee-hee-heen!
No more Mister Nice Guy, they say,
He's sick, he's ob-see-hee-hee-heen!"
Eventually she stopped playing around and gave the MP EVA a good head bonk, putting it down and adding to the unofficial tally. The three other MP EVAs, growing more fearful by the minute, opted to cut their losses and flee, only for the Freakazord and the Bessie Mecha to block their way, dragging them back down to earth when they attempted to fly off. Grounded, the MP EVAs could only shudder as Units-00 through 02 approached them, and finally, each NERV EVA took turns with the Lance in putting each of the three fiends down for good.
With the MP EVAs defeated, cheers erupted from the bridge, a sight that greeted Freakazoid and Ritsuko when they entered, a bound Gendo being carried by the former. Out on the battlefield itself, Freakazette and Misato jumped for joy over their side's win.
"I'd say this calls for a victory tune, don't you?" she asked while briefly looking our way, as she quickly pulled up the Freakazord app on her phone and activated the robot's stereo system. "Play disc 2, track 7," she commanded. The system responded promptly, and soon a very fitting song began blasting out of the speakers:
Cellllllebrate good times, come on!
(Let's celebrate!)
On hearing this, the EVA pilots, especially NERV's 'main three' of Shinji, Asuka, and Rei, after giving each other a relieved look via vid-screen, slumped in their seats, mildly exhausted from the evening they'd just had.
Minutes later...
NERV's forces had reconvened outside HQ, where their security teams had taken the mercs into custody pending the arrival of the JSSDF. The EVAs soon pulled to a stop and kneeled so the pilots could exit and join the rest of the group. It was there that Marie and Mari were formally introduced by Asuka to the others.
"Man, if I knew it was gonna be like this, I would've begged for a transfer here months ago!" Mari giddily said. "I can't believe I missed out on most of the fun!"
Shinji, Asuka, and Toji looked at one another, dumbfounded, before looking back at Mari.
"Has she always been this...enthusiastic about fighting?" Shinji asked.
"Oh yeah," Asuka confirmed. "Put another way, her bloodlust puts mine to shame."
"Just don't ever refer to her as 'the crazy one' to her face," Marie chimed in. "She tends to respond...quite unpredictably. Oh, she doesn't hurt anyone, but still..."
"Hey, now-I resemble that remark!" Mari said with mock offense.
Rei's gaze immediately fell on Mari, and in an instant, whatever remaining wisp of her longing for Freakazoid vanished. Rei was once again love-struck, if the hearts that appeared in her eyes, her tongue briefly hanging out of her smiling mouth, and the strange sound of a jalopy's horn that accompanied both actions weren't even more of a dead giveaway.
"Hellooooo, meganekko NURSE!" she beamed as she quickly drew Mari into one heck of a smooch, inadvertently recreating a certain famous V-E Day photograph from World War II. Those watching felt their jaws drop yet again when it came to the bluenette, since it appeared she wasn't running out of surprises any time soon. Even more surprising was how Mari, when they disengaged, appeared to be instantly smitten.
"Mmm...you know, blue happens to be my favorite color..." Mari slyly said with a bat of her eyelashes. The two of them then stood back up, arm-in-arm.
Toji, at that moment, lightly elbowed Asuka. "What was that about nothing surprising you anymore?" he cheekily asked, only to be met with a mild kick to his shin from Asuka in return.
"Uh, Rei...?" Shinji asked.
"You feeling okay?" Asuka added.
"Just faboo, everyone," Rei replied, a big smile on her face as she looked around at her family, friends and colleagues. "I know what you're thinking-that was shallow, cheap, and based solely on hormones."
Mari's grin grew even wider. "Works for me!" she said.
A grinning Freakazoid, on hearing that, looked our way.
"Now where have I heard that before?" he asked knowingly with a wink.
To be concluded...
**Author's Note(s)**
You've just seen it here, folks, the final battle's over-and our heroes won!
The chapter's title is a nod to the very first sketch from the very first episode of Saturday Night Live.
Once again, we have a callback to "The Cloud", where Freakazoid thwarted the Lobe's plan to turn people into clown zombies by thoroughly criticizing it and causing the villain's self-esteem to dip.
The moment surrounding Gendo's reveal of Adam in his palm riffs on "Hero Boy", where Freakazoid first see's Gutierrez's changed face. We also see a brief appearance of the 'Scream-O-Vision' gimmick from season 1's "Candle Jack".
From there, we see the return of Freakazoid's very first sidekick, Handman! The 'character' debuted in the first episode as the subject of the very first "Sidekick Chronicles" segment, as a parody of the 1950s ventriloquist act Senor Wences. See if you can spot the reference to the 1938 Three Stooges short "Violence is the Word for Curly".
The following dialogue between Freakazoid and Gendo utilizes a familiar 'reverse psychology' gag frequently appearing in Bugs Bunny cartoons.
The song Mari sings as she and Marie make their entrance is the same one sung by the title character in the very first episode of Spongebob Squarepants, when he arrives to rescue Squidward and Mr. Krabs from the hungry mob of anchovies. The show is also given a nod by the name Misato calls Gutierrez, referring to the pirate portrayed by Spongebob's voice actor Tom Kenny in the occasional live-action sequences and specials.
Marie's nickname for Mari is my shoutout to fanfic writer SPDudley, best known for his "Blue Rose" quintet of EVA stories, which I highly recommend.
