Author's Note: Brief mention of feeling sick
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Sirius didn't speak to Remus, didn't even look at Remus as the day progressed. In fact, it sorta seemed like Sirius was angrier than he was the evening before. Peter grew very unhappy once he realized that Sirius and Remus were not making up instantly.
The afternoon was agonizing. Free period after lunch was spent in the library, History and Transfiguration were spent wishing he wasn't there, between classes was spent trying to avoid everyone as much as possible, and once Transfiguration let out he pretty much ran back to the library—under one of the tables, to avoid any possible confrontations. Avoiding James and Peter too, which was probably wrong but he simply couldn't. He was also avoiding Lily which made him feel guilty. He skipped supper then left the library because he didn't want to risk running across Study Group. Couldn't deal with them.
Couldn't deal with anything.
He kept seeing Sirius's cold eyes, and the harsh tone. The anger, the hurt. The emptiness when Remus tried to apologize. It battered his heart, mind, and soul over and over, never relenting. It probably wouldn't have been as bad if the full moon wasn't the next night. It just added to the aching exhaustion and made it hard to think.
Shortly before curfew he crept up to the tower, trying to avoid the Marauders. All three were in the common room when he stumbled in, and he managed to at least get to the bottom of the boys' stairs before he was noticed. Peter called out his name before running over.
"There you are!" he said rather breathlessly. "I've been looking for you all night. You weren't in the library. Um, Evans said you weren't at Study Group."
"No, I—I d-didn't feel like it." Beyond Peter, James was watching them while Sirius studied the cards in his hands. "I'm not… it's fine."
"Can I come up with you?" Pete asked, rather stubbornly.
"No, I—I'd rather b-be alone."
Peter trailed after Remus anyway, joining him in the dorm. He chattered about various things (never talking about what the Marauders got up to in Remus's absence) then put on some music while Remus helped him with homework; which was agony because he really wanted to be alone. While they worked, Remus realized he'd need to ask someone to look after Arthur the next day.
And Tuesday, he realized with a sinking heart. It was a four night full moon. With everything going on, that had somehow slipped his mind. Bloody hell.
"Remy…?"
"Ah?" He blinked a few times, then rubbed his eyes. "Sorry. I'm v-very tired."
"Did you get any sleep last night?"
He thought of the few snatches in the little room. "Not mu—much."
Peter scooted his chair over and nestled his arm up against Remus's arm which would have been nice if touch wasn't so horrendous at the moment. It felt awful, like a blade-y kind of pressure digging into him. It made him want to scream, though he kept it down.
He considered asking Peter to check on Arthur, and trusted Peter would probably be fine, but he'd feel better if he had James help too. If they would. Actually, he'd most like to ask Lily however he couldn't say 'by the way I'm going to be sick for the next four days could you give Arthur his medicine?'. Unless he managed to the next day. Perhaps he could… though, if that failed then Arthur—well, he'd have to see.
After another ten minutes of agony that was Peter brushing up against him while they worked (he was just trying to be comforting; Remus knew this, and that's why he remained silent even though it was painful), Peter finally moved away, telling Remus he ought to take a nap. Remus agreed, thanking Peter for hanging out with him, then practically dove into his bed. That's where he spent the rest of the evening, curtains tightly shut, arms wrapped around Gwyllgi.
At some point Spinnet and Struthers came in, chattering about various things. Their voices dug into Remus's skull and he buried his head under his pillow. A little bit later the other Marauders came in, their voices making it worse. Sirius's voice making it worse.
Remus wasn't actually sure what would be worse. If Sirius sounded normal, like it hadn't affected him, or how he did sound: slightly tense and upset. Even after over twenty-four hours, even with just the Marauders he wasn't angry with. James and Peter were trying to sound normal. They were definitely acting like nothing was wrong. It seemed to be going fine until—
"Where's Loopy?" Spinnet asked.
Remus's chest seized up, knowing Sirius wouldn't defend him. Not expecting Sirius to defend him.
"Don't call him that," James snapped, and Remus's heart sank a little bit that Sirius was silent. "None of your business where he is anyway."
