Preface
LovesickPosted originally on the Archive of Our Own at /works/7881139.
Rating:
Mature
Archive Warning:
Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Fandom:
Harry Potter - J.K. Rowling
Relationship:
Remus Lupin/Harry Potter
Character:
Harry Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black
Additional Tags:
Drama
Collections:
Ink Stained Fingers
Stats:
Published: 2003-12-03 Words: 25253
Lovesick
by Wishful Dreamer [archived by ISF_Archivist]
Summary
Momentarily losing control of the wolf inside him, Remus claims Harry as his mate. Is the wolf's desire to be with Harry strong enough to drive Remus mad?
Warnings: OotP Spoilers, Dark Themes.
Notes
This story was originally archived at Ink Stained Fingers, which was created in 2002 as a home for Harry Potter slash fiction. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in January 2015. We e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author or artist, please contact me using the e-mail address at the Ink Stained Fingers collection profile.
Author's notes: This fic is part of the 'Mortal Moon' Harry/Remus Fuh-Q-Fest http/groups./group/mortalmoonfest/. Challenges: 3, 39, and 52. Feedback is very welcome, especially con crit.
Lovesick
Lovesick
"Harry?"
Harry blinked and forced himself to focus on Sirius, who stopped waving his hands in front of Harry's face. "Huh?"
"You were staring out the window when you're supposed to be doing your homework. You'll bring McGonagall down on my head."
Harry sighed and tried to remember where he'd stopped. Nothing looked familiar. He would have to reread the entire chapter.
He shut the book with another exasperated sigh. "Sirius, what's wrong with Remus?"
Sirius looked up, frowning. "There's nothing wrong with him. What made you think there was?"
Harry shrugged. He didn't know how to explain the odd feeling of something not being right. "He just looks so down. Has he been ill?"
Sirius ran a hand through his hair, looking at a loss. "Not that I know of. It's true he's been a bit down, like you said. It's partly my fault. He's been like that ever since I convinced him it's safe to run in the woods every full moon."
"Does he hate it?" Harry asked. He wouldn't be surprised if Remus did; it had always been Remus' greatest fear that he might lose control and hurt someone.
"No, not at all," Sirius said. "He loves it far more than I do. The wolf in him never did appreciate being locked up. Remus might be in control of his faculties, but the wolf has its own needs."
Harry frowned in confusion. "Then what?"
"We used to be more or less a pack, in our school days, with James and Peter..." Sirius' expression darkened for a moment at the memory. Then he shook his head, as if dispelling it. "Remus misses running with a pack. I thought I would be enough for him, but neither of us realized the wolf would have its own feelings on the matter."
"Oh," Harry said. He couldn't think of anything else to say, so he pretended to return to his Transfiguration textbook. In truth, he wasn't paying any attention to what was in it. He was thinking.
Here, at last, was something he could do for Remus. If Remus wanted a pack, he should have one. And Harry would help.
He had, at various times, been jealous of Remus and Sirius. Every full moon the two would go into the forest, chasing each other playfully among the trees. Harry would watch them as long as he could, until the two disappeared from sight. He had always felt it was something he could never share in. He had accepted that it was their special time together and that they didn't want anyone else.
But that seemed to have been the wrong assumption to make.
Sirius was engrossed in a magazine, so Harry felt safe in setting aside his textbook and running over to the Restricted Section. What a perfect opportunity, when Madam Pince wasn't there, and Sirius was clearly not going to enforce the rules like he was supposed to. It would have been even better had Sirius not been around, but Harry had accepted the fact that as long as the last of the Death Eaters remained at large, the staff at Hogwarts felt he would be safer with an escort. They didn't want him alone in the evenings, even to study in the library.
He scanned the titles quickly, and found what he was looking for almost right away. He was amazed, really, that Dumbledore had allowed the book to remain in the library.
He returned with the book hidden in his robes, and sat down, taking up his textbook again. He stole a glance in Sirius' direction.
Sirius turned the page and looked up. "Were you looking for something?"
"Oh, no, I was just checking Hagrid's cabin," Harry lied.
"Still not back?" Sirius asked sympathetically.
"No."
"Don't worry, he'll turn up."
Harry nodded, and Sirius returned to his magazine. Harry pulled out his book and hid it behind the larger Transfiguration textbook, just in case Sirius happened to glance his way to check up on his progress.
He skipped the introductory chapters. He didn't need to read the warnings of possible dangers. He had already made his decision, and he wasn't going to worry himself unnecessarily with the details. He went straight to the step by step guide.
He wished Hermione was there to make sense of everything for him. But then, if she had been there, he was sure she would tell him that under no circumstances was he to even think of attempting to become an Animagus. And if he somehow managed to insist, she would want him to enlist Sirius' help, at the very least.
Harry had a perfectly good reason for not wanting to involve Sirius. In fact, he had three.
He imagined Sirius' glee at the idea of helping Harry in his quest. It would all be a game to him. Sirius didn't have a lot of patience, and Harry didn't want the whole endeavor to become a source of discord between them, in case he didn't learn fast enough of couldn't do it at all. There was a part of him that was terribly afraid of Sirius' disappointment if in fact Harry could not manage it. To fail in his seventh year what his father and Sirius had accomplished in their fifth would be humiliating.
Additionally, he wanted it to be a surprise for Remus. Over the course of the time it would take to learn to transform, the excitement would undoubtedly diminish. He wanted to make Remus happy, and the way to do that was not to tease him with promises for weeks -- or months; Harry was honest with himself about his abilities where Transfiguration was concerned. Especially if, in the end, he wasn't able to deliver.
The last thing worrying him was his Animagus form. The book claimed you could influence the outcome of the transformation, but as far as he could tell, most wizards weren't able to do it with any certainty.
He supposed he might end up a stag, like his father, but he wasn't going to bet on it. If he ended up a rat, Harry vowed to take the secret to the grave. And other animals -- cats for instance -- could be problematic as well. He had to consider the fact that if all went well, he would be running with two rather large canines. If, like Sirius had just told him, Remus could not fully control the wolf, then transforming into a feline might not be the best idea. And if nothing else, Sirius would never let him live it down.
His homework forgotten, Harry threw all his efforts into copying out the directions given by the book. He didn't want to risk being discovered by taking the book out of the library, since he would then have to face the problem of returning it to the Restricted Section when he was finished with it. Pince would be back the following day, after all, and with everyone watching him he couldn't count on his Invisibility Cloak anymore. It rarely did him any good anyway, with Snape having made himself a passable -- if less refined -- copy of the Marauder's Map. There was a rumor going around that he kept it in his breast pocket at all times, and had it spelled to alert him if Harry was out past curfew.
He finished copying down the last section just as Sirius looked up, stretched, and checked the clock. "Are you almost finished, Harry?"
"Almost," Harry said, quickly slipping the book into the pocket of his robes. "I just have to put back some books."
"I'll help you," Sirius offered.
"Great! It'll be faster that way." He offered Sirius a small stack. "All of these are from the History section."
He watched as Sirius headed for the other end of the library, then made a beeline for the Restricted Section. The book was back on its proper shelf in no time, and he dropped off the two Transfiguration texts on his way back to the main reading area.
He had his things packed up and was ready to go before Sirius came back.
Sirius walked with him as far as the portrait, and watched until Harry went in and gave him a wave from the bottom of the dormitory stairs. "Good night, Harry," he called as the portrait swung shut.
"Good night!" Harry called back. But as soon as the portrait was closed, he stepped back into the common room. He had work to do, and the night was still young.
It took him the better part of the next two months, but in the end Harry had to admit it had been far easier than he had dared to hope. Perhaps all those private lessons from his professors had been more helpful than he had previously thought, though he supposed they would have been quite irked to find out all their work had gone toward preparing him for becoming an illegal Animagus.
The first time he successfully transformed, he ran to the mirror with his heart in his throat, not knowing what he would see.
Please let it be a dog. Any kind of dog. A poodle, even, he had thought.
It wasn't a dog. But close.
He had a dark red coat, sleek and shiny, with the exception of what was on his head; there it grew seemingly in all directions at once. He had a long, thick tail, light as a down pillow and nearly as long as his body, with a black tip. His eyes, no longer vivid green but a soft mossy color, were round and appeared to have a perpetually inquisitive expression. All that remained of his scar was a patch of black fur in a line between his eyes, the end of which blended with the black fuzz around his nose.
It was good enough, for his purposes. He might not be Sirius' size, and certainly not Remus', but as a fox he would be able to keep up with the two on their frolics. It was better than a stag, he reasoned. A stag might have trouble getting through the thicket.
Two weeks remained before the next full moon, and Harry continued to practice transforming whenever he could. With a full load of classes, and his friends demanding his attention, he couldn't find much time to be alone, but he managed to work at it enough so that he could transform with ease and without leaving odd articles of clothing ripped to shreds on the floor. In a perfect transformation, the clothing transformed with the wizard. It made transforming back a lot simpler.
At last, it was time. Harry watched from his window as Sirius and Remus ran along the garden hedge toward the forest, then used his broom to get from the Tower to the ground without disturbing his sleeping dormmates. He felt deviously happy as he made his escape; shivers of excitement ran up and down his spine.
It was a cold, clear night. Despite the season, there was no snow on the ground, save for a few patches under trees and brush. The stars and moon seemed unnaturally bright.
He kept to the shadows of the hedges and trees until he was out of direct sight of the Tower windows, transformed, and ran as fast as he could after the wolf and dog.
He caught sight of them not too far into the forest. They were simply walking side by side along a narrow path, the wolf taller and more massive at the shoulders than the dog, but the dog clearly the leader. Harry gave a happy yelp and bounded onto the path behind them.
They turned, ears bending back and eyes narrowing dangerously. The wolf barred its teeth.
Harry froze. Apparently, he realized at once, he had not thought this through properly. The two had no way of identifying him, and he didn't think it would be a good idea to transform back to human form just then. The wolf was barely ten feet away, and Harry still needed a fair amount of time for his transformations. Only his animal form could keep him from being infected by Remus' bite, so he had to remain as he was. Even with the Wolfsbane keeping Remus' mind from being taken over completely by the wolf, there was still a chance something would go wrong, and Harry knew coming across a human during the full moon was one of Remus' greatest fears for that very reason.
So he stood perfectly still, and allowed Sirius to approach and sniff him.
The black dog circled him twice, nudged him in the side, and finally sat down in front of him with a most grievous look. Harry knew that look even when an animal wore it. Sirius was not happy with him.
He tried to look penitent, and licked Sirius on the nose. It was a strange thing to do, but somehow came completely naturally to him.
Sirius drew back, looking shocked, and shook his head violently.
Through all of this, the wolf had remained standing where it had been. Now it approached.
Harry froze again, awaiting inspection. The glowing amber eyes pierced his own -- searching out his soul, he thought. The wolf sniffed him, much like Sirius had a moment earlier. Apparently satisfied, it sat down next to Sirius and cocked its head to one side, studying Harry.
Harry hung his head. Moments passed.
He felt another sniff over by his ear, and looked up. Remus was by his side, his snout inches away from Harry's face. Harry couldn't help throwing a quick glance at Sirius, who had risen and was watching the two intently.
Remus licked him.
It was a sloppy, wet lick that coated Harry's whiskers with saliva.
He didn't need an interpreter to know he had been accepted. Sirius relaxed visibly, and fell into step by Harry's side as Remus began to lead them deeper into the forest. It was all Harry could do not to skip -- which he wasn't sure would work on four legs. He gave a few happy yelps instead, causing Sirius to shake his head again.
Over the next few hours Harry was shown all of Sirius and Remus' old haunts; a cave where tall crystals gave off a surreal glow, a grove of petrified trees where the stillness was an eerie change from the living forest, a stream where the water ran ice cold, and numerous paths no human feet had ever traveled. For the first time ever, Harry truly felt like he was a part of it all, rather than standing off to the side, never quite accepted. He understood why Remus had missed this, if this was what it felt like to run with a pack.
He didn't notice, running to keep up with the wolf's long strides, when Sirius fell behind. The wolf wove through the trees and pushed through brush, and to keep up with it Harry needed to focus all his attention ahead. The rustling of dry leaves and the cracking of twigs under their paws masked the ominous silence behind him; Harry assumed Sirius was still following.
The wolf sped up, now trotting along a narrow path. There was fresh snow on the ground, and it was this that alerted Harry to Sirius' absence. The snow crunched under the wolf's large paws, and less under his own, but where there should have been a louder sound coming from behind him where Sirius -- more than twice Harry's weight -- should have been, there was only silence.
He looked back, not stopping. There was nothing there, though he could see quite far back along the path. Their pawprints were clearly visible in the moonlit snow. The black dog should have been even more clear against the white.
He tried to catch up with the wolf, but it ignored his yelps. He didn't know how else to communicate his distress, and so he was forced to run on after it, not daring to stop and risk losing sight of the gray shape running ahead of him. This deep in the forest, his chances of being found should he become lost were very slim. Then, there was Remus; Harry remembered Sirius' comment about how important it was for Remus not to be off on his own, and the recollection made him force his tiring muscles to work harder.
As they ran, Harry kept looking over his shoulder nervously. An hour passed and Sirius still hadn't caught up with them, while Remus showed no intention of slowing down. If anything, he seemed more determined now, as if a goal was within his sight.
They reached a clearing. The wolf stopped and turned to look at him, wagging its tail just like a big friendly dog. Harry came closer, not seeing any danger. Maybe now that they had stopped, the wolf would notice the absence of their companion.
But Remus seemed to be in a playful mood. He ran a loop around Harry, until finally Harry gave in and allowed himself to be chased. As they ran around and around the mossy stones and sparse trees, Harry almost forgot about Sirius. He had rarely played like this in his childhood, and even Quidditch wasn't like this, because it was a sport with rules and boundaries. This was what he had always imagined running with Remus and Sirius would be like. The fact that Sirius was not there only heightened his pleasure. Sirius had Remus to himself for years, now it was Harry's turn, if only for that one night.
After a while he grew tired, and because it had never occurred to him that Remus might have anything but play in mind, it never occurred to him the game would not stop when he wanted it to. He let Remus catch him.
He only realized what was happening when it was too late. Remus' heavy body fell onto him from behind, throwing him to the ground and pinning him under. When he turned his head and looked back, all he could see was the wolf's snarl, white fangs gleaming in the dark, and the gray fur standing on end.
He struggled. His breath was being choked out of him, and his mouth became clogged with grass and dirt. He could hear the wolf's growl, low and menacing, above him. Finally, exhausted and out of air, Harry gave up and fell limp.
He expected the wolf to tear into him. Clearly something had gone terribly wrong with the Wolfsbane. Perhaps Remus had not taken the full dose. Perhaps Snape had, for the first time ever, bungled up a potion. Perhaps Sprout was to blame; she grew the majority of the plants used in the potion. It didn't matter how it had happened; all that mattered was that Remus was no longer in control of the wolf.
He screamed when he felt Remus' snout dig into his neck, and for a moment he didn't recognize his own cry, until he remembered that in his animal form he could not speak. It took him even longer to realize he had not been bitten. Not yet.
There was snuffling and sniffing above him as the wolf's tongue lapped at his matted fur. It felt like he was being roughly licked; his neck, the back of his head, his shoulders... He remained limp and still when the wolf rose slightly and shifted so as to reach his face. Now the wolf's tongue rasped against his sensitive nose, his lips, his jaw, his forehead...
