Chapter 56:
A/N: So this was never the plan, but you were all asking for angst so that's the direction it's gone in. Soo blame yourselves hehe xx
Michelle
"Ok." I try to keep my voice steady, knowing how scared she was. "It's ok. It'll all be ok." I guide her out of the bathroom, my heart beating rapidly in my chest. There was a sick feeling in my stomach but I refuse to let my fear show. "Hey, Tim's downstairs. We'll go to the hospital. Yeah? Ok, it'll be alright."
"No... Michelle..." She shakes her head and I feel as if we are back at the bus stop again, all those years ago, forcing the memory out of my head. "This can't be happening."
"Come on." I reach for her hand, guiding her out of the flat after grabbing my bag. "Are you cramping?"
"Yeah... A little." She swallows as I press the button for the lift, brushing her hair out of her face.
"Ok, a little isn't worrying." I try to reassure, trying my best not to patronise her. "Tim?" I call once we reach the street. "Change of plan, can you take us to the hospital please?"
"Well I'm supposed to be-"
"Please, Tim." I open the door for Carla, helping her into the backseat and he just gives a nod, looking at her with concern. "Thank you." I smile appreciatively before climbing in next to her, turning my attention to Carla as he drives off. "It's going to be okay."
"I'm scared." She whispers and I just take a deep breath, cupping her cheek with my hand.
"How bad's the pain?" I ask softly, my eyes darting to her bump. "Out of ten?"
"Are you a doctor now?" She manages a small laugh and it relieves me slightly. "Not that bad... Three."
"Oh well three we can work with." I smile, trying my best to cheer her up. "You know bleeding happens loads in pregnancy. Don't presume the worst. We'll get there and you'll realise you were worrying over nothing."
"...Really?" She swallows, begging me for answers, tears nearly in her eyes. "...I can't lose them, not now. I can't. I can't, Michelle. I can't do it to you. Not again."
"Hey, hey, calm down. Please, calm down." I whisper, noticing how Tim was peering at us in the rear view mirror. "You won't. Ok? We won't."
I wanted to promise her. But that was something I could never do to Carla; break a promise. And I knew there was a chance I would have to if I said it now.
Michelle
"Imagine if I could make it through a year without being in the flamin' hospital?" Carla mutters, gazing around the ward as she nurses her polystyrene cup in her hands, sat up in the bed.
"Well, I think we both knew there was no chance of that this year." I smile, giving her hand a gentle squeeze which I hadn't let go of for about ten minutes. "Are you still cramping?"
"Not as much." The relief in her voice soothes me and I lean my head towards her bump in a bid to cheer her up.
"Hey, you two. You just sit tight in there." I speak to the twins, partially realising I was doing it to keep myself positive. "We know you're excited to meet us but you've got a while yet."
"How do you act so calm? This must be breaking you." Carla's words seep into my mind and I avoid her gaze as I pull back. "Sorry..."
"It's ok." I whisper, finally moving my eyes to hers and holding the gaze. "Only you can know... What you feel. What do you feel?"
"Michelle I thought I was losing them." Breath catches in her throat as tears fill her eyes. "...I might be."
"I don't think cramping would have subsided so quickly if you were." I answer honestly, manifesting a positive outcome. "And there wasn't too much blood."
"Where's the flamin' nurse?" She snaps her eyes away from mine, forcing back tears and slamming her cup down on the wooden side table. "Why's it taking so long?"
"That's a good sign-"
"Will you stop that?" She suddenly cuts me off, viciously. "Stop telling me what's going to happen, you have no idea. None." Her words are sharp and I just stare down at the floor, forcing myself not to cry. I really needed somebody to hug me, to pull me away from all the horrible memories that were circulating my mind. Up until now, nothing had been as triggering as this. I felt like I was back there, lying in the hospital bed, wishing and praying with everything I had that he would be safe. That we would just be given a smile 'take care' and head on home. Talking to him over and over all night when Steve went home to get some sleep, promising him the world, all the things we would do together. "Can I ask you a question?" She says, softer now and I just nod, noting her hesitancy and knowing what it would be regarding. "...When you lost Ruairi... Did you know? Before they told you?"
