Author's note: tw for maybe depression? It's more of melancholy from what happened but just in case, I wanted to let you know. Brief mention of sick. Also in this chapter it mentions once students reach their third year they get 8am classes added to their timetable. I do need to go back and adjust a few things in book one and two to match this new decision I made, but I haven't changed it yet. Nothing big, mostly just a couple small tweaks here and there.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Weird.
Wrong.
Invasion of privacy.
Don't.
Don't.
Remus lay on the floor in the dark, blood smeared across his face. He stared blankly at the ceiling, unaware of how he wound up where he was—not sure even where he was until he tipped his head to one side. The little room behind the bench. As far as he knew he was the only living person in the school that knew about the room, so he didn't need to worry about being found.
It was like his cellar: no light whatsoever. The only entrance was the one shut tightly by the bench, though he did sense there was some sort of ventilation. Not that he liked his senses at the moment. His stupid wolf senses had ruined everything. Still, after thinking about his cellar for a moment he got his wand out, lighting it up. He set it to one side so it wasn't in his face, then pressed his face back into his satchel.
He tasted blood in his mouth. Part of the blood was from his nose. He vaguely remembered his vision going blacker and blacker until that cooling snap inside his brain, and blood pouring out of his nose. He thought he also bit his tongue at some point.
Slowly he brought his arm up, wiping some blood off on his sleeve. There was quite a bit of dried blood clogging his nose and he had to blow his nose a few times before he could somewhat breathe. What he wanted to do was rip his nose right off his face, to destroy it until he stopped being so—
Weird.
Don't. Invasion of privacy.
INVASION OF PRIVACY!
Wrong.
Weird.
Well, he thought, pushing himself into a kneeling position. Guess he's finally realized.
Part of him felt that rushing sort of feeling, like he was flying through the air. An unfortunate dizzying exhilaration at the knowledge his friend (friend? Were they still friends?) finally got it, finally understood that Remus—his whole being—was wrong.
But he also felt so empty. Drained.
He kinda wanted to cry again, but didn't think he had tears left.
Deserve it. I deserve it. Shouldn't have brought it up, you're different, you're so bloody different, you're not human and now it's been pushed in his face so he can't pretend otherwise anymore. You shouldn't have done it but you did and now everything's destroyed.
He wiped his face off, adjusting his position until he sat on the floor with his legs stretched out. Would Sirius tell James and Peter? Probably. He should. Should explain to them how wrong Remus was.
Is this it? He looked at the blood on his sleeve. Is this how our friendship ends?
It wouldn't be as painful as other ways, really. Remus had screwed up big time, but at least he had gone down—so to speak—trying to help Sirius. He got what he deserved, but at least the hurt he caused was out of a good place in his heart. Right? Or did that not matter?
After what felt like an eternity, he began to wonder what time it was. How long had it been? Since he wasn't sure how long it had been since everything had gone fuzzy—right after Sirius stormed off—nor how long since he came to. Long enough that his stomach was growling. He hadn't eaten much lunch due to all the honeybob bulbs he munched on in Herbology, so it might be before supper, though he guessed it was around five.
His stomach growled louder. No, don't want to, he thought, staring bleakly at the exit. The thought of going to the Great Hall and potentially seeing Sirius (being rejected by him) was too crawly. After another ten minutes (maybe?) he remembered having sweets in his bag. Slowly he pulled his satchel over, digging through until he found a box of pear drops. Probably not the healthiest with the honeybobs earlier, but it didn't matter. Not like too much sugar could do anything detrimental to him. He could eat nothing but sugar for the rest of his life and be fine.
One by one the pear drops disappeared into his mouth without him even tasting them. His stomach hurt for a few minutes after, but at least it wasn't growling anymore.
He lay back down on his side, curling up, trying to think of anything except what happened. Trying to get Sirius's angry face and angry words out of his head. He wanted to try to claw the thoughts out of his head, which he would be in a couple nights anyway. The full moon was Saturday. Then, providing the clouds didn't cover the moon, he'd shrink into nothing for a while.
Not that it'd really feel like a while for him, the time as the wolf seemed to pass by in the blink of an eye. He would technically get a break but it wouldn't feel like one for him. He'd be in pain, everything would go black, then after no time at all he'd be in pain again and back to human. Back to dealing with this.
