"Have you chosen a new commander yet?" Stannis snapped. All the black brothers were gathered in the great hall of Castle Black.
"Sire," said Brian in a defensive tone, "no one has achieved two-thirds of the vote yet."
Stannis said, "I have captives to dispose of, a realm to order, a war to fight. It is naught to me which man of you is chosen, so long as you make a choice! Do you want me to decide for you?"
Maester Aemon sighed. "Let's count up the votes again."
Steve looked at the pile of ballots in front of him. "203 for Denys Mallister. 169 for Cotter Pyke. 137 for Janos Slynt, 72 for Othell Yarwyck, five for Three-Finger Hob…" He squinted. "One for… Snot?"
"You'd have to be nuts to vote for me!" Snot declared. "Hell, I didn't even vote for me!"
Steve continued. "And looks like the last one is for… Ralph Nader?"
Toshi raised his hand. "Batafurai tōhyō de mondai ga hassei shimashita." ("I had some trouble with the butterfly ballot.")
Alliser Thorne stood up. "Wise up, you dang slugs! You're just throwin' your vote away on those third-party guys! Vote for Janos Slynt!"
"We'll vote again tomorrow," Maester Aemon declared. The black brothers all dispersed.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Denys Mallister was the commander of the Shadow Tower. He was in his room when there was a knock on the door. It was Steve.
"Well, well," Denys said. "So, you're the one who killed a White Walker. I'd give anything to know how you did it."
"Me too," said Steve. "But I came to talk about something else. Stannis is getting impatient with us. We need to pick a new leader soon."
"It should be me," said Denys. "It would have been me, if that ironman Cotter Pyke wasn't taking votes away from me."
"With all these guys in the election, nobody can get enough votes to win," said Steve. "Somebody needs to drop out."
"I can't drop out," said Denys. "If I do, we'll be stuck with Pyke and Slynt. Cotter Pyke's not refined enough for the job. I don't think he even knows how to read! I'm not stepping aside for him. And Janos Slynt, he's Tywin Lannister's man through and through. If he becomes Lord Commander, he'll make decisions that benefit the Lannisters. The Night's Watch is supposed to be nonpartisan."
"What if there was someone else?" Steve said slowly.
Denys laughed. "Who? You?"
"Not me," said Steve. "Another guy. Lord Mormont trusted him. So did Qhorin Halfhand. He infiltrated Mance Radar's army so he could learn their plans. He brought us the news of the attack. And he's even got a few years of college under his belt."
Denys Mallister stroked his long white beard. "You're talking about Brian Griffin. He might serve, I grant you, though I would be more suitable. I have no doubt of that. I would be the wiser choice."
Steve gulped. He said, "If we don't choose a Lord Commander tomorrow, King Stannis means to name Cotter Pyke. I heard him tell Maester Aemon that after all of you had left."
"I see." Ser Denys rose. "I must think on that. Thank you, Steve."
Then Steve went to Cotter Pyke's room. "Stannis is getting impatient with us," he said again. "We need to pick a new leader soon…"
Cotter cut him off. "You want me to kneel down and kiss the hem of Mallister's pretty cloak, is that it? Well, I won't!"
"You say you won't withdraw for Denys Mallister, but would you do it for someone else?"
"Who? Janos Slynt? I don't trust him a bit. He's got a scrunchy face!"
"No. A fighter. He held off the wildlings who tried to break through the Wall. He was the Old Bear's squire. The only thing is, he's a wolf."
Cotter Pyke laughed. "Bloody hell. That would shove a spear up Mallister's ass, wouldn't it? I'd be better, though. Any fool could see that."
"Any fool," Steve agreed. "Even me. But, well… I shouldn't be telling you, but Stannis means to force Ser Denys on us, if we don't choose a man tomorrow."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Next morning, Denys Mallister and Cotter Pyke both announced they were dropping out of the election.
Janos Slynt smiled wickedly. "Well, looks like it's up to me, then!"
"Not quite," said Steve. "I want to nominate Brian Griffin."
Brian was stunned. "Who, me? I'm not worthy of the honor of being Lord Commander!"
"Yeah, let Brian do it," said Snot. "He must be smart, because he uses lots of big words! And he defended the Wall from all those wildlings the other day!"
Actually, that had mostly been Stewie's work, but Brian couldn't tell them that.
They voted. Brian received the overwhelming majority. When the count was done, Brian found himself surrounded. Some clapped him on the back, while others knelt before him as if he were a lord.
"The Wall is yours," said Maester Aemon. "We are at your command."
Brian couldn't believe it. He had woken up still fearing he would be executed for treason, and now he was Lord Commander. He knew he couldn't mess this up. He would have to play the part as best he could.
"Okay," he said. "The first thing we have to do is go find those mutineers who killed Lord Mormont and punish them!"