"...Yeah." I just swallow, refusing to look up at her, shifting my feet slightly. "Doesn't stop you denying it though. And praying for a miracle."
"Yeah... I knew last time." She just utters, wringing her hands in her lap.
"I know you did." I think back to when we were sat in the taxi, her shaking her head at me when I told her not to be scared. We had both known in that moment. "...But you don't know this time?"
"No." She just responds and I refrain from mentioning that again, it was a good sign. "...I need the toilet."
"Do you want me to-"
"No, Michelle. I can manage." She just snaps, wincing as she pulls herself from the bed. I knew the real reason she was going to the toilet. Carla hated waiting around, she wanted to see if the bleeding had stopped for herself. Once she is out of sight I decide to head out to the corridor, aiming to clear my head, leaning back against the wall and taking a deep breath. A cry sounds from down the corridor, a baby screaming, a healthy baby. My head spins, closing my eyes as I try to shut out the cries. This couldn't happen again. It couldn't.
"Michelle?" My eyes snap open at the sound of Ali's voice, pacing over to me with concern in his eyes. "What are you doing here?"
"Carla's... Uh..." I begin before my voice cracks, tears springing to my eyes. "She's uh... She's been bleeding and cramping..." Is all I can manage, my throat aching sharply as tears roll down my cheeks. "And I'm trying to stay positive and strong for her, but everything's just coming back to me."
"Ok, ok." He murmurs reassuringly, pulling me into a hug as I cry into his shoulder. "I've got you."
"I can't go through this again." I mumble into the cotton of his shirt, grateful for the embrace I had needed so badly. "They said they're taking her for a scan. But they've checked her over and taken some samples, said they'd be back with results half an hour ago."
"Well give them chance, they just want to make sure they're giving you the correct info." Ali rubs a hand up and down my back, pulling away to study my face. "Good job I bumped into you, isn't it?"
"Yeah I... I needed that." I force a smile which he returns. "I best get back to Carla."
"Yeah." He nods, giving my hand a gentle squeeze and pulling me back briefly. "Michelle? Whatever happens, we're all here for you. Good luck."
"Thanks." I just whisper, waving him off and heading back into the ward.
Carla
"I'm sorry for snapping at you, I'm just scared." I feel relief seep into me when Michelle returns to my bedside. She had been crying, it was plain to see. "I wish I didn't do that... Lash out at you."
"You hardly lashed out." She offers me a warm smile, sitting down in the seat next to me. "...Are you still bleeding?"
"Yeah, a little." I swallow, my stomach churning with anxiety. Nothing was easing my thoughts.
"Carla Connor?" A nurse approaches us and my ears prick up, sitting up straight as if I was in school. "You had a transplant last year?"
"...I'm aware." I just respond, wanting to know what this was leading to.
"...Was this a planned pregnancy?" She asks and I shift my gaze to Michelle in confusion.
"...Well, it would be difficult for it not to be." I narrow my eyes and she looks confused for a moment, prompting me to realise she had made the usual assumption. "This is my wife."
"Oh." She just puts, bluntly, gazing down at her file. "So it was a planned pregnancy?"
"...Wow, they don't send you to do seven years of medical school for nothing, do they?" I jibe cockily and Michelle gives me a soft elbow in the ribs. "Yes, we started trying to conceive through IVF last year."
"Were you informed by the clinic of the risks that can come with pregnancy following a transplant?" She continues and I force myself not to snap back. "Only, it's standard procedure to wait a year before trying to conceive after a kidney operation."
"Yes they told us that." I respond sharply. "But I'm not getting any younger, I didn't want to waste time. Much as you're doing with me. Look, can you just tell me, what? This is to do with my kidney then?"