Suddenly he felt a sharp pain inside of him and he bolted upright. What if—what if Sirius was so angry he didn't care about Remus's secret? What if he said something to somebody? He didn't talk to people outside the Marauders except for Kim on occasion, but what if—
Would Sirius do that? As angry as he was (and as much as Remus deserved that anger) would he betray Remus? Remus didn't think so, however perhaps that was him holding onto hope. Perhaps he was being delusional, stupid, and naive. Should he be afraid?
Should he go to Dumbledore?
Or was he thinking too much about it?
Was it really as bad as he thought it was? Was he reading too much into it? Was he hurting so much from Sirius realizing how inhuman he was that he was blowing what happened out of proportion? Maybe it wasn't as bad as he thought?
Remus let out a moan, feeling too confused to figure anything out. Too hurt to think about what might be going on through Sirius's head. The best course of action would be to try to talk to him again, but that also seemed like the worst course of action at the same time. He knew Sirius would reject him, reject any attempts, and it would hurt.
It was better to lay in a shuddering ball of agony in a dark room by himself than deal with it.
/\/\/\/\/\
Remus drifted in and out of consciousness till one point he opened his eyes to find Theodore in the room with him. He yelped, jerking back and bumping his head. Theodore frowned as an apology, then motioned towards the blood.
"I—I'm f-fine," he muttered, sitting up. "Nosebleed." Theodore tipped his head to one side, frowning more. "Nothing bad," Remus promised and Theodore gave him a look. "I—I upset one of my friends. That upset me."
"Hmm," Theodore said, which was about as much as he usually said on the rare occurrence that he made noises.
Remus tried his best to judge what the sound meant. "It was my fault. It—oh, well, it's a long story." Theodore looked around the room before shoving his hand through his own chest, then rolling his eyes along with a shrug. "Right. You… have no where you need to be." Theodore shook his head. "It's complicated." Another look. "I made assumptions. I—I assumed something of him, and tried to protect him from something he didn't like. He was angry at me for invading his privacy. Which I did. I absolutely did. He yelled at me. I was distressed about it, so I came here to be alone."
At that Theodore pointed at himself then pointed at the door, his eyebrows raised. Remus knew what it meant.
"No, you—you can stay. Yes, I'm sure," he added when the ghost gave another frown. "It is easier to talk to you than… them. I suppose it's less frightening. I mean. I worry all the time about messing up my friendships. Then I go and do just that!" He felt his nose begin to itch again. "I'm a self-fulfilled prophecy. All right, I didn't mean to hurt him," he said when Theodore looked at him, "it was an accident. As I said, I made assumptions. I should not have acted upon those assumptions. That was wrong to do."
"Talk," Theodore said, to Remus's shock. He wasn't sure if he had ever heard Theodore actually say anything besides his own name. Once. Over a year and a half ago.
"Wh—what? Um. Talk? I am? About what?" he asked, but Theodore shook his head. "What? Talk about what? I don't—oh. Oh, you mean to him?" He was rewarded with an eager nod. "I don't think he wants to. He was quite furious with me. If I try to talk to him he'll probably ignore me. Or tell me to go away. I don't—I don't want to deal with that."
Theodore gave a very broad shrug, looking annoyed.
"It's easier to hide from my problems," Remus whispered.
Now Theodore looked angry. He began shaking his head vigorously, pointing at the door.
"I—I c-can't. I don't want to."
Theodore stared at him for a few seconds before opening his mouth… then shutting it. He gave a sigh, then made a motion Remus couldn't really decipher. He assumed it meant Theodore couldn't tell Remus what to do. Though it could have meant he thought Remus was an idiot.
"I'll try. All right? Later. Not—not right now. All right?"
Theodore shrugged again. It seemed acceptable.
Remus settled back, massaging his temples. The two sat in silence for a while which was nice. Comforting. Having another being nearby without the need to chat helped Remus calm down a bit more. Eventually he curled back up, knowing he needed to go before long—it was probably getting close to curfew. He couldn't be missing after curfew again. He didn't want a repeat of what happened at the end of his first year.
After another stretch of silence, he got up, shouldering his bag. "I'll try," he promised Theodore, who gave him a smile in return and a thumbs up which looked a bit odd with his eighteenth century uniform.
Remus crawled out from the small room, hurrying along the hallways and going faster when he passed a clock and saw it was almost nine! Curfew was eight! Oops.
