Pehea wau i ʻike ai i kou makuahine
Based on the characters and stories of Hawaii Five-0.
Hawaii Five-0 is owned by CBS and their respective creators.
"Hey, boss. You, uh, you comin' to Rumfire tonight?" Kono poked her head into Steve's office. The team had been worried about him. Steve had been pouring himself into the job more than usual. There's a building that needed to be breached? Steve was first through the door. Someone needed a weekend off? He volunteered to be on call. The last straw was when they strategized tackling the mountain of paperwork after back-to-back calls. Steve sent everyone home and did it all himself.
When Danny called Grover, Chin, and Kono into his office to discuss who would be the one to tell the big kahuna that he was working too much, Kono drew the short straw. Everyone knew what was going on with him. Catherine was still in Afghanistan and when the two of them weren't pining after each other, they were fighting. Steve was in a perpetual bad mood. He had offered up little to no explanation as to why Catherine stayed and they didn't know whether that was because he didn't like the answer or because he didn't know.
Steve kept signing report after report, not bothering to even look up. "Maybe next time."
"Boss." Kono closed the door behind her and rested her hands on his desk. "You're working yourself to death. Come out, have some drinks, blow off a little steam."
The pen in his hand stilled as he peered out of the corner of his eye and caught Danny, Lou, and Chin watching from the surface table. Steve snapped his wrist and sent the pen flying towards the office window, an obvious signal that he wasn't pleased with the ambush. As it hit the window and clattered to the ground, he huffed and looked up at her. "They sent you in here?"
"More or less."
"I'm fine, Kono."
"Are you?" She sat down in the chair across from him, "Because what I see is someone who's hanging on by a thread."
Steve threw his hands up, "What do you want me to say? That I'm okay with her choosing to be over there? I'm not. I wasn't okay with it when we were in the service and she was over there on deployment with thousands of other officers, I'm sure as hell not okay with it when she's there by herself. And she's CHOOSING to be there and not here."
Kono leaned back in the chair and let out a slow breath, "Have you guys…"
"Broken up?"
"I was trying to find a more delicate way to put it, but yes."
He shook his head, "I, um, I'm trying to stick it out but she's…. She's shutting me out. I don't know if she wants this as much as I do."
Kono ran her hand back through her hair. "Damn. Have you asked her straight up where her head's at?"
Steve stared at the photo of Catherine on his desk. "No." He groaned, "Every time we talk and it comes up we just go at each other's throats and never get anywhere."
"Come to Rumfire." Kono stood up and walked to the door. Lingering just a second longer, she added, "Get out of the office and have a couple drinks. If the peanut gallery brings it up, I'll make a chore wheel and have them cleaning rendition for a month."
He looked over at the rest of the team who were trying their best to lip read and groaned as he grabbed his keys, "Fine. But I'm not buying."
"Home, sweet home." Jude grinned as he hauled their op gear into the safe house. Catherine had said goodbye to her students that morning as Jude cleared the shack of any evidence that they had ever been there. The two hour drive back to Kabul had been silent. Well, on Catherine's part at least. Jude had nearly talked her ear off about everything from sports to why TV legal dramas are far from accurate. The tiny pickup truck offered no escape. Truth be told, she was a little sad to leave Qala-i-Mirza. The daily routine of teaching had given her a distraction from her current predicament with Steve and the CIA. Now, she had to face it head on.
"Beckett!" A chorus of voices chimed in and welcomed Jude back to the safe house. Catherine dipped out of the crowd, tossed her bags in her room, and shut the door. She wasn't sure whose voice carried through the walls, but the next thing she heard was, "So, did you thaw the Ice Queen?"
Catherine didn't like to snoop, but she was curious. Pressing her ear against the door, she heard Jude's thunderous chuckle followed by, "C'mon. Give her a break. Besides, you know I don't mix business and pleasure."
"She seems like a bitch." Another voice chimed in.
"You think she wants to be here? It wasn't exactly her choice."
"She's hot."
"She's seeing someone. Hands to yourself, Decker."
"Seriously, man. How was it? Two months in the shack in QIM with her…." The voices faded as they moved away from the front door. Catherine wondered what Jude's answer would have been. She wondered what her own answer would have been.