"What medication are you on?"
"Immunosuppressants."
"Specifically?"
"Azathioprine." I recite. "They changed my medication when I started IVF... They said that was the safest immunosuppressant for me to be on while pregnant."
"From the tests we've run it seems you have a UTI. The bleeding could also be a side effect from the azathioprine." She explains, although it goes straight over my head. All I cared about was that the babies were alright. "You must be experiencing exhaustion... You're technically still in your year of recovery and the added stress of the pregnancy will add to that. We're going to take you for a scan now, check what's going on in regards to the cramping."
"...Is she even qualified?" I screw my nose up as she leaves, glancing across at Michelle's worried expression, which she tries to relieve as soon as my attention is on her. "Seems like she was asking me more questions than I was asking her."
"...How are you feeling?" She just asks, her tone shaking slightly and I reach for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"Sick." I respond honestly, thinking over her words. "She said I've got a UTI... I've had no symptoms. They warned me about that when I had my failure, in case I got a kidney infection."
"Maybe we've just caught it early." She tries to remain positive and I sigh, praying she was right.
Michelle
It feels like an eternity as we wait for the midwife to find her positioning. I can see Carla biting so hard on her lip, refusing to blink as she stares at the ceiling. It was silent. Why was it silent?
"...What's going on?" I ask, my voice cracking. There is no response. It's just silence. For what feels like forever.
And then, I hear it.
"Oh my god." Carla whimpers, throwing her hand over her mouth, sobbing suddenly as the sound of their heartbeats fills the room. My head falls into my hands, exhaling sharply and trying to stop my legs from shaking. "Are they ok? Is everything ok?"
"Everything seems alright." The midwife informs us and I take a few deep breaths before reaching for Carla's spare hand. "The babies seem to me unaffected by the UTI. The cramping is most likely a form of braxton hicks; a mild discomfort-"
"Mild discomfort?" Carla retaliates, trying to conceal her anger. "I thought I was miscarrying."
"But you're not." I reassure her, brushing her hair back. "Everything's okay. Alright? Just as I said."
"...Is this going to keep happening?" Carla turns her head to the midwife, panic-stricken. "Because I've had a miscarriage before, I can't keep feeling sick with fear every time I go to the toilet. I can't."
"We'll prescribe you with a dosage of antibiotics for the infection, so it should clear up within a few days." The midwife explains, and I turn my attention to the screen. They had grown so much since the last scan, it never failed to amaze me. "...Are you interested in knowing the sex? While we're here?"
"...You know that?" Carla's eyes widen, shaken by the turn of events. "Now? Isn't it too early?"
"I think I have a pretty good idea." The midwife smiles and Carla shifts her gaze to me, taking a sharp breath in as I flash her a reassuring smile.
"Do you want to know?" Carla asks, softly now, reassurance restored. "We can keep it a surprise?"
"It's up to you." I give her hand another squeeze and she hesitates, nodding slowly. "Yeah?"
"...Yeah." Carla turns back to her. "We'd like to know."
"Ok..." The midwife pauses, examining the screen and my breath catches in my throat. "It would appear that you're having two girls."
My heart skips a beat. My eyes fill with tears. Carla lets out a soft giggle at the admission. "Oh..." Is all I can say, tears rolling down my cheeks as Carla turns her head back to me.
"Are you happy?" Carla laughs, trying to stop her own tears from falling. "You wanted a girl?"
"I'm so..." I tilt my forehead against hers. "I can't believe it... This is perfect."
"...Mini versions of us." Carla whispers as I graze a thumb across her cheekbone, smiling with happiness. "Except they're going to be so loved. So loved."
Carla
"I've spoken to Kate, they've arrived in Dubai." Michelle informs me as she arrives back with two coffees, handing one to me. I screw my nose up with jealousy, what I would give to be lounging in the sun right now. Not only had I ruined it for myself, I had ruined it for Michelle and all. "I told them what's been going on, they send their love. Oh, I spoke to the doctor as well, they want to keep you in overnight, just to monitor you."
