CHAPTER 76:
Within time
Jay stared enraptured at the charm in his hand. The bonfire nearby making the golden cage glow mysteriously in the night. Jay's finger moved, following the shape of the stars and he imagined the guys' faces inside of each one. Warmth pooled in his stomach, he wanted to see them again and check if his memory was as accurate as reality after all these weeks.
What are you going to say when you get there?
That was a good question to which he had yet to find the right answer.
'Hey, it's me, your low-key homophobic friend that has just discovered he's quite gay actually and has been pining for you all since he left this palace. Hopefully, you won't hate me too much and… Oh, can I have a dish of samosas, please? I just crossed the whole country and I'm starved!'
Jay cringed at himself. Considering the nonsense that used to come out of his mouth whenever he was nervous… he foresaw something like that to happen. Although, some parts of the speech weren't that bad of an idea. He definitely wanted to apologize to the royal family, but especially to Kai before anyone else. And only if they forgave him would Jay come out to them, he didn't want this discovery about himself to meddle with the others' judgment.
No, not 'if' they forgave him but 'when'.
Remember what mom said; no wound lasts forever.
He had to keep his hopes up, or he would never make it to Ninjago city.
Mr. Tori threw another branch into the fire and he locked eyes with Jay for a brief moment. Jay smiled back at him then went back to studying the little object and yearn for his 'second family'.
"Who is it?" The man asked out of the blue. Jay's eyebrows rose with confusion. "The person who has stolen your heart," he clarified.
Jay flinched. Ed and Edna had told their neighbor that Jay had business to do at the capital. He never imagined the man would actually see through the lie before they had to part ways.
"I can tell you're not looking to make business, you're too young and inexperienced to be a big merchant. So there's only another reason why anyone would want to make such a long trip; love."
Sapphire eyes fell onto the harmony ball for a moment. Yeah, it was probably obvious given how stupid he surely looked every time he stared at the little accessory.
"I… I rather not say," Jay replied, not denying the truth but uncertain to share much more with his companion.
"Well," the man got comfortable on the rock he was using as a seat and looked at Jay curled up against the tree. "You could tell me what you like about them. I mean, they must be a keeper if you don't mind traveling so far and pretty much all by yourself. I'm curious."
Jay considered it for a while. He supposed he could share a little bit of information, Mr. Tori had been nothing but a great friend so far.
"They are," Jay finally admitted. The other man waited patiently for him to elaborate on his answer. Jay took a deep breath and thought deeply. "They are… very sweet."
"Sweet? Come on, boy, that's for cakes!" He cackled.
Jay shrugged with embarrassment —guess he wasn't going to get away by letting out random and overused excuses.
"They are… very funny, a bit crazy too." He giggled to himself, remembering that one time when Kai and Cole were wrestling on the floor and the monarch bit his husband on the ass. "They're a bit short-tempered and get vocal easily, but… they forget about it soon."
Mr. Tori paid attention to Jay's speech.
"Pretty?" The man pressed.
"Uh? Oh, yeah, they're very pretty too!" Jay felt his cheeks warming up, and not by the fire that was keeping them from freezing in the cold night. "They've got this… beautiful hair, so soft and a sweet shade of brown, like chocolate." His lips trembled as little by little Jay's mind conjured the monarch's face before him, making him feel all tingly. "Their profile... it's like a sculpture, so perfect… And his eyes! They're so tender, so full of life, especially when he puts on some make-up. They're like the eyes of a cat, mischievous and-" Jay stopped himself as he felt Mr. Tori's gaze on him.
Ugh, his rambling was surely annoying the man.
"Uh, sorry, I got a bit overexcited."
His companion didn't say anything, he just stared at Jay, face somewhat more serious than before.
"W-What?" Jay asked.
"You said 'he'."