He avoided main hallways and ducked behind things whenever he heard voices, though first he went to the owlery to give Arthur his medicine. When he finally reached the Gryffindor tower he fell through the entrance hole, banging his elbow on the way. There were a few usual snickers as he got back up, trying not to look too phased.
Maybe they're not back from James's practice, he thought as he approached the stairs. With the game that Saturday there was every possibility the practice was still going.
But when he approached the door he could hear the Marauders' voices mingling with the music. Mostly just James and Peter. Was Sirius in there? Swallowing, Remus put a hand on the doorknob. Then didn't move. Couldn't move. His feet felt stuck to the floor as a thousand scenarios went through his head, all of them ending with Sirius not wanting to be friends anymore.
He opened the door, and his friends' voices went quiet.
"Remy, there you are!" Peter exclaimed. "We were getting worried!"
James and Peter were on James's bed playing cards, while Sirius wasn't in view although his curtains were closed.
"Everything all right?" James asked, rather lightly.
Remus glanced at Sirius's bed then back at James, shrugging. James pressed his lips thin, averting his gaze back down to the cards. Peter bit his bottom lip, eyes darting from Sirius's bed to Remus.
He must have told them something. Remus crossed the room, setting his bag down on his desk. He felt both floaty and buried at the same time, a strange sensation he didn't like at all.
After removing his tie and his shoes he sat on the edge of his bed, watching Sirius's curtains. He knew Sirius was behind there. He could hear him breathing. Another stupid wolf sense.
Weird. Wrong.
Gritting his teeth he got up, slowly walking over to Sirius's bed. His legs wobbled quite a bit and not in the way they did when Sirius was looking particularly nice. Dread filled his body, and he tried to prepare himself for rejection.
"S—Sirius?" He stopped by the bed, trying not to throw up. Silence behind the curtains. "Sss-S—Sirius?" he tried again, to no avail. James and Peter were watching. "Hey. Um. C—c-c-could we—could we maybe t-talk?" Silence. "A little b-b-bit?" Nothing, except Sirius's breathing sounded a bit odd, as if he were trying to keep it quiet. "Okay. Um. W—well I w-w-wanted—um—I wanted to s-s-say I was—was s-s-s-sss-sorry. Again. Um. I am. And um… I'm sorry." Absolutely nothing. "I—I um… yes. Um. Okay."
He quickly grabbed his wash bag and fled from the room, not wanting to deal with the looks from the other two, not wanting to risk seeing any pity in their faces. At least Spinnet and Struthers hadn't witnessed that humiliation. It was very obvious to James and Peter. They knew Sirius was there. So even if Sirius hadn't told them everything, they knew now it was bad. It was where Sirius didn't even want to hear Remus's apology.
After being sick into a loo, Remus curled up in the shower trying not to cry again.
/\/\/\/\/\
It was very late when Remus left the shower. He was wrinkled all over from spending so much time under the water and shivering from the cold. Slowly he dried off, wishing it wasn't Thursday, wishing he didn't have to deal with another class with Sirius at the moment, but unfortunately they had Astronomy. He shuffled along with the other Gryffindor second years, up to the Astronomy tower where the nearly full moon stared down at them, almost accusatory.
Spring yammered on about constellations and planetary movements without Remus really hearing him. He just stared blankly ahead, hoping Lily would be able to lend her notes since there was no way he could remember anything Spring said.
Sirius's sullen presence on the other side of the tower filled everything.
What do I do? he wondered when they were back in the dorms, everyone preparing for bed. He knew perfectly well he'd be having nightmares that night. No way he wouldn't be! And if Sirius slept in his own bed, he'd be awoken by the nightmares. Then Remus would be laying there knowing Sirius was ignoring him which was fine, it was understandable—but it also would hurt. Besides, he didn't want to wake Sirius up. Didn't want to annoy him any more than he already managed.
He climbed into bed, sitting in the darkness, mulling over possibilities. Leave? Go to the hospital wing? Pomfrey probably wouldn't let him stay because he was afraid of having a nightmare. Could he convince her he had another moment of fear or panic? Like he did before?
At around two in morning, long after everyone else fell asleep, he quietly packed his school bag for Friday's classes as well as putting in a clean uniform and a sheet before tiptoeing out the door. His head pounded with each step he took as he made his way through the school, using his dumb, stupid, awful senses to avoid getting caught. He didn't go to the hospital wing, though; instead he went back to the small room where he did his best to put silencing spells on the exit, not sure if it would even work. Silencing spells were fairly advanced and he hadn't really done them before. There was no way to know for sure if it worked or not, he could only hope.