"Seems like he hasn't been around you for a while," Spinnet continued, ignoring James's vague warning. "You guys having a fight or something?"
"Pete, did you hear something?" James asked.
"Nope, not a thing," replied Peter.
Spinnet grunted, muttering 'twats' under his breath. Remus rolled over, hugging Gwyllgi tighter as everyone else in the dorm had fun. Or some semblance of fun. Spinnet and Struthers were playing cards, while the Marauders were playing a board game. Sirius was very quiet as they played, and Remus debated trying to apologize again. He probably should try before he disappeared for four nights…
Long after Spinnet and Struthers went to bed, the Marauders stayed up. Eventually they moved down the common room for a while before returning at around one in the morning. Remus listened to them getting into their beds. Peter was the first asleep, followed by James. He thought Sirius was still awake.
Right, he thought, sliding out of bed, putting weight on his shaky legs. He stared at Sirius's closed curtains, trying to muster the courage to be rejected again. Right. He took a few steps across the floor, his breathing a little more like panting than anything else. Anxiety consumed his body as he tapped lightly on Sirius's bedpost.
"S—Sirius?" he whispered as he forced himself to stay there, forced himself not to run off to the bathroom to cry. Or throw up. Or, most likely, both. "Sirius, please, can—um. I'm s-s-sorry. I r-really am. I'm so sorry for—for what I did. I—" He wanted to say he'd never do it again but he couldn't help his nose picking up stuff like that! "I won't—I won't make assumptions like that again, I—I p-promise. I won't bring it up again. It's—I'm sorry. I r-really am. I d-don't want to—I—I w-want to be friends again, please."
Silence.
Remus closed his eyes, pressing his hand against his stomach.
"Okay, yeah, I—I get that—I—I deserve that. I'm sorry. I won't bother you again."
He turned to leave then noticed Sirius's slippers were not by his bed. And the silence beyond his shut curtains was more silence than there should be.
"Sirius?"
He pushed back the curtains to find an empty bed. He had been apologizing to Sirius's pillow! The curtains fell back into place and he glanced at James's bed. Sirius's slippers were there. He was sleeping in James's bed again.
Not wanting to wake James up, Remus scurried back to his own bed. It took him ages to get to sleep. He didn't mind the risk of nightmares since Sirius never heard the screams when he was behind the spells of James's curtains. Sure enough, he had several nightmares that woke him up. Two with screams, one with crying. It wasn't as bad as the night before, but considering how little sleep he got Thursday night, coupled with how little sleep he got this night, and the moon coming up… he was beyond exhausted come dawn.
/\/\/\/\/\
Aside from going to give Arthur his medicine while everyone was at breakfast, Remus stayed in the dorm for a good long while, not going down to eat until nearly game time. He was wearing a long-sleeved undershirt, the Potter shirt James had gotten them all for the first Gryffindor game, and a thick yellow cardigan over it to stay warm while also showing the front of the shirt. While he didn't want to risk messing up his somewhat decent jeans, he did enchant his belt to be glittery gold, as well as enchant his shoes to be scarlet along with gold shoelaces; same glittering gold as the belt. And, of course, the earplugs hidden under his hair.
Even if he felt like hippogriff poop, he wanted to show support.
The whole Great Hall was abuzz with excitement, a sea of either scarlet and gold or blue and bronze. James, Sirius, and Peter were sitting together, James in his uniform already, practically bouncing in his seat. Peter caught Remus's eye and gave a wave, but Remus shook his head, going past them (with a quick good luck to James) to sit with Lily, Inkwood, and Colgate.
"Is it o—okay if I—"
"Remus, what the hell?!" Lily demanded, not letting him finish.
"Um—wh-what?" he squeaked, terrified he had upset her.
Lily stared at him, absolutely aghast. "You should be in the hospital wing!" she hissed out, seizing his wrist. "You look terrible! You looked bad yesterday, but you look—oh, Remus, you can't be okay."
Remus swallowed, knowing perfectly well how bad he looked. "I'm—I'm okay f-for now. I'm not d-doing great but—but I really want to see the game."