Catherine crossed the room and laid down on the bed. She pulled out her journal and began thumbing through the pages. Had she liked more than just teaching? She had been invited into homes. The locals had welcomed her into the community. She brought a baby into the world. She helped rebuild a house that had been damaged in an airstrike earlier that year. Catherine closed her eyes and played through the memories in her head. She had loved it. Apart from the night they had lost power in the tunnels and had to actually sleep in the shack, she really did love it. The challenge to gather intel and transform it into successful missions always thrilled her. Being with the CIA put her in the middle of the action, not just thousands of miles away in an aircraft carrier wondering what happened.
Then there was Steve. Sure, she signed that contract under duress, but what if Jude was right? What if this is what she was meant to be doing? It wasn't fair to keep him on the line for six years, especially when he couldn't know what she was doing. With shaky hands, she dug through her bag, pulled out her satellite phone, and dialed the phone number that she knew she would never forget.
"Catherine." His words were groggy. Steve cleared his throat, "Hey, uh, hey. You alright?"
"Can we talk?" The weakness in her voice matched her frail spirit. Catherine buried herself under the covers as she pressed the receiver to her ear.
She heard the rustle of sheets and covers as he rolled over and planted his feet on the floor, "You okay? You're scaring me, Cath."
"I'm okay." Tears filled her eyes as she thought through the speech she had mentally rehearsed on the drive from Qala-i-Mirza. "Steve, I… God, why is this so hard." She chewed on her nail.
The floorboards in his bedroom creaked as he began to pace a trench in the space between the bed and wall. "Catherine, what are you saying?"
She chewed on her lip as her feeble voice turned into a whisper, "I'm saying I think I've…. I've found my place. I'm where I'm supposed to be right now and it's not fair for me to ask you to wait for me."
"Cath." In all the years she had known Steve McGarrett, she had never heard him plead her name like he was in such excruciating pain. "Don't do this."
"I love you, Steve. I think I always will." She thought back to her twenty-one year old self, back to the night on the Enterprise when he had sat beside her with a cup of coffee. In all her life, Catherine had never had someone look at her like she was as special as the way Steve had. And from that moment on, she had wanted to be special to him. To love was one thing. To be loved by Steve McGarrett was another phenomenon entirely. "I fell in love with you a long time ago. And since then you've always been a part of me." It was one of the dangers of love so young. Being half of a couple often came at the expense of being a whole person. "I think you'll always be a part of me. But for now, this is where I'm supposed to be."
"Catherine, please don't do this. Please." He begged.
Tears poured out of the corners of her eyes and disappeared into her hair as she laid on her back. Trembling, she said, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Steve. But I can't ask you to wait anymore."
"Come on, can't we at least talk abou-"
"I've got your six, Sailor." In more ways than he would ever know.
There was a beat of silence before Steve said, "I love you. Stay safe, okay?"
Her body shook as the line went dead. Catherine clutched the satellite phone to her chest and gritted her teeth to keep from bawling. Heat and chills simultaneously skittered across her skin. The walls in the already tiny room seemed to shrink with each breath. What had she just done?
A quiet knock startled her. Before she could answer, Jude stepped in and closed the door behind him. "You look like hell, Princess." The low rumble of his voice soothed her like the warm burn of bourbon.
She rubbed her red-rimmed eyes and sat up, trying her best to make herself presentable, "Your timing is impeccable." She replied with wry sarcasm.
"You ended things with him, didn't you?" Jude didn't waste any time getting to the point. That was one of the things Catherine liked about him. He didn't talk in fortune cookies or haikus. He just said what he meant and went along with his day. Catherine nodded weakly and stared down at the satellite phone in her hands. "Make sure you eat something. There's ghormeh sabzi in the kitchen if you feel up to it."
Catherine shook her head, "I, um. I really don't wanna socialize with the house."
Jude's easy laugh lifted her spirits just a bit. "B-Team just rolled out to head to Kandahar. It's just you, me, Decker, and Marshall. Coen won't be back until tomorrow." He tapped her knee, "C'mon, kid. Time to go make some friends."
