Pehea wau i ʻike ai i kou makuahine

Based on the characters and stories of Hawaii Five-0.

Hawaii Five-0 is owned by CBS and their respective creators.


"Final boarding call for flight 421. All passengers please proceed to gate 34-A."

Catherine listened to the announcement over the intercom as she stood in line with her ticket in hand. She bit back the tears that were pricking at the back of her eyelids. Steve and the team had been called away on a case and she hadn't heard from him since he promised to call Joe White to help her get into Afghanistan. He was angry at her for choosing this and she knew it.

This was something she had to do. Billy Harrington's last words to her in a letter came back in her mind. "Extraordinary women make the choice that's right, and rarely is that the choice that's safe." Catherine wanted to cry. She wanted to turn her plane ticket into confetti, hail a cab, and go home. But that was the safe option and she would never be able to live with herself if she took the easy way out. As Steve would always remind her, "The only easy day was yesterday."

"Hey, Stubborn!"

Catherine looked over her shoulder to see who the obnoxiously loud passenger was.

"That's right. You." Steve grinned as he held up his ticket, "Hold that flight." She bit her lip and tried to keep from smiling, but it was to no avail. Other passengers bypassed her as she stood frozen. Steve caught up with her at the gate, "Well, you didn't think I was gonna let you go alone, did you?" He leaned in and wrapped a strong arm around her shoulders and pecked her lips. One arm still slung around her shoulders, Steve declared, "I got the window."


"Let me see that." Steve reached for her bag and hoisted it into the overhead compartment before squeezing past her and settling into the window seat. He dug around in his pocket and pulled out a small pill bottle. "Hey." His gruff voice stilled the nerves warring inside of her. "I got your six."

Catherine's stoic demeanor immediately turned into a smile as she took the Dramamine from him, "Thank you."

Steve waited as she tossed the pills back before taking her hand. "Cath, you, uh, you remember right before your retirement ceremony. I told you that you didn't have to do this alone." He gave her hand a squeeze, "I meant it. And, uh, you know I don't make promises that I can't keep."

The corners of her mouth flickered with a cocktail of happiness and trepidation. Her words wavered as she asked, "I'm making the right choice... Right? Going after Najib?"

He exhaled a slow breath, "Yeah. You are." He bit down on the inside of his cheek, "You know, I, uh I remember when it happened. When you were MIA..."

"Yeah?"

Steve nodded. "Your dad called me. He said you were supposed to call them and didn't. And I knew… I just knew something was wrong." He lifted their joined hands and kissed her knuckles as the flight attendants passed through the cabin for their final checks before take off. "I stayed up all night calling everyone I knew and finally got through to your C.O." He cleared his throat, "By then, you had, uh, gotten back inside the wire and had done your debrief."

She swallowed the lump in her throat, "We weren't together then."

"I know." His stormy eyes pierced hers, "Just because we weren't together didn't mean I stopped caring." Catherine laid her head on his shoulder and he rested his cheek on top of her hair, "Just so you know," Steve murmured, "I know you don't need me. I know you can take care of yourself, but I want to be here."


Catherine startled and woke up with the shuddering of the plane as the pilot maneuvered them through a patch of bad weather. Her dream had been so vivid. Laying in the minefield. A bullet to the leg, a broken arm, and a pain so sharp in her spine that she thought she was going to die. One thought invaded her mind - panic. The next second brought another thought just as fast and explosive as the first: Steve was beside her.

And all that fear dissipated.

The entire experience had taken less than a heartbeat. But it had been so acute, she couldn't even pretend it hadn't happened. Catherine had woken up terrified, and Steve's presence had made her feel safe.

"Hey." His gruff, Ambien-induced voice melted over her like honey and whiskey. "You okay?"

Catherine nodded, "Mhm." She laid her head back in the corner of his shoulder and snuggled closer to him as he tucked her into his side. "I'm with you."


89 Hours Later


"Catherine, you alright?! Where the hell are you? I've been trying to call you like a hundred times." Danny snapped.

Catherine's breath shuddered when she heard Danny's voice. She doubled over in the corner of Amir's house. Her knees hit the dirt floor. All she could manage was a groan of agony and three little words,"Is he alive?"

"He's alive. He's gonna be alright. Look, we, uh, we have chaperones with us so I can't talk details. We're refueling at some base in South Korea, but we should be on the ground in Honolulu by twenty-one hundred hours…. That's, that's nine PM, right? Give Steve a call then if you can, okay? I'd have him talk to you now but we got ears listening in and he's uh, he's pretty out of it."

