AN: Oof it's been over a month since my last crosspost. Either way, here's "The Harder I Try, I Can't Forget You", title from Larger Than Life by The Feelers, written for Perryshmirtz Week day 2 back in October.

Soulmate AU with very few changes, because my favourite thing to do with soulmate AUs is to insert the soulmate thing just offscreen where you can't say canon didn't have it.


Perry the Platypus had a problem. Said problem was about six foot two, had messy brown hair, a whiny voice, bright blue eyes that lit up at every scheme, and went by the name Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz. His nemesis.

And also, though he dearly wanted to ignore this fact, his soulmate.

At night, or ideally during the day, he dreamed of warm hands and a soft voice, and had done ever since he'd hatched. Not every night. Between his worst nightmares, and the occasional blissfully dreamless sleep, he only had the other dreams about once a week, comforting in the moment but troubling upon waking.

His forays into Candace's room, sneaking in while she was asleep to read her teen magazines, had given him the answer: he had a soulmate. A perfect match in every way.

The thought had unsettled him, even at the time, when all he knew of his soulmate was that presence. A great romance, if the magazines were to be believed.

Pacing around his lair, he'd growled under his breath, processing that information. Who was fate to decide for him? He already had all the relationships he needed in his owners, his family, his home. That was enough for him. Besides, he didn't have the time for a soulmate, between his job and his family.

Then he'd met the man.

It had been obvious to him from the first fight, the first time his new nemesis had laid hands on him, that this was who he'd dreamed about. His supposed soulmate. The thought was anything but reassuring.

His response was to throwing himself into his work, taking on assignment after assignment, driving himself to exhaustion, collapsing onto the nearest bed each night for what little sleep he could get away with. If he didn't dream, he'd reasoned, he could forget he had a soulmate at all.

Weeks passed, in which his nemesis never brought up the concept of soulmates even once. Perry had come to know Doctor D fairly well in that time, the result of barely going a day without needing to thwart the man, and he knew the man could not help himself when it came to expressing each and every thought, no matter how petty. There were only two possibilities. Either the soulmate bond only went one way and he wasn't Doctor D's soulmate, or the man was-

"A platypus?" Doctor D gasped, not for the first time, and Perry put on his agent fedora with a sign. Somehow the man still didn't recognise him without it. "Perry the Platypus?"

-Oblivious.

Of course Doctor D was oblivious. Perry had figured that out long ago, during a dime he thought of only as The Peter The Panda Incident.

Why he'd taken the man back as a nemesis after that, on the other paw, he had no idea. Doctor D wasn't a bad nemesis by any means, merely inconvenient to Perry's plans for his life.

Or maybe it was that Perry, as much as he resented the fact he had a soulmate in the first place, still couldn't bring himself to refuse the man. Thwarting his nemesis was his job, and that included thwarting the attempted destruction of his nemesisship.

His nemesis brought up dreams, one day, mid-monologue, an aside about dreams of curling around a furred body. Like Perry's own. Except the man never reached that obvious conclusion, no matter how much Perry tensed with apprehension and dread, waiting for the man to voice his other greatest fear. And yet, all the man did was link the dreams to a backstory, of all things.

A certain Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz had, apparently, been raised by ocelots. If Perry hadn't come to know the man so well by this point, he might have been surprised.

As it was, he was more glad the man hadn't realised what he'd lose when Perry's reassignment paperwork went through. Any day now, he told himself, with gritted teeth. The sooner he got away from his soulmate, the better.

That it would cost him his family, he hadn't expected.

He kept his face straight for the majority of the reassignment briefing, too professional to openly dance for joy the way his heart wanted, then Major Monogram had continued, giving him the bad news. Relocation. A new host family. His good mood shattered, replaced once again with dread. But what other choice did he have? He'd asked for this, and orders were orders. New nemesis, new host family, new life.

And his old food bowl, a memento to remember this family by. He couldn't afford to take anything more.

At least he was far away from Doctor D now, he told himself, all the way to his new nemesis's lair in the middle of the desert. That almost made it okay. Almost.