Shivers rose all over Jay's body, his hair standing on air awkwardly under the clothes. A cold sweat rushed down his nape in a matter of seconds. He hadn't noticed he'd slipped at the choice of pronouns while being so deep into the remembrance of his crush! Of all the stupid mistakes he could do during this trip, he had fallen for the tiniest yet worst of all.
"Uh… He? Oh, no, no! I meant- I meant she! My… my tongue, uh… It got twisted and…" He tried to fix the mess, knowing very well that there was a high chance the other party wouldn't believe him.
Oh, shoot! His bag was on the cart! If he rushed to get it and then tried to run away, the other man would probably catch him. But if he didn't take his belongings he'd be done for, with no guides in these lands and no food or money he stood no chances against the elements and dangers that lurked around! Jay would-!
"It's okay, kid," Mr. Tori said, waving a hand at Jay, signaling to the boy to calm down.
Jay swallowed, remaining alert just in case he had to make a run for his life.
"I kinda overheard you the other day when you were talking with your dad," the man confessed, but instead of reaching for his knife or a branch to hit at Jay, he didn't move from his spot.
"You're… you're fine with it?" Jay asked, fearful, and cautious.
Mr. Tori nodded, his gaze lowering to the fire before them.
Jay was confused. The man didn't look enraged, not even disgusted, but… there was something in the way he stared at the flames, an emotion that troubled him in some way.
"Many, many years ago… I… I fell in love too." The man rubbed a hand over his mouth. "Just like you."
Jay's eyes widened. "You mean…?" Mr. Tori nodded again. "But… But you're married to a woman. And you have kids!" Jay exclaimed.
The other shrugged. "There was never another option for me," he responded quietly.
Jay recognized it then, what was hiding behind the man's eyes; pain. The same type of pain he'd seen in Kai's eyes as they said goodbye.
"We were very young, barely teenagers, a pair of daydreamers. We loved spending every moment we could together, playing, laughing, cuddling, sometimes even fantasizing about the future… although we both knew there was no future for us."
The fire cracked before them. Mr. Tori seemed oddly comfortable sharing something so intimate with Jay. Maybe he felt the fire was eating his words as they came out, burning them and leaving no traces of a 'sinful' past.
"W-What happened?"
The man sighed, the melancholy that shadowed his features was enough of a hint that his childhood love story didn't have a good ending.
"Rumors started circulating. Before I knew it, he was being beaten up by some older kids, and I… I had to pretend he'd been forcing himself on me... to save my own life. He was kicked out of town, we never saw each other again…"
Jay felt wetness around his eyes. The cruelty of the world they lived in still astonished him and shattered his heart. Why was it that some people felt the need to punish love? Even when Jay was blinded by those same wrongful ideals, he would have never gone that far.
"I'm… I'm sorry," Jay murmured, saddened that he'd made his companion remember something so terrible. Mr. Tori weakly waved at him to not worry.
They fell silent for a long moment, the low sound of the fire and bugs in the distance mixing in a sad melody as if the elements of the woods could feel the sorrow inside the men's hearts.
"I'm not proud of what I did, I should have stayed there with him but I… I was so scared they would kill me," the older finally said.
"You were only a child."
Mr. Tori didn't reply, obviously struck by the painful memories and guilt that floated around him. Jay was well acquainted with that look, remorse still inhabited in his own chest.
"I love my wife and my family to pieces," the man said. "But… many nights... I fall asleep wondering if he's still there somewhere, alive. My last memories of him are the dirty back of his shirt and the bruises around his body."
Jay rubbed a hand on his nose as he sniffed, fighting back the tears. The horrible scars on Cole's back manifested in the back of his mind.
"I wish I could see him just one more time," Mr. Tori went on, his voice shaky as his throat knotted with evident throbbing. "To apologize... And to tell him that I still carry him in my heart after decades." The sniff he let out after the last word made Jay look up at the man. Weak streams glistening down his cheeks as Tori tried to wipe them on the sly.
