Chapter 56 – Stuck in a Moment
Prime POV
As I lay in my berth after bidding OC good night, despite the fact the sun would be rising in about an hour, I could not switch my processor off and let recharge find me. I stared at the ceiling of my quarters as I recalled the events of the evening.
Since waking up from my sedation so Rachet could repair me, the first thing that flashed into my mind was OC. My dermas twisted slightly in a rueful smile as I realised, she was fast becoming the first and last thought on my processor each day. I recalled the relief I felt as my optics came to rest on her figure, and she spoke to me. I was also vaguely aware of how surprised I was that she indeed stayed by my side as she said she would. /Why should you have been surprised? OC has proven how loyal she is not only to me but to my fellow Autobots. There should never have been any doubt she would have honoured her promise/.
It was in that same moment that she confirmed my thoughts telling me she was ''inclined to keep her promises'' that I could not stop the rush of overwhelming guilt and self-recrimination as I painfully realised, I had not kept my promise to her! I had told her back before she left to see Sam and the others that I would never leave her, that I would always be there for her. Not a week after that I was killed by Megatron. Once again, a torrent of guilt and shame washed over me, but this time I let it go. I did not hold it close to me as I normally would do.
I had to admit, earlier tonight OC had made logical arguments as to why I should not blame myself for what happened. I began to gradually release the feeling of guilt. It felt good to not try to shoulder more blame and responsibility when it was not necessary.
All at once a wave of warmth coursed through me. /Not as good as the feeling of her dermas on my cheek!/. When OC had caught me off guard and brushed her dermas against my cheek in a soft kiss, I froze as fire raced through my circuits and the place where her dermas had touched me felt light and hypersensitive. /Why did she do that?/. My processor was still reeling. That feeling of warmth continued to surround me and consume me as my thoughts recalled ''that moment''.
I reflexively reached out to grab OC as I felt myself waver when I tried to stand up; she did the same. We were both at optic level in this position, mere metres separating us, holding each other by the arms. I had stared at her intently as I felt feelings, I had tried to push down for some time now, bubble and rush to the surface, no longer willing to be contained.
I spoke softly and purposefully to her, trying to allow how some of the feelings I had towards her seep into my words, /Yet again you break my fall, yet again you save me from myself/. I had moved my large right servo to cup her beautiful cheek, my digit brushing against it softly, desperate to touch her. /SO beautiful, so precious/. I felt my servo begin to pull her helm towards me, slowly, deliberately. OC's optics were closed as if she were afraid to open them. /Does she not want me to touch her like this?/. I hesitated slightly, but I could not bring myself to stop. I needed this contact with her, needed to release some of my emotions lest I explode.
Reverently, quietly I had whispered to her, /My OC, my light/ as I brought our helms together in a display of the deep affection and trust I felt towards her. Though my spark twinged slightly as I recalled doing this with Elita millions of years ago, I could not bring myself to refrain from doing it. Against all odds, against all reason, against everything – OC was now as precious to me as Elita had once been.
As our helm's had touched and I felt electricity flow between us and my spark chamber come alive again, Rachet's words floated through my processor, /Elita is not coming back Prime. She would want you to be happy/. As I opened my optics and stared into two brown and gold flecked pools, I was both at once unnerved and hypnotised. I had not been this close to another femme in millions of years, and I had never been this close to OC before. Not like this! It had been – mesmerising!
I allowed a deep ''sigh'' to escape my dermas as I lay on my berth replaying the moment in my processor. It had almost been perfect. In her optics I saw the same emotions warring, the same questions being sought, the same search for answers. Perhaps we had been like that for a minute, perhaps a lifetime, time didn't matter. It felt as though we stood on the brink of a precipice, and we were both about to step off into the unknown where we would either both soar, or - plummet to our doom. Neither of us spoke.
I recalled the moment my dermas began to move of their own volition, /OC, I…/ the anticipation that had been building up within my spark as I replayed this precious moment, shattered once again as Rachet's ''timely'' interruption, /AHEM!/, echoed once again through my processor.
I growled out loud to the early morning shadows as they crept across my walls and moved my arms under my helm as a kind of pillow, like I had seen OC do on numerous occasions while star gazing.
I felt my systems race and heat like they had done in that moment, as I recalled the feeling of her face against my servo, her dermas against my cheek and our helms pressed together. /So, close. I had come so close to admitting to OC I felt more than friendship for her/.
I returned my gaze to the ceiling as though I would somehow find the answers to my many questions simply staring right back at me. I cast my processor back into that moment, recalling the none too subtle warning Rachet had given about rushing into things too quickly. Though he had no doubt spoken the words to OC to refer to my healing process, there was no doubt in my processor that he was cautioning me to take my time with OC and not act on my feelings just yet, until we had both adapted to the new changes we both faced.
I heard myself snort out loud as I spoke to the emptiness around me, ''Millions of years alone, I finally find another spark I want to connect with and now, after I finally pluck up the courage to act on my feelings, he cautions me to slow down!'' I felt another low growl of frustration build from deep within my chassis and exit my dermas. /He was the one who told me to talk to OC about how I felt. He was the one who encouraged the flicker of hope inside me telling me that OC's spark might just yearn for me as much as mine yearned for her!/.
As I lay there feeling the frustration and torment begin to build in me, the vision of OC flinching back from my touch as we stood outside Autobot quarters, broke into my thoughts and quelled the annoyance from building any further. Instead, I felt guilt and a small amount of relief wash through my systems as I recalled what had brought on the change.
At the thought of his name, I closed my optics. /HOW COULD YOU HAVE BEEN SO STUPID!/ I mentally screamed at myself. /Just like you, OC feels guilty, guilty about Chase/. The memories are far too fresh and raw for her and you stupidly opened those wounds tonight – /albeit unknowingly/.
All at once the vision of her face, twisted in pain as she told me how Chase has said she was worth waiting for came unbidden into my processor. I laid a servo over my chest as I felt my spark pulse painfully. /OH BUT YOU ARE OC, YOU ARE!/.
I felt myself clenching and unclenching my servos once again as I lay there. I had wanted to reach out to her and bring her into a crushing embrace but all I could do was stand there. My optics began to flicker as I recalled OC call out to me as she walked back towards the Med Bay, just a short joor or two ago. ''I missed you and I am so glad you are back here with us – with me''. She had raised her servo up to tap the place above her spark twice in the private gesture we had come to share as a sign of our place in each other's sparks.
I remember how I felt my spark flood with happiness, joy and a deep yearning at her words and gesture. For a single indecisive moment, I wanted to blurt out what she meant to me, what she had come to mean to me. I wanted to walk up to her and gather her in my arms and never let her go again. But instead, I simply nodded my helm at her and turned to walk inside.
As I felt my optics begin to flicker closed and my systems powered down as recharge began to claim me, I knew now was not the time for such declarations. OC was still healing and grieving from Chase's loss, that much was abundantly clear after her reaction earlier. While I had had millions of years to try and come to terms with Elita's parting, OC had barely had three months. And while she may not have the luxury of such a time frame to process and deal with her emotions over her loss, I certainly would not rush her; not now, not ever. She was too precious to me.
As I rushed towards darkness and I saw her sweet face smiling at me, I was content to leave things as they were between us. We were friends, very dear, very good friends but nothing more for now. In time, perhaps - perhaps we might be something more. But for now, I stepped away from the edge of the precipice we had so nearly jumped from and walked back down the mountain side to safer heights, waiting for a chance to come along where I could leap into the unknown with her and hopefully soar away together.