Freakazoid's "Biff" line refers to Biff Tannen from the Back to the Future franchise, which Lexarius is currently crossing EVA over with to good effect so far.
For Marie's turn with the Lance, I did sneak in a small nod to the Beatles song "Maxwell's Silver Hammer".
When Mari gets her turn with the Lance, I threw in riffs on both National Lampoon's Animal House and the freshman hazing sequence from Dazed and Confused.
Freakazette's choice of victory tune is my tribute to Kool & the Gang co-founder Robert Bell, who passed away this past September.
Rei's reaction to Mari sees her channel the Warner Brothers (and their sister Dot) while also name-dropping the meganekko anime archetype. The two of them then paraphrase Freakazoid's final lines in the Freakazoid episode that started it all, "Dance of Doom". (How those two are drawn to each other will be explained next chapter.)
Now for a final bit of extra fun!
Omake 18 - Freakazoid's 'Coulda Been' Theater, Part 2
The camera opened once again on Freakazoid, clad in a smoking jacket and sitting on a comfy easy chair by the fireplace of a fancy-looking library/study, with an open book resting on his lap.
Freakazoid: "Hello again, good people! And welcome to part two of two of my own little foray into speculative fan fiction. Previously, I'd given you my own spin on a certain sequence of events in the first episode of this landmark anime series. Well, because this is the final part of the 'final battle', I thought I'd bookend things with my own take on the End of Evangelion. Don't worry, I've opted to skip over the more...gruesome parts that wouldn't be for the faint of heart. So anyway, off we go with another idea of what coulda been, only we'll be looking at what happens had things gone south..."
-X-
It was over for humanity-the whole collective had become one. The ritual had been successfully pulled off. Now, with Rei Ayanami, somehow also Lilith, guiding him as best she could, Shinji Ikari held the fate of the entire planet in his hands. The sound of the many voices all around him proved to be mind-numbingly overwhelming, as their deepest fears and desires were laid bare to him, and his to them.
"Jeeez! I get so ticked off whenever I look at you!"
"I wasn't able to become Shinji's mother after all..."
"Because the truth hurts us all...Because it's very, very distressing."
The sea of souls threatened to drown the already-worsening Shinji, as he inched closer and closer to breaking further...And then...two particular voices rose above all. Much to everyone's chagrin.
Freakazoid and Freakazette somehow had retained their distinct forms in this new plane of existence where everyone was nearly the same. What did they do in such a heightened state of human collective consciousness?
Act completely idiotic.
They made all sorts of weird noises as they each stretched their mouths around with two fingers. Then they shifted to doodling their lips, before doing their mouth-stretching again. After repeating this for a few minutes, they then began leaping like frogs all over the place, all while sounding off with only two words:
"Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!..."
They soon went back to the mouth-stretching, followed by the lip-doodling, then the leap-frogging. Lather, rinse, repeat, all of it.
All of a sudden, the voices surrounding Shinji went silent, as his and the billions of eyes soon fell upon the two wacky wonders' really oddball behavior. His was the only mouth that went agape, as he and the others stared wide-eyed. It suddenly dawned upon them that they were going to have to endure all of Freakazoid and Freakazette's craziness...for eternity.
Suddenly, they weren't so keen on being an immortal collective anymore. Shinji then began to notice some familiar voices as they began to complain.
Asuka: "Oh, HECK NO!"
Misato: "Are you kidding me?!"
Ritsuko: "For the love of-!"
And it kept going, as more and more voices added to the griping.
"I gotta listen to THOSE two forever?!"
"If there were any walls, they'd be driving me up them!"
"I'm gonna go crazy here!"
"Somebody make it stop!"
"Forget that-somebody get me out of this nuthouse!"
"I want out too!"
"Me three!"
"Let me out!"
"LEMME OUT!"
"LEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUT...!"
Soon it devolved into a whole desperate cacophony of those same two words, over and over, as Freakazoid and Freakazette kept goofing around, oblivious to all of it. Shinji, at the center of this maelstrom, was speechless, as was Rei/Lilith/whoever she now was. The two looked at each other with stunned expressions.
Shinji: "Uh, Rei...?"
Rei/Lilith: "I can honestly say that I did NOT see this coming. It appears I have greatly underestimated the consequences..."
Shinji [arching an eyebrow]: "Gee, ya think?"
Rei/Lilith: "Instrumentality is not, as they say in rustic circles, all it's cracked up to be."
Shinji: "At least tell me there's a way to undo this. Isn't there like some big 'cancel' button you can press or something to reverse everything?"
Rei/Lilith [turning to Shinji]: "There is, actually."
With that, Rei/Lilith held up an object in her hand. It had a round, silver base, and a large red button on top. Written on it in big white letters was the word "easy". Shinji did a double-take from her to the object and back, his eyes wide with further surprise.
Shinji: "Don't you usually find these things at Staples?"
Rei/Lilith: "It was the best I could come up with that you could comprehend in your mind's eye."
She then held it towards Shinji.
Rei/Lilith: "Ready?"
Shinji briefly glanced back at the still-goofing Freakazoid and Freakazette amid the din of the complaining souls begging to be set free, before turning back to Rei/Lilith.
Shinji [nodding quickly]: "Very much."
With that, both Shinji and Rei/Lilith slammed their hands on the button.
"That was easy," said the electronic voice from the button before things went white...