Done with his face, the wolf returned to his neck. This time he bit. Just a small, painless bite, but nonetheless it filled Harry with utter horror. He began to struggle again.
"Harry! Where are you?"
He tried to turn toward the sound of Sirius' voice. Sirius sounded so close...!
Distracted, he almost didn't register the pain when it came, momentarily not recognizing it for what it was.
The wolf's teeth had broken his skin. Blood was soaking his fur, dripping onto his front paws down each side of his neck. The wolf's teeth were still clenched on his flesh, and cold spread from the edges of the wound outward.
There was a sound, like a small explosion, and the heavy body on top of him shuddered violently. The teeth released him.
There was growling -- another explosion -- a snarl -- another explosion... Harry lay on the ground, panting from pain and terror and shock, unable to move even to see what was happening above him.
There was a thud, like something soft but heavy falling onto the ground, and then silence.
"Harry! Harry, are you all right?"
Sirius was kneeling over him, shaking his shoulder.
Harry turned his head and made the only sound he could muster; a soft whine.
"Don't transform. Understand? You can't transform because the wound will be worse on your human form."
Harry managed a shuddering nod.
"I'm going to take you back to the castle. You're going to be fine."
Sirius lifted him off the ground and began to run as fast as he could with Harry's weight in his arms. Harry shut his eyes, but not before he had seen the limp form of the wolf lying on its side on the ground.
He could have been dead, he was that still.
If he was, it was Harry's fault.
That was his last thought before everything went blank.
He awoke in the infirmary. Sunlight flooded in through a high window, and according to the clock on the wall opposite his bed, it was past lunch.
Sirius was asleep slumped in a chair by his bed, looking disheveled and his robes caked with dried mud, dirt, and bits of grass. He stirred when Harry tried to sit up, making the bedspring creak. Seeing Harry awake, he jumped out of his seat and bent over him.
"Harry? Do you need me to get Pomfrey?"
Harry shook his head. "No. I feel fine." His voice was hoarse and weak.
Sirius straightened and looked uncertainly toward the curtain separating the infirmary from Pomfrey's office. "I think I should get her." He raised his voice. "Pomfrey! He's awake!"
The nurse bustled in, a familiar grim expression on her face. "Lets take a look at you, Mr. Potter."
Harry rolled over onto his stomach and waited patiently as she unwrapped bandages from the back of his neck and rubbed a stinging paste into his skin. When she finished she had him sit up.
"Turn your head to the right," she said.
Harry did so.
"Now left."
Harry felt a little stiffness as he tried to comply, and Pomfrey clicked her tongue disapprovingly.
"Look up at the ceiling."
Harry did, ignoring the prickle of pain the movement elicited, and she finally nodded. "I can release him. The wound is closed and there is no sign of infection or swelling."
Sirius seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. "Can I take him now?"
She nodded and took Harry's robes out of a cupboard. "Most of his clothing was ruined. I had these mended, but I suppose he will need a new set."
Harry dressed quickly, and Sirius, without saying a word, led him out of the infirmary.
"Sirius?" Harry asked hesitantly. "What happened to Remus?"
Sirius didn't turn around. "He left the infirmary before you woke up."
"He's all right?"
Sirius didn't answer, but Harry saw his whole body stiffen, and it made his heart sink into the pit of his stomach.
"Was he hurt?"
"I had to stun him half a dozen times," Sirius answered. "He lunged at me -- if my last spell hadn't worked he would have ripped out my throat."
Harry shuddered with horror. "I suppose he must be..."
Sirius turned to look at him, his expression dark. "He wouldn't speak with me this morning. He's locked himself in his room."
"I'm... sorry," Harry said. He had never in his life felt as bad as he did at that moment.
"Well," Sirius said, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand, "we're going to have a talk about that, Harry. As soon as I get out of these clothes and take a shower, we're going to have a very long talk."
Neither of them said anything else until they reached the portrait.
"Don't tell anyone what happened until I have a chance to talk with Remus," Sirius said, turning away without waiting for Harry's reply.
Harry nodded, not feeling up to speaking, though Sirius already had his back to him and couldn't see.
Sirius left him, not bothering to see him inside. Harry watched him disappear into his own room at the other end of hall before he gave the password and stepped through the portrait.
There was no one there. Afternoon classes had started, but Harry had the rest of the day off. He climbed the stairs up to the dorm and collapsed on the bed, utterly drained.
He didn't know where he would go from there. He didn't think it was likely that Remus would forgive him... or himself. Sirius, too, had reason to be angry with him. It seemed that rather than get closer to the two, Harry had damaged their relationship beyond any repair.
He fell asleep, thankful for an end to his painful thoughts, and slept through his dormmates' return. His friends didn't wake him, even when the dinner bell rang and he still hadn't stirred, and when Harry finally awoke he found himself still alone in the darkening room.
He was hungry; his stomach rumbled loudly as he sat up, but he didn't want to go down to the Great Hall and face his friends. They would know by now that he had not been in his bed the previous night, and that he had spent half the day in the infirmary. He only hoped they didn't know the reason.
It was his worst nightmare, though he didn't delude himself; he knew it was a thousand times worse for Remus, who would have awakened with the knowledge that he had, despite all his precautions, attacked a student. Harry didn't think Remus would stay on at Hogwarts after this, and that knowledge hurt him more than he could stand. His foolishness would cost all of them dearly.
He wished he knew what had gone wrong, because maybe it had been Snape's fault, or Sprout's, and then his own guilt might have been lessened, but deep down Harry knew he had no one to blame but himself.
He pulled himself together when Ron came in, carrying a tray. He even managed a smile.
"Thought you might be hungry," Ron said, setting the tray down and staring down at Harry as he reached for a sandwich. "Are you feeling all right? Why didn't you wake me if you felt ill?"
Harry was just about to ask him what he was talking about, when he realized it; Ron didn't know why he had been out, and assumed Harry had gone down to the infirmary in the middle of the night.
"It wasn't that serious," he said, shrugging and forcing his voice to be light. "I had a headache. Pomfrey made me stay."
Ron didn't look completely convinced. A headache was usually curable with a simple draught, and even Pomfrey never kept students out of classes all day for something that simple. "If you're sure..."
Harry nodded. He took a big bite out of his sandwich, hoping his appetite would convince Ron that he was back to normal.
"Listen," Ron said, turning away from him to gather up his books, "a few of us are going to revise Charms. Are you up for it?"
Harry hesitated. He didn't want to go, but he would need a good excuse to keep Ron from becoming more suspicious.
"No, I think I better catch up on what I missed. I still have two essays to finish from yesterday." To illustrate his point, he pulled out his unfinished Transfiguration homework.
"Did someone bring you your work?" Ron asked. "Snape assigned an essay."
"Sirius is bringing it," Harry lied.
Ron hesitated by the door. "I'll see you, Harry."
"Yeah," Harry said, giving him another reassuring grin. "Don't let Hermione work you to death."
Ron left, and Harry relaxed. It bothered him that he'd had to lie, but giving his friends any hint of the truth was a chance he couldn't take. Hermione, for one, wouldn't stop until she knew all the details, while Ron would sulk about Harry keeping secrets from him.
He flipped the pages of his Transfiguration text idly, knowing he really should do the work, but not wanting to.
He looked up when he heard a soft knock on the door.
Sirius stood in the doorway, looking slightly uncomfortable. "Anyone else here?" he asked, looking around the empty room.
"No. They're all in the library," Harry said. "Study group."
Sirius came all the way into the room and pushed the door shut. He sat down gingerly on the edge of Ron's bed. "You haven't told them yet, have you?"
"I said I wouldn't," Harry said, slightly peeved that Sirius didn't trust him to keep his mouth shut when necessary.
"Right," Sirius said. He shifted uncomfortably. "Well..."
"What is it?" Harry asked. Sirius only looked like this when he was about to ask Harry to do something less than proper.
"Remus doesn't remember what happened," Sirius said. "He hadn't come close enough to you in the infirmary to see the banadages on your neck. So..."
Harry waited, but Sirius only continued to look uncomfortable, and look everywhere except at Harry.
"So...?"
"I convinced him all that happened was he started growling at you, and I overreacted."
"Oh!"
Harry couldn't keep back the small exclamation of shock. Growling was a far cry from sinking his teeth into Harry's neck and attacking Sirius when Sirius tried to stop him.
"Harry," Sirius said, his voice now taking on a begging tone. "He was ready to resign again. You know how sensitive he is about being a danger to others. He would have left and never come back. As it is, I don't think he'll ever allow himself out during the full moon again."
Harry nodded quickly. Of course he didn't want Remus to leave Hogwarts! "I'm glad you talked him out of it. It wasn't his fault, I'm sure of it. It had never happened until I went and..." He didn't finish the thought; it pained him too much.
Sirius reached out and patted his shoulder awkwardly. "It wasn't your fault either. It was just one of those things. Don't blame yourself."
But Harry did blame himself, for his recklessness if not for anything else. He should never have just blundered into the forest after Remus and Sirius, without giving any sort of warning or knowing how they might react.
"So," Sirius said, brightening. "I can count on you?"
"Sure," Harry said. "As far as I'm concerned, nothing happened."
Sirius grinned. "Now that that's over, lets see it."
"Huh?" Harry asked confusedly.
"Transform!"
"Oh! Right," Harry said. He got up, put down his book, and concentrated. A few moments later he had transformed.
"Nice," Sirius said, walking slowly around him to examine him from every angle. "How long did this take you?"
Harry had to transform back to human form to answer. "Two months."
Sirius looked impressed.
"But all the practice with concealment charms helped a lot," Harry hurried to add. "It was practically the same thing."
"Of course, it isn't quite as useful as a dog," Sirius said after pondering for a moment. "You won't blend in at all. There aren't any foxes in the forest, you know. They aren't common here."
Harry shrugged. "I wasn't planning on using it much. It was just something to do." He didn't want Sirius to know he had done it specifically so he could join him and Remus, and that he wouldn't need his Animagus form now that that was no longer possible."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Sirius didn't even try to keep the hurt tone out of his voice. "I would have helped."
"I was afraid I might not be able to do it," Harry said truthfully. "Or that I would turn into something horrible."
"I can't see you as a rat, Harry," Sirius smirked. "I don't think you had anything to worry about."
"I thought it might be a snake," Harry said, cringing. "Because of... you know... Parseltongue and all that." He saw Sirius echo his cringe, and hastened to add, "Or a cat. The book said that was the most common Animagus form."
"Yes, because it's the most useful," Sirius said. He tousled Harry's hair. "I wouldn't have chased you up a tree."
Harry grinned back. "Crookshanks might have taken offense though."
They both looked at the cat, who was presently curled up on Neville's bed. He felt as comfortable in the boys' dorm as anywhere else, and Hermione no longer made any effort to keep him from wandering where he pleased.
"Sirius?" Harry said when the moment of silence had stretched too long. "Is Remus terribly angry with me?"
Sirius hesitated just long enough to make Harry's heart thud painfully in his chest. "No. I'm sure he isn't angry with you. He blames himself."
Harry sighed. He would almost have preferred Remus hating him. He had never meant to hurt him like this.
Sirius looked uncomfortable, and a moment later he rose from the bed. "You should finish your homework. McGonagall has your work for today. She said you could pick it up from her office."
Harry nodded, looking down at his book.
Sirius was already halfway out the door. "Good night, Harry."
Harry looked up, but the lump in his throat prevented him from replying. He nodded again.
The pile of homework kept him occupied for the rest of the evening, and kept his thoughts from turning to Remus. Still, when he lay awake that night, listening to his dormmates' snoring, the heaviness returned full force.
He didn't know how he could bear it if Remus couldn't forgive him.
He didn't see Remus the following day, though that was not unusual. He was even glad, because he didn't know what he would say to Remus when they saw each other.
He started to worry when another day passed and Sirius was still teaching all of Remus' classes, and Remus' seat at the staff table remained empty at meals. He had only Sirius' assurance that Remus was still in the castle.
When Remus did return to his duties, it was a cold shock for Harry. Almost as though meeting Harry for the first time, Remus treated him the same as any other student. All the warmth, all the extra attention, were missing from their few exchanges. Remus didn't stay to speak with him after class, didn't offer extra help with homework, didn't recommend books; in short Harry had fallen far from his unique standing as both student and friend.
Outside of class he was simply ignored. A few times, he even thought Remus purposely went the other way to avoid passing him in the corridor. At meals, Remus never met his eyes. And once, when Harry came to Sirius' quarters and caught Remus there, Remus excused himself and left before Harry could even say hello.
It hurt more than he had thought possible.
"He'll come around, Harry," Sirius said when Harry put his pain into words, but he didn't sound certain.
Three weeks later, Harry had almost given up hope of reconciliation. He no longer looked for Remus in the hallways, didn't hesitate outside the door after class ended, and didn't look up hopefully every time Remus walked into the room, hoping to catch a reassuring glance. Remus rarely looked at him anymore, as if Harry had become invisible.
He wasn't prepared for it when he ran into Remus in the courtyard and, for the first time since the incident, Remus looked into his eyes and spoke.
"Would you like to help me supervise the first years in Hogsmeade today?" Remus asked, smiling gently.
A peace offering.
"Yes!" Harry said quickly, not caring how overly-enthusiastic he sounded. This was the first time Remus had expressed any desire to even be in the same room with him. He didn't care if there were a dozen children yelling and laughing and running around.
"Come on then, help me line them up."
Harry gathered together a small group of students -- a mix of Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors -- and led them outside. Being allowed to go to Hogsmeade was a rare treat for the younger students, and the children were literally bouncing with excitement.
It wasn't a long walk to the village, but they made slow process. After an early thaw, snow had returned, and every large snowbank drew their attention away from their goal.
Harry wished he was that young again, so he, too, could roll in the snow and pelt his chums with snowballs. Instead, he had to settle for the more dignified task of casting drying spells and keeping an eye out for dropped mittens. Still, with Remus close by, he was enjoying himself tremendously. It didn't matter that he had no chance to speak with Remus; at least Remus had asked Harry to join him. It gave him hope that maybe in time the damage could be repaired.
By the time they arrived in Hogsmeade, they had time only for a round of hot drinks and a short excursion into Honeydukes before having to turn back. No one seemed to mind.
"Thank you for letting me come," Harry said to Remus as they escorted their group directly into the Great Hall, where dinner was starting.
Remus nodded. "Perhaps we can have tea some afternoon. Talk."
Harry's heart soared and he found himself smiling shyly. "I'd like that."
They parted, and for the first time in weeks Harry's appetite returned and he was able to enjoy the meal. Halfway through, he caught Sirius' eye, and Sirius grinned at him, sending the silent message that he, too, was glad Remus was choosing not to throw away their friendship.
At the next full moon, however, Harry was reminded painfully just what his recklessness had cost. Sirius told him Remus had insisted on locking himself away in an unused classroom in the dungeons. He refused to have anyone, even Sirius, around him when he transformed.
In the morning, he didn't know what would be best; to visit Remus in the infirmary or to stay away in case Remus' anger had been renewed. He settled for cornering Sirius on his way to lunch.
"I helped him to his quarters just now," Sirius told him, frowning slightly. "The transformation was worse this month. He's resting."