"Ugh, really?" I whine, my heart sinking at the thought. "Michelle, I can't feed myself and two babies on this rank hospital food."
"Well they're only taking precautions because of your kidney." She glances up at the drip that lead to where a cannula was secured in my hand. "I don't really want to leave you either."
"You should go home, get some rest." I sigh, picking at the fold in my paper cup. "At least one of us will."
"...I don't want something to happen to you in the night." She confesses and I draw my eyes to hers, studying how worried she looked. She had told me that when she was admitted to hospital before prematurely giving birth, she had been told she was better before she was worse. I knew until I was given the all clear, this wouldn't stop weighing on her mind. "I don't want to miss anything."
"We're ok." I offer her a reassuring smile, hoping that the confidence in my tone would convince not only her, but myself also. She stares disinterestedly into her coffee, her mind working away. I was surprised today hadn't triggered an anxiety attack for her. In fact, I didn't particularly want to leave her either, in case something happened to her while I was in here. "Talk to me." I whisper, brushing a piece of hair across her face and she looks up at me, innocently. "You don't have to be strong. Tell me how you're feeling."
"...It hasn't left my head all day. I think if I verbalise it, it'll make it worse." She confesses and I just nod slowly, shifting to the side of my bed.
"Then lie with me." I beg her and she hesitates, drawing the curtains around my bed and abandoning her coffee cup on the side before moving in to wrap her arms around me. "I'm scared that because I want this so badly now, it's going to be taken away from me. Because that's what usually happens. As soon as I start loving someone, they're gone."
"I'm not gone." She points out, cuddling me close from behind, tracing her finger tips over the thin material of the hospital gown that covered my bump. "I've never been gone, and you've known me all your life."
"Yeah well you're stubborn." I just murmur, watching how her fingers dance around, sighing contently at the soothing comfort of her embrace. "...I was reading this pregnancy forum the other day. Me, reading a pregnancy forum." A scoff emits my lips. "And one woman was saying how much she has enjoyed all of her pregnancies. It was her fourth child, all healthy, all safe. She actually used the word enjoyed... And I was envious because pregnancy is the complete opposite for me. I feel like I'm sitting on a time bomb, waiting for something to go wrong. Everyday that passes I think 'ok, I'm a little closer'. I just feel like I'm holding onto a skyscraper by my fingertips, Chelle. I just feel nervous all the time because I'm waiting for something to go wrong. And time goes on, and on, and every week when that cartoon baby changes form on your pregnancy app, it's like running a mile in a race. I breathe a sigh of relief that I made it through another week. One step closer. But then I just think 'will I make it through another'? And then this morning... I thought this is it. The inevitable. How could I ever think I'd be capable of carrying a child? Two children? And it's being taken away from me all over again."
"Except they haven't." She whispers in my ear, her words tickling my skin. "They're still here. I'm still here, you're still here."
"But for how long?" I dare to ask and she falls silent. I felt evil. I felt selfish for voicing my thoughts to her when she had dealt with so much. When her mind was working overtime at triggering memories. Every cry on this ward was a reminder of one that she never heard. "I'm sorry... I shouldn't be..."
"No, we're supposed to talk about these things." She soothes, moving a hand to my scalp and massaging her fingers through my hair. My eyes flutter closed momentarily, as if guided away from the trauma I was facing for a brief second. "You're doing better than me." She hesitates. "...Two girls. Remember the two girls on our scruffy estate? Nothing going for them, no plans for the future, no motivation to drive them forward. They could've given up and they didn't. We made it, didn't we? They will too."