"Don't be daft! You should be resting!" Her fingers tightened a little. "I don't know what's been going on, only you've been missing more or less since you left Defense on Thursday, and you won't even talk to me—but, please, Remus, don't push yourself."
"I—I won't," he half-promised, half-lied. "If I start to—to feel any worse—"
"Worse?" Lily looked him up and down. "How could you possibly look worse?"
Inkwood leaned forward to look past Lily. "Lupin, no offense, but you look really bad. I think Lily's right."
"Yeah, you probably shouldn't go to the game," Colgate agreed, frowning.
Remus shook his head. "N—no, I'm f-f-fine. I promise. I—I know my limits."
The girls reluctantly agreed, and dropped the subject. Lily did ask why he was sitting with them and not the Marauders, and Inkwood said she thought Sirius and Remus were fighting. Remus miserably affirmed that and admitted that's why he had been avoiding people.
Lily gave him a gentle hug. "You can sit with us. Ooh, do you want a headband?" She pulled one out of her bag, offering it to him. All three girls were wearing them. They had lion ears sticking out the top.
Remus hesitated then accepted the headband, putting it on carefully so as not to bother the earplugs.
"You're so cute!" Colgate squealed.
He blushed, ducking his head to quickly get a few bites since half the Great Hall was leaving already. Soon he was heading out with the girls, crossing the grounds to the pitch. It was grey and very chilly out, and Remus was shivering a bit until they got the stands. With all the bodies packed in it was a little warmer. He was sat between Lily and Inkwood, and shortly before the game started Inkwood turned to him and said she was very sorry they were fighting.
"He didn't tell me anything about it, though," she added. "We haven't really talked much, actually. I hope you two can make up really soon."
"Th—thank you," he said, and felt a little guilty for the Bubble Belch.
He had to adjust the sound levels for his earplugs when the commentator began talking, her voice booming and rolling across the stands, and then adjusted it even more when the students began cheering. He cheered when James strut onto the field. It was exponentially easier to pay attention with the sounds muted. It still felt slightly loud, but so much better than it would be without! It just felt like he was listening to the radio at the normal volume his friends liked to have it at. Loud, but not painful.
"JAMES POTTER! JAMES POTTER! JAMES POTTER!" he chanted, clapping his hands. It felt great to be able to join in! The only way it'd be better was if he were with Sirius and Peter. Even without them he was determined to enjoy himself at least a little.
The game started, and he lost track of what was going on. He had no idea what half the commentator said meant and just focused on James. His friend dove, rose, plummeted, spun, jerked to the side, hung upside down, caught the ball, threw the ball, blocked the ball—it was confusing, but brilliant. Remus cheered loudly whenever James got the ball through the hoop! On Inkwood's other side Colgate had a noisemaker she kept spinning wildly above her head. Remus wished he had a pennant or something he could wave.
Except… the game kept going.
Remus grew nervous after an hour and a half, glancing over at the large clock by the commentator's box. It was going on two pm! The latest he could stay was four. At this rate, he wouldn't be able to go back to the castle to celebrate a little if they won—which, really, wouldn't be the worst thing. He didn't feel like celebrating. Didn't want to be in the same room as Sirius. Still, he hoped the game would wrap up before he had to leave!
During one of the timeouts, Remus turned to Lily. "Could I ask you—you for a-a favor? A really b-big favor?"
"Hmm? Of course, anything," she said, squeezing his arm.
He explained about Arthur's medicine, saying he'd need it sometime in the evening. "And if I'm not—not back by T-Tuesday, would you be able to—to give it to him—him Tuesday?"
Lily took the vial. "You know I'm glad to help out. Three drops, after supper tonight?"
"Yes."
"Three drops Tuesday morning and evening?"
Remus nodded. "Yes, I—thank you." He gave her a very grateful hug. "Thank you s-so much. Hopefully I—I'll be back by Tuesday. Honestly, I'll p-probably be back to—tomorrow, I don't think I'm doing as-as-as bad as I look."