"Do you think I could see him later?" Harry asked.
"I think it's best to let him get his strength back before you do," Sirius said, averting his eyes. "He really isn't up to taking visitors."
Harry nodded, but he didn't fully believe what Sirius had said, especially when Sirius disappeared into Remus' quarters promptly after lunch, and didn't come out again until late that night.
"Is he feeling any better?" Harry asked when Sirius came up to Gryffindor Tower to say good night.
Sirius shook his head. "If he doesn't perk up by tomorrow, I'm taking him back to the infirmary."
Harry swallowed hard. Remus never felt quite himself in the days following a full moon, but Harry had never seen Sirius so worried about it.
In the morning, despite Sirius' objections, Harry followed him into Remus' quarters. They found Remus in bed, looking miserable and weak. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he was pale.
Harry didn't know what to say, so he hung back, shuffling from one foot to the other, while Sirius fussed over Remus.
"You need to see Pomfrey," Sirius said after picking up Remus' limp hand and feeling for the pulse in his wrist. "You need a stronger restorative."
"I'm all right," Remus protested weakly. "I just need some sleep. Shouldn't have stayed up so late grading papers. I'll be up in time for my classes this afternoon."
Harry tore his eyes away from Remus long enough to glance briefly at Sirius. Sirius was clearly worried about Remus' sudden illness, but it appeared to be a different kind of worry from Harry's own. To Harry, it seemed Sirius had some inkling of what was wrong with Remus, unlike Harry, who was worried precisely because he did not know.
The bell rang just as Harry had been about to make up his mind to say something, and reluctantly he got up.
"I hope you feel better soon," he said lamely.
Remus tried to smile and nodded, but the effort appeared to be too much for him and he shut his eyes half-way through the motion.
"I'll see you, Harry," Sirius said, not taking his eyes off Remus.
Harry left, his heart heavy. He didn't know what was wrong with Remus, but he had a terrible suspicion that he was to blame for it.
Remus missed lunch, as did Sirius. Harry wanted nothing more than to run upstairs and check on them, but he couldn't get away from Ron and Hermione, who were both determined to spend their every free minute studying for the N.E.W.T.s. He consoled himself with the fact that he would see Remus momentarily; he had Defense as his first afternoon class.
He knew something was wrong the instant he walked into the classroom.
The chatter and laughter around him died like a candle being snuffed as every pair of eyes fell on the teacher's desk. From his seat behind it, Snape scowled at them as they made their way to their seats. No one dared make a sound.
This was bad, Harry realized instantly. Not only did it mean Remus had not felt any better, but it also meant his condition was bad enough that Sirius chose to stay with him and allow Snape to take over Remus' classes. That hadn't happened since Sirius had come to teach at Hogwarts, and the students had finally allowed themselves to relax, believing it would never happen again. Snape substituting as Defense professor was a nightmare.
That particular day, it was very nearly unbearable to Harry. All he could think about was Remus, and the strange illness that had sapped the life out of him.
"Potter," Snape snarled at him hardly ten minutes into the lesson, "I can see plainly that you pay no more attention in your other classes than you do in mine, but while I'm in the room, you will refrain from ogling Miss Patil's breasts."
Harry, who had been staring off into space, felt his face turn scarlet as everyone turned to stare at him, Parvati's eyes blazing with anger as she pulled her robes closer around herself.
It wouldn't have done any good to deny the accusation, so he said nothing.
The lesson seemed unending, and just as Harry was about to breathe a sigh of relief when the clock struck, he remembered that his next class was Potions.
It could have been his imagination, but he thought Snape threw a malevolent smile his way as he herded the students down the stairs to the dungeons.
By the time he finally trudged upstairs, not even bothering to check the state of the four hourglasses with House points, Harry felt as limp and worn out as a dishrag. He didn't know what he wanted more; to see Remus, or to crawl into bed.
Sirius came out just as Harry reached Remus' quarters. He shut the door behind himself. "You can't see him just now, Harry. He finally fell asleep."
"Oh," Harry said, sighing wearily. "Is he any better?"
"No."
Harry nodded, unable to find words. He turned around and headed back toward the staircase.
"I'll see you at dinner, Harry," Sirius called after him.
Harry gave him a half-hearted wave and continued the long climb to the seventh floor.
Exhausted, he fell into bed and shut his eyes tightly.
If anyone saw him or wondered what was wrong with him, they had the sense not to ask. He heard the dinner bell, and footsteps creeping up to his bed, but didn't open his eyes, and after a minute of hesitation the footsteps moved off in the direction of the stairs.
He was hungry; it had been a hard day, but he didn't want to face anyone. It was just too difficult to pretend anymore. He was always pretending. Pretending he was brave, pretending he didn't hurt, pretending he didn't love. Sometimes it was because he didn't want to see pity in their eyes, or helplessness because they couldn't do anything to help him no matter how much they wanted to. Sometimes it was because he wanted to protect them; not enough time had passed since the war for him to cast aside the conviction that people were safer if he didn't let them too close. Sometimes he just didn't want to talk about his problems. No one ever really understood anyway.
He started to think heavy thoughts, too tired to put in the effort to keep them at bay. They drained him of his remaining strength, and he drifted off into troubled sleep, where they continued to haunt him. When he opened his eyes, awakened when Ron got out of bed for early Quidditch practice, he still had the vision of Remus' dead, empty eyes -- which yet contrived to stare accusingly out of a skeletal face.
Despite a painful headache he dragged himself to the Great Hall, driven less by hunger, which by then had turned to a cold emptiness in his gut, than by a need to find Sirius.
"I saw him going into the infirmary earlier," Hermione told him when he asked if anyone had seen him. "Snape, too."
Without another word to his friends, and ignoring the food that had appeared on his plate moments earlier, Harry got up and walked out of the Hall.
It was only a short distance to the infirmary, and yet it seemed he had been walking for hours by the time he reached it.
He hadn't been scared; a sort of shock got a hold of him and kept him numb as he neared his destination, but he felt a stab of fear when he entered through the double doors.
Sirius, his head in his hands, was slumped in a chair. Snape was standing close -- so close that Sirius should not have been able to abide it -- and was explaining something in a voice too low for Harry to catch across the room.
What scared him was the absence of animosity, and what it meant when two people who were invariably at each other's throats if forced to stay in the same room too long, suddenly abandoned old habits.
"Sirius?"
Sirius turned to look at him, his face blank, as though it was taking him time to register Harry's presence. Snape's eyes narrowed, but he remained where he was.
"Can I see him?" Harry asked, swallowing.
Sirius cleared his throat. "In a minute. I'll take you in." He turned to Snape. "Is there anything else?"
"No," Snape said, scowling over Sirius' head at Harry. "Tell Pomfrey I'll have the draught by noon."
Sirius nodded, and Snape turned to leave. Only after he had gone did Sirius look up at Harry again. "I'll take you in," he repeated, rising.
To Harry it looked as though Sirius had not slept the previous night; his robes wrinkled and buttoned up wrong, his hair limp and lifeless around his haggard face. Had he spent the entire night in the infirmary?
Silently, Harry followed Sirius behind the partition in the corner of the hospital wing. He didn't dare speak, and Sirius neither looked at him nor spoke.
Remus was lying in bed, his eyes closed. Harry stilled his own breath and looked closely before he saw the shallow rise and fall of Remus' chest under the thin hospital blanket.
"Is he asleep?" Harry whispered to Sirius, who had slumped into a chair next to the bed, resuming the position Harry had first found him in.
"No," came the soft answer, not from Sirius but from Remus.
Harry turned back quickly, but Remus appeared not to have moved. Harry stared at him, his mind blank just when he needed words.
Minutes dragged by. Pomfrey was fussing with something on the other side of the partition; bottles chinked together, liquid was poured from one vessel to another. Any moment she would come bustling in, encroaching on the painful silence that surrounded the sickbed.
"Is there anything I can do?" Harry asked in desperation, and startled, flinching, as though the breaking of the silence had been a physical blow. Giving voice to his helplessness had hurt.
"No," Remus said hoarsely, not even opening his eyes. "I don't think there's anything anyone can do."
Sirius didn't even look up; Harry took it for a clear sign of just how bad the situation was.
Remus couldn't die. He just couldn't.
There was silence again, but Pomfrey came in, not allowing the tension to grow. She looked grim as she hustled Harry and Sirius out. "Let him rest. I will let you know if there is any change."
The way she said it, Harry knew she expected any change to be for the worse. He felt dazed as he forced himself to stand and start walking toward the door. There was nothing he could do, and that was the hardest thing of all.
Just as he stepped out into the hallway and shut the door quietly behind himself, Sirius grabbed his arm. "I need to talk to you. Now."
Harry followed him wordlessly into an unused classroom at the end of the corridor, where Sirius forced him onto a shabby couch and began to pace like a caged animal in front of him.
Suddenly he stopped and turned to face him, running a hand through his tangled hair. "Look, Harry..."
Harry waited, but Sirius shook his head in frustration and resumed his pacing.
"What is it?" Harry asked, his voice nearly breaking. He had to clear his throat. "Please."
"No one has figured out what's wrong with him," Sirius said, stopping again with his back to Harry. "But I know."
Harry jumped up, his heart pounding. "Then why didn't you say something? Why didn't you tell Pomfrey?"
"Keep your voice down!" Sirius commanded.
Harry stared at him in shock. He couldn't wrap his mind around Sirius' confession. If Sirius knew what Remus' ailment was, why would he keep that information from the people who could help?
"Sit," Sirius said, but lowering his voice.
Harry's knees buckled and he sank back down onto the couch.
Sirius cleared his throat. "You have to understand, I've already spoken to Remus about this. His decision is to do nothing."
Harry sought Sirius' eyes, but Sirius refused to look at him. "What's wrong with him?"
"He has lost control of the wolf."
"I don't understand."
"Normally, the wolf is not an active presence. Closer to the full moon, Remus' instincts and senses may become sharper, and the wolf's needs may translate into his own subconscious desires, but mainly the two are separate entities. With regular use of Wolfsbane, Remus is able to control the wolf to an even greater degree."
"I know this," Harry said impatiently. "We studied werewolves. This is straight out of the textbook."
"Then you also know the main cause of death for werewolves."
"Yeah," Harry said bitterly. "They're put down by the Ministry. Decree 615, Section 9."
Sirius sighed. "They go mad, Harry. The cause of death is madness. If the Ministry didn't interfere, they would still die. They are put down to minimize human casualties."
"Are you saying this is happening to Remus?" Harry demanded. "Because I don't believe you! The Wolfsbane --"
"That's what no one can reconcile," Sirius cut in. "They know what's happening, but they don't know why."
"And you do."
Sirius nodded.
"Tell me."
"The balance between man and beast has been altered. The wolf's instincts have taken control of Remus' conscience. It happens, generally, when a human loses the will to fight his affliction, and relinquishes himself to the beast within. Losing control of your mind time after time --"
"That wouldn't happen to Remus," Harry said angrily. "He doesn't lose control -- the Wolfsbane prevents it!"
"A werewolf may also go mad after the loss of a mate, prolonged confinement, or --"
"He hasn't been confined!"
"Or being kept from its mate!" Sirius finished, raising his voice over Harry's outburst. "He bit you -- he claimed you -- he'll go mad without you!"
Harry staggered back.
Sirius, breathing hard, collapsed into a chair and dropped his head into his hands.
"The bite..." Harry whispered. "It was to claim me as his mate?"
"Yes," Sirius said, not raising his head.
"And he will die because of it?"
Sirius looked up. "It wasn't your fault. No one could have predicted he would react that way to seeing you. I thought you were safe; I didn't see the danger until I lost sight of you in the forest. I never thought..."
Harry swallowed convulsively. "Why? Why choose me? My Animagus form --"
"It had nothing to do with your form. Remus had... Well, he and James..." He winced and fell silent, chewing on his lower lip. "The wolf had a very strong attachment to James. We all assumed it was because James was first to become Animagus, and spent the most time with Remus, but now I..."
"What?"
"He tried to bite James once. We didn't know it for what it was. It was one of the reasons I suspected him of being the traitor. It was the last time any of us joined him during the full moon. I can only speculate that somehow, in the absence of James, the wolf's fixation transferred onto you."
His story ended, Sirius dropped his head and stared dejectedly at the shabby carpet.
Harry drew a deep, shuddering breath, trying desperately to absorb the full impact of what he had just been told. "So," he said, forcing his voice steady, "what do you need me to do?"
Sirius looked up at him for a long moment, then averted his eyes. "There is nothing you can do."
Harry stepped closer, until Sirius had no choice but to look up again. "Then why tell me all this?"
Anger flashed across Sirius' face, but he pressed his lips together tightly, unwilling to speak.
"This is my fault, and you wanted to be sure I knew it?" Harry asked, his own anger flaring. "You think I'm not suffering nearly enough?"
Sirius took a step toward him, looking so threatening that Harry fell back involuntarily. "Are you suffering? Why would that be?"
Harry bit back the angry words that almost escaped. "Because I care about him. Because he's my friend."
Sirius' eyes, narrow slits now, darkened. "All right. I did tell you because there is something you can do."
"What?" Harry demanded when Sirius didn't continue.
"You can stay away from him."
Harry stared at him, stunned mute.
"The wolf can sense you near. There is a chance, if you stay away, the process will slow. I don't have much faith in Snape, but he is working on a stronger restorative. My own research has reached a dead end, but I have not exhausted my list of contacts. We need time."
Harry, not finding words, remained silent. Had he wanted to, he couldn't speak; his chest was constricted as though by an invisible vine of Devil's Snare.
"I'm not doing this to hurt you, Harry," Sirius said, his tone softening. "I know you want to do something, and I can see you are ready to sacrifice yourself for him. That's what he's afraid of; that's what he told me to prevent. I told you because I want you to understand. And --" Sirius paused, looking hard into Harry's eyes. "I don't want you to do anything stupid."
"You --" Harry had to clear his throat to continue. "You want me to ignore the fact that I can save him right now? What makes you think we can't convince him --"
Sirius grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him violently. "What don't you understand! For once, can't you do what you're told?" He released Harry, who stumbled back in shock, clutching his bruised collarbone. "Do you understand? He will end himself rather than use you!"
He made a move as though to grab Harry's arm again, but Harry stepped around him, reaching the door in two bounds.
"Harry, wait!"
Harry pulled the door open, letting it hit the wall with a shattering bang.
"Look, I'm sorry, will you just --"
"I want to hear it from him!" Harry threw over his shoulder, not stopping.
He ran, expecting any minute to hear Sirius' heavy footsteps behind him, but Sirius did not pursue him.
His momentum carried him skidding into the door to the infirmary, but even before regaining his balance his fists were pounding against it.
"Madam Pomfrey! Open the door!"
A minute passed, and Harry shuffled from one foot to another, looking around anxiously. He was just about to bang on the door again when it came open.
"Madam Pom--"
Snape stared down at him as though at a bug he wished to crush under his heel. "Potter. I believe the patients can do without your racket."
"I need to see Remus."
Even before he said it, Harry knew it was useless.
Snape smiled cruelly. "I'm afraid Lupin is in no condition to receive company. As entertaining as you must undoubtedly think yourself --"
"I need to see him!" Harry yelled.