She grimaced as she clutched the satellite phone with an iron grip. "Thank you. Thank you, Danny." She whispered.

"Get out of there as soon as you can, okay? Get your ass back to my boy." Danny scrubbed his mouth with the palm of his hand, "You take care of yourself. Okay? Be careful, Catherine."


After days of hiding from the Taliban, days of nothing but sitting and waiting and worrying- that night, Catherine slept, but didn't dream. She existed in a realm of nothing. She felt nothing but emptiness. Steve was alive. That was all that mattered. That was all she needed to keep going. She awoke at dawn and began to strategize her next move. Catherine stared at the camouflage bag in front of her. Steve's bag. She delicately began to sort through what he had packed.

Two button ups.

Two pairs of boxers.

A pair of socks.

A canteen.

Protein bars.

His passport and wallet.

His set of dog tags with one of hers on the chain.

Dramamine.

Peppermint Gum.

Three beef stew MREs.

The SEAL hoodie.

First aid supplies.

Tears filled her eyes as she clutched the hoodie to her chest. She checked her watch and quickly did the math. Danny and Steve would have landed on O'ahu. Quickly, she reorganized all of his belongings and saddled up his and her bags on the motorcycle. Catherine refilled both her and Steve's canteens from the village well and silently prayed as she dialed his number.

"Hello?" Steve groaned. "Catherine?"

"Hey."

Steve exhaled sharply, "Catherine." He lifted his eyes heavenward in silent thanks as he sunk down into a chair, "Where are you? You okay?

Her voice crackled over the static as she replied,"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. Hassan's men were searching the area, and I had to lay low until they were gone."

"What about the kids?

"They're safe. They're safe." She reassured him.

"Was Najib with them?"

"No." She pursed her lips as she prepared to tell him something she knew would crush him. "No, but I got a lead on where he might be. I think they might have taken him across the border."

Silence. Steve knew what she was saying. He felt the knife twist in his gut. "You're gonna go after him, aren't you?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I am. I have to. And- and I can't come back until I find him." She did her best to keep her tone even and calm, but truth be told, the sound of his voice tore her up inside.

His words were laced with agony and pain and hurt, but going back to be with her wasn't even a question to him. "Okay, well, that's fine. That's fine. I'm gonna come back, all right? I'm gonna come back. We can do this together. I'll help you find him."

"Steve, no."

"Catherine…"

"No, listen to me. You've helped me enough, okay? It's better for me to do this alone. I can keep a low profile that way. It's just easier. You know I'm right." She choked back a sob. Why doesn't anyone ever tell you that choosing to leave the one you love is more painful than death? "You understand why I need to do this, don't you?"

Steve raised his phone away from his ear and pressed his mouth to his wrist as he sucked back tears."Yeah, of course I do. You just promise me…"

"I promise you I'll be careful." They didn't make promises they couldn't keep. She wasn't going to be the first one to break that agreement. "I'll be careful, okay?" She reiterated, though it was barely a whisper.

"I love you, you know." The words slipped out of his mouth so easily. The crushing pressure in his heart reminded him of the weight of those five words. Everything came back in a flood of memories. He had almost said 'I love you' hundreds of times. But when was the first?

His mind went back to the fantail. Her blue cammies next to his as their legs dangled from the alcove. She had offered her hand to him in support as he told her about losing his mom.

He thought about her biting a lime as he tossed back a shot of tequila. The mix of salt and lime and alcohol. Her mouth on his.

Steve thought about her long legs draped across his lap as she studied Pashto and watched the newest episode of Friends in her hole in the wall apartment.

The way she brought him back from the dead when his demons overtook him. The way she held him as he told her all the hellish things he had done in the name of God and country.

The way she fought with him to bring his brother home from North Korea.

The way she loved his sister when she didn't have to.

How she never gave up hope when he was trapped under three thousand tons of steel and concrete.

The way she fought for him.

God, why had he never told her? She was everything. Every moment with her was a million little things.

"I love you, too." She whimpered.

"Okay. All right. Good luck, Cath."

"Thanks." She gritted her teeth, willing herself not to break down. "Aloha."

"Aloha."

The phone went silent and Steve pressed it against his forehead. For the first time in recent memory, he allowed himself to cry. He choked and sputtered and sobbed as he keeled over.

There is a fate worse than death and it's losing someone who means more to you than life itself.


Step by step, Steve drug his feet up the stairs. It was an act of sheer will. He hadn't been in their bedroom since the morning before they hosted poker night. The morning before Amir called. The morning before they left. Now, he was the only one back and he didn't know how he was going to sleep alone.