Said new nemesis barely acknowledged his existence, and threw him carelessly into a trap that didn't give him any opportunity to escape. He didn't even have a monologue for Perry. Maybe, Perry tried not to think, he'd been better off with Doctor D. The man was a far better nemesis than this The Regurgitator.

But a soulmate? No, Perry refused. He'd never asked for a soulmate, he had no need of one, he had his family and his job, he didn't need a soulmate, or fate making decisions for him for that matter. Just once, he wanted some control over his own life.

Then Doctor D showed up. The last person Perry wanted anything to do with in that moment, for reasons that should be obvious.

For one thing, Perry couldn't predict how the man would take the news of him thwarting someone else. Not like The Peter The Panda Incident, he'd at least made sure the man would know he was thwarting something else via a request for a gift basket sent to Doctor D's apartment, but was this really any better? Replacing his nemesis...

Thankfully, Doctor D didn't so much as comment on that part. In fact, the man barely addressed Perry at all, instead sucking up to this new nemesis, to the point Perry had no other option than to believe the parting gift basket had described this The Regurgitator as particularly Evil. Perry, alas, had learned all too well how fragile Doctor D's self-esteem could be even at the best of times.

Perry didn't regret his actions, as such. Merely the fact that Doctor D had chosen to follow him.

For one thing, taking a three-year internship? Perry had seen what happened to interns at the O.W.C.A., particularly unpaid interns, and even Doctor D didn't deserve that. Let alone the shirt the man wore. Not for the first time, Perry wished the man had more self-respect.

He got an uncomfortably close view of said shirt when Doctor D started tinkering with the wiring of the trap, muttering under his breath. "Evil scientists these days, don't even know how to put in a proper release button. What's the point of Evil if you're not going to give your nemesis a fair fight?" A sentiment Perry couldn't help but agree with.

As the man worked, Perry took note of everything he'd rarely had the chance to pay attention to mid-thwart, for lack of a better option. Doctor D's intense focus on his work, as steely-eyed as Perry himself could be. The steadiness of his fingers. That the man could be quiet for more than half a second, his tongue sticking out whenever the man wasn't busy listing his every gripe and complaint.

More importantly, in this moment, that the man had installed a release button in the trap, just within reach. If Perry wanted, he could press it now. But, as with Doctor D, he waited. Had to pick his moment.

"Don't look at me like that, Perry the Platypus," Doctor D muttered, louder, slipping his tools back into a pocket and picking up the nearby mop to scrub the floor. Covering the evidence. "I know what you're thinking. I-I'm not some lowly intern. I'm Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and he should be bowing to me."

If he said so. Perry exhaled, eyes narrow and expectations low, as Doctor D stormed over to The Regurgitator. And retreated back. A glare from him sent the man scurrying once more, standing up to the much-taller Regurgitator.

The cage didn't allow much freedom of movement so Perry watched out of the corner of his eye, listening intently. Rocket shoes, a self-destruct button...

Of course Doctor D had already pressed said button.

"But at least I didn't push the release button I installed inside Perry the Platypus's cage," the man added with apparent pride.

That was Perry's cue. Slamming his foot onto the button, he freed himself at last, a plan forming in his mind already. Doctor D had already told him what to look for. Between the man's inventions, and a lever Perry had noticed when first entering the room, he could make it. If he was fast enough.

Sacrificing his food bowl to hit the lever, he jumped at the rocket boots, and got them all out before the place exploded. It had been hard to give up such a prized possession, but what other choice did he have?

Doctor D owed him.

Not that the man seemed to notice that either, still monologuing as Perry bore them away with the rocket boots. "You saved me, Perry the Platypus. No idea why, you're very hard to read, unless... You do care? Either that or you're too much of a Good Guy. I mean I would have been fine, I've blown myself up before, but it's a nice gesture! And here I'd wondered if you wanted to leave, if you've had enough of me, but I guess not, he really was a bigger threat-"

Wincing, Perry clenched the man's lab coat tighter in his fingers. Doctor D was more right than he knew.

"You left me?" Doctor D said, hurt evident in his voice, and Perry wondered what gave him away. "Deliberately? I- Wow, I thought we had something, but I guess not. Do I mean anything to you?"