The smile vanished from Snape face, and he drew himself up to his full height. "You will remove yourself from this floor, Potter, unless you wish to spend the remainder of today serving detention." His eyes narrowed threateningly. "I assure you I can arrange it. I don't believe your godfather has any interest in preventing me."
In frustration, Harry bit his lip until he tasted blood, but he couldn't bring himself to move.
"Remove yourself," Snape repeated.
Harry glared at him through burning eyes.
"At once!" Snape roared.
Harry turned and fled.
Somewhere between the hospital wing and the seventh floor his steps slowed, and he was barely able to drag himself up the last flight of stairs.
"Flitterbloom," he muttered, reaching the Fat Lady.
"Bad day, dear?"
Harry barely suppressed a growl.
"Well, I never!" she huffed as he pushed into the common room before the portrait had swung fully open.
He didn't pause when he saw Sirius rise from one of the couches, but continued toward the stairwell.
"I'm sorry," Sirius said quietly.
"Don't touch me," Harry warned, feeling dangerously close to losing all semblance of control.
He sidled past Sirius and ran up to the dormitory. With a final burst of effort, he forced himself to shut the door softly behind himself.
He stumbled to the bed and collapsed, still fully clothed, on top of the covers. He was too wound up and too angry to sleep, but the darkness and stifling warmth suited his mood. He counted the minutes by the loud ticking of the clock on Neville's bedstand, and the minutes turned into hours...
"Harry?"
Harry ignored Ron's voice.
"I know you're not asleep."
"Go away, Ron. Leave me alone," Harry muttered into the pillow.
There was silence, and finally after a minute he heard Ron's footsteps move away, and the curtains around his bed rustle shut again.
Lying wide awake, listening to the quiet snoring of his dormmates, Harry plotted and raged against the forces standing between himself and Remus. He was still as determined as ever to see him that night.
He knew it was past midnight by the familiar shuffling footsteps of Hagrid making his final night rounds.
Silently, he sat up and swung his legs out of bed. Easing open the drawer of his bedside table, he pulled out his Invisibility Cloak and pulled it over himself. Despite Snape, the Cloak was still his best chance to steal down to the infirmary.
He felt around for the Marauder's Map, but a handful of loose knuts and sickles scattered noisily, and he withdrew his hand, fearing waking Ron sleeping in the next bed.
He saw no one on his way to the hospital wing. The door opened easily with the lightest touch.
"Harry."
The Cloak was pulled effortlessly over his head.
"Lumos."
The infirmary was lit up by a dozen candles.
Sighing, Harry turned to face Sirius. "He isn't here, is he?"
"No," Sirius said. Harry saw him slip a familiar piece of worn parchment into the pocket of his robes.
"That's mine!"
"Wrong," Sirius said, smirking. "Mine. I believe I better keep it, for now at least."
Harry glared, but weariness and resignation was creeping in. "I want to see him."
"You can't," Sirius said. "For your own good, and for his. I'm sorry. I know you don't understand. You best return to the dorm."
Harry said nothing, but allowed himself to be guided back to the staircase.
"If you care about him, don't make this any more difficult."
Harry nodded defeatedly and forced his feet to start climbing. Sirius remained on the landing, watching until Harry reached the seventh floor.
"Go back to sleep, Ron," he said, kicking off his boots and getting into bed without looking at his best friend, who had poked his head out through the curtains around his bed. "I'm fine."
"Good night, Harry," Ron said, recognizing the tone of Harry's voice.
"Good night," Harry replied, sighing and turning toward the wall.
He intended to reason with Sirius in the morning, but when he came down to breakfast Sirius was nowhere to be seen.
Had it not been for Snape, Harry might have gone looking for him, but the man hardly took his eyes off him, and Harry didn't dare leave the Great Hall.
After classes it was Sirius who found Harry.
"He's been moved to a private room. Please don't go looking for him, Harry. What he needs most right now is rest."
Harry gritted his teeth. Why did Sirius insist he knew what was best? What harm could it do for Harry to just speak to Remus one time? If he heard from Remus' own mouth --
"He isn't himself," Sirius continued, seeming to guess Harry's thoughts. "He's dangerous now, and he needs to be kept away from the students. Pomfrey is no longer able to treat him without me present."
"He's worse, then?"
"Yes."
"What are you doing to help him?"
"Snape is working on a diluted version of the Wolfsbane Potion. It may help Remus regain control."
"Will you --" Harry's voice broke, and he had to start again. "Will you let me know how he is? Any changes?"
"Of course," Sirius said, reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder.
Harry stepped out of his reach. "Thanks. Will I see you at dinner?"
"I don't know," Sirius said, drawing back his hand and rubbing it as though it had been slapped. "He may need me."
Harry nodded. "Fine. You know where to find me."
He spent the rest of the day in sullen seclusion, not trusting himself not to take his frustration out on his friends.
"You have to eat, Harry," Ron said when Harry refused to come down for dinner, but Harry's glare was enough to send him from the room.
It was a full week before Sirius had any news for him.
"The potion hasn't had a marked effect. We're trying something else now."
By then, Harry hadn't expected any favorable news. "I don't suppose you will let me see him?"
"He wouldn't recognize you," Sirius said grimly. "Or else he would attack you. Think what a stunner will do to him in the state he's in, Harry."
Harry didn't press the issue then, but over the course of the next week he began to think there could be a flaw in Sirius' thinking.
"Hermione? Do you think Remus would try to hurt me?"
She looked uncomfortable, and turned her attention to shuffling her Arithmancy notes. "I don't know, Harry."
"It wouldn't make much sense though, would it? If he wants me for a mate."
"We don't know what he wants, if he isn't fully in control of his human mind anymore. We can't begin to guess what the wolf wants."
Harry waved her off, getting up from the table. "You just don't get it, Hermione."
Color flooded her cheeks, and she rose too. "Oh, I get it, Harry. I get it." She pursed her lips and looked him straight into the eyes. "You need to think. What if you can help him? Are you prepared to do that?"
"Yes!"
The strength and vehemence of his response seemed to startle her, but she recovered quickly. "It isn't just about what you want. I don't think Professor Lupin would find this acceptable."
"Since when are you an expert?" Harry snarled. "If they'd let me talk to him, then we'd find out!"
"I'm not going to talk to you any more, Harry," she said, gathering up her books and notes. "You're half out of your mind, too."
Harry glared at her back as she left. He began to pace, ignoring the malevolent looks sent his way by Madam Pince.
He had to see Remus. But how, when he didn't know where they were keeping him?
"If I had the map..."
But he didn't have the map; Sirius had it, and Harry hardly ever saw Sirius. Even if Sirius kept the map on his person, Harry was unlikely to be able to get it.
"I only need it for a moment!"
He stopped his pacing and muttering suddenly as a thought began to take shape.
The Marauder's Map was no longer unique, was it? And the owner of the second was much more accessible, teaching not one but two of Harry's classes now, and watching Harry like a predator stalking its prey all the rest of the time.
It took him a while longer, but he found something he could use. It never hurt to think ahead.
He laughed mirthlessly, causing Pince's nostrils to flare in mute rage, and ran out of the library.
All he needed now was to get a good glance at Snape's map.
He ignored the heads turning to look at him, and kept running until he reached Gryffindor common room.
"Neville, I need a big favor."
Neville looked up from his Herbology book and squinted at him. "Sure, Harry. What is it?"
"I need you to distract Snape for me."
Neville paled a little. "Distract him? How?"
Harry thought hard. "I think... if you make a racket outside the Potions classroom..."
Neville looked very uncertain.
"Look, I'll buy you that Hypa-something -- that plant you wanted."
"A Yellow-Leaf Hypasummacus?"
"That's the one."
"I'll do it," Neville said, a grin spreading over his face. "When do you need me?"
Harry had to think. It had to be during a Potions lesson, because if Neville started screaming outside the Defense classroom he was likely to draw the attention of other professors, and Snape would have little reason to waste his time getting to the bottom of the disturbance. "I think it better be next Friday," he said, a bit disappointed with his own conclusion.
"All right. Just let me know when and where."
"Thanks, Neville," Harry said. "You have no idea how much I appreciate this."
He left Neville pouring over a plant catalog, and made his way up to the dorm.
Friday. An entire week away, and leaving him only a week before the next full moon. If he was reading Sirius right, Remus might not survive another transformation; at least not with his humanity intact.
That is, if that hadn't been permanently lost already.
Harry clenched his fists and shut his eyes. He refused to believe it! There had to be a way to help Remus, and if no one else had any better ideas, then he, Harry, had to find the answer on his own.
And for that, he needed to see Remus, and find out if he was really what Remus needed.
He was on pins and needles all week, especially after seeing the state Sirius was in.
"How is he?"
Sirius' bloodshot eyes briefly connected with his, then looked away dejectedly. "Worse."
"Are you any closer to finding something to help him?"
"No."
"Can I see him?"
"No."
"It can hardly make things worse, Sirius!"
Sirius shook his head, turned, and started to walk away from him.
"Wait a a minute!" Harry grabbed his sleeve angrily. "Don't walk away from me!"
All at once, Hermione and Ron were at their side, Ron poised as though expecting to intervene in a fistfight.
"Harry, leave him alone!" Hermione cried. "He's just trying to keep you safe!"
"What do you know about it?" Harry demanded. He turned to Sirius. "Does everyone know more than I do?"
Sirius wouldn't answer him, and Harry rounded on Hermione. "Since when are you...!"
"I've been helping! Doing research! You don't know what you're doing Harry. Please, let him go."
"Only if someone explains to me what in bloody hell is going on!"
Hermione looked up helplessly at Sirius, who shrugged and looked away, then at Ron, who took hold of Harry's arm and pulled it forcefully away. Despite his freedom, Sirius remained standing where he was, and Harry made no move toward him.
"Harry," Hermione said softly. "We can't help Professor Lupin, and... And..." She seemed to struggle with herself. "And if you spend time with him, there's a chance the same thing will happen to you."
Harry stared at her. "What are you saying?"
"You might go mad, Harry," Hermione repeated. "Do you understand now? We can't let you see him, because we might lose both of you!"
Harry looked up at his godfather, who still refused to look at him. "Sirius?"
"There are documented cases of a werewolf's mate being affected by the separation. As long as we don't allow a bond to form between you..." Sirius sighed heavily. "Maybe we can keep our loses --"
Harry wrenched his arm out of Ron's grasp. "You bastard!" he hissed. "You weren't even going to tell me, were you? There's a way to save him and you weren't going to even consider it, just because there's a risk to me. You have no right to make this decision for me!"
Sirius turned on him, his face twisted in pain and anger. "I'm already going to lose one -- I'm not going to lose two people I care about!"
Harry took a step toward him, and Ron made a move as though to grab him again.
Harry lowered his clenched hands. "You have no right, Sirius. I'm never going to forgive you."
"Harry --" Hermione began.
"Shut up, Hermione," Harry spat, turning to walk away. "Just shut up."
Friday couldn't come too soon, as far as Harry was concerned.
"Are you ready, Neville?" he asked, all the while marveling at his own stroke of genius. No one ever bothered to tell shy, quiet Neville anything. No chance of Neville being in on the conspiracy against him.
"Yes," Neville said, setting aside his book and giving Harry his full attention. "Tell me what to do."
"This mirror will let you see me the entire time," Harry said, handing it to him. "I need you to stand outside the Potions classroom and wait until you see me go up to Snape's desk. Then do whatever it takes to bring him running into the corridor."
"Got it," Neville said, nodding. "Whatever it takes."
Harry had a few doubts about Neville's ability to cause enough of a ruckus to get everyone's attention away from Harry, but it was the best plan he had. "Great. Class is at one o'clock."
"I'll be there," Neville promised.
Harry went to bed that night hardly able to stand the wait any longer.
What if something went wrong? What if Snape ignored whatever distraction Neville managed to create, or saw it for the ruse it was? What if the map wasn't there? He had only seen Snape put it in his desk drawer once -- what if that wasn't where he usually kept it?
It was no use thinking he might follow Sirius to where he was hiding Remus, because Sirius was so determined to avoid him, possibly for this very reason. After their latest confrontation, Sirius would be that much more careful.
The plan had to work. It was the only plan Harry had, and quite likely Remus' only chance.
Harry was completely unprepared for the chaos that broke out in Potions class the next day, as thick, acrid smoke billowed in from the corridor.
"Help! Someone! Help!"
Every head in the room, save Harry's own, turned toward the door. Snape, his wand already in his hand, made his way through the crowd, pushing students roughly aside. "Everyone back to your seats!"
No one listened to him. Everyone's neck was craning to get a better look at the figure leaping and hollering through the smoke-filled corridor.
Harry had to hand it to Neville, he rose to the occasion brilliantly.
The map was in the drawer, just as Harry had hoped, and just as he'd hoped, it was in all ways inferior to the original. In no time at all he was scanning the parchment for the one dot that mattered...
"Get back to your seats!" Snape bellowed over the din. "At once!"
There! He saw it, in the lowermost corner of the parchment. A moment later the map had been replaced in the drawer, and Harry had joined his classmates, who had never noticed his absence.
It took Snape the rest of class time to calm everyone down, and in the end he was forced to dismiss them. Gryffindor, by that time, was trailing all other houses in points, and half the class had been assigned detention.
"I'm going to kill Neville," Ron growled to Harry as they exited. "What was he doing down here, anyway?"
Harry muttered something that might be mistaken for agreement.
"What was that stuff? I bet Fred and George would be interested in it," Ron continued a bit more amicably.
Harry shrugged.
"Are you okay, mate?" Ron asked, squinting at him.
Harry gave him an incredulous look. "Am I okay?"
Ron flushed uncomfortably, and when Harry walked off in the opposite direction of the Great Hall, he didn't follow.
Harry spent an uncomfortable afternoon, unable to eat or be around his friends.
He had to do it that night. Given time, Snape might put things together, the way only he could, and realize what Harry had been up to.
What he hadn't counted on was Sirius, who showed up suddenly, watching him as though he knew Harry's intentions.
"I don't need you following me around, Sirius," Harry snapped finally, when he saw Sirius leaning against a column outside the library, where he had taken refuge, hoping Sirius might become bored and leave.
"I need to talk to you, Harry."
Harry gave him an appraising look. "I don't think so. Not unless you intend to take me to Remus."
Sirius expression hardened, and he shook his head. "I can't do that."
"Then I have nothing to say to you."
Turning on his heel, Harry stalked away.
It was next to impossible, pretending all was normal while planning his escape. Hermione kept looking his way, and finally Harry decided to remove himself to the dormroom, with the excuse that he had a headache.
Finally, the last of the seventh years came up, the lights were put out, and conversation ceased. Harry, lying fully dressed under the covers, waited until their breathing became steady. After so many years, he knew the sounds each one made, from Seamus' quiet snores to Ron's wheezing ones.
Still, he waited. He imagined Sirius might stay up late, making sure Harry didn't leave the dorm under cover of darkness. Snape would be making his rounds, prowling the corridors in search of students out of bed. Filch would be finishing up the last of his cleaning, and Mrs. Norris would be sniffing about.
A clock struck far below, and Harry counted along with it.
Two o'clock.
Time to go.
He sat up and pushed away the duvet silently. He needed no light to find his way around the dormroom; previous midnight escapades lent plenty experience. With one hand he felt around for his wand, and with the other eased open the bottom drawer of his nightstand.
