Joffrey sat on his throne. A man stood before him, holding a sack. "Your grace, I bring you the head of your traitorous uncle Tyrion!"
"Let's see it," said Joffrey. Even though he knew now that Tyrion had not killed Cersei, he hadn't called off the hit on Tyrion because he didn't want the Tyrells to suspect he knew the truth.
The man pulled the head out of the sack, but it was the wrong head. It was the head of one of the dwarfs who had performed at Joffrey's wedding.
"You fool!" said Joffrey. "That's not Tyrion! That's a different dwarf with a hideous facial scar. Ser Ilyn, this man has wasted my time. Cut off his own head!"
When the deed was done, Qyburn said, "May I have the heads for use in my experiments?"
Joffrey waved a hand. "Sure, whatever. I don't care."
"I wish I'd been alive during the reign of King Aegon IV," said Qyburn. "He cut off heads all the time. And other parts. I remember reading how when one of his Kingsguard bedded his mistress, he had him dismembered piece by piece. If I'd been around back then, I would have tried to put the parts back together and make a new person. Maybe mix some animal parts in there. Ah, science!"
Most of this just went in one ear and out the other, but one sentence stuck in Joffrey's head. "When one of his Kingsguard bedded his mistress, he had him dismembered piece by piece."
Suddenly, INSPIRATION!
He knew how he was going to get rid of the Tyrells!
That night, after his work was finished, he went to see Osney Kettleblack. "Do you think my little queen is pretty?" he asked.
Osney shrugged. "I suppose. For a girl. I'd sooner have a woman."
"Listen, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret," Joffrey said, leaning in and lowering his voice. "I need a son who will take up the throne after I'm dead, but I'm having trouble getting Margaery pregnant."
"Are you askin' me to shag your wife for you?" Osney asked.
"We could use a little outside help," Joffrey agreed. "Unless you think Margaery would prove unresponsive to your charms?"
"She likes me well enough. Them cousins of hers are always teasin' me about my nose. How big it is, and all. The last time they did that, Margaery told them to stop and said I had a lovely face."
"There you are, then. And once you make her pregnant, I'll make you a lord!"
"Lord Kettleblack. I like the sound o' that."
The trap was set. Now Joffrey just had to make sure somebody walked in on them and caught them in the act. Then he could have Margaery and Osney executed for adultery, and he'd have the perfect excuse to exile the rest of the queen's family! Even if Osney tried to tell the truth, no one would believe him. He didn't see how this could go wrong at all…
He decided to celebrate his impending victory with a big glass of wine. He had taken to drinking a lot of wine lately, just like Robert, the man he believed to be his father.
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"I'll be leaving tomorrow," Stannis said to Brian.
"Leaving? Where are you going?" Brian cried.
"I'm starting my campaign to take the north from the Boltons."
"But you can't leave!" Brian protested. "We need your men here at the Wall! What if the White Walkers come?"
"I'm not sure those White Walkers are real," Stannis said.
"They're as real as you and me! Ask Snot and Toshi, they've seen 'em! Ask Mance Radar. The White Walkers are the reason he was trying to break through the Wall!"
"Enough." Stannis held up a hand. "Do not presume to command me. I am a king. I will set off with my troops on the morrow and try to rally as many Northmen to my cause as I can. The boy Gendry I will leave with you. I don't want him in harm's way. After I have defeated the Boltons, I will come back for him."
Reluctantly Brian went to find Gendry and told him of Stannis's plans.
"So, I ended up at the Wall after all," Gendry said.
"What do you mean?" Brian asked.
"I used to be an apprentice smith in King's Landin'. Until one day my master Tobho Mott said I had to leave the city and go take the black. King Joffrey wanted me dead. I didn't know why then, but I know now. It was because I was Robert's bastard. I guess Joffrey was jealous of me or somethin'. Mott sent me off with a recruiter named Yoren, but we never got to the Wall, because we were attacked by Lannister soldiers. Yoren was killed, and my friend Meg and I were taken to Harrenhal."
"Did you say Meg?" Brian interrupted. "Meg Griffin?"
"You know her?"
Brian was excited. "I used to live with her! I had no idea what had happened to her until now!"
"Well, after her dad got killed, she disguised herself as a boy and pretended she was goin' to join the Night's Watch. The two of us became friends, and we escaped from Harrenhal together and joined up with an outlaw band called the Brotherhood Without Banners. We were plannin' to bring Meg back to her family, but one mornin' we woke up and found her gone."
"But she might still be alive!" said Brian. "This is great news!"
"Yeah, her mother is still lookin' for her."
"Lois? I thought she was dead. Didn't she get murdered at the Red Wedding?"
"She did," said Gendry. "But we have a red priest in our band who brought her back to life. Now she's the leader of the Brotherhood, and she's searchin' the Riverlands for her daughter."
Brian beamed from ear to ear. "Wow! Lois is alive too? This is fantastic!"
But a few minutes later the smile had vanished from his face. His next task would be difficult. With Stannis and his men leaving, the Watch would be shorthanded. Brian needed allies, and there was only one place to get them.
He went to the ice cell where Tormund Giantsbane and Mance Radar were being kept. Stannis had wanted to execute them, but Brian had convinced them not to.
"What do you want, crow?" Tormund asked suspiciously.
"I want to make peace," said Brian.
Mance was incredulous. "You want to make peace, after you betrayed us? It's because of you that we're in here!"
"It's because of me that you're still alive," Brian said bluntly. "Stannis wanted to kill you guys. I wouldn't let him. Now he's leaving the Wall and taking his soldiers with him. I need your help. I will open the gates for the free folk and give them land south of the Wall. They can settle in the Gift. All I ask in return is that you fight alongside us when the White Walkers arrive."
"Why should we trust you?" Mance demanded.
"You have no other choice," said Brian. "We burned the Horn of Joramun. You can't use it now."
To his astonishment, both men started laughing. "What's so funny?" Brian wanted to know.
Mance wiped tears from his eyes. "That wasn't the real Horn of Joramun! It was just a fake!"
"Aye," said Tormund. "We never found the true horn, not for all our diggin'. If we had, every kneeler in your seven kingdoms would have chunks o' ice to cool his wine all summer."
"All right, Brian, we'll take you up on your offer," said Mance. "Most of the free folk are probably up at Hardhome now. If we go there together, I can convince them."
"Hardhome?" said Brian. "What's that, a town?"
Mance smiled. "You could call it that."