He set his satchel on the floor, wrapped himself up in the sheet, and lay down using his satchel as a pillow. It was dark, and rather cold but not as cold as his cellar so he figured he could get to sleep. Eventually he did, and sure enough he woke up shortly after with haggard screams from the nightmares. From Sirius betraying him to the Ministry. Pointing at him, calling him a freak of nature. There, there! A werewolf!
Remus curled up into the smallest ball he could manage, shivering hard as tears wet his cheeks.
After a while he fell back asleep, only to wake up from another nightmare of being handed over to the Ministry. WEIRD! WRONG! LUNATIC! FREAK! LOOPY LUPIN! He clutched his head, trying to force the overlapping voices out but they kept getting louder even though he was awake. MONSTER! WRONG! FREAK!
The rest of the night went by like that, and Remus thought he probably only got maybe one full hour of sleep at most. Maybe—maybe—two. It felt like he was dragging himself out of hell itself when he crawled out of the room. All his limbs felt heavy, and his whole body felt slow. It was going to be a long day.
The first thing he did after checking the time at the nearest clock (almost 7, the earliest a second year was permitted out, only five hours after he had snuck out of the dorm) was go to a nearby bathroom where he rinsed his mouth out and tried to smooth down his hair as best he could. He was already dressed in his uniform.
Remus stared at his reflection as he worked on his hair. Despite the full moon not being till the next night, he already looked at death's door with as prominent as the dark circles under his eyes were, in addition to his horribly pallid complexion and miserable expression. Nothing to be done about it. Well, possibly he could do something about the miserable expression but he knew he'd never be able to smile today.
Maybe he'd be willing to hear an apology, now that he's slept, Remus wondered as he made his way to the Great Hall. It was crowded with older students, as once a student reached their third year 8am classes were added to their timetable so most students ate between seven and eight. But no second years.
No Marauders.
Not that he was very hungry. He only managed to eat a piece of toast, and a couple forkfuls of egg. I should eat. If I don't—if I lose weight—then Pomfrey won't be happy. He managed to get another half a piece of toast down, then literally couldn't stuff anymore into his stomach.
Potions didn't start for at least another hour so he went off to the library to wait, trying to read—trying and failing. He kept jiggling his foot, thinking about Sirius and what might happen in Potions. If Sirius didn't want Remus to sit with them, where would he sit? Lily? Aegis? He could probably sit with Aegis. Actually, maybe he should do that anyway. Not even give Sirius the opportunity to reject him again.
Remus waited until almost last minute before hurrying to the dungeons. Sirius, James, and Peter were at their usual desk. James and Peter gave Remus wide-eyed looks while Sirius kept his head pointed straight at Slughorn. Still angry, Remus thought as he went to Aegis's table.
"Is everything all right?" Aegis whispered when Remus sat down.
"N—no." Remus put his Potions book and the kit out on the desk, not sure how much to say. "S-Sirius is m-m-mad at m—at me."
"I see." Aegis glanced at the other Marauders. "I am very sorry to hear that."
At least Slughorn didn't force any pairings, and Remus was able to stay with Aegis. The potion was rather smelly, however Remus was so distressed he didn't really notice… but that also meant he could barely pay attention to the potion. Aegis did most of the work, not complaining, and when class ended he walked out with Remus.
"If you wish to have lunch together somewhere, we could meet up somewhere," he said at the end of the hall.
"S—sorry, I d-d-don't know if I'm up—up to it," Remus said, seeing the Marauders walking towards them. Lily was watching him too, obviously wanting to talk.
"That is fine," Aegis said. "I underst—"
"Remus!" James jogged over, slapping Remus's back before Lily could get in. Aegis gave Remus an encouraging smile before walking off. "Bloody beans, buddy, where have you been all morning?"
Remus clutched at his satchel, trying not to look at Sirius. "I—I woke up v-very early. Went to the—the library."
"You went to bed super late," Pete said. "And you were missing a lot last night?"
What all did he tell them? Wasn't it obvious enough when I tried to apologize? "I—I—I've b-been doing re-resea—re—research," he said carefully, hoping it wasn't too obvious he wasn't looking at Sirius. "We should g-g-get to c—class."
James frowned, his forehead wrinkling. "Siri, Pete, you go on ahead," he ordered, and Remus flinched slightly.