It wasn't there.
In the pitch darkness, Harry stared blindly into the empty drawer, for a moment not comprehending the emptiness his fingers had encountered.
He gritted his teeth in anger. If Sirius thought taking the Cloak would keep him from leaving Gryffindor Tower...!
Fishing his boots out from under the bed, he tiptoed down the stairs. Then, pausing on the bottom step long enough to put them on, he made his way across the dark common room.
A sound startled him, and he whirled around.
"You're not going to stop me!" he said angrily. "I don't care what you say!"
Sirius didn't answer. Looking closer, Harry realized he had fallen asleep where he sat, the long sleepless nights by Remus' bedside finally catching up with him.
The pathetic sight caused an odd tightening inside his chest, and he forced himself to look away quickly.
The portrait swung open, letting him out, and he quickened his pace to put as much distance as he could between himself and the common room. Without the Cloak he couldn't risk staying out in the open.
He was used to navigating the hallways at night, avoiding those staircases that tended to clang loudly as they shifted, and only minutes later he had made it to the third floor. Even with only the scant light coming from the windows to guide him, he could make out the outline of the door at the end of the corridor, behind which Remus was concealed.
"Potter!"
Harry froze, his eyes shutting involuntarily. Snape. If there was one thing he didn't need just then...
He turned around slowly, steadying himself for the familiar sight of Snape's livid face.
The corridor behind him was empty.
Hastened by desperation, Harry dove for the cover of a column.
He waited, stilling his breath, and now he could hear Snape's footsteps approaching.
From where he stood, Harry could reach out and touch the doorknob. Was there time? He reached into his pocket...
"I know you're here, Potter!"
Harry's hand clenched convulsively over the handle of his wand, but he knew he had missed his chance. Snape had already rounded the corner, and was moving quickly toward him.
Halting only a few feet from where Harry was hidden, Snape turned his head slowly, scanning the corridor from side to side. Harry, his heart pounding in his throat, waited for the inevitable moment when Snape's black eyes would rest squarely upon him.
A scowl formed slowly on Snape's face. "If the werewolf tears you apart, Potter..." His eyes moved slowly past Harry's hiding place, while Harry pressed against the wall, wishing he knew a spell to melt into it.
"It will not be on my conscience."
Turning on his heel, Snape stomped off down the corridor, his robes billowing after him.
Harry, still frozen in place, watched him disappear around a corner, his footsteps growing softer with increasing distance.
Slowly, he stepped out from behind the column, expecting at any moment to feel Snape's heavy hand to clamp down on his shoulder.
The corridor remained empty and silent.
"Al-Alohamora," Harry whispered, his voice trembling.
The lock clicked and the door creaked open. With a final look behind him, Harry slipped inside.
The room was pitch black, and Harry gripped his wand a little tighter in his sweaty hand. "Remus?" he called softly. "It's me --Harry." He swallowed and cleared his throat. "Remus? Are you here?"
Something moved in the darkness around him, making itself known only by the disturbance in the air that caused the hairs on Harry's arms and neck to stand on end. He could almost see -- though it was impossible to see anything -- the blackness around him move in closer.
And now there was a sound. A sniffing, snuffling, uneven breathing, now in front of him, now off to the side, now coming from behind...
"Remus? Is that you?" Harry asked again softly. "Are you here? Can I turn on the lights?"
He was afraid now, though he stood rooted to the floor and never gave the possibility of flight a thought.
He was afraid Sirius was right; that Remus was no longer in his human mind, and saw Harry no different than any other human -- potential prey for the beast within.
"Remus?"
Something warm and rough reached through the blackness and touched the side of his face, rasping over his skin like fine sandpaper. Hot breath was exhaled across his cheek and lips before all was still again.
"Remus?" Harry whispered, barely able to stand now for the trembling in his limbs. "Remus?"
The breath was on his neck now, hot and coming rapid and ragged, as though its owner had been running. Unable to stand it any longer, Harry turned around to face it. "Rem--"
Strong arms grabbed him and pulled him forward, causing his head to fall against a hard, bony shoulder. Still holding him in an iron grip, his captor compelled him to shuffle backwards, half pushing, half dragging him along.
Harry had no time to panic as he tripped over something lying on the floor, lost his balance, and began to fall. It only occurred to him after the fact that he had been released, and that instead of a hard stone floor he had met what might have been a thin mattress.
He attempted to raise himself up, only to find the way blocked, and it was then that he realized the thing that had grabbed him -- the thing that might be Remus, but yet couldn't be Remus as Harry knew him -- was no longer standing over him but was crouched near, bent over him so that strands of hair brushed Harry's face when he raised his head. The knowledge that his face was mere inches from that of the unseen entity was enough to sap him of strength, and he fell back on the mattress.
There was such awful, impenetrable darkness all around, and the breathing so close to his ear was so ragged, as though there was not enough oxygen in the room to satisfy the breather, that Harry thought he would go mad while he waited for the inevitable end to it. He didn't, at any time, believe that he might lie there, untouched, until morning, when rescue could be hoped for.
If only he could see...!
If he could only see what was there, breathing on his face, inhaling his scent. If only he could know when a hand might reach out to touch his face -- as it did now, drawing an involuntary whimper from his throat.
Then he realized, he could see -- could have seen all along, because his wand was still clutched tightly in his cramped and sweaty hand, and a mere word --
"Lumos!"
With a growl of frustration, Remus leaped back from the sudden light, shielding his eyes.
Taking advantage of his distraction, Harry tried to crawl away.
Snarling, Remus grabbed him by the ankle and pulled him back. The full weight of his body pinned Harry to the mattress, and no amount of struggling would dislodge him. After a few moments, exhausted, Harry fell quiet.
His wand had rolled out of his hand, but didn't go out. Its dim light lit up the room enough to see by, and cast an eerie glow across Remus' features.
His eyes were almost level with Harry's; in fact Harry could do nothing but stare into them, hypnotized by the two amber orbs -- the eyes of the wolf -- looking back at him out of Remus' human face.
"Remus?"
Instead of answering, Remus pulled him closer, grinding against him as though trying to meld their bodies into one.
"Ow," Harry protested. "You're hurting me!"
A growl was his answer. Arms encircled him, pushing his head into Remus' neck.
It took Harry a moment to realize he could still breathe, though it was best to keep his mouth closed unless he wanted a mouthful of hair. His only option seemed to lie still and wait.
Remus gave no indication of intending to let him go, but when Harry stopped moving he curled onto his side. His eyes raked over Harry's body greedily, fixating finally on his throat.
For one wild, panicked moment, Harry thought Remus would bite him.
Teeth rasped briefly over his skin, but were quickly replaced by a soft, wet tongue.
"Remus, please..." Harry begged, hoping he might reason with him, despite Remus' state.
Remus kissed him.
If it could be called a kiss; it was a possessive, slobbering lick, culminating with Remus' mouth covering Harry's lips, sucking and chewing almost hard enough to draw blood. When Remus broke away, it was only to move his attention downward to Harry's neck, nibbling and licking just below his ear.
Harry gave up. What was the use of struggling? He couldn't match Remus' strength, and in his altered state Remus could easily kill him. Reasoning with him appeared impossible.
Harry wasn't even sure he wanted to struggle. This is what he had come for; to be with Remus and to help him. If someone had told him this would happen when he found Remus, wouldn't he have entered the forbidden chamber just the same? He had known Remus wouldn't be himself, Sirius had told him Remus was quickly losing touch with his humanity. To be repulsed now, to want to abandon him...
Remus was staring at him again, having paused his exploration of what little of Harry's skin was exposed to him.
"I love you. I'm going to stay with you," Harry said, his voice trembling slightly because Remus' eyes narrowed at the first sound he made.
Remus sniffed at him, pushing Harry's chin with his nose. There seemed to be no comprehension.
"I'm not too late, am I?" Harry asked, not expecting an answer. "I..."
As Harry fell silent, Remus settled against him, their heads side by side with his nose buried in Harry's hair. His breathing gradually slowed, but while he appeared to be asleep, his grip on Harry never relaxed.
The only sound now was that of their breathing. Time seemed to have stopped, and Harry listened in vain for the clock downstairs to strike. His body was growing stiff from lying in one position, and a cold draft along the floor chilled him, but Harry would do nothing to alleviate his discomfort, lest he wake Remus.
He had spent long, lonely nights before, but few as long and lonely as this, when his own heart beats seemed to come hours apart, and dawn might have been swallowed by eternal darkness. He could no longer believe that there were others in the castle, or that there even was a castle beyond the walls of the small chamber. His world had been reduced to the sound of Remus' breathing and the hot puffs of breath against his temple.
"Harry?"
Harry turned his head, not quite sure the hoarse whisper had really been his name. He found Remus' eyes half-open and cloudy, but the expression in them undeniably human.
"Remus? Are you all right?" His own voice, coming from his dry, constricted throat, was barely audible, but he felt suddenly wider awake than he had ever been in his life, a shot of adrenaline sending hot blood pumping through his veins.
"Shouldn't... be... here..." Remus whispered. He shut his eyes, breathing hard. "Not... safe."
Harry reached out and gently stroked his face. "It's all right. They're not going to keep me from you again. You'll get better now. You'll see."
Remus' eyes opened. "Harry... please..."
"Shhh..." Harry whispered. He pulled Remus close to him, trying to lend both comfort and warmth, because he felt Remus trembling.
"Harry..."
His strength failed, and his eyes closed again, his head falling limp against Harry's chest.
"Nox," Harry whispered, extinguishing the feeble light of his wand, which had burned faithfully through the night. Wrapping his arms around Remus' shoulders, he sighed deeply and closed his eyes.
It seemed like only a minute had passed before someone was shaking him out of his sleep.
"Harry... Wake up."
Harry awoke with a start. "Remus?"
Sirius scowled down at him. "No. Just me."
"I meant," Harry said, returning the glare, "where is he?"
"I took him to the infirmary a half hour ago." Sirius' expression did not soften. "I think you and I need to have a little talk."
"Later," Harry said, pushing himself off the floor. "I'm going to see him."
"No, you're not," Sirius said, grabbing him painfully by the arm. "You're going to sit --" He thrust Harry into a rickety chair, causing it to nearly tip over, "-- and you're going to listen!"
Harry gripped the edge of the chair, his knuckles turning white, but remained seated and silent.
"I don't know what you think you're playing at!" Sirius began, his voice rising with each word. "Last night he nearly took my head off!"
"Well he didn't want you, did he?" Harry muttered. "He was perfectly happy to let me stay."
"You were lucky! It took both Snape and Pomfrey to help me get him onto a hospital bed!"
"You should have left him with me," Harry said through gritted teeth. "He was better! He spoke to me. He knew who I was!"
Sirius' lips thinned into a pale line.
"Don't have an answer for that, do you?" Harry challenged. "Let me see him! I won't let you keep me away!"
"You may see him in the infirmary," Sirius said reluctantly. "But not again. It isn't safe, and as your guardian, I refuse to allow it! If you try to find him again, I will --"
"You'll what?" Harry sneered, wrenching his arms out of Sirius' grasp. "What are you going to do, Sirius?"
Sirius stood up abruptly. "I'll take you out of Hogwarts. You can spend the rest of the year at Grimmauld Place with Molly Weasley fussing over you."
Harry glared at him. The injustice made his blood boil; had wandless magic not been weak and unfocused, Sirius might have been reduced to a pile of ash on the floor.
"Come on," Sirius said, apparently made uncomfortable by the silence between them. "I'll take you to see him."
Harry, seeing no choice but to follow him, picked his wand up off the floor and ran to catch up.
Remus was strapped to a bed, awake and restless. The moment Harry entered, he strained to free himself.
"Don't go any closer," Sirius said, his hand clamping down on Harry's shoulder to keep him from reaching the bed.
"Let go of me!" Harry hissed, but Sirius' fingers only dug more painfully into his flesh. Giving up, he turned to Remus. "Remus?"
There was no sign that Remus could understand him. His hands continued to claw at the leather straps holding him in place, and his eyes never left Harry's face.
"Can't you see he wants me?" Harry said, struggling once again with Sirius, who now needed both arms to hold him.
"I can see he wants you!" Sirius grunted, pulling him farther from the bed. "Wants to tear into you!"
"He doesn't! If he did, he had plenty of opportunity last night!"
That was clearly the wrong thing to say. Sirius dragged him -- Harry kicking and struggling all the way -- from the infirmary, not letting go until Pomfrey had locked the doors behind them.
"You stay away," Sirius said as Harry backed away from him. He scowled at his arms, which were bleeding where Harry had scratched him. "You're clearly not able to think straight anymore. If I see you anywhere near this --"
Harry didn't stay to hear the rest. The corridors were a blur; he didn't stop running until he had reached the seventh floor, and then it took him several minutes to steady his breathing enough to give the password.
"Harry --" Hermione exclaimed, jumping up from one of the chairs, but the expression on his face seemed to shock her mute; she fell back, colliding with Ron.
Harry made his way up to the dormitory, hardly aware that all conversation in the common room had ceased upon his entry, and that all eyes were on him until he disappeared from sight.
A few minutes later there was a timid knock on the door, and Ron poked his head in. "Harry?"
Harry looked up from his bed, where he had thrown himself.
"Er... breakfast," Ron finished lamely.
Harry dragged himself off the bed, struggling to compose himself. Despite his anger, he knew it would be better to hide the bulk of his feelings from his friends. "I'll be down as soon as I wash up," he said. "You can go ahead."
"We'll wait," Ron said quickly, obviously not believing him. "Hermione and I, I mean."
"Fine," Harry said. He shut the bathroom door, only just refraining from slamming it.
He had calmed down somewhat by the time they reached the Great Hall, and his return to normalcy seemed to put his friends at greater ease, if their continuous chatter was any indication.
He was starting to think more rationally, already planning his next move. He wasn't going to let Sirius drive him away.
The morning mail came, and as though in answer to his thoughts, a large barn owl dropped a parcel into his lap. He shoved it into his bookbag before anyone could ask him what it was.
"I'm not going to be in class," he told Ron as they left the Hall and Hermione headed in the direction of the Arithmancy classroom. "I'm not feeling up to it."
Ron nodded. "Double Potions... I don't blame you."
Freed from his friends for the morning, Harry returned to Gryffindor Tower.
In the dorm he unwrapped his parcel carefully, and examined the contents.
It was too bad the nursery took so long to deliver the plant, or it wouldn't have been necessary to get Neville in such trouble as Snape was making for him.
Using a pair of nail clippers, he carefully removed two small leaves, and wrapped them in a handkerchief.
His job done, he set the plant on Neville's bedside table, where Neville would be sure to see it first thing when he returned from detention.
All he needed now was something with Remus' scent on it, and there was plenty of that. The robes he had taken off earlier would do nicely.
"Try to hide him from me now," he muttered when he had finished.
He didn't need to speak to Sirius to know Remus had been moved. Neither did he need to look for them to know both Sirius and Snape were keeping a close eye on him.
He ignored them, safe in the knowledge that he could find Remus when he needed to.
Soon after dinner ended in the Great Hall, Harry managed to lose his friends, and made his way slowly up the staircase. At each floor he would pause just long enough to sniff the air.
He came up to the dormitory having found Remus' whereabouts -- the east wing of the fourth floor.