"...I had this name idea for a while." I dare to admit. "Since I found out I was pregnant. In case one of them was a girl." I take the silence as my cue to continue. "Aida. It symbolises happiness. And it's used in Arabic to continue a sentence... And I just thought... That's beautiful. Because Aidan's life is continuing through these two. I just don't ever want him to be forgotten. I want to celebrate the happiness in his life. And I want these two to understand what a loving uncle he would have been."
"It's beautiful." She murmurs, and the dampening of my hair indicates that I have brought her to tears. "I love it."
"Really?" I turn over, so that my forehead was tilted against hers, grazing the tears from her cheeks. "You don't have to say that just because I-"
"I'm not." She raises a finger to my lips. "It's perfect."
"Yeah?" I smile softly, wrapped up in the conversation we were settled in. "Well then you can choose the other name."
"Oh is that how this works?" She giggles softly and it makes me smile more, lacing our fingers together. "Carla? We're going to pull through this. All four of us."
"I couldn't bear it Chelle... Not now... I don't think I'd cope." Tears spring to my eyes and she shakes her head, trying to fight back her own. "I need them and I need you. I love you all."
"It's ok." She whispers, pulling me close as I cry into her chest, rubbing her hand in circles on my back. "It's ok. We've got us. Ok? Whatever happens we'll always have us."
Michelle
"Michelle? Michelle Connor?" A voice grabs my attention as I cross the road to Streetcars, glancing up at where a tall, well-dressed man with greying hair was stood a few metres from me. I glance around. I'd never seen him in my life. How did he know my name?
"Yeah?" I respond shortly, hesitating in my position and he takes a few strides towards me. This already made me feel uncomfortable. He gave a slight lick of his lips as his eyes briefly travelled down my legs. I needed to get to the hospital, I didn't have time for this. "I'm sorry, and you are?"
"Ray. Ray Crosby." He holds his hand out, grinning to show me a shimmering stack of white teeth. I refrain from taking his hand, keeping my own firmly lodged in my pockets, and eventually he takes the hint, his arm dropping back down to his side. "Sorry a mate showed me your photograph, told me your name."
"...I'm sorry is this going to take long?" I ask rudely. "Because I'm sort of on my way to the hospital."
"Oh dear, not feeling well?" He tilts his head to the side, a lack of sympathy in his tone.
"I'm fine." I respond shortly. "I'm going to visit my wife."
"...Oh." His face flickers in surprise, something I was annoyingly used to. "Wow, didn't have you down as the type."
"Excuse me?"
"My mate tells me you're the current owner of the Bistro." He glazes over my annoyance, pointing down the street to where it was closed up. "Only it doesn't look very lively at the moment."
"Well the previous owner recently passed away." I say sharply and he nods knowingly. "He was my ex-boyfriend, that's how I inherited it."
"...Ah, so you don't just go for the women then?" His eyes twinkle excitedly and it's enough to make me want to gag.
"No. I just go for my wife." I put it plainly and he arches a brow, folding his arms, deep in thought. "What do you want?"
"I want to buy your Bistro." He smirks and I just take a second to soak up his audacity before warranting a simple 'it's not for sale'. I presume it is the answer he had been expecting, because he doesn't look surprised. "I'll give you two hundred and fifty grand. Cash."
I try not to let my jaw drop at his offer, regaining my cool as I also fold my arms defensively. "Like I said. It's not for sale. And I don't need the money, thanks. Me and my wife actually own the factory at the end of the street and all."
"Here, take this." He hands me a business card and reluctantly, I take it. "If you change your mind, call me." He gives me a cocky smirk before heading to walk off. "I'm sure I'll see you around. Michelle Connor."
I shiver in his absence, feet glued to the pavement as I watch him disappear around the corner. I didn't trust many men nowadays. And Ray Crosby certainly wasn't giving me any desire to trust him.
Carla
It had been a night of beeping, fussing and answering Michelle's texts every hour on the hour. The chance of sleep would be a fine thing. Not only did I find it impossible to sleep in hospitals, but every cramp made me feel sick with worry. I kept running over the reassurance the midwife had given me yesterday. Everything seems alright.