Moved by the intensity of the man's feelings for his lost love, Jay crawled towards him. His own tears were heavy as they rushed down his face, it definitely wasn't the best sight to cheer someone up, but he couldn't let his fellow companion drown in his misery —a misery that had its root on the 'real monsters' that lived in this world.
Jay put a hand on Mr. Tori's arm and the man gazed back at him.
"I'm sure he knows it already." As he choked on a cry, Jay tried to steel his voice one more time. "If you loved each other that much… I'm sure he knows you didn't want to hurt him and that… he forgave you a long time ago."
Lakes of sparkling tears gathered at the corners of Mr. Tori's eyes, bouncing with the subtle tremors that were running through his body. The older man looked up into the dark sky and sniffed audibly, doing a better job than Jay at concealing his sorrow, but that was expected, he must have been doing that almost his whole life.
"I hope so." Was what he said in return.
Jay furiously tried to clean his face with the sleeves of the kurta, not wanting to be a trigger anymore for the man that sat next to him.
"Son." Jay looked up again. "I hope you don't mind me calling you that."
The boy shook his head, through the little time they had spent together these past days, Jay and the driver had become very good friends.
Mr. Tori dropped a hand on Jay's shoulders, his fingers squeezing gently just a second later.
"I know it's hypocritical of me to ask you this but… fight for your love. You don't want to be a coward like me and spend the rest of your life with this weight over your shoulders. I know it's hard, but when we stop fighting for the things that make us happy… is when life starts losing its meaning."
Jay stared, mouth hanging open in a small 'o' as bewilderment grabbed at him.
"This world is full of assholes, but there are nice people in it too, and I hope that one day, the latter will be the majority, especially now that we have an openly gay sovereign."
Jay's whole body came alive at the mention of the Maharaja, his heart went on a race, trotting hard against his wall chest.
"I hope… he'll be the light to guide us through this nightmare, to teach people to overcome their unjustified hatred," Mr. Tori prayed low.
Jay nodded in agreement. Kai had been ruling these lands for five years now, and while Jay had barely seen other cities, he thought the situation would have been a lot worse hadn't Kai ascended to the throne. It was true that the servants and people who worked for the boy had to take an oath to never snub the young king if they would rather keep their jobs, but… during the time Jay lived there, he'd never had the feeling that any of the workers held a grudge against Kai. Never did Jay hear a bad word or a veiled insult inside those walls. Kai had managed to surround himself with people that didn't care who the guy wanted to sleep with and who did their best to help the boss in any way they could. They weren't a delusion. Like Mr. Tori had said, nice people existed already. Within time, society could be educated.
Within time they would see the truth with their own eyes.
So much thinking about Kai was making Jay soft, he had to stop himself from spilling any more tears before his lacrimals went dry and his eyes started to itch real bad from lack of irrigation.
Mr. Tori patted his back again. "You should lie down and rest."
"What about you?" Jay asked.
"I already told you, I'm used to sleeping very little on these trips."
"Yeah, but you have a companion now, you should take advantage of that. I really don't mind taking the first guard."
"You'll be sleepy in the morning," the other refused once more, but Jay insisted.
"I can nap while on the way."
Mr. Tori snorted. "And who's going to keep me entertained with his chatter then?"
As much as Jay tried it, the man's resolution wouldn't budge. In the end, Mr. Tori managed to send Jay to bed like a kid. The boy really wanted to help and do something more for the kind driver, but he figured it was best to listen to his advice. He returned to the tree where an old rag had been extended earlier to shield his rear from the cold ground. Jay sat down and pulled a blanket over himself, grinning at the other man before he lay down and curled into a ball under the rough fabric.
Lloyd's charm rolled on the ground in front of his eyes, Jay took it between two fingers and shook it gently. Soft twinkles reached his ears and, for a moment, he was back at the palace, laughing his ass off as he and the short blond tackled Cole to the ground during training.
Soon, very soon, it would be no longer just a memory.