"I thought you were my friend." She countered.
He flashed his Hollywood grin, "I'm your self-proclaimed new best friend. Time to go meet the rest of the gang."
Reluctantly, Catherine followed him through the safehouse. When the hallway opened into the living room, she spotted Caroline Marshall perched in a wingback chair. Her black leggings and gray sweatshirt made her far less severe than the pantsuit she wore for Catherine's first briefing. Her chocolate brown hair was spilling out of the bun she had tied on top of her head.
Across from her, Decker was stretched out on the most hideous plaid couch she had ever seen. The green ARMY shirt that was stretched across his chest accented his mocha skin. Where Jude was a hulking presence, Decker's lean form held an appropriate amount of sinuous muscle. The barely-there fuzz of buzz cut regrowth was a nod that he was a former military man. "Look who decided to come out of her hidey hole." Decker grinned as he sat up and extended his hand, "Decker. Nice to finally meet you."
Catherine cocked her head as she shook his hand, "Do you have a first name?"
"Just Decker."
Jude leaned down behind Catherine and in a too-loud whisper, said, "It's Lawrence. Lawrence Decker."
A throw pillow whizzed over Catherine's head and hit Jude square in the face. Caroline cracked a smile at the antics and chimed in, "If I was named Lawrence, I'd go by my last name too."
Catherine forced a small smile, "Nice to meet you, Decker." She glanced over her shoulder and motioned to the kitchen. "I'm just gonna grab something to eat." She rummaged through the cabinets until she found a bowl and fork. After spooning out a helping of gormeh sabzi, she went in search of cups.
"Cabinet over the sink." Caroline Marshall appeared beside her and reached over her head to pluck a glass out of the cabinet. Handing it to Catherine, she added on, "I'm glad to have another woman in the house." She nodded back to where Jude and Decker were in a heated conversation about whether or not the Packers had a shot at the Superbowl. "Those two…" She laughed. "How was your first assignment?"
"Successful." Catherine filled the glass and grabbed her bowl.
"I'll say. You did a damn good job. The suits at Langley were impressed. Jude's op run-down sang your praises."
The last thing Catherine wanted to be doing at that moment was talking with the Operations Command. All she wanted was to take her dinner back to her room and lock the door so she could cry until the sun came up. After that, she was looking forward to Coen's return and the small opportunity she might be afforded to punch him in the face again. "Thank you, ma'am."
Catherine turned to head back down the hallway when Jude caught her eye, "Where you going, Princess?"
"I- I, um…." Catherine stammered.
"C'mon. Sitting back in that closet they're calling a bedroom won't make you feel better. Decker was about to go on a run and Marshall usually hides in the briefing room while she talks to the cake eaters in D.C to catch 'em when the time difference is good."
Did Jude really just dismiss his superior and his buddy while they stood right there in the room? "It's fine, really. I'm just gonna go eat and then sleep it off."
Jude and Decker exchanged a look. Decker piped up, "She end things with her boy back home?"
Jude nodded, "Yep. 'Bout an hour ago."
Catherine had had it. "What is with you guys talking about people like they're not standing in the fucking room?!"
"You're in The Company now, which means you're now a part of this well-meaning group of weirdos." Caroline floated back into the room, "We're not all like Coen. These two can be a bit much, but they're fairly harmless. Well, unless you're the target of an assignment." She tapped her phone and checked the time, "Gotta go, boys. I gotta be on with the brass in five."
As Caroline jogged down the hall, Decker got up from the couch and stretched, "Gonna run. Catch you later. Good to see you, Catherine."
Catherine waved him off and stood awkwardly in front of Jude, "I'm going to bed."
"Catherine," He began, "Sulking and locking yourself away is not gonna make you feel better."
She clutched the bowl of food tighter, "I'm not having this conversation with you." Catherine turned and stormed down the hallway. She set her dinner on the nightstand and kicked the door shut right as his thick hand slid between the door and the frame. "Jude." She warned.
Jude walked in her room and sank down on the bed. "Catherine." He teased in a piercing falsetto.
Catherine frowned and petulantly crossed her arms, "Isn't there a rule or something about men and women not being in each other's rooms?"