Getting out of Gryffindor Tower again might have proven a challenge, but Harry intended to use the floo network this time, since all fourth floor rooms had a fireplace. It was guarded from student use, but Harry had been given the necessary passwords long ago. He doubted they would have been changed.
Midnight found him still lying in bed, eyes closed and pretending to be sleeping soundly. Ron was still awake, looking grimly determined to stay up all night if that's what it took to keep Harry from running off. Harry was sure that in the girls' dorm, Hermione was also awake, ready to do whatever it took to stop him.
His head hurt. It had started as a vague ache in the back of his neck, and traveled slowly upward. Finally, his forehead began to throb, much like it used to when the pain was caused by his scar, and a burning behind his eyes almost blinded him with its intensity.
But then, why shouldn't his head hurt? He'd barely slept in days; even when he did manage to sleep he hardly rested, with thoughts of Remus constantly on his mind. The previous night he had spent on a cold floor, with only a thin mattress under him and a cold draft blowing over him. Anyone's head would ache.
Early dawn had colored the sky pink before he felt it safe to get up. Ron was slumped over against the headboard, his mouth hanging open and a quill still held loosely in one hand. The parchment on his lap had been consumed by a blob of ink.
He crept down to the common room, and found it empty. He guessed that Sirius had learned from his mistake, and had taken up position in the corridor outside, thinking the opening of the portrait would be a better indicator of Harry's attempted escape.
The floo worked as expected, which was just as well because after his delayed departure Harry couldn't have stood it if something had gone wrong.
The room he found himself in was bigger than the previous, and well lit with a dozen or more torches.
Remus was pacing up and down in front of the door. When Harry appeared he froze, his head whipping around and his eyes narrowing.
"Remus?" Harry said. "I'm here, like I promised."
Those yellowish eyes unnerved him; he couldn't tell what Remus might be thinking, as the expression in them was unintelligible.
Slowly, they approached each other. Remus circled Harry slowly before closing the last gap between them.
"Harry."
Harry startled, surprised at how normal Remus sounded.
"Remus?"
"You shouldn't be here. I told Sirius..." He shook his head impatiently. "You shouldn't be here."
"I want to be here," Harry said. "I want you to get better." He studied Remus' face for a moment. "You are better. I can see it."
Remus sniffed. "You shouldn't be here. You have no idea..."
"Come sit down," Harry said, motioning to the bed. "We can talk about it."
Looking uncertain, Remus allowed Harry to take his hand and lead him to the bed.
"Now," Harry continued when they were seated. "Explain to me why you don't want me to be with you." He began to fuss with the blanket, trying to look unconcerned.
Remus didn't answer him. When Harry looked up, he found Remus staring at him, his head cocked to one side and all signs of comprehension gone.
"Remus? Are you --"
As before, Remus leaned closer and sniffed him, his nose brushing over Harry's cheek. One hand tangled in Harry's hair, the grip hard enough to hurt.
Harry sighed in resignation. "All right. Lets just get some sleep, then."
Pulling Remus slowly down with him, he curled up on the edge of the bed and pulled the blanket over them both. Determined to lead by example, he shut his eyes.
He was aware of Remus studying him for a long time before he lowered his head, his warm breath on the back of Harry's neck. Content to listen to Remus' heartbeat, Harry was unaware of sleep overtaking him.
Footsteps woke him. Moments later the door banged open, revealing a furious Sirius. "There you are!"
Harry raised his head off the bed, turned slowly toward him, barred his teeth, and let out a deep, throaty growl.
Sirius froze mid-step.
Harry startled, blinked several times, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Oh. Sirius." He looked around the room, frowning in confusion. "Where...?"
"Harry?" Sirius took a few cautious steps toward him. "Are you all right?"
Harry looked down at the still-sleeping Remus, then looked up at Sirius again. "Sure. I'm fine." He frowned again. "I think."
"You think?"
"I don't remember coming here."
Sirius stared at him.
"I just remember looking for him," Harry continued, gesturing toward Remus. "I couldn't sleep. I was worried..." He shook his head. "I guess I found him?"
Sirius cleared his throat. "It looks like it, Harry." He sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed. Keeping one eye on Harry, he checked Remus' pulse. "He seems to be sleeping soundly. That's good."
Harry looked down and smiled. "Yeah..." When he looked up, he found Sirius staring at him. "What?"
Sirius shook his head. "Nothing... Would you mind if Pomfrey took a quick look at you?"
"What for?"
"Oh, just to make sure you're all right."
"I feel fine," Harry said, shrugging. "But if you really want..."
"I do."
"All right."
Sirius pulled him gently to the door, but Harry stopped to look back at Remus.
"He'll be fine," Sirius assured him, applying a bit more force to keep Harry moving.
They didn't speak on the way to the hospital wing, where Sirius helped Harry onto a bed and hovered close by while Pomfrey examined him.
"Lie flat on your back," Pomfrey told him.
Harry did as he was told, and uttered no protest no matter how much she prodded him.
Sirius, whose attention had been solely on Harry, turned toward the door, and Harry looked up just as Snape came in.
"What's he doing here, Sirius?" Harry inquired without much interest.
Sirius shook his head and left Harry's bedside. By craning his neck Harry could see the two men talking, too low for him to hear.
"He what?" Snape suddenly exclaimed.
"Shhh!" Sirius hissed, with a glance at Harry.
They talked for a few minutes longer, then both approached Harry.
"Harry," Sirius said, looking apologetic. "Would you mind terribly if Sn--er-- Professor Snape performed a quick --"
Snape pushed Sirius aside. Whipping out his wand, he pointed it straight at Harry. "Legilimens!"
Harry felt a familiar stab into his consciousness as Snape probed his thoughts. Images began to run unbidden through his mind, disordered and random at first, but increasingly more focused.
Snape broke contact and stepped back, an ugly frown forming on his face.
"What is it?" Sirius demanded. "What did you see?"
Snape motioned for Sirius to follow him, all the while looking at Harry.
Harry rubbed his temples, scowling. "I'm leaving." He swung his legs out of bed and prepared to jump down.
"You stay right there!" Sirius commanded..
Harry glared at him, but made no further move to leave the bed. He watched as Snape led Sirius to a corner, where they proceeded to discuss something at length in whispers, with frequent glances at him. Sirius looked more and more upset as the conversation progressed.
Harry waited impatiently until Sirius returned to his side. "Well? Can I go now?"
"Harry," Sirius said, a wide, fake smile plastered on his face. "How would you like it if all three of us -- you, me, and Remus --spent the day together?"
Harry hopped down from the bed. "Can we go right now?"
"Yes," Sirius said. His smile now looked like it hurt. "We can go right now."
Snape scowled at them as they exited the infirmary, and Pomfrey huffed indignantly when her protests went unheeded.
Harry, feeling triumphant over his success, trotted to keep up with Sirius longer strides. Even the glum expression on Sirius' face could not dampen his spirits.
"Harry," Sirius said, stopping suddenly and taking Harry by the shoulders. "I'll understand if you're doing this because you think it's the only way you will have a chance with him. I won't be angry. Just -- please -- think hard about what you're doing."
Harry looked into Sirius' searching eyes without blinking. "I don't know what you mean, Sirius. Can we go see Remus now?"
Sirius let him go with a frustrated sigh. "Of course."
Harry followed him, two steps behind.
So, Occlumency had come in handy after all, he thought to himself, not feeling at all badly for deceiving Sirius.
Remus did love him. Remus wanted him! The wolf was part of Remus' subconscious, and Remus would never have claimed Harry as his mate if there weren't feeling there. The whole thing with James... Harry didn't buy it. If it was James Remus had loved, he would have gone mad soon after James' death. Certainly, there could have been a quality James and Harry shared -- didn't everyone keep saying how like his father Harry was? -- that got Remus' attention, but no one could suggest Harry could be mistaken for James.
Remus loved Harry, and Harry loved Remus. If no one else could see it, and if Remus himself needed a reason to act on his feelings, then why shouldn't Harry take advantage of the current situation.
His heart began to beat faster as they reached the door to Remus' room.
Sirius sighed heavily as he unlocked it, looking at Harry as though he still hoped a change of mind was possible.
Harry tapped his foot impatiently. Would Sirius never get the door open? That had to be the third key he was trying.
"Sorry," Sirius said, noticing Harry's frustration. "I don't know why it's not under a password."
"I can do it," Harry said, reaching for the keys, but just then the lock clicked and he redirected his hand to the door handle instead.
"Watch it!" Sirius exclaimed as the door nearly hit him in the face. "Harry, wait!"
But Harry was already inside, and had no intention of slowing down. By the time Sirius was inside and had lighted his wand, Harry was on the bed next to Remus, who was just then stirring out of sleep.
"Remus?" Harry called softly, patting Remus' shoulder. "It's Harry. And Sirius."
Sirius came closer. "Remus? How do you feel?"
Remus sat up abruptly, pulling his shoulder out from under Harry's hand. "Sirius, I told you --"
"I couldn't. I'm sorry."
Remus looked at Harry, who gave him a weak smile and tried to wrap his arms around him from behind, and rose from the bed before Harry could touch him again. "You should take him away. Do you know he spent the night here?"
Harry scowled at Sirius from behind Remus' back.
Sirius cleared his throat. "Remus. It's too late. I'm sorry."
Remus paled, looking from Sirius to Harry with an expression that wavered between devastation and helplessness.
"Harry," Sirius said quietly. "Would you mind leaving us for a moment?"
Harry looked around, but the room was too small for him to give the men any privacy and still stay inside.
"Just stand at the fireplace."
Harry nodded and moved to the specified location, happy that he would not be expelled from the room. He pretended not to, but watched as Sirius and Remus moved closer together, their heads almost touching.
"... I could do ... best to keep ..."
Harry concentrated harder, but he couldn't hear Remus' reply at all. He sighed and leaned back against the wall.
They were taking too long for his liking. Unable to stand in one place, he began to walk slowly from one end of the fireplace to the other.
"Just give us a few more minutes, all right?" Sirius called, noticing.
"Fine," Harry muttered, forcing himself to slow down.
They continued talking, and Harry listened with all his might, catching a few words here and there.
"... try to keep him ..." Sirius was saying, "... if he begins to show ..."
"Hey, wait a minute!" Harry cried, catching the gist of it. "This concerns me -- I'm not going to stand here while you two --"
"Harry!" Sirius cut him off. "Remus and I need to discuss this. I promise you will have your chance."
Harry scowled. "You told me I could stay with him. You told me."
"I said the two of us would spend the day together."
Harry gave him a wide-eyed, pleading look. "Then you haven't decided? Sirius! Can I stay with him or not? Please, please don't try to keep me away again, or I --" He paused, breathing hard. "I couldn't take it if he got worse again," he amended.
There was a moment of silence, while Sirius looked first at Harry and then at Remus, giving the latter an apologetic look. Harry waited, shuffling from one foot to the other.
"Yes, you can stay with him," he said finally, shaking his head in resignation.
"Sirius," Remus said, half rising from the bed. "No."
"What can I do, Remus?" Sirius asked helplessly, forgetting to speak quietly. "What can I do? Look at him --" he motioned toward Harry, who had resumed pacing the floor restlessly as soon as he had heard what he wanted. "It's too late. Snape says --"
He lowered his voice again, and Harry couldn't hear any more.
A few minutes later Harry became aware of the silence in the room, and looked up to find the two men watching him, Remus' eyes following his every move with a pained expression, and Sirius with his brow furrowed and his lips pulled into a thin line.
"Come over here, Harry," Sirius said, pulling a chair in front of the bed.
Harry crossed the room and sat down.
"What we want to know," Sirius began, "is how you felt about Remus before --" He cut himself off, looking uncomfortable.
"Before I bit him," Remus put in grimly.
"Right," Sirius said. "Harry?"
"Of course I felt like this before the bite," Harry said, a little put off by the way the two continued looking at him. "I loved Remus long before that."
"I think," Remus said cautiously, "it may have been just a crush, Harry."
"You knew about it?" Harry demanded, echoed by Sirius' indignant, "And you didn't see fit to tell me?"
"I couldn't help noticing," Remus said with a sheepish smile. "I thought it was innocent and would run its course sooner or later."
"I put up with Snape for you," Harry said accusingly. "I put up with the Dursleys for you. I became an Animagus for you."
The last was greeted by uncomfortable silence.
"Oh, so you do think this whole thing is my fault!" Harry exclaimed. "Fine! Go ahead! So much easier to blame me than to believe me when I say it's not such a bloody tragedy as you try to make it out to be!"
"Can we just discuss this calmly?" Sirius said, looking worriedly at Remus, who was rubbing his eyes wearily. "Harry, I told you several times I don't believe it was your fault."
Harry took a deep breath. "I know you did. I'm sorry."
There was a silence.
"So," Sirius said. "Lets try this again. You say you felt like this about Remus before?"
"Yes," Harry said, nodding vehemently.
"And you don't think that anything has changed in the way you feel about him?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Have you noticed how you're acting?"
"How am I acting?" Harry demanded.
"Listless. Nervous. Jumpy," Sirius listed. "Overly excited when you think you're going to see him."
"Maybe that's because you've tried to keep me away."
"Or because you can no longer function normally when you aren't with him," Sirius retorted. "In which case, we have a problem on our hands, don't we?"
"I don't see any problem," Harry muttered.
"Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life with me?" Remus asked, before Sirius could say anything.
"Yes," Harry said immediately.
"And you don't see how irrational this is?" Sirius asked. "A short while ago you had plans for your life; now your only desire is to be with him."
Harry glared at him. "What's wrong with that?"
"You don't think there's something unnatural about the strength of your feelings for him?"
"This is what I want!" Harry yelled, losing his remaining patience and forgetting both Remus' weakness and his own determination to appear calm and rational. "This is what I've wanted since... since...!"
Remus' eyes narrowed. Sirius only looked expectant, not guessing, like Remus must have, what Harry might say next.
"Since the summer after fifth year," Harry finished through gritted teeth, loathe to bring up the subject he himself had made forbidden.
Remus said nothing, but continued to stare at him, and Harry had to force himself not to look away.
"What," Sirius said slowly, "are you talking about? What happened between you?"
He turned his glare on Remus, who looked back with disgust. "Nothing as far as I know, Sirius. You can stop looking at me like that."
Sirius' head swiveled slowly around until he was looking at Harry. "Harry?"
"You were dead," Harry said brutally. "He was the only friend I had left. The only one I could trust to treat me like a human being instead of a puppet to be used and then discarded. And you know what?" He raised his chin defiantly. "That hasn't changed."
"What are you talking about?" Sirius demanded again. He shot another glance at Remus, but Remus frowned and shook his head.
"Just this," Harry said, steeling himself against the hurt look beginning to creep into Sirius' eyes. "None of you -- not you, not Hermione, not Ron, and certainly not Dumbledore -- care a whit about me when it comes down to a choice between what I want and what you think I must do. If there's a way I can be useful --" He felt his lip curling in a sneer -- "for the greater good -- then you don't consider if it's something I don't want to do, or even if it's something that isn't good for me." He laughed harshly. "Do you really think I want to be an Auror? Or play Quidditch after I leave Hogwarts? No one's ever bothered to ask me. Both were recommended to me as a way I can continue to inspire and support the Wizarding community. Does anyone even care what I want?"