The bed was neatly made- her doing. Since he had gotten up before Catherine their last morning together, the corners of the sheets and comforter were crisply tucked in a manner that would make a drill sergeant weep tears of joy. Dropping the bag he had been given at the hospital, he eased onto the edge of the mattress. That's when he heard it.

The slight crinkle of paper.

The crunch as he sat on the bed.

Steve slid his hand underneath the sheets until he found the folded paper tucked under his pillow. As he opened the pages, something silver dropped out. He gripped her dog tags in his hand so tightly that the embossed letters of her name were branded onto his palm.


Steve,

I'm writing this while waiting for Joe to get back to me about travel arrangements to Badakhshan. I remember you calling me before the North Korea op. I remember our conversation- every word. We made plans for Prague and then everything changed.

I remember the sound of your voice. I'm telling you this because I remember how scared you sounded. Going back to Kabul, back to Badakhshan- I don't know if I'm ready to face those demons yet. I'm scared.

There's something else I need to tell you. Something I should have told you a long time ago.

I love you.

I should have said it to you in person and I should have said it a long time ago, but I was scared. Scared of getting hurt. I think I finally realized that if I want to be loved, I have to submit to the terrifying trial of being seen. You're the one who sees me better than anyone else. I want you to know how much I love you. Now, I'm more scared that I won't make it back and get the chance to say it to you in person. You know how these ops can go sideways. So, I just want you to know that I do. I love you, Steve. Part of me knows that I always have. I've known it for a long time and I've been a coward not to tell you.

There's one more thing I want you to know. Life is an adventure to be lived, not a series of repetitive days to survive. Being with you has always been my favorite adventure.

If I don't make it back to you, know that I'll be watching your six. I love you.

Fair winds and following seas, Sailor.

Your angel,
Catherine


There were some members of the human race, Steve thought, who made it their duty to tear others down. To try and destroy those around them. And then there were the Catherine Rollins of the world. The ones who cared enough to try and make things better. Even if it was for just one person.


Steve pulled Catherine in his arms as they danced together. His right hand held the small of her back while his left held her hand. The glow of the lamp from the living room was the only light in the house as they slowly swayed in the kitchen.

She rested her temple on his chest as they moved to the steady thrum of his heartbeat. He was her safe place. Her crying shoulder. Her hero. Steve twirled her under his arm, eliciting a quiet giggle from her mouth.

"C'mon." He murmured as his fingers trailed along the hem of her shirt. "Kids are asleep. Let's go upstairs." Quietly, they tiptoed up the stairs. Steve shut the door behind them and let his hands fall onto her hips. He backed her up until her legs hit the side of the bed. Firmly, he pushed her to sit and she complied. Steve gingerly lifted her shirt until it was over her head and on the floor. He sat down behind her and brushed her hair to the side. His hands methodically worked at the knots she had from hefting around a toddler and an infant.

The calluses on his hands scraped against the scars that trailed along her spine. Carefully, he contorted and brushed his lips against the pinstripe scare that was the reminder of her broken vertebra. His hands steadied her waist as he eased up and kissed the gnarled scar tissue just under her shoulder blade that, by his guess, was evidence of stitches done while in the field. He straightened up and kissed the star tattoo. Her six.

Mel had told him to be patient. That Catherine would come around to talking to him about her time with the CIA when she was ready. Steve knew Catherine better than anybody. That's why he felt it was time to finally ask, "Will you tell me? I, uh, I wanna know, Cath."

He felt Catherine's pulse quicken and then slow. Calmly, she got up from the bed and opened the closet. She dug around for a moment before producing a cardboard moving box. He took it out of her hands and peeled the tape off the seam, quietly chuckling at the GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, DANNO message he had scribbled on the box when he had helped her pack up her house in Virginia years prior. As he opened the cardboard flaps, he saw stacks of identical, leather-bound journals, each with a number on the spine. "They're chronological." She said.

"You kept journals?"

Catherine nodded as she fished out the journal with a "1" on the binding. "Remember how I left you that letter before Afghanistan?" She waited for Steve to nod before she continued, "I realized that it was important for me to write everything down… even if I was too scared to talk about it. When everything happened with The Agency, I knew I didn't want to leave this earth without someone knowing where I had been and what I had done. So I did. I, um, wrote it all down... Everything." She took a deep breath, "And I think I'm ready for you to read them."


AUTHOR'S NOTE

I love you (all), you know.

XO,

-Mags-


l