He chuckled, "This is the CIA. Not the Navy. Besides, we just spent two months alone in the same living quarters. You really think Marshall is concerned about us hooking up?"
"Out, Beckett."
Jude sat up and rested his elbows on his knees, "Catherine, let me make something clear. I don't mix business and pleasure. I'm not trying to get in your pants. Ask anyone in the house and they'll tell you the same thing." When she didn't look convinced, he tried another angle, "The whole time we were in Qala-i-Mirza, did I ever make a pass at you?"
"No."
"Did I have plenty of opportunities to?"
"Yes."
He opened his palms, "See? Now, Decker? That's a different story." Jude chuckled, "He'll give you the appropriate month post-breakup grieving time and then put on the charm. And if he makes a move that you don't like, I'll put him on his ass, no questions asked."
Catherine shook her head, "Why are you in here Jude?" She didn't have the energy to keep arguing, and frankly, she wasn't completely opposed to his presence.
"Because you look like you need a very platonic shoulder to cry on. You've had a rough couple'a months and we're heading back in the field soon. Better get it out because the next op might not be as cushy as QIM."
Hesitantly, she sat down beside him and rested her head on his boulder of a bicep. "Delivering a baby was not what I would classify as 'cushy'."
He wrapped a burly arm around her shoulders and tucked her safely into his side. "See? You're making jokes already. You'll be back to your irreverent, kick-ass self in no time."
"Hey, Jude?" Catherine smiled at the Beatles reference.
"Hm?"
"Thanks."
"So." Mel began as she rolled her chair closer to her desk, "How have things been going?"
Steve scratched at the back of his neck. Catherine had been seeing Mel regularly to talk through her past, but this was the first time since Catherine had given him the journals that Mel had summoned him into her office for a chat. He shrugged, "Good, I guess? Catherine, she's, uh, she's been in pretty good spirits lately."
"And how have you been doing? I understand that you've been reading through her account of her time in the CIA?"
He nodded, "Yeah. It's… it's good, I guess." Steve scrubbed his palms over his face, "I feel like an asshole for a bunch of things I said to her when she first got recruited."
"Like what?"
"Saying that she was choosing to be away from me. Choosing something else. Throwing away what we had." He clasped his hands together and pressed them into his forehead. "I guess I never realized how hard it was for her. Having her life turned upside down like that without really having a say in anything." His head hung low as he admitted, "I remember the night she called and ended things… I, uh, I put my fist through a wall. Not my best moment."
Mel nodded and scribbled a few lines on her legal pad before tapping a steady rhythm on the desk with her pen. "What has she told you about Jude Beckett?"
Steve shook his head, "Not much. Just, uh, just what I've read so far." He sighed, "Sometimes she offers up more than what she wrote back then, sometimes she brushes off the questions I ask."
"Uh huh." Mel made a few more notes before dropping her pen back in the cup and sliding the legal pad into her drawer. "Like I said. I just wanted to check in. See how you were taking everything." She glanced up at the clock on the wall, "I've got another appointment, but my advice? Keep asking questions. Even if she's brushing them off, just keep asking them. When you do, you're showing her that you care."
He chuckled as he pushed out of the chair and stood up, "Next time you and Trish are over at the house I'm gonna tell her what a softie you are."
Mel's passive demeanor turned down into a scowl, "You will do no such thing, McGarrett. Can't have anyone thinking there's a heart in here."
Steve grinned as he walked out the door, "Big ol' softie!"
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Happy Monday! I hope you all have a GREAT week! Leave your thoughts and comments in the reviews!
A little housekeeping:
1. I have a super busy work week, so this is your heads-up that my usually daily uploads may be interrupted this week. HOPEFULLY, we'll be able to stay on track, but this is a warning, just in case!
2. We're 300,000 words in. (WHAT?! CRAZY!) Thanks for coming along for the ride!
3. Friendly welcome to my McDanno readers! There's room for all of us (to happily get along) in the fandom. I've really enjoyed chatting and getting to know you guys!
4. If you want to pregame the next chapter, watch 5x18!
Love you wonderful people!
XO,
-Mags-
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