A/N: It is time to finish this. Here we go.
Dear Diary,
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
I haven't stopped grinning and spontaneously laughing in the last five days, and it's started to freak my new secretary out.
New secretary because the last one quit after Inoichi decided that the appropriate way to hand in a mission report was to do it via interpretive dance, and Chouza hadn't seen any reason to stop him. This may have been because he was bleeding out of a wound in his side that he hadn't noticed and so was delirious, but it also might just have been because it was a Tuesday.
This is my fifty seventh secretary.
I have been in office for just over a year.
Anyway, Kushina'd been feeling a bit ill lately but she'd chalked it up to bad shrimp, and then when Miko-chan confessed she was having a baby ("who's probably gonna look like Fuguface the poor thing." "That's rude, Kushina. Itachi-chan turned out all right." "I'm having a moment of silence, Miko-chan, shh.") she claimed it was sympathy morning sickness, and then she blamed the fact that she was bored and her body had decided to rebel because she wasn't "made for the housewife life dattebane!" which is the dumbest thing I've ever heard considering she's been going on enough back-to-back missions that I'm half-worried I'm going to go squinty-eyed reading her chicken scratch reports through the night.
She finally caved five days ago and decided to go see a doctor because "your mother-henning is worse than a backhanded lizard-duck hybrid having a seizure in a fountain!"
I don't know what that means, but I'll wisely refrain from asking for an explanation.
She called me home for the test results. She sent some random kid she hollered to in the street to go to the Hokage's office and "tell him to get his butt home or I'll put his intestines through a meat-grinder", and this poor academy student wet himself as he was stared down by my fifty sixth receptionist, but valiantly relied her message through stuttering and pleas of mercy.
Kushina really needs to stop traumatising people. The number of therapy sessions I've had to sign off on is best not to think about.
Anyway, she wasn't even home by the time I got there, so I thought I'd bake a cake, since I was already there and if it was bad news, I wanted something sweet on-hand so I could cry into the bowl and Kushina could call me a pansy, which would have made life more bearable.
Yes, I'm aware insults aren't supposed to be comforting.
Yes, Shikaku might have a point when he says this is classical conditioning at its finest (although it is a bit of a hypocritical point coming from him).
Yes, I'm sure I should get a psych eval done as soon as possible.
Yes, yes I will ignore all of that and just carry on as I am.
She walked into the door and she was really nervous, which automatically made me think up worst case scenarios. There was mooing echoing in my brain.
I was wearing a pink apron, and she wasn't even laughing at me.
And then she just blurted out without even a preamble or anything, and—
I don't know why Shikaku was complaining so much, I really don't.
I'm going to be a DAD!
I'm going to be a father with the woman I love being the mother, and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me!
Oh, I can't wait!
Inoichi says it all goes downhill from here, and Miko-chan has been gently easing me into the realities of a Kushina fuelled by pregnancy hormones, but I'm sure I'll be able to cope.
I mean, I'm Hokage and married to Uzumaki Kushina and I trained Kakashi the Recalcitrant and I survived Jiraiya-sensei's version of training for four years.
How hard can this be?
Namikaze Minato