Seems.
The lack of promise in that word did not sit right with me. I'd held off from going to the toilet all night, too scared to discover I was still bleeding while I didn't have Michelle to source comfort from. My head felt like it was about to split in two. I felt sick, I felt dizzy. Surely I was due my next dosage of painkillers around now.
"Morning." Michelle's voice pulls me from my thoughts. I could tell just by looking at her that she hadn't slept. Her natural, make-up-less face. The unbrushed hair that she still had the ability to make look presentable as it sat upon her shoulders. "How are you feeling?"
"Ok." I lie, but just producing the word made me feel exhausted. She drops a paper bag down on the table in front of me and the smell makes me gag.
"Woah, ok." She retracts it, watching worriedly as I sit with my hand over my mouth, forcing myself not to throw up. "Sorry... It's just a bacon butty from Roy's. You said in your text you hadn't eaten much here."
"I'm not hungry." I murmur, closing my eyes to stop the bright light from triggering my dizziness. They only open again when I feel her hand against my forehead, soft, gentle.
"Sweetheart, you're burning up." I can hear the slight wobble in her voice, pulling back to gaze at me with concern. "Tell me the truth. How are you feeling?"
"Once they give me my next painkillers I'll be fine-"
"Are you still cramping?" She asks abruptly and I just give a small nod, refusing to meet her gaze. "And do they know this? Why've they just left you here?"
"I did try speaking to a nurse a few hours ago, she said she would bring me some more painkillers." I just say quietly, too exhausted to rise to her concern. "But I haven't seen her since."
"Oh I'm not having this." She stands in anger, storming out of the ward and I just let her go, dropping my head to my shoulder, trying to calm my nausea. I glance down to where my hands are slightly swollen, feeling a sharp discomfort where my wedding and engagement rings are lodged into my finger. I try to pull them off, they don't budge. Tugging at them harder I let out a whimper of pain as shooting pains cascade down my finger. "Hey, what are you doing?" Michelle suddenly thunders back into the room, looking as if she has just let rip at a nurse outside.
"My hands are all swollen." I suddenly burst into tears, breath hitching in my throat as I try to work through my panic. "I can't get them off."
"Ok, baby listen, a nurse is on their way." She tries to calm me, rubbing a hand against my arm.
"Yeah we'll see." I just muffle, dragging the tears from my cheeks. I felt like a stupid child. I felt so weak and vulnerable. Every part of me ached with exhaustion.
"No seriously. I've handled it." She assures me as a nurse promptly approaches my bedside. "She needs a doctor. Something isn't right."
"We are conducting the results of the tests we took during the night Mrs Connor. We'll know more shortly." She tries to calm my wife, glancing across to where I am still crying in fear and pain. "How bad is your discomfort, Carla?"
"It's not so much discomfort. I'm just dizzy and sick. My vision keeps blurring. I'm too hot. And I'd say the cramping is getting worse... But it's more below my ribs." I just list everything off, raising my hand limply. "And my hands are swelling up." I notice the nurse drop her gaze to my hand, confusion and surprise flickering which gives me no comfort. "What?"
"I'm just going to fetch a midwife." She smiles professionally, before hurrying off and I stare across at Michelle in panic. She looked as if she was about to faint. This wasn't good. I knew she had heard it all before. And it hadn't been a happy ending.
"They told me everything was okay yesterday." I sob pathetically, feeling Michelle's hand find mine.
"Hey, it's ok." She reassures, even though she sounded less certain than ever. "When did all this start? Hey? When did you start feeling unwell?"
"A couple of hours, I don't know." I take a deep breath to settle myself. "I just want some painkillers, my head hurts Chelle."
"Mrs Connor?" A male doctor approaches us, clipboard in hand and I just nod hesitantly. "We've had the results from your latest blood and urine samples. The UTI doesn't seem to be too severe."