Sirius remained absolutely silent as he strode ahead. Peter babbled a few rather incoherent words out before hurrying after him. Once they were gone, James put his arm around Remus's shoulders. No escape.
"James, I—I'm n-not—not in the mood to—not—I don't really—" But how could he tell James to go away? He didn't want to ruin another friendship.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Ab-b-bout what?"
"Don't give me that," he said firmly. "I know perfectly well you and Sirius are having a row."
Remus sniffled, hugging his satchel tighter. "Don't kn-know what you—you—you mean—"
"Right," James laughed, "I may be dumb but I'm not stupid. Sirius said he was angry with you—didn't say why—then you tried to apologize last night, he snubbed you, you disappear for ages… what's going on?"
He watched his shoes as they walked, though they weren't walking very fast. The other Gryffindors easily passed them until he knew they were going to be the last ones going into Charms. Lily cast him a look as she passed, and he gave her a shrug. "You'll have to ask Sirius," he said once they were alone again.
"Remy…"
He grit his teeth, annoyance flaring up—or trying to. He quickly tamped it back down. It would be ridiculous to get upset at James. He wasn't even that upset at him, only overwhelmed by everything else going on. "I—" He paused, glancing around to make sure they were alone. "I c-can—can smell emotions. All right?"
"Huh?"
It felt awful to be admitting this. "Like—like—like d-dogs do. Hormones. And—and emotions. I c-can smell—sense—if—if—if someone is up-upset or—or happy or other things." Why was it so hard? It felt like even though he tried to get the words out, they got tangled on his tongue. He swallowed, trying to do better, not wanting James to get impatient. "I… sensed Sirius was—was-was—was feeling a certain way. Assumed. I-I—I was—I was wrong. He d—did not like it at-at all."
He was glad to finish, glad to stop speaking. He kinda felt like he had slipped back to the first part of his first year, when talking to people—anyone—was an impossible task. It was difficult still with people he didn't know, but this was James!
James stopped walking, looking at Remus with a puzzled expression. Remus expected James to blow up too; he expected to be shouted out and called things again. Instead, James asked, "What? That's what's got his wand in a knot?"
Remus stopped, turning back to face him. "Yes? R-r-rightfully so. I—I over—overst-stepped boundaries."
"How do I smell?"
He rolled his eyes though felt a little relieved that was James's reaction, and not calling him weird, but it was obvious James didn't quite get it. "L-like you only r-rinsed off after your—your Quidditch practice last night, and—and didn't properly scrub? It—it's not an exact thing. I can't instantly tell. Except for a—for a-a-a few, um, things. I don't—I—I don't blame Sirius for-for-for being upset. I simply don't want to be—to be around him r-right now—I can't. I-I don't want to—to trot after him apol—apologizing every hour unt-til he caves in from—from harassment. If he chooses to forgive me, I—"
"WHAT?!" James shrieked. "I'm sorry, if he what?"
"Ch—chooses to f-forgive me?" Remus whispered.
James put his hands in an X form. "Hold your broom for a second there, if he chooses? He'll forgive you! Of course he'll forgive you, he's got nothing to be upset about—"
"James, he—he's got everything to-to be upset about!" Remus hissed out. "I—I—I invaded his privacy. Very much so invaded his—his privacy. You know Sirius, he—he doesn't like t-to talk about cer-certain things."
"His family," James said bluntly, and Remus gave a small nod. "How did you smell anything involving his family on him? Was he upset over Regulus?"
"No, it—I can't say. It's—it's his business." No way was Remus going to betray Sirius like that, even though he had assumed Sirius would have told James! Assumptions are BAD! "You c-can tell him I've—I've told you this—this much, perhaps he'll t-tell you the rest. That's not for—for me to tell."
James yanked Remus in for a half-hug. "You a good guy, Remy, you know that?"
"I—"
"Nope, no insisting you're not. I'm James Potter, and I say you're good, and nobody can argue against me." James stuck his tongue out before giving Remus a bit of a noogie which sent waves of discomfort through Remus's body; being touched was uncomfortable. "I'll try talking to him. But I really doubt he'll stay mad at you."
Remus wasn't sure. He hoped James's words would prove to be true, but even though James didn't seem completely disgusted by the fact Remus could smell things like that, Sirius's experience was vastly different, and Remus had intruded. Maybe things would get better, but Remus figured they wouldn't, and he deserved it to be that way anyhow.