Lily narrowed her eyes. "Considering the fact you look ready to die, that isn't a very comforting thing, you know." Then she gave him a light elbow bump. "I am teasing though. I mean, sort of. You do look bad but—oh, you know what I mean." She pulled a face. "I hope?"
"I understand," he said, feeling guilty for having to lie to her. He wished he could simply tell the truth. But even though the Marauders accepted him…
The game continued, and Remus tried not to worry about the time. Two turned to two-thirty, and neither team seemed ready to stop. Come on, Seekers, he thought, scanning the sky for the little flash of gold. He knew that sometimes the teams would wait till they had a certain amount of points, to be ahead… at least, he assumed that was a thing from what he was told. Currently the score was 130 – 110. The Snitch was worth… two hundred points, Remus thought? So it could go either way.
At one point the Seekers did go after the Snitch, but they both lost it when the Gryffindor Beaters got the Ravenclaw Seeker with some Bludgers, and one of the Ravenclaw Chasers got in the way of the Gryffindor Seeker.
Then James got hit in the leg by a Bludger bad enough to knock him completely of course, and flag down. Bell flew up to him, then waved at Madame Hooch. Another time out.
Remus swore under his breath, rubbing his arms from the chilly wind. He'd have to go at around four. There was plenty of time but he couldn't help worry. He wanted to see the end of the game! He watched James, seeing him putting weight on his foot, and nodding at Bell. He seemed okay…
"Ravenclaw is so good this year, they didn't get a chance to show off against Slytherin," Inkwood was saying. "Honestly, we might lose."
"No, we won't," Lily said confidently. "Gryffindor has good players."
"Even Potter?" Colgate asked.
Lily grunted. "Unfortunately. But Charmer is a really good Seeker, she'll get the Snitch soon. I know it."
James scored one more time before the Seekers went into dives. Everyone was on their feet, watching the Seekers zip through the air. Charmer was inching ahead of the Ravenclaw Seeker. Both their arms were outstretched…
Then suddenly the two Seekers slammed into one another and went spiraling. There were gasps, shrieks, and shouts of foul play from both sides. The Ravenclaw Seeker got control of his broom first, pulling up. Charmer spiraled a bit more before yanking herself up only a few feet from the ground.
One hand was in the air, the Snitch firmly in her fingers.
"GRYFFINDOR GETS THE SNITCH! CHARMER GETS THE SNITCH! 280 TO 110 GRYFFINDOR WINS!"
The stands went wild and Lily threw her arms around Remus, hugging him tightly as she jumped up and down. Even with the earplugs, her scream right in his ear was rather deafening. Then Inkwood and Colgate were hugging too, and Remus was squashed between all the girls.
It took forever to get down to the pitch. As Remus wove his way through the crowds he thought this was a benefit to being small. It was easier to duck under arms. He pushed and wriggled his way to the team, seeing Sirius hugging James, spinning him in a circle while Peter bounced next to them.
"J—James!" Remus pushed past a couple of seventh years. "James, congrat—congratulations that was—was amazing!"
James pulled away from Sirius so he could hug Remus tightly. "We won!" he shouted.
Remus managed a laugh. "Yes, I saw! You were b-brilliant! I think. As far as I could t-tell!"
Peter wrapped his arms around James and Remus both. "It was beyond brilliant, it was absolutely—ummmm—beyond brilliant!" he laughed.
Sirius hung back, arms folded, shoulders hunched.
Remus gave James another hug. "I have t-to go—"
"Come party with us!" James begged. "I know he's mad at you but please?"
"I—I c-can't," Remus stammered. "It's—it's nothing to do w-with Sirius. I'm not feeling too g-great. Really bad, actually; I pro—probably shouldn't have come to the game but I really w-wanted to. I should go see Pomfrey. I might need to—to stay in the hospital wing overnight."
James hesitated, then hugged him again. "I thought you weren't looking too great," he said. "All right, I hope you feel better soon. If you are there overnight, I'll come visit you."
"Yeah, we'll come visit you," Peter agreed.
Sirius said nothing even though he was close enough to hear.