Perry exhaled. Maybe he'd acted too rashly, let his feelings affect his job. What did it matter if Doctor D was his soulmate? It wasn't like he needed to do anything with that information, especially with the man too oblivious to realise himself.

But not too oblivious to realise what Perry had done. "Do you even want to thwart me?" Doctor D continued, and Perry wasn't sure if it was the wind or if the man's voice was catching. "After everything I've done for you..."

Like helping him thwart The Regurgitator. Doctor D hadn't said as much, but it was hard to mistake his actions for anything else. Perry supposed the man had a reputation to keep up as an evil scientist. And yet, what Perry had seen was definitely sabotage. Lining everything up for a perfect thwarting...

Not even for the first time, he realised all at once. All their fights had followed the same exact pattern. Trap, monologue, fight, self-destruct button, Doctor D cursing his name. And Perry returning to his owners that afternoon, without fail. How many other evil scientists could give him that? Not many, if any.

"Why?" Doctor D demanded, a definite crack in his voice now. "Things were going so well, I thought I gave you what you needed... Were you getting bored of me? You were, weren't you? I can tell. Go on, you can say it, tell me how I wasn't Evil enough for you..."

That wasn't it, but how could Perry tell him the truth? Soulmates. The thought still made him shudder, so the last thing he wanted was for the man to know. He'd make it Perry's problem. Moreso than it already was, anyway.

But Doctor D had asked. And his cover didn't depend on the answer, so as his resolve crumbled Perry found himself shaking his head, hoping the man could feel it through the lab coat that was all that connected them. It was nothing the man had done. Merely a decision that had been made for them, whether they wanted it or not. Doctor D hadn't chosen to be soulmates either.

What the man had chosen, on the other paw, was to give Perry a choice of his own, after The Peter The Panda Incident, and again now. To return to their nemesisship as it was, or move on.

Heaving a sigh, Perry sent a message to Major Monogram.

His watch beeped a second later, with a new message from Major Monogram himself, to congratulate him on his victory over The Regurgitator. And, more importantly-

"You can return immediately to your host family, and Doctor Doofenshmirtz is once again your nemesis."

-Exactly what he'd asked for. Fate may have chosen Doctor D to be his soulmate, but he'd chosen the man as his nemesis. No one else could keep up with him the way Doctor D could.

"So if we're enemies again," Doctor D began, "does that mean?"

Perry let go. That was what enemies did, after all. While he still didn't want a soulmate, having a nemesis... Doctor D was a good nemesis. He hoped the man knew that. From the man's scream as he hit the ground, Perry suspected he did.

Music filled the air as he approached Danville once more, and he smiled to himself. He'd expected nothing less from his family.

That night, he took advantage of Candace's misplaced guilt to curl up on her bed, partly as reassurance that he didn't blame her for what she couldn't know was O.W.C.A. business, and partly so he could flick through her magazines when she wasn't looking. If he was going to keep in contact with his soulmate, he needed to know what to expect, what to look out for, and especially what loopholes he could find.

And, buried deep within the pages of one of them, was the information he so desperately needed, for his own peace of mind: that a soulmate bond meant only that the relationship would be important in some way, nothing more. In other words, exactly what he already had with his nemesis.

For an agent, nemesisship would always be a life-defining relationship, and frequently also a death-defining one. He'd always known that.

Most importantly, nothing would have to change.

Having found what he was looking for, Perry relaxed, a weight off his shoulders. The implications of a soulmate had always bothered him, particularly with how the magazines had always framed the bond. But what he had was a nemesis. That was who his soulmate was to him, a lifelong enemy.

That night, he dreamed of his nemesis once more. Warm hands pinning him down, a soft voice as the man monologued, and when Perry woke it was with a smile.

Over the coming months, as his nemesisship developed further, he would come to take comfort in its stability. Nemeses fought. Nemeses gave each other something to strive for. Nemeses supported each other. Nemeses held hands. Nemeses apologised. No one ever said any of it had to be a soulmate thing.

Doctor D was still a problem, but the man was, more than anything, Perry's problem to look after. As a nemesis. That was what mattered, and Perry wouldn't have it any other way.


AN: I may end up writing a sequel to this someday, where Heinz finds out they're soulmates. (As always, don't hold your breath.)