Sirius seemed to have been rendered speechless by Harry's accusations.
"Remus is the only one I could ever trust," Harry finished.
"Remus?" Sirius said, turning to look at him. "What is he talking about?"
Remus looked down at the floor. "I..." He looked pained. "I took advantage of how needy he was. I wanted him to continue Occlumency, and not to make such a fuss over having to stay with the Dursleys, and not quit Quidditch like he was ready to do..."
Harry felt something in his chest begin to tighten.
"I knew I was the only one who hadn't completely broken his trust," Remus continued. "I took advantage of that."
"Took advantage how?" Sirius asked, his eyes narrowing suspiciously.
Remus laughed softly. "Oh... Nothing like that, Sirius. I knew I could get him to trust me, if I told him just a little more than anyone else would, and I knew I could get him to depend on me, if I was more willing to listen to him. You know how I used to be able to get you and James to do what I wanted, and have you thinking it had been your idea all along."
Sirius visibly relaxed. "I see."
"I'm sorry, Harry," Remus said, starting to reach out to touch Harry's arm, but stopping himself. "I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression."
"Look, Remus," Harry said calmly, "I've seen the way you've been looking at me. I don't think I got the wrong impression at all." He turned to look at Sirius. "I don't believe this whole thing about Remus confusing me with James. A fox and a stag? Please. He knew exactly what he was doing. Remus has felt the same way about me as I do about him. He just has the idea it's wrong, somehow."
Sirius didn't look convinced.
"Remus is in love with me. He just won't admit it," Harry repeated.
"Well?" Sirius demanded, turning to Remus and crossing his arms over his chest. "Are you?"
Remus couldn't hold his gaze, and looked down at the carpet.
Sirius' jaw dropped. "You are! What else have the two of you been keeping from me?"
Harry forced back an ironic smile -- did Sirius really believe Harry bared his heart to him? -- and shook his head. "Would you have understood, Sirius?"
Sirius hesitated for a moment. "You didn't give me the chance. Either of you."
"It wasn't like that," Remus protested suddenly, grabbing Sirius' hand. "I never meant for him to know."
"Then it is true?" Sirius looked slightly ill, as though only then fully accepting it.
"I..." Remus shook his head and fell silent.
"See?" Harry said triumphantly.
"Be quiet!" Sirius snapped. "Remus? Why didn't you ever say something?"
"What should I have said? It was hard enough to tell you about James."
Harry felt a stab of jealousy. So it was true about his father and Remus! He had almost been able to dismiss it entirely. "This isn't getting us anywhere," he said, wanting to close the subject before anything else was revealed that he'd rather not know. "Lets just move on."
Neither Sirius nor Remus said anything. Sirius was still looking ruffled, as if Remus and Harry were guilty of some great betrayal.
"Why is this so hard for the two of you?" Harry asked exasperatedly. "Remus, you need me! And I want to be with you. Why must you argue with me on this?"
Remus made a choking sound in his throat and looked away.
Harry appealed to his godfather. "Sirius? You know he will die unless we are together. There's no harm in letting me stay with him." He looked over at Remus and sighed. "If he doesn't want me... at least if I'm close by he won't get any worse."
"That isn't how it works," Remus mumbled, still not looking at him.
"What?"
When Remus didn't answer, Sirius cleared his throat. "You see, Harry, Remus' condition will continue to deteriorate unless --"
"No," Remus said flatly. "I refuse. It will not be considered."
"Do you understand, Harry?" Sirius asked with a pained expression on his face -- one that clearly said he hoped he wouldn't have to explain further.
"No," Harry said vindictively.
Sirius glared at him.
"Fine," Harry said, "I get it. And I'm perfectly willing."
"I'm not," Remus repeated. "Sirius, you must make him understand."
"Remus is unwilling to take the relationship to that level, Harry," Sirius said.
Harry rolled his eyes. "I'm not deaf. I heard him."
"Then there's nothing to talk about," Remus said, rising. "You should both leave. Sirius, you should --"
"I'm not going anywhere," Harry interrupted. "If you think I'm going to spend even one more sleepless night, wondering if you're dead or alive, or something in between, you're very wrong."
"Sirius?"
Sirius shook his head. "If it is too late, Remus... If it's too late to stop the process in him, what if we don't realize it until it's too late to help you?"
Harry nodded his head. "I could go mad, too, you know," he said, looking triumphant in the knowledge that he had hit upon Sirius' weak spot.
Remus slumped back onto the bed, then turned to Sirius. "Are you absolutely certain...?"
Sirius only shook his head.
Remus sighed. "What kind of a monster would I be if I --"
"I'm almost eighteen!" Harry said indignantly. "It's all perfectly legal."
"Am I supposed to ignore whose child you are?"
Harry said nothing -- it took too much effort to grit his teeth -- and they lapsed into silence.
Remus was being impossible! Was everything always about James Potter? When would people understand that Harry was his own person?
"We don't need to make a decision right now," Sirius said suddenly. "If you're feeling up to it, Remus, why don't we take you for a walk? You haven't been outside in weeks."
Harry perked up at the unexpected help. "Yes, lets do that. You are feeling better, aren't you, Remus?"
Remus nodded. "If you're sure it's safe."
"The students are in their classes," Sirius said, and then startled, looking at Harry. "Where you should be!"
Harry gave him a reproachful look. "You are the one who insisted I should go to the infirmary this morning. I haven't had time to think about schoolwork."
They spent the next hour walking in the Hogwarts gardens.
Remus, wrapped in a warm cloak, leaned on Sirius' arms for support, while Harry walked beside them, burning with jealousy. His attempt to take Remus' other hand had been met with such an expression of aversion that he didn't try again.
Sirius never let them out of his sight, refusing even to fetch sandwiches from the kitchens. Harry went, though he would have preferred to starve, and would have refused to go had it not been for Remus. Having lost his appetite, he threw the remainder of his sandwich to a pair of crows.
"Are you tired, Remus?" Sirius asked, catching Remus stifling a yawn.
"A bit," Remus admitted.
"We will head back, then."
Ignoring Harry entirely, the two started for the castle door.
Jamming his fists into his pockets, Harry followed. "I'm tired too, you know. Thanks to whatever you said to Ron, I stayed up most of the night."
"Nothing is stopping you from going up to the Tower and getting some sleep," Sirius said in a maddeningly cheerful tone.
Harry was sorry he said anything.
"I should change the sheets," Sirius said, frowning at the disordered bed. "Harry, if you want to be useful why don't you strip it down."
Remus watched them from a comfortable chair in front of the fireplace. "He really does look tired, Sirius. Maybe you should help him upstairs."
"What do you say, Harry?" Sirius asked, oblivious to Harry's indignant glares. "You could get a few hours of sleep before dinner."
"I can't sleep in the dorm, with people running in and out constantly. Classes will be ending soon, and you know what a ruckus it is in the common room in the afternoons."
"I can put up a nice silencing charm for you," Sirius offered.
Harry wanted to give him a shake, but kept his temper in check. "That won't keep Ron and Hermione away -- you know that."
Sirius mumbled something, but didn't press.
"Can I stay here?" Harry asked after a moment.
Remus looked shocked. "Absolutely not!"
"I've slept in the same bed with you twice now. How will one more time hurt?"
Remus looked to Sirius for help, but Sirius was fussing with a pillowcase and doing a shoddy job of pretending not to see.
"I'll keep my jumper on," Harry offered, starting to unbutton his robes.
"You'll keep your robes on!" Remus exclaimed, his eyes growing wide.
Harry sighed. "If that's what you want."
Somehow, they got into bed without further incident.
"Sirius, are you going to sit there and watch us?" Harry asked, annoyed, when Sirius settled into a chair.
Sirius gave him a grim smile. "Did you expect otherwise?"
Giving up, Harry tried to snuggle up to Remus, who kept moving farther away from him. He sighed deeply and retreated to his side of the bed, too tired to argue with Remus' obstinacy.
He woke up to the sound of the clock striking six. Pushing himself up on one elbow, he looked around the dimly lit room.
Sirius was nowhere in sight, but there was light streaming under the door, and when Harry listened close he could hear two voices murmuring in conversation.
He looked down at Remus, who was just then stirring. Acting on impulse, he leaned over and kissed him on the lips.
Remus' eyes flew open. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Kissing you," Harry said boldly. "Did you like it?"
Remus stared at him.
"Can I do it again?" Harry asked, already moving closer.
Remus started to shake his head, but Harry's hand on his cheek stopped him.
When they broke apart, it was several moments before Remus seemed to catch himself and realize what he had done. Harry smiled, well pleased with himself.
"Well," said an acidic voice from the opposite end of the room. "You're right, Black, everything is perfectly under control."
They turned and saw Sirius and Snape had entered the room without them noticing. Sirius was glaring at them.
"Sirius, I..." Remus began, looking mortified.
"Never mind, Lupin," Snape said patronizingly, "we are not blind, after all."
Remus dropped his gaze, spots of red appearing on his pale cheeks.
"Don't talk to Remus like that!" Harry exclaimed indignantly. "I kissed him, not the other way around!" Glaring at Sirius, he added, "What's he doing here?"
"Well..." Sirius began cautiously, while Snape's hand inched closer to the wand concealed in his waistband.
"Oh no," Harry said, realizing what they were up to. "Try it and I'll hex you." He whipped out his own wand to show he wasn't jesting.
Snape looked disgusted. "Forget it Black. I told you all I could this morning. If he won't cooperate --"
"I won't!"
"Fine. You can go," Sirius said, motioning Snape toward the door. "Sorry for wasting your time."
When the door had closed behind Snape, he turned back to Harry and Remus and sighed. "I'm sorry about that. I thought..." He sighed again. "How are you feeling this morning?"
"I was feeling just fine until you ruined it by dragging Snape in here," Harry grumbled.
Remus got up and stretched experimentally.
"Remus?" Sirius asked, stepping closer and peering into his friend's face. "Are you...?"
"I don't feel it," Remus said softly -- so softly that Harry almost missed it.
"You don't feel what?" he asked, sliding off the bed.
Neither one answered him, and Harry had to guess. "The wolf? You don't feel it anymore?"
Remus nodded his head affirmatively.
"But that's great!" Harry exclaimed, throwing his arms around Remus.
Remus shuddered and stepped out of Harry's embrace quickly, with a sideways look at Sirius.
"I brought you a change of clothes," Sirius said, handing a small parcel to Remus. "Harry, why don't you help me build the fire up, the room's growing chilly."
Harry went with him reluctantly, guessing Sirius was up to something; for good reason, because as soon as Remus had turned away Sirius' hand closed painfully around Harry's upper arm.
"We're going to have a little chat later, you and I," he hissed.
Harry wasn't easily intimidated, but felt it best not to provoke Sirius further just then. He said nothing.
"You must be hungry, Remus," Sirius said when the fire was blazing. All outward signs of anger had vanished. "You both missed dinner -- I didn't have the heart to wake you."
Remus nodded.
Sirius frowned, looking at the door and then at Harry. Harry didn't need Legilemency to know Sirius had no intention of leaving Harry and Remus alone while he fetched food.
After a moment Sirius cleared his throat. "The staff have tea and a light supper in the Great Hall most evenings. I'm sure no one will mind if we bring you along, Harry. That is, if you wouldn't rather return to Gryffindor Tower."
"Your friends must be worried about you," Remus added, looking hopeful.
Harry snorted. "I doubt it."
The Great Hall was empty except for the staff table, where McGonagall sat in Dumbledore's old seat, with Flitwick and Hooch on either side, and Snape sat alone at the end of the table, as far from the others as he could.
Harry was ignored, for the most part, but because he was hungry he didn't mind. He didn't notice McGonagall's intense looks until too late.
"Follow me to my office, Mr. Potter," she said when he had set aside his plate and was preparing to follow Sirius and Remus out of the Hall.
Harry didn't dare argue. He tried to catch Sirius' eyes as McGonagall swept him past the two men, but Sirius purposely ignored him.
He spent the next hour trying to explain why he had missed classes that day, and why his homework was unfinished, and why he hadn't shown up at mealtimes.
"All students must be present for means," McGonagall lectured. "We cannot bend the rules for you simply because your guardian is teaching at Hogwarts. It would be unfair to the other students."
Harry nodded, thinking it would be easier to agree with her than to argue his case. Either way, he could see things going sour fast.
"I expect you to be in your classes on Monday."
Harry nodded again.
"You may go."
Harry fairly flew out of her office, but it was all for nothing, because outside the door stood Ron and Hermione, ready to drag him back to the Gryffindor common room, where he was forced to spend the rest of the evening.
He considered escaping that night, but decided against it. Better to wait until morning, when Sirius might be in a better mood.
Finding it impossible to sleep -- he decided his afternoon nap was the cause -- he spent half the night catching up on the work he missed. Snape's essay alone took the better part of two hours. Even so, he managed only a few hours of sleep, and woke up long before anyone else. He sat up, shivering. He had the strangest sensation that his scar had hurt during the night, but there remained only the throbbing headache he was becoming so used to.
It was a Hogsmeade weekend, and he gave his friends the slip while the Gryffindors crowded in the common room, getting ready to go.
"Can I come in?" he called through the door to Remus' room, finding it locked.
After what seemed to him a very long time, Sirius opened it. "Harry. Why haven't you gone with your friends?"
Harry just looked at him, and after a moment Sirius sighed and stepped back, letting him pass.
Remus was already out of bed, and dressed. It was obvious to Harry that the two had been about to leave.
"Remus is feeling up for another meal downstairs," Sirius explained. More reluctantly, he added, "You are welcome to join us, if you haven't eaten yet."
Despite the lukewarm welcome, Harry had a good feeling about that morning. He followed Sirius and Remus down the staircase, with only a passing thought that it should be his arm Remus clung to for support.
The Great Hall seemed empty with most of the students and half the staff gone.
"Could I come to the staff table with you?" Harry pleaded, seeing how McGonagall was not there.
Sirius nodded, surprising Harry by his quick assent.
His good mood vanished as soon as he sat down. Forced between Sirius and Snape, he could hardly see Remus. Snape, on the other hand, he could see too well.
Not ten minutes into the meal, the expected argument flared.
"I see you haven't taken my advice, Black," Snape said when Harry upset his glass, watching Remus rather than what was in front of him. "How long before The Boy Who Lived can be shipped off to St. Mungo's Ward for the Mad and Confunded?"
"I'm not going mad," Harry said, refusing to let Snape get to him.
"The crazy never do think they are," Snape sneered, rising from the table and throwing down his crumpled napkin.
"Harry's not crazy," Sirius said indignantly.
"Black," Snape said with a shake of his head, "are you so determined to argue with me that you would disregard the obvious?"
Without waiting for anyone's reply, he headed for the door.
"Ignore him," Harry said, taking another biscuit from the platter. "When you're finished, can we go out? It looks like it's going to be a warm morning."
Remus pushed away his barely touched plate. "I can't eat with everyone staring at us."
"We can have a picnic," Harry said, looking to Sirius to see if he liked the idea.
"Sure," Sirius said, tearing his eyes away from where Snape had exited the Hall and smiling weakly. "We can have a picnic."
"Great! You can get the food. We'll go ahead and find a good spot."
Sirius' smile vanished.