The jubilation of watching the game and seeing James win was starting to fade again. Even if Sirius was mad at Remus he could at least keep being happy for James instead of looking like—like—like Snape, all grouchy and sour.
Remus slipped away from them, glancing back. Sirius's face broke into a smile when James returned to his side, and that hurt Remus. The two were hugging again then Sirius joined with Onyx Hooper—the other Beater besides Kim—to get James on their shoulders. Litten and Faircauldron had Charmer on their shoulders and she was pumping the Snitch above her head.
Sirius looked so happy, arm around James's leg, face upturned towards his friend.
Remus bit his lip, hurrying away from the crowd. He wriggled his way through until he found the girls, and told Lily he was feeling faint and would be going to the hospital wing. "If I'm not at supper, I'm going to say go ahead and take care of Arthur," he said, having to shout in her ear to be heard above the crowd. "I should be back tomorrow though."
"If you're not by Tuesday it's Tuesday, right?"
"Yes. Again, th—thank you so much—"
"And Thursday?" she asked, turning wide eyes to him.
"Um, y—yes," he said. He couldn't very well say he knew he'd be back by Thursday, especially if he was mentioning Tuesday! "Thank you. Again. You—you're absolutely am—amazing."
She gave him a very quick peck on the cheek. "Get better soon!"
/\/\/\/\/\
Even though the earplugs completely helped, it was sweet relief when he went into the quiet hospital wing. Well, not super quiet. Shortly after he arrived the victims from the game began showing up. There were several bystanders who had gotten hurt at various points, as well as several members of both teams, James included. He waved merrily at Remus, hurrying over to join him.
"The Bludger walloped me," he said. "I need to make sure nothing's broken."
"You're w-walking on it," Remus said.
James sat down next to him, propping his leg up and pulling his boot off. Remus cried out, seeing James's foot was swollen as well as black and blue.
"James!"
"Beautiful, isn't it? I had Pete take a picture."
"WHY?!" Remus yelled, ignoring the looks everyone gave him.
James shrugged, stretching his legs out. "Victory wounds! It makes me happy."
Pomfrey soon came over, informing James his ankle was sprained. She gave him medicine, told him to try to stay off his foot until the next day, then sent him on his way. James punched Remus's arm before running off, most definitely not keeping any weight off his injured foot.
There were so many people in the hospital wing that four pm came and Pomfrey was still busy. Remus fidgeted, not sure what to do. He didn't want to bother Pomfrey, however it was getting late. It wasn't as if he needed Pomfrey to get under the Willow… though it'd probably look weird if he simply left the hospital wing. How was she even going to get him out with everyone there anyway?
Then suddenly she was at his side. "I'm so sorry," she said, smelling even stronger of medicine than usual. "This was a rough game. I don't have very long, so we need to hurry."
Remus followed her into her office. From there they went to her private rooms, and then out into the school. Remus had a large cloak wrapped around himself to keep him somewhat hidden from view as he followed Pomfrey who was taking quick steps. They made their way outside. Everybody was inside at this point and there wasn't much chance of them being spotted. She left him after opening the passageway, watching until it closed behind him.
"Lumos." He crept down the passageway, his satchel banging against his side. He always felt small going along the passage alone, even though it was a fairly cramped passage.
Once inside, Remus sat down on the couch as everything poured back into him. The fight, Sirius's anger, the happiness from the game, the pain from Sirius being so—so distant.
He curled forward, burying his face in his hands. He was too tired to cry, too tired to do much of anything but dwell on the misery until finally he forced himself to go up to the bedroom. He stripped off, putting everything in the wardrobe. He tucked a pillowcase in the metal box (Sirius's box) and put the earplugs in there. He put that in the wardrobe too, knowing he'd be unable to read.
Peter's blanket was downstairs, and Remus trudged down there. He was naked, cold, and on the verge of passing out. The sunset would be coming soon so there really wasn't much time, but once he wrapped himself in the blanket he wound up falling asleep anyway until the wolf began ripping itself out of his body, tearing apart his delicate human skin, and twisting his body into the canine shape. He screamed and cried until the wolf took over, and everything faded into emptiness.