"Then why is she in this state?" Michelle asks pointedly. "Ey? This isn't normal!"
"From the tests we've carried out, it appears Carla is suffering from early stages of pre-eclampsia." He informs us and I just blink, the word swimming around my head. "Do you mind if I carry out a blood pressure check on you, Carla?"
"Woah, hold on. What is this... Thing?" Michelle stops him and his eyes flicker to her. It wasn't good. I could tell.
"...Pre-eclampsia is a condition that can be present in women in the second half of pregnancy. As you're only eighteen weeks, it seems to be early-onset." He recites. "It's caused by high blood pressure in pregnancy, and it's a risk factor in women who have suffered chronic kidney disease. It's also more common in women carrying multiple children, so there are quite a few things that could have contributed to it."
"...Right but they told us everything was ok yesterday." Michelle responds, as I stay quiet. "So is that still the case?"
"...The only way pre-eclampsia can be cured is to deliver the babies." He admits and my eyes flutter closed, feeling my heart slowly sinking in my chest. Why? Why? Why? I feel Michelle shift next to me. "However, it's mild at the moment. Usually, if the condition occurs earlier than thirty seven weeks, we'll keep you monitored and put you on a course of antibiotics to keep you stabilised."
"So... What are you saying here?" Michelle sounds impatient. "That you're going to have to keep her in hospital for the rest of the pregnancy?"
"Not necessarily. If we can stabilise the condition you'll be able to go home, just coming back for regular check-ups... But there's a chance the condition can worsen, become more severe, developing into a more serious condition known as eclampsia."
"And what does that mean?"
"...Eclampsia can cause fits or convulsions." He admits slowly and I try to steady my rapid breathing. "...It can sometimes cause death of the mother or the baby-"
"No, no." I whisper quietly, burying my head in my hands, feeling Michelle rubbing my back supportively.
"At the moment, like I said, it's mild. We don't think it's too much cause for concern but we will need to keep you in for a few more days to monitor the condition. And you will be on a much stricter appointment schedule until the birth." He explains, pausing as he takes in the scene in front of him. "I'm going to get somebody to change your drip, start you on the necessary antibiotics right away."
He takes his cue to leave and I just stare into my lap blankly. Johnny had been right. Maybe for the first time ever but he had been right. It was too soon. I shouldn't have decided I was strong enough to rush things. My body was exhausted. I hadn't even given it time to recover. "Why did I ever think I could do this?" I just ask quietly, daring to look at Michelle who is biting her lip in shock. "This time last year I was dying. Why did you let me do this?" I ask bitterly and her gaze shifts to mine. I didn't mean it. I knew I didn't mean it.
"Carla, I wanted to carry-"
"Yeah I know what you wanted. But you couldn't." I just snap back at her suddenly and she retracts, falling against the back of her seat. "So I had to. What a stupid idea. Now my life is on the line again. And their life is on the line. They might die and it's all because we wanted more than we had. You going on and on about how you wanted another baby. It was never on my agenda, Michelle! I was never supposed to be a mum! You not being able to carry it this time should have been a sign that we weren't cut out for this. But no, you let me, didn't you? Knowing full well the toll it would have on me. The stretch marks, the exhaustion, the pain-"
"That's not fair-"
"No, what's not fair is that you're sat there, absolutely fine!" I shout suddenly and I notice her shudder. "You're not pregnant. You're not ill. You're not miscarrying. These aren't even your babies!"
The words echo sharply and it falls silent, just the beep of machines to invade the awkward silence.
I'd really said it.
I replay the words over in my mind.
"...Michelle I didn't..." I whisper quietly, throwing a hand to my mouth. "I didn't mean that-"
"I need a walk." Is all she says before getting up, the patter of her footsteps drifting off as she leaves. I fall back against the bed, erupting into a pit of tears. It was all for nothing. Just as I had expected.
A/N: Let me know what you think :/ I did not start this chapter with the anticipation of how it ended haha x