"Why don't we just take something from here," Remus suggested quickly. "Look, this basket will be perfect."
Harry caught himself on the verge of pouting. Was Sirius always going to hover like this?
He pushed a jam jar toward the basket and forced himself to smile. "Great idea. Then we can all go together."
The gazebo in the corner of the gardens was decided upon as the perfect place, and with a heating charm it became as warm as in mid-summer.
Harry insisted on spreading a blanket on the floor, though there were benches and a small table. Having finished his own breakfast, he put his efforts into making sure Remus had what he wanted.
He became aware, gradually, of Sirius staring at them with a frown of confusion, as though unable to understand why Remus, who had only an hour earlier shrunk away from Harry's least touch, now was comfortable letting Harry feed him, his head lying across Harry's thigh.
Harry popped another grape into Remus' mouth and smiled sweetly at Sirius. The man had better get used to seeing them like this.
He sighed with pure contentment. Things really were progressing nicely.
Just then there came a series of yells and crashes from another part of the gardens, and Harry's smile turned into an annoyed grimace as both Remus and Sirius got up to look for the source of the disturbance.
"What are those idiots doing over there? Can you make them be quiet, Sirius?"
"I suppose I better," Sirius said, with a long look at Remus, who was leaning against a column, studying Harry as though having forgotten he was supposed to be looking for students causing a ruckus in the gardens. "Remus, do you think --"
There was another yell and an even louder crash, and Sirius, unable to shirk his duty as a teacher, reluctantly left in search of the errant students.
"Good, he's gone," Harry said, but not loud enough for Remus to hear. He turned to pick up a fallen apple. "Remus, come sit down. I'm sure Sirius will be back soon."
There was nothing but silence behind him.
"Remus?" Harry repeated when Remus didn't answer him. "Did you hear...?"
Turning to look at Remus, he found Remus studying him with glowing yellow eyes, no evidence of human comprehension on his face.
"Oh boy," Harry muttered, briefly considering yelling for Sirius, but deciding that it was he, not Sirius, who was in better position to deal with Remus in this state.
When Sirius returned, the sight that greeted him was that of Harry pinned underneath Remus, and Remus exploring Harry's face with his tongue. Harry, for his part, was perfectly calm about it, with one hand tracing a circle on Remus' back, and the other wrapped around Remus' neck.
They were apart before they knew it; Harry was shaking with indignation, while Remus retreated to a corner with a wounded expression.
"What's your problem, Sirius?" Harry demanded. "He wasn't hurting me!"
Sirius, speechless and not knowing which one of them to keep his eyes on, stuck his wand back in his pocket and slumped onto a bench.
"He's worse," he said finally, dropping his head into his hands and shutting his eyes.
"Did I hurt him?"
Remus' hoarse voice startled Sirius out of his stupor. "No, Remus, you didn't hurt him. Are you all right now?"
"Yes."
"No thanks to you," Harry added, starting toward Remus.
Remus put up his hand to stop him. "Keep back, Harry. Please."
Harry fell back, and scowled when Sirius helped Remus up and the two began to talk, too low for him to hear what was being said.
Finally Sirius sighed and looked up at Harry. "The wolf is reasserting itself. I had hoped it might not happen..."
"I knew it would," Remus said, not looking at either of them. "I could feel it from the moment I woke up today, prowling just beyond my conscious mind. Waiting."
"Why didn't you say something?" Sirius demanded, forcing Remus to look up at him.
"I didn't want to disappoint you."
Sirius shook his head. After a moment he turned back to Harry. "I had hoped we wouldn't need to decide so soon..."
"I'm ready," Harry said quickly.
"No," Remus said, but not so assertively as when the subject had come up previously.
Harry wasn't the only one that noticed. "Has something changed? The way you were with Harry earlier, even before I could see the wolf wrest control..."
Remus rubbed his eyes and refused to look at him. "It's the wolf. It must be. It couldn't be me, starting to think I could --"
To Harry's frustration, they dropped their voices again, leaving him out of the conversation.
After a few minutes, just when Harry thought he couldn't take another moment, Sirius stood up. "We'll help him back to his room, Harry, and then you and I will talk."
No one spoke as they returned to the castle, and when Remus was in bed Sirius turned to Harry and said, "Go and wait for me in my quarters."
Harry wanted to tell him he wasn't going anywhere, or leaving the two of them alone so they could talk about him, but Sirius had turned his back to him. Reluctantly, Harry left the room.
It seemed like ages before Sirius joined him. Harry had spent the time pacing restlessly, unable to interest himself in the magazines on the coffee table or the photo album he used to love to look through when he visited Sirius.
"Sirius, what took so --" Harry began, but Sirius waved him into silence.
"Convince me! Make me believe you're either completely sane or on your way to madness and death!"
Harry stared at him. "I think you're the one who's a bit mad. What are you talking about?"
It took a while for Sirius to calm himself, but he managed it at last. "What I mean is that if the bite did not affect you, and if being kept from Remus will do you no harm, then there remain only two possibilities. Either you are fully sane and your love for Remus is natural, or you have cracked."
Harry laughed mirthlessly. "Should I ask which one you think is the case?"
"You can't see how odd it must seem to me, to accept that you are in love with him, and that no external forces acted to create this attraction?"
Harry sighed. How many times would he have to repeat himself? "As far as I am aware, Sirius, I'm perfectly sane. I've felt this way for a long, long time. I don't know why you can't accept it, unless you're unable to let me grow up. I'm not a child anymore."
"Snape saw something in you. He is convinced you were affected by the bite."
"You believe him, when I'm telling you it isn't true?"
"If you wouldn't act like it's true, maybe I would dismiss everything he said."
Harry shook his head, giving up. "You won't let me convince you. I'm not even going to try anymore."
"What about Remus?" Sirius demanded, changing the subject suddenly. "He doesn't want this to happen. Should I just ignore that?"
"Some part of him wants this," Harry argued. "You saw him today. It wasn't the wolf. He just wasn't fighting his feelings, for once."
Sirius didn't reply. Falling into a kind of stupor, he stared into the fire.
"Come on, Sirius. Make up your mind. If we're going through with this, I want him to be in his human mind, at least. If you wait too long..."
"I can't."
Harry could barely contain his anger. He bit his lip, and tasted blood. "You can't?"
"I need more time. I'll speak with Remus again. I'll contact Dumbledore and see what he thinks..."
Harry, almost dizzy with rage, grabbed him before Sirius could make a move for the door. "Don't you dare involve Dumbledore! I've had enough of him telling me what to do! He has nothing to do with this!"
Sirius shook him off. "Go back to Gryffindor Tower."
Harry fell back, breathing raggedly and feeling his nails dig into his palms. Another moment and Sirius would be sorry he ever --
The door shut, and Sirius was gone.
After battling down his temper, Harry did as Sirius commanded and returned to the Tower.
At least there was no one there, other than a few first and second years, who scattered out of his way as he stalked through the common room.
The others weren't back until dinner, and Harry managed to pass the time somehow.
"Where were you, Harry?" Ron demanded as soon as Harry sat down at the Gryffindor table.
"With Sirius," Harry told him. "And Remus," he added, seeing Hermione about to open her mouth.
She scowled into her pumpkin juice, but said nothing.
Harry filled his plate and tried to pay attention to Ron's lengthy description of the day. He couldn't care less, but he didn't want to argue with his friends anymore. If they preferred not to hear about what was really important in Harry's life, then he wouldn't tell them anything.
It was an uncomfortable night. He woke up twice, and each time was inexplicably angry at the clock, which seemed to be inching along purposely to annoy him.
He gave Sirius plenty of opportunities to find him the next morning, thinking he would let him make the first move.
Sirius, however, did not appear at breakfast.
"Coming to Quidditch practice, Harry?" Ron asked wearily, seeing Harry crane his neck, looking for any sign of his godfather.
"Sure," Harry said, sighing.
It became obvious to him that his friends were once again hoping to detail him, when Hermione badgered him into joining a study group. He accepted, having not seen Sirius at lunch and remembering his promise to McGonagall. He still had not opened his books, and if he was to spend any time with Remus that night, it made sense to get his homework out of the way.
He was just about the enter the library when he saw him.
"You go ahead," he said, seeing that Ron and Hermione had seen him, too. "I'll be right there, I promise."
Without waiting for their answer, he ran after Sirius.
It took him a while to catch up, because Sirius wouldn't stop or slow down to wait for him.
"What's the matter with you?" Harry demanded. "Are you just going to ignore me?"
Sirius turned to face him. He looked like he hadn't slept at all since the last time Harry had seen him, and Harry's heart flip-flopped.
"Remus isn't worse, is he?"
Sirius hesitated, then nodded.
"Damn it. Sirius..."
Wordlessly, Sirius held out his hand. Uncurling his fingers, he revealed a key.
Harry reached out and took it, not believing it was real until it lay, solid and cool, in the palm of his own hand. "You mean it?"
Sirius nodded.
Harry, unnerved by his silence, looked down the hall toward the staircase, but didn't move.
"I would prefer it if you didn't go to see him just yet," Sirius said.
"Why?"
"He's resting. Pomfrey gave him a deep sleep draught."
Harry wasn't sure whether to believe him; he thought it more likely that Sirius could not stand by and do nothing while Harry went to Remus, despite having all but given him permission to do so anytime he pleased.
"All right. I was going to study, anyway."
"Good," Sirius said, looking relieved. "I'm glad you aren't taking your studies lightly. The N.E.W.T.s are around the corner, you know."
Harry nodded. "Yeah. So everyone keeps reminding me."
He turned to go, and when he looked over his shoulder, Sirius was already gone.
He pocketed the key carefully, and went back to the library.
It was painfully dull. His mind couldn't be expected to concentrate on goblin revolts and transfiguring sand into gold, when the key in his pocket grew heavier and seemed almost to burn his skin straight through his robes and trousers.
Hermione lingered long after nearly everyone else had left, saying she would help him finish. But Harry knew her real reason, and felt his frustration building as she found fault in almost everything he did, thinking it would keep him working at it longer.
"I'm done," he said finally. "I'm starting to get a headache from all this reading."
In truth, he still had an essay to do, but what Hermione didn't know wouldn't hurt either of them. Besides, not all of it was a lie; his head really was hurting. He would have to remind himself never to let such a pile of work build up again.
She looked him over, frowning, but didn't argue, instead picking up a few books they had taken off the shelves. "I'll put these away. You can take the ones from the Defense section."
Harry picked up the books, then, making sure Hermione had her back turned, slipped another one out of his bag. There wouldn't be a better time than now to get rid of it.
Locating the right section, Harry reached up to put the book on the topmost shelf.
"Harry!"
Startled, Harry dropped the book. "Hermione. What is it?"
She crossed the room and had the book in her hand before he could move. "Where did you get this?"
"Right here, just now."
"Liar. You took it from my bag, didn't you? I missed it days ago."
Harry folded his arms over his chest. "I didn't. I was looking for something that would explain this whole madness nonsense -- do you know Sirius still thinks I've got it? -- and this book was on the shelf --" He paused for effect -- "where all the books on werewolves should be, but don't seem to be."
She studied him with narrowed eyes for a long time. "If you managed to fake the symptoms, Harry..."
"Did I manage to fool Snape, too? He's the one who convinced Sirius."
"I don't know how you did it," Hermione said, pursing her lips, "but I know you did it, and I'm going to tell Sirius!"
"Go ahead," Harry said calmly. "It won't change a thing now."
"He can still stop you!"
"And watch Remus die?" Harry shook his head. "I don't think so. The only reason Sirius ever kept me from him is because he was afraid it wouldn't help Remus, and that after Remus died I would soon follow. Now that he knows both of us will be just fine as long as we're together, you won't see him trying to meddle... Hey, Hermione, what's the matter with you?"
Hermione wiped her eyes roughly with her fist and turned away from him. "Nothing!"
"I love Remus, Hermione. Why is that hard to understand?"
She turned on him, her eyes blazing. "Love! What do you know about love? He's twice your age! He was your father's friend, for God's sake!"
Harry gritted his teeth, reigning in his anger. "And he's mine, too. Only now he's more. If you have a problem with that..."
She drew a long, shuddering breath. "No. I don't have a problem with that. Go. Be with him. I don't care." She turned and ran from the room, throwing her last words over her shoulder, "Ruin your life!"
Harry bent down to pick up the book -- she had dropped it on her way out -- and shoved it carelessly onto the shelf.
"Are you all right, Harry?"
Harry looked up. "Yeah. What's with her?"
Neville shrugged. "I guess she thinks it's awkward -- you and Professor Lupin."
"Do you think it is?"
Neville looked down at his book, frowning. "No. I suppose if it makes you happy..."
"It does."
Neville shrugged again.
Harry sat down at the next table. "I'm sorry I got you into trouble with Snape. Can I make it up to you?"
"I agreed to do it, remember?" Neville said. "My detentions are almost over, anyway. It's not any worse than anything he's done before."
They grew silent, Neville returning to his reading, and Harry deciding to finish his essay after all.
After a half hour, Harry scowled at the parchment. He had written less than a full paragraph. His head throbbed dully, and the text was starting to swim in front of his eyes.
"Are you all right, Harry? You don't look well."
Harry turned his scowl on Neville. "I'm fine! It's just a headache!"
"You don't have to yell," Neville said, looking sorry he said anything. He turned his back on Harry, taking up his book again.
"Hey, Neville? I'm sorry," Harry said with a sigh. "I don't know what got into me."
"Hmm," Neville muttered. "Maybe you better have the nurse take a look at you."
"It's just a headache," Harry said peevishly. "Can't I get a headache without everyone assuming I'm losing my mind or something?"
"I didn't say that," Neville said, giving him a sidelong glance. "I just thought the nurse would have something for your headache."
"I can't go in there," Harry snapped, stuffing his book, quill, and parchment into his bag. "They all think there's something wrong with me. The fussing will never end."
Neville made no comment.
Harry finished packing and stood up. "I guess Remus won't mind if work on this essay in his room."
"Hmm," Neville said, not looking up.
Harry sniffed irritably. Why did he bother talking to anyone anymore?
Slinging his bookbag over his shoulder, he set off at a hurried pace, the key clutched in his hand and noticing nothing as he passed his classmates in the halls.
His hand trembled as he fit the key in the lock. It wouldn't open for the longest time, until he was ready to drop the key and begin clawing at the wood.
Finally it clicked, and he pushed the door open, went inside... shut it... didn't bother with the lights...
"Harry..."
Harry smiled at the sight of Remus rising from the bed to greet him. "You can stay there, Remus."
Remus settled down against the headboard. His eyes never left Harry, who went first to the fireplace and built up the dying fire, then approached the bed, shedding his cloak and kicking off his boots before settling down at Remus' side.
"Sirius hasn't been taking very good care of you."
Remus frowned, but Harry put a finger against his lips. "Shhh. We won't tell him I said that."
Remus' hands settled on Harry waist, pulling him closer. "Harry..."
"Right here," Harry murmured.
Remus sighed heavily, but one hand strayed to touch Harry's hair and face.
"You," Harry whispered, leaning down until his lips were almost touching Remus', "are everything I want."
Glowing eyes gave no sign of understanding, but Harry had shut his own, and was aware only of Remus breathing coming warmer and faster against his face. A moment later Remus closed the distance between them.
Afterword